Treatment and all that Jazz

I sure was hoping that I wasn't going to need chemo.  But ALL Triple Negative breast cancer patients get it.  It is all we have.  My final diagnosis is T1c.  I am a stage 1, which is awesome!  I did catch it early!!  But what he doesn't like is that I am a Triple Negative.  The numbers look like this for me.  One in 6 will get a second recurrence within the first two years.  Which freaks me out a little.  Driving home we were on a little road that merged us onto the West Seattle bridge.  I told D, its like all of us cars are Triple Negative Breast Cancer Survivor's and one of six cars will just blow up.  It will get that cancer back.  

Those odds are not that great.  I am mean, should I be happy that one in six of my friends could die?  No, I don't think that is good.  But, if I want to put on the happy hat with all its charms and whistles sure, I only have a 15% chance., that's low.  My margins around the tumor were all good except the back one.  The Doc's like to get a 1cm all around the tumor and the back one is 1mm.  He said he was happy with that and so was the surgeon because in the back, the Pectoralis Major muscle is a sheath that stops/protects the cancer from spreading.  This isn't that reassuring and even D said, I hope you don't get to worried about that.  He said he could see my overtly expressive face freaking out about it, or maybe he can see the springs in my brain popping over it.  This whole thing is unnerving.

There always seems to be some twist to make me never feel safe.  I am settling or learning how to settle into the true unknown's I get to live with for the rest of my life.  My Oncologist that I always want to hug goodbye, said that after 5 years, my numbers of recurrence drop tremendously.  So it looks like I will be crossing my fingers, for five years thanks to my tumor not being positive for any of these hormones.   

I will be starting treatment after they have harvested my eggs, so in about two weeks.  We are getting our floors refinished probably next weekend, so that monday, maybe the 21st.  I will let you know.  My chemo will be for 4 months.  I will have A/C and T, probably Taxol.  Then I will get 3 weeks off for good behavior and then 6 or so weeks of radiation and then I will be done!!  

The Flood Gates are Wide Open

I was thinking last week that it had been almost a week since I cried last.  Today, watch out I couldn't stop crying, and I am not a crier.  We went to the fertility clinic this morning and set up my plan.  The girl who stopped taking birth control pills about eight years ago because I was worried I would get some horrible disease, today agreed to taking DOUBLE doses of birth control pills for the next ten days.  My angels have orchestrated an unbelievable timing that fits perfectly into my timeline of healing from surgery, harvesting eggs, and then starting treatment without delay.  The ride home was very rough and upsetting, so many decisions in just two weeks.  

I left the city for the afternoon and visited friends out on Vashon Island.  I got great news while out there, I do not have the BRCA 1 or 2 genes.  So that means no mastectomy on either of my breast.  I will heal much faster with the lumpectomy.  Phew, that was a huge hurdle to jump through.  I have had a day of running into people that I love and I would just start crying. My heart got opened up and I am thrilled that I am not a carrier and I am also so sad that I don't have anything to blame.  There is simply no excuse.  Absolutely no excuse as to why I have cancer.  Crazy.

  

Have I been depressed?

Today I think I am happier than I have been or maybe I have just been able to keep my head above the water for a while now.  I am not a depressed person, nor would I ever let myself indulge in that but I think I was on a bit of a gloomy cloud the past few days.  What snapped me out of it was remembering what my Oncologist said to me, who is very fatherly by the way, and what he said was, "Hold onto that 50% chance," when he was talking to me about being able to have my own kids naturally.

 I have been forcing myself to focus on the positive's.  But I also had my share of self-indulgent mourning of the fertility that I chose to get stuck in for about a week.  One day D said, " You know this fertility isn't apart of the cancer, the insurance doesn't even cover it, it is a separate thing."  But it isn't.  It is and was all thrown at me, and since I am a woman and since this is my body, it was apart of me being diagnosed with having breast cancer.  I think for a guy it may be different.  For D, he just wants me to focus on ME getting better and not all of these "other" things.  Which now about 75% of me gets.  I have gotten letters from all the mom's in my life saying for me to focus on myself right now.  The kids will come in whatever form they will.  Spiritually I understand this and I can say 99% of me believes this.  But it was a lot to move through.  It was a huge hurdle.

