Faith

I'm down in one of my favorite little towns in California, St. Helena. Today I met up with an old friend, an old friend that we have a deep spiritual understanding together. I would say, my closest friends and I share a deep connection in this way. He was telling me about a shoulder injury he has and that he is heading to Brazil to see a spiritual surgeon, or he'll have surgery in the states.

I looked him in the eye and said, "You are going to need to have real surgery."

He and I looking deeply into each others eyes, and he responded by saying, "I don't know why you are saying that. I am not even going to hear that. I am not going to take that reality on. I am not sure if you are saying that, Heather because Western medicine worked for you, and you chose to go that route."

I started telling him more of my story, and I'll skip most of what I said otherwise this post could be a book in and of itself.

But the jest of it, with lots of tears, was this:

" I lost my faith." To get to where I am now, to go through what I went through, I had to let go of it all. How was it, that I..ME..and again, I got cancer in the first place? I remember blogging about this, but one conversation that occurred frequently was this...some loving caring person (because they always meant well)would say, "You will be fine, Heather. You will make it through this." And I would get really angry inside, and say as loving as I could back, "I will be until I am not." And then they would say, "I believe that you create and bring to you whatever you believe. So be careful what you say." And I would say, " I never thought I was going to get cancer, and I did."

You see, this conversation is on FAITH. Faith in lord knows what. Those of you that are Christian could be upset I just used your lords name in vain. Or whatever religion. Whatever religion you are, any walk of life, in any part of this miraculous planet, we all on this planet are just trying to make sense of what happens in life, and to us. Through faith.

We pray, we meditate, we fast, we walk, we run, we do all these things to help us get through. Because life is hard, and life is challenging, and life sometimes simply does not make sense.

It is easier to put your faith out there, and allow yourself to believe that "some great entity's" will, will be done. For your own good.

I am a deeply spiritual person. And this was one of the hardest things for me, and still is. I realized that Faith, is Control. Control in the idea that we do make our own reality. That we are our own magicians. That we can pray to a deity/God and through our faith, "Let go, and Let God." But this is a form of control, as I see it.

I feel like all the praying, all the seeking is our minds just trying to make sense of all of this life stuff, in reality we have nothing to figure out. Life just is.

For me, I chose to surrender into the unknown. Surrender and in the surrendering I learned to love myself deeper. It all boiled down to that. Surrendering and Loving. In the present moment, that is all I had. I believe it is all we ever really have. The hippie in me years ago, used to say its either Fear or Love. But it really is, just Love.

I have a bumper sticker on my car that sums it all up for me, Love Wins. It does, and through this Love, I will come back to having Faith. Because I do deeply believe I am my own magician. And that I do create my reality. But I do also now believe, that sometimes, stuff just happens. And it doesn't make any sense, and no one can tell you why, or how, or even IF at the end of a long struggle, it'll all be worth it.

There is a sadness in this harshness. I cried a lot today, and have over this many times. Faith is what I have stood behind for years. A mask of faith, full archetypal images, and mysticism...but a mask all the same.

Contemplating Sources

I have enjoyed the soul searching of various forms of therapy since I was five. I love looking at myself, in deep ways. I highly suggest for you Survivors out there, to find a top notch Cancer specializing therapist. I find Janet Abrams is a huge source for me. She understands all the medications, all the emotional ups and downs, the fear, the joy, she can hear everything I say, and get it.
What I talked to her about last time is the walking on eggshells around myself that I have been feeling. How I find myself unable to cope with multi-tasking and dealing with life all at the same time since I got cancer. My plate feels full, and I long to be back in the game of life. Don't get me wrong, before cancer, my Dad said regularly to me, "There is no need to stress over it Heather, stressing over it will not change the outcome." Wise words, that I knew would sink in later in life. Like a lot later. Like, as an old lady...a lady in my 60's. A wink, and a hug to those of you at this glorious age ( I now wish, and hope I make it to that age).
So, I got cancer. And lived in the present moment, and got finally what my Dad said. I had to know live my life like that. Do not stress over anything. What will be, will be. I am not a God believer. So, to me, trusting that God will would be done. And even if I was a believer in The One Way, I would not believe God's will would be to have my immune system, that dreaded day be overtaken by cancer.
Okay...so where was I? Oh, yes...back in the present moment. So, here I am presently filled with the now known understanding and fully integrated new way of living of living in the present and taking life as it may. And find myself struggling over how to be done with cancer, how to get a divorce and move gracefully through it, how to be single, how to buy a car, how to do it all on my own, how to run a successful real estate business, and how to run a successful massage practice. There is a lot of juggling that takes place. My massage practice is in peoples homes. So I drive around all day, and in between appointments I am seeing my real estate clients, and or talking to them on the phone. Real estate on its on is incredibly stress provoking. And then I find myself working until 10 or 11 at night again, and look at myself and say, "Now Heather, this is not taking care of yourself." I get that, really I do now.
Besides cancer, besides my health, I am still Heather. And Heather, loves to work. Heather, loves to work and be busy, and I love everyone so much. What more is there than a life of service. Well, that is until I get to be a Mom, and serve them (a blessed day indeed).
I'm straying again. In therapy I looked at my stress and why is it, that when I see a simple text message or get a call, or hear my sister mention something, or how at any moment I find myself not being able to deal? I literally, have freak out inside, and start the process of calming myself back down. ( I have learned how to do this, at least).
I kept picking up my phone during the therapy session, unbeknownst to me, whenever I said the word, STRESS. And finally, I said Why is it that I keep picking this thing up? And then, I had my Ahhh-Hhhaaaa moment. My mind went back to that day, to that phone call. To those words.
Heather, you do have cancer. You need to come down here right now.
Oh, right. And then, I had everything go wrong, and then more during my treatment.
All the worst case scenarios were MY LIFE. For the first time in my life.
I have grown, in the past year and a half, to expect the worst. That the worst case scenario is what very well may happen, and I have been living with that. I have been living on Eggshells since June 2, 2008. That is along time.
Oh. Right. That is the root.
Now that I recognize this, I can heal it.

