The ever living Ghost of Once was

Its taken me a few days of retracing and dissecting what I learned about myself, from my 20 mile run last Saturday. Happily, and reverently I am thankful I ran out on Vashon Island. This island, as you all know by now, is one of my heart places in this world. Its a safe place for me. A retreat. My sanctuary. I ran from the Northend ferry south alongside the Westside highway, ending my run around a loop that is called the Burton loop. Since I was 17, I have ran that loop off and on, it is three miles from my favorite little coffee stand.

The first ten miles were met by spring's multi-hued palettes of green. Buds pushing out into bright fushcia Salmonberry blossoms. I past a creek that years ago, I had reached after hours of crawling through various tight brambles and walking fallen trees in a ravine miles upstream. Remembering how happy I was to reach the Puget Sound after such an adventurous trek, by myself. I ran past the memories of friends homes, of parties, of stories, of births, of dreams that have morphed into the stories I now tell. I ran past the house I rented last summer to celebrate my one year anniversary. I wrote poems in my head of all these things.

As I run, I break up the long miles into quarters, so every 5 miles I got closer to being done. The closer to my own private victory.

As I reached the little town of Burton, I raised my arms in victory, being that I only had four miles left. I started to cry a little, but had to stop because my lungs hurt with the irregular gasps from crying, when I am already pushing them hard. I stopped for a moment, and looked out at the view of Maury Island (Vashon is connected by a little isthmus to Maury Island) and said, "You did it, Heather."

Running is just for me. It brings me deeper into me. I get to learn how my mind works, how it would like to trick me into stopping. How in the pain (and I am in pain as I run these longer runs) the mind can tell me different stories, all stories that are from past experiences/stories about how I should stop. I travel with these stories, and then imprint new stories. Stories of, "Remember, when you were sick? Remember how bad you felt? If you got through that, you can push through for a few more miles."

Running allows me to heal further. To regain parts of me that were defeated. So, in that moment(s) of raising my arms in victory, I shook my fists..I did it. Victory is so sweet. Growth as a human, is so sweet. This victory is no ones, but mine.

A few of my nearest and dearest will be at the finish line. The symbolism of their support is huge for me. Before cancer, it was nearly impossible to allow myself to receive this kind of support. I was always trying to prove to myself, how I could do everything on my own. How strong I was. Cancer broke this down. I learned how to be vulnerable. I learned how to be soft AND strong. I learned to risk asking for what I needed, and then being okay with whatever answer I got. As I run through the finish line, and celebrate that night with my beloveds, we will be celebrating Life.

I am ready for the marathon now. I am glad I have a few weeks to rest up, and heal from the 20 miles.

A wee side note...I wanted to thank two of my Mom's in this life. Debbie and Kathy, for meeting me after my run. They drove me back to my car at the Northend. But not before retracing my entire run, and filling me up with so much love, celebration, praise, and encouragement. Those hills sure did seem bigger in the car! Your love brings tears to my eyes as I write this. I sure am lucky, to be loved as I am. I will remember this part of the celebration for ever. Hugs.

D Day

This is the last that you'll hear of D. He and I are divorcing (another D) and he has asked that I not talk about him here. I am thankful that he allowed/compromised his private life as long as he did to allow me to write about "our" journey together. At times using his inital. Big ol' nutshell. He realized after our marriage that he rightfully does not want to have kids, I have never changed my mind.
And even if I do not get out of this chemopause, I will use my solo eggs I have (I was not strong enough to listen to reason, and begged and begged for us to make embryo's and waisted 3 of my precious 6) and hopefully that does the trick. But if not, there are lots of wonderful incredible babies in this world that are just waiting to be loved with all the love I have to give and more in this world.
Yes, this is too soon. But we have pushed it to a point, that home has been not home for years and its easier to get all the hurt, all the stress out now, than to wait and get the stress and hurt out later. Life is difficult, and beautiful, and there is never a good time to as my friend says, cleave. So, off to cleaving, and crying, and sobbing, and mourning this inevitable loss.
Lesson learned, many. Will I make this same mistake again, no way.
Its easy in life to over look what you don't want to see. Love is a coyote. Our job is to be present and not live in the future when we fall in love, but to be present and witness what is really there. The maiden, that did this has gratefully blossomed into a woman because of the past few years, and the woman in me will live in the present from here on out. So mote it be.

Someone's stepping on the hose

Okay. For all you mom's out there. I am back in room 705, at Swedish. I got in touch with my Onc and he had me check myself into the ER. He said that the cardiologist and the on-call Onc would meet me here. One of the messages of this post is that miscommunication happens, and you must be on your tippee toes to be your own advocate, constantly. Because ER doc wanted to give me, himself, alone the diuretic..Which 4 doc's have been debating for an entire week. The reason being is this..Hold on it gets deep...
Okay. Here's the deal. There are two water problems in my body right now and they are related. One being that my whole body is swollen with fluid. The way a body typically gets rid of this fluid is that it gets into your blood vessels and gets pumped through, by your heart, and eventually your kidneys pee it out. Here comes the second water problem. Which is, there is a pocket of water around my hear that is squeezing it. Which makes my heart beat as fast as if I was running. Which is insane. So..its working hard enough doing its thing, (very healthfully i will add) but it can't handle anything more. Like getting rid of my the water in my body. Which has caused a literal backup in my body. Its a vicious cycle.
So the problem with diuretics is two things. THe first thing is that it works on the first fluid problem, the fluid in my legs and everywhere else. Not the fluid around my heart and lungs, which by the way is worse now than last week, says the x-rays and another eccho tonight. The second problem with diuretics is that it lowers the amount of water in my vessels which means that squeezing around my heart would be allowed to squeeze my heart even more. Which would cause low blood pressure. And this would be dangerous.
So...they have now decided to do the heart tap, so that hopefully the vicious back-up problem can be fixed. I of coarse have feelings about this. But that is tomorrow or the next day.

My friend Tamara came and met me at the ER because I was very scared and sad and scared some more. I will write more later. I don't know how this is all going to work out. I am sure I won't die from getting my heart punctured. But just in case, I want to let those of you that know me, know that I love you all. And I have lived a wonder-filled life. And I do not regret anything. I have LIVED! I am just saying this, not to be melodramatic, but because often people hide and don't share how they really feel. So there you go!

****

I am going through my blog, as I write my book years later. February 1, 2012 to be exact. This is the one post that I must change..

