Size 11 or 8?

Today I woke up feeling good. Thank God! I was really sick all day and into the night last night. Poor D made me a lunch yesterday that made me sick, and I couldn't even go into the kitchen until it was totally discarded and the kitchen was clean. It made me shake to smell it! I called my shopping spree friend Tamara and she was available on the fly, so she came and picked me up. We headed downtown. I have gotten over the whole thing of not wanting to buy "fat" clothes for myself. For one, the pants that I have been wearing, are all tight even though they are sweat pants. And D kept making suggestions that I go shopping, "You look like your always wearing your pajamas." Which I have been, with the exception of the pants Tamara bought me months ago. Months ago when I thought the weight was just going to be around for a few days until my body was able to get rid of all the extra water weight the steroids were causing me to carry.
But..that was a long time ago. The weather has gotten colder, and in deed I am huge now. So I went shopping and had a great time. When I'd get too sick/tired, I'd sit down and Tamara would bring me stuff. I found a great pair of pants that are quite slimming and a few shirts and sweaters.
Now that I am home, I am feeling good again. I can last just a few hours and then I get pretty miserable. I am really excited that today is Saturday and that my next to last chemo is on Wednesday. After Wednesday, I will only have one left!! A weird thing happened, is that one nail that is falling off got a friend yesterday. But the weird thing is that its the same finger just on the other hand. They still don't hurt, but are full of pus. Pretty sick looking.

Just Starved

Today has been almost a "normal" day. Besides the insane, " must eat right now " times, and the nice plumpish reddish skin colour I am doing good. I slept the night through without any sleep aids last night. I really wanted to do that because I am afraid of those aids. Afraid that I will get addicted to them. So, last night when anxiety would creep uo and wake my heart up, I would just calm myself down. Its funny, but I am one of those people that actually since I was a kid count sheep. The whole white picket fence, green lushy grass, and the white sheep. Just jumping slowly one after the other over the fence. It always does it for me, putting me fast to sleep.
I just woke up from a nap and life is good. I am again, looking forward to a better day tomorrow and can't wait for it. This is what gets me through this. The hope that tomorrow is a better day. I am almost over the AC, and maybe tomorrow I can say. I finished it completly. A strange thing has begun to happen. Anything disgusting, anything at all, is too much right now. I have to only think of nice things, as anything that is gross makes me sick to my stomach. I can't think of getting the chemo, and even just writing about it right now makes me sick to my stomach. Enough of it. I just can't wait for three months from now. I will be all done with chemo. I'll get to take three weeks off and then start radiation. Happy trails...