Rugs of Hair

Years ago, I met a woman that lived on the Eastside, in Bellevue actually that sold beautiful rugs. I asked her if she would be willing to trade massage for one. Quickly, she and I hit it off and we spent the next few years, every week, trading. I have a bazillion rugs now that are housed at various friends homes and are also strewn about my cabin.
She was a young mother of two teenage kids. Michelle was in her early forties. I met her just as she had finished Breast Cancer treatment, her hair was a delightful pixie cut, and she was in the process of getting implants. I learned a lot while I worked on her, all-the-while thinking OF COURSE, I would never be dealing with Cancer. That was about eight years ago now.
I admired that she loved to go out dancing, and rage at various local shows till the wee hours. I watched her fall in love with a man that loved her despite her being without breasts & during the process of getting breasts. I loved her spunk. She was a wonderful mother, her sense of “Napoleon Dynamite” humor with her kids, and… and…SHOOT! I totally thought she had Health in her future!!
Finally, I got my fill of rugs and ended our trades. I got married, and life went along the road of the living. Well…we all know how my story goes and that I entered her side of the Club I didn’t want to belong to.
The past couple of weeks, I have been driving past her neck of the woods for the first time in years and I thought, I should go by her house and say hello. I tossed that idea around for a few weeks, feeling it sink deep into the bottom of my belly. Feeling the undeniable, “I wonder if her cancer came back? I wonder if she is alive? I wonder if she is married to that nice man?” Well, this week I decided to take a left off the road I travel on, and make my way up to her house.
I got a little lost, I couldn’t remember exactly. When I was a little girl, my Mother taught me to get around and remember directions by landmarks…by trees and such. That helped guide me to her house as I saw a familiar Rhododendron and I took that right. As I pulled into her driveway I noticed a “Baby Girl” balloon outside the door. I thought, Jez…did she just have another baby?
I didn’t have to knock because a nice man opened the door and I introduced myself as I asked if Michelle was still here. He said he had bought the house a year and a half ago and that he was (I knew it was coming) sorry to be the one to give me the bad news, but that Michelle had not made it. I looked up into the stairwell and saw that his families photos had replaced Michelle’s families. I thanked him, and as I walked away, I said, “Looks like you have a lot of life to be celebrating in there. Enjoy.” I walked away with a newborns cry and a somber mood.
I drove away and cried, and spoke to her, and remembered her. The past few days I have been thinking about her and realized that I did much of the “coming back to life post treatment” that she had. I rarely missed a night of dancing in the city and had a summer of the most fun I have ever had as an adult. I partied (in a good way) like it was 1999!!! (I’m a Prince fan, what can I say)..
For some reason the length of her hair when I last got to work on her stuck with me. I’ve been mulling and processing in my head how sad I am that I never got to sit and have that cup of tea with her. I never got to shock the heck out of her and tell her I got sick too! I never got to ask her to go dancing with me! Why did she not make it? Where are her kids now? This is my next step is to track them down. The Seattle area is small, and I know enough people that once I start the “did you know”, to my friends I will find her kids or her parents.
Tears are pretty full this past week. If I slow down and just look, they come. This morning, as I was massaging I looked in the mirror and saw that my hair is now the longest its been since I was diagnosed in ’08. Its shoulder length now! Wow! I cocked my head from side to side, and watched it sway back and forth. I still enjoy my new treat of swirling my hair when I am in bad traffic. I never was a twirler before cancer, but it’s a sweet and fun way of connecting in with my ego, my girly side, and celebrating having hair.
I thought today, Wow! At each stage of length bald, fuzz, chemo curls with pixie, at ear length, and now at shoulder length I was healing in drastically different ways. One of the hardest parts of writing this particular book for me is processing all that I went through in one fell swoop. It takes me months to process from a full weeks worth of work and I then start to compile thoughts through that healing, and then go back to paper and write more. Hhhmmmm…Yes, I am still healing. I feel incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to do all this personal growth and am excited to some day share it.
People want to know when I will be done with the book? These folks are not writers, as the published writers in my life, all laugh when I talk to them about how I REALLY feel like answering this question. I have no idea when it will be done. It’s not just a fun book to write, you know. It’s a beautiful piece of artwork that is in the process of healing my heart as I birth it. It will take some time.
Well…Michelle, I am so sorry you didn’t make it babe. You were amazing. I am so very sorry and bummed I didn’t get to drink tea with you. Ugh. Belly cries and sadness.

379 Posts...

You know, its really hard to stop writing here. So, today, as I sit for my latest three month appointment in a room of folks with varying hair lengths and varying levels of anxiety (both partners and loved ones and patients) I sit waiting for my name to be called. I really try to let the scared feelings of "what if its back" stay out of my mind. I am pretty much a believer in my "cancer free" status, even though I have not been told I am yet by my doctor. I haven't been declared NED. Maybe I should ask him today if I am. Or when I get to be. I am here for a few things and a few of them have been driving me crazy. One that started when I ran my 18 miler, my body started retaining water and has slowly kept this up. Last check up I was the heaviest ever in my life, and even my doc was shocked once he saw my numbers..I have been traveling a bit and airplanes are a nightmare for me. For some reason the retention stays for weeks, and does not go away without water tabs. Then I lose about 5-7 pounds in one night, and still my legs are full of fluid. I can feel it, its uncomfortable to say the least, and I want an answer. No more, well...that's just what happened because of chemo. I want to find someone to explain to me, why and how, and then I can rest. Because in this unknown is where the scared, "is it back" feelings go. I start worrying that there is undetected cancer somewhere causing the retention. My latest vacations have been really almost unbearable with this. I swell, and secretly worry a lot. I finally am talking about it. Okay, now I am back in the little room. The room where I've sat with D, and was initially told all about my cancer, the room that I sat processing all the icky stuff that happened to me, the room that I sit cancer free? No one knows that for sure, that is why I still have to come back here every three months..I wonder when I get to graduate to every six months. There is a question about that..that is why he didn't graduate me yet. hhmmm...so I guess my fretting is okay, and maybe its okay to talk to the loves in my life about it.
There is a sense of...I have worried them all so much and talked to them what feels like to me, till they are all cancer blue in the face, and I just don't want to worry any of them. Its been easier to just talk to my cancer therapist about it (she's very concerned and is the reason I sit here today) and just let everyone go back to living their little lives. My life has gone back to a near normal. But it hasn't arrived yet to my New Normal. I am still figuring it all out.
The other thing we are keeping an eye on are my hormone levels. They were very, very, very low six months ago..low as in there is no way you will come out of menopause...but miracles do happen. To starting my moon, and the numbers coming up ever so slightly to my Onc saying, "maybe you are just doing a sporadic sloughing, and still kid...don't get your hopes up." To, know this past month, I've had two moons, and I think last time I was a little nutty. Maybe. I have NEVER in my life gotten nutty with hormones, but maybe my body just got inundated with them and my counts are way up. I am trying to not get hopeful, and excited about this. We will see. What I do know, is that I am living life to the freaking fullest. There has not been one missed opportunity to have fun. I have started opening my heart and falling in love with a dear tender soul, and that feels good and scary and beautiful.
Life is full. Excited to have my Onc walk in and give him a hug. I can feel the tears already.

