The little things that I am enjoying are:
1. Putting yummy stuff that smells delicious and sexy in my hair
2. Driving down the road and feeling the wind blow through my hair
3. Getting out of the shower and running my fingers through my wet hair
4. HAIR, HAIR, Hair
5. Enjoying that my hair didn't grow back in my under arms! Yes!
6. I just got my eyebrows waxed for the first time in a year
7. painting my finger nails, they are almost all grown back
8. Feeling healthy and strong
9. Amped on my innate strength and hummingbird self coming to life
10. tasting water again
11. tasting all foods, including pepper again!
12. putting smell good senses on my body
13. caring about how my hair looks : )
14. feeling vanity in my eyes when I look at myself in the mirror
15. seeing my cheeckbones
16. seeing my stomach muscles, barely, but I see them
17. fitting into almost all my old clothes
18. shaving my legs
The list goes on and on.
Some weird things that I have noticed is that this past week only, and just twice I get this chemo taste in my mouth. Its disgusting and makes me shiver. I also saw a husband of a wife who was getting chemo at the same time as me, and I almost got sick. I shook all over, ick!
I'm off to the island to lay in the sun and visit with friends, its the Strawberry Festival. Should be good times.
Showing posts with label chemotherapy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label chemotherapy. Show all posts
Saturday, July 18, 2009
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Okay, Okay, O-KKK--AAA-YYYY
Okay, already. I'll go on the medicine, Colichine (spelling may be wrong) for a year. Every freakin' day. After I go kick and screaming. Isn't there a food that I can take to take away the inflammation? Sure, there is. But really, I need to not mess around with this. What just happened to me was really really not good for me. Its taken me a week to get my sails up. Albeit, steroid induced insanity. For some reason, this time my side-effects are TOTALLY different. I am super manic, intense (more than usual~watch out), and aggressive. My sister joked around "Roid rage".
So....Dr. K asked me if I wanted to go on anything to help relax me. When he started explaining what the med's were for, I said, "stop. No thanks." I'll try meditating and doing yoga each day instead. I'm slowly getting tapered off the steroids, so here we go. If I don't go on this colichine, than I have to stay on predisone. So, we'll give it a try and cross my fingers that I don't have another attack.
As far as exercise, I can start today. I misunderstood my Onc in the hospital. He thinks the exercise just exhasberated the inflammation and was NOT, NOT the cause of my recent attack. He agrees that I would've had it regardless.
Good news..I've lost 6 pounds in 4 days. Lots of water weight. I feel the best I've felt in a while. Well, in a way. Other ways, I feel a little jittery, and excessively hyper.
So....Dr. K asked me if I wanted to go on anything to help relax me. When he started explaining what the med's were for, I said, "stop. No thanks." I'll try meditating and doing yoga each day instead. I'm slowly getting tapered off the steroids, so here we go. If I don't go on this colichine, than I have to stay on predisone. So, we'll give it a try and cross my fingers that I don't have another attack.
As far as exercise, I can start today. I misunderstood my Onc in the hospital. He thinks the exercise just exhasberated the inflammation and was NOT, NOT the cause of my recent attack. He agrees that I would've had it regardless.
Good news..I've lost 6 pounds in 4 days. Lots of water weight. I feel the best I've felt in a while. Well, in a way. Other ways, I feel a little jittery, and excessively hyper.
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
I think I'm better
You know, when my Onc told me to get the utlra sound for my heart because he was concerned something else more sinister might be happening I told him, "I don't feel like there is water around my heart." The little hippie girl in me that like to believe I can just check in with myself and know what's going on has been teased mercifully since I got diagnosed with cancer. I had no idea I had cancer, and I had no idea I had two liters and a pint of agua in my chest cavity.
