379 Posts...

You know, its really hard to stop writing here. So, today, as I sit for my latest three month appointment in a room of folks with varying hair lengths and varying levels of anxiety (both partners and loved ones and patients) I sit waiting for my name to be called. I really try to let the scared feelings of "what if its back" stay out of my mind. I am pretty much a believer in my "cancer free" status, even though I have not been told I am yet by my doctor. I haven't been declared NED. Maybe I should ask him today if I am. Or when I get to be. I am here for a few things and a few of them have been driving me crazy. One that started when I ran my 18 miler, my body started retaining water and has slowly kept this up. Last check up I was the heaviest ever in my life, and even my doc was shocked once he saw my numbers..I have been traveling a bit and airplanes are a nightmare for me. For some reason the retention stays for weeks, and does not go away without water tabs. Then I lose about 5-7 pounds in one night, and still my legs are full of fluid. I can feel it, its uncomfortable to say the least, and I want an answer. No more, well...that's just what happened because of chemo. I want to find someone to explain to me, why and how, and then I can rest. Because in this unknown is where the scared, "is it back" feelings go. I start worrying that there is undetected cancer somewhere causing the retention. My latest vacations have been really almost unbearable with this. I swell, and secretly worry a lot. I finally am talking about it. Okay, now I am back in the little room. The room where I've sat with D, and was initially told all about my cancer, the room that I sat processing all the icky stuff that happened to me, the room that I sit cancer free? No one knows that for sure, that is why I still have to come back here every three months..I wonder when I get to graduate to every six months. There is a question about that..that is why he didn't graduate me yet. hhmmm...so I guess my fretting is okay, and maybe its okay to talk to the loves in my life about it.
There is a sense of...I have worried them all so much and talked to them what feels like to me, till they are all cancer blue in the face, and I just don't want to worry any of them. Its been easier to just talk to my cancer therapist about it (she's very concerned and is the reason I sit here today) and just let everyone go back to living their little lives. My life has gone back to a near normal. But it hasn't arrived yet to my New Normal. I am still figuring it all out.
The other thing we are keeping an eye on are my hormone levels. They were very, very, very low six months ago..low as in there is no way you will come out of menopause...but miracles do happen. To starting my moon, and the numbers coming up ever so slightly to my Onc saying, "maybe you are just doing a sporadic sloughing, and still kid...don't get your hopes up." To, know this past month, I've had two moons, and I think last time I was a little nutty. Maybe. I have NEVER in my life gotten nutty with hormones, but maybe my body just got inundated with them and my counts are way up. I am trying to not get hopeful, and excited about this. We will see. What I do know, is that I am living life to the freaking fullest. There has not been one missed opportunity to have fun. I have started opening my heart and falling in love with a dear tender soul, and that feels good and scary and beautiful.
Life is full. Excited to have my Onc walk in and give him a hug. I can feel the tears already.

Did I? uhh..No

I have been grappling with wether or not to post this, but have decided to be brave and do, strictly for you other breast cancer survivors that are young. Just a quick requests for all my beloveds in my life, reading this, if I have not brought this up to you, please do not talk to me about it. Gulp..here I go..

You all know how badly I want(ed) to be a mom. I am now going to not capitalize the word, and will also add (ed), as in what limbo state am I in? Or more importantly who am I trying to fool? Or who am I trying to just live with, in this present moment, and not start planning and living thoughts for tomorrow that I may not even need to worry about.

Ok...no more stalling. After my long runs (I just completed an 18 miler last Saturday) I bleed for a day..a small amount, but blood is present nonetheless. On Sunday, this was still occurring so I called a few of my closest and shared. Everyone got really excited. I was secretly excited, that is why I called. I wanted to share my potential news. Like, HEY!!! I THINK I STARTED. I even have allowed myself to start planning my party, if it comes back. Setting myself up for failure? Uh, No. Just dreaming. Everyone will have to wear red.. : ) Who would've thought I'd ever be planning a party for this! Too funny. Really? You got to laugh.

I am also planning for the ritual of embracing its non-return as well. Tight rope. Or how about just no rope, Heather. In the present moment its not happening, you still have some more time ahead of you.

What is odd to me is all the self-awareness I carry with me now. In the present moment, I pay attention to everything now. I listen very carefully to everyone now. I listen very closely to my feelings, my thoughts, my process.

When I phone my friends and sister, I heard their delight. I found that I was detached. The Tigger in me, the one that wants to jump and play, was wrapped in bubble wrap. Its great listening to everyones responses, don't get me wrong. They mimic the joy that is in my soul. Its just hard, sharing sometimes. Being vulnerable with me...myself..and I.

I can feel my ovaries getting warm, like in my pre-moon days before cancer. The hot flashes and night sweats are totally gone. I hope they stay at bay. It feels like my body is trying to work. It wants to work, it wants to have a baby in a magickal way. I have always thought of looking someone (I wonder who that will be.. smile to the unknowns) in the eye, and calling forth those spirits (with all fingers crossed for twins) and consciously conceiving. I even have the book, Conscious Conception. Great book, by the way.

Anyways, those are thoughts for the future, because a year from now, it will be very evident if I am going to get my moon back or not. My Onc, thinks I'll know in the next three months. Or wait...a few months have gone by already. I am scheduled to go in after my marathon. In the beginning of May..(I am going to give him a picture (I'm giving one to my surgeon and eye doc too) of me running through the finish line with my medallion around my neck!