Wishful Endings...

May flowers bring me one year and eleven months from the day I was initially diagnosed. I wrote this posting days ago. I have been sitting with it, making sure it is something I am really ready to do. My dear friend asked me the other day, " are you sad in your decision? I said no." But as I write here, I feel sad. But the sadness is not in the letting go, but in all that I have gone through. I am ready to start placing my energy on going moving forward and writing my book, and living life.

***My friends keep texting me and saying, You are a Marathoner. Wow! I am. I did it. I never let myself think about the whole 26 miles. I didn’t want to psyche myself out. I must say, that I think I could run a fifty mile, ultra-marathon now. With proper training of coarse. But for sure, I am already signed up for another marathon, and my new goal is to run four marathons a year.

I made a little Picasa web album with comments so that you all could see the beautiful place I ended all of this. I cannot think of a more triumphant ending. I was diagnosed at 33, went through fertility treatments, eleven chemo’s, and 33 radiations, on top of experiencing all the wonderful side effects that seemed to be ever present with each bend in the road, and then ending treatment I filed for divorce.

I got knocked down over and over and over. I learned how to not let that take anything away from me. Instead, I learned to surrender to all the twists and challenges and embrace them. I hope my blog will continue to help you woman and men out there that feel alone on your journey of cancer. Whether it is your journey, your sisters journey, or your wife’s journey. My prayer is that my words bring peace into your lives.

I often wrote thinking of some young woman in a little town in South Dakota with no support around her. I wrote to comfort you, to comfort me, and to comfort our families. I am totally done writing here, with the exceptions of posting updates of events I will be speaking at and creating. I am ready to start writing and being there again for the woman on the Triple Negative Breast Cancer Foundations website. This site was one of the most helpful, loving, supportive, and real places I could bring all of my emotions, all of my thoughts, and not be judged.

There will be a new chapter in my life, but first I must close this book, and regroup in the life that I now have worked so hard to be a part of. My life has come to that joyous place that Survivors ahead of me said would come, “Heather, some day you will go a day without thinking of breast cancer. You will have a life back. You will have a new normal, but normal you will have again..I promise.”

Thank you all for your love, for following my journey, and I look forward to hearing from you. Please continue passing this blog onto anyone you think that it will bring comfort, peace, and healing to.

Steamin with friends

Last night I happened to be on island with some free time. I thought of the frogs that are billowing out their cries for us all to awaken from our winters dormant sleep, and unite with Spring. I realized I needed to go take a walk in the dark and listen to them sing to me. I was ecstatic to have my friends pick up their phone, and they too were on island. Out of all the fancy spas (I am a spa-a-holic) I've been to, their sanctuary is my favorite. There were just four of us in there, and we were able to sink quickly into the conversations that I love the most. The real ones, on life, and bouncing ideas off one another. I realized something in there. I am perfect as I am, in this moment, and I think I've been being too hard on myself.
You know, I haven't done this kind of healing before, haha..so I was inflicting some hurry up, and get back to "normal" crapolla on myself. Last night, as the hummingbird slowed down, and I massaged my aching legs, I wrapped myself in the present moment of just being, just noticing.
I have always known that I am perfectly where I should be. Trust me, I say as I laugh at my inner hippie girl. But, she..the HIppie girl has been in a long hibernation. She had to go away so I could take all the stuff I did. I feel really sad, as I sit here and cry looking out at big ships pass on the Sound. I feel really sad that I put all that stuff into me. The other day I took a walk with a new friend that is a cancer survivor. He said to me, that there is a small percentage that he could get I think it was Lymphoma, but maybe I'm wrong, but some other cancer from his treatment he'd undergone. There is a grief in this potential of buying time.
We are all buying time. My friend who has early onset Parkinsons, is hoping to buy time with some new meds. Ladies getting botox, are buying time. Haha.
We are all buying time. Borrowing time, I mean. As it really isn't ours to be had. Or is it?
All I know this morning is how incredibly grateful I am to my friends. To my loved ones that at every single turn are there. I have been incredibly blessed to have so many teachers, friends that are my deep soul filled family, and my sister who are there for me. Life has been hard for everyone of us, in the past few years. I think as I come out of my slumber, energetically I am feeling this as well.
Here is a little poem I wrote this morning, as the Spring birds renew my Spirit like no other.

***

Sweet song birds
calling forth your mate
lay me an egg
to find as I walk this soft earth
broken shells to be kept on my altar
full of growth, fertility, new beginnings, and a promise of tomorrow