Not sleeping

I have slept maybe a total of 30 minutes tonight. I have been on lots of steroids and with the pain I have been in, I am wide awake. At 2:30 they finally dosed me with lot of IB proferuen. THey think the cathader is poking my heart or somewhere in there and causing me pain. Its hard to tell whats going on with your guts. I would have never thought I had as much water in my lung as I have, and I honestly would have not imagined any water around my heart. So, I am wide awake getting OBAMAED up.
I called Gen, since she is 3 hours ahead. The IBproferuen helped take the low grade pain to the curb so now I am just up on steroids. I'd have them give me a sleeping pill, but once I realized what was happening to me, it is now the time for everyone to start making their rounds. So I just ordered a small breakfast and maybe that will help me get sleepy.
I am hoping they pull the liquid off my left lung today. Since they keep saying both lungs have about the same amount, and now that I know how much was in the right side. I want the left side tapped so that it can heal quicker. But I don't know the protocol with doing both and the heart within a few days of one another.
I can feel my body besides all this doing better. My blood counts are getting higher and that makes me happy. Soon, this will be a distant memory all you Survivors say. I can't wait. Yesterday I had a few dear friends stop by. Margie, Lea, Sarah, George, and D stopped by after work. They kept me company and helped talk me into a nice sleep. It reminded me of when I first was on AC and Gen was in town taking care of me. I'd have her just talk, and talk she would. She would tell me every story and thought under the sun until I fell asleep.
I'll write more later in the day. Once whatever is going to happen happens. I doubt I will go home today because I still cannot stand up and walk a few steps to the bathroom, use it and walk back, lay down without being in such pain that I need fentanyl. So well see..

Someone's stepping on the hose

Okay. For all you mom's out there. I am back in room 705, at Swedish. I got in touch with my Onc and he had me check myself into the ER. He said that the cardiologist and the on-call Onc would meet me here. One of the messages of this post is that miscommunication happens, and you must be on your tippee toes to be your own advocate, constantly. Because ER doc wanted to give me, himself, alone the diuretic..Which 4 doc's have been debating for an entire week. The reason being is this..Hold on it gets deep...
Okay. Here's the deal. There are two water problems in my body right now and they are related. One being that my whole body is swollen with fluid. The way a body typically gets rid of this fluid is that it gets into your blood vessels and gets pumped through, by your heart, and eventually your kidneys pee it out. Here comes the second water problem. Which is, there is a pocket of water around my hear that is squeezing it. Which makes my heart beat as fast as if I was running. Which is insane. So..its working hard enough doing its thing, (very healthfully i will add) but it can't handle anything more. Like getting rid of my the water in my body. Which has caused a literal backup in my body. Its a vicious cycle.
So the problem with diuretics is two things. THe first thing is that it works on the first fluid problem, the fluid in my legs and everywhere else. Not the fluid around my heart and lungs, which by the way is worse now than last week, says the x-rays and another eccho tonight. The second problem with diuretics is that it lowers the amount of water in my vessels which means that squeezing around my heart would be allowed to squeeze my heart even more. Which would cause low blood pressure. And this would be dangerous.
So...they have now decided to do the heart tap, so that hopefully the vicious back-up problem can be fixed. I of coarse have feelings about this. But that is tomorrow or the next day.

My friend Tamara came and met me at the ER because I was very scared and sad and scared some more. I will write more later. I don't know how this is all going to work out. I am sure I won't die from getting my heart punctured. But just in case, I want to let those of you that know me, know that I love you all. And I have lived a wonder-filled life. And I do not regret anything. I have LIVED! I am just saying this, not to be melodramatic, but because often people hide and don't share how they really feel. So there you go!

****

I am going through my blog, as I write my book years later. February 1, 2012 to be exact. This is the one post that I must change..

Now, I no longer am protecting D. To go back to the phone call my Doc and I had. The one he told me to go to the ER. Well, I was in such debilitating pain, that that night I had a CT scan because they were all afraid I was having a heart attack. I thought I was as well. That is how badly I hurt. Do you know what D said when I said, We have to go to the ER? Sorry, I can't go. I need a break. I am not going to cancel my dinner plans with my friend and we are going to see a show. I can come see you tomorrow. Fuck him. I was so incredibly hurt by this. I was his wife at this point. But a wife that was starting to see the man I had chosen for myself. I was the type of woman that did everything around the house, even during treatment. I still tried grocery shopping, even if I had to ask someone at the grocery to push my cart through the isles. This sucked, and hurt, and tore a huge irreparable whole in my heart allowing me to see that the marriage I'd signed up for, was always, going to be about him.

Where is Heather?

This photo doesn't even look like me. My body has been morphed and changed so much. I AM BORED OUT OF MY MIND!!

