Time to start living

Survivors ahead of me on the road to recovery said over and over to me, "There will come a day when you do not think of cancer." That was hard to believe. Hard to imagine. I can happily say, with tears streaming down my face, that that day has almost come. So much to say. I moved, and have been overwhelmed with busy life things to get internet at my place. And processing at my office is not the thing to do.
where to start. I'm going to go back a few weeks to my counseling session. I must again state here, how important seeing a cancer specialist therapist has been to my recovery.
I was in there telling her how overwhelmed I was. Telling her all my "USED" to be stuff. I used to be a good multi-tasker. An unbelievable one. I still do more than the most person in a day, but in doing that I have huge anxiety, huge sense of non-well-being, and just not coping well. She said to me, as light bulb went off in my head, "Heather, when you got diagnosed everything became structured around doctors appointments, and chemo, and radiation, ect." Suddenly, the dam broke and I just started to cry.
That was it. I had, with a goddamit HAD to stop everything. I had to say goodbye to my life and stop living it...so that I could get a chance to LIVE again. Wow. It is time to start living again. To stop going through the steps, but actually living. Making plans. I have been making plans. But those plans were sprawled across my mind, and had no connection to my heart. I realized with great JOY, as I grabbed her notebook and pen out of her hands, I NEEDED TO START MAKING MY SCHEDULE!!
I realized that I was safe to do so. I can ease into life. I can wake up, drink my tea, day dream about anything (which is NOT cancer related anymore), get dressed, go work out, go into my office, go do massages, go back to my office, take a walk, eat nourishing food, and go to sleep.
I spent the summer just being a crazed extrovert with no direction at all. This winter, I am sinking into my life again. Actually, just the past couple of weeks. And you know what? The anxiety is gone. I am much more relaxed. Realizing at the sametime, that I still have a ways to go with feeling safe and mentally sound.
That was huge.
The other huge thing, is that I have commited and have started training the last couple of months for the Big Sur Marathon, April 25th. I had decided I wanted to run one, and then I ran into my friend Bridget. She had run this one, and loved it. I looked it up, and smiled instantly when I saw the date. Exactly a year after I compeleted my treatment, I will be kicking cancer in the ass with a marathon. In one of my top three favorite places in the world.
As I train, I visualize crossing the finish line, and breaking my hand made pink ribbon that my sister and one of my best friends Gen will be holding. I started out thinking the ribbon will read, "Fuck Cancer." But then, that is not really me, and have been thinking more on the lines of, "I beat breast cancer". That is not it, still thinking. You all may suggest a one liner for this ribbon for me!! At the end of the day, its going to be a total reclammation of my body, and saying to myself, If I can get through cancer treatment, I can finish a marathon, and I will do it. I am on week 5 of Hal Higgdon's novice plan, and am absolutely loving feeling my body getting stronger and stronger every week. Last Saturday was my big run of 9 miles, and I finished. Slow but I finished, in an hour and 49 mintues. This Saturday is a 10 miler. I am training twice a week with a personal trainer, and feeling very strong. This is helping to decrease my anxiety as well. And very happy to say, my hot flashes, have all but vanished. Except last night, I woke to wet blankets, a major night sweat.

I am doing well. I am healing still. I am learning how to simply live, so that I can integrate all my new learned lessons of self. I am being gentle with myself, and only surrounding myself with positive people. I was in such need during my treatment, that I took help from anyone, now its time to move back to pure joy and light again.

I am becoming whole. I made my next three month appointment during yesterdays couseling session. I kept putting it off, and needed my hand held during the phone call. Its for February 3rd. I will let the scared feelings wait for that day and the next, until I get my tumor markers told to me over the phone. That news and bad feelings can wait for those days. Today, is a day of light and joy, and kicking ass!

