Attention!! I AM A SURVIVOR...

I'm up at my favorite tea shop on Queen Anne hill in Seattle, at the TeaCup. I was fine, until I decided I was ready to grab all the swirling thoughts that have been dancing around me in the past few weeks, and throw them into a ball of fury here. At which point, I sit in a crowded cafe, surrounded by young hip kids my age, holding back tears as best I can.
To answer all the questions in a nut shell, I am cancer free, I am awesome, and it was simply scar tissue.

What gets me today, is this asinine news all over the front pages of our newspapers.
Being the little cancer sharer that I am, as I was sitting in a mechanic's lobby waiting for an appointment today, surrounded by young women, I said out loud in the office, "What do you all think about the news today, about not getting Mammograms and that we shouldn't be checking our boobs because of the "fear" that this process puts us through?" Quickly, all of them started talking over each other, sharing their stories with breast or ovarian cancers in their families, their fears. I was filled with despair (for only a moment, as I know how much ass I am going to kick soon) and a feeling of what can I do, to fight the insurance companies that are so obviously pushing this "fear" tactic. In my opinion trying to save monies and push us out of our right to get these tests paid for by them, that are one of our only ways of finding breast cancer.

Yes, the mammography is not a tool that is successful in finding young women's breast cancer due to our breast density. This is true. But it does work sometimes. And sometimes is better than nothing. And..And...And...oh, I am so pissed. I cannot wait until I am grounded in my health again. Smarter. Wiser. Oh, this lioness is going to shred some heads. I want so desperately to change the face of cancer. Some tall, cute, smart, healthy, organic this and that, I got it. I found it. I found it. FOlks I found it. Where was I? I was trying on lingerie at one of my favorite little shops here in Seattle. This is a quick recap of what went on in my head that day:
Wait? What is that? That is a lump. Quickly, my mind went back six months to my yearly exam. My doctor, is a breast cancer survivor, and oh..right. She hesitated here. She did. She didn't say anything. What is that? What is this? Hmmm..I let it go for a few weeks BECAUSE SHE DID. She felt it. Its probably nothing. Right? For weeks, I walked around with this knot in my chest. Then I said something to D, as I we sat on the coach. Very nonchalantly. No need to make a big deal about it right? "Hey, I found this. Can you feel it and tell me what you think?"
Luckily he thought I should go get it checked out. If I had not shown it to him, I would probably be dead of this within the next few years. You wanna now why, I say such a definitive thing like that?
I say that because CANCER IN YOUNGER WOMEN IS MORE AGGRESSIVE. It is usually Triple Negative. Negative to all the receptors: Progesterone, Estrogen, and Her2Nu (the growth hormone in all of our bodies). These are the known food choices for these other types of cancers. But mine, like most younger womens cancer's, and women that are African American and Latina, are usually known as TN..Triple Negative for the sole reason that it is negative to all the known receptors. Got it.
Yonger woman only have ONE TOOL. One tool, to save our lives. Because doctors do not look out of the box. They do not see out of the box, even though they may EVEN BE BREAST CANCER SURVIVORS, THEMSELVES.
The box is this: Women under 40 do not get breast cancer. It is a rare 11,000 that do a year. I was one of 11,000.
We only have self-examinations. Without this, small and effective tool, there will be more younger woman dying. Already, as it is WE women under 40 years young, have a higher mortality rate. It is beacause, there are no known effective tools for our diagnosis, doctors do not send us to get checked out as often as they should when a lump is discovered, choosing instead to act like God. If I had not found mine that day, I would have quickly become a stage 2.
My lump was found at 1.8 cm's with no node involvement. My survival rates are much higher because of this. Stage 2, with node involvement or anything higher than 2 cm's, is a whole different story. Mortality rates change very quickly. That could have easily happened, before my next yearly appointment (and that is IF, they doctor chose to look out of the box at this appointment). By then, I could have been a stage 3. With mortality rates, much much much higher. As it is, when I drive down the road I like to look at all the little cars and think of my stats, being a Stage 1, I have a 1 in 6 chance that my cancer is going to come back. Look around you right now. For every 6 people around you, one of them would die. These stats are horrible. How would you like to live with that as part of your life? How would these insurance companies, these doctors, these whoever they are that are pumping out this crap advice, how would they like it if their young daughters had these odds? Simply because they did not check their breasts? Simply because the only tool we have, and they have was ignored for the comfort of sometimes needless inquiries and mammograms showing there was no cancer.
An opportunity to say, you know what, you do not have cancer. You did what you should have. You checked your breasts every month, you noticed a change. And that yes, we will do a Mammogram, and if needed an UltraSound, to now tell you dear:daughters, dear sister, dear wife, dear granddaughter, dear niece, dear friend, that you do not have cancer. Here wipe your tears here on our sleeves, that was scary. But you are healthy, you are fine. What is so wrong with this? The odds are so random. But I was that odd. I deserve to live. I deserved to not have been overlooked. I deserved my doctor sending me to get an Mammogram, but she didn't. Most young women have not found the voice that I have. I could have listened to everyone but D, who insisted I had nothing to worry about. I could have put it off. I would have died of this. As it is, I could still die of this. Cancer, sucks. It does. I want to live. I want to grow old. Luckily I did breast exams. Luckily I tried lingerie on that day.
When will the persecution of women end? When will be honoured, and cared for? When will we be held high and believed just as worthy of living? I am furious. I am in shock.