 I am over it now.   I had to, today I had to move on.  I chose to open my heart to the fact that I am going to choose to will my body to be restored to a healthier me when this is all done.  So today is a good day because I am happy again, or is it that little control freak in me that feels in control again.  

I saw my new Naturopathic Doc today that specializes in Oncology.  She said that I was eating everything that I should be.  The only thing she wants to add to my diet is Fish Oil, which I learned during Chemo is better than Flaxseed oil.  Luckily I like Carlson's Lemon flavor, its made in Norway.  She said she see's a lot of woman that are healthy like me that want to be able to blame something.  I felt the tears swell up inside me as this is how I feel.  I just want to say, "Ah-ha!  There is that damn little culprit."  If this genetic test comes back negative, I will never be able to say what "evil" stole this time from me.  I will get to have that be one of those mysteries.  I can make it a good mystery in my head, like the way both my husband and I felt like we should go to the Van Gogh exhibit on opening day, and how we met there. 

D and my younger sister thought I should add a post as to how the lump was discovered.  I simply noticed one day that there was a lump.  I second guessed myself for a few days, and to not be an alarmist I mentioned oh, so chalantly to D on the coach one night that I thought I had a lump in my breast.  I had him feel it and he said that I should go get it checked out.  I waited about a week, as you know how life throws all our little stressful to-do's at us, until D mentioned to me if I had made that appointment yet.  No, I hadn't and the reason I am writing this isn't that I found the lump myself, it is that I was then going to ignore the fact that I found the lump.  I was scared and didn't want to think about it.  Plus, everyone under the sun was saying it was just a cyst.  So, if I had listened to everyone and if I hadn't made that appointment than I would've put it off until next year.  Next year would have come and I would have at some point made my yearly exam appointment and maybe then it would've been questioned.  

Lesson here, if you find a lump don't wait and second guess yourself, that's what doctor's are for.  

Familial Strands

Funny that yesterday morning I spoke to two friend's one who is my age and the other who is older, and they both said that their grandmother's, their mother's, and aunts had had breast cancer.  The older one of coarse "for preventative" measures had just recently gone to do the genetic testing with the same genetic counselor I saw.  But when the younger one told me that, "You know its something people would like to not think about."  This attitude is what kills women.  If this was a mandated test with complimentary care for positive gene carries with family ties like this it would save the insurance companies so much money.  It would help to prevent breast cancer and all of the long term effects it has on a woman's body.  I told my young friend that she needed to think about it and go get tested.  If all of those women in her immediate family have struggled and luckily they all survived it, she needs to take control now while she has control.

On a side note, this maybe one of the few times that I can say I agreed with what Bush has done while being President.  But a month ago, he signed and passed The Genetic Test law that those that are tested cannot be discriminated against and not given health insurance.

I couldn't sleep at all last night, and neither could D.  I had "cancer" dreams all night, and he stayed up worrying about me and our house that is almost done.  The house thing is just part of doing a job and having the kind of meticulous brain he has.  He will walk thru the house over and over and any problems that arise he will not be able to let it go until he comes up with a way to fix it.  So my poor husband slept as little as I did.  This morning I will try to let him sleep in.   The sister in me likes and REALLY enjoys waking people up.  Early.  Its the brat in me, but it brings me such joy.  Joy that I will not indulge in this morning.  Crap, I hate doing the right thing sometimes.

I've been thinking lately too about my last conversation with a young survivor.  She told me that one day I would be a survivor.  D had posed this same question as I designed my (I'm such a Capricorn) blog cards so that I can give them to people, " I see that you have- 33 year old Survivor.  Do you think that the Real Survivor's will be offended."  I said, " I don't care because in my mind and body I have survived already.  I am going to survive, and I've been living with this cancer for a while now albeit unknowingly.  I am a survivor."  I feel that anyone that has had cancer and they've recently got diagnosed or they recently have passed from this disease is a Survivor.  There is absolutely no difference, other than a mental difference and time and the struggle.  But I am a Survivor.  I am going to make it through this, I just don't know what "this" is yet.  I could say- 33 year old Virgin Survivor.