Contemplating Sources

I have enjoyed the soul searching of various forms of therapy since I was five. I love looking at myself, in deep ways. I highly suggest for you Survivors out there, to find a top notch Cancer specializing therapist. I find Janet Abrams is a huge source for me. She understands all the medications, all the emotional ups and downs, the fear, the joy, she can hear everything I say, and get it.
What I talked to her about last time is the walking on eggshells around myself that I have been feeling. How I find myself unable to cope with multi-tasking and dealing with life all at the same time since I got cancer. My plate feels full, and I long to be back in the game of life. Don't get me wrong, before cancer, my Dad said regularly to me, "There is no need to stress over it Heather, stressing over it will not change the outcome." Wise words, that I knew would sink in later in life. Like a lot later. Like, as an old lady...a lady in my 60's. A wink, and a hug to those of you at this glorious age ( I now wish, and hope I make it to that age).
So, I got cancer. And lived in the present moment, and got finally what my Dad said. I had to know live my life like that. Do not stress over anything. What will be, will be. I am not a God believer. So, to me, trusting that God will would be done. And even if I was a believer in The One Way, I would not believe God's will would be to have my immune system, that dreaded day be overtaken by cancer.
Okay...so where was I? Oh, yes...back in the present moment. So, here I am presently filled with the now known understanding and fully integrated new way of living of living in the present and taking life as it may. And find myself struggling over how to be done with cancer, how to get a divorce and move gracefully through it, how to be single, how to buy a car, how to do it all on my own, how to run a successful real estate business, and how to run a successful massage practice. There is a lot of juggling that takes place. My massage practice is in peoples homes. So I drive around all day, and in between appointments I am seeing my real estate clients, and or talking to them on the phone. Real estate on its on is incredibly stress provoking. And then I find myself working until 10 or 11 at night again, and look at myself and say, "Now Heather, this is not taking care of yourself." I get that, really I do now.
Besides cancer, besides my health, I am still Heather. And Heather, loves to work. Heather, loves to work and be busy, and I love everyone so much. What more is there than a life of service. Well, that is until I get to be a Mom, and serve them (a blessed day indeed).
I'm straying again. In therapy I looked at my stress and why is it, that when I see a simple text message or get a call, or hear my sister mention something, or how at any moment I find myself not being able to deal? I literally, have freak out inside, and start the process of calming myself back down. ( I have learned how to do this, at least).
I kept picking up my phone during the therapy session, unbeknownst to me, whenever I said the word, STRESS. And finally, I said Why is it that I keep picking this thing up? And then, I had my Ahhh-Hhhaaaa moment. My mind went back to that day, to that phone call. To those words.
Heather, you do have cancer. You need to come down here right now.
Oh, right. And then, I had everything go wrong, and then more during my treatment.
All the worst case scenarios were MY LIFE. For the first time in my life.
I have grown, in the past year and a half, to expect the worst. That the worst case scenario is what very well may happen, and I have been living with that. I have been living on Eggshells since June 2, 2008. That is along time.
Oh. Right. That is the root.
Now that I recognize this, I can heal it.

Teenage Love

I finally gave in and started reading the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer. Life has come to a halt, and I can do nothing but read them. I feel like a teenager in Love again. Teen angst. I love it. I am devouring it. And I find myself walking around the house to D, saying "Bloodsuckers, come and make me immortal!!" Oh, I want to be bitten and live the life of a vampire too! I love the books so much, to my utter surprise, that I could wear a Twilight, bloodsucker wanna be T-shirt even. Its a hysterical, escape.

I am feeling much better today. I honestly for a few days there was an emotional wreck. Absolutely overwhelmed. I think my body is trying really hard to bleed right now, and the hormones are running rampant! The hot flashes have diminished and well..maybe its just be hoping? Who knows?? But I think I might be on to something.

Anyhoo, I am feeling "normal" again, and do not have tears streaming down my face. Not that I was uncontrollable, and crying out in public like I was a few months ago. I was just uncontrollable in my home. I only have two more radiations left. Going through the motions and then..wowzers! What to do? How to feel? What to think? What to say? How to feel? The whole thing. I am looking forward to a house sitting gig that starts the same day on the 29th of this month that my dear friend Angela is flying in. She'll be here for almost a week, and I am really excited to see her. Its perfect timing!!

Vashon, good friend, girl time, healing time, massage trades all day (she's a massage therapist too-well, she's almost done w/ accupuncture school as well), good food, talking, hand holding, walks, walks on the beach, dancing, what else is there she said! Its so true. Can't wait!!

Not sleeping

I have slept maybe a total of 30 minutes tonight. I have been on lots of steroids and with the pain I have been in, I am wide awake. At 2:30 they finally dosed me with lot of IB proferuen. THey think the cathader is poking my heart or somewhere in there and causing me pain. Its hard to tell whats going on with your guts. I would have never thought I had as much water in my lung as I have, and I honestly would have not imagined any water around my heart. So, I am wide awake getting OBAMAED up.
I called Gen, since she is 3 hours ahead. The IBproferuen helped take the low grade pain to the curb so now I am just up on steroids. I'd have them give me a sleeping pill, but once I realized what was happening to me, it is now the time for everyone to start making their rounds. So I just ordered a small breakfast and maybe that will help me get sleepy.
I am hoping they pull the liquid off my left lung today. Since they keep saying both lungs have about the same amount, and now that I know how much was in the right side. I want the left side tapped so that it can heal quicker. But I don't know the protocol with doing both and the heart within a few days of one another.
I can feel my body besides all this doing better. My blood counts are getting higher and that makes me happy. Soon, this will be a distant memory all you Survivors say. I can't wait. Yesterday I had a few dear friends stop by. Margie, Lea, Sarah, George, and D stopped by after work. They kept me company and helped talk me into a nice sleep. It reminded me of when I first was on AC and Gen was in town taking care of me. I'd have her just talk, and talk she would. She would tell me every story and thought under the sun until I fell asleep.
I'll write more later in the day. Once whatever is going to happen happens. I doubt I will go home today because I still cannot stand up and walk a few steps to the bathroom, use it and walk back, lay down without being in such pain that I need fentanyl. So well see..