Announcement over loud speaker

Announcement over the loud speaker, “ Heather is Done with Chemo.” Finished. Forever, and ever, and ever. I got a call Monday night from my Oncologist around 9:30. Here I must call him out into the middle of the room and name him finally. I have hesitated in doing so, but I don’t necessarily see the harm in it. So, Dr. Henry Kaplan is the kind of guy that calls you at 9:00 pm, because he is still working. Still trying to get back to each and every patient he needs to, and to then once on the phone give them his undivided attention. I have not once felt rushed by him or gotten the sense that he’d rather be doing something else. In fact that is what he said when I guiltily answered the phone so late and I said, “ Wow. You’re still working?” And he said, “I don’t have anything else better to do.” If you think about it, and trust me the past few days I have been waking up at 2 am and then not sleeping anymore so I have had time to think a lot.
But to have nothing better to do than to conduct yourself with as much compassion, intensity, honesty, to be there 100% for each of your clients (he’s one of the top, if not the top Oncologist in this state~which equals lots and lots of patients) is in my book one hell of a way to give back. To give back to planet earth and make it a better place. What a blessing he has been, and will be, until he retires in 12 years.
Anyways, so the long awaited CT scan results. He said, “Having trouble breathing still?” And I went into my litany of complaints about my lungs. He said, “its because you have water in there. You’re done with chemo. Were going to call it quits and be done.” I then went into an elated shock and said stuff like, “forever. Done. Whoohoo!!.” He also said that he wanted to get a Bone Scan before I saw him this week, just to make sure nothing more sinister is happening. I thanked him, and got off the phone.
D and I just looked at each other gave each other high fives, (D hates high fives. But me being a super duper athlete loves them. They are at my core of being. There are times like these that he does them with such verve-well okay, not such verve, but he does them, and they are for me) yes, the high fives, and we spoke of the fact. I AM DONE WITH CHEMO. FOR FUCKING EVER!!! Never again. Done. In complete health.
Well sortof, complete health. I have water in my lungs. Dr. Kaplan said he wanted to see if it’d go away by itself in the next few weeks, if not he’d put me on a diuretic. I didn’t ask, because honestly I’m sick of med’s. But I think the reason he isn’t putting me on it right away is that my body is so taxed that any med just seems to tax whatever organ, in that case I’d think my kidneys. Who know’s. But I am done. And I am not experiencing the end of treatment hyperchondriac syndrome of thinking everything is wrong. There is something wrong with my lungs, and they’ll get better.
He said it’s just a side effect from the chemo, a rarer one, but it seems I’ve had a few of those during all this stuff. I explain it like this to the person that asks, “how is it?” I say, “ Its kind of like they try to see how close they can come to killing you. I guess that’s a good thing. So that it kills all the cancer. “ So kids, its time for recess, we are taking recess early. I guess recess isn’t a good word because there is doom and gloom attached to it for all of us, the foreboding of needing to go back to school after all the fun. And I just want to say now, that I have no intention whatsoever in not one morsel of my cellular being that I intend to go back and do any of this ever again. I am one hundred percent done. So, it’s a big long adult recess.
Earlier in the day on Monday I went and saw Dr. Heffernan my other favorite doctor. I was feeling really sick and like my soul had been sucked from me that day. I am not sure if its my lungs or what, but its simply hard to stand and hard to walk and its not even enough to use the “old” word of hard. Heather since she’s been through this seems to have to throw out my old definitions of what some words meant/mean to me. Hard like, it takes every ounce of me to stand for a few minutes or to walk from my car into a building and stand and wait for an elevator. I find myself bringing myself down into a squatting position and then needing to stand because its more painful to do that because my leg muscles can’t stretch that far anymore. Anyways, I made a joke with the Dr. when he finished sticking a needle in my tear ducts again, “Wow! What a profession. You got to have a lot of confidence to stick a needle in someone’s eye. Sure does take away any nausea by doing that.” Its true. My body goes into such a state of freak out that all systems are on hyper alter and buzzing with adrenaline. I HATE the procedure. He said he didn’t want to see me for a month, and that it looked like I was on track for 100% recovery!
So that was Monday. Phew. In that day, D and I moved all our stuff or should I say I pointed to have all our stuff packed up and then either moved into the moving truck or brought next door to our new 750 SQFT home. I love living in here. The 3400 SQFt home we’ve been in for us was ridiculous. Now, its simple. We have just what we need, nothing more (seriously) and I am happy as a peach!! Thrilled. The kitchen is just right behind me (I’m on the coach) and every other room is just a few steps here or there.
Today, well yesterday, I am writing this at 3 AM, was jammed packed with realty stuff. I got a new condo listing this week and it came on the market yesterday and there is always a long list of things to do. I even cleaned his carpets for him myself! I couldn’t sleep Monday night at all, and one of the reason’s was Dr. Kaplan’s whole, “you need to get a bone scan thing.” I should have known that if something questionable came up on the CT scan he would have said that to me. He didn’t. But I still had to call the office today, I mean yesterday, and ask them to ask him this. Because I was freaking out. I haven’t had a Bone scan yet, and frankly don’t want to. I am still recovering from the CT scan. The disgusting glow stick solution they make you drink is horrible. For the bone scan I have to go a whole two hours ahead of time and drink some god awful concoction and then wait an hour and a half so that I am totally glowing. Yippee. I have the TV on, just for sound and there are infomercials on one after the other.
So I am done with chemo. That means on my birthday, January 13th I get to have sushi. Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of sushi. My onc. said I had to wait two weeks until I eat it after my last chemo. It will be almost 14 days, 13…close enough! He said it is okay I took myself off those horrible antibiotics for my disgusting nails. I just have to say, that the whole stinky rotting nail thing is the most disgusting thing I’ve gone through thus far. They are horrible!!