Time to start living

Survivors ahead of me on the road to recovery said over and over to me, "There will come a day when you do not think of cancer." That was hard to believe. Hard to imagine. I can happily say, with tears streaming down my face, that that day has almost come. So much to say. I moved, and have been overwhelmed with busy life things to get internet at my place. And processing at my office is not the thing to do.
where to start. I'm going to go back a few weeks to my counseling session. I must again state here, how important seeing a cancer specialist therapist has been to my recovery.
I was in there telling her how overwhelmed I was. Telling her all my "USED" to be stuff. I used to be a good multi-tasker. An unbelievable one. I still do more than the most person in a day, but in doing that I have huge anxiety, huge sense of non-well-being, and just not coping well. She said to me, as light bulb went off in my head, "Heather, when you got diagnosed everything became structured around doctors appointments, and chemo, and radiation, ect." Suddenly, the dam broke and I just started to cry.
That was it. I had, with a goddamit HAD to stop everything. I had to say goodbye to my life and stop living it...so that I could get a chance to LIVE again. Wow. It is time to start living again. To stop going through the steps, but actually living. Making plans. I have been making plans. But those plans were sprawled across my mind, and had no connection to my heart. I realized with great JOY, as I grabbed her notebook and pen out of her hands, I NEEDED TO START MAKING MY SCHEDULE!!
I realized that I was safe to do so. I can ease into life. I can wake up, drink my tea, day dream about anything (which is NOT cancer related anymore), get dressed, go work out, go into my office, go do massages, go back to my office, take a walk, eat nourishing food, and go to sleep.
I spent the summer just being a crazed extrovert with no direction at all. This winter, I am sinking into my life again. Actually, just the past couple of weeks. And you know what? The anxiety is gone. I am much more relaxed. Realizing at the sametime, that I still have a ways to go with feeling safe and mentally sound.
That was huge.
The other huge thing, is that I have commited and have started training the last couple of months for the Big Sur Marathon, April 25th. I had decided I wanted to run one, and then I ran into my friend Bridget. She had run this one, and loved it. I looked it up, and smiled instantly when I saw the date. Exactly a year after I compeleted my treatment, I will be kicking cancer in the ass with a marathon. In one of my top three favorite places in the world.
As I train, I visualize crossing the finish line, and breaking my hand made pink ribbon that my sister and one of my best friends Gen will be holding. I started out thinking the ribbon will read, "Fuck Cancer." But then, that is not really me, and have been thinking more on the lines of, "I beat breast cancer". That is not it, still thinking. You all may suggest a one liner for this ribbon for me!! At the end of the day, its going to be a total reclammation of my body, and saying to myself, If I can get through cancer treatment, I can finish a marathon, and I will do it. I am on week 5 of Hal Higgdon's novice plan, and am absolutely loving feeling my body getting stronger and stronger every week. Last Saturday was my big run of 9 miles, and I finished. Slow but I finished, in an hour and 49 mintues. This Saturday is a 10 miler. I am training twice a week with a personal trainer, and feeling very strong. This is helping to decrease my anxiety as well. And very happy to say, my hot flashes, have all but vanished. Except last night, I woke to wet blankets, a major night sweat.

I am doing well. I am healing still. I am learning how to simply live, so that I can integrate all my new learned lessons of self. I am being gentle with myself, and only surrounding myself with positive people. I was in such need during my treatment, that I took help from anyone, now its time to move back to pure joy and light again.

I am becoming whole. I made my next three month appointment during yesterdays couseling session. I kept putting it off, and needed my hand held during the phone call. Its for February 3rd. I will let the scared feelings wait for that day and the next, until I get my tumor markers told to me over the phone. That news and bad feelings can wait for those days. Today, is a day of light and joy, and kicking ass!

Why Panic?

I am home, trying to multi-task with all my bazillion ways to be in touch with folks online, and all I can do is keep bringing my mind/self back to the present moment, because it keeps racing ahead and freaking out about tomorrow. I wonder if there will be a time that I don't freak/panic out the day before my "check-up" appointments. I wish my sister lived here, so I could sit in her lap and hold her hand. Of coarse, little Nolan would be in her lap, so I'd have to sit next to her ( I say with a smile).
Thoughts that race through my head and not listed in order are:

1. What if the lump is cancer
2. Would I do chemo again
3. What if it disappears and I can't find it
4. Maybe I should put lotion on my boob like I did, when I found it. Would that be weird to do in front of my Oncologist? No, probably not. (Now, you gotta laugh at that one)
5. As I was getting my mani and pedicure today, I thought, "maybe this is the last one I'll be able to get for a while." Because, maybe I'll have to start treatment again.


It is very hard to stop this senselessness and bring myself into the present moment. Breathing is a good thing. In and Out. My mind sometimes feels like a wild horse, and I just put a loop around her neck, and yank her firmly, but gently back. Whhhooaaa...there!
So, all I know is that my last three month check-up I had him feel it. Or somewhere around there. I need him this time to feel it again, and to make a biopsy of it, or to at least show me in the MRI that it is there, but not cancerous. Phew. It sucks living so far away from my sister's hand. I'd squeeze it really hard right now. Can you feel it, Wendy? : )

Casting for Recovery

I'm feeling the old writing bug gooshing through me right now. I'll probably start writing often this weekend. To go back about 9 or 10 months ago....And for those of you that are Golden Girls fans....Picture it, it was 2009 I was in my month 3 or month four of laying in bed straight. Sick as unimaginable, sick as sick gets, watching or trying to pass the time, or trying to feel normal, simply to find things to laugh at by watching The Today show. There was a segment on Casting For Recovery. A fly fishing weekend for woman with or having gone through Breast Cancer. That was my bag. I knew it, I knew I had to go. It quickly became a goal of mine. Once I got well enough, I printed out the application and sent it off. I called every once in a while to find out when they were going to announce the prized winners of the lottery style drawing. For months and months, I simply told anyone and everyone that in October I was going to go to this fly fishing workshop. I did not leave any room for the possiblity that I was not going to get picked. I was. That was it.
I DID!!! I got the letter in the mail and I have been looking forward to this day for months. The Washington state workshop is being held at the coveted Sun Mountain Lodge. I didn't want to carpool with anyone. For a few reasons. One, I wanted to cry if I needed to cry. I wanted to sing loudly to any music I wished. I flucuate between Country and AC/DC at any given whim. I also just wanted to be by myself. This vacation, this trip isn't about anyone else but me. Every other crazed adventure I've been on this summer was about seeing family or best friends. This one, just me. For me. About me. To me. Back to Cancer.
Well, Hello Cancer. There you are, I said to myself as I sat in a room full of courageous beautiful woman this afternoon. After we'd all filed in and put on our name tags. FYI, I never ever ever wear a freakin name tag. I first of all don't like being told to do so, and I hate conforming to mundane things like this. But today, I put that tag on, with a little hesitation. But quickly, let it go. I didn't have to worry about people thinking I was anything other than who I am. I could let my name tag guard down, as I and am surrounded by a bunch of woman that KNOW ME. Without knowing me. They love and I love, without a word.
So far, the experience has been wonderful. I have stayed away from any "cancer groups" as I've heard they are usually full of those that are the "poor me's". I can't stand that.
Casting for Recovery seems to have 14 woman, that are adventurous, fun, loving, deep, super fun woman. That I have to get off this computer and go downstairs and have virgin drinks with. haha...
I am looking forward to this with so much joy. As I drove up today, I saw the sign, CASTING FOR RECOVERY on the outside of the lodge, and I just wept. My Tribe was inside. The knew me. I had the image of a hand, and I was in the middle of the palm; supported with knowing and love. I had a doozy of a summer "pretending" to be "normal" and going back to life. THis is a great opportunity to go back to the Cancer Heather, and do the homework I need to do. LIke be with her. She's full of lots of sadness, and joy , yes! I have wallowed in the joy this summer. Anything and everything, I mean everything that was a possiblity, I did it. Seriously. The fun was had. Now its fall. Now its fly fishing ( a sport that is relaxing and one that I can do with just one person) and its time to be still. Its a great intro to begin writing again. Of coarse I couldn't start writing my book until after the adolescent puberty like explosion of a summer, and now fishing...fall winter..
I'm Home. Home is where the heart is. Aaawwww...Heath..there you are.

