Bloating can be...

Summer is in full swing, and I literally have been home just a few days here and there over the past few months. I went on a motorcycle tour of Italy, Switzerland, Austria, Slovenia, and Croatia..with my new man. Life is so fun. I catch myself playing with my hair and I can actually almost pull it back into the tiniest of ponytails now. This makes me smile secretly to myself. What I found out at my doctors visit last week is this. My ticker is awesome the swelling is not from that. Which leaves it to, Chemo and/or hormones. It is common for a few years following chemo to experience what I am experiencing. They do not know why, but really that is now okay with me. It seems that that is the answer to so many of the crazy things that have happened to my body. "Heather, we have no idea why, but we do know, its chemo induced." Okay, I can live with that. My numbers all seem to be in the awesome range. I'm off, into the sea of living life and enjoying every moment of it.

379 Posts...

You know, its really hard to stop writing here. So, today, as I sit for my latest three month appointment in a room of folks with varying hair lengths and varying levels of anxiety (both partners and loved ones and patients) I sit waiting for my name to be called. I really try to let the scared feelings of "what if its back" stay out of my mind. I am pretty much a believer in my "cancer free" status, even though I have not been told I am yet by my doctor. I haven't been declared NED. Maybe I should ask him today if I am. Or when I get to be. I am here for a few things and a few of them have been driving me crazy. One that started when I ran my 18 miler, my body started retaining water and has slowly kept this up. Last check up I was the heaviest ever in my life, and even my doc was shocked once he saw my numbers..I have been traveling a bit and airplanes are a nightmare for me. For some reason the retention stays for weeks, and does not go away without water tabs. Then I lose about 5-7 pounds in one night, and still my legs are full of fluid. I can feel it, its uncomfortable to say the least, and I want an answer. No more, well...that's just what happened because of chemo. I want to find someone to explain to me, why and how, and then I can rest. Because in this unknown is where the scared, "is it back" feelings go. I start worrying that there is undetected cancer somewhere causing the retention. My latest vacations have been really almost unbearable with this. I swell, and secretly worry a lot. I finally am talking about it. Okay, now I am back in the little room. The room where I've sat with D, and was initially told all about my cancer, the room that I sat processing all the icky stuff that happened to me, the room that I sit cancer free? No one knows that for sure, that is why I still have to come back here every three months..I wonder when I get to graduate to every six months. There is a question about that..that is why he didn't graduate me yet. hhmmm...so I guess my fretting is okay, and maybe its okay to talk to the loves in my life about it.
There is a sense of...I have worried them all so much and talked to them what feels like to me, till they are all cancer blue in the face, and I just don't want to worry any of them. Its been easier to just talk to my cancer therapist about it (she's very concerned and is the reason I sit here today) and just let everyone go back to living their little lives. My life has gone back to a near normal. But it hasn't arrived yet to my New Normal. I am still figuring it all out.
The other thing we are keeping an eye on are my hormone levels. They were very, very, very low six months ago..low as in there is no way you will come out of menopause...but miracles do happen. To starting my moon, and the numbers coming up ever so slightly to my Onc saying, "maybe you are just doing a sporadic sloughing, and still kid...don't get your hopes up." To, know this past month, I've had two moons, and I think last time I was a little nutty. Maybe. I have NEVER in my life gotten nutty with hormones, but maybe my body just got inundated with them and my counts are way up. I am trying to not get hopeful, and excited about this. We will see. What I do know, is that I am living life to the freaking fullest. There has not been one missed opportunity to have fun. I have started opening my heart and falling in love with a dear tender soul, and that feels good and scary and beautiful.
Life is full. Excited to have my Onc walk in and give him a hug. I can feel the tears already.