15 down, 1 to GO

Today was another wonderful day. I jammed as much as I could in a few hours before I had to go to chemo. I wasn't looking forward to it at all, knowing full well that I will be ill for the next few days. The degree of illness is always a new adventure with each chemo. Last chemo, though I had three wonderful days, I was really really sick right after my session. Lets cross our fingers. The other thing that is never constant, and has no rhyme or reason are my blood counts. My friend Tamara asked me what does it mean to have low counts? Her question made me realize that I may not have explained this. Before each session I have to have my port accessed and they stick a huge freakin' needle into the middle of the port, which doesn't hurt at all. Once they've done that they draw blood and check for my White Blood Cell, Platletts,and another one. I forget right now. So far, all my cancellations have been due to my WBC's being too low. Although for the past month my Plateletts have been very low. Today they were really low, but not low enough to cancel.
Anyhoo, so the blood counts are off of that test. Today for some reason they were 4,800 which is good for right now. Last week they were 3,600. A normal person not going through chemo is around 7-10,000. When they cancel my sessions my counts have been in the low 2,000's.
So, I am done with chemo number 15, and only have one left. I am so excited. I have officially gained 29 pounds. I just stood on the scale, in sheer disbelief. It really did take me a few seconds for me to realize that that was right. I stood there getting my numbers wrong. I just can't believe it. I have been eating super good the past month, and not super good in a bad way. Super good in a egg and toast for breakfast, a sandwhich with a fruit for lunch, bake potato and veggie for dinner. Maybe some chicken, on a few days. But that's it. It must be tons of extra water in my body right now.
I haven't said this because I have been hoping and am still hoping that its just some weird infection that isn't causing phlegm in my lungs. But for exactly a month, when I lay on my side my lungs hurt. And I mean hurt. They hurt so bad that I have to cough and cough. It happens when I sleep, but mostly when I wake up in the morning. All the usual sicky things are not happening to me. Today, after four weeks of me telling my Onc this, and me not coming up with a cold, he ordered me to have a CT scan of my upper chest and abdomen. Last night they hurt so bad (I'm a side sleeper) that it woke me up over and over. He thinks its very strange and says that its almost zero percent that I'd develop cancer in my lungs while I am getting such high doses of chemo. Nevertheless, its a scary thing that is happening and on friday I am getting the scan. We'll see what's going on and at least I can sleep with painful lungs knowing that there isn't anything in there that is hurting them. Maybe its just a strange side effect from the chemo, or the sheer weight of 30 new pounds squishing my little lungs. Which seems to be the culprit, I bet!

Still sick

I have had a fever all weekend long. This morning I woke up and barely got dressed. It had snowed outside and I really wanted to walk up to the bakery and drink hot cocoa. D didn't think we should go, but I really wanted to get out of bed, out of the house, and celebrate the winter wonderland. We have a few big hills to walk up to get up to the bakery and I just couldn't do it. I got almost there and had to sit in a squatting position for a few minutes and couldn't stand back up without feeling like I was going to get sick and faint. D was pissed at me because I pushed myself too hard. And I was pissed that I just couldn't get to the bakery. I am so sick of laying around and I really really wanted to be with other people and watch them enjoying the winter day.
So, back we went home and I've been in bed with a fever off and on all day. I guess I must be trying to fight some kind of bug off since the fever has lasted for so many days. I will call my Oncologist tomorrow and just let the nurses know I've been sick all weekend.

Picking up the leaves

Today was a big day, and this will be a long post. Where to start?

I was on the island today and during the massage I was giving I felt my athlete in me. Doing massage, I always have felt her. As, occasionally I (unbeknownst to my clients~now you guys know) I put myself into a yoga posture to stretch as I am doing massage moves. What happened to me when I got diagnosed was that my life imploded. I let go of everything as everything, and I mean everything fell apart and to the side. All that I had ever thought I'd known, disintegrated. Even my athlete. Although I have called on her during my treatment, I haven't connected with her yet.

I think I have to start with yesterday before I go further. Yesterday, as I watched Ellen Degeneres ( I am now a TV holic that loves, and I mean loves all these TV shows, so funny to me) so as I watched her, I got up as I was feeling well enough to do exercises for the first time since I was diagnosed, in a serious way. Every commercial I did lunges, squats, calf raises, tricep dips, and crunches. I felt great doing it and but I didn't say hi to my athlete. I just did the exercises.

Fast forward to today, my calf's were a little sore and I felt supported by my body, by my athlete. Back again, during the massage, I looked in the mirror as I was doing a massage stroke, and said hi to her. And in that moment, I realized how far from her I was. I checked in with myself, and there was the base emotion of anger. But when I looked closer, I was angry that she, the athlete had forsaken me. I mean hell, I have exercised religiously my whole life. She let me down. She let me have cancer. She, oh, the tears started. Not heavy, as I was working, and this all happened in a matter of probably two minutes. But it was deep. I realized that I had to forgive her. I had to forgive my athlete/my body for giving up. For not fighting off that fucking cancer. And in this forgiveness, of really myself, I had to recognize on a deep level that she wasn't at fault. But that I had been pissed and disappointed in her efforts. I had been let down and that we needed to come back together. I needed to forgive her. So, during that massage I welcomed myself back to my athlete/my body.

I told her that I am ready to do those yoga postures again, and to feel my body again, and to risk loving my body again. Risk, thinking and ultimately believing that if I love my body by exercising I will live a longer healthier life.

I was ready to feel again. So, through the few eyelashes I have the tears got heavy, and I wiped them away and I was whole. I went for a three mile walk today around the Burton Loop. There is a flat stretch along the way, and my athlete in me said, "Why don't you run that half mile, Heather." So I did. I felt my lungs rise and fill with air, and felt my body get warm again. I was in touch with my breath. I was and am, alive. I caught the cancer as early as I could. My life is in the hands of what I agreed to as I entered this body. I am learning from all of this. I am growing and learning to love myself in a deeper way. And that is all I can say.

I am ready to start doing yoga again, and start feeling my body again. I am no longer afraid of her. I am no longer angry with her. And I am no longer disappointed in her.