    

Not a pocket full of posies

I am pissed this morning.  As I lay in bed under my fuzzy flannel sheets, I started thinking about breast feeding.  I have to.  Just incase you guys didn't get this earlier, I have wanted to be a mom badly, I mean badly my whole life.  When I was a little girl I babysat for anyone in my neighborhood.  My doll collection that I still have were my little babies and I often would pretend I was breast feeding them right along my mother's side, as she fed my brother. 

Thoughts came to my head as I was under the sheets and I started getting so mad.  I understand that anger is a base emotion, and I understand that it is my sadness that is fueling it right now.  But if that gene comes back positive and I choose out of sheer statistics to remove my breasts (which is the no brainer choice for MY body, maybe not yours but for mine) and  I don't get a chance to nurture a young one in this way, oh.  Watch out.  I am going to loose my mind.  I mean it, loose it.  All the things that I have read for years will no longer be possible for me.

I won't be able to give birth and put my baby to my breast and feed the little tiger.  I won't be able to feel the benefits of oxytocin being released through my body and getting the baby high from nursing.  I won't be able to walk around with a pad in my bra because of the "let down" reaction.  I won't feel a "let down".  I won't be in the kitchen making muffins and hear my baby cry and have my breast start pumping that milk.  I won't have the accidental let down in public if I hear another baby cry.  Do you wonder if I really meant it now when I say, " All I've thought about is having a baby."  I could be crying over nothing, maybe I won't have that gene.  I hope the Genetic Counselor is right this time around, and the other Doc's are wrong.  That would be nice.  I wonder if I will be able to breast feed with the breast that has cancer in it if I just do the lumpectomy?  That sounds like from my ignorance a bad thing.  Like a dirty thing that I wouldn't want my precious little one to be near.  My breast that had cancer in it.  Would there be a transfer of any little particles in the tiniest amount at all??  Not that this is shrouding in the tiniest amount my decision to either do or not do a mastectomy.  Because right now I haven't been faced with the genetic answers yet.  

As I take in a deep breath, I am breathing in the sun's rays deep into my body and breathing out all this sadness and I am going to go through my day staying in the present moment.  All of these fears can stay here.  In Wonka Land, up in the " TV Mikey" room of space in the sky.  For those of you that haven't watched Willy Wonka as obsessively as I have in my life (maybe 200 times) you have a fun movie to watch tonight!    

All too fast and painful

Have any of you watched Deal or No Deal?  If not, it's a game show that people have the chance to try to win a million dollars.  I like to watch this show because right before your eyes you get to see someone forgo a whopping $200,000- $300,000 in hope that they get the million bucks. I am always screaming at the TV, "Take the Deal!!"  Seriously, they walk in with zero bucks and they could walk out with a nice little chunk.  I am not that much of a risk taker.

I am a risk taker that likes to jump off of bridges into a known natural swimming pool.  This "known" is the key.  I wouldn't do that if other people hadn't, and the older I get these risks are getting fewer and farer between.  This is the exact thing we, D and I are dealing with this morning. Fertility.  As most of you know, D has been trying to figure out if he wants to have kids and with all of this he has moved to a closer place of possibly wanting them.  I totally respect his decision either way. I have to.  I am not one of those woman that would poke a whole in a condom and say, "oops."  So today we got a call from the fertility nurse.  We, D and I didn't know that there are two types of freezing eggs/sperm.  In fact I didn't know the sperm was even an option.  D is supportive of me freezing my eggs, if I feel that I have to do that.  It's my body.

He is just not into freezing our embryo's, at least in the, "right now you have to decide because we have to move on this as my cancer treatment has to move forward, right now."  This is the deal.  My Oncologist says that some of the women my age return from Menopause, if the chemo forces them into it.  D's point is that this is all IF's.  IF I go into menopause, if I don't go out of menopause, and if, if.  This is all too much, too soon for him.  A month ago he was dead set on not wanting kids, with the not for sure still being tossed around.  Now, he realizes that he may and so he has to decide now.  Now if he wants to risk not getting to have a biological son/daughter with me, if I am unable to due to my treatments.  My Dad says just pull back, just freeze your eggs.  If I just freeze my eggs it is a 20% chance that they will be able to make an embryo when we are ready.  Since eggs are so fragile, this is not the greatest of odds.  If we freeze an embryo the chances go to 60% that we would be successful, they aren't as fragile.  This just sucks.  I need to be focusing on getting well and not on wether or not I am going to be able to have kids in the future.  It is so much all at once.  I have a call into the Oncologist.  We need the stats.  