Now, I no longer am protecting D. To go back to the phone call my Doc and I had. The one he told me to go to the ER. Well, I was in such debilitating pain, that that night I had a CT scan because they were all afraid I was having a heart attack. I thought I was as well. That is how badly I hurt. Do you know what D said when I said, We have to go to the ER? Sorry, I can't go. I need a break. I am not going to cancel my dinner plans with my friend and we are going to see a show. I can come see you tomorrow. Fuck him. I was so incredibly hurt by this. I was his wife at this point. But a wife that was starting to see the man I had chosen for myself. I was the type of woman that did everything around the house, even during treatment. I still tried grocery shopping, even if I had to ask someone at the grocery to push my cart through the isles. This sucked, and hurt, and tore a huge irreparable whole in my heart allowing me to see that the marriage I'd signed up for, was always, going to be about him.

Feeling Icky

Today was a good day. I went grocery shopping and layed around most of the day. I made zucchini muffins. My first baking experiment with agave nectar. They turned out incredible and very tasty. Didn't miss the sugar at all and they didn't have a weird taste to them, like using Stevia. As the day progressed I started turning bright red again, my cheeks are burning in fact. And I feel like I have the flu. Hopefully tomorrow is a good day. My mother in law came down for the day and it was nice to have someone around giving my love pats.

Not sleeping

My sis and I grew up sharing a room. I was the neat freak and she was the one with the apple under her bed. Needless to say, one day I got the almighty Roll Of Duck Tape and made a line down the middle of our room. That way my weeble wobbly's and fischer price guys could be set up in constant play and I didn't have to worry about cleaning her side of the room. Last night or I guess still tonight, I slept in the same bed with her. I love her so much. This snuggly brought back childhood memories and a comfort that is only shared with a sister. I have been up off and on since 1 am. The first round, I ate a cup of Plain LF Nancys yogurt and now, a bowl of kick ass buffalo chili my fridn Nic brought by earlier in the week. Its so good. I am not sure if I'll be able to get myself to fall asleep again. The steroid induced weight gain came on again yesterday. My doc, (tink by the way) said its usual and I am okay. Even the very not talked about because I was afraid of talking about "crazy" things on her that the 6th day I loose my mind for about 45 minutes. I have to force myself to lay down and not to think because my mind starts racing faster than my other mind and I fragment. No worries with that, just a lovely side effect of the chemo and steroid use together. Both just working their way out of my sysytem. I am crossing my fingers that it doessn't happen this time again.
Over all this chemo was better than the other two. Yesterday was a bad day. I hope today isn't a bad day. My joints really really hurt and I had to take an ativan just to be able to handle the persistant *reaking pain last night. I'm supposed to take those every night, and I do, but I took it a little early. They are supposed to help me sleep. But they don't. As you can see. I watched the stand up to cancer thing yesterday. My sis and I held hands and she cried. I couldn't cry anymore. You know, the tears would have been "poor me" tears and my sis was doing enough of those for me that it made me feel good and empowered. Damn cancer. Wears that Fuck cancer hat. My little noggin is cold. I wear it around the house. Haven't been bold enough to wear it on the streets of West Seattle. I think kids hear that word enough. They don't need to see a bald lady wearing it on her head.

Friends

Yesterday was a fun day to look forward to. Three of my old-time clients came over from Vashon to visit me. We went up to the notorious Bakery Nouveau and we had a little feast. Or should I say, I did and they had a nice lunch. I tried convincing them to splurge and eat up but they didn't take my suggestion! I wanted company in my pig out. This morning I asked D what he wanted for breakfast and he said, " I am full from the last three days, ah.. a bowl of yogurt and fruit." I had to check in with my stomach and the usual starved first thing in the morning wasn't happening. I guess I am finally satiated and so we had a small breakfast. I am going to Bumbershoot today and I got to go get dressed. Fun, fun, fun..

Cellulitis

This painful infection is slowly going away. What is crazy is that it all started, we think, from a teeny tiny little scratch the size of a needle head on my right pinky finger. My immune system is pretty lacking right now and due to the 3 nodes they took out of me, diseases like staph don't get filtered through my system as well as they once did. The doctor said that this may be something that I have to watch for for the rest of my life in my right arm. We'll have to see about that.
Now that I can type again, I will back pedal a bit. So, the little doctor that I am. I was 100% certain that I had simply done too many massages and I had developed a bad case of tendonitis in my thumb, that was Monday. On Monday, D suggested I cancel my massages and relax, and go to the doctors. I said no, and did the massages. Tuesday, I woke up and my hand was pounding out of my heart and I couldn't move my hand it was swollen so badly. I iced and iced, and it didn't help the inflammation at all. It just got worse. I called my doctor and told them. They said that they thought it was an infection. I told them I wanted to wait to see them for my scheduled chemo the next day, wednesday. Tuesday night came, and by then my hand was sending shooting nerve pains up into my shoulder and it was so bad I couldn't breath regularly. D suggested for me to take vicodin and I thought for the first time in my life, " Brillant idea." I really needed them. I took them every 2 hours, just a half tab. I am so freaked out by all the news there is about all these people getting addicted, so I use them sparingly. I ended up in the middle of the night realizing that 1/2 tab wasn't enough, the pain seemed to like 2 Advil too. So, that has been my diet for the past few days.
I was disappointed to find out that my chemo got cancelled because of this. I had family in town to help me out for this session, and now I am stuck with pulling through this one on my own. A few friends will come over and help watch me during the day, so that D can do the last minute touches on the house. Starting on Wed, I have been going to the hospital everyday and getting IV antibiotics. Today, I went thinking it was my last day. I thought this because last night the pain diminished and I stopped taking the pain med. The swelling went down enough to not put me in the hospital over the weekend, thank god. But, not enough for my doctor, so I got 3 days added of the IV antibiotic- sat, sun, and monday.
On Monday, we'll be at the hospital, (if I end up getting to do chemo) for close to 8 hours. I have a port test in the morning because since day 1, of it being used, I get a burning sensation whenever they put anything in me there. They say that shouldn't be happening. I think its alright, my intuition (however, it seems that that's been off with everything regarding this cancer crap) think that, but who knows. I am a very sensitive person, and so maybe I can feel inside my arteries? Who knows? After that test, I will get my IV antibiotic and then, possible chemo. I hope so. Its hard to get geared up for a possibility.
D, shaved my head last night. WIll get the pics up probably tomorrow. It looks good, as good as a mangy dog can look. My little bald head has hair and spots of no hair. I can't wait till its all gone and just a smooth little head.

Quick before I change!