Sores

I am not a doctor, but this whole thing make me think I know just enough to make me lethal to myself. Haha. But seriously, I think that I don't have a sore throat from a cold but from a real life sore. It hasn't gotten better in over two weeks, and has even gotten worse. Drinking water (still tastes like poison) absolutely brings a grimace to my face. It hurts so bad. My doctor said I don't have an infection in my sinus and that its just a sore caused my the chemo. So..that made me think today after I could barely swollow water and thought, hey! Maybe its a sore. It hurts to breath because the sore in my throat gets aggravated. So...maybe I have a cold because my counts are too low or maybe I have a real life sore because my counts are too low and the chemo is attacking my mucusy areas. Oh! fun. I just hope that it heals this week now that I have a week off.

Radiating Sun

I feel like the radiating sun today because I am full of thankfulness for this time. The time to be "Heather" again, and I haven't gotten this luxury since I was diagnosed on June 2. The past few months have been filled with every emotion under the stars while I tried to grasp the actuality that I was living with Breast Cancer, and of coarse the Fertility stuff. Then it was my first chemo treatment and then dealing with the repercussions of it. Now, today, yippee!! I have no worries, I am in treatment, I am out of pain, I have my mind back and solely to myself. I get to think about having cancer now every other moment instead of every second. Sure, my little stubbles of hair are falling out all over the place but that's fun. I actually am TOTALLY loving rocking the short hair do! Its fun.
I am pretty sure when I see my doctor tomorrow he is going to continue the IV antibiotics. My hand is still pretty swollen. But, I have been wrong about most things concerning my body lately so, who really knows.

Cellulitis

This painful infection is slowly going away. What is crazy is that it all started, we think, from a teeny tiny little scratch the size of a needle head on my right pinky finger. My immune system is pretty lacking right now and due to the 3 nodes they took out of me, diseases like staph don't get filtered through my system as well as they once did. The doctor said that this may be something that I have to watch for for the rest of my life in my right arm. We'll have to see about that.
Now that I can type again, I will back pedal a bit. So, the little doctor that I am. I was 100% certain that I had simply done too many massages and I had developed a bad case of tendonitis in my thumb, that was Monday. On Monday, D suggested I cancel my massages and relax, and go to the doctors. I said no, and did the massages. Tuesday, I woke up and my hand was pounding out of my heart and I couldn't move my hand it was swollen so badly. I iced and iced, and it didn't help the inflammation at all. It just got worse. I called my doctor and told them. They said that they thought it was an infection. I told them I wanted to wait to see them for my scheduled chemo the next day, wednesday. Tuesday night came, and by then my hand was sending shooting nerve pains up into my shoulder and it was so bad I couldn't breath regularly. D suggested for me to take vicodin and I thought for the first time in my life, " Brillant idea." I really needed them. I took them every 2 hours, just a half tab. I am so freaked out by all the news there is about all these people getting addicted, so I use them sparingly. I ended up in the middle of the night realizing that 1/2 tab wasn't enough, the pain seemed to like 2 Advil too. So, that has been my diet for the past few days.
I was disappointed to find out that my chemo got cancelled because of this. I had family in town to help me out for this session, and now I am stuck with pulling through this one on my own. A few friends will come over and help watch me during the day, so that D can do the last minute touches on the house. Starting on Wed, I have been going to the hospital everyday and getting IV antibiotics. Today, I went thinking it was my last day. I thought this because last night the pain diminished and I stopped taking the pain med. The swelling went down enough to not put me in the hospital over the weekend, thank god. But, not enough for my doctor, so I got 3 days added of the IV antibiotic- sat, sun, and monday.
On Monday, we'll be at the hospital, (if I end up getting to do chemo) for close to 8 hours. I have a port test in the morning because since day 1, of it being used, I get a burning sensation whenever they put anything in me there. They say that shouldn't be happening. I think its alright, my intuition (however, it seems that that's been off with everything regarding this cancer crap) think that, but who knows. I am a very sensitive person, and so maybe I can feel inside my arteries? Who knows? After that test, I will get my IV antibiotic and then, possible chemo. I hope so. Its hard to get geared up for a possibility.
D, shaved my head last night. WIll get the pics up probably tomorrow. It looks good, as good as a mangy dog can look. My little bald head has hair and spots of no hair. I can't wait till its all gone and just a smooth little head.

Back to back

I was thinking that back to back would be a good title since I just gave two 1 1/2 hour massages back to back, and I feel awesome. It is so good to be back and fully back. I cannot say how happy I am that I feel normal again. With the whole treatment thing started, I almost mentally feel like Heather again. The old superwoman, Heather.
When I wrote back to back, I also thought that it was a good title with how I am feeling, or is that stuffing, the fact that I have 11 more treatments. In the bottom of my gut and in the back of my mind there is sheer terror with the fact that I have to go through this 11 more times. I am scared and freaked out. I can have a good and optimistic attitude, and hope and try to will my body into not having any reactions to the chemo. But because the first round was so bad, (could've been worse, I could've been puking) that I am a little nervous. So, I just have to think of all the little kids that go through this and all the millions of people worldwide that do chemo and not worry about it. I just have to be a little chemo soldier and keep going.
I am not allowing myself to actually think about my upcoming treatments, except when I am writing here. I am now going to stop myself. Today is a beautiful day in Seattle. Thank God! It has been rainy and cold for most of last week. I have one more 1 1/2 hour massage to do today, and I am looking forward to it. Off to finish, The Book Of Negroes.

Don't make that face..

When I was a kid, one of my favorite books was about this kid that used to make the most horrid faces imaginable.  But one day, much like today (as its terribly windy here) the wind changed and his face wasn't able to change back to normal.  I kind of felt like that today.  