D is a numbers guy and we need to know, do all the young woman my Doc works with go out of menopause/return to normal? If so, then are we worrying over nothing?  But if there are woman that don't return to normal, then I will just be freezing my eggs, and not our embryo.  D said, it is just wrong, just not natural.  My point is that none of this is natural.  If I wasn't going to do the super science of Chemo (very unnatural) I would probably be dead in the next few years. We are all dealing with this news of my having cancer the best we can and as fast we can, and dealing with all the unknown's the best we can.    There is only so much both D and I can move through in a matter of a week.  

Last night on Oprah an incredilbe man said that roadblocks aren't for stopping us, they are put in our lives to help us see how much we want something.  This is one of those times.  

++++++++

I just got back from the gym.  While I was on the treadmill my athlete rose inside me again, and shared this story with me.  Even though I fell overboard in a huge stormy sea, the team (you guys and D) threw me a dingy.  Right now I am swimming towards that dingy and getting hit in the face and gulping air and fighting for my life, fighting to get to that damn dingy.  I know I am going to make it and I know that I am going to paddle to the big boat with all of my loved ones. While I am getting back to all of you, and D, you're going to be cheering me on, and wiping the tears off my face.   But I am the one who is in the Sea and Dingy named Breast Cancer.  I am the only one that is going to be a Survivor and if all I have once I get on board is that 20% to have kids, I am going to take it.  So, regardless I've decided to get my eggs frozen.  The embryo thing is intense.  D even said, "I'm surprised you want to do it."  Funny how when your are faced with severe options our choices become at times wider than we'd ever imagined.  And D isn't in the sea with me, and if I go to his side of things I do totally understand how "icky" or "wrong" freezing our unborn, pre-fetus, embryo's this option is.  

So, I've got that 20% and I am going to take it because that is what I have to do.  End of story.  I am not going to let cancer potentially take what I value the most in life.  I refuse.  I am going and will be a mother someday.  I want nothing more.  Nothing more.

++++++

I've been waiting to post this to my blog till I talk to my doctor, he should call sometime this evening.  I spoke with a young survivor today, who got breast cancer when she was 30.  Funny how she was sent my way today because she is one of those woman that didn't go back from menopause.  She wasn't able to freeze eggs, and later in her life, she met the man of her dreams and got married and they adopted a little girl.  She made a few good points to me, points that in my franticness of the moment tried overlooking.  One of the main points is this, to be able to do the egg retrieval they need to wait till my second day of my next moon.  Which I just finished, so I am out for a month already.  At which point they will give me estrogen or progesterone or both, I can't remember right now.  For two to three weeks I am on those med's and then they can start doing the egg retrieval.  So this whole fertility trying to get my egg thing is pushing my VERY needed cancer treatment out for about two months.  This is what does not sound good to me. 

The other point she made is that cancer feeds off of something.  Like I said in earlier posts. My Triple Negative feeds off of something they just don't know what.  If my body is pumped full of these hormones, which cancer usually feeds on am I increasing my chances of giving my cancer a party?  A party that wants to go visit all of its neighbors, like my ovaries?  No Doctor is going to be able to say yes or no to this.  There is not enough information about Triple Negative yet.  

My new cancer survivor friend also said, " You have to remember, you are the most important thing right now.  Getting you cancer free as soon as possible.  Getting you healthy."  I cannot agree with her more.  Since I have such an aggressive form of cancer, is it worth waiting?  What if my fight is super hard, super super hard.  What if in the back of my mind did we wish that I hadn't waited to start treatment.  We know it is in my lymph node(s) so speed is important, right.  Get it done.  Like yesterday!  Or am I just trying to talk myself out of this?  The woman I spoke with today also said a great thing," Don't you want to know what your chances are when you do beat this, for you to be able to conceive a baby naturally?"  The other thing is if we wait 3 weeks to get the genetic tests back, and If (oh, the freakin' if's) I am positive for one of the whopper's do I want to inflict that 50-60% chance on my kids of them getting breast cancer?  That is something I do not even for a second have to think about that is a no.  