Today, I get to go see my Onc and get another chest xray and I am excited. I do not know if its possible, but I feel like I've lost 30 pounds in the past few weeks. I have slowly been ballooning up more and more, and know that I am done with the chemo for almost a month, and had the procedure to let me heart start working properly again, my body is just flushing out all the water weight I gained. It was so hard each week getting on the scale, sometimes in a week gaining 10 pounds. I wasn't eating any different than I normally would when I was on the last chemo drug, Taxotere. Now, the AC totally different story! Do you guys remember the every two hour wake up and eat steroid induced insomnia I as having. That was horrible. If I was a wealthy woman, and could have had paid a friend to stop her life to come and live with me during this time I would have. To wake up all those hours and be able to talk to someone, to make me food. : )
So today is chest x-ray day. They can't really ever tell me exactly how much water is in there, but last nights sleep was the best so far. I don't think I can remember waking up feeling my lungs hurt when I rolled on to either side. Yesterday was my best day, so far in months and months. I am really emotional and am crying a lot and that is just the way it is. I am not judging myself, the cancer took that one away. If I am in my office and something touches me, or if someone tells me something and it touches my heart I cry. I cry because life is so freakin' precious and people and their stories and my story just makes me cry like a four year old who doesn't yet know that sometimes in an adults life its not okay to cry. I am sure life will callous this gift cancer gave me, but until then, I like I did yesterday, start crying when my broker gave me a hug as I was leaving the office yesterday and cry myself to the car. Life is tough.
Back to the doc's I am also really really excited to get on the scale. If you guys remember the topping weight was an unbelievable 173.2 and I left the hospital at 155, and I am feeling like mmm...lets see maybe 147 now. I can't wait to see. I started out at 138, and am excited to get back there. What I am even more excited about it being 138, but being fit. Seeing my leg muscles again, and being able to twirl around like the tasmanian devil "doing" things.
The other thing that I've seriously started contemplating is borrowing my friend Leighs hair extensions. She's battled and now WON. (and she's just a wee bit older than ) throat and tongue cancer for 5 years. Well, she bought herself some very expensive hair extensions and I am over looking like I have cancer. Now that I am nearing the end of my treatment I want to look pretty again. She said I need to have a little more hair so they can put them on, and I am really excited about this. In fact, I've just for sure decided, I am going to do it. The lesson of going bald and learning how be different in this world was a very valuable thing for me. I got my feelings hurt on a regular basis. And then I learned that especially with the kids that just cannot help them selves from running over like in the grocery store and looking at me with a quadruple take for me just to say to them, "I know I look kind of funny without any hair." That always cracks a smile on their curiosity and they go off running in the direction of their parents. Maybe I learned how to deal with it, and maybe I just got used to it....NOT!!
Today, I get to go see my Onc and get another chest xray and I am excited. I do not know if its possible, but I feel like I've lost 30 pounds in the past few weeks. I have slowly been ballooning up more and more, and know that I am done with the chemo for almost a month, and had the procedure to let me heart start working properly again, my body is just flushing out all the water weight I gained. It was so hard each week getting on the scale, sometimes in a week gaining 10 pounds. I wasn't eating any different than I normally would when I was on the last chemo drug, Taxotere. Now, the AC totally different story! Do you guys remember the every two hour wake up and eat steroid induced insomnia I as having. That was horrible. If I was a wealthy woman, and could have had paid a friend to stop her life to come and live with me during this time I would have. To wake up all those hours and be able to talk to someone, to make me food. : )
So today is chest x-ray day. They can't really ever tell me exactly how much water is in there, but last nights sleep was the best so far. I don't think I can remember waking up feeling my lungs hurt when I rolled on to either side. Yesterday was my best day, so far in months and months. I am really emotional and am crying a lot and that is just the way it is. I am not judging myself, the cancer took that one away. If I am in my office and something touches me, or if someone tells me something and it touches my heart I cry. I cry because life is so freakin' precious and people and their stories and my story just makes me cry like a four year old who doesn't yet know that sometimes in an adults life its not okay to cry. I am sure life will callous this gift cancer gave me, but until then, I like I did yesterday, start crying when my broker gave me a hug as I was leaving the office yesterday and cry myself to the car. Life is tough.
Back to the doc's I am also really really excited to get on the scale. If you guys remember the topping weight was an unbelievable 173.2 and I left the hospital at 155, and I am feeling like mmm...lets see maybe 147 now. I can't wait to see. I started out at 138, and am excited to get back there. What I am even more excited about it being 138, but being fit. Seeing my leg muscles again, and being able to twirl around like the tasmanian devil "doing" things.