D said a very sweet thing to me this morning, after my sister left.  He said, " I want our old lives back."  Simple.  Cutting.  Sweet, and Painful. " Yeah, maybe in a year," I said.  I think both of us know that our lives will never be the same.  I felt the life in me fill my heart today so I got dressed and went to my office and finished some paperwork on a few of the houses I'd just sold.  Walking into my office I got a hug from everyone and tried to not to cry.  Looking and listening to everyone working hard on their houses, I felt a little jealous.  I just cannot believe that I am on hold.  I'm on hold because despite what most people think, Realtors work their butts off and it is an incredibly stressful job.  A job that I knew I wouldn't be able to give my 110% to. 

I got to do my first massage today since we got the news.  I like to think of my massage practice as my walking mediation practice.  It felt so good to focus on someone else's body for a while.  A body that is in good health, a body that is working the way it should.  How is it that none of my Doctors found this lump in the past few years, or in my last exam four months ago?How is it that I was overlooked?  My Oncologist says its because most Doctors will never see cancer in younger woman in their entire careers, so they don't think out of the box when doing exams.  They just don't think its possible.

I got a manicure today.  The ladies all know my name, as I walk in they say, "Hello, Heather."  They asked me how I was, and I explained that I had breast cancer.  I told her I was 33, and she said, "Me too."  Quickly, they bantered back and forth and she explained to them all, in another language, one that I don't know, that I had breast cancer.  I told them next time I see them, I might not have hair.  How crazy is that.  "Your hair is so beautiful, are you sad?"  

I am sad, and sure my ego is sad and threatened that it will loose these locks.  Will I just go bald? Maybe I'll wear a scarf and a hat.  When my sister was here she told me that five years ago, she got fourteen inches cut off her hair for Locks of Love.  The biggest surprise was that she had never given it away, that she still had it.  Unbelievable!!  I love it, I actually might be able to have a wig with my sisters hair.  How cool, but do I want a wig?  Isn't the wig, for everyone else?

When my mom was in the nursing home, since she had a stroke at 54, and was paralyzed she didn't ever leave the home.  Eventually she just shaved her head, it was easier to take care of and she had no one to impress.  I wonder what I will do.  At the Oregon Country Fair, one of my favorite summer festivals I used to love to dress up and wear wigs.  I was able to morph into a freer me.  I just don't know about this.  We all know its ego.  I mean really, if I was on a deserted island would I care if I had to shave my head?  If someone left a wig on a rock, would I wear it around?  Yes, the girl in me that likes to dress up would.  And yes, the girl in me that likes to braid my hair might.  I just can't believe I have breast cancer.  It's crazy.

So yes, the wind is blowing and my life has changed and my life is never going to be the same.  That is what I didn't say to D this morning.  That for the better or the worse, my life and his life has changed.  When I get healthy again, and when I go into remission, our lives still have been changed.  The life of waking up in the morning and taking everything for granted is over.  Simply over.  

Today was the day that my Dad and I got to trace all the cancer in our family.  Back to my grandparents on both sides.  Tomorrow morning we are meeting with my Genetic Doctor and will start to learn if I have the genes that pre-dispose me to getting breast cancer.  On my Dad's side only my Nana had it and she had six brother's and sisters.  On my mother's side, my grandma had skin cancer on her face-no big deal- and my grandpa had hand cancer.  Neither died of cancer.  I am hoping I do not have one of the known six genes.  But I kind of wouldn't mind either because at least there could be some kind of blame.  I want to point one of my fingers at something.  D is always saying I have a little detective in me.  I'm that person driving down the road that looks for drunks, or calls 911 when I see a reckless driver.  He always laughs at me, but hey, if I can help the little detective in me loves to do it.  I'd make a great cop.  

Today I was out with all the "normal" people and starting to face the fact that my body is going to change and morph into a new butterfly.  I am a little nervous about it.  End of story.  I am just nervous.  Here comes lots of yoga and meditation and soul searching like my hippie days of the past have never seen.  I get to look square in my eye, an eye that may not have eye lashes for long.

 

Family

When I hung the phone up with the first lady that called to tell me I have breast cancer and that I needed to come to the Breast Center right away, I hung up and called my Dad.  I told him that I knew nothing more than that I have Breast Cancer (do you capitalize this or not?  To me its EVERYTHING right now, and seems like it has earned its right to be so)  and could he call the family and tell them, and call my best friend that I grew up with Jody; her mom fought a long and serious battle with this evil disease, I knew she'd totally understand.  

The hard part with all of this is that my older sister, by nine years found a lump in her breast the week I went to my first Doc.  Her Doc's said that it had calicified, whatever that means.  Which makes this whole thing a bit scarier because my Nana got diagnosed in her late fifties.  We have learned this could be genetic, something I had only heard of and thought was for people on the news.   She went to the MAYO clinic and because my Nana is one heck of a good fighter it didn't come back.  Now didn't I just say that Jody's mom was a Scraper too? Its funny how we as a society believe if someone beats someone or something that they were the best.  With this Disease there are no "best" there is no such thing as someone who "won" their battle because they fought a good fight.  It comes down to chance, and how this silent killer is going to be in ones body.  Okay Heather, remember your young.  This is going to be alright.  Right?  Everyone keeps saying that to me.  Everyone.  I will be alright.  My new Mantra.  A young Survivor I spoke with on the phone this week told me a Mantra for her, This IS Manageable.  

