Why Panic?

I am home, trying to multi-task with all my bazillion ways to be in touch with folks online, and all I can do is keep bringing my mind/self back to the present moment, because it keeps racing ahead and freaking out about tomorrow. I wonder if there will be a time that I don't freak/panic out the day before my "check-up" appointments. I wish my sister lived here, so I could sit in her lap and hold her hand. Of coarse, little Nolan would be in her lap, so I'd have to sit next to her ( I say with a smile).
Thoughts that race through my head and not listed in order are:

1. What if the lump is cancer
2. Would I do chemo again
3. What if it disappears and I can't find it
4. Maybe I should put lotion on my boob like I did, when I found it. Would that be weird to do in front of my Oncologist? No, probably not. (Now, you gotta laugh at that one)
5. As I was getting my mani and pedicure today, I thought, "maybe this is the last one I'll be able to get for a while." Because, maybe I'll have to start treatment again.


It is very hard to stop this senselessness and bring myself into the present moment. Breathing is a good thing. In and Out. My mind sometimes feels like a wild horse, and I just put a loop around her neck, and yank her firmly, but gently back. Whhhooaaa...there!
So, all I know is that my last three month check-up I had him feel it. Or somewhere around there. I need him this time to feel it again, and to make a biopsy of it, or to at least show me in the MRI that it is there, but not cancerous. Phew. It sucks living so far away from my sister's hand. I'd squeeze it really hard right now. Can you feel it, Wendy? : )

Is this a Dream?

Last night I kept dreaming that my surgery was tomorrow (today now) and I was so anxious about it.  I'd wake myself up and remind myself that tomorrow was only Thursday.  I am anxious because once the surgery is done, within a few days I will finally have my final diagnosis and this will and won't be a great thing.  

The thing is that I find myself, like yesterday afternoon thinking in my head that maybe the Doc's will find that I don't have breast cancer.  That maybe this whole thing is a huge mistake.  Why would I have breast cancer?  It is just not possible.  So, maybe they made a bad mistake.  But then I have to remind myself, that I saw my MRI's and my PET scan and yes, I saw the tumor.  So, the countdown is on.  All my questions will be answered soon.  All the Survivor's tell me that this is the hardest part.  All that I have been through up to the surgery.  Once I start treatment its just moving through the process, and then life will be back to normal.  Possibly going a day without thinking about cancer.