So, I am left, waiting for my Oncologist to call and spew this all out to him.  He will wait and do whatever I want.  This is my game I am playing.  My Deal or No Deal.  If I didn't want Chemo, he would say okay.  But I do want chemo and I do want my own kids, but this waiting to be treated thing is also something I do not want to do.  There is too much empty time filling up and allowing my precious healthy cells in my body to be sabotaged by those evil little sick cancer cells.  I am exhausted, yes.  I feel like today was the worst day I've had except the day I found out I have breast cancer.  I am playing God, and I am asking my husband to play God too. It is so wrong.  I am starting to look at this whole thing as, look this is in the hands of something greater than I.  If I am meant to have my own kids, I will be able to snap out of the Menopause and have my own kids.  If not, I have friends that adopted two beautiful little girls and I know they couldn't be more loved or love than they do.  I think I've come to my answer.  I'll wait to talk to my Doctor.

++

My Doctor just called. He said one thing that just put it all to rest, if one of you doesn't want to do it, move forward.  

He also told me that no one is going to treat me with this fertility thing until we have my pathology.  We won't get this until surgery, and then we will have to wait a week or so to get my results.  If the cancer has moved to many nodes and if its a super nasty tumor, he very well may suggest that we not delay treatment.  Which couldn't start until I heal from my surgery.  If its just in a node and not a nasty tumor than he said he may say I have the six weeks it will take to get my eggs.  He also said that there are no stats available, and if someone tries to tell me otherwise they are simply not true.  There is absolutely no way to have stats that prove if someone hadn't delayed treatment six weeks if their outcome was better or if the hormones they pumped me with did anything to the cancer.  

He told me to wait until after surgery and we will all know more then.  I did ask him what my chances of being able to bear my own kids when done with chemo, not great.  They are 40 to 50%.  Chemotherapy is so toxic.  Crazy, thanks for going through this with me.  Today was the worst day, maybe more than getting cancer.  I have officially had the most precious thing for me possibly being taken from me.  

  

Genes and not much more..

Today was my genetics appointment with the Genetics Counselor Robert Resta, or as he suggested Your Majesty.  Great guy, D and I loved talking with him.  He thinks that I do not have any of the genes that caused this cancer. He said that one week he is right the other week my Oncologist is right.  It is such a new science that they are learning new things each day and sometimes they just don't have any answers for you.  Unless you have one of six known genes.  He is certain I do not have four of the genes.  That leaves BRCA 1 and BRCA 2.  The test will take between two and three weeks to get the results.  I know, everyone is wondering if this cancer is so aggressive why haven't I had surgery yet.  Well, we needed to get the results from last week and this week.  My appointment with my Surgeon is on Thursday, he is coming in before hours to meet with us as he is slammed.  We'll be crossing the bridge over to Bellevue around 6 A.M.  

The thing is is that me getting cancer at age 33 is uncommon but this is starting to happen more or more.  Or the Doc's are just starting to look for it and are catching it more and more. Plus I am a Triple Negative so this points towards a gene, or a mutated gene so I betcha the Surgeon will want to wait to get my results.  I hope not, but who know's.  I am in the best hands in this city, and am putting their suggestions in their hands.  Whatever they tell me to do, I am going to do.  The cancer has probably been in my body for a while, and waiting two more weeks to make sure I do not have the BRCA's is a good idea.  No need to have one surgery and then have to go back in and have another breast removed.  Plus, I am totally speculating that my right breast will need to be taken off.  It is just moving in that direction.  I will know more on Thursday. 

 I also got an Eccho Cardio Gram done today.  I think that is what it is called.  It's an ultrasound of my heart.  It enababled the Doc's to know if I have a heart murmur, (I don't think I have one) and it also gives my Doc's a base line.  This might be because some Chemo treatments are hard on the heart. If my treatment does get hard on my heart they will be able compare my heart to pre-chemo to make sure I am okay.  I am just going through the days now.  Like a little ant.  I have a specific trail that I have to follow home and I am now done with this bit of testing!! Yeah!!

Don't make that face..

When I was a kid, one of my favorite books was about this kid that used to make the most horrid faces imaginable.  But one day, much like today (as its terribly windy here) the wind changed and his face wasn't able to change back to normal.  I kind of felt like that today.  

