Up and in a panic

Today, I realized that I am dealing with the steroids a bit better. I think its because I made peace with them, and peace with taking them. Maybe? I tried going to sleep without a pill tonight, and can't. I slept for a few hours, but my dreams are horrible and full of panic ridden events, so I just took a pill and decided to get out of bed until it kicks in. No reason to lay there thinking about the worlds problems.
I have enjoyed the past few days of being done with my treatments. Immensly. Body stuff that is still going on is the tightness in my chest. Not sure if its lungs or heart, or both. The burn/feel tight when I take in a deep breath and I wouldn't be surprised if I had another attack. I saw my Vedic Astrologer today, Dennis Flaherty. He is truely one of the most insightful people I have ever met. Dead on. Last March, before I found the lump he told me that come the beginning of June my life would come to a screaching halt. I didn't know what he meant, and I surely didn't think it would in such a drastic way. But true to his words, just like always, I was diagnosed June 2. He said he wasn't worried at all, and that my period would come back. I will have kids of my own. Just in a few years. He said until November I have heavy eclipses in something, I can't remember, so health stuff may still be an issue until then. I need to go back and listen to the CD, but he said lots of great things to me. I like to see him once a year and get my tune up. I wish I had listened to him more over the past few years. Everything, and I mean everything he has ever said to me has been right on. In the moment, I didn't want to hear some of the stuff he was saying. Too bad. But lessons learned, I guess.
Time is approaching for my friend Ang and my house sit on Vashon. I just commited to a month long one 10 June-15 July out on Vashon as well. D is always saying how he'd like it if we lived in seperate houses, and if he had a freer marriage, so here we go. For me, I am taking it so that I can use it for restorative time for myself after all this hard stuff I've gone through. I am very much looking for joining back to the old self with the new self. I just can't wait to have that extra personal power once they are united. So very grateful still for all that I have gone through. This summer will be very reflective, and full of gardening. Even though I will be on Vashon I will need to come to my house in West Seattle a lot since I've gone a little over board with the garden. I just can't help myself. So far, and that is the word here, so far, as I do intend to get cuc's, carrots, beans, broccoli, basil, cilantro, tomatoes, and potatoes in still. But so far I have, parsley, chives, red kale, dinosaur kale, peas, violets (I love eating edible flowers in my salads), calendula (again for salads), all kinds of salad greens, spinach, fennel, and cauliflower, oh! and bok choy and nastursiums (for salads again). I can't wait. I am so excited.
I get to have a summer this year. I am not going to miss out on it at ALL! Phew, last summer. Well, I can't bring myself to start reading all that I went through yet, but that sucked. I am exhausted and the pill is kicking in so I am out of here.

Emotional Day

I had an incredible day today. The past few days my heart and soul have been touched deeply by the sun. I know, in the Pacific Northwest the sun doesn't come out very much. But on days like today and yesterday, I just can hardly keep a smile off my face. It is quite a different feeling I must say then in the past though. The sun has really touched my soul with HOPE the past few days. Strange and very unique, I must say. Kind of like the tree frog I managed to grab yesterday when I was walking around Fischer Pond on Vashon Island. The whole time I've been going through this hell ride, I just kept visualizing the end of it, would be the same time that the frogs would start their singing. And so yesterday, it was perfect that I saw one and let his little wet body touch me and my heart. The Frog has been a totem for me on this journey.
I had a wonderful day today. I had my 21st radiation appointment at my usual time of 8:15. I have become friends with all the folks in the waiting room with me. One gentlemans last day was today. His wife brought these delicious cookies, and I said what the heck, its 8:15 AM, why not! I congratulated him. And stood to shake his hand, but suddenly it was not enough and what he had gone through, what I had gone through, we embraced. I almost cried.
I went on my way, onto Vashon Island to give a massage. Doing massage is very good for me right now. With the steroid induced mania, massage forces me to focus all that energy and quiet myself down.
THen I went to see my Onc. When I was waiting for my blood work to be called, I saw a young couple, late 20's. The girl didn't have any hair, was in incredible shape, and was super sad. I started talking to her, asked her her age. Only 26, Hodkins. We just looked into each others eyes, after swapping our stories, not going into the roughness, but just acknowleging how rough its been. And she and I just simply cried. I cried for her. She still had 4 chemo's left, and I felt so bad for her. I gave her my number, and I hope that she calls me. Her name was Alanna.
I saw my Onc, and he told me that he couldn't take me off the steroids unless I took that pill, Colihcine. So, I started crying more. And told him I didn't want to go on it, and that I didn't want to go on it for a year, and that I was afraid I'd have to be on it for the rest of my life, and he hugged me. Looked me in the eye, and said would you take it please. So, yes. I took it today. It makes me really, really sad that I am taking this pill now. I wish I could just be done in a few weeks, and not have any lingering side effects. I am crying right now. I just want my body back. I just want Heather back. I miss her, deeply. I miss my joy. I miss my laughter. I miss her. I do.

