Why Panic?

I am home, trying to multi-task with all my bazillion ways to be in touch with folks online, and all I can do is keep bringing my mind/self back to the present moment, because it keeps racing ahead and freaking out about tomorrow. I wonder if there will be a time that I don't freak/panic out the day before my "check-up" appointments. I wish my sister lived here, so I could sit in her lap and hold her hand. Of coarse, little Nolan would be in her lap, so I'd have to sit next to her ( I say with a smile).
Thoughts that race through my head and not listed in order are:

1. What if the lump is cancer
2. Would I do chemo again
3. What if it disappears and I can't find it
4. Maybe I should put lotion on my boob like I did, when I found it. Would that be weird to do in front of my Oncologist? No, probably not. (Now, you gotta laugh at that one)
5. As I was getting my mani and pedicure today, I thought, "maybe this is the last one I'll be able to get for a while." Because, maybe I'll have to start treatment again.


It is very hard to stop this senselessness and bring myself into the present moment. Breathing is a good thing. In and Out. My mind sometimes feels like a wild horse, and I just put a loop around her neck, and yank her firmly, but gently back. Whhhooaaa...there!
So, all I know is that my last three month check-up I had him feel it. Or somewhere around there. I need him this time to feel it again, and to make a biopsy of it, or to at least show me in the MRI that it is there, but not cancerous. Phew. It sucks living so far away from my sister's hand. I'd squeeze it really hard right now. Can you feel it, Wendy? : )