Ok....I'm going to stop the what if's. The possible painful possibilities. There is so much sadness around this that bubble wrap very tightly can contain it. Talking about it seems to pop one of those bubbles, which I love, but its just safer to keep the precious cargo protected right now. I have a race to finish, and then a blood draw. Until then, I am going to stay focused, and real. If I feel like crying, I'll cry, and just be with myself..and those unborn babes I have since I was a little girl talked about with everyone.

Steamin with friends

Last night I happened to be on island with some free time. I thought of the frogs that are billowing out their cries for us all to awaken from our winters dormant sleep, and unite with Spring. I realized I needed to go take a walk in the dark and listen to them sing to me. I was ecstatic to have my friends pick up their phone, and they too were on island. Out of all the fancy spas (I am a spa-a-holic) I've been to, their sanctuary is my favorite. There were just four of us in there, and we were able to sink quickly into the conversations that I love the most. The real ones, on life, and bouncing ideas off one another. I realized something in there. I am perfect as I am, in this moment, and I think I've been being too hard on myself.
You know, I haven't done this kind of healing before, haha..so I was inflicting some hurry up, and get back to "normal" crapolla on myself. Last night, as the hummingbird slowed down, and I massaged my aching legs, I wrapped myself in the present moment of just being, just noticing.
I have always known that I am perfectly where I should be. Trust me, I say as I laugh at my inner hippie girl. But, she..the HIppie girl has been in a long hibernation. She had to go away so I could take all the stuff I did. I feel really sad, as I sit here and cry looking out at big ships pass on the Sound. I feel really sad that I put all that stuff into me. The other day I took a walk with a new friend that is a cancer survivor. He said to me, that there is a small percentage that he could get I think it was Lymphoma, but maybe I'm wrong, but some other cancer from his treatment he'd undergone. There is a grief in this potential of buying time.
We are all buying time. My friend who has early onset Parkinsons, is hoping to buy time with some new meds. Ladies getting botox, are buying time. Haha.
We are all buying time. Borrowing time, I mean. As it really isn't ours to be had. Or is it?
All I know this morning is how incredibly grateful I am to my friends. To my loved ones that at every single turn are there. I have been incredibly blessed to have so many teachers, friends that are my deep soul filled family, and my sister who are there for me. Life has been hard for everyone of us, in the past few years. I think as I come out of my slumber, energetically I am feeling this as well.
Here is a little poem I wrote this morning, as the Spring birds renew my Spirit like no other.

***

Sweet song birds
calling forth your mate
lay me an egg
to find as I walk this soft earth
broken shells to be kept on my altar
full of growth, fertility, new beginnings, and a promise of tomorrow

The anger of Blood

Okay, yesterday as I was massaging I revisited the hard part of my weekend. The hard part being the part that I had the base emotion of anger when hearing about woman laugh and joke about their menopause symptoms. Hell..I laugh about mine. What more can you do right? But in the care, in the safety of others that have been through it, I was able to be in the anger. I say as tears stream down my face. Its not quite time to do a ritual about my chemopause. Because I still am in belief that it is Chemopause, and not menopause. This morning I woke up to my ovaries feeling really warm.
But back to the safety. I could miss the opportunity to get real with myself. But luckily I am looking at it. I want to be a mom more than anything in the world, well...besides getting to be healthy for their lives (of coarse there is a their~I want twins....). This has been the hardest part of this whole, "Heather, you have cancer." Thing. And now its a, "Heather, you HAD cancer." And I just simply want my life to be back. I want my ovaries to work. I want to sweat again. Funny thing at the retreat, I found out that I am not alone with that one. There are others that have never starting sweating in their arms again. I have not under the right one.
So...The Anger..deserves to be capitalized. It deserves to have an alter made for itself. And it deserves to be acknowledge so that I can get to the real feelings of sadness, despair, hope, and trust. I just need to trust. If it doesn't come back, I have those little frozen eggs. And if those don't work...there are lots of fertility options and then adoption...but I really want to have my own, in some form.
I am so thankful for Casting For Recovery. I feel like I have been walking through a jungle to get to a lake, for nine months, or however long its been that my moon went away. Now, I am standing at the lake, just looking at it. And all the feelings that I have about my moon going on vacation, swims in the lake. CFR allowed me the space, the grace, and the ungrace, to finally see myself at the waters edge. Each day, I now need to look for a rock that speaks to this pain, and start piling my rocks into a pile, and talking to the rock that I place there. Sharing my pain, sharing my wishes. I need to let go of this grief. I am scared to. Maybe more scared than anything so far on this journey to health. I have to use all the lessons Cancer taught me to get through this. Time to surrender and to open my palm even more, and just love myself and be with myself. Be with my ovaries. Be with my blood, that circulates through my body. And a famous sentence my Dad always says, that has been so helpful during this past year pops into my head again, "Heather, there is no reason to stress over it, stressing over it won't change a thing."
I am heading out to Vashon in a few hours. I am going to start my rock pile out there next to my favorite pond. Fisher Pond.