Drinking Tea

Life is so good and busy again and I am so happy about that that there is no feelings of being "stressed". I am simply enjoying feeling my body awaken and my mind awaken. Each day I think, " I am back!" But then I fall asleep at 8:30 (except on LOST nights..) and I mean fall asleep. It isn't even possible to put toothpicks in the ol' eyelids, to keep up open. There is an exhaustion that hits me in the evenings and I have been able to sleep until 6 or 7 the past couple of days. I do wake up and panic about various life stuff, but I have been able to calm myself down and enter dream land again. Oh, right I as saying, so then I wake up the next morning and start my day and feel even better. I am remembering how much energy I actually had and I think it will take some time to have my body fully back. Sun-Tuesday I walked 2.3 miles each day and took the day off yesterday because I worked all day!! Those days in bed are encouraging me to "do" lots!! But don't worry, those days in bed taught me my "take time and care of Heather" limits so I know them, well...at least a little bit more.
My mind is healing still and each day it is healing more as well. Massage there isn't that much to think about. Though, I am one of those weirdo's simply remembers every body ailment, or family member once I put my hands on them. This has been challenged a bit. But with real estate its all mind. So, I just write more notes to myself and really I am healing it it feels each day that I challenge it. Tuesday was a really good mind day at real estate and I felt so good about myself at the end of the day.
I am becoming attuned to the idea and fact that I am less weepy, who knows if its from the steroids lessening, if my hormones are all out of whack with this whole chemopause thing, or if I am emersing myself so diligently and busily into lifes work and I don't have the time to think about myself as much.
I believe the later is the truth and cause. My new challenge is to take the mornings to myself. Challenge in not a bad way, like I have to challenge myself to do it to make the time. But challenge in that I want my mornings to remain sacred and I want this time to not go away, so I need to allow and give myself this at least 6 days a week. Until noon. I am also not booking massage after 5:30 so I get home at 7:30. I am not letting myself be as busy as I once was. This is very healthy for me.
D decided, I think, to not go to Hawaii by himself. Who knows..but now we are talking about going to Tulum, Mexico.
The only thing is that we don't know when I am going to start radiation yet, and so don't know when I am going to be done. Then there are the weeks of needing to heal and rest before we hop on a plane to go anywhere. So May it sortof looks like and thats rainy season in Tulum, so maybe the south of France, with the trips to Paris of coarse.
I saw my Onc yesterday for the first time in two weeks. I have now gained 4 pounds since leaving the hospital 154.8. I am bummed, but not too sad. I know I'll lose it. I see him next week and also see the radiology oncologist and together they will decide when I can start my rads. I have really bad acne right now and he said its from the steroids. He said my hot flashes were from the steroids and I had to correct him twice until he heard me. And what he heard me say was, "No. I had the hot flashes go away for a few months, but the last month they came back. Before you put me on steroids they were back and bad." He finally heard outside of the box of "normal" folks and "usual" cases and suggested I take remifemin. I don't like taking stuff, but I read about it its Black Cohosh. I'll talk to the herbalist on Vashon first.

