Wrap my brain around what?

My web of life is spinning in a new direction today, at least my mind would like me to believe this.  Today, I caution myself to again stay in the present moment as now, I am wondering about the future again.  This future that I wonder/worry about is one that belittles the very fact that I had breast cancer removed from my breast.  Since its not in my nodes, I find myself lessening the fact that I have/had breast cancer.  I feel like I am in an in between state.  Do I have breast cancer in my body anywhere else?  Isn't that why I need to do chemo and radiation?  If I don't and my Doc's knew that for sure, then I wouldn't need to do any other treatments.  Which brings me back to the present moment of forcing myself to wait until I see my Oncologist on the 8th.  I will then sit down and listen to his treatment plan.  

I guess the part of me that wants to make me not having breast cancer a big deal is the part of me that is still in shock.  Shock that I had it in my breast first of all, and secondly, that it isn't in my nodes.  Why was that one so huge, I wonder?  I just have to not minimize it at this point.  I have to keep saying out loud to myself, so that I can believe that its true.  I find myself still saying to D, to my sis, to my friend Gen, to anyone, "Can you believe I have breast cancer?"  The question no one will ever know, is if "It" was "All" cutout the other day, or if I in fact do have breast cancer cells elsewhere, and yes, it will be good that I do the treatment to kill those little avengers.  

The things you do

I really didn't realize all the things I do with my pec muscles until after the surgery.  Movements like washing my hair are not even an option, at least not today.  After surgery, I was wheeled back to the room where D, my Dad, and D's mom were.  I swear I was speaking coherently.   I was so thrilled and stunned that the nodes didn't look like they had cancer in them I just kept repeating, I guess they say over and over, "My nodes look good."  Or, "My nodes don't have cancer in 'em."  I was showing them that I wasn't even in pain, and I showed them once how I could move my arm around.  They all said, "No, stop!  Just relax."  Yesterday, D finally had to tease me a little.  Now that I am off the med's and he mimicked a very slow motioned voice say, "My nodes look good."  I swear I didn't sound like that.  haha.

I can't sleep anymore.  I know my cancer has put my into a very very uplifted cloud in the breast cancer arena.  But I am still a bit nervous.  I feel like I have the luxury of wondering if I acted to hastily in chopping my hair.  I have to just not care.  It will grow back and if I don't have to do chemo, then having short hair for a while can help me in some way.  Right now I am sick, sick, sick of my low back or kidney's whatever it is killing me.  I can't sleep and I feel like one of my massage clients that I love dearly.  She is always telling me that she has to wake up and take IBprofren for her back pain.  Although mine isn't going away with tylenol.  I keep stretching as best I can.  Keeping both of my wings close to my body and turning to either side in between typing.  

I can feel my port in my chest.  It just feels really tight under the skin.  I wonder if I won't need chemo and I'll just have this taken out?  For all you fellow survivor's out there that are tempted to write to me, and tell me wether you think I will or won't, please don't.  I am simply not wanting an opinion here, other than my Oncologists.  I am just sharing this time.  Usually when I ask a question here,  I DO want a response from any of you. But not this time.  I am also up because that means I am either getting closer to the time I start chemo, or not.  And so I am hoping like 60% of me that my Doc says I do not need it.  But then since my Triple Negative feeds on something, they just don't know what and they know that it responds the best to chemo like 80% of me wants to do it.  I realize these numbers don't make up the correct mathematical whatever you call it ( I was horrible in math) totalling 100%.  To me those numbers make all the sense, because this cancer doesn't make any sense.  So, these numbers do make sense.  

I am anxious that I am doing this fertility thing for nothing, and if my Doc says no chemo, I will be again, thrilled to stop this whole process.  I am drinking enough water to water log a camel, so my back isn't hurting do to that.  I just think its all the horrible med's that are finding their way out of my system and I have to remember that my body was just violated and maybe my back mmls were tensing up during surgery, although, I doubt it.  I looked, from the pictures pretty much out of it.  People are bringing by delicious food and we really appreciate it.  I need to get my sister to make a list and a calendar for you guys that have offered.  If I haven't responded yet, its just because there is so much to do.  And to worry about.  If I don't need Chemo, then I think we are fine with the food front.  But if I do, then I want my sis to make it kindof spread out, food coming on the night before chemo. The little planner in me has to find a way to work.