I knew what she meant this week.  As I have had the most toxic stuff pushed through my body.  It has taken me two days to get over those PET/CT scans goodies.  Yesterday for my MRI I got a new kind of liquid contrast based with Gadolinium.  The bottle said it was FDA approved but if you have kidney problems I should tell them.  I was so elated when I left that MRI place.  Finally the sortof good news, that it wasn't in my bones, but may be in my lymph nodes under my arm sank in.  I was done with my Scans!!  Yippee!  Last night the three of us (my younger sister is in town), drove up to the Alaska Junction to have dinner.  I still do not have an appetite but D keeps reminding me that I still have to choke down some food.  Jokingly reminding me that he has seen me eat some big meals, and knows that I love to eat.  So we drove up to the Junction and it was packed.

We parked behind my office.  The office that I used to kick butt in as a Realtor and just last month sold 4 homes.  I felt a sense of something had been taken from me.  I had to let go of three upcoming listings this week as I just new the stress was immediately not going to work.  I love everyone in my office.  It was a little sad.  Oh, here comes that pity party again.  I have to remember my mom here.  A very religious woman, she'd just caste that devil out of here.  So, I will just caste those bad thoughts out of here.  Or was there that 80's commercial of, " I'm going to wash this, mmmm right out of my"  now this isn't a singalong you guys.  Dinner.  We walk up to have Sushi, my sis loves it.  By the time we walked just 4 blocks I was spent.  There was a line, and just four chairs in the waiting area that were full.  How do you ask someone to get up because I need to sit down.  Would I look convincing?  I am just 33 and look from the outside world healthy as could be.  My stomach started to feel a bit nauseous and the lady said it was going to be a half hour wait, we could write down our cell number and she'd call us.  

Usually this would be fun.  I could stroll around looking at the shops.  I usually find my eyes and heart wanting to go past this really cute kids clothing store, but not today.  I told D and my sis that I had to go home.  Let's just get something to go.  D walked back and got the car as we got Mexican to go for them.  I wasn't going to eat.  

No matter how old we are those sibling " I want what you have" passes through me still at times.  And dinner last night was one of those times.  I got what she had ordered and we drove home.  I feel closer to "normal" at home.  I am not around a ton of city people that are healthy all running around with their heads full of their to-do lists.  We tried to watch the newest Will Farrell flick, boring.  I instead wrote down my list of questions for my Oncologist.  I get to meet with him this morning at eleven.  This meeting is what woke me up early today.  I have a huge whirling Monarch butterfly family in there.  So many questions.  

One is that it seems like all these little glow potions have really sucked the soul from me the past days.  Is this normal?  Or since my body is so pure (like the word pure, I struggle for about 30 seconds trying to remember how to spell it) is this all going to affect me a huge way.  Not that I want him to treat me not aggressively because we need to.  I have at least 50 more years on this planet.  But maybe I will need more anit-nausea medicine.  Medicine I would never had agreed with.  Guys I think the flu shot is bad.  One of those things that is the pharmaceutical companies way of getting their pocket books into America.  So..when I say I don't take anything, that means nothing.  

My sis is sleeping on the coach.  She is really worried about her breasts too.  This sis is only a year and seven days younger.  My Dad says when we are around each other we become one person.  We talk on the phone at least once a day, usually more.  Yesterday before she came up here, she went to see her Doc about her breasts.  She graduates from nursing school next Friday.  I still don't know if I can drive all the way down to Eugene.  I don't want to miss it for anything in the world.  But right now, I can't imagine driving down there.  She said she doesn't want me down there if I don't feel good.  I think I will though, no more chemicals for a while.  She's decided to get a Mammogram and an UltraSound just to make sure everything looks good.  I feel bad for her.  She is so young and I know she is scared for herself.  My poor Dad had to face the possibility of my older Sis and I having it in one week.  I think a little too much for him to bare.  He has always said that one of the worst thing that could happen in life is if one of his kids went before him, "Parents shouldn't have to bury their young."   Dad, you won't need to.  Don't worry.  

Good thing he raised a little athlete.  This is where I plug sports, for all of those that think that playing sports is dumb, I will prove to you how more than a little game they all are.  One of the core strengths I am pulling from right now is my athlete in me.  I am SUPER competitive.  I can't even make myself play a game of freakin' dominos with D without being pissed if I lose.  So with this Cancer that I have, I have had to go this athlete that resides deep in me.  I've had to call her to action.  I acutally for the first time in my life have a true battle ahead of me.  The Docs and all of you are on my team.  But I am the leader, K. I'm laughing right now.  I'm not trying to be egocentric, this is just how I've made it in my head. And thanks D for being so nurturing in this way as to let me tell you I need to change the plans. I am now, for the first time in my life.  THE CENTER of it ALL.  I have to have it be that way.  If I am talking on the phone and need to get off, now I get off.  I just say I have to go.  If I need to leave the restaurant because I don't feel good, we leave.  

My mother in law came two nights ago.  I HAD to FORCE myself to relax.  She was here to help me (the night of the PET/CT's).  I kept going into the kitchen and trying to help her.  She gently said, "I'm trying to help."  I realized I needed to let go.  She can find the plastic wrap, she can find a glass for water for me to drink.  She made me an amazing bowl of potato salad, I can't wait to eat.  I think its time for me to take time for myself.  Luckily I am not a single mom who has to put food on the table.  For those of you that are out there, I shed a tear for you and how hard this is.  Is there a place in this amazing city, that people going through treatment like this single mom can have dinner and groceries brought to her at no charge?  I don't believe in handouts.  In fact I don't want to help anyone that can help themselves, as I see it I am just causing them to be further victimized.  But I do believe in helping people that can't help themselves and that are trying to be better/healthier Americans.