The anger of Blood

Okay, yesterday as I was massaging I revisited the hard part of my weekend. The hard part being the part that I had the base emotion of anger when hearing about woman laugh and joke about their menopause symptoms. Hell..I laugh about mine. What more can you do right? But in the care, in the safety of others that have been through it, I was able to be in the anger. I say as tears stream down my face. Its not quite time to do a ritual about my chemopause. Because I still am in belief that it is Chemopause, and not menopause. This morning I woke up to my ovaries feeling really warm.
But back to the safety. I could miss the opportunity to get real with myself. But luckily I am looking at it. I want to be a mom more than anything in the world, well...besides getting to be healthy for their lives (of coarse there is a their~I want twins....). This has been the hardest part of this whole, "Heather, you have cancer." Thing. And now its a, "Heather, you HAD cancer." And I just simply want my life to be back. I want my ovaries to work. I want to sweat again. Funny thing at the retreat, I found out that I am not alone with that one. There are others that have never starting sweating in their arms again. I have not under the right one.
So...The Anger..deserves to be capitalized. It deserves to have an alter made for itself. And it deserves to be acknowledge so that I can get to the real feelings of sadness, despair, hope, and trust. I just need to trust. If it doesn't come back, I have those little frozen eggs. And if those don't work...there are lots of fertility options and then adoption...but I really want to have my own, in some form.
I am so thankful for Casting For Recovery. I feel like I have been walking through a jungle to get to a lake, for nine months, or however long its been that my moon went away. Now, I am standing at the lake, just looking at it. And all the feelings that I have about my moon going on vacation, swims in the lake. CFR allowed me the space, the grace, and the ungrace, to finally see myself at the waters edge. Each day, I now need to look for a rock that speaks to this pain, and start piling my rocks into a pile, and talking to the rock that I place there. Sharing my pain, sharing my wishes. I need to let go of this grief. I am scared to. Maybe more scared than anything so far on this journey to health. I have to use all the lessons Cancer taught me to get through this. Time to surrender and to open my palm even more, and just love myself and be with myself. Be with my ovaries. Be with my blood, that circulates through my body. And a famous sentence my Dad always says, that has been so helpful during this past year pops into my head again, "Heather, there is no reason to stress over it, stressing over it won't change a thing."
I am heading out to Vashon in a few hours. I am going to start my rock pile out there next to my favorite pond. Fisher Pond.

Opening

I have been working and visiting with friends like a maniac. Yesterday was my first day in weeks where I did nothing, and spent most of the day alone. I was able to slow down and get tired, finally. About a week ago I hiked a nearby mountain, well..not all the way to the top, but close. My body felt great and I wasn't in pain. I am not sure if what happened yesterday is related to the hike or not, the doc's will all say no it didn't. But I think it did. But then again, I'm not a doc and maybe they are right.
But two days ago, I noticed when I was giving massages that my chest started hurting when I bent over to grab my massage oil. So, I started to put the bottle of oil on counter tops and not on the floor. This is a classic symptom of pericarditis. Bending forward and hurting. Even though I've gone through this a few times now, I still ignored that I was in pain so much that I had to change my pattern of doing things. I'm stubborn what can I say!
That night when I crawled into bed, my chest hurt to lay on my side. When I woke up, I new I was in trouble when simply walking down the stairs made my heart really hurt. I found myself holding onto my chest as I jostled my way down to the kitchen. I can't believe my good luck, but one of the top cardiologists in the city is one of my new clients and I was just so happening to give him a massage that morning (yesterday). He told me what he thought, but then again he hasn't seen my charts. I made some laughs about girly stuff like, "Crap! I don't want to go back on steroids. I am just starting to lose this weight. I don't want a moon face again!"
I left there and phoned my cardio, who was and is on-call all weekend. He put me back on steroids and it took until this morning for me to take in a deep breath with no pain, but I can now say, I am pain free again.
This sucks for many reasons. One, is that my inflammation punched through the anti-inflammatories that are non-steroidal. This is not good because for Two, inflammation around the lining of the heart can cause the lining to thicken which leads to a surgery that sounds straight out of a horror film to me. The surgeon would peel/scrap the lining away so that it is thinner. No thank you. Third, I might have to be on a low dose of steroids for a while. Four, I don't want a moon face anymore, and I was really liking the beginning of being able to see my damn cheeck bones again.

The good news, is I knew what to look for and jumped on it. And I am not going to have another full blown attack. The other news, is that I am switching to one of the top cardio's in the United States, and will be in good hands. Not that I wasn't before. But at least we can get to the bottom of this and I can relax knowing that I am in good hands. No more, "well this is where art and medicine come together." Hopefully my new cardio, can talk to other good cardio's in the US and figure it out.