Ending of Summer '09

This summer is shortly coming to an end, in just a few weeks. Its been a summer of change. Most importantly reconnecting the “old” Heather, pre-marriage-pre-cancer, to the “new” Heather.
Last night, my dear brother friend David, had a sweat lodge at his house for me. In the sweat, I thanked Spirit for giving me the lessons that I learned from Cancer. How I learned to open my heart to a depth that I did not know existed, to those that love me. I prayed that I may stay in the present moment, which enables me to feel this love from my friends, and allows to me to give my love authentically. I truly am a blessed woman, with so many friends all around me. Raising me up, and supporting me on my life’s journey. I have a lot to be thankful for.
This trip to California was pure love, pure vanity ( as I went shopping and went out lots, which enabled me to feel vanity rise inside me once again). It’s a wonderful thing to be a woman, and to again walk with confidence that is held and supported with pride. Before cancer, I would have noshed this, possibly thinking, in the back of my mind, how shallow it is of me to feel that way. But now, I just love it and embrace it and am so thankful for it.
Then again, I can do that and the very next night, sit up in a sweat lodge and pray and sit on the earths soil in reverence.
I got three pimples on this trip. I laugh and point them out to my girl friends, because its my body trying so hard to start work again. I even started sweating, only in my left underarm, not on the right yet. The right side is where the surgery was, where the cancer was, and where they took the lymph nodes out. I think that side of my body is still in shock. I feel my ovaries get warm off and on, but nothing yet.
In a few short weeks, I’ll be divorced. I’ll be Heather MacLean, again, instead of Heather Bakstad. I can’t wait to have my maiden name back. A sad change. A change. A grateful change.
I’ve been noticing how the “new Heather” processes change. Change on any level really. Its way different. I don’t get as sad as before (not that I ever was a sad person) but I just don’t get caught up in the “resistance” to change. Change occurs more rapidly now. I see that something isn’t working, and wham..done. Make the change, instead of sitting in front of the change for a long while. Starring it in the eye, and dragging it out.
Now, its over. Now, Its time to move on. Now, its time to live the life I want, right now. I don’t hold back how I am feeling with anyone. I tell everyone how much I care about them, how much I love them, how much I like to hang out , ect.. I am not going to miss an opportunity to be in the present moment and to share how I am in this world, because of social barriers or social walls. Or peoples unavailability, due to their vulnerability issues.
I find the dearest of friends, are able to accept the love and give it back. And that is really the defining experience in my life this summer. I no longer will hold myself back, and miss out. My choice is to love. My choice is to live. I will let people around me choose how present they want to be, and how open they want to be, and how vulnerable they want to live their lives. That’s about it. Pretty simple. Pretty real.

Exploding Love

I have always been a high energy girl! Like those of you know that have read this blog from the get-go, I never crawled and at 7 months I just got up and started running, and screaming of coarse! I'm still really vocal, and still full of energy. But not like the past few months. I'm not sleeping very well at all. I toss and turn and finally get out of bed in the middle of the morning. Thank God for my new addiction, FaceBook. I would described myself, and did to my Onc the other day as maniacally enjoying life. He said, " how about taking sleeping pills a few nights a week." I balked at that idea, but honestly its starting to sound appealing. I told him that I am taking 1/2 a one every few weeks just to get one night of solid sleep. He said he doesn't think I can keep going at the pace that I am, without sleep. That makes sense. No one could go for very long, even if they were a coach potato with the amount of sleep I am getting.
What wakes me is my little hummingbird just whirling inside of my chest and I find myself wanting to jump up and down on my bed with sheer delight! YOU GUYS!! I AM BACK, AND I'M FEELING AWESOME!!! This is possibly one of the most exciting times in my life. When I was married, I shut out all but a select few of my girl friends, and this summer being as my friend Emily always sings to me over the years when I am single, "free and single, she likes to mingle, she lovveess the part-y liiiffeee." Its true. Cancer, forced me to open my heart to all of my friends again, and now that i am all done, and single, they are all still rallied around me and I don't have a spare moment without one of them loving me up! So I get to love back, and be loved, and I couldn't be happier.
I find myself driving down the road and I start crying (a manic sign....who knows-maybe its a coming to life sign) because I am simply exploding with love.
I have not called (because I've been having too much fun) Dr. K's office to get my tumor marker numbers. They are of coarse good, other wise he would've called me. I have it in my to do on Monday, so that I can keep track of my numbers.
I told Dr. K that he should not refer anymore patients to the dip whit cardiologists I had been seeing. I told him my new one rocked, he agreed. He asked my what about her I liked, and I made him laugh out loud when I said, " You know, all the cardio's I had seen were just guessing, and telling me they were guessing. With her, even if she didn't know what to do, and even if she is guessing, she didn't tell me that. She allowed me to feel safe, and that I was in competent hands."
Which leads me into the thought I've (one of many-one reason I don't sleep) been having. There was a study done years ago, with children with cancer. The study did a visualization with the kids while they were getting their chemo that Pack-men were eating up their cancer. And then every night their parents would lead them through the same visualization. The kids that had this done, survived 50% more than the other kids.
Which made me think about how dip-whit cardio, who will not be mentioned kept telling me he had no idea how to treat me, and "this is where art and medicine come together", and a slew of ridiculous stuff. He freaked me out. He made me not be able to trust my body. I tried really hard. But honestly I felt like I was a walking time bomb.
Visualization is an awesome thing. And I just live my life like that. I always have. I think it started with sports. The night before a game, I'd visualize me playing, ect..It works. It does. Its time for me to start having faith in something again. This is kind of one of the hardest things for me right now. I am a deeply spiritual person. But this foundation of mine got shattered. I still believe everything I did, before cancer. But now, I also see that possibly all the faith and visualization in the world, still doesn't change one's Karmic path, or ones whatever. However, we as humans use words to make it okay to go through tough times.
The other hard thing is vanity. It was NOT hard losing my hair. When I did, I was in the beginning of a race, and I knew what was a head. I knew I had to let go of everything. But now, that I am done. Now, that I am starting to run again, and exercise, and laugh, and feel awesome, I want my long hair back. I am actually loving that its growing. But at the sametime, hating how short it is. And it is SUPER, SUPER curly. Its those chemo curls!
I'll leave you all with an exploding love for life, and go out there and do something fantastic just for you, today!