My little sis is gently doing some cute Zzz's on the coach.  How is it that we love so deeply.  What is it like to have a child?  This is something that all of you know has been a bit of a despair in my life.  I want them so badly, and waiting has been sucking my life from me.  Luckily, D was wanting to wait a few more years.  D, Thank YOU!!  But now, for the first time in my life, I can't imagine going through this with kids.  Mainly because of the unknown's at this time.  I can take space from friends and family but kids are always there just in that Present state of being being precious.  Just looking up at you with all the love that ever existed in the world, just beaming that love at you, yes..even when they are kicking and screaming, it shines through.  Shining through because they feel safe enough to kick and scream and develop into their little selves before your eyes.  What a gift this will be someday.  But that day now, is further from today than I'd hoped a month ago.  

I was offered by friends Lisa and Jack to bring their baby by for a play date, during my treatment.  This was the one thing that I knew I'd be calling to ask for.  With them here of coarse, but that sounds fantastic!!

Good News

I just got a call from my Oncologist and he said that my bones are clear as a whistle.  But that it appears that the cancer has moved to the lymph nodes under my arm.  Does this mean I may have to say goodbye to that boob?  Who knows.  We are relieved but my heart is racing a bit.  I can feel all the questions start whirling in my mind.  We have to stay focused and in the present.  We don't know what this means.  The Doc graciously is making an appointment with me tomorrow morning now so that we can meet and go over the MRI that will be later today and talk.  

How I deal with this news, is that I have to protect myself from being blindsided.  I have to prepare myself for the worst, and that would be for the breast to be removed, and for all my lymph nodes in my right arm to be removed.  I might have lymphadema.  I might not be able to carry a heavy grocery sack nor a 5 gallon paint bucket upstairs.  These are all questions I will be able to ask soon.  We are going to breakfast to celebrate.  The cancer is not in my bones.  

The Glow Stick

Phew!  I actually slept in this morning.  Yesterday was for a lack of a better word, Icky..GROSS..mmmm..  What else could explain the disgusting stuff I got injected into me and that I got to drink.  

As D and I checked in for my PET & CT scans the check in lady gently told D that he was not going to be able to be in the room with me, while I was being injected with the stuff that helps me glow.  The F18-FDG, and this was for his safety.  For his safety?  He couldn't help but feel scared and protective of me.  He said, "If I can't be in there what is this going to do to her?"  Well we've all heard the speech before the, "It's for your own safety.  Policy is..."  I simply replied remembering what my Dad said when I first told him that I had breast cancer, I shared with him a thought that I knew wasn't going to be around much longer, about not wanting to do Chemo, " Heather, the alternative sucks."  So with that jewel in the back of my mind, that yes, I will do anything and everything I have to because I love this world, I love all of you, and I love myself.  So I told D and the check-in lady, " It's better than having Cancer."  End of story.  All this will be better than having Breast Cancer.

We got into the little room and the nice Radiationwhatever you call them Tech lady sat down with us and began telling us all the things we were going to do.  I asked if it was so bad for D to be in the room just this time, do her parents worry about her.  As she was my age.  She showed us that she wears a ring and a clip that monitor how much radiation she is  getting.  Note to all, when speaking to people about Radiation and their bodies don't pull stats from this classic line, " Well people in Chernobyl.." I forgot everything else she said from there. I started flying to Russia in my mind, and thinking that yes, we don't know the side effects because this just happened.  So, okay back to what dad said, the alternative sucks.  Give me it all.  

D was in there when they let me drink a great potion of liquid oral contrast.  Barium.  Now when your husband who is a photographer says this is going to help you with the black and white pics you gotta laugh.  I mean seriously.  I get to glow.  Awesome.  Let me tell you, if you get the chance to drink this stuff, don't sip it.  Pound it.  Fast.  I chose the berry one.  Not realizing that in a half hour I was going to get to drink another, I chose Vanila hoping it would be better.  Gross.  Imagine drinking a mixture of milk with lots of flour, almost a gravy that has perfume berry in it.  I could be on a milk commercial too.  A survivor drinking this milky mixture, just downing it for my race of a life time. 

D got to stay when they brought out this little steel bomb looking thing that held the radiation mix they were going to inject me with.  But first they injected me with Saline.  Now saline shouldn't if it was all there was, taste and smell like a rotten orange in a fruit bowl in August.  But that is exactly the senses I had simultaneously as the "Saline" was injected into my arm.  Crazy.  D was taking pics of me (so we can have em up here soon) and couldn't help but cry and say, " We are going to get through this.  We have so many things to do and see together."  Our lives are on hold. 

A few months ago we sent an email out to tons of people asking where there favorite place in the world is.  Planning a long trip, but now that is simply not going to happen for a while.  I couldn't help but cry with him.  This was no fun.  He left, he had to.  He didn't want to.  I got to sit in a chair by myself and not move so all these concoctions could fill up my little cells and body so that we will know if the cancer has gone anywhere else.  This is good.  We will KNOW.

One of the craziest sensations I have ever got to experience happened to me when I was in the scanner.  They injected me with Iodine and barium, an IV contrast, that felt like very hot water was being poured over my head.  Quickly in about 30 seconds felt it flush from my head to my groining.  Incredible.  Not pleasant, but not great.   A few hours later a wobbly me came out and my husband and I kissed.  In the back of my mind I wondered if I shouldn't, am I a walking glow stick?  My skin sure felt it.  For the rest of the day I felt pretty brain dead.  I couldn't eat, just not hungry.  I drank lots of water and forced myself to have the biggest bowl of delicious watermelon.  But I was forcing myself.  I usually love to eat.  Weird.  

I woke up this morning thinking, which is great, I don't feel brain dumb anymore.  I thought  it would be fun for you guys and me and anyone that reads this that is going through this at any stage, to start a little list of potions I have had.  I am sure this list will grow and will be a seperate post labeled: A List of Potions..