Signed,

Pissed off on a sunny day in Seattle

Totally Annoyed

Well...I went to see my Onc today, and sure enough the lining around my lungs have a minute amount of water around them, and I've gained 3 pounds in a few days since I last saw him. My ankles/legs are way more swollen this evening then they have been in a while. I am totally annoyed, exhausted, and ready for this to be over. I have another eccho tomorrow to see how my heart is doing, and I can guarentee that there is water around it. It feels weird to bend over, its hard to differentiate between my heart and lungs, all I know is that my guts feel weird.
My Onc is not concerned right now, and so i am not as well. Yeah, right! I just want to be fine, I just want to start my damn rads and be done with this. I asked him today if this could be something I might have to deal with for the rest of my life because maybe my systems got messed up with the chemo, and he said he didn't think so. He thinks that it might just be that my body needs more time to heal, or it might be a virus. He told me to keep working, to keep walking, and to keep doing whatever I am doing. I am fine. We'll know more tomorrow. I feel fine, really I do. I am not trying to talk myself into anything. I DO however, feel kind of depressed with the news that there is more water around my lungs.
I feel like I was told I had to run five miles, and I had it in me to just do that. I ran the freakin' five miles, and I can't do anymore. I am done. I want a massage, and to drink some water, and then eat a really good meal. I don't want to have to run another three miles. I want to be DONE!! Of coarse we all know that I have it in me to do more, and we all have it in us to dig deep and do more, I just am hoping I don't have to.
What I would love to happen, is that there is no water around my heart, and that my Onc and my Onc Radiologist tells me this week that I am allowed to start my rads next Monday and that i am done with all this crap by Mid-April!!!!!!!!! Lets cross our fingers that this is the case.

Okay, the TV junkie is me is off to watch the Bachelor and to put my feet up.

Not sleeping

I have slept maybe a total of 30 minutes tonight. I have been on lots of steroids and with the pain I have been in, I am wide awake. At 2:30 they finally dosed me with lot of IB proferuen. THey think the cathader is poking my heart or somewhere in there and causing me pain. Its hard to tell whats going on with your guts. I would have never thought I had as much water in my lung as I have, and I honestly would have not imagined any water around my heart. So, I am wide awake getting OBAMAED up.
I called Gen, since she is 3 hours ahead. The IBproferuen helped take the low grade pain to the curb so now I am just up on steroids. I'd have them give me a sleeping pill, but once I realized what was happening to me, it is now the time for everyone to start making their rounds. So I just ordered a small breakfast and maybe that will help me get sleepy.
I am hoping they pull the liquid off my left lung today. Since they keep saying both lungs have about the same amount, and now that I know how much was in the right side. I want the left side tapped so that it can heal quicker. But I don't know the protocol with doing both and the heart within a few days of one another.
I can feel my body besides all this doing better. My blood counts are getting higher and that makes me happy. Soon, this will be a distant memory all you Survivors say. I can't wait. Yesterday I had a few dear friends stop by. Margie, Lea, Sarah, George, and D stopped by after work. They kept me company and helped talk me into a nice sleep. It reminded me of when I first was on AC and Gen was in town taking care of me. I'd have her just talk, and talk she would. She would tell me every story and thought under the sun until I fell asleep.
I'll write more later in the day. Once whatever is going to happen happens. I doubt I will go home today because I still cannot stand up and walk a few steps to the bathroom, use it and walk back, lay down without being in such pain that I need fentanyl. So well see..

Someone's stepping on the hose

Okay. For all you mom's out there. I am back in room 705, at Swedish. I got in touch with my Onc and he had me check myself into the ER. He said that the cardiologist and the on-call Onc would meet me here. One of the messages of this post is that miscommunication happens, and you must be on your tippee toes to be your own advocate, constantly. Because ER doc wanted to give me, himself, alone the diuretic..Which 4 doc's have been debating for an entire week. The reason being is this..Hold on it gets deep...
Okay. Here's the deal. There are two water problems in my body right now and they are related. One being that my whole body is swollen with fluid. The way a body typically gets rid of this fluid is that it gets into your blood vessels and gets pumped through, by your heart, and eventually your kidneys pee it out. Here comes the second water problem. Which is, there is a pocket of water around my hear that is squeezing it. Which makes my heart beat as fast as if I was running. Which is insane. So..its working hard enough doing its thing, (very healthfully i will add) but it can't handle anything more. Like getting rid of my the water in my body. Which has caused a literal backup in my body. Its a vicious cycle.
So the problem with diuretics is two things. THe first thing is that it works on the first fluid problem, the fluid in my legs and everywhere else. Not the fluid around my heart and lungs, which by the way is worse now than last week, says the x-rays and another eccho tonight. The second problem with diuretics is that it lowers the amount of water in my vessels which means that squeezing around my heart would be allowed to squeeze my heart even more. Which would cause low blood pressure. And this would be dangerous.
So...they have now decided to do the heart tap, so that hopefully the vicious back-up problem can be fixed. I of coarse have feelings about this. But that is tomorrow or the next day.

My friend Tamara came and met me at the ER because I was very scared and sad and scared some more. I will write more later. I don't know how this is all going to work out. I am sure I won't die from getting my heart punctured. But just in case, I want to let those of you that know me, know that I love you all. And I have lived a wonder-filled life. And I do not regret anything. I have LIVED! I am just saying this, not to be melodramatic, but because often people hide and don't share how they really feel. So there you go!

****

I am going through my blog, as I write my book years later. February 1, 2012 to be exact. This is the one post that I must change..