I am wide awake. Full of various chemo anxietities and a new burning sensation, heart burn! I thought I'd write know, just in case in the morning I feel like crap again. I think I feel like Heather, at least I do right now. The waves are intense. The pain is horrible. I am not wanting to mince words and i am sure you're all glad I am not. It hurts down to my core. Last night I asked G, if she could feel me shaking. She wrapped her arms around my stomach and said, No. But then I placed her hands on my leg and then she could feel it. It is like the booster shot, is taking grab of my femur, tibia, and ulna bones and just shaking them. The shake goes up into my stomach were it circles around my sacrum and radiates out and around my hip bones. Incredible uncomfortable. For the Julie, that commented the other day, child birth is a breeze after chemo, thank you for saying that. I can, and will get through this.
Yesterday, I had a bit of a cry with G and D outside, on our new beautiful patio. I just cried and cried. Not so much Why me? But How Me? What could I have done differently? Why not a coach potatoe? Why not, okay, yes, there was some Why Me, mixed in there. I just don't want to be spending my summer doing this. Treatment for six months, it is so wrong. Soooo, I cried, they listened, and they pulled me out of the mud and gave me a pep talk, both of them. One would let me get down, the other would pick me up, and then they would change. Tomorrow D, is heading up north to get all of our staging furniture for the house. His Dad, Roger and brother Kale will help him move all the stuff down here, and then spend the day setting up the house! Thanks you guys!! We wouldn't be able to have gotten this all together if it wasn't for you.
I will have two babysitters. I cannot be left alone yet. My day yesterday, but mainly my brain is simply not working. Or at least it wasn't about 3 hours ago. Now, 1 am, here you are and my brain is working and there is a hunger that is unquenchable. The steroids they give you for anti-nausea are, "Eat NOW!! You ARE HUNGRY!! ORR...Your Going TO VOMIT." So, I eat. Usually the egg and toast, with Wildwood Aioli sauce, but right now I am sipping on some very bland, delicious I might ad, veggie soup. All the veggies are from my friend Dave's Organic farm, in Eugene. The difference between fresh produce and store bought is huge!!
So, in a few hours my friend, Maryam from work, is coming over to watch me in the morning, as G has to leave back to Toronto. And then my other Tamara, is coming from 12-5. Then my old time friend Ann Leda an Acupuncturist is making a house call to me to give me a very needed treatment. The other day, my also very old friend Lyn Solander, gave me a massage I think the day before Chemo. It is all a blur now, as I am a wreck. A very tired wreck. If I go back into bed, I will just lay there, tossing and turning and THINKING! This sucks. Off to check email. Read the paper. Who knows. Hopefully I'll be a easy baby to watch tomorrow guys. I am not getting that much sleep, about three hours worth. Maybe I'll just sleep right through.

Thoughts for D

My friend Leigh came by this morning and dropped off a bunch of collages that friends had made for me over on Vashon. As we talked, and as I showed her our house I was able to step back and remember how hard this is for my husband. There is absolutely no doubt in my mind how much he loves and adores me. And I feel so lucky to have such a rock of support with him through my journey. We are a young married couple with no kids. He hasn't had to face, as a father inevitably does once they have a child of not putting themselves first and thinking of someone else first. This freaking cancer thing is slowly causing this effect.
D is two weeks from being done with a full remodel. A, gut the house down to the studs and make a 3500 SQFT house absolutely stunning remodel. Not to mention the yardscape that is a remodel in and of it self. So in the middle of all this, that would stress anyone out to the high heavens my husband on a daily basis has been in his work clothes, and then has to come in change and drive me to doctor(s) appointments. Shifting from business man to scared out of his pants husband. Then, back home, change and back to being a business man. For the past 6 weeks I have undergone a lot of testing & surgery that has made me very sick. My body is so healthy that those poisons they have put in me were so foreign that my body just didn't handle them well.
Luckily my sister has been here a lot lately, D's mom came, and my Dad came, and a few people have helped with meals. All of this support has helped tremendously because frankly my husband is at his wits end. This beast couldn't have reared its head at a worst time in our lives. I have to check in with myself and feel for the depth of stress D is under right now. I am not going to allow myself to fee guility (as many survivors feel a huge sense of guilt that they have burdened their loved ones). I am not going to feel guilty because there is nothing I could have done. But I do need to recognize that D is only human and that he hasn't had to deal with being so scared before. He might loose me. That is scary. He is scared and that is okay. Support groups are good for people that like to process or for people that like to open up and talk to complete strangers about their fears. I am like that, but D isn't. So how is it that D can get support?
Support comes from me saying to him that its okay that I don't talk to him every waking moment about ALL my fears. This doesn't mean that my husband isn't there for me, it just means that he is human. We all have our limits. Just as I can't cope with working Over Time Full Time right now, he can't deal with working FT and dealing with my cancer. It is just too much.
I am lucky to be in a marriage that at the root is full of love and I need to go through this journey on my own. If I visualize what this is like my hand is my symbol. My palm is me, and then I have all these cheerleaders, and that is all of you. My family and friends are my tendons and muscles in my palm and fingers and D is just one of those tendons. The main tendon, but he can't be all fingers. It is impossible.
My little pinky has to go to market, this little finger has to stay home, you know the rest. All of us can only do with what we have. We all have our toolboxes and sometimes like my toolbox right now, all my tools get thrown out of the box. Some get buried (Dad, remember when wendy and I thought it was super fun to bury your sacred tools?), some got lost, some just disappeared, and some will be found again. I will also have a new set of tools when I am finished with that. I am most excited about this very real fact. I am changing and morphing into a new woman. A woman with a bigger heart, and a stronger heart. Just when I didn't think it was possible, I get to be stronger. I am looking forward to this the most. And really adoring my husbands ability to handle is plate that is stacked high. Just as high as I've seen people do at Sizzler Steak Houses. You wonder first of all how they managed to pile all that on one plate, and then you wonder how on earth they will manage to eat it all. Somehow, they do.

What is Normal?

I am struggling with this sentence?  I have heard D say to me numerous times that he is wanting to move through this, me having breast cancer, as if his life is normal, and that I can have a normal life too, if I want.  It is me that is deciding to not have a "normal" life.  Whatever this means.  Does this mean that all the people that say they have continued with their "normal" lives did these things:  .1. they kept working .2. they were still the happy go lucky people before they got diagnosed .3. their lives were not full of fear, anticipation, angst, sadness, longing for old.  Really, what does, "I can have a normal life if I wanted to mean?" How am I supposed to go back to what was?  I cannot do massage yet, my Doctor said no, and I should wait until I am healed.  Am I supposed to do Real Estate full time?  Impossible!  Maybe, everyone that said they worked full time still, as if they were "normal" worked behind a desk.  