The other thing that I've seriously started contemplating is borrowing my friend Leighs hair extensions. She's battled and now WON. (and she's just a wee bit older than ) throat and tongue cancer for 5 years. Well, she bought herself some very expensive hair extensions and I am over looking like I have cancer. Now that I am nearing the end of my treatment I want to look pretty again. She said I need to have a little more hair so they can put them on, and I am really excited about this. In fact, I've just for sure decided, I am going to do it. The lesson of going bald and learning how be different in this world was a very valuable thing for me. I got my feelings hurt on a regular basis. And then I learned that especially with the kids that just cannot help them selves from running over like in the grocery store and looking at me with a quadruple take for me just to say to them, "I know I look kind of funny without any hair." That always cracks a smile on their curiosity and they go off running in the direction of their parents. Maybe I learned how to deal with it, and maybe I just got used to it....NOT!!
Monday, December 29, 2008
Know when to stop
I have learned during this whole thing more about my body and have gotten even more in tune with it. If I push myself on my good days too hard, I always pay for it. The longer this chemo goes on for, the quicker this happens to me. Today was a good day. It started off with some energy. Energy enough to clean the kitchen, and take a break. Do some laundry, and take a break. And then do some paperwork, do some more paperwork, drive to the office and sit and do more paperwork and then I started to go down hill. My neck and ribs have been bothering me and so I drove to my chiropractor. I should have stopped there and gone home after this appointment but I was close to Whole Foods and everything at PCC is making me nauseous so I went there. I was sick walking in and tried to focus on buying food that I will eat and that's good for me.
I am home now laying in bed with a pounding headache and a queazy belly. I didn't finish all that damn paperwork today, so I am hoping tomorrow is a good day so I can get it all done. We sold our house the day before Thanksgiving (can't remember if I already said that) and it closes on January the 8th. I would normally be packing and such but I just cannot do it. I simply do not have it in me to do that. I just have it in me to get all our paperwork in order for the move.
Speaking of paperwork. I have been diligent with keeping every single insurance paperwork and filing it away. I always joke around that my bill is at least up to $400,000 worth of medical costs. Each chemo alone is about $30,000. That's 16 total of just them. Oh, wait, I just did the math on that, that = $480,000 so my costs are way higher than that. If I didn't have kick ass health insurance what would I do? What kind of care would I get? Anyways, that file is really really thick, like about an inch and a half thick. I can't wait till this is all done so I can add everything up and see how ridiculous the charges are.
I am home now laying in bed with a pounding headache and a queazy belly. I didn't finish all that damn paperwork today, so I am hoping tomorrow is a good day so I can get it all done. We sold our house the day before Thanksgiving (can't remember if I already said that) and it closes on January the 8th. I would normally be packing and such but I just cannot do it. I simply do not have it in me to do that. I just have it in me to get all our paperwork in order for the move.
Speaking of paperwork. I have been diligent with keeping every single insurance paperwork and filing it away. I always joke around that my bill is at least up to $400,000 worth of medical costs. Each chemo alone is about $30,000. That's 16 total of just them. Oh, wait, I just did the math on that, that = $480,000 so my costs are way higher than that. If I didn't have kick ass health insurance what would I do? What kind of care would I get? Anyways, that file is really really thick, like about an inch and a half thick. I can't wait till this is all done so I can add everything up and see how ridiculous the charges are.
Monday, October 6, 2008
The M word
I have to admit to myself how utterly sad and scared I am of the M word. The menopause word. My oncologist told me I had a 50/50 chance of coming out of it when I am all done, if I went into it. All I can think about it my darn Vedic Astrologer telling me earlier in the year that my time to have kids was limited. Of coarse, he didn't mention to me my cancer or anything life changing like that. So, maybe he is wrong. And maybe I do have the 50% chance of getting my moon back, and even if I don't I do have those 4 eggs that I can use still. But I am still really sad. Its silly of me to be strong and try to not think about it.
What am I thinking? Just the fact that for the first time since I was 13, my body is having such a hard time that its shutting down. That in and of itself is sad. My poor little ovaries, full of toxins. My tongue feels numb, my fingers and toes are starting to feel numb, and my stomach feels constantly irritated. Poor little body. And yes, I can feel sad. And of coarse I can get worked up over this and start pulling the tissues, or I can wait and cross my fingers and hope that I get it back. Think of my bones if I go into menopause this early!