Now, I no longer am protecting D. To go back to the phone call my Doc and I had. The one he told me to go to the ER. Well, I was in such debilitating pain, that that night I had a CT scan because they were all afraid I was having a heart attack. I thought I was as well. That is how badly I hurt. Do you know what D said when I said, We have to go to the ER? Sorry, I can't go. I need a break. I am not going to cancel my dinner plans with my friend and we are going to see a show. I can come see you tomorrow. Fuck him. I was so incredibly hurt by this. I was his wife at this point. But a wife that was starting to see the man I had chosen for myself. I was the type of woman that did everything around the house, even during treatment. I still tried grocery shopping, even if I had to ask someone at the grocery to push my cart through the isles. This sucked, and hurt, and tore a huge irreparable whole in my heart allowing me to see that the marriage I'd signed up for, was always, going to be about him.

Pissed off

I am so angry right now. Its seems that no one has a game plan on what to do. My cardiologist said that indeed it looks like I have more fluid around my heart, and in the left lung. He didn't see my right lung, because the eccho was for my heart, the left side. As of yesterday, so in 5 days I gained 8 pounds. Of water. My leggs are so swollen that its hard to walk and they hurt. When I do walk somewhere I start panting and get out of breath. My heart pounds when I am resting. So, my cardiologist said that my heart is healthy and though its getting squeezed right now, its not in danger. He wants to see me in another week.
I then spoke with my Onc and he gave me 3 choices for getting rid of the liquid in my lungs. Come now and go into the hospital and get it out, come (today, I spoke w/ him on thurs) and do an outpatient and get it out, or wait until Monday. Well, this was a tough call. But I had waited for 3 months for a class I had signed up for and I didn't want to cancel it. So I said wait until MOnday. But if things get worse, call the doctor on call over the weekend and get it out. Which I may do.
I am laying in bed with leggs up and they are literally burning. I forgot to ask my Onc what he wants to do for the swelling. I put a call into him today, but didn't hear back. I am super pissed off and nearing my end of patience. I want to be better and not struggling to live anymore. I am super SUPER over this.

Bored out of my mind...

Today has been totally uneventful. Even my blood pressure is low because I am so relaxed. Its hard to say how I feel because I am not doing anything. My bathroom is about four steps from my bed, when I get back here I can feel my heart thumping. But other than that, that's the amount of movement I have. Maybe when D gets here for dinner, we can take a short stroll. My highlights are ordering food every four or five hours. I have had 3 meals here so far, and I must say I miss egg and toast, and all the variations of it I've come up with.
D came earlier for a few hours and is going to come back. I am so bored. I have a great view out my window. I could probably go home today, but am going to take my Onc's recommendation and stay the night. I feel guilty that I am not going to do my open house tomorrow, I found someone else to do it. I just have to let go and not worry about anything. I am still not "connected" to the fact that my heart has tons of water around it and that I am in the hospital.
My nose is totally raw inside and it hurts. It feels like I just had chemo the other day. I think its because my counts are low and my body can't heal itself right now. Which makes me want to get out of this sicko place sooner than later. I have bouts of feeling nauseous today.
The good news is that I think my nails may not fall off. Well just have to see. They all have a good amount of new growth and I am hoping that the parts that have come up from the nail bed just get pushed further to the end and I just clip it off and I get to keep the nail on. Oh! I am bored out of my mind. Just when I start feeling like I "need" to do something, guilt rushes over me that I am in here laying around, and then I have to check in with my heart and than I realize I need to just be and do nothing. MOre than anything that is why its good that I am here. I have a hard time sitting around doing nothing when I am home.