Someone's stepping on the hose

Okay. For all you mom's out there. I am back in room 705, at Swedish. I got in touch with my Onc and he had me check myself into the ER. He said that the cardiologist and the on-call Onc would meet me here. One of the messages of this post is that miscommunication happens, and you must be on your tippee toes to be your own advocate, constantly. Because ER doc wanted to give me, himself, alone the diuretic..Which 4 doc's have been debating for an entire week. The reason being is this..Hold on it gets deep...
Okay. Here's the deal. There are two water problems in my body right now and they are related. One being that my whole body is swollen with fluid. The way a body typically gets rid of this fluid is that it gets into your blood vessels and gets pumped through, by your heart, and eventually your kidneys pee it out. Here comes the second water problem. Which is, there is a pocket of water around my hear that is squeezing it. Which makes my heart beat as fast as if I was running. Which is insane. So..its working hard enough doing its thing, (very healthfully i will add) but it can't handle anything more. Like getting rid of my the water in my body. Which has caused a literal backup in my body. Its a vicious cycle.
So the problem with diuretics is two things. THe first thing is that it works on the first fluid problem, the fluid in my legs and everywhere else. Not the fluid around my heart and lungs, which by the way is worse now than last week, says the x-rays and another eccho tonight. The second problem with diuretics is that it lowers the amount of water in my vessels which means that squeezing around my heart would be allowed to squeeze my heart even more. Which would cause low blood pressure. And this would be dangerous.
So...they have now decided to do the heart tap, so that hopefully the vicious back-up problem can be fixed. I of coarse have feelings about this. But that is tomorrow or the next day.

My friend Tamara came and met me at the ER because I was very scared and sad and scared some more. I will write more later. I don't know how this is all going to work out. I am sure I won't die from getting my heart punctured. But just in case, I want to let those of you that know me, know that I love you all. And I have lived a wonder-filled life. And I do not regret anything. I have LIVED! I am just saying this, not to be melodramatic, but because often people hide and don't share how they really feel. So there you go!

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I am going through my blog, as I write my book years later. February 1, 2012 to be exact. This is the one post that I must change..

Now, I no longer am protecting D. To go back to the phone call my Doc and I had. The one he told me to go to the ER. Well, I was in such debilitating pain, that that night I had a CT scan because they were all afraid I was having a heart attack. I thought I was as well. That is how badly I hurt. Do you know what D said when I said, We have to go to the ER? Sorry, I can't go. I need a break. I am not going to cancel my dinner plans with my friend and we are going to see a show. I can come see you tomorrow. Fuck him. I was so incredibly hurt by this. I was his wife at this point. But a wife that was starting to see the man I had chosen for myself. I was the type of woman that did everything around the house, even during treatment. I still tried grocery shopping, even if I had to ask someone at the grocery to push my cart through the isles. This sucked, and hurt, and tore a huge irreparable whole in my heart allowing me to see that the marriage I'd signed up for, was always, going to be about him.

Where did the weekend go?

I can't believe its already Sunday night. I had a blast this weekend. In fact, I can't remember a weekend that I had this much fun. Today I met my friend Sarah (long time friend from Vashon) and we walked all around the Arboretum. For those of you that don't live in Seattle, it is one of the most beautiful parks here in the city. WIth the fall leaves at their peak I had sensory overload. She reminded me to put myself first and again, I was reminded of the foremost lesson that "cancer" is/has taught me. I need to put Heather first.
Why is it that woman tend to think of their mates/children first, putting off their needs and desires for the greater good. When the greater good often gets neglected in return. I had a great weekend because I put Heather first all weekend, as I have been doing on a much smaller scale since I got diagnosed.
I miss living on Vashon. When I am out there my community is around me at every turn in the road. Literally, it is. I get to say Hello to the folks crossing in the streets. I miss that to the core of my spirit. Taking walks out there I can hear, actually hear the rustle of the leaves and the distant eagle chirping. These are sounds in the city that get eaten up by the roar and vibrant beat of all the people.

I spent all day yesterday out on the island. I had lunch and dinner with friends and in between took a long long walk all by myself. This used to be a daily routine. I can't wait to live out there again. Life is just simpler out there.

Lots of food

This past month we've had people bringing food twice a week and it has really helped. Its such a big deal to except this gesture to me. The fact that we need help right now and that this is the most nurturing form of help we get. Simply not having to deal with figuring what to cook but to just go to the fridge and and grab dinner is a blessing. So thank you to all you angels that have been helping us.
I have fleeting worries that the cancer will come back. I guess this is normal. Today it happened. I was standing at the kitchen sink gazing out at the back yard and noticing all the fall color. And the terror of the thought that what if it comes back. I hate all the stats that say 5 or 10 years after treatment the person is still cancer free. Well, I am only 33 and 5 or 10 years is nothing. I wouldn't even be 50 by then. I have to admit that I am freaked out about it. Not that I am dwelling just that I have to acknowledge the possibility. Its kindof like those of you that have been in a bad car accident and as your the passenger in the car the driver makes you scared for your life. You've been through a horrible experience and your body is warning you of danger. Not impending danger, just danger. This is how it feels. My body is scared to go through this again. Not that I feel that I will have to, but I am scared. And honestly, I still cannot believe that that little bump in my boob was a tumor.