So I am not crazy...

I feel so good that I just read that two of you understand fully what I have been feeling. I thought that last night, maybe I came closer to understanding it. But honestly, I am starting to think that my therapist is right and I am suffering from PTSD, post traumatic stress
But maybe its just that I was a healthy 33 yr old, living life and had a pretty darn carefree, easy breezy life. And then the next moment, the phone call, the shattering, the world crumbling, making decisions, facing decisions i never thought i'd have to face, being sick, losing everything in my life, e*v*e*r*y*t*h*i*n*g, being sick some more, just trying to get through, not being understood, not being loved through my deepest darkest sickness, you get the idea.
So, maybe I am just seriously shell shocked, and scared to feel and scared to love and scared to feel some more, and scared to feel myself, and scared to trust myself, scared to trust my body, scared to trust my immune system, scared to put faith and trust in my future, scared to get close to anything or anybody again, as it may all be ripped from me again. She says, and types with tears streaming down my face.
And I am really, really tired right now, I just ran a year of IronMan's and am exhausted. And I don't have the energy to do this opening right now. So, I walk through life like a zombie. Or maybe its not this at all.
I feel happiness, and joy, and victory, and vanity, and love, and fear, and I FEEL, its just not sinking in. Like I am not getting invested in life.
WEll, thanks for saying Krisa and Tink that you get it, or are experiencing this.

Too bad there isn't a place that us young woman, after this hell we go through, can't go to and sit in a teepee together, or sit and massage and braid each others tears and look at each other and say, WE MADE IT! WE ARE DONE. Now, how do we go on. How to we rebuild from here? Where is this place? I wonder how many of us, loose our mates through this, and are left to rebuild a life from the beginning?

Well, Heather, You made it. Krisa, You made it. Tink, You made it. How is it that you are moving through this?

**

The other thing I find myself grappling with is for the past year, to get through this I had to live in the present moment, constantly. That is how I made it through. But now that I am done, in the beginning is was hard to think 2 days out, then 7 days out, now I am trying to imagine a few weeks out. Its hard to plan stuff, although my planner in me would like to think that she is ready to go gangbusters. But in reality, I like that I learned how to live in the present moment and would like to continue living my life. But how do I do that when there are goals and things that I want to do? Like having kids?

In my dreams

Last night, as I slept, I thought about the title of my blog. Heathers journey to health. Mmmm...

Finally, I feel like I AM this tangible road. This past year, I was on it, but there were obstacles at every bend. Like the road out to Hana, on Maui. Over 200 bends, and curves, but along the way waterfalls and sacred places to clear the heart and soul. This year has been full of this. I made it.

I am not sure why I feel like I am now "really" on the road to healing. But maybe its because I notice my body coming to life again. I see my nails growing, my heart opening further, the tiger in my starting to fluff its main and feel the growl (speaking of, I need to do more of this), and I get to call my ND next week and start the cleansing procedure. I get to take trips away, see friends, walk up hills and not feel like I am an old woman gasping for air.

The road to health, to healing, is much longer than I thought. Just like Hana. Next time I go there, I am flying past all the bends and curves, to get to my favorite spots. And I am ready to let this past year, be in the past. Phew! She says with tears.

Another thing I love, is that I get to hold other sisters hands, all strangers linked by a common thread. A friend said to me yesterday that I should do rituals for other woman when they are done. Or help them with creating their unique way of moving forward. I like this idea. Life is so expansive and open. Ceaseless, endless opportunities to grow, to love, and to usher others. I feel blessed to be on this road.

Battle Won and Done!

I've pretty much been bawling every since I got on the table this morning for my last and final radiation appointment. I am allowing myself to take it easy today. I recognize that if I start doing stuff, that I will miss the opportunity to be present in the celebration and process of feeling all my emotions of being done. I am going to let myself drink tea, sit on the coach, read my book, talk to friends and family, and write. Tonight I have one massage to do, and that's it. I bought myself a bouquet of flowers to celebrate my accomplishment.
When I was walking out to my car, I surprisingly had flash backs of all that I went through. I saw myself in the genetic counselos office, I felt D with me through all that I went through, I just had vision after vision, the fertility docs, the shots, and the one that I keep coming back to is this one. Me with long hair, in my favorite brown blazer with pink roses on the back, walking and knowing in my body my grace, my self-assured self, my beauty, my non-touchable strength, the part of me that was young and untouchable, the girl that could do anything she wanted and truly believed it, the sexy girl, holding hands with my husband as we walked in on a weekend morning to see my Oncologist for the first time. Before I knew much of anything about my cancer, just that I had it. That's why I took that last photo of Swedish Cancer Institute. It reminded me of that.
I am not that girl anymore. I am not. But I am. Oh, god. Its been rough. I cannot believe what I have gone through. I cannot believe I made it. I just cannot believe it. Phew, she says with tears streaming down my face. I think I am going to cancel that massage tonight. I deserve to not work tonight, and celebrate.
I will probably come back here a few more times today and write more. I will say that when I was done and I got in the car, I called my sister and just cried. She was so happy for me, and I was so sad. It is a strange kind of celebrating that I feel like I am supposed to do. It is kind of like going to a funeral and finishing a race at the same time. I am not sure about the funeral part right now. I just feel it. There is a mourning that I feel deep down, in my stomach. And the celebration is higher in my body, in my chest. I look at my red little breast and just stroke it and say poor you. I see pictures of myself on my computer and I stroke her and say, poor little girl.
Well, I am done. FInally. I am thrilled. I am starting to plan my 1 year survivor party. I was diagnosed June 2, 2008. Since they count your years of survivorship from the date you were diagnosed, I am having a party. You will all be invited. I need to get the paperwork in to the city, as its going to be held down at Lincoln Park in West Seattle. Down on the beach. I am excited. That will be a great day. To see all my friends and family that have supported me and helped me get through this. Thank you all for all your emails and comments that have helped give me strength to get through this.