Announcement over loud speaker

Announcement over the loud speaker, “ Heather is Done with Chemo.” Finished. Forever, and ever, and ever. I got a call Monday night from my Oncologist around 9:30. Here I must call him out into the middle of the room and name him finally. I have hesitated in doing so, but I don’t necessarily see the harm in it. So, Dr. Henry Kaplan is the kind of guy that calls you at 9:00 pm, because he is still working. Still trying to get back to each and every patient he needs to, and to then once on the phone give them his undivided attention. I have not once felt rushed by him or gotten the sense that he’d rather be doing something else. In fact that is what he said when I guiltily answered the phone so late and I said, “ Wow. You’re still working?” And he said, “I don’t have anything else better to do.” If you think about it, and trust me the past few days I have been waking up at 2 am and then not sleeping anymore so I have had time to think a lot.
But to have nothing better to do than to conduct yourself with as much compassion, intensity, honesty, to be there 100% for each of your clients (he’s one of the top, if not the top Oncologist in this state~which equals lots and lots of patients) is in my book one hell of a way to give back. To give back to planet earth and make it a better place. What a blessing he has been, and will be, until he retires in 12 years.
Anyways, so the long awaited CT scan results. He said, “Having trouble breathing still?” And I went into my litany of complaints about my lungs. He said, “its because you have water in there. You’re done with chemo. Were going to call it quits and be done.” I then went into an elated shock and said stuff like, “forever. Done. Whoohoo!!.” He also said that he wanted to get a Bone Scan before I saw him this week, just to make sure nothing more sinister is happening. I thanked him, and got off the phone.
D and I just looked at each other gave each other high fives, (D hates high fives. But me being a super duper athlete loves them. They are at my core of being. There are times like these that he does them with such verve-well okay, not such verve, but he does them, and they are for me) yes, the high fives, and we spoke of the fact. I AM DONE WITH CHEMO. FOR FUCKING EVER!!! Never again. Done. In complete health.
Well sortof, complete health. I have water in my lungs. Dr. Kaplan said he wanted to see if it’d go away by itself in the next few weeks, if not he’d put me on a diuretic. I didn’t ask, because honestly I’m sick of med’s. But I think the reason he isn’t putting me on it right away is that my body is so taxed that any med just seems to tax whatever organ, in that case I’d think my kidneys. Who know’s. But I am done. And I am not experiencing the end of treatment hyperchondriac syndrome of thinking everything is wrong. There is something wrong with my lungs, and they’ll get better.
He said it’s just a side effect from the chemo, a rarer one, but it seems I’ve had a few of those during all this stuff. I explain it like this to the person that asks, “how is it?” I say, “ Its kind of like they try to see how close they can come to killing you. I guess that’s a good thing. So that it kills all the cancer. “ So kids, its time for recess, we are taking recess early. I guess recess isn’t a good word because there is doom and gloom attached to it for all of us, the foreboding of needing to go back to school after all the fun. And I just want to say now, that I have no intention whatsoever in not one morsel of my cellular being that I intend to go back and do any of this ever again. I am one hundred percent done. So, it’s a big long adult recess.
Earlier in the day on Monday I went and saw Dr. Heffernan my other favorite doctor. I was feeling really sick and like my soul had been sucked from me that day. I am not sure if its my lungs or what, but its simply hard to stand and hard to walk and its not even enough to use the “old” word of hard. Heather since she’s been through this seems to have to throw out my old definitions of what some words meant/mean to me. Hard like, it takes every ounce of me to stand for a few minutes or to walk from my car into a building and stand and wait for an elevator. I find myself bringing myself down into a squatting position and then needing to stand because its more painful to do that because my leg muscles can’t stretch that far anymore. Anyways, I made a joke with the Dr. when he finished sticking a needle in my tear ducts again, “Wow! What a profession. You got to have a lot of confidence to stick a needle in someone’s eye. Sure does take away any nausea by doing that.” Its true. My body goes into such a state of freak out that all systems are on hyper alter and buzzing with adrenaline. I HATE the procedure. He said he didn’t want to see me for a month, and that it looked like I was on track for 100% recovery!
So that was Monday. Phew. In that day, D and I moved all our stuff or should I say I pointed to have all our stuff packed up and then either moved into the moving truck or brought next door to our new 750 SQFT home. I love living in here. The 3400 SQFt home we’ve been in for us was ridiculous. Now, its simple. We have just what we need, nothing more (seriously) and I am happy as a peach!! Thrilled. The kitchen is just right behind me (I’m on the coach) and every other room is just a few steps here or there.
Today, well yesterday, I am writing this at 3 AM, was jammed packed with realty stuff. I got a new condo listing this week and it came on the market yesterday and there is always a long list of things to do. I even cleaned his carpets for him myself! I couldn’t sleep Monday night at all, and one of the reason’s was Dr. Kaplan’s whole, “you need to get a bone scan thing.” I should have known that if something questionable came up on the CT scan he would have said that to me. He didn’t. But I still had to call the office today, I mean yesterday, and ask them to ask him this. Because I was freaking out. I haven’t had a Bone scan yet, and frankly don’t want to. I am still recovering from the CT scan. The disgusting glow stick solution they make you drink is horrible. For the bone scan I have to go a whole two hours ahead of time and drink some god awful concoction and then wait an hour and a half so that I am totally glowing. Yippee. I have the TV on, just for sound and there are infomercials on one after the other.
So I am done with chemo. That means on my birthday, January 13th I get to have sushi. Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of sushi. My onc. said I had to wait two weeks until I eat it after my last chemo. It will be almost 14 days, 13…close enough! He said it is okay I took myself off those horrible antibiotics for my disgusting nails. I just have to say, that the whole stinky rotting nail thing is the most disgusting thing I’ve gone through thus far. They are horrible!!