D Day

This is the last that you'll hear of D. He and I are divorcing (another D) and he has asked that I not talk about him here. I am thankful that he allowed/compromised his private life as long as he did to allow me to write about "our" journey together. At times using his inital. Big ol' nutshell. He realized after our marriage that he rightfully does not want to have kids, I have never changed my mind.
And even if I do not get out of this chemopause, I will use my solo eggs I have (I was not strong enough to listen to reason, and begged and begged for us to make embryo's and waisted 3 of my precious 6) and hopefully that does the trick. But if not, there are lots of wonderful incredible babies in this world that are just waiting to be loved with all the love I have to give and more in this world.
Yes, this is too soon. But we have pushed it to a point, that home has been not home for years and its easier to get all the hurt, all the stress out now, than to wait and get the stress and hurt out later. Life is difficult, and beautiful, and there is never a good time to as my friend says, cleave. So, off to cleaving, and crying, and sobbing, and mourning this inevitable loss.
Lesson learned, many. Will I make this same mistake again, no way.
Its easy in life to over look what you don't want to see. Love is a coyote. Our job is to be present and not live in the future when we fall in love, but to be present and witness what is really there. The maiden, that did this has gratefully blossomed into a woman because of the past few years, and the woman in me will live in the present from here on out. So mote it be.

Another one bites the dust..

Yesterday, is now behind me. Chemotherapy number 11. I have actually done eleven chemotherapies. To get through this I just have had to keep my head down and go. Move. Don't think to much, little one. Just do it. Just get your port put in. Don't think, feel a bit, and move forward. Yesterday, I let myself think about the monstrosity of chemo and what I have actually gone through. All the stuff. The IVF stuff, all the injections I had to give myself, all the emotions of coming to grips with possibly not getting to have my own kids someday, all the tests, the hair cuts, the hair falling out, the sleepless nights, the not feeling good, the losing and tearing away of the veils of my former life, on and on the list goes. I let myself think about my these feets yesterday. I have actually allowed myself to receive eleven chemo's so far. Incredilbe. There are tears running down my face right now.
Yep, I have only five more and I can't wait. I am a little scared of all the tears that will start percolating in early March, when I am all done, and am safe to REALLY start processing. You know, when you go traveling to a third world place and you are suddenly able to live and do things that you in your first world mentalities would never allow yourself to come in contact with, and you can fully function and love life in this new way. I've always wondered how I was able to live with the people in West Africa for as long as I did. And I loved every moment of it. Having cancer is sortof like this. I for some reason, am able to transcend my old way of being, (although its just in reach, whenever I am ready to go back to it) and do and go through things that I once didn't know I could go through. We are all like this. We are so much more than we ever really know.
I had relatives this past winter tell me and D that they didn't think I could handle being on Survivor. It was such a funny statement to me when they said this. First of all, it was clear they didn't know who I was very well, and secondly to think that a human spirit isn't able to transcend was such a foreign concept to me. This is what WE do. This IS life. And WE all do it, daily. Maybe not Cancer level, or Survivor level, or Africa level, but we do it. Its how we survive what we call life. Its our opportunity to grow spiritually.
So, here I am unable to sleep and thinking about what I've done so far. I told my Onc yesterday that if there are any microscopic cancer cells that have not been killed, and rear their heads on a MRI in a couple years (it takes sometimes, a few years to grow large enough to be detected) that i wasn't sure if I'd go through this again. He said, that right about now this is how everyone feels. I have been, not out of morbidity, but out of the very real fact that it could happen, thinking about my action plan if it does come back. I told my Onc that I was thinking a nice beach in Costa Rica would be a good way to go, instead of poisoning myself in my last days in hopes that something works.
He told me, that he's giving me the most powerful chemo drugs he can this time, in hopes that that doens't happen. The brite side, is if it does come back, he'd give me lessor powerful drugs to see if that would do the trick. And in a couple years, the medicine will have new innovative treatments. He told me its common to go through this. Which leads me to thinking about how vulnerable I will feel when this is all done.
As it is right now, each day I have to stop myself from doing breast exams. I keep thinking I feel lumps, and panicking. D, reminds me that my Onc, "the best guy in the state to do a breast exam, Heather" just did one last week and you are OKAY. Right. I am okay. Sure. Sure. Its so unsettling. I already know that I am going to NEED a few support groups and I can't wait to start turning this blog, into a book. This process is really going to help my process.re

Few I'm so hot..

These hot flashes are intense. I sleep with a thin sheet on. If the sheet goes above my shoulders for some reason it triggers a hot flash and then they all come off. Same with clothing. I wear tank tops under everything right now, so if I get too hot I just take the top layer off. My head gets sweaty all the time. It is amazing but when you have hair on your head you have no idea what your little scalp goes through in a day. I have gotten very intimate with the chemistry of my scalp!! My nose and throat symptoms came back this week, and am not sure if these are precursors to low blood counts. But I won't be surprised if my Onc says no to chemo today.
Yesterday was my first big day of real estate since I was diagnosed. I now have the energy and the full spirit to go gangbusters again with bells on. I am and have always been a firm believer that you must be passionate about what you do and love what you do . If you don't then its not worth it. And I love what I do again, so I had a great time yesterday.
Will keep you posted on whether or not I get to do chemo today. I hope so, because then I will only have 8 more weeks left!!