In the beginning when my Onc was telling me all the possible things that could happen I just heard them with one ear, took notes with one hand, and then let them all pass through me. Trying to not hold on to anything as a concrete possibility. But now that I have actual side effects showing up it makes all the things he said a little truer and scarier. I tried to be so healthy. I ate right, I thought right, I had lots of fun, and I am still where I am today. Crapshoot, crapshoot, crapshoot. And so, sad for a mintue. Break my heart sad, and I will have to save my mourning till later. A later date. A date, when I know for certain that I need to be mourning something. As right now, Heather!! You have to remember that I have a 50% chance of having a normal body back! Right! I need to walk through my days with this thought. This reality, or its going to be too painful. It will take away from my strength that I need to make it through this.
What am I thinking? Just the fact that for the first time since I was 13, my body is having such a hard time that its shutting down. That in and of itself is sad. My poor little ovaries, full of toxins. My tongue feels numb, my fingers and toes are starting to feel numb, and my stomach feels constantly irritated. Poor little body. And yes, I can feel sad. And of coarse I can get worked up over this and start pulling the tissues, or I can wait and cross my fingers and hope that I get it back. Think of my bones if I go into menopause this early!
In the beginning when my Onc was telling me all the possible things that could happen I just heard them with one ear, took notes with one hand, and then let them all pass through me. Trying to not hold on to anything as a concrete possibility. But now that I have actual side effects showing up it makes all the things he said a little truer and scarier. I tried to be so healthy. I ate right, I thought right, I had lots of fun, and I am still where I am today. Crapshoot, crapshoot, crapshoot. And so, sad for a mintue. Break my heart sad, and I will have to save my mourning till later. A later date. A date, when I know for certain that I need to be mourning something. As right now, Heather!! You have to remember that I have a 50% chance of having a normal body back! Right! I need to walk through my days with this thought. This reality, or its going to be too painful. It will take away from my strength that I need to make it through this.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Steroid Feast
Reluctantly, last night I ate two steroids and began my next hurdle of my LAST (yippee) set of Chemo treatment. I had a few minutes of, "Crap, I don't want to start all this again." But, after a little dinner, I downed the tabs and walked into the unknown. I slept pretty well last night, woke up only once. When I did wake up this morning, West Seattle was immersed in a blanket of thick fog. I welcome this change of weather. I want to move forward as fast as I can with all these seasons. It is hard to believe that I have been dealing with all this since early May. That is the day, the little girl in me brought myself to my regular doctor and had no idea what I was in store for in the coming month. She didn't scare me and just referred me off to get checked, just because she wasn't sure. WASN"T SURE!! Thank God forLeslie C. Tregillus, M.D., and that she didn't take a chance with me. DIDN'T TAKE A CHANCE. Huge! Unbelievable.
Those weeks of waiting came and went and I was nervous. But not that nervous. I knew in my gut though. I did. I tried to prepare D for it the "possibility" the best I could. When I got diagnosed I remembered about a year and a half earlier I had this really odd month. I wasn't pregnant, impossible due to my IUD, but I had three sponanteous times that I got really whoozy and then threw up. Maybe this is when I got "Cancer".
Yesterday I watched Oprah's show on BC. I cried a lot. The sisterhood of familiar feelings and depths of loss, only understood by Survivors.
So, today I start the treatment. I have not allowed myself to read what other people experience, just listened to my Onc. I don't want to fill my head with possibilities. I want to have my own experience, and right now I am very impressionable. So, I am protecting myself from myself. My sister is coming this weekend. I hope that I am doing awesome and we get to take a long walk together and make food together and cuddle and hold hands.
Those weeks of waiting came and went and I was nervous. But not that nervous. I knew in my gut though. I did. I tried to prepare D for it the "possibility" the best I could. When I got diagnosed I remembered about a year and a half earlier I had this really odd month. I wasn't pregnant, impossible due to my IUD, but I had three sponanteous times that I got really whoozy and then threw up. Maybe this is when I got "Cancer".
Yesterday I watched Oprah's show on BC. I cried a lot. The sisterhood of familiar feelings and depths of loss, only understood by Survivors.
So, today I start the treatment. I have not allowed myself to read what other people experience, just listened to my Onc. I don't want to fill my head with possibilities. I want to have my own experience, and right now I am very impressionable. So, I am protecting myself from myself. My sister is coming this weekend. I hope that I am doing awesome and we get to take a long walk together and make food together and cuddle and hold hands.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Weekend gone where?