2nd CT Scan

Ick. I feel oozy and just plain out of it right now. I had my scan this morning at 9 and then did a bunch of errands. All I could do was get them done so that I could be were I am now, in bed. I feel horribly icky. The liquid contrast that I had to drink was disgusting and for those of you that remember way back when, this is the scan that they put via a IV, but his time they just accessed my port, a contrast that starts at your head and works its way down to your toes a warm hot sensation.
I stopped taking the antibiotics today. I called my Onc. and left a message with the nurse for him. It doesn't make any sense for me to be taking it when I have 8 other nails that will be going through the same thing. I don't want to be taking antibiotics for a month or so while these nails decide to get infected. So, little miss doctor is taking herself right off of them. They were the hardest most disgusting antibiotics I have ever taken. Ick!!!
I don't feel good. I am sick of not feeling good. D and the rest of you are probably really sick of hearing me say how sick I am. But I am. I have really just a few more weeks of this. Wednesday is my last chemo, and then I its just feeling crappy until I am all better. I wonder when HEATHER gets to feel like HEATHER again?

15 down, 1 to GO

Today was another wonderful day. I jammed as much as I could in a few hours before I had to go to chemo. I wasn't looking forward to it at all, knowing full well that I will be ill for the next few days. The degree of illness is always a new adventure with each chemo. Last chemo, though I had three wonderful days, I was really really sick right after my session. Lets cross our fingers. The other thing that is never constant, and has no rhyme or reason are my blood counts. My friend Tamara asked me what does it mean to have low counts? Her question made me realize that I may not have explained this. Before each session I have to have my port accessed and they stick a huge freakin' needle into the middle of the port, which doesn't hurt at all. Once they've done that they draw blood and check for my White Blood Cell, Platletts,and another one. I forget right now. So far, all my cancellations have been due to my WBC's being too low. Although for the past month my Plateletts have been very low. Today they were really low, but not low enough to cancel.
Anyhoo, so the blood counts are off of that test. Today for some reason they were 4,800 which is good for right now. Last week they were 3,600. A normal person not going through chemo is around 7-10,000. When they cancel my sessions my counts have been in the low 2,000's.
So, I am done with chemo number 15, and only have one left. I am so excited. I have officially gained 29 pounds. I just stood on the scale, in sheer disbelief. It really did take me a few seconds for me to realize that that was right. I stood there getting my numbers wrong. I just can't believe it. I have been eating super good the past month, and not super good in a bad way. Super good in a egg and toast for breakfast, a sandwhich with a fruit for lunch, bake potato and veggie for dinner. Maybe some chicken, on a few days. But that's it. It must be tons of extra water in my body right now.
I haven't said this because I have been hoping and am still hoping that its just some weird infection that isn't causing phlegm in my lungs. But for exactly a month, when I lay on my side my lungs hurt. And I mean hurt. They hurt so bad that I have to cough and cough. It happens when I sleep, but mostly when I wake up in the morning. All the usual sicky things are not happening to me. Today, after four weeks of me telling my Onc this, and me not coming up with a cold, he ordered me to have a CT scan of my upper chest and abdomen. Last night they hurt so bad (I'm a side sleeper) that it woke me up over and over. He thinks its very strange and says that its almost zero percent that I'd develop cancer in my lungs while I am getting such high doses of chemo. Nevertheless, its a scary thing that is happening and on friday I am getting the scan. We'll see what's going on and at least I can sleep with painful lungs knowing that there isn't anything in there that is hurting them. Maybe its just a strange side effect from the chemo, or the sheer weight of 30 new pounds squishing my little lungs. Which seems to be the culprit, I bet!