Bag Lady

Okay, sorry I took a few days off. I admittedly have been slammed with real estate and absolutely loving it. Yeah know, when I got diagnosed my life fell apart. It had to. I had to spend weeks on the coach in shock, unable to move. I had to spend time reading everything I could get my hands on about breast cancer and I needed to do this. It empowered me. The pain of family members calling and not understanding and feeling free to judge and ask me why, I wasn't happier, ect...still is painful. I felt so misunderstood in a time that I needed to just be held. The compassionate person in me can and does understand that they are just people, trying to connect the best they can. But my heart has a ways to go with understanding their questions.
I remember when I was afraid of everything in the beginning. Even questioning and being met with no real answers from my doctors about the simplest life things. After my surgery will I be able to carry heavy grocery bags? Will this cause lymphadema? Yesterday, as I left the grocery store I decided to test this for the first time. The once unconscious act of carrying multiple bags in my right and left arms. Well, yesterday I carried two heavy bags with that right arm. I thought to myself, "wow, I am doing it. It doesn't cause any discomfort. I think its safe." That is how my life feels again. I think its safe to be Heather again.
A friend Anna from Vashon made a collague for me. Its a beautiful yellow flower that has shattered glass swirled in a beautiful pattern around its budding flower. This is how my life has and still feels. I was that beautiful radiant flower that gleamed all that I am. And then, cancer came into my life. It shattered the mirror of my life into a million pieces and it was up to me to get them into a beautiful pattern. As I was not going to let cancer make an ugly pattern of my life. So for the past few months I alone, have taken each piece of my shattered life and begun putting it into a beautiful mosaic again. I cannot put the mirror back the way it was. That is impossible, and I don't want to. I want to see all the ways that life isn't perfect and see the beauty in it.
In fact, I am starting to feel empowered again. So, to the people that thought I was being destructive, or that I should be working faster than I was able to, or that I was not "doing" to their unknown (because they have never had cancer, nor had to face their mortality, at a young age) standards, I AM BACK. THE WAY YOU WANTED ME. BUT ON MY TERMS. AND ON MY CLOCK. I am so proud of the way I have gone through this and frankly, I made it. I feel good. Cancer isn't just about facing treatment and making it. Its about facing my life, and facing mortality and being brave to know that noone can tell me if I am going to make it 100% and thats the real truth, not to mention what I had to go through with the whole fertility thing.
So, Heather is trickling back into my blood. I am back tentatively attacking real estate again. I actually am enjoying it tremendously. My office rocks. I love going there and have such support from my family there. From the beginning. Support that hasn't gone away with time.
I still have about five months to go. But I am starting to learn to live with my cancer treatment and all the unknowns. I don't get to know if my cancer counts are going down during this, I just get to have faith that they are. I will get to wait until January to know if I am in fact in remission and that I am living cancer free. So for today, I get to go forward with a beautiful sunny day and I get four more good days until my last AC. I am not looking forward to feeling sick again, and having my soul sucked from my veins. I get to just hope that Taxol is easier and that it gives me a few good days in between the treatments. I am scared that I won't. Changing to weekly chemo treatments brings a bit of anxiety to me. But at least I am now carrying grocery bags and going for bike rides.

Choices

Today, D and I went to our friends child's first birthday party. It was a lot of fun. Everyone there had kids and I couldn't help but notice. The days of being in this situation and having it absolutely KILL me are long gone. Today I just got to notice it and thank god that I am not a mom with breast cancer. I did have fleeting moments of being pissed that I have cancer and that I am dealing with this. I wish I could have chimed in with the other mom's bitching that I haven't slept and how hard being a parent is. Instead, I got to sit back and reflect on how much I will cherish those anguished moments. Life is forever changed and being forced my nature to step my child bearing years aside is yet another lesson I get to learn right now.
As I was at the party I also got to reflect on choices and how we each get to make them all day everyday. I get to decide each day how I am going to react to things and wether or not I am going to empowered or be victimized. I of coarse, having a mother that taught the victim thing very well now how that choice isn't me. You can see the victimized a mile away. The whoa is me, people. I mean people, wake up. Live YOUR life. Dare to ask for what you deserve. Dare to believe that you are the magician in your life. Dare to trust that people are there. Cancer has really taught me this even more. I mean, I have had to dare to ask people for a helping hand. To ask for meals to be delivered the Mondays after chemo. The hard part after asking, is RECEIVING. That is hard and for most woman even harder. So, today these are the little (big) lessons I get to reflect on and cherish. When I am all better, this Heather is going to be a stronger Heather. I will not sit back and take no for an answer with the things in my heart that are dear to me. If no is the answer, then I need to move on and make it so that Yes is my answer. Yes, because life is too short to be wasting time on brick walls. Life is too precious.

Radiating Sun

I feel like the radiating sun today because I am full of thankfulness for this time. The time to be "Heather" again, and I haven't gotten this luxury since I was diagnosed on June 2. The past few months have been filled with every emotion under the stars while I tried to grasp the actuality that I was living with Breast Cancer, and of coarse the Fertility stuff. Then it was my first chemo treatment and then dealing with the repercussions of it. Now, today, yippee!! I have no worries, I am in treatment, I am out of pain, I have my mind back and solely to myself. I get to think about having cancer now every other moment instead of every second. Sure, my little stubbles of hair are falling out all over the place but that's fun. I actually am TOTALLY loving rocking the short hair do! Its fun.
I am pretty sure when I see my doctor tomorrow he is going to continue the IV antibiotics. My hand is still pretty swollen. But, I have been wrong about most things concerning my body lately so, who really knows.