***

I talk to my sister at least 2 X's a day, sometimes more. And today is one of those days. We keep calling each other and reminding each other of things we both went through during this cancer hell ride/journey.
I was talking to her about the "funeral" feeling and I think I might have a better grasp as to why I have this feeling. I kind of feel like a kid that is on one of those horrific child leashes and is walking around Willy Wonkas Chocolate paradise.
What I mean is is that I still haven't gotten the "Your all clear" from Kaplan my Oncologist yet. So, I am hesitant to scream hippie!! Or what I mean to say is HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE !!!!!!!!!!"
Yes, I am thrilled that I am done, and overwhelmed with this fact. But am I for sure? So, yes..there will be a day when I feel even more relaxed into the idea of being cancer free and really done. I cancelled my massage that I was supposed to do tonight and we are going out to my favorite restaurant Zoe in Seattle. I deserve and D deserves it. I might write again later today. And add on here. ***

I have been reading my book, drinking lots of tea, crying off and on, and I just spent a few hours in the garden. My head feels clearer. What writing and gardening can do for the soul! I made an appointment with my Onc for next Tuesday so I can talk to him about these blood tests that I need to start. I want to hear my blood cancer counts...

Oncology Therapy

I have found a wonderful mental health, talky-talky therapist here in Seattle. Her name is Janet Abrams and she is wonderful. I have seen therapists off and on since I was a little girl, and I feel so blessed to have found her. When my mom first had her stroke, I went to see my first specialized therapist for Grief and he was mind-blowingly perfect for me. I learned a lot. The main lesson, and I know this is a deviated (steroids and all the energy and mind-altering deviations they give me) but the main lesson he taught me was that when I was with my mom, it wasn't about me. It wasn't about me needing to and trying to convey, fix, or repair anything. That work could be done in therapy, but what I needed to do was just be present with her and in the present. You know what I am saying? Am I saying this correctly. My mom deserved to have her kids usher her into the otherworld, and to allow her, her sacred rites of passage, of passing. Not me crying over all the hurtful stuff, things unsaid, but just loving. Being in the Love.
So, this grief therapists is sortof like Janet in that they specialize. I like specialists is what I am discovering through all this. My Grandad told me once, get really good at one thing, Heather.
I saw Janet a few weeks ago, and I wasn't on steroids. Today I walked in there, and it was very centering, healing, and opening to be me to see ME. She validated me. She understood how traumatic of a week I just had. Not that she has gone through it, but she has made Cancer, her lifes work. One thing that is really hard going through this is that no one truly "gets" what or where I am at. Or what I have/will/had had to go through. D surely doesn't get it. Which I get. I learned from my mom's passing, that until you lose a parent, it is very hard to be in a place of understanding. But of coarse, there is just being a simple caring soul who is there for someone.
And I get that. Lots of you, lots of the girls on the Triple Negative Breast Cancer Foundation site, friends, family, and my Keller Williams family are there for me. All asking me how I am doing. But unless you've gone through this you don't get it. So, I just cry. There is so much loneliness at a time when life is so full and feeling all that life is about. Such a contradictory journey.
Janet helped lead me to an understanding that I am different on the med's. I am pretty manic really. That was this morning a few hours after I took my med's. Now I am exhausted, barely able to keep my eyes open, on the coach, and will take them again tonight at 9.
At the base of all the "manic-ness" and all the anger, and all the crap, there sits sadness. Just blue, deep, dark, ocean blue with the foggiest, unknowns following it. Hovering over the sea with the heaviest rain falling. Just sad. There are a lot of tears to come. To heal. To come full circle again. I only have 16 radiation appointments left. And then, I can enter this place. Safely. The unknowns of life and my imminent time of departing this world can once again become part of a future time that won't be on my shoulder, cawing and scratching at my every move.

trickling back to life

Most of the time, I feel like I am back to "life". I have been pretty upset the past few weeks, emotionally. Not for any other reason that just coming to grips with the fact that I "got" breast cancer. I am trying to not dwell on the fact that my period hasn't returned yet, but this is upsetting. There are lots of things that are upsetting.
But there are a lot of things that are positive. For instance, morning, I had radiation #11, so only 22 left. I saw my eye doc again, and he said in surgery they found a bunch of little obstructions. My eye isn't tolerable yet to me, so we may have a few other options in a few weeks to discover. I am now eating vegetarian. My Onc says he doesn't care what I eat. My ND that focuses just on cancer says only red meat once a month. And most of the literature I read says that I need to not eat red meat, as it turns carcinogenic in the body. So. Diet is one of three things I can control.
#1 Diet
#2- Exercise

Which leads me to my other positive so far in the day, is that I started running again. I started lifting weights and walking last week. And today, I walked a 1/2 mile to the beach, ran I think 3/4 of a mile, and walked back up the hill doing lots of lunges to my home. I feel great.

and the
#3 is attitude. Of coarse. This one makes me angry because I had a really good attitude before cancer. I never dwelt on getting cancer or even thought of it. So this one pisses me off. LIke my attitude is going to keep cancer away. Well, who knows if it will or not. So, I am going to opt to try to get back to the attitude of not thinking about "getting" cancer again.

Last week I saw my first mental health Oncology Therapist. I basically cried the whole time I was in there. Literally. I am sure she clincally diagnosed me as "depressed". I think I might be. Or maybe I'm not. Maybe I am hormonal with lots of those changes, since I don't have my period. Or maybe its because I am overwhelmed with emotions because of what I have had to face in such a short period of time or maybe its because I had to face it at all.
I told my eye doctor today that I just want to be a normal 33 year old girl again. I really do. I want to bleed every month, I want to get hormonal achne again, I just want to not have my world be full of hot flashes, and doctor appointments. My friend Gen is in Eugene visiting her boyfriend for the next month and my sister lives there, and she's pregnant. I want to go visit them, but I can't because I have doctor appointments every freakin' day.
Did i mention how incredible my body feels right now? I just ate a delicious salad had some "Veggie Delight" on the side (look it up for those of you that don't know it) and my spirit feels pretty good right now.