Giving massage right now seems, to me, maybe not to you, but to me inherently wrong.  How is it that I am to heal myself of a major illness and harness the strength to heal someone else?  Forget about real estate completely.  That job is the most STRESSFUL job one can have.  Forget about it!  I'd rather raise twins during this time than be an agent.

My life is not normal, nor will it ever be again.  Maybe D's life is normal, or maybe he can ignore that everything in my life is falling apart, because that is what he has to do to get through this.  Maybe that is a guy's way of dealing with a major illness.  But my life is 100 % affected.  My mind, my heart, my body, my fertility, my hair (i may be grey when this is all done, i've read), my spirit, my soul, *uck I have to look at my mortality daily.  There isn't a moment that goes by that I miss my old life.  My life that 100% I cannot go back to.  My life is changed.  Maybe D's isn't, but mine is.  

The other thing I have to remind myself is that D hasn't gone through major illness before with others and so he doesn't know what to do. Last night when I was falling asleep, I told him I was scared.  He said, "Don't tell me that because I get scared too."  So many things all at once, it is incredibly painful.  I have no idea what I am going to do when this is all over.  I may decide to be an Oncologist.  Who knows?  You all may be throwing dirt on my grave, who knows.  Really.  Who knows.  The limits are endless.  The possibilities are endless.  

And one more thing I have been thinking about.  This is not Beat, with or By Attitude.  I 100% believe, my ability to use visualization and positive is a great thing to do, and I spend about 75% of my day doing just that.  I am positive.  But come on.  Really!  What this boils down to is wether or not my body is going to "take" the chemo.  And from there, that is where I can have a good attitude.  If I am sick, I can remember that I found it, at least.  If I am 100% healed I can be happy as a laughing babe.  If my cancer metastizes than, I can be happy that I am alive that day.  So, yes, I see what attitude means.  But the little scientist in me is so sick of hearing that it, being my survival, is all about my, attitude.  

I am scared shitless about my upcoming chemo treatment.  I have absolutely no idea how my body is going to react to the chemicals.  And I have the absolute right to be scared.  I need my hand held.   Major illnesses in ones life, is one of those crucial, life times that people generally need support from their loved ones.  D thinks that he wouldn't.  He would just take a cab to his appointments, and he may very well be like that if he got sick.  I would have to honor that however hard that would be for me.  We all go through a major illness in our own way.   Luckily for me, I have lots of good friends and family that are dear to me and I want to open my heart to receiving all this love.  That in and of itself, is tough.  To open up to being loved without "doing" anything or giving anything back.  This is one of the most beautiful experiences I have felt in my life, this one gesture.  Simply on the basis of the intent is coming from a PURE place.  

Long Walks and Steaks

My sis is here and we went for a six mile walk from my house, here in West Seattle down to Alki and back up the hill to home.  She kept stopping, and here I am going to have her type in what she thinks of that walk.

Wendy says, "It sucks walking with you. Especially going up all the hills.  You have breast cancer and your in better shape than I'm in, without breast cancer."  I loved that!  We had a great time.  My Dad had to go in today to see if he needed Angioplasty.  I think that is how you spell it.  I asked him last night if he was okay, and he said, "Sure.  I just wish I had time to have two more steaks."  For those of you that do not know my Dad, he could (he'd be uncomfortable) but he could have them in one seating.  This made me mad, which is my usual response to his indifference to his health.  But this time, he couldn't blow off my fury because I have something in common, and I won't let him get off this easy anymore.  I felt that this is a good thing to bring up in my blog because we all do things that we know we shouldn't be doing for our health. 

Not often in a child's life, do kids get to teach their parents lessons.  Occasionally that does happen, and oh, do I love it when it does.  My little chest feathers get in a furl over it!  Last night when he made the steak comment I said, "Dad, I have the same thing going on right now. I love to eat sugar, and I can't anymore.  Sugar is the Devil for Cancer.  I totally understand how it is to want something you know you shouldn't be having.  And it sucks.  But Dad, I have to stop myself. I have to have the strength to stop myself.  I have to stop having ALL forms of sugar."  

So, I know how he feels and I have more compassion for everyone that needs to be exercising regularly but doesn't.  But if WE want to live, we, as in all you, have to start putting the right fuel into our bodies and start working out daily.  Even if it is a walk.  It is much easier and funnier I will add, to have a delicious little cookie or whatever.  But I just can't anymore.  And Dad, you need to stop eating red meat!  

Onto another note.  I am getting my hair wacked short tomorrow.  This time tomorrow I will have had a short do for two hours.  Not looking forward to having short/bald hair for a year.  I am increasingly becoming more and more emotional or controlling or whatever you want to call it.  My fertility shots are boosting my estrogen levels sky freaking high so that they can harvest the eggs.  The Doc warned us of this, but I didn't think it would happen.  I still don't notice it happening, but poor D keeps saying, "Relax."  I guess it is happening.  

Pixie cut

My sis is on her way down from Eugene, she should be here within the hour.  I need her moral support when I get my hair freakin' chopped off on Friday.  I am not looking forward to it at all.  I am really sad about it, however vain it is.  I loved my hair, it was the longest it had ever been and I just hate not accomplishing a goal.  My goal was to get it down to my butt.  It will take probably ten years to get it that long again.  Besides the fertility thing, this is the runner up with being pissed at something.  You know what?  I am going to make a Pissed off list right now.

1.  Possible menopause and will be not be able to conceive naturally (which sucks. I always dreamt about the day looking into my man's eyes and saying, "let's make a baby."

2.  Cutting my hair down to nothing and then being bald

3.  Not being able have an awesome August and September in the PNW

4.  Not doing real estate as hard core as I was

5. Not being able to carry heavy things, i.e. my massage table

6. Worrying that chemo might not work

7.  Dying and having D love someone else

8.  Dying 

9.  Not eating sugar anymore

10. Not eating baked goods 

11. Worrying about having cancer come back

12.  Worrying about wether or not I should even have kids now

13.  Having so many things ripped from me that I can't even think anymore.

14. The ability to think about having kids and being indulgent with thinking about being a mom is GONE!  That sucks.

So that is a list and that list doesn't seem so dark and horrible.  I must be forgetting something.  So yep, the hair gets to be cut short as a boy's in a few days and that sucks.  The non-sucky thing lately is that my fertility doc's were afraid my follicles were too big and they weren't going to get many eggs.  As it looks today, I have 10-15 eggs, that's awesome!  I am still going to divide them up, as D just isn't sure.  I am sure he would be more reflective if he wasn't in the middle of building a house, and trying to be there 100% for a wife that has breast cancer.  It is so messed up.  OH!  I just thought of #14.  My sis should be here soon.  D is stoked, he gets off of dish duty for a few days!!