Sky High Estrogen Levels

Okay, I am laughing because I feel totally normal.  Totally, 100% normal, but D is loosing his mind with me.  To quote him, "You're driving me crazy."  I told him, "Remember what the doc's said.  I might get really emotional.  And I feel normal, and I think you are being the jerk.  Try to remember what the doc's said, and it will be over in a couple of days."  Folks, I feel like I am being the sweetest person possible.  And my husband is very insensitive.  

To put a framework up for you so you have an idea of my estrogen levels.  The high for a normal cycle is between 400-500.  As of today, around 9 am my level was 1, 638.  Holly shit!  I am so convinced that I am acting and feeling normal that I don't want to say, "Poor D."  Although, maybe I should.  I feel like sleeping on the coach I am so annoyed.  Pretty funny, I guess.  

To give you all a little lesson in IVF, as I just learned what I thought was wrong.  The med's I've been taking are just keeping those eggs alive so that they continue to mature.  What is causing the estrogen levels to sky rocket into, watch out your driving me mad status, are all those 12 eggs that are maturing.  Remember, us girls usually just have one egg that matures and those PMS symptoms are from one egg.  Well, I have 12 eggs that are pumping me full of sweetness, sweet as cherry pie.  I am serious!  I am a joy to be around!!  So, the little follicles, that are holding my eggs are getting bigger and bigger.  

I have one last golden shot remaining.  I get to give it precisely at 9 PM tonight and then no more shots.  This shot, will trigger me (I forgot to ask what that means) and then exactly 35 hours later I will be in the surgery room getting all those eggs out of me.  Thursday morning at 7:30 is when we need to be there.  I can't wait to have this done with.  The IVF stuff has been taking up so much of my time and worry in my head.  I am ready to start focusing on support groups, meeting up with other ladies in my area that are Triple Negatives, and getting my healing together.  

This whole thing of getting sick to get better thing is still very foreign to me.  I look to be the picture of health and it is hard to believe I have cancer.  I have a disease in me that is slowly taking my life from me!  Unbelievable!!  

What is Normal?

I am struggling with this sentence?  I have heard D say to me numerous times that he is wanting to move through this, me having breast cancer, as if his life is normal, and that I can have a normal life too, if I want.  It is me that is deciding to not have a "normal" life.  Whatever this means.  Does this mean that all the people that say they have continued with their "normal" lives did these things:  .1. they kept working .2. they were still the happy go lucky people before they got diagnosed .3. their lives were not full of fear, anticipation, angst, sadness, longing for old.  Really, what does, "I can have a normal life if I wanted to mean?" How am I supposed to go back to what was?  I cannot do massage yet, my Doctor said no, and I should wait until I am healed.  Am I supposed to do Real Estate full time?  Impossible!  Maybe, everyone that said they worked full time still, as if they were "normal" worked behind a desk.  

Giving massage right now seems, to me, maybe not to you, but to me inherently wrong.  How is it that I am to heal myself of a major illness and harness the strength to heal someone else?  Forget about real estate completely.  That job is the most STRESSFUL job one can have.  Forget about it!  I'd rather raise twins during this time than be an agent.

My life is not normal, nor will it ever be again.  Maybe D's life is normal, or maybe he can ignore that everything in my life is falling apart, because that is what he has to do to get through this.  Maybe that is a guy's way of dealing with a major illness.  But my life is 100 % affected.  My mind, my heart, my body, my fertility, my hair (i may be grey when this is all done, i've read), my spirit, my soul, *uck I have to look at my mortality daily.  There isn't a moment that goes by that I miss my old life.  My life that 100% I cannot go back to.  My life is changed.  Maybe D's isn't, but mine is.  

The other thing I have to remind myself is that D hasn't gone through major illness before with others and so he doesn't know what to do. Last night when I was falling asleep, I told him I was scared.  He said, "Don't tell me that because I get scared too."  So many things all at once, it is incredibly painful.  I have no idea what I am going to do when this is all over.  I may decide to be an Oncologist.  Who knows?  You all may be throwing dirt on my grave, who knows.  Really.  Who knows.  The limits are endless.  The possibilities are endless.  

And one more thing I have been thinking about.  This is not Beat, with or By Attitude.  I 100% believe, my ability to use visualization and positive is a great thing to do, and I spend about 75% of my day doing just that.  I am positive.  But come on.  Really!  What this boils down to is wether or not my body is going to "take" the chemo.  And from there, that is where I can have a good attitude.  If I am sick, I can remember that I found it, at least.  If I am 100% healed I can be happy as a laughing babe.  If my cancer metastizes than, I can be happy that I am alive that day.  So, yes, I see what attitude means.  But the little scientist in me is so sick of hearing that it, being my survival, is all about my, attitude.  

I am scared shitless about my upcoming chemo treatment.  I have absolutely no idea how my body is going to react to the chemicals.  And I have the absolute right to be scared.  I need my hand held.   Major illnesses in ones life, is one of those crucial, life times that people generally need support from their loved ones.  D thinks that he wouldn't.  He would just take a cab to his appointments, and he may very well be like that if he got sick.  I would have to honor that however hard that would be for me.  We all go through a major illness in our own way.   Luckily for me, I have lots of good friends and family that are dear to me and I want to open my heart to receiving all this love.  That in and of itself, is tough.  To open up to being loved without "doing" anything or giving anything back.  This is one of the most beautiful experiences I have felt in my life, this one gesture.  Simply on the basis of the intent is coming from a PURE place.  