Old people in robes

The waiting room for radiation makes me feel out of place, with the exception of one thing. I can look around and anyone in a robe, ask, " What kind of cancer do you have?" I have lots of emotions in there. One when I hear old people, like old.. Like super wrinkly and not able to update their own watches because they don't know how to or can't remember how to. So they come up to me and ask me to, when all I want to do is sit and think about myself and what I am doing to myself. It pisses me off that I am in there with a bunch of old people. None of them knowing how it is for me at my age to go through this. To them, who the hell knows. I don't know what its like for them, and I honestly do not have the patience, the humor, or the grace right now to try to understand what its like to get cancer and try to fight it when you just have years left.
The kind girl in me, and the adult woman in me knows that this anger isn't really angry at them. I am just angry, and pissed. So, I try to not talk to them. I am sure over the next 6 weeks this anger will pass. And I can see the truth that we are just people trying to live, trying to buy ourselves time. Me, probably more time then them.
Yesterday, I almost started to cry when I got on my robe and sat in the chair and waited to be called. It was just us ladies, and we all had gone through our various treatments. I being the newbie, didn't know any of them, but they all said hi to one another. You see, you go at the same time every week, so there begins to be a connection to the other people in robes. For a moment, this room reminded me of a women's sweat lodge. All the emotional baggage we can bring along with us in our daily lives, all our grief, all our saddness, all our joy, and share it with one another in chanting or song, or story. And this last one is what it felt like. We all had a story, a horrendous story, and we all shared a similar thread. I couldn't help but breath deeply as this experienced washed over me.
Touched so deeply, and finally around my kind.
I haven't cried on the radiation table the past few days. Once they position me, so that my tattoos line up with the red laser beams, the treatment itself is just about four minutes. Tops. My skin is still doing great, three treatments down, only thirty left. As my best friend Gen said today, you're an eleventh of the way done! I loved her optimism. I am using a topical treatment called Biafin. Not sure what if anything it is doing but I am using it.
I am starving right now. I have a quick eye surgery at 2:30 today, and since I am going to see an athenthsiologist, I haven't been able to eat since 6 AM. I am really hoping this does the trick. Yesterday, I gardened outside and the cold just makes my left eye tear up so badly that it is hard to garden and wipe my eyes at the same time and not get dirt in my eye. For those of you out there that have this same problem, I would tell you that Dr. Heffernan is incredible and a joy to be around. You should get this surgery done.

Sleeping alot

I have been going to sleep around 8:30 for a while now. Last night, the Amazing Race was on, and I fell asleep watching it. I have just been exhausted. I slept pretty well last night, woke up around 2:30, drank some water, and then fell back to sleep until 6 AM. I woke up with tons of energy, so I made a beef stew. Today is absolutely gorgeous and I am wishing my blister wasn't having such a hard time healing. I think now that I am lowering the steroid dosage, that my WBC count is getting lower, possibly. I just don't understand if it was high why it got so infected. As, I have had neosporin on it constantly with clean bandages. I wish the rollerblading blister was healed, so I could go bladding again today. Yesterday, I took my first 2 mile walk down to the beach and back. There is a huge hill that I walked briskly up, but had to stop a couple of times and catch my breath. It felt so good to walk up a hill, to feel my heart beating, and to feel the strength in my legs. My leg muscles were actually a little sore, not noticeable, but just a little, "hey, were here," feeling.
I am beginning to have fleeting moments of feeling my athlete in my rise again, and she dreams about the day I can go for a run again. She thinks of just running down the block and then doing lunges home. : )


****

I took another 2 mile walk today down to the beach, but this time I didn't have to stop to catch my breath. Its amazing how sore my tibialis anterior's were! Ouch!! My body is waking up and being sore!

Sleeping, and then not

I have had to teach myself how to sleep again. Last night was my first night since the whole hospital incident that I fell asleep for almost 8 hours. I have been going to sleep around 8:30-9:30ish and waking around 5-6 am. I was so excited that I managed to do this last night, that I was hopeful this was going to continue. I was wrong. Tonight I went to bed around 8:30 again, but I just woke up in a panic, layed in bed trying to talk myself down, and finally am up haphazardly watching Saturday night live and writing here. The Jonas brothers are on SNL and I just don't get why little girls are so in to these guys.
Before cancer, I was always an excellent sleeper, my entire life. Pretty much as soon as my head hit the pillow I'd fall fast asleep. I might wake up with a nightmare, but was always able to calm myself down, if I had to I'd wake up and journal about a bad dream, but I'd be able to go back to sleep. But now, what happens is I wake up from in a panic over one thing or another. Tonight it was the realization that I have come to terms, fully with the idea of "what if" my cancer comes back, and what will I do. I have not come to terms with it on such a scale that I've called and made the plans, but I at least know what I'd do and who I'd call, and what I'd say, and who I'd let in/out of my life. Because, I am not going to "fight" to live, and "kill" and "poison" myself again with chemo. But then again, the plan I have is only a plan, and hasn't been and hopefully will never be "challenged" by the actual event, that could/may/very well change all that I have and will say here. : )
But, I woke up with the realization that I have given enough energy to my "what if plan" and this was neccessary. I am a planner at the core, and I need to not be crucified by shock if "it" comes back. This very well may kill me and take me down emotionally. I can only have this happen to me once, and that day was June 2, 2008.
So...I've planned enough, thought enough, and now, NOW I need to let it go. I need to now be in the present moment again, know that that plan is in the corner, under that rug, and hopefully I never need to pull the rug back and use this plan. So, there you go little plan, little idea, there is your resting place. And now, I need to be in the present moment, and in this realization in my sleep, I woke up in a panic, or should I say the little hippie in me woke up in a panic. Because I started to worry that I have thought about this too much, and that if I don't get a grip on it, I could be creating a "situation". But the realist in me understands that the hippie is being ridiculous and that if "it" comes back, it wasn't and isn't my fault and there is nothing I could've done differently. But still, the hippie is winning out here. Basically because I don't feel its healthy for me to think about my demise. So, I am started thinking about this over and over, and the survivor in me that wants to live started to panic about this whole freakin' thing and I tried to sooth myself into going back to sleep but I couldn't.

I couldn't because of the obvious reasons. The old sleeper didn't have BIG stuff like this to mull over, and did I mention to you that since I've been done with chemo my chemopausal symptoms have been full on again? Hot flashes constantly. So, I lay in bed with hot flash after hot flash. Whipping on and off the covers. And the more I think, it seems the thoughts trigger hot flashes, and they come in waves. So....after about an hour of this ridiculous crap, I got out of bed and luckily SNL is on.