What is Normal?

I am struggling with this sentence?  I have heard D say to me numerous times that he is wanting to move through this, me having breast cancer, as if his life is normal, and that I can have a normal life too, if I want.  It is me that is deciding to not have a "normal" life.  Whatever this means.  Does this mean that all the people that say they have continued with their "normal" lives did these things:  .1. they kept working .2. they were still the happy go lucky people before they got diagnosed .3. their lives were not full of fear, anticipation, angst, sadness, longing for old.  Really, what does, "I can have a normal life if I wanted to mean?" How am I supposed to go back to what was?  I cannot do massage yet, my Doctor said no, and I should wait until I am healed.  Am I supposed to do Real Estate full time?  Impossible!  Maybe, everyone that said they worked full time still, as if they were "normal" worked behind a desk.  

Giving massage right now seems, to me, maybe not to you, but to me inherently wrong.  How is it that I am to heal myself of a major illness and harness the strength to heal someone else?  Forget about real estate completely.  That job is the most STRESSFUL job one can have.  Forget about it!  I'd rather raise twins during this time than be an agent.

My life is not normal, nor will it ever be again.  Maybe D's life is normal, or maybe he can ignore that everything in my life is falling apart, because that is what he has to do to get through this.  Maybe that is a guy's way of dealing with a major illness.  But my life is 100 % affected.  My mind, my heart, my body, my fertility, my hair (i may be grey when this is all done, i've read), my spirit, my soul, *uck I have to look at my mortality daily.  There isn't a moment that goes by that I miss my old life.  My life that 100% I cannot go back to.  My life is changed.  Maybe D's isn't, but mine is.  

The other thing I have to remind myself is that D hasn't gone through major illness before with others and so he doesn't know what to do. Last night when I was falling asleep, I told him I was scared.  He said, "Don't tell me that because I get scared too."  So many things all at once, it is incredibly painful.  I have no idea what I am going to do when this is all over.  I may decide to be an Oncologist.  Who knows?  You all may be throwing dirt on my grave, who knows.  Really.  Who knows.  The limits are endless.  The possibilities are endless.  

And one more thing I have been thinking about.  This is not Beat, with or By Attitude.  I 100% believe, my ability to use visualization and positive is a great thing to do, and I spend about 75% of my day doing just that.  I am positive.  But come on.  Really!  What this boils down to is wether or not my body is going to "take" the chemo.  And from there, that is where I can have a good attitude.  If I am sick, I can remember that I found it, at least.  If I am 100% healed I can be happy as a laughing babe.  If my cancer metastizes than, I can be happy that I am alive that day.  So, yes, I see what attitude means.  But the little scientist in me is so sick of hearing that it, being my survival, is all about my, attitude.  

I am scared shitless about my upcoming chemo treatment.  I have absolutely no idea how my body is going to react to the chemicals.  And I have the absolute right to be scared.  I need my hand held.   Major illnesses in ones life, is one of those crucial, life times that people generally need support from their loved ones.  D thinks that he wouldn't.  He would just take a cab to his appointments, and he may very well be like that if he got sick.  I would have to honor that however hard that would be for me.  We all go through a major illness in our own way.   Luckily for me, I have lots of good friends and family that are dear to me and I want to open my heart to receiving all this love.  That in and of itself, is tough.  To open up to being loved without "doing" anything or giving anything back.  This is one of the most beautiful experiences I have felt in my life, this one gesture.  Simply on the basis of the intent is coming from a PURE place.