It Looks Like

Well, those little follicles are turning into big follicles.  Follicles that are in my ovaries, not on my head.  If I understand correctly, this IVF cycle pumps me full of estrogen and causes ALL of my follicles to become matured.  In a regular cycle, our bodies naturally pick one follicle to mature and that is the star of the month out of all the 5-20 eggs that get released.  The IVF cycle captures all of those follicles by using all the estrogen shots (my tummy is getting sore), I am now up to 4 a day.  My ovaries are supposed to get really really big and it will make it easier for the fertility doctor to go in and grab the eggs.  

I told the nurse and my doctor about the vintage car parade cry, and we had a good laugh.  I booked a massage to give tomorrow night and luckily I listened to the little voice that said, "call your doctor."  My doctor put the cabash on doing any massage until I am completely healed.  The risk is me developing lymphadema, and it isn't worth it.  My little worker bee in me is instead going to channel my energies into support groups this week. There is a young survivors meeting at the Gilda Club of Seattle. I am excited to meet some young women my age that are going through what I am.  I have one more week of fun living before I start chemo. Man, the anticipation is killing me.  

Vashon Island

D and I went over to Vashon Island today for the annual Strawberry Festival, and it felt good to open my heart and be comforted by my community out there.  My heart has been in the dumps lately.  As the precipice of chemo is soon to start, it is hard to not be scared and sad.  I have been on the edge of  a huge cliff, knowing that in a few weeks I will have to blindly jump and hope that I land on the ground with my two feet intact.  I've been thinking how bizarre it is that I have had one body my whole life and now I am going to put hard core toxic chemicals into my body.  I may very well not have the same capacity when I am finished.  My hands and feet could be numb. Shit, who knows how many side effects I will actually develop, if any at all.

Today was a fertility appointment in the morning.  I found out my estrogen levels are now 1003.  On Monday they were less than 100.  If that gives you any idea how emotional I have been.  Today, I cried as the vintage cars passed by. I couldn't help myself.  I thought about all the owners of those cars and how life passes by and stuff remains.  Stuff is passed on and I couldn't help but laugh at my tears.  

At the village green stage we caught my friend Sarah Christine play her set.  Friends that have heard my news came and sat with me and I cried some more.  I cried not because I am sad that I have Breast Cancer.  But because of my youth (I grew up there from the age of 17) that is now gone and how incredibly magick it was.  Each friend that came up to me, I have had many experiences with each of them that has helped me to develop into the woman I am today.  OH!  Those estrogen levels.  To put that spin on top of everything else right now, just adds to the Twilight Zone effect.

After we had enough of walking around looking at stuff, stuff we didn't need, we drove south to the town of Burton.  It is a quaint little town that is one of my favorite places on this earth.  My favorite little post office, where the mail people know your name, a little auto shop (where I was taught in my early 20's how to put new rotors on my volvo station wagon- I loved the overalls), it has a little gallery, and the Burton Store, a Vashon Landmark!

We stopped by and visited my friends Hans and Marife and were able to relax to the point that I almost fell asleep on their sofas.  Today, was a good day.  I didn't feel like I "had" cancer.  The idea is still so foreign. How is it that I have cancer?  I am the symbol of health.  I know this because I feel it and because so many people say that to me, once I tell them the news.  Cancer has no agenda.  No one type of person.  I can't wait for the day that perhaps someone will be able to say, "Ah-ha!  Here is your little fucking culprit, this is why."  Today was a good day.  I feel like I have had a summer.  My skin got lots of Vitamin D and I feel good.  

One more thing before I go.  Supposedly, Vitamin D deficiency is thought to be possibly a key indicator of a possible cancer sign.  For those of you that think this, I will say one word.  Bullshit!  At my last check-up, my Vitamin D levels were checked.  Shockingly my results came back, Perfect.  Above perfect in fact.  Rare for people living in the PNW.  But true.  So, there!  Give me another reason!

Where have the hummingbirds gone?

My hair is cut and I'm not okay with it.  Please don't tell me its okay.  It is not.  It isn't about the hair and it is not about how people will perceive me.  I could careless if I am beautiful or not.  My body is what it is.  End of story on that.  I am pissed because this isn't the hair cut I wanted. I didn't want to have short hair.  I wanted to have long hair.  This may seem ridiculous to some. D hit the nail on the head when he said, "It just isn't the hair cut you wanted."  For me the sadness is because I have so many things being taken from me right now.  I do not have a choice.  

The west seattle street fair is this weekend.  Walking around up there is horrible.  I remember last year, how I felt at this little street fair.  I know that my usual little hummingbird self is happy and cheerful.  I just don't feel that way.  I feel like my spirit was crushed.  And THIS is what I am sad about.  I feel broken.  I don't feel sorry for myself.  I don't wish something was different.  I don't wish anything.  That is the problem.  I don't feel empowered.  I just feel blah.  I feel like my eternal fountain of happiness and cheer and ability to see the bright side of any situation as stopped flowing.  I worry that it won't come back.  I worry that D can feel this gloominess and I wonder if he will stop being attracted to me.  Not because of my hair, but because the spirit of the woman he married has changed. Has it changed forever, who knows.  I am scared of the depths of sadness and shock I am in.  