This little planner, The Dictator is what D called it jokingly the day I got back from surgery is trying to find control in the most ridiculous ways.  I am sure it was funny to the 3 of them (my Dad, D, and D's mom) with my slurred words telling them all what to do or how to find things.  One lesson was revealed to me during this time.  One obvious one, I spend entirely too much time worrying about everyone else's needs, even when I've just been operated on.  When I have the luxury of time, to go see a therapist when the Breast Cancer horses are reigned in, it will be a fun self journey to start putting Heather first.  I guess that is what having cancer does to people.  It makes you or should I say FORCES you to put yourself first.  There is a list getting started in my head, a new List of Positives.  This will be a post someday in the future.  

I just have to leave you all with this.  I loved with every cell of my being growing up in Seaside, Oregon.  The fourth of July fireworks there is unbelievable.  I have always loved and watched the sky this evening in delight and wonder and I know that at one point during our united show across America we can all take a second to send out a united Cheer and Thankfulness with me, that my nodes are negative and that Our Lives Are Beautiful.  Whatever our challenges are, we are so blessed to be Americans and to be alive Today.  Opening our hearts each and every minute to loving all of those around us, and not taking our lives for granted.  We are blessed to have the luxury of breathing. 

It's not about the breast

Today was my last visit with my surgeon before surgery.  He helped me feel more informed and I use this word because the fact is is that "they" the Doc's of the world do not know what, how, or why breast cancer was, is , or in the future maybe formed.  And the 10% recurrence rate is a relative value, for all of us.  If you get cancer than X is your chance.  My numbers are not 10% but my numbers are either 0 or 100%. Not a mixture, not a smaller or bigger percent but either I don't ever get Breast Cancer back or I do, and it will come back 100% not sortof, not kindof, not a little, but if it does come back it does.  End of Story.  Okay, so the spiritual side of me can shift all those cells, and I will get to that work when I can.

First, I need to realize what I am working with, what the hell I am trying to shift.  The other fact is that I did visualize my body in complete harmony and I still got cancer.  The doc's and books say I should call it what it is, Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma.  So, that is what I have and I know it doesn't make me what I am, but I have this cancer in my body right now.  Right now I am sick.  Right now I don't feel sick.  My heart is absolutely exploding with pain and grief, and sadness but I could be a poster child for health.  I am that model that is promoting health but takes a break and smokes a cigarette behind closed doors.  

Whether I get a lumpectomy or a mastectomy there is no survival difference.  I will survive, all the Doc's are saying that.  It is a difference of a Quality of Life.  Which today I understood on a deeper level verses the superficial "Range of Motion" I might have due to a mastectomy or wether or not my husband will be attracted to me still.  The real quality of life that my Surgeon spoke about today is that it might come back.  Which CANNOT be mixed up with survival rate, they are different.   No one can tell me any different.  They will have new numbers, numbers that are again for the general public, after my surgery.  Depending on how many lymph nodes are involved.  I will then again be faced depending on that outcome with new "life"decisions.  

My quality of life will be measured with questions only I can answer.  Because if the cancer comes back, there is a big possibility he said that it will come back in another place other than my breast.  So it is NOT ABOUT MY BREAST!  It is about my life, and how much of a risk taker am I.  It is also about the Doc's not knowing ANY real number for me, for my body, and for my immune system on wether or not it will or won't come back.  And if it does, where it would come back to, and when it would.  No one will ever be able to answer this for me.  So my faith comes into play here.  I have decided for sure to do the lumpectomy and before surgery I have got to get myself ready for that decision.  I have to look at it as it is "giving" me a choice, a choice after surgery, depending on lymph node involvement on wether to go back and do a mastectomy it is sparing my breast.  The question I will never know, until "it" comes back, "if" it does, is how long I am sparing this breast.  Which brings me back to It is About the Breast.