Simply Sad

All the masks I've worn in the past month have been put aside today.  My brain is numb, I can't remember little things, I feel fuzzy.  I feel like I am in a blurry tornado.  I am exhausted, yet ready for a fight.  Ready to learn more about myself.  Ready to see how deep I can dive.  Wondering if my lungs will collapse.  Although I know they won't.  I am back at that first week of feeling. Feelings of utter despair.  Surgery is tomorrow and I am freaked out.  

I will be admitted at 9 am.  At 11 I have a radio active dye injected into my right breast just above the nipple to help my surgeon locate my sentinel nodes.  If you are wondering what sentinel nodes are, my visual may help you.  I keep thinking of my lymph nodes like a bee hive.  And the Queen bee are my sentinel nodes.  They are the lymph nodes that get all the garbage dumped at them first, all the garbage that comes off my chest.  So the dye, theoretically would show the Doc where the cancer would spread to first.  They pull these guys out and any others that feel hard to the touch.  As hard ones, would indicate possible cancer.  They would then biopsy them and I will know within a few days if they have cancer.  

The thing that I have been bracing myself with all day, (I have to think of the possible bad outcomes so I am protected) is that they know of one node that was a few weeks ago 1.5cm's.  That isn't a small size.  So, if that isn't one of my sentinel nodes, that would possibly (all the possibilities of life-you gotta love them) indicate that the cancer has moved to other nodes and other places.  I read in Susan Loves The Breast that the scans I have done only detect chunks of cancer.  And when I remember my surgeon saying that they won't know if they got all the cancer, that is why I have to do Chemo.  Oh!  I just do a doozie on myself.  Putting stats together that may very well not belong together and I just have to reign in those horses.  So, you see, I am worried that the cancer is traveling around.  

The feeling when my Oncologist palpated those big node was a horrible icky, finger nails scratching to the tenth degree, painful and icky.  So, I want that thing out of me.  Today I called both my surgeon and Oncologist to confirm that they both know about that darn node and I want it out.  

My mother in law is here and will be for a few days.  I mistakenly told my Dad and my sis that I wanted them to come later, and today I realized I wanted them here.  This was a little too late.  I have been focusing on how sick I may be with Chemo, and wanted them here then.  What I didn't get until today, is that this is HUGE what I am going through, and them coming here is different than just coming to visit.  I have to stop worrying about inconveincing them but the fact is is that We all need to need each other now.  This cancer effects everyone in our families.  

My poor Dad finally brought himself to reading my blog.  The pain he must be going through, I feel for you Dad.  I can't wait to understand the depth of loving a child, like you love me.  Speaking of, not only have I been getting ready for surgery all day, I also gave myself my FIRST fertility SHOT!  I was able to do it, and it didn't hurt at all.  I am going to try to get some sleep.  I can't eat or drink anymore tonight or in the morning.  I am really scared to finally know what they can find out about this cancer.  It is doubly scary having something that they are unable to know exactly what this cancer is about.  The positive note, my statistics will help some new woman my age next year, with hers.  

 

Familial Strands

Funny that yesterday morning I spoke to two friend's one who is my age and the other who is older, and they both said that their grandmother's, their mother's, and aunts had had breast cancer.  The older one of coarse "for preventative" measures had just recently gone to do the genetic testing with the same genetic counselor I saw.  But when the younger one told me that, "You know its something people would like to not think about."  This attitude is what kills women.  If this was a mandated test with complimentary care for positive gene carries with family ties like this it would save the insurance companies so much money.  It would help to prevent breast cancer and all of the long term effects it has on a woman's body.  I told my young friend that she needed to think about it and go get tested.  If all of those women in her immediate family have struggled and luckily they all survived it, she needs to take control now while she has control.

On a side note, this maybe one of the few times that I can say I agreed with what Bush has done while being President.  But a month ago, he signed and passed The Genetic Test law that those that are tested cannot be discriminated against and not given health insurance.

I couldn't sleep at all last night, and neither could D.  I had "cancer" dreams all night, and he stayed up worrying about me and our house that is almost done.  The house thing is just part of doing a job and having the kind of meticulous brain he has.  He will walk thru the house over and over and any problems that arise he will not be able to let it go until he comes up with a way to fix it.  So my poor husband slept as little as I did.  This morning I will try to let him sleep in.   The sister in me likes and REALLY enjoys waking people up.  Early.  Its the brat in me, but it brings me such joy.  Joy that I will not indulge in this morning.  Crap, I hate doing the right thing sometimes.

I've been thinking lately too about my last conversation with a young survivor.  She told me that one day I would be a survivor.  D had posed this same question as I designed my (I'm such a Capricorn) blog cards so that I can give them to people, " I see that you have- 33 year old Survivor.  Do you think that the Real Survivor's will be offended."  I said, " I don't care because in my mind and body I have survived already.  I am going to survive, and I've been living with this cancer for a while now albeit unknowingly.  I am a survivor."  I feel that anyone that has had cancer and they've recently got diagnosed or they recently have passed from this disease is a Survivor.  There is absolutely no difference, other than a mental difference and time and the struggle.  But I am a Survivor.  I am going to make it through this, I just don't know what "this" is yet.  I could say- 33 year old Virgin Survivor.

    

All too fast and painful

Have any of you watched Deal or No Deal?  If not, it's a game show that people have the chance to try to win a million dollars.  I like to watch this show because right before your eyes you get to see someone forgo a whopping $200,000- $300,000 in hope that they get the million bucks. I am always screaming at the TV, "Take the Deal!!"  Seriously, they walk in with zero bucks and they could walk out with a nice little chunk.  I am not that much of a risk taker.

I am a risk taker that likes to jump off of bridges into a known natural swimming pool.  This "known" is the key.  I wouldn't do that if other people hadn't, and the older I get these risks are getting fewer and farer between.  This is the exact thing we, D and I are dealing with this morning. Fertility.  As most of you know, D has been trying to figure out if he wants to have kids and with all of this he has moved to a closer place of possibly wanting them.  I totally respect his decision either way. I have to.  I am not one of those woman that would poke a whole in a condom and say, "oops."  So today we got a call from the fertility nurse.  We, D and I didn't know that there are two types of freezing eggs/sperm.  In fact I didn't know the sperm was even an option.  D is supportive of me freezing my eggs, if I feel that I have to do that.  It's my body.