It could be a torrential downpour outside and that would be fine.  Even that is horrible.  I used to love summer.  I need to pull my head out of the self-deprecating, but its hard.  Because there is no normal to go back to.  Normal doesn't exist anymore.  Normal life is gone.  I am in a transition, but one that just realized I am in transition.  My little car light just flashed, need oil.  I still need to go to the store and get the oil (chemo) and then put it in and then hopefully that is all the car needed and I can start racing around town again.  

Long Walks and Steaks

My sis is here and we went for a six mile walk from my house, here in West Seattle down to Alki and back up the hill to home.  She kept stopping, and here I am going to have her type in what she thinks of that walk.

Wendy says, "It sucks walking with you. Especially going up all the hills.  You have breast cancer and your in better shape than I'm in, without breast cancer."  I loved that!  We had a great time.  My Dad had to go in today to see if he needed Angioplasty.  I think that is how you spell it.  I asked him last night if he was okay, and he said, "Sure.  I just wish I had time to have two more steaks."  For those of you that do not know my Dad, he could (he'd be uncomfortable) but he could have them in one seating.  This made me mad, which is my usual response to his indifference to his health.  But this time, he couldn't blow off my fury because I have something in common, and I won't let him get off this easy anymore.  I felt that this is a good thing to bring up in my blog because we all do things that we know we shouldn't be doing for our health. 

Not often in a child's life, do kids get to teach their parents lessons.  Occasionally that does happen, and oh, do I love it when it does.  My little chest feathers get in a furl over it!  Last night when he made the steak comment I said, "Dad, I have the same thing going on right now. I love to eat sugar, and I can't anymore.  Sugar is the Devil for Cancer.  I totally understand how it is to want something you know you shouldn't be having.  And it sucks.  But Dad, I have to stop myself. I have to have the strength to stop myself.  I have to stop having ALL forms of sugar."  

So, I know how he feels and I have more compassion for everyone that needs to be exercising regularly but doesn't.  But if WE want to live, we, as in all you, have to start putting the right fuel into our bodies and start working out daily.  Even if it is a walk.  It is much easier and funnier I will add, to have a delicious little cookie or whatever.  But I just can't anymore.  And Dad, you need to stop eating red meat!  

Onto another note.  I am getting my hair wacked short tomorrow.  This time tomorrow I will have had a short do for two hours.  Not looking forward to having short/bald hair for a year.  I am increasingly becoming more and more emotional or controlling or whatever you want to call it.  My fertility shots are boosting my estrogen levels sky freaking high so that they can harvest the eggs.  The Doc warned us of this, but I didn't think it would happen.  I still don't notice it happening, but poor D keeps saying, "Relax."  I guess it is happening.  

Pixie cut

My sis is on her way down from Eugene, she should be here within the hour.  I need her moral support when I get my hair freakin' chopped off on Friday.  I am not looking forward to it at all.  I am really sad about it, however vain it is.  I loved my hair, it was the longest it had ever been and I just hate not accomplishing a goal.  My goal was to get it down to my butt.  It will take probably ten years to get it that long again.  Besides the fertility thing, this is the runner up with being pissed at something.  You know what?  I am going to make a Pissed off list right now.

1.  Possible menopause and will be not be able to conceive naturally (which sucks. I always dreamt about the day looking into my man's eyes and saying, "let's make a baby."

2.  Cutting my hair down to nothing and then being bald

3.  Not being able have an awesome August and September in the PNW

4.  Not doing real estate as hard core as I was

5. Not being able to carry heavy things, i.e. my massage table

6. Worrying that chemo might not work

7.  Dying and having D love someone else

8.  Dying 

9.  Not eating sugar anymore

10. Not eating baked goods 

11. Worrying about having cancer come back

12.  Worrying about wether or not I should even have kids now

13.  Having so many things ripped from me that I can't even think anymore.

14. The ability to think about having kids and being indulgent with thinking about being a mom is GONE!  That sucks.

So that is a list and that list doesn't seem so dark and horrible.  I must be forgetting something.  So yep, the hair gets to be cut short as a boy's in a few days and that sucks.  The non-sucky thing lately is that my fertility doc's were afraid my follicles were too big and they weren't going to get many eggs.  As it looks today, I have 10-15 eggs, that's awesome!  I am still going to divide them up, as D just isn't sure.  I am sure he would be more reflective if he wasn't in the middle of building a house, and trying to be there 100% for a wife that has breast cancer.  It is so messed up.  OH!  I just thought of #14.  My sis should be here soon.  D is stoked, he gets off of dish duty for a few days!!

Treatment and all that Jazz

I sure was hoping that I wasn't going to need chemo.  But ALL Triple Negative breast cancer patients get it.  It is all we have.  My final diagnosis is T1c.  I am a stage 1, which is awesome!  I did catch it early!!  But what he doesn't like is that I am a Triple Negative.  The numbers look like this for me.  One in 6 will get a second recurrence within the first two years.  Which freaks me out a little.  Driving home we were on a little road that merged us onto the West Seattle bridge.  I told D, its like all of us cars are Triple Negative Breast Cancer Survivor's and one of six cars will just blow up.  It will get that cancer back.  