Little Hopes

I have decided from the get go of this whole cancer thing to not dwell on future possibilities and to be in the present moment as much as possible. And more than any other time in my life I have been able to do this. This practice allows the possibilities to come through the thought process, acknowledge them and then let them go. One of those things is, Will I loose my fingernails? In this place of non-dwelling there is hope. Hope of coarse that whatever the random fear is, won't happen. Out of my 10 fingernails, only two have not turned black and blue and disgusting looking. Luckily all of them have stopped being numb and absolutely painful at the same time. But this morning one of the two that wasn't black and blue was numb and tonight it came right up off the nail bed. Not painful at all, although I didn't tug on it. It is still connected to the cuticle area, so I know have it securely wrapped with a bandage.
In the time that I realized indeed another one of those fears has manifested, I had to get sad. It is so disappointing and a bit crushing to my spirit to have my body that I cared for so tenderly for so many years literally falling apart. I feel the sadness for my fingernails in my solar plexus for some reason. Its a bit heavy there right now. Chemo got moved from my traditional afternoon appointment time to the morning, 9 am tomorrow. I agreed, and now wish I didn't. I would've like those extra five feel good hours. Christmas is going to be absolutely uneventful. I was going to cook a traditional Norwegian meal, but its just too much this year. I am exhausted and were going to rest. I feel really emotional that I have chemo tomorrow and that it's snowy and Christmas and I feel that this holiday is just breezing past us. I feel the spirit of Christmas, I've been singing all my favorite carols and such. It's just totally different this year. I can't put my finger on it other than it feels like Heather is gone some where else.
I ran into my yoga teacher today as I sat up at my real estate office for a bit this afternoon. I've known her since I was 17, so that's 16 years later. It was nice to see her today. She said oh, your such a Pitta and the chemo is so Pitta. Well, yes. I am, and it is, and maybe that is why its so incredibly difficult for me. But really, who is chemo not difficult on. Soon, soon, it will be all done. s

Weeping Eyes

I went to the eye doctor today. He said that everything is fine, he thinks. He flushed my tear ducts with a huge freakin' needle. The way you do this is the doctor puts in numbing eye drops (but you still can feel, maybe its just the pressure I felt) and with a huge needle when you're wide awake he sticks it into your lower tear duct and flushes some kind of fluid in there. It clears open the duct and drains to the back of your throat/nose. D was in the room with us just talking away and I was in such a panic telling myself, don't move, don't move, just breathe. Luckily the doctor asked him to stop talking while he was doing this. I couldn't talk and before I knew it it was all over.
He is one of the nicest doctors I get to work with through all this cancer stuff. His appointment today burst my heart open again with hope and I am no longer worried that my life is going to be full of tissue and tears. If you think about it, it is one thing to have an emotional upset in your home. But if you are bald, and walking down the street dabbing your eyes, it looks like you're crying when you're not.
So, I am thrilled that the doc thinks everything will be fine. He said that the next few weeks we just need to keep the ducts open while doing the chemo. And then about six months after treatment my eyes should be back to normal.
I am feeling really good today. Not sick to my stomach at all. Here is a link to a picture so you can check out the anatomy of the eye.
http://www.goldblumeye.com/Web%20Pages/NLDO.HTM

Still sick

I have had a fever all weekend long. This morning I woke up and barely got dressed. It had snowed outside and I really wanted to walk up to the bakery and drink hot cocoa. D didn't think we should go, but I really wanted to get out of bed, out of the house, and celebrate the winter wonderland. We have a few big hills to walk up to get up to the bakery and I just couldn't do it. I got almost there and had to sit in a squatting position for a few minutes and couldn't stand back up without feeling like I was going to get sick and faint. D was pissed at me because I pushed myself too hard. And I was pissed that I just couldn't get to the bakery. I am so sick of laying around and I really really wanted to be with other people and watch them enjoying the winter day.
So, back we went home and I've been in bed with a fever off and on all day. I guess I must be trying to fight some kind of bug off since the fever has lasted for so many days. I will call my Oncologist tomorrow and just let the nurses know I've been sick all weekend.

Winter break

It sure has been nice having a break. This break, unlike last time doesn't feel like a break though. For some reason, maybe my body thinks it had chemo, but I feel like I have those same flu like symptoms. I feel 75% like Heather. Because I had eye surgery I can't do any strenuous activities. I sortof wish I could go for a run. But then again, I don't feel well. The flu is going around, but I am not throwing up nor do I have a fever. D thinks it just that my blood counts are low.
Thanksgiving was great. My mother in law, Brianna came and we cooked all day. I made three pies, cranberries, stuffing, and the turkey. She made her famous sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, and we together tackled the gravy. Which wasn't a hit this year, D thought Brianna and I didn't like it either so he threw it out. I am still in disbelief and whenever we eat left overs, I say ,"I wish I had the gravy." He threw out turkey day gravy!!
My body feels an over all exhaustion at this point. My muscles all are sore and tired, as if I exercised all day long the day before. My fingers are still very achy and if I extend my fingers out, they hurt like the nail beds are being lifted off. So my fingers are in a constant curl. I cannot take off my socks without a lot of pain. My taste buds are gone. And I have sores in my throat and nose still. I am listing all these symptoms because I am hoping for a break from one of them during this winter break. Its already Saturday, so my hoping is getting less and less.
I am now set, unless there is another set back, to be done on New Years eve. When you're all out whooping it up, I am going to be getting chemo. And I will be whooping it up that I am done with this leg of the journey. I am nervous about radiation. A few women I have talked to say that it was the hardest part of the treatment for them. But that was for them and maybe it will be easy for me. Regardless, even if its the hardest part, I will only have six weeks, every day of it, but still only six weeks, and I can count each day down.