He is just not into freezing our embryo's, at least in the, "right now you have to decide because we have to move on this as my cancer treatment has to move forward, right now."  This is the deal.  My Oncologist says that some of the women my age return from Menopause, if the chemo forces them into it.  D's point is that this is all IF's.  IF I go into menopause, if I don't go out of menopause, and if, if.  This is all too much, too soon for him.  A month ago he was dead set on not wanting kids, with the not for sure still being tossed around.  Now, he realizes that he may and so he has to decide now.  Now if he wants to risk not getting to have a biological son/daughter with me, if I am unable to due to my treatments.  My Dad says just pull back, just freeze your eggs.  If I just freeze my eggs it is a 20% chance that they will be able to make an embryo when we are ready.  Since eggs are so fragile, this is not the greatest of odds.  If we freeze an embryo the chances go to 60% that we would be successful, they aren't as fragile.  This just sucks.  I need to be focusing on getting well and not on wether or not I am going to be able to have kids in the future.  It is so much all at once.  I have a call into the Oncologist.  We need the stats.  

D is a numbers guy and we need to know, do all the young woman my Doc works with go out of menopause/return to normal? If so, then are we worrying over nothing?  But if there are woman that don't return to normal, then I will just be freezing my eggs, and not our embryo.  D said, it is just wrong, just not natural.  My point is that none of this is natural.  If I wasn't going to do the super science of Chemo (very unnatural) I would probably be dead in the next few years. We are all dealing with this news of my having cancer the best we can and as fast we can, and dealing with all the unknown's the best we can.    There is only so much both D and I can move through in a matter of a week.  

Last night on Oprah an incredilbe man said that roadblocks aren't for stopping us, they are put in our lives to help us see how much we want something.  This is one of those times.  

++++++++

I just got back from the gym.  While I was on the treadmill my athlete rose inside me again, and shared this story with me.  Even though I fell overboard in a huge stormy sea, the team (you guys and D) threw me a dingy.  Right now I am swimming towards that dingy and getting hit in the face and gulping air and fighting for my life, fighting to get to that damn dingy.  I know I am going to make it and I know that I am going to paddle to the big boat with all of my loved ones. While I am getting back to all of you, and D, you're going to be cheering me on, and wiping the tears off my face.   But I am the one who is in the Sea and Dingy named Breast Cancer.  I am the only one that is going to be a Survivor and if all I have once I get on board is that 20% to have kids, I am going to take it.  So, regardless I've decided to get my eggs frozen.  The embryo thing is intense.  D even said, "I'm surprised you want to do it."  Funny how when your are faced with severe options our choices become at times wider than we'd ever imagined.  And D isn't in the sea with me, and if I go to his side of things I do totally understand how "icky" or "wrong" freezing our unborn, pre-fetus, embryo's this option is.  

So, I've got that 20% and I am going to take it because that is what I have to do.  End of story.  I am not going to let cancer potentially take what I value the most in life.  I refuse.  I am going and will be a mother someday.  I want nothing more.  Nothing more.

++++++

I've been waiting to post this to my blog till I talk to my doctor, he should call sometime this evening.  I spoke with a young survivor today, who got breast cancer when she was 30.  Funny how she was sent my way today because she is one of those woman that didn't go back from menopause.  She wasn't able to freeze eggs, and later in her life, she met the man of her dreams and got married and they adopted a little girl.  She made a few good points to me, points that in my franticness of the moment tried overlooking.  One of the main points is this, to be able to do the egg retrieval they need to wait till my second day of my next moon.  Which I just finished, so I am out for a month already.  At which point they will give me estrogen or progesterone or both, I can't remember right now.  For two to three weeks I am on those med's and then they can start doing the egg retrieval.  So this whole fertility trying to get my egg thing is pushing my VERY needed cancer treatment out for about two months.  This is what does not sound good to me. 

The other point she made is that cancer feeds off of something.  Like I said in earlier posts. My Triple Negative feeds off of something they just don't know what.  If my body is pumped full of these hormones, which cancer usually feeds on am I increasing my chances of giving my cancer a party?  A party that wants to go visit all of its neighbors, like my ovaries?  No Doctor is going to be able to say yes or no to this.  There is not enough information about Triple Negative yet.  

My new cancer survivor friend also said, " You have to remember, you are the most important thing right now.  Getting you cancer free as soon as possible.  Getting you healthy."  I cannot agree with her more.  Since I have such an aggressive form of cancer, is it worth waiting?  What if my fight is super hard, super super hard.  What if in the back of my mind did we wish that I hadn't waited to start treatment.  We know it is in my lymph node(s) so speed is important, right.  Get it done.  Like yesterday!  Or am I just trying to talk myself out of this?  The woman I spoke with today also said a great thing," Don't you want to know what your chances are when you do beat this, for you to be able to conceive a baby naturally?"  The other thing is if we wait 3 weeks to get the genetic tests back, and If (oh, the freakin' if's) I am positive for one of the whopper's do I want to inflict that 50-60% chance on my kids of them getting breast cancer?  That is something I do not even for a second have to think about that is a no.  

So, I am left, waiting for my Oncologist to call and spew this all out to him.  He will wait and do whatever I want.  This is my game I am playing.  My Deal or No Deal.  If I didn't want Chemo, he would say okay.  But I do want chemo and I do want my own kids, but this waiting to be treated thing is also something I do not want to do.  There is too much empty time filling up and allowing my precious healthy cells in my body to be sabotaged by those evil little sick cancer cells.  I am exhausted, yes.  I feel like today was the worst day I've had except the day I found out I have breast cancer.  I am playing God, and I am asking my husband to play God too. It is so wrong.  I am starting to look at this whole thing as, look this is in the hands of something greater than I.  If I am meant to have my own kids, I will be able to snap out of the Menopause and have my own kids.  If not, I have friends that adopted two beautiful little girls and I know they couldn't be more loved or love than they do.  I think I've come to my answer.  I'll wait to talk to my Doctor.

++

My Doctor just called. He said one thing that just put it all to rest, if one of you doesn't want to do it, move forward.  

