Ick..

I feel so sick to my stomach right now. They just pulled another full freakin' liter off my left (my other one) lung. It hurts. Defintely a different feeling this time. We got it all out, well..they leave a little so there isn't friction and tears. But my poor little lung. I can feel how squished its been. Now its trying to open back up and it hurts really bad. It makes me sick to my stomach. I don't like feeling my guts.

The clown do

Since I've been home from the hospital I haven't had internet access. We still haven't had those guys come by and hook it up for us. Life with one channel, is such a bore!! For a short re-cap of the past few days. Monday was hellashish. I had a really really bad reaction to the Indocin, the heart anti-inflammatory. I woke up with a really upset stomach, a headache that almost popped my head off, and I almost threw up all day. In the afternoon I called my Onc, and he switched me to Cylebrax(sp). I took that Monday night, and then all night long, an even worse headache that woke me up several times. To the point that I started to panic I was going to have a stroke like my mom did.
I got a call from my cardiologist, Dr. Lewis at 8 am! Can I tell you these specialized doctors are so passionate about what they do! Anyways, he took me off of that and just put me on Advil. With the directions to take advil for a day, and then try the cylebrax again. But I haven't done that. Tuesday was my birthday, and I didn't want to get sick. And today, I have a broker's open for my condo listing and a bunch of other realty stuff, so I'll take it tonight. I mean, think about it. Would you want to "try" one more time a pill that made you really sick. NO! Its a no-brainer. In fact, I am not going to. I have an appointment with my cardiologist tomorrow afternoon, and I'll tell him, but I don't think he's going to slap me on the wrist.
The reason being, is that I think this whole liquid around my heart is a waiting game. They are still trying to see if I am getting worse or better. TOmorrow they'll give me another eccho and hopefully they'll be able to see if I have more water or not.
Honestly, its very hard to tell. I feel good, thanks to just being on Advil. But to walk any short distance is hard. Impossible to walk, even with a garbage bag outside to drop in the garbage can. Carrying anything, and walking makes me pant and my heart leap out of my chest. My legs are still very swollen. So, I don't feel like I am getting any better.
Yesterday, I had a great day. I went out to Vashon, had lunch, and visited with my friend Peggy. She is 6 months pregnant, has the same b-day as me, and we've known each other since I was 17. Its amazing to know someone that long. Then I went and got a massage from my ex- boyfriend of 6 yrs mom, Lyn. It was so nice to have someone touch me. Softly. It was wonderful. Then I went home. Starting feeling sick, took an anti-nausea med and waited a bit to feel good. Then D and I went to have sushi. My Onc. said no sushi for me. So I stuck to cooked classics of Soft Shell crab and a veggie roll. My stomach couldn't handle the deep fried crab or the wasabi, so dinner wasn't that great. I feel like a drug addict chasing my last "good" high with my food the past few months. Not being able to taste, and the texture being all messed up because of my mouth being numb and full of cotton sucks. I think of food I want, I try it and it tastes nothing like what it should. I am always askind D, how does that taste?
Well, now I am 34. Its 2009. And I can't wait to be done with all this crap. I can't wait to have a week when I feel so good, that I can run a zillion miles a minute and think clearly and feel good. No lingering sickness in my stomach!
My nails are all gross and I have them bandaged up because they look so gross. They are cut way back because they're dead.
Oh, the title of this post. Here's a funny. You know how clowns hair is. Thick all the way around the sides and the back? Well, that is how my hair is. My head looks like I have some serious widows peaks going on!! I have clowns head!! I hope my hair grows back and I don't have bald spots for the rest of my life!!

Almost done

My body is really starting to feel like it was before the last break. The toxins, I think are the cause. Who knows. I woke up not feeling well and was sick to my stomach all day. I had my handy Zofran medicine that kind of made me feel better. I layed in bed till noon and painted my fingernails a dark red. It took two coats to cover up the black and blue, but they look really pretty. Its so weird to have pretty nails right now. I am so far from feeling pretty, or wanting to feel pretty.
D's birthday is today. I made an incredible meal. A pork tenderloin: http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/the-next-food-network-star/pork-tenderloin-with-prosciutto-sage-and-asiago-cheese-recipe/index.html, and brussel sprouts with prosciutto , mashed potatoes, and then a carrot cake. It was a lot of fun. He is laying next to me moaning, as he ate way too much.
I didn't really eat that much today, my stomach is too messed up right now.
The other very exciting thing is that my sister Wendy found out that she is pregnant today. I am so excited for her and for me! I get to be an Auntie!! Its a little painful as we had always hoped to be pregnant together, and maybe on her next pregnancy we can get to have that experience together.

The Looks

Yesterday, as I was checking out of the health food store, and pushed my cart to go outside I got overwhelmed with tears. How is it that I "got" cancer. I ate everything right, I had the right mind frame, I exercised, I just don't get it. I let it wash over me, as well as the looks I get from people. But yesterday, the looks got to me and the fact that I caught my breast cancer early at the little old age of 33 just freaked me out. I got really sad. I got a few tears in my eyes and I got to my car and then I let it go. Life. My life. Life. How? Why? How is it possible? Why me? How come? How? How? How is it possible? What could I have done differently? What can I do differently? My future? Its scary. I wish I could know what my cancer feeds on, and what happened to make it start growing in the first place.

Today I am almost back to normal. I went to the office as I am in the middle of a few deals right now. I got wiped out pretty fast and am now back on the coach trying to relax and not feel sick to my stomach.

Just Starved

Today has been almost a "normal" day. Besides the insane, " must eat right now " times, and the nice plumpish reddish skin colour I am doing good. I slept the night through without any sleep aids last night. I really wanted to do that because I am afraid of those aids. Afraid that I will get addicted to them. So, last night when anxiety would creep uo and wake my heart up, I would just calm myself down. Its funny, but I am one of those people that actually since I was a kid count sheep. The whole white picket fence, green lushy grass, and the white sheep. Just jumping slowly one after the other over the fence. It always does it for me, putting me fast to sleep.
I just woke up from a nap and life is good. I am again, looking forward to a better day tomorrow and can't wait for it. This is what gets me through this. The hope that tomorrow is a better day. I am almost over the AC, and maybe tomorrow I can say. I finished it completly. A strange thing has begun to happen. Anything disgusting, anything at all, is too much right now. I have to only think of nice things, as anything that is gross makes me sick to my stomach. I can't think of getting the chemo, and even just writing about it right now makes me sick to my stomach. Enough of it. I just can't wait for three months from now. I will be all done with chemo. I'll get to take three weeks off and then start radiation. Happy trails...