I think I'm better

You know, when my Onc told me to get the utlra sound for my heart because he was concerned something else more sinister might be happening I told him, "I don't feel like there is water around my heart." The little hippie girl in me that like to believe I can just check in with myself and know what's going on has been teased mercifully since I got diagnosed with cancer. I had no idea I had cancer, and I had no idea I had two liters and a pint of agua in my chest cavity.
Today, I get to go see my Onc and get another chest xray and I am excited. I do not know if its possible, but I feel like I've lost 30 pounds in the past few weeks. I have slowly been ballooning up more and more, and know that I am done with the chemo for almost a month, and had the procedure to let me heart start working properly again, my body is just flushing out all the water weight I gained. It was so hard each week getting on the scale, sometimes in a week gaining 10 pounds. I wasn't eating any different than I normally would when I was on the last chemo drug, Taxotere. Now, the AC totally different story! Do you guys remember the every two hour wake up and eat steroid induced insomnia I as having. That was horrible. If I was a wealthy woman, and could have had paid a friend to stop her life to come and live with me during this time I would have. To wake up all those hours and be able to talk to someone, to make me food. : )
So today is chest x-ray day. They can't really ever tell me exactly how much water is in there, but last nights sleep was the best so far. I don't think I can remember waking up feeling my lungs hurt when I rolled on to either side. Yesterday was my best day, so far in months and months. I am really emotional and am crying a lot and that is just the way it is. I am not judging myself, the cancer took that one away. If I am in my office and something touches me, or if someone tells me something and it touches my heart I cry. I cry because life is so freakin' precious and people and their stories and my story just makes me cry like a four year old who doesn't yet know that sometimes in an adults life its not okay to cry. I am sure life will callous this gift cancer gave me, but until then, I like I did yesterday, start crying when my broker gave me a hug as I was leaving the office yesterday and cry myself to the car. Life is tough.
Back to the doc's I am also really really excited to get on the scale. If you guys remember the topping weight was an unbelievable 173.2 and I left the hospital at 155, and I am feeling like mmm...lets see maybe 147 now. I can't wait to see. I started out at 138, and am excited to get back there. What I am even more excited about it being 138, but being fit. Seeing my leg muscles again, and being able to twirl around like the tasmanian devil "doing" things.
The other thing that I've seriously started contemplating is borrowing my friend Leighs hair extensions. She's battled and now WON. (and she's just a wee bit older than ) throat and tongue cancer for 5 years. Well, she bought herself some very expensive hair extensions and I am over looking like I have cancer. Now that I am nearing the end of my treatment I want to look pretty again. She said I need to have a little more hair so they can put them on, and I am really excited about this. In fact, I've just for sure decided, I am going to do it. The lesson of going bald and learning how be different in this world was a very valuable thing for me. I got my feelings hurt on a regular basis. And then I learned that especially with the kids that just cannot help them selves from running over like in the grocery store and looking at me with a quadruple take for me just to say to them, "I know I look kind of funny without any hair." That always cracks a smile on their curiosity and they go off running in the direction of their parents. Maybe I learned how to deal with it, and maybe I just got used to it....NOT!!

Know when to stop

I have learned during this whole thing more about my body and have gotten even more in tune with it. If I push myself on my good days too hard, I always pay for it. The longer this chemo goes on for, the quicker this happens to me. Today was a good day. It started off with some energy. Energy enough to clean the kitchen, and take a break. Do some laundry, and take a break. And then do some paperwork, do some more paperwork, drive to the office and sit and do more paperwork and then I started to go down hill. My neck and ribs have been bothering me and so I drove to my chiropractor. I should have stopped there and gone home after this appointment but I was close to Whole Foods and everything at PCC is making me nauseous so I went there. I was sick walking in and tried to focus on buying food that I will eat and that's good for me.
I am home now laying in bed with a pounding headache and a queazy belly. I didn't finish all that damn paperwork today, so I am hoping tomorrow is a good day so I can get it all done. We sold our house the day before Thanksgiving (can't remember if I already said that) and it closes on January the 8th. I would normally be packing and such but I just cannot do it. I simply do not have it in me to do that. I just have it in me to get all our paperwork in order for the move.
Speaking of paperwork. I have been diligent with keeping every single insurance paperwork and filing it away. I always joke around that my bill is at least up to $400,000 worth of medical costs. Each chemo alone is about $30,000. That's 16 total of just them. Oh, wait, I just did the math on that, that = $480,000 so my costs are way higher than that. If I didn't have kick ass health insurance what would I do? What kind of care would I get? Anyways, that file is really really thick, like about an inch and a half thick. I can't wait till this is all done so I can add everything up and see how ridiculous the charges are.

Where to start

I was just contemplating where to start my post, and I looked down at my mouse pad on my laptop, and there is a sign of the times. An eye lash, small like one from my lower lids. I don't have many left down there right now. My tear duct surgery I think didn't work. I am feeling really discouraged the past few days. I have been in bed for days now, trying to get strong. Just walking down to the kitchen to get water is a big deal. Sometimes I'll lay in bed till I am out of my mind thirsty and then I'll muster the strength to get some. But back to the damn tear ducts. I am wiping them constantly and as I type my right one needs to be wiped as its getting blurry, of coarse I'll wipe the left one as well. Sure enough, both had big tears in 'em. I see my eye doctor on Tuesday for another follow up. I am going to ask him to tell me if it worked. Its been almost a month now and I'd think I wouldn't have to be wiping my eyes constantly. I have nightmares during my waking day dreams of being that lady that has to have a tissue with me constantly. I don't and can't be that woman. I'm an active girl. I keep holding onto the fact that he told me that 90% of the surgeries work. So...they're still healing! Right? Well see on Tuesday.
I had a good day finally today. I was not sick to my stomach once.
I'm still not eating that much. Which leads me to yesterday. D and I took a walk in our six inches of snow that blanketed our streets. When we were out I had him take a picture of me. When we got home I asked to see it. Holy Shit. I am so fat right now. My once thin face with high check bones is now one round face with absolutely no facial detail. I was so sad for a while. I just keep going back to being thankful that my Onc told me I'd probably gain 20 pounds, and I am glad I spoke to other thin survivors whom told me they gained 20 pounds during treatment. So, I have a rolly polly face right now and its hard to look in the mirror.
Speaking of mirror. I look in the mirror but generally just look in my eyes and notice the wrinkles that are etched under my eyes now (they were not there when I got diagnosed). I think all this wiping away of tears is causing wrinkles!!
I have a new favorite TV show. The secret millionaire. To end on a happy note. This show I would hope is invoking in Americans across the (gotta wipe my eyes again) country to help others in whatever capacity one can. Before Breast Cancer, I thought about volunteering at schools to teach kids to read. But I never followed through because I let it not be a priority. I let Heather and her busy life be a priority. Since I was diagnosed I have had a burning desire and prayer of how I can best help those with cancer, when I am done with my treatment. There are so many ways, and believe me.. I lay in bed thinking of this many hours a day. I have a few good ideas, and I can't wait to start giving back.
If everyone of us helped give back in some way, that truely touched others hearts, it would change America. Canada, France, wherever you live. It would change the world. It would put the love out there and our hearts would have a chance to connect with others in a "real" way. This show makes me cry, but everything, and I mean everything makes me cry right now. OH! I've turned into one of those, criers! It makes me laugh.