Choices

Today, D and I went to our friends child's first birthday party. It was a lot of fun. Everyone there had kids and I couldn't help but notice. The days of being in this situation and having it absolutely KILL me are long gone. Today I just got to notice it and thank god that I am not a mom with breast cancer. I did have fleeting moments of being pissed that I have cancer and that I am dealing with this. I wish I could have chimed in with the other mom's bitching that I haven't slept and how hard being a parent is. Instead, I got to sit back and reflect on how much I will cherish those anguished moments. Life is forever changed and being forced my nature to step my child bearing years aside is yet another lesson I get to learn right now.
As I was at the party I also got to reflect on choices and how we each get to make them all day everyday. I get to decide each day how I am going to react to things and wether or not I am going to empowered or be victimized. I of coarse, having a mother that taught the victim thing very well now how that choice isn't me. You can see the victimized a mile away. The whoa is me, people. I mean people, wake up. Live YOUR life. Dare to ask for what you deserve. Dare to believe that you are the magician in your life. Dare to trust that people are there. Cancer has really taught me this even more. I mean, I have had to dare to ask people for a helping hand. To ask for meals to be delivered the Mondays after chemo. The hard part after asking, is RECEIVING. That is hard and for most woman even harder. So, today these are the little (big) lessons I get to reflect on and cherish. When I am all better, this Heather is going to be a stronger Heather. I will not sit back and take no for an answer with the things in my heart that are dear to me. If no is the answer, then I need to move on and make it so that Yes is my answer. Yes, because life is too short to be wasting time on brick walls. Life is too precious.

Friends

Yesterday was a fun day to look forward to. Three of my old-time clients came over from Vashon to visit me. We went up to the notorious Bakery Nouveau and we had a little feast. Or should I say, I did and they had a nice lunch. I tried convincing them to splurge and eat up but they didn't take my suggestion! I wanted company in my pig out. This morning I asked D what he wanted for breakfast and he said, " I am full from the last three days, ah.. a bowl of yogurt and fruit." I had to check in with my stomach and the usual starved first thing in the morning wasn't happening. I guess I am finally satiated and so we had a small breakfast. I am going to Bumbershoot today and I got to go get dressed. Fun, fun, fun..

Chemo Guns

I am glad that now, a few hours ago, yesterday is over. Yesterday sucked. I hit a wall and really was done with doing chemo. I didn't/don't want to do it anymore and after a little BBQ last night D and I took a walk around the block. I told him that I really didn't want to do it anymore. I just want to stop doing chemo. I feel like its killing me and killing my spirit, and killing any future I may have. I told him that this wasn't worth "hoping" albeit that hope is an 85% chance, of being cured. I told him, that I am past it now, but these were the very real thoughts I had grappled with all day. Maybe I could/can cure myself in some alternative way.

Don't worry, this was just a passing thought. A passing thought that consumed all of yesterday but it passed. I am going to stick to the chemo guns and hopefully I will get through this. Hopefully my kidneys, my heart, my freakin' mind, my little veins, my blood, my liver, my stomach, hopefully we all get through this unmarked. But doing chemo is horrible. There is absolutely nothing nice or enjoyable about it. And I am not going to lie so that anyone feels okay reading this, or so that you don't feel uncomfortable. I am totally freaked out and feel horrible. When I run into people the past few days, that is what I say. I am not going to try to be anyone's chemo hero and act like its a breeze, because it isn't.

So, its 2:30ish in the morning, I can't sleep because I am full of anxiety and the anxiety woke me up. As I slept, I started thinking about Clinton's speech last night and our future as Americans. This lead to my future and before I knew it there was no way I could lay in bed any longer because I was full of butterfly's. The mind I used to have is long gone. I used to have great control over it but now its a wild caboose heading down a mountain. It gets off track so very easily and I understand more how my Nana used to wake up in the middle of the night worrying about us kids. My mind has developed into an entity all its own and the drugs I am on doesn't really help. I know, mediation would help and I probably should give it a try. But honestly, just doing a bit of yoga a day is huge for me. I don't want to quiet myself and relax into my body. I am so sickened and saddened by what I am doing to my poor body, that I don't want to get "closer" to these facts. I would like to just try to numb my way through this.

What if I am doing irreversible damage to myself? Is all this really worth it then? How many more years will I really get to live because I've done this chemo shit? These are questions that hang out in my mind and in my quiet bones that woke me this morning. I have to have faith in the chemo gods and hope that this is worth it. Otherwise I will talk myself out of doing it. What also helps me is remembering that little kids go through this and they make it, and so can I.

Painter's Tape

Last night I was laying in bed and telling D how much my stubble hurts my head. Not hurt as in cellulitis hurt, but like when someone rakes their stubble across your tender little face, or for guys maybe when your gal doesn't shave her legs. My hair has limply been hanging on just by its follicles this past week. My friend Nic told me yesterday that she thought the reason it was bothering me was that the hair is out of the follicle and poking the nerve endings. That makes sense to me.
Needless to say, I've been fantasizing about shaving my head or getting it waxed. I've even thought of using Duct tape to pull it out. Shaving and waxing I am scared to do because they both pull the first layer of skin off, and I don't want an infection. So, like I was saying, last night I was laying in bed and told D how uncomfortable it is to lay my head against a pillow. He said, "Why don't you use duct tape." That is all I needed.
Never in my life would I EVER have thought that I would find myself in the bathroom with my husband pulling my hair off my head (now that is not out, it is off because its literally just hanging in there for dear life at this moment), with blue painter's tape. Yes, we pulled it off like you'd do to an old sweater with all its little annoying balls of pitted yard. The tape worked! I now look like a dog with severe mange. I have bald spots all over and at this moment can feel the air's circulation through my house against my head more than I could yesterday. Any ideas on how to get the rest out??