D said a very sweet thing to me this morning, after my sister left.  He said, " I want our old lives back."  Simple.  Cutting.  Sweet, and Painful. " Yeah, maybe in a year," I said.  I think both of us know that our lives will never be the same.  I felt the life in me fill my heart today so I got dressed and went to my office and finished some paperwork on a few of the houses I'd just sold.  Walking into my office I got a hug from everyone and tried to not to cry.  Looking and listening to everyone working hard on their houses, I felt a little jealous.  I just cannot believe that I am on hold.  I'm on hold because despite what most people think, Realtors work their butts off and it is an incredibly stressful job.  A job that I knew I wouldn't be able to give my 110% to. 

I got to do my first massage today since we got the news.  I like to think of my massage practice as my walking mediation practice.  It felt so good to focus on someone else's body for a while.  A body that is in good health, a body that is working the way it should.  How is it that none of my Doctors found this lump in the past few years, or in my last exam four months ago?How is it that I was overlooked?  My Oncologist says its because most Doctors will never see cancer in younger woman in their entire careers, so they don't think out of the box when doing exams.  They just don't think its possible.

I got a manicure today.  The ladies all know my name, as I walk in they say, "Hello, Heather."  They asked me how I was, and I explained that I had breast cancer.  I told her I was 33, and she said, "Me too."  Quickly, they bantered back and forth and she explained to them all, in another language, one that I don't know, that I had breast cancer.  I told them next time I see them, I might not have hair.  How crazy is that.  "Your hair is so beautiful, are you sad?"  

I am sad, and sure my ego is sad and threatened that it will loose these locks.  Will I just go bald? Maybe I'll wear a scarf and a hat.  When my sister was here she told me that five years ago, she got fourteen inches cut off her hair for Locks of Love.  The biggest surprise was that she had never given it away, that she still had it.  Unbelievable!!  I love it, I actually might be able to have a wig with my sisters hair.  How cool, but do I want a wig?  Isn't the wig, for everyone else?

When my mom was in the nursing home, since she had a stroke at 54, and was paralyzed she didn't ever leave the home.  Eventually she just shaved her head, it was easier to take care of and she had no one to impress.  I wonder what I will do.  At the Oregon Country Fair, one of my favorite summer festivals I used to love to dress up and wear wigs.  I was able to morph into a freer me.  I just don't know about this.  We all know its ego.  I mean really, if I was on a deserted island would I care if I had to shave my head?  If someone left a wig on a rock, would I wear it around?  Yes, the girl in me that likes to dress up would.  And yes, the girl in me that likes to braid my hair might.  I just can't believe I have breast cancer.  It's crazy.

So yes, the wind is blowing and my life has changed and my life is never going to be the same.  That is what I didn't say to D this morning.  That for the better or the worse, my life and his life has changed.  When I get healthy again, and when I go into remission, our lives still have been changed.  The life of waking up in the morning and taking everything for granted is over.  Simply over.  

Today was the day that my Dad and I got to trace all the cancer in our family.  Back to my grandparents on both sides.  Tomorrow morning we are meeting with my Genetic Doctor and will start to learn if I have the genes that pre-dispose me to getting breast cancer.  On my Dad's side only my Nana had it and she had six brother's and sisters.  On my mother's side, my grandma had skin cancer on her face-no big deal- and my grandpa had hand cancer.  Neither died of cancer.  I am hoping I do not have one of the known six genes.  But I kind of wouldn't mind either because at least there could be some kind of blame.  I want to point one of my fingers at something.  D is always saying I have a little detective in me.  I'm that person driving down the road that looks for drunks, or calls 911 when I see a reckless driver.  He always laughs at me, but hey, if I can help the little detective in me loves to do it.  I'd make a great cop.  

Today I was out with all the "normal" people and starting to face the fact that my body is going to change and morph into a new butterfly.  I am a little nervous about it.  End of story.  I am just nervous.  Here comes lots of yoga and meditation and soul searching like my hippie days of the past have never seen.  I get to look square in my eye, an eye that may not have eye lashes for long.