This weekend I worked doing massage and real estate all day long and into night. Old little worker bee Heather came out for a little dance. It felt so good to spend my time the way I did. Sure a camping trip sounds heavenly, but while I feel good I thought I should be working. I am so bummed that Wed is just around the corner. I sure hope this Taxorete is easy on me, as everyone seems to say it will be. AC was really really rough the first time and the second. But each treatment got easier and easier on me. I wonder if it was just that my body was so pure that it took doses of toxic shit to get into me and pollute or kill off everything in me? Maybe now, my body is just full of toxins and so its like no big deal when it gets a new dose of AC. So... I am hoping that is the way it is with this next chemo drug. Although it could totally skip the first one being sucky, that would be okay with me.
I am nervous about the steroids, since I have to start taking mega doses of them. I am afraid that I am going to get fat. Sure D says he doesn't care, but he sure does notice when I get big. I mean, its impossible for him to not notice. I am just really sensitive right now. Its hard to tell someone they look pretty still when I am bald, fat, and red as a beat.
I have been eating lots of fresh fruit and salads and veggies. My body has suddenly been "needing" all that. This makes me happy because for a while there all I wanted was comfort food. Three months is a long time. I am really nervous about this next set.
Word to all. Please call me and cheer me up if you notice that I am having a hard time in the next few months. I am worried that I won't have any good days and that it will be like a horrible run on sentence of pain and icky feelings. If this is the case, I'll need some good jokes told to me on a regular basis.
I am nervous about the steroids, since I have to start taking mega doses of them. I am afraid that I am going to get fat. Sure D says he doesn't care, but he sure does notice when I get big. I mean, its impossible for him to not notice. I am just really sensitive right now. Its hard to tell someone they look pretty still when I am bald, fat, and red as a beat.
I have been eating lots of fresh fruit and salads and veggies. My body has suddenly been "needing" all that. This makes me happy because for a while there all I wanted was comfort food. Three months is a long time. I am really nervous about this next set.
Word to all. Please call me and cheer me up if you notice that I am having a hard time in the next few months. I am worried that I won't have any good days and that it will be like a horrible run on sentence of pain and icky feelings. If this is the case, I'll need some good jokes told to me on a regular basis.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Down with AC
Yippee! I am so happy that I am finally done, for the rest of my life, with Adriamycin!! No more, and done with Cytoxan! Thrilled. I have been really emotional the past few days. I don't know what is about going to the PCC but I always have a little cry when I am done. This morning, I woke up and cried too. I have moments of disbelief still. I just can't believe it. It, being the simple, very simple truth that I got cancer. I no longer have cancer, it was taken out of me, but just the fact that it grew in the first place. I feel this crazy healthy person rising inside me, and I know that when I am done with this freakin' nightmare of a treatment, or as my Oncologist likes to refer to it, precautionary clean up, I am going to REALLY take care of myself. Not just as in food, but in every aspect of my life. I am going to make sure that I am happy and that I am living and doing what it is the way I want, because life is too short to not live this way.
There will be major changes. But honestly these changes have already begun, they're in the works right now. There is so much to change because of my growth. The growth I guess is what makes me cry, and made me cry today. Its painful.
I get to ask myself each day, "Is this the kind of woman I want to be?"
There will be major changes. But honestly these changes have already begun, they're in the works right now. There is so much to change because of my growth. The growth I guess is what makes me cry, and made me cry today. Its painful.
I get to ask myself each day, "Is this the kind of woman I want to be?"
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
Couldn't be better
Today was such a great day, I got to forget I have breast cancer. I even feel that its right to not capitalize it. How fun today was. I worked all day doing real estate and had a very accomplished day. I don't have much to say other than I am equally bummed that tomorrow is another chemo and thrilled that it is my last of AC. I got a letter this morning from a dear reader that said her sister is on the same treatment as me. She had just as rough a time on AC that I have had but that the three months of Taxol were much easier on her. It was a wonderful way to start my day. I had a big smile of hope on my face and I really do hope that in three weeks time, when I start the Taxol that I find that it is easier.
I will just have to wait and see, and until then have faith that this is going to be the case.
I will just have to wait and see, and until then have faith that this is going to be the case.