Simple Things

I didn't sleep again last night. I am full of anxiety and worries. This is getting annoying. I am a big sleeper. Like big, in that if I don't get at least 8-10 hours of sleep, now this was pre-cancer, I would get flu like symptoms. This has been how my body has been my entire life. Now, I get about 3-6 hours of sleep. Last night, I fell asleep around 11 and woke up at 4. I just didn't feel good. Hard to explain other than my body didn't feel right. I went downstairs and just sat looking at my newly remodeled kitchen and just sat and looked at how beautiful it is. I got bored doing that after a half hour or so, so I started cleaning. I mopped all the floors in the house and ate two bowels of yogurt. I fell back to sleep for a few hours and woke up feeling great.
D reminded me this morning that for the past three days, I've said, "I finally feel back to normal." I tried explaining, but soon realized that I am simply up against my competitive nature. I'll explain in a bit.
So, I woke up and went grocery shopping. Yippee! Fun, fun, fun. Its is the small things in life that make me happy now. I mean, I can drive, and feel like I will get there safely now! That is a big accomplishment. I drove to get our mail, and went to PCC. I had our 2 ten gallon jugs of H2O to fill. By the time I wove that cart around through the aisles with those jugs full, I could barely walk out to the car. Normally I would be embaressed that I had to ask for help, but today I simply didn't care. They got me out of there, and I could barely walk up the stairs. We have a lot of them. I can't wait till the garage is all done, and then I can just park in the back and walk right into the house. Anyways, so I layed in bed resting for about an hour and just went downstairs and made lunch for D and I. I feel a bit lucid and a bit foggy, but I put on my shoes to mow the lawn next door. I am very independent and because of this it was hard to listen to D. But he nicely put his foot down and said that he wasn't going to let me do that. Damn it! I reluctantly agreed with him that I keep getting bouts of energy and then I do something that wipes me out. He asked me to take one more day to just lay around and watch TV. Okay, so I am in bed now watching Ellen Degenres, and laughing. I am going to wait another day to start doing massages.

Got my mind back

Today was a good day finally. I must say, that yesterday was not day 6, it was day 5. Today was day 6. I am counting the days this way because I am getting my treatments in the early evening.
I met a new friend today, she is a BC survivor of four years now. She came and picked me up, and we went up to the bakery. It was so good to get out of the house, and talk with someone. My brain wasn't working that great in the morning and she understood. In fact, she understood everything I was feeling and thinking. I was able to share with her fears of mine. One fear, was that I wouldn't ever "feel" normal during any of this, so for four months. I am very in tune with my body and because of this I can really feel all the drugs in my system. When I was talking to her about this, my oncology nurse called. I talked to the nurse about my fear and that I still didn't feel safe driving a car. My motor skills didn't feel like they had kicked in yet. My new friend, Sandi said that I probably won't feel "normal" during this entire treatment. I realize that I just have to surrender to that.
After about an hour of visiting, I got extremely tired and had to go home. I slept for a few hours and woke up to a clear head. I felt so good, that I booked a massage to do this evening (I just did it and feel okay). I knew I could do the massage, I just wasn't sure if I could drive there. I feel high, or drugged, up until this afternoon. So, to my surprise, I woke up feeling good and just did the massage. I need to do massages as much as I can right now because it is a meditation for me and it helps me to not think about having cancer for an hour. Plus, I love my clients and i love what I do, so that makes all the difference in the world.

As you can probably tell, I am still not writing up to the way that I like to. I am in bed now, not feeling that great. I may take a nausea medicine here in a bit.

Quick before I change!