He also told me that no one is going to treat me with this fertility thing until we have my pathology.  We won't get this until surgery, and then we will have to wait a week or so to get my results.  If the cancer has moved to many nodes and if its a super nasty tumor, he very well may suggest that we not delay treatment.  Which couldn't start until I heal from my surgery.  If its just in a node and not a nasty tumor than he said he may say I have the six weeks it will take to get my eggs.  He also said that there are no stats available, and if someone tries to tell me otherwise they are simply not true.  There is absolutely no way to have stats that prove if someone hadn't delayed treatment six weeks if their outcome was better or if the hormones they pumped me with did anything to the cancer.  

He told me to wait until after surgery and we will all know more then.  I did ask him what my chances of being able to bear my own kids when done with chemo, not great.  They are 40 to 50%.  Chemotherapy is so toxic.  Crazy, thanks for going through this with me.  Today was the worst day, maybe more than getting cancer.  I have officially had the most precious thing for me possibly being taken from me.  

  

Don't make that face..

When I was a kid, one of my favorite books was about this kid that used to make the most horrid faces imaginable.  But one day, much like today (as its terribly windy here) the wind changed and his face wasn't able to change back to normal.  I kind of felt like that today.  

D said a very sweet thing to me this morning, after my sister left.  He said, " I want our old lives back."  Simple.  Cutting.  Sweet, and Painful. " Yeah, maybe in a year," I said.  I think both of us know that our lives will never be the same.  I felt the life in me fill my heart today so I got dressed and went to my office and finished some paperwork on a few of the houses I'd just sold.  Walking into my office I got a hug from everyone and tried to not to cry.  Looking and listening to everyone working hard on their houses, I felt a little jealous.  I just cannot believe that I am on hold.  I'm on hold because despite what most people think, Realtors work their butts off and it is an incredibly stressful job.  A job that I knew I wouldn't be able to give my 110% to. 

I got to do my first massage today since we got the news.  I like to think of my massage practice as my walking mediation practice.  It felt so good to focus on someone else's body for a while.  A body that is in good health, a body that is working the way it should.  How is it that none of my Doctors found this lump in the past few years, or in my last exam four months ago?How is it that I was overlooked?  My Oncologist says its because most Doctors will never see cancer in younger woman in their entire careers, so they don't think out of the box when doing exams.  They just don't think its possible.

I got a manicure today.  The ladies all know my name, as I walk in they say, "Hello, Heather."  They asked me how I was, and I explained that I had breast cancer.  I told her I was 33, and she said, "Me too."  Quickly, they bantered back and forth and she explained to them all, in another language, one that I don't know, that I had breast cancer.  I told them next time I see them, I might not have hair.  How crazy is that.  "Your hair is so beautiful, are you sad?"  

I am sad, and sure my ego is sad and threatened that it will loose these locks.  Will I just go bald? Maybe I'll wear a scarf and a hat.  When my sister was here she told me that five years ago, she got fourteen inches cut off her hair for Locks of Love.  The biggest surprise was that she had never given it away, that she still had it.  Unbelievable!!  I love it, I actually might be able to have a wig with my sisters hair.  How cool, but do I want a wig?  Isn't the wig, for everyone else?

When my mom was in the nursing home, since she had a stroke at 54, and was paralyzed she didn't ever leave the home.  Eventually she just shaved her head, it was easier to take care of and she had no one to impress.  I wonder what I will do.  At the Oregon Country Fair, one of my favorite summer festivals I used to love to dress up and wear wigs.  I was able to morph into a freer me.  I just don't know about this.  We all know its ego.  I mean really, if I was on a deserted island would I care if I had to shave my head?  If someone left a wig on a rock, would I wear it around?  Yes, the girl in me that likes to dress up would.  And yes, the girl in me that likes to braid my hair might.  I just can't believe I have breast cancer.  It's crazy.

So yes, the wind is blowing and my life has changed and my life is never going to be the same.  That is what I didn't say to D this morning.  That for the better or the worse, my life and his life has changed.  When I get healthy again, and when I go into remission, our lives still have been changed.  The life of waking up in the morning and taking everything for granted is over.  Simply over.  

Today was the day that my Dad and I got to trace all the cancer in our family.  Back to my grandparents on both sides.  Tomorrow morning we are meeting with my Genetic Doctor and will start to learn if I have the genes that pre-dispose me to getting breast cancer.  On my Dad's side only my Nana had it and she had six brother's and sisters.  On my mother's side, my grandma had skin cancer on her face-no big deal- and my grandpa had hand cancer.  Neither died of cancer.  I am hoping I do not have one of the known six genes.  But I kind of wouldn't mind either because at least there could be some kind of blame.  I want to point one of my fingers at something.  D is always saying I have a little detective in me.  I'm that person driving down the road that looks for drunks, or calls 911 when I see a reckless driver.  He always laughs at me, but hey, if I can help the little detective in me loves to do it.  I'd make a great cop.  

Today I was out with all the "normal" people and starting to face the fact that my body is going to change and morph into a new butterfly.  I am a little nervous about it.  End of story.  I am just nervous.  Here comes lots of yoga and meditation and soul searching like my hippie days of the past have never seen.  I get to look square in my eye, an eye that may not have eye lashes for long.

 

Family

When I hung the phone up with the first lady that called to tell me I have breast cancer and that I needed to come to the Breast Center right away, I hung up and called my Dad.  I told him that I knew nothing more than that I have Breast Cancer (do you capitalize this or not?  To me its EVERYTHING right now, and seems like it has earned its right to be so)  and could he call the family and tell them, and call my best friend that I grew up with Jody; her mom fought a long and serious battle with this evil disease, I knew she'd totally understand.  

The hard part with all of this is that my older sister, by nine years found a lump in her breast the week I went to my first Doc.  Her Doc's said that it had calicified, whatever that means.  Which makes this whole thing a bit scarier because my Nana got diagnosed in her late fifties.  We have learned this could be genetic, something I had only heard of and thought was for people on the news.   She went to the MAYO clinic and because my Nana is one heck of a good fighter it didn't come back.  Now didn't I just say that Jody's mom was a Scraper too? Its funny how we as a society believe if someone beats someone or something that they were the best.  With this Disease there are no "best" there is no such thing as someone who "won" their battle because they fought a good fight.  It comes down to chance, and how this silent killer is going to be in ones body.  Okay Heather, remember your young.  This is going to be alright.  Right?  Everyone keeps saying that to me.  Everyone.  I will be alright.  My new Mantra.  A young Survivor I spoke with on the phone this week told me a Mantra for her, This IS Manageable.  