Those odds are not that great.  I am mean, should I be happy that one in six of my friends could die?  No, I don't think that is good.  But, if I want to put on the happy hat with all its charms and whistles sure, I only have a 15% chance., that's low.  My margins around the tumor were all good except the back one.  The Doc's like to get a 1cm all around the tumor and the back one is 1mm.  He said he was happy with that and so was the surgeon because in the back, the Pectoralis Major muscle is a sheath that stops/protects the cancer from spreading.  This isn't that reassuring and even D said, I hope you don't get to worried about that.  He said he could see my overtly expressive face freaking out about it, or maybe he can see the springs in my brain popping over it.  This whole thing is unnerving.

There always seems to be some twist to make me never feel safe.  I am settling or learning how to settle into the true unknown's I get to live with for the rest of my life.  My Oncologist that I always want to hug goodbye, said that after 5 years, my numbers of recurrence drop tremendously.  So it looks like I will be crossing my fingers, for five years thanks to my tumor not being positive for any of these hormones.   

I will be starting treatment after they have harvested my eggs, so in about two weeks.  We are getting our floors refinished probably next weekend, so that monday, maybe the 21st.  I will let you know.  My chemo will be for 4 months.  I will have A/C and T, probably Taxol.  Then I will get 3 weeks off for good behavior and then 6 or so weeks of radiation and then I will be done!!  

Day of Surgery

I am laying in bed typing.  I just gave myself my second fertility shot.  I am trying to not think about the bubbles I saw that I didn't get out of the needle.  I tried to, clicked the needle and then pushed the blunger thing up to make a little drop, or two.  But as I started injecting it I saw bubbles.  I was afraid I'd waste more medicine so I didn't do the whole bubble drop thing again.   Yesterday I got a little sick from the shot, 45 min. after the shot.  Within an hour I felt okay and normal again.  

I woke myself up screaming, "NO," last night.  My heart was racing and I was afraid someone was going to inject me with more medicine.  I really don't have much to say this morning.  I am not as ready for my Lumpectomy as I had hoped.  Although, I am not sure if you're ever ready for surgery.  I don't know how typing will be.  I might as my friend Gen to type for me for a while.  I wonder if I'll be able to extend my right arm enough to even type.  We'll well see.  I am going to go wake up my mother in law.

Simply Sad

All the masks I've worn in the past month have been put aside today.  My brain is numb, I can't remember little things, I feel fuzzy.  I feel like I am in a blurry tornado.  I am exhausted, yet ready for a fight.  Ready to learn more about myself.  Ready to see how deep I can dive.  Wondering if my lungs will collapse.  Although I know they won't.  I am back at that first week of feeling. Feelings of utter despair.  Surgery is tomorrow and I am freaked out.  

I will be admitted at 9 am.  At 11 I have a radio active dye injected into my right breast just above the nipple to help my surgeon locate my sentinel nodes.  If you are wondering what sentinel nodes are, my visual may help you.  I keep thinking of my lymph nodes like a bee hive.  And the Queen bee are my sentinel nodes.  They are the lymph nodes that get all the garbage dumped at them first, all the garbage that comes off my chest.  So the dye, theoretically would show the Doc where the cancer would spread to first.  They pull these guys out and any others that feel hard to the touch.  As hard ones, would indicate possible cancer.  They would then biopsy them and I will know within a few days if they have cancer.  

The thing that I have been bracing myself with all day, (I have to think of the possible bad outcomes so I am protected) is that they know of one node that was a few weeks ago 1.5cm's.  That isn't a small size.  So, if that isn't one of my sentinel nodes, that would possibly (all the possibilities of life-you gotta love them) indicate that the cancer has moved to other nodes and other places.  I read in Susan Loves The Breast that the scans I have done only detect chunks of cancer.  And when I remember my surgeon saying that they won't know if they got all the cancer, that is why I have to do Chemo.  Oh!  I just do a doozie on myself.  Putting stats together that may very well not belong together and I just have to reign in those horses.  So, you see, I am worried that the cancer is traveling around.  

The feeling when my Oncologist palpated those big node was a horrible icky, finger nails scratching to the tenth degree, painful and icky.  So, I want that thing out of me.  Today I called both my surgeon and Oncologist to confirm that they both know about that darn node and I want it out.  

My mother in law is here and will be for a few days.  I mistakenly told my Dad and my sis that I wanted them to come later, and today I realized I wanted them here.  This was a little too late.  I have been focusing on how sick I may be with Chemo, and wanted them here then.  What I didn't get until today, is that this is HUGE what I am going through, and them coming here is different than just coming to visit.  I have to stop worrying about inconveincing them but the fact is is that We all need to need each other now.  This cancer effects everyone in our families.  

My poor Dad finally brought himself to reading my blog.  The pain he must be going through, I feel for you Dad.  I can't wait to understand the depth of loving a child, like you love me.  Speaking of, not only have I been getting ready for surgery all day, I also gave myself my FIRST fertility SHOT!  I was able to do it, and it didn't hurt at all.  I am going to try to get some sleep.  I can't eat or drink anymore tonight or in the morning.  I am really scared to finally know what they can find out about this cancer.  It is doubly scary having something that they are unable to know exactly what this cancer is about.  The positive note, my statistics will help some new woman my age next year, with hers.