I am wide awake. Full of various chemo anxietities and a new burning sensation, heart burn! I thought I'd write know, just in case in the morning I feel like crap again. I think I feel like Heather, at least I do right now. The waves are intense. The pain is horrible. I am not wanting to mince words and i am sure you're all glad I am not. It hurts down to my core. Last night I asked G, if she could feel me shaking. She wrapped her arms around my stomach and said, No. But then I placed her hands on my leg and then she could feel it. It is like the booster shot, is taking grab of my femur, tibia, and ulna bones and just shaking them. The shake goes up into my stomach were it circles around my sacrum and radiates out and around my hip bones. Incredible uncomfortable. For the Julie, that commented the other day, child birth is a breeze after chemo, thank you for saying that. I can, and will get through this.
Yesterday, I had a bit of a cry with G and D outside, on our new beautiful patio. I just cried and cried. Not so much Why me? But How Me? What could I have done differently? Why not a coach potatoe? Why not, okay, yes, there was some Why Me, mixed in there. I just don't want to be spending my summer doing this. Treatment for six months, it is so wrong. Soooo, I cried, they listened, and they pulled me out of the mud and gave me a pep talk, both of them. One would let me get down, the other would pick me up, and then they would change. Tomorrow D, is heading up north to get all of our staging furniture for the house. His Dad, Roger and brother Kale will help him move all the stuff down here, and then spend the day setting up the house! Thanks you guys!! We wouldn't be able to have gotten this all together if it wasn't for you.
I will have two babysitters. I cannot be left alone yet. My day yesterday, but mainly my brain is simply not working. Or at least it wasn't about 3 hours ago. Now, 1 am, here you are and my brain is working and there is a hunger that is unquenchable. The steroids they give you for anti-nausea are, "Eat NOW!! You ARE HUNGRY!! ORR...Your Going TO VOMIT." So, I eat. Usually the egg and toast, with Wildwood Aioli sauce, but right now I am sipping on some very bland, delicious I might ad, veggie soup. All the veggies are from my friend Dave's Organic farm, in Eugene. The difference between fresh produce and store bought is huge!!
So, in a few hours my friend, Maryam from work, is coming over to watch me in the morning, as G has to leave back to Toronto. And then my other Tamara, is coming from 12-5. Then my old time friend Ann Leda an Acupuncturist is making a house call to me to give me a very needed treatment. The other day, my also very old friend Lyn Solander, gave me a massage I think the day before Chemo. It is all a blur now, as I am a wreck. A very tired wreck. If I go back into bed, I will just lay there, tossing and turning and THINKING! This sucks. Off to check email. Read the paper. Who knows. Hopefully I'll be a easy baby to watch tomorrow guys. I am not getting that much sleep, about three hours worth. Maybe I'll just sleep right through.

Vashon Island

D and I went over to Vashon Island today for the annual Strawberry Festival, and it felt good to open my heart and be comforted by my community out there.  My heart has been in the dumps lately.  As the precipice of chemo is soon to start, it is hard to not be scared and sad.  I have been on the edge of  a huge cliff, knowing that in a few weeks I will have to blindly jump and hope that I land on the ground with my two feet intact.  I've been thinking how bizarre it is that I have had one body my whole life and now I am going to put hard core toxic chemicals into my body.  I may very well not have the same capacity when I am finished.  My hands and feet could be numb. Shit, who knows how many side effects I will actually develop, if any at all.

Today was a fertility appointment in the morning.  I found out my estrogen levels are now 1003.  On Monday they were less than 100.  If that gives you any idea how emotional I have been.  Today, I cried as the vintage cars passed by. I couldn't help myself.  I thought about all the owners of those cars and how life passes by and stuff remains.  Stuff is passed on and I couldn't help but laugh at my tears.  

At the village green stage we caught my friend Sarah Christine play her set.  Friends that have heard my news came and sat with me and I cried some more.  I cried not because I am sad that I have Breast Cancer.  But because of my youth (I grew up there from the age of 17) that is now gone and how incredibly magick it was.  Each friend that came up to me, I have had many experiences with each of them that has helped me to develop into the woman I am today.  OH!  Those estrogen levels.  To put that spin on top of everything else right now, just adds to the Twilight Zone effect.

After we had enough of walking around looking at stuff, stuff we didn't need, we drove south to the town of Burton.  It is a quaint little town that is one of my favorite places on this earth.  My favorite little post office, where the mail people know your name, a little auto shop (where I was taught in my early 20's how to put new rotors on my volvo station wagon- I loved the overalls), it has a little gallery, and the Burton Store, a Vashon Landmark!

We stopped by and visited my friends Hans and Marife and were able to relax to the point that I almost fell asleep on their sofas.  Today, was a good day.  I didn't feel like I "had" cancer.  The idea is still so foreign. How is it that I have cancer?  I am the symbol of health.  I know this because I feel it and because so many people say that to me, once I tell them the news.  Cancer has no agenda.  No one type of person.  I can't wait for the day that perhaps someone will be able to say, "Ah-ha!  Here is your little fucking culprit, this is why."  Today was a good day.  I feel like I have had a summer.  My skin got lots of Vitamin D and I feel good.  

One more thing before I go.  Supposedly, Vitamin D deficiency is thought to be possibly a key indicator of a possible cancer sign.  For those of you that think this, I will say one word.  Bullshit!  At my last check-up, my Vitamin D levels were checked.  Shockingly my results came back, Perfect.  Above perfect in fact.  Rare for people living in the PNW.  But true.  So, there!  Give me another reason!

Simply Sad

All the masks I've worn in the past month have been put aside today.  My brain is numb, I can't remember little things, I feel fuzzy.  I feel like I am in a blurry tornado.  I am exhausted, yet ready for a fight.  Ready to learn more about myself.  Ready to see how deep I can dive.  Wondering if my lungs will collapse.  Although I know they won't.  I am back at that first week of feeling. Feelings of utter despair.  Surgery is tomorrow and I am freaked out.  

I will be admitted at 9 am.  At 11 I have a radio active dye injected into my right breast just above the nipple to help my surgeon locate my sentinel nodes.  If you are wondering what sentinel nodes are, my visual may help you.  I keep thinking of my lymph nodes like a bee hive.  And the Queen bee are my sentinel nodes.  They are the lymph nodes that get all the garbage dumped at them first, all the garbage that comes off my chest.  So the dye, theoretically would show the Doc where the cancer would spread to first.  They pull these guys out and any others that feel hard to the touch.  As hard ones, would indicate possible cancer.  They would then biopsy them and I will know within a few days if they have cancer.  

