Feathers and Fire

Once again, I find myself in awe of the lessons cancer has taught me, and is still revealing unto me. Before Cancer, I sure was a goal setter. A planner to the T. List maker extraordinaire. I am really loving making my lists again, but now my ego is not attached to these lists, or to an outcome. I sit here this morning, full of joy and have gotten closer to a whole(r) place of being in my body, mind, and soul.

This past weekend, I attended a ceremony for my friends daughters second birthday. I have been putting of attending a ceremony since I have been going through this stuff (sounds so trivial when I put it that way..), for the main reason of a few postings ago..I had let go of Faith in my life. I had to. I had to set it aside, and just be "in" the present moment, that in all reality was much more of a spiritual journey than I have ever been on.

Well, this weekend it just happened that my jam packed real estate schedule (yippee a schedule) all vanished for various meant to be reasons, and there was nothing holding me to the city. I drove down to Southern Oregon, and met with friends that had gathered from Washington, Idaho, Alaska, Oregon, and California. Old friends that I have not seen in years. Friends, that are my brothers in my life. Men that have my back. Men that I can call for any reason, and they are there for me. For no other reason, than they love me. Which is hard pressed in my life. I would say I only have two others in my life, that there are no ulterior motivations. Just pure sister brother relations.

In this ceremony, I prayed and prayed, and prayed some more for my friends daughters life. For their life as parents, for their guidance for her, for their continued communication and love for one another so that she may have good examples of the love she deserves in her later life, ect.

In praying for her life, I connected back into my faith. A faith that I thought had gone away. A faith that I felt had betrayed me. A faith that had not been there. A faith that indeed I did feel all along, but that I chose to exile, so that I could dig deeper, and be "alone".

What I learned this weekend is that my faith is not an extension of me. It is not outside of me. It is not something I can "have" or "believe in" or even "live by". It simply is my heart, it is my soul, it is my breath and my blood that pulses through my body with each heartbeat. I looked deeper into myself this weekend and found a stronger me. A wholer me. A me, that I do not not need to exile any longer.

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This week is the second biggest week of my training for this marathon. I run 40 miles, and am very excited about it. I woke up in the middle of the night, freaking out about my Saturday run that will be 20 miles!! Its small compared to April 25th's 26.285... I ran through my first pair of shoes, and bought a new pair yesterday. Very excited to bring these new ones for my ten miles spin today. Its a beautiful day here in Seattle. I am opening my life up for change on many levels. I'm noticing here in my life, that I am not connected to any one thing, as I had been before cancer. I believe after this weekend, it is through my faith, faith in my life, and my body, my soul, my path, that what will be, will simply just be. I have nothing to hold onto, other than change, and the perpetual motion of being in the present moment and living in awe of the unknowns.

Wrap my brain around what?

My web of life is spinning in a new direction today, at least my mind would like me to believe this.  Today, I caution myself to again stay in the present moment as now, I am wondering about the future again.  This future that I wonder/worry about is one that belittles the very fact that I had breast cancer removed from my breast.  Since its not in my nodes, I find myself lessening the fact that I have/had breast cancer.  I feel like I am in an in between state.  Do I have breast cancer in my body anywhere else?  Isn't that why I need to do chemo and radiation?  If I don't and my Doc's knew that for sure, then I wouldn't need to do any other treatments.  Which brings me back to the present moment of forcing myself to wait until I see my Oncologist on the 8th.  I will then sit down and listen to his treatment plan.  

I guess the part of me that wants to make me not having breast cancer a big deal is the part of me that is still in shock.  Shock that I had it in my breast first of all, and secondly, that it isn't in my nodes.  Why was that one so huge, I wonder?  I just have to not minimize it at this point.  I have to keep saying out loud to myself, so that I can believe that its true.  I find myself still saying to D, to my sis, to my friend Gen, to anyone, "Can you believe I have breast cancer?"  The question no one will ever know, is if "It" was "All" cutout the other day, or if I in fact do have breast cancer cells elsewhere, and yes, it will be good that I do the treatment to kill those little avengers.