 

The not so great news

We went to my Oncologist Doc for the first time today.  He is everything anyone of us could hope for.  If your child got cancer you'd want to see him.  He is loving, intuitive, blunt, witty, a good winker (reassuring both of us in a physical body way), loves what he does, words just don't work here.  He is the first Doctor that I felt like I could hug.  The first Doctor that I know I will know or be in contact with for the rest of my life.  The kind of Doctor that looks in a scared young married couples eyes and says with great certainty when asked by my husband, that he's heard that this could possibly not be curable, that, "That's bullshit."  

He is my Doctor.  I love it.  We can beat this.  But its not the Rosie picture we had gotten on Monday.  In fact this picture may yet again change.  I may wake up from surgery, and find out the story has changed.  Since I made a super long post earlier today I will be quick, if that is possible.  I doubt it will be.  D's three categorizes which are helpful for me to not get overwhelmed.  First its the tumor and the cancer in my body.  Second its Fertility, and Third its Genetics.  My cancer is to quote the Doc, " A nasty aggressive kind."  It has not been feeding on Progesterone or Estrogen nor on the Growth Hormone, Her2Nu.  It is a Triple Negative.  This is what my Doc is not happy about.  He is happy with the size.  We found out it is not as small as they had projected earlier.  It seems to be a 2.2 cm's.  This number could change in surgery.  It could be bigger or smaller, its just hard to say.  

When  tumors are over 2 cm's they like to refer to this as Stage 2.  I have stage 2 breast cancer.  This could change as well, and again we'll know more after surgery.   My Doctor likes that it looks like it is confined, but as we looked at my pics from this week together, he found a possible other site in my breast.  It appears that only one lymph node has cancer in it.  But like he said, "In surgery they may find that others have cancer and they may need to pull out globs of them."  I like that he said that, it was intense but a true statement.   He is saying a possibility.  Few doctor's so far have been upfront with us like this.  They've been more protective, saying the better outcomes, instead of saying, "Hey, this may be the way it is." This also means that if more nodes are involved and if it is spread out in my breast more, I will choose to go back and loose that boob.   There is good news, I won't have to take any Hormone drugs for ten years.  Bad news, the Cancer Doctors of the world don't know enough about this Triple Negative to know how bad it is.  My Doctor is actually one of the Docs that is actively researching, Triple Negative Breast Cancer.

Since my Cancer is so Nasty, I get to do Chemo.  This will hopefully kill any microscopic cancer cells that have entered my fluid channels in my body, from my lymph system.  My cancer is aggressive and I will need to have one of the most aggressive forms of treatment.  My Doc looked me in the eye and told me I am going to loose my hair, I will need to go wig shopping.  I wonder if I can make my wig out of my own hair?   My chemo will be for 20 weeks, give or take a week.  Usually people get sick for 2-3 days after the treatment.  Some people don't get sick at all.   Regardless, everyone feels like they were hit by huge truck.  Since I need chemo, I will need to see a Fertility Doc this week.  I am going to need to freeze my eggs for the day in years to come they tell me I am in remission.  As I do not want to have kids until I know I licked this thing.

On a fun note.  Those that know me well know that I have always wanted twins.  They run in my family.  But now, my baby's will be made in a little petri dish and then placed inside me.  I would guess.  Maybe not, but pretty sure.  So the good news is that my chances of having twins has now just doubled!!  Onto the Genetics part.  Since my tumor is so nasty and aggressive he is pretty sure that it is genetic.  Like 95% sure.  If it is, we will take both my breasts.  I am the kind of person that knows I cannot lie in bed hoping that the cancer doesn't come back.  Because when you have the gene, your chances are 50-60% that they will.  This also means that I will in my early forties start being bugged by my Doc to have a hysterectomy.  If I get cancer anywhere else in my body, even if its in my lungs, it will be breast cancer in the lungs.  

D wanted to know if we caught it early.  No, we didn't, but luckily its not that far along.  Yes, it is curable, and yes, I will fight a good fight.  We all wish for the best.  As every being on this planet, this is how we cope.  So that we can manage what is on our plates in this life.  If we couldn't pray, meditate, walk, smile, write, and hope this would all not be manageable.  All of life's challenges.  But my breast cancer is manageable. My brain has done a wonderful thing for me this week.  It has simply shut down.  I am simply in the Twilight Zone, in shock, and bless this place of being.  Blessed Shock!!