The clown do

Since I've been home from the hospital I haven't had internet access. We still haven't had those guys come by and hook it up for us. Life with one channel, is such a bore!! For a short re-cap of the past few days. Monday was hellashish. I had a really really bad reaction to the Indocin, the heart anti-inflammatory. I woke up with a really upset stomach, a headache that almost popped my head off, and I almost threw up all day. In the afternoon I called my Onc, and he switched me to Cylebrax(sp). I took that Monday night, and then all night long, an even worse headache that woke me up several times. To the point that I started to panic I was going to have a stroke like my mom did.
I got a call from my cardiologist, Dr. Lewis at 8 am! Can I tell you these specialized doctors are so passionate about what they do! Anyways, he took me off of that and just put me on Advil. With the directions to take advil for a day, and then try the cylebrax again. But I haven't done that. Tuesday was my birthday, and I didn't want to get sick. And today, I have a broker's open for my condo listing and a bunch of other realty stuff, so I'll take it tonight. I mean, think about it. Would you want to "try" one more time a pill that made you really sick. NO! Its a no-brainer. In fact, I am not going to. I have an appointment with my cardiologist tomorrow afternoon, and I'll tell him, but I don't think he's going to slap me on the wrist.
The reason being, is that I think this whole liquid around my heart is a waiting game. They are still trying to see if I am getting worse or better. TOmorrow they'll give me another eccho and hopefully they'll be able to see if I have more water or not.
Honestly, its very hard to tell. I feel good, thanks to just being on Advil. But to walk any short distance is hard. Impossible to walk, even with a garbage bag outside to drop in the garbage can. Carrying anything, and walking makes me pant and my heart leap out of my chest. My legs are still very swollen. So, I don't feel like I am getting any better.
Yesterday, I had a great day. I went out to Vashon, had lunch, and visited with my friend Peggy. She is 6 months pregnant, has the same b-day as me, and we've known each other since I was 17. Its amazing to know someone that long. Then I went and got a massage from my ex- boyfriend of 6 yrs mom, Lyn. It was so nice to have someone touch me. Softly. It was wonderful. Then I went home. Starting feeling sick, took an anti-nausea med and waited a bit to feel good. Then D and I went to have sushi. My Onc. said no sushi for me. So I stuck to cooked classics of Soft Shell crab and a veggie roll. My stomach couldn't handle the deep fried crab or the wasabi, so dinner wasn't that great. I feel like a drug addict chasing my last "good" high with my food the past few months. Not being able to taste, and the texture being all messed up because of my mouth being numb and full of cotton sucks. I think of food I want, I try it and it tastes nothing like what it should. I am always askind D, how does that taste?
Well, now I am 34. Its 2009. And I can't wait to be done with all this crap. I can't wait to have a week when I feel so good, that I can run a zillion miles a minute and think clearly and feel good. No lingering sickness in my stomach!
My nails are all gross and I have them bandaged up because they look so gross. They are cut way back because they're dead.
Oh, the title of this post. Here's a funny. You know how clowns hair is. Thick all the way around the sides and the back? Well, that is how my hair is. My head looks like I have some serious widows peaks going on!! I have clowns head!! I hope my hair grows back and I don't have bald spots for the rest of my life!!

The things you do

I really didn't realize all the things I do with my pec muscles until after the surgery.  Movements like washing my hair are not even an option, at least not today.  After surgery, I was wheeled back to the room where D, my Dad, and D's mom were.  I swear I was speaking coherently.   I was so thrilled and stunned that the nodes didn't look like they had cancer in them I just kept repeating, I guess they say over and over, "My nodes look good."  Or, "My nodes don't have cancer in 'em."  I was showing them that I wasn't even in pain, and I showed them once how I could move my arm around.  They all said, "No, stop!  Just relax."  Yesterday, D finally had to tease me a little.  Now that I am off the med's and he mimicked a very slow motioned voice say, "My nodes look good."  I swear I didn't sound like that.  haha.

I can't sleep anymore.  I know my cancer has put my into a very very uplifted cloud in the breast cancer arena.  But I am still a bit nervous.  I feel like I have the luxury of wondering if I acted to hastily in chopping my hair.  I have to just not care.  It will grow back and if I don't have to do chemo, then having short hair for a while can help me in some way.  Right now I am sick, sick, sick of my low back or kidney's whatever it is killing me.  I can't sleep and I feel like one of my massage clients that I love dearly.  She is always telling me that she has to wake up and take IBprofren for her back pain.  Although mine isn't going away with tylenol.  I keep stretching as best I can.  Keeping both of my wings close to my body and turning to either side in between typing.  

I can feel my port in my chest.  It just feels really tight under the skin.  I wonder if I won't need chemo and I'll just have this taken out?  For all you fellow survivor's out there that are tempted to write to me, and tell me wether you think I will or won't, please don't.  I am simply not wanting an opinion here, other than my Oncologists.  I am just sharing this time.  Usually when I ask a question here,  I DO want a response from any of you. But not this time.  I am also up because that means I am either getting closer to the time I start chemo, or not.  And so I am hoping like 60% of me that my Doc says I do not need it.  But then since my Triple Negative feeds on something, they just don't know what and they know that it responds the best to chemo like 80% of me wants to do it.  I realize these numbers don't make up the correct mathematical whatever you call it ( I was horrible in math) totalling 100%.  To me those numbers make all the sense, because this cancer doesn't make any sense.  So, these numbers do make sense.  