The thing that I have been bracing myself with all day, (I have to think of the possible bad outcomes so I am protected) is that they know of one node that was a few weeks ago 1.5cm's.  That isn't a small size.  So, if that isn't one of my sentinel nodes, that would possibly (all the possibilities of life-you gotta love them) indicate that the cancer has moved to other nodes and other places.  I read in Susan Loves The Breast that the scans I have done only detect chunks of cancer.  And when I remember my surgeon saying that they won't know if they got all the cancer, that is why I have to do Chemo.  Oh!  I just do a doozie on myself.  Putting stats together that may very well not belong together and I just have to reign in those horses.  So, you see, I am worried that the cancer is traveling around.  

The feeling when my Oncologist palpated those big node was a horrible icky, finger nails scratching to the tenth degree, painful and icky.  So, I want that thing out of me.  Today I called both my surgeon and Oncologist to confirm that they both know about that darn node and I want it out.  

My mother in law is here and will be for a few days.  I mistakenly told my Dad and my sis that I wanted them to come later, and today I realized I wanted them here.  This was a little too late.  I have been focusing on how sick I may be with Chemo, and wanted them here then.  What I didn't get until today, is that this is HUGE what I am going through, and them coming here is different than just coming to visit.  I have to stop worrying about inconveincing them but the fact is is that We all need to need each other now.  This cancer effects everyone in our families.  

My poor Dad finally brought himself to reading my blog.  The pain he must be going through, I feel for you Dad.  I can't wait to understand the depth of loving a child, like you love me.  Speaking of, not only have I been getting ready for surgery all day, I also gave myself my FIRST fertility SHOT!  I was able to do it, and it didn't hurt at all.  I am going to try to get some sleep.  I can't eat or drink anymore tonight or in the morning.  I am really scared to finally know what they can find out about this cancer.  It is doubly scary having something that they are unable to know exactly what this cancer is about.  The positive note, my statistics will help some new woman my age next year, with hers.  

 

Family

When I hung the phone up with the first lady that called to tell me I have breast cancer and that I needed to come to the Breast Center right away, I hung up and called my Dad.  I told him that I knew nothing more than that I have Breast Cancer (do you capitalize this or not?  To me its EVERYTHING right now, and seems like it has earned its right to be so)  and could he call the family and tell them, and call my best friend that I grew up with Jody; her mom fought a long and serious battle with this evil disease, I knew she'd totally understand.  

The hard part with all of this is that my older sister, by nine years found a lump in her breast the week I went to my first Doc.  Her Doc's said that it had calicified, whatever that means.  Which makes this whole thing a bit scarier because my Nana got diagnosed in her late fifties.  We have learned this could be genetic, something I had only heard of and thought was for people on the news.   She went to the MAYO clinic and because my Nana is one heck of a good fighter it didn't come back.  Now didn't I just say that Jody's mom was a Scraper too? Its funny how we as a society believe if someone beats someone or something that they were the best.  With this Disease there are no "best" there is no such thing as someone who "won" their battle because they fought a good fight.  It comes down to chance, and how this silent killer is going to be in ones body.  Okay Heather, remember your young.  This is going to be alright.  Right?  Everyone keeps saying that to me.  Everyone.  I will be alright.  My new Mantra.  A young Survivor I spoke with on the phone this week told me a Mantra for her, This IS Manageable.  

I knew what she meant this week.  As I have had the most toxic stuff pushed through my body.  It has taken me two days to get over those PET/CT scans goodies.  Yesterday for my MRI I got a new kind of liquid contrast based with Gadolinium.  The bottle said it was FDA approved but if you have kidney problems I should tell them.  I was so elated when I left that MRI place.  Finally the sortof good news, that it wasn't in my bones, but may be in my lymph nodes under my arm sank in.  I was done with my Scans!!  Yippee!  Last night the three of us (my younger sister is in town), drove up to the Alaska Junction to have dinner.  I still do not have an appetite but D keeps reminding me that I still have to choke down some food.  Jokingly reminding me that he has seen me eat some big meals, and knows that I love to eat.  So we drove up to the Junction and it was packed.

We parked behind my office.  The office that I used to kick butt in as a Realtor and just last month sold 4 homes.  I felt a sense of something had been taken from me.  I had to let go of three upcoming listings this week as I just new the stress was immediately not going to work.  I love everyone in my office.  It was a little sad.  Oh, here comes that pity party again.  I have to remember my mom here.  A very religious woman, she'd just caste that devil out of here.  So, I will just caste those bad thoughts out of here.  Or was there that 80's commercial of, " I'm going to wash this, mmmm right out of my"  now this isn't a singalong you guys.  Dinner.  We walk up to have Sushi, my sis loves it.  By the time we walked just 4 blocks I was spent.  There was a line, and just four chairs in the waiting area that were full.  How do you ask someone to get up because I need to sit down.  Would I look convincing?  I am just 33 and look from the outside world healthy as could be.  My stomach started to feel a bit nauseous and the lady said it was going to be a half hour wait, we could write down our cell number and she'd call us.  