Tear Ducts and Nails

This is going to be a gripe session. I am going to start off on the lessor of evils. My nails. They hurt. Each session they get darker and darker and the cuticles get more and more swollen and I am hoping that they can hang in there and not fall out. It sucks, and it hurts and I am getting sick of it.
The other crazy thing is that my eyes have been tearing constantly for about a couple of weeks. Luckily I mentioned this to my Onc and luckily he knows that this is not a good thing, and luckily he referred me to a eye specialist. I saw him today, and indeed my particular chemo, Taxotere that I am on causes a weird thing in the tear ducts. For some reason it accumilates in the tear ducts more than anywhere else in the body and causes an inflammation in the tear ducts (no wonder my eyes have been hurting and burning~the chemo is in my tears). Left untreated, it would cause scar tissue that would form on the tear ducts, and I'd have to get tear duct replacement surgery, a glass tear duct. But, luckily all the luckies that were mentioned above happened, and I have tear duct surgery on Nov. 25 to open the tear ducts wider so that the tears can get through them.
I am sick of feeling gross. My stomach always hurts, kindof like having the flu but with a little pain that goes all the way up to my mouth. My throat hurts because I have a sores in it, and my mouth feels like there is cotton stuffed into it and my tonuge is almost entirely numb now. I get bloody noses constantly and I am really really sick of this.
Water used to taste like poison, now it just doesn't have any taste, except it hurts to swollow cold water because of the sore in my throat. It hurts to type today because of my fingers. Luckily the two tastes that have a faint taste still are savvory and sweet.
With the lack of taste you'd think I wouldn't be that excited about Thanksgiving. But I am. My mother in law, Brianna is coming, as she always does to our house and we all pig out for a couple of days. I am really excited. I was going to try to cook on Tuesday the 25th and the morning of the 26th before chemo. But now, I have that surgery and so, I think we'll just be cooking all day on turkey day.
I hope I feel good on thursday, turkey day so that we can make a really yummy feast.

Egg nog

Yesterday, as I was on the ferry going home, I got really sick. It felt like I had a fever with chills and body aches. I layed in bed from 3 until I fell asleep. I called my Dad and my sister and had a big cry. Its been a while. I did have a fever and I felt horrible. I had egg nog earlier in the day and was worried that I had gotten sick from the raw eggs. But this morning I feel fine, actually totally fine and am going to do a massage this afternoon. I've been laying in bed this morning, watching murderous shows. I am scared out of my mind right now. I am going to go rake some leaves for a bit to get a little exercise.

Pumkin pies and Fall

Fall is my favorite season by far. The past few days my friend Gen has been here from Toronto. Its been great having a friend around to make pies with and take really long walks with. But mainly just to talk. When I lived on Vashon I used to make pies almost everyday. There was a year there that I was learning how to make crusts and I'd make a pie a day and give it away. There are just so many pies you can personally eat without gaining weight. Gen's been making a lot of pies lately and she definetly has mastered the art of a pie crust. Flaky, moist, buttery...mmmm good. We took about a 5 or 6 mile walk and I felt awesome. That walk was Tuesday. My sore throat and nose are almost healed.

Yesterday she came with me to chemo, and gave D a break. My counts had almost doubled and so I now to get to that I have nine, count that 9 more chemo's left. I can't wait to be done. I am looking forward to the rains and taking have an excuse of weather to take life easy and eat lots of soup. It will be a good feeling to be done with my treatments at the beginning of Spring when things start to grow. I wonder if the frogs will start their chorus of songs on Vashon in unison with my celebrations of being done with all this.

I am feeling good today so far. I just can't sleep because of those darn steroids.

Sores

I am not a doctor, but this whole thing make me think I know just enough to make me lethal to myself. Haha. But seriously, I think that I don't have a sore throat from a cold but from a real life sore. It hasn't gotten better in over two weeks, and has even gotten worse. Drinking water (still tastes like poison) absolutely brings a grimace to my face. It hurts so bad. My doctor said I don't have an infection in my sinus and that its just a sore caused my the chemo. So..that made me think today after I could barely swollow water and thought, hey! Maybe its a sore. It hurts to breath because the sore in my throat gets aggravated. So...maybe I have a cold because my counts are too low or maybe I have a real life sore because my counts are too low and the chemo is attacking my mucusy areas. Oh! fun. I just hope that it heals this week now that I have a week off.