I am anxious that I am doing this fertility thing for nothing, and if my Doc says no chemo, I will be again, thrilled to stop this whole process.  I am drinking enough water to water log a camel, so my back isn't hurting do to that.  I just think its all the horrible med's that are finding their way out of my system and I have to remember that my body was just violated and maybe my back mmls were tensing up during surgery, although, I doubt it.  I looked, from the pictures pretty much out of it.  People are bringing by delicious food and we really appreciate it.  I need to get my sister to make a list and a calendar for you guys that have offered.  If I haven't responded yet, its just because there is so much to do.  And to worry about.  If I don't need Chemo, then I think we are fine with the food front.  But if I do, then I want my sis to make it kindof spread out, food coming on the night before chemo. The little planner in me has to find a way to work.

This little planner, The Dictator is what D called it jokingly the day I got back from surgery is trying to find control in the most ridiculous ways.  I am sure it was funny to the 3 of them (my Dad, D, and D's mom) with my slurred words telling them all what to do or how to find things.  One lesson was revealed to me during this time.  One obvious one, I spend entirely too much time worrying about everyone else's needs, even when I've just been operated on.  When I have the luxury of time, to go see a therapist when the Breast Cancer horses are reigned in, it will be a fun self journey to start putting Heather first.  I guess that is what having cancer does to people.  It makes you or should I say FORCES you to put yourself first.  There is a list getting started in my head, a new List of Positives.  This will be a post someday in the future.  

I just have to leave you all with this.  I loved with every cell of my being growing up in Seaside, Oregon.  The fourth of July fireworks there is unbelievable.  I have always loved and watched the sky this evening in delight and wonder and I know that at one point during our united show across America we can all take a second to send out a united Cheer and Thankfulness with me, that my nodes are negative and that Our Lives Are Beautiful.  Whatever our challenges are, we are so blessed to be Americans and to be alive Today.  Opening our hearts each and every minute to loving all of those around us, and not taking our lives for granted.  We are blessed to have the luxury of breathing. 

Sunny Days

I have been feeling so good and healthy the last few days.  It is so weird to me that I feel healthy but this cancer is quietly so quietly killing my body.  What is even weirder is that I have to for the first time in my life make myself sick to make myself healthy again.  I keep waiting to start spontaneously blowing chunks or to start loosing tons of weight or just a sign that I am not well. But there are no signs.  My friend Gen said to me when I first got diagnosed, "When you scan your body can you feel the cancer?"  Great question because normally we can do that.  Its a silent killer this guy.  How bizarre.  

So the impending chemotherapy and radiation treatments are ahead a few weeks and I have right now to feel awesome.  And I do.  All day D and I were out in the sun tooling around hand in hand.  We went to the Tacoma Art Museum and then took the Vashon Ferry over to have lunch, and then drove home.  Our summer is going to soon be full of doctor appointments and a frame of mind that now I am trying to get ingrained in my and our heads.  It is that I have never wanted to be a victim of anything in this life.  I truely believe that I have the power to make anything be positive and if not than I fall into the victim role.  I am going to learn about myself in a deeper way, and am going to look deep into the meaning of life for me, and when anything gets hard for me I want to remind myself that we found it, we found it early.  And that I have the chance to kill this silent killer that once stalked me unknowingly.  And it is a good day.  It is a good day as I am alive and I am fighting a fight and I am going to make it.  

I spoke with a long time friend the other day that almost a decade ago was diagnosed with tongue cancer.  She has had a long battle with this disease as it goes away and comes back, goes away and comes back.  She explained to me that she is living with a chronic disease.  She remarked that it is only my first two weeks, and I am being so positive.  I told her that is all we have.  If not than I fall into the fear.  If all I have is two more years I want those two years to be full of love and of light and of me digging deeper into myself than I ever have.  I don't want to miss any opportunity to love in a deeper way.  So, yes this has been only two weeks in about five hours, but I get to stretch myself in new and exciting ways.

Today I am getting appointments made with my new Cancer specializing ND to help with any adjuvant therapies that are out there and also with a dietician so that I am eating all the right things through this process.  It is another sunny day here in Seattle, and I am going to go take a walk.