Usually this would be fun.  I could stroll around looking at the shops.  I usually find my eyes and heart wanting to go past this really cute kids clothing store, but not today.  I told D and my sis that I had to go home.  Let's just get something to go.  D walked back and got the car as we got Mexican to go for them.  I wasn't going to eat.  

No matter how old we are those sibling " I want what you have" passes through me still at times.  And dinner last night was one of those times.  I got what she had ordered and we drove home.  I feel closer to "normal" at home.  I am not around a ton of city people that are healthy all running around with their heads full of their to-do lists.  We tried to watch the newest Will Farrell flick, boring.  I instead wrote down my list of questions for my Oncologist.  I get to meet with him this morning at eleven.  This meeting is what woke me up early today.  I have a huge whirling Monarch butterfly family in there.  So many questions.  

One is that it seems like all these little glow potions have really sucked the soul from me the past days.  Is this normal?  Or since my body is so pure (like the word pure, I struggle for about 30 seconds trying to remember how to spell it) is this all going to affect me a huge way.  Not that I want him to treat me not aggressively because we need to.  I have at least 50 more years on this planet.  But maybe I will need more anit-nausea medicine.  Medicine I would never had agreed with.  Guys I think the flu shot is bad.  One of those things that is the pharmaceutical companies way of getting their pocket books into America.  So..when I say I don't take anything, that means nothing.  

My sis is sleeping on the coach.  She is really worried about her breasts too.  This sis is only a year and seven days younger.  My Dad says when we are around each other we become one person.  We talk on the phone at least once a day, usually more.  Yesterday before she came up here, she went to see her Doc about her breasts.  She graduates from nursing school next Friday.  I still don't know if I can drive all the way down to Eugene.  I don't want to miss it for anything in the world.  But right now, I can't imagine driving down there.  She said she doesn't want me down there if I don't feel good.  I think I will though, no more chemicals for a while.  She's decided to get a Mammogram and an UltraSound just to make sure everything looks good.  I feel bad for her.  She is so young and I know she is scared for herself.  My poor Dad had to face the possibility of my older Sis and I having it in one week.  I think a little too much for him to bare.  He has always said that one of the worst thing that could happen in life is if one of his kids went before him, "Parents shouldn't have to bury their young."   Dad, you won't need to.  Don't worry.  

Good thing he raised a little athlete.  This is where I plug sports, for all of those that think that playing sports is dumb, I will prove to you how more than a little game they all are.  One of the core strengths I am pulling from right now is my athlete in me.  I am SUPER competitive.  I can't even make myself play a game of freakin' dominos with D without being pissed if I lose.  So with this Cancer that I have, I have had to go this athlete that resides deep in me.  I've had to call her to action.  I acutally for the first time in my life have a true battle ahead of me.  The Docs and all of you are on my team.  But I am the leader, K. I'm laughing right now.  I'm not trying to be egocentric, this is just how I've made it in my head. And thanks D for being so nurturing in this way as to let me tell you I need to change the plans. I am now, for the first time in my life.  THE CENTER of it ALL.  I have to have it be that way.  If I am talking on the phone and need to get off, now I get off.  I just say I have to go.  If I need to leave the restaurant because I don't feel good, we leave.  

My mother in law came two nights ago.  I HAD to FORCE myself to relax.  She was here to help me (the night of the PET/CT's).  I kept going into the kitchen and trying to help her.  She gently said, "I'm trying to help."  I realized I needed to let go.  She can find the plastic wrap, she can find a glass for water for me to drink.  She made me an amazing bowl of potato salad, I can't wait to eat.  I think its time for me to take time for myself.  Luckily I am not a single mom who has to put food on the table.  For those of you that are out there, I shed a tear for you and how hard this is.  Is there a place in this amazing city, that people going through treatment like this single mom can have dinner and groceries brought to her at no charge?  I don't believe in handouts.  In fact I don't want to help anyone that can help themselves, as I see it I am just causing them to be further victimized.  But I do believe in helping people that can't help themselves and that are trying to be better/healthier Americans.

My little sis is gently doing some cute Zzz's on the coach.  How is it that we love so deeply.  What is it like to have a child?  This is something that all of you know has been a bit of a despair in my life.  I want them so badly, and waiting has been sucking my life from me.  Luckily, D was wanting to wait a few more years.  D, Thank YOU!!  But now, for the first time in my life, I can't imagine going through this with kids.  Mainly because of the unknown's at this time.  I can take space from friends and family but kids are always there just in that Present state of being being precious.  Just looking up at you with all the love that ever existed in the world, just beaming that love at you, yes..even when they are kicking and screaming, it shines through.  Shining through because they feel safe enough to kick and scream and develop into their little selves before your eyes.  What a gift this will be someday.  But that day now, is further from today than I'd hoped a month ago.  

I was offered by friends Lisa and Jack to bring their baby by for a play date, during my treatment.  This was the one thing that I knew I'd be calling to ask for.  With them here of coarse, but that sounds fantastic!!