I knew what she meant this week.  As I have had the most toxic stuff pushed through my body.  It has taken me two days to get over those PET/CT scans goodies.  Yesterday for my MRI I got a new kind of liquid contrast based with Gadolinium.  The bottle said it was FDA approved but if you have kidney problems I should tell them.  I was so elated when I left that MRI place.  Finally the sortof good news, that it wasn't in my bones, but may be in my lymph nodes under my arm sank in.  I was done with my Scans!!  Yippee!  Last night the three of us (my younger sister is in town), drove up to the Alaska Junction to have dinner.  I still do not have an appetite but D keeps reminding me that I still have to choke down some food.  Jokingly reminding me that he has seen me eat some big meals, and knows that I love to eat.  So we drove up to the Junction and it was packed.

We parked behind my office.  The office that I used to kick butt in as a Realtor and just last month sold 4 homes.  I felt a sense of something had been taken from me.  I had to let go of three upcoming listings this week as I just new the stress was immediately not going to work.  I love everyone in my office.  It was a little sad.  Oh, here comes that pity party again.  I have to remember my mom here.  A very religious woman, she'd just caste that devil out of here.  So, I will just caste those bad thoughts out of here.  Or was there that 80's commercial of, " I'm going to wash this, mmmm right out of my"  now this isn't a singalong you guys.  Dinner.  We walk up to have Sushi, my sis loves it.  By the time we walked just 4 blocks I was spent.  There was a line, and just four chairs in the waiting area that were full.  How do you ask someone to get up because I need to sit down.  Would I look convincing?  I am just 33 and look from the outside world healthy as could be.  My stomach started to feel a bit nauseous and the lady said it was going to be a half hour wait, we could write down our cell number and she'd call us.  

Usually this would be fun.  I could stroll around looking at the shops.  I usually find my eyes and heart wanting to go past this really cute kids clothing store, but not today.  I told D and my sis that I had to go home.  Let's just get something to go.  D walked back and got the car as we got Mexican to go for them.  I wasn't going to eat.  

No matter how old we are those sibling " I want what you have" passes through me still at times.  And dinner last night was one of those times.  I got what she had ordered and we drove home.  I feel closer to "normal" at home.  I am not around a ton of city people that are healthy all running around with their heads full of their to-do lists.  We tried to watch the newest Will Farrell flick, boring.  I instead wrote down my list of questions for my Oncologist.  I get to meet with him this morning at eleven.  This meeting is what woke me up early today.  I have a huge whirling Monarch butterfly family in there.  So many questions.  

One is that it seems like all these little glow potions have really sucked the soul from me the past days.  Is this normal?  Or since my body is so pure (like the word pure, I struggle for about 30 seconds trying to remember how to spell it) is this all going to affect me a huge way.  Not that I want him to treat me not aggressively because we need to.  I have at least 50 more years on this planet.  But maybe I will need more anit-nausea medicine.  Medicine I would never had agreed with.  Guys I think the flu shot is bad.  One of those things that is the pharmaceutical companies way of getting their pocket books into America.  So..when I say I don't take anything, that means nothing.  

My sis is sleeping on the coach.  She is really worried about her breasts too.  This sis is only a year and seven days younger.  My Dad says when we are around each other we become one person.  We talk on the phone at least once a day, usually more.  Yesterday before she came up here, she went to see her Doc about her breasts.  She graduates from nursing school next Friday.  I still don't know if I can drive all the way down to Eugene.  I don't want to miss it for anything in the world.  But right now, I can't imagine driving down there.  She said she doesn't want me down there if I don't feel good.  I think I will though, no more chemicals for a while.  She's decided to get a Mammogram and an UltraSound just to make sure everything looks good.  I feel bad for her.  She is so young and I know she is scared for herself.  My poor Dad had to face the possibility of my older Sis and I having it in one week.  I think a little too much for him to bare.  He has always said that one of the worst thing that could happen in life is if one of his kids went before him, "Parents shouldn't have to bury their young."   Dad, you won't need to.  Don't worry.  

Good thing he raised a little athlete.  This is where I plug sports, for all of those that think that playing sports is dumb, I will prove to you how more than a little game they all are.  One of the core strengths I am pulling from right now is my athlete in me.  I am SUPER competitive.  I can't even make myself play a game of freakin' dominos with D without being pissed if I lose.  So with this Cancer that I have, I have had to go this athlete that resides deep in me.  I've had to call her to action.  I acutally for the first time in my life have a true battle ahead of me.  The Docs and all of you are on my team.  But I am the leader, K. I'm laughing right now.  I'm not trying to be egocentric, this is just how I've made it in my head. And thanks D for being so nurturing in this way as to let me tell you I need to change the plans. I am now, for the first time in my life.  THE CENTER of it ALL.  I have to have it be that way.  If I am talking on the phone and need to get off, now I get off.  I just say I have to go.  If I need to leave the restaurant because I don't feel good, we leave.  

My mother in law came two nights ago.  I HAD to FORCE myself to relax.  She was here to help me (the night of the PET/CT's).  I kept going into the kitchen and trying to help her.  She gently said, "I'm trying to help."  I realized I needed to let go.  She can find the plastic wrap, she can find a glass for water for me to drink.  She made me an amazing bowl of potato salad, I can't wait to eat.  I think its time for me to take time for myself.  Luckily I am not a single mom who has to put food on the table.  For those of you that are out there, I shed a tear for you and how hard this is.  Is there a place in this amazing city, that people going through treatment like this single mom can have dinner and groceries brought to her at no charge?  I don't believe in handouts.  In fact I don't want to help anyone that can help themselves, as I see it I am just causing them to be further victimized.  But I do believe in helping people that can't help themselves and that are trying to be better/healthier Americans.

My little sis is gently doing some cute Zzz's on the coach.  How is it that we love so deeply.  What is it like to have a child?  This is something that all of you know has been a bit of a despair in my life.  I want them so badly, and waiting has been sucking my life from me.  Luckily, D was wanting to wait a few more years.  D, Thank YOU!!  But now, for the first time in my life, I can't imagine going through this with kids.  Mainly because of the unknown's at this time.  I can take space from friends and family but kids are always there just in that Present state of being being precious.  Just looking up at you with all the love that ever existed in the world, just beaming that love at you, yes..even when they are kicking and screaming, it shines through.  Shining through because they feel safe enough to kick and scream and develop into their little selves before your eyes.  What a gift this will be someday.  But that day now, is further from today than I'd hoped a month ago.  

I was offered by friends Lisa and Jack to bring their baby by for a play date, during my treatment.  This was the one thing that I knew I'd be calling to ask for.  With them here of coarse, but that sounds fantastic!!