Sunday, September 14, 2008
Bag Lady
Okay, sorry I took a few days off. I admittedly have been slammed with real estate and absolutely loving it. Yeah know, when I got diagnosed my life fell apart. It had to. I had to spend weeks on the coach in shock, unable to move. I had to spend time reading everything I could get my hands on about breast cancer and I needed to do this. It empowered me. The pain of family members calling and not understanding and feeling free to judge and ask me why, I wasn't happier, ect...still is painful. I felt so misunderstood in a time that I needed to just be held. The compassionate person in me can and does understand that they are just people, trying to connect the best they can. But my heart has a ways to go with understanding their questions.
I remember when I was afraid of everything in the beginning. Even questioning and being met with no real answers from my doctors about the simplest life things. After my surgery will I be able to carry heavy grocery bags? Will this cause lymphadema? Yesterday, as I left the grocery store I decided to test this for the first time. The once unconscious act of carrying multiple bags in my right and left arms. Well, yesterday I carried two heavy bags with that right arm. I thought to myself, "wow, I am doing it. It doesn't cause any discomfort. I think its safe." That is how my life feels again. I think its safe to be Heather again.
A friend Anna from Vashon made a collague for me. Its a beautiful yellow flower that has shattered glass swirled in a beautiful pattern around its budding flower. This is how my life has and still feels. I was that beautiful radiant flower that gleamed all that I am. And then, cancer came into my life. It shattered the mirror of my life into a million pieces and it was up to me to get them into a beautiful pattern. As I was not going to let cancer make an ugly pattern of my life. So for the past few months I alone, have taken each piece of my shattered life and begun putting it into a beautiful mosaic again. I cannot put the mirror back the way it was. That is impossible, and I don't want to. I want to see all the ways that life isn't perfect and see the beauty in it.
In fact, I am starting to feel empowered again. So, to the people that thought I was being destructive, or that I should be working faster than I was able to, or that I was not "doing" to their unknown (because they have never had cancer, nor had to face their mortality, at a young age) standards, I AM BACK. THE WAY YOU WANTED ME. BUT ON MY TERMS. AND ON MY CLOCK. I am so proud of the way I have gone through this and frankly, I made it. I feel good. Cancer isn't just about facing treatment and making it. Its about facing my life, and facing mortality and being brave to know that noone can tell me if I am going to make it 100% and thats the real truth, not to mention what I had to go through with the whole fertility thing.
So, Heather is trickling back into my blood. I am back tentatively attacking real estate again. I actually am enjoying it tremendously. My office rocks. I love going there and have such support from my family there. From the beginning. Support that hasn't gone away with time.
I still have about five months to go. But I am starting to learn to live with my cancer treatment and all the unknowns. I don't get to know if my cancer counts are going down during this, I just get to have faith that they are. I will get to wait until January to know if I am in fact in remission and that I am living cancer free. So for today, I get to go forward with a beautiful sunny day and I get four more good days until my last AC. I am not looking forward to feeling sick again, and having my soul sucked from my veins. I get to just hope that Taxol is easier and that it gives me a few good days in between the treatments. I am scared that I won't. Changing to weekly chemo treatments brings a bit of anxiety to me. But at least I am now carrying grocery bags and going for bike rides.
I remember when I was afraid of everything in the beginning. Even questioning and being met with no real answers from my doctors about the simplest life things. After my surgery will I be able to carry heavy grocery bags? Will this cause lymphadema? Yesterday, as I left the grocery store I decided to test this for the first time. The once unconscious act of carrying multiple bags in my right and left arms. Well, yesterday I carried two heavy bags with that right arm. I thought to myself, "wow, I am doing it. It doesn't cause any discomfort. I think its safe." That is how my life feels again. I think its safe to be Heather again.
A friend Anna from Vashon made a collague for me. Its a beautiful yellow flower that has shattered glass swirled in a beautiful pattern around its budding flower. This is how my life has and still feels. I was that beautiful radiant flower that gleamed all that I am. And then, cancer came into my life. It shattered the mirror of my life into a million pieces and it was up to me to get them into a beautiful pattern. As I was not going to let cancer make an ugly pattern of my life. So for the past few months I alone, have taken each piece of my shattered life and begun putting it into a beautiful mosaic again. I cannot put the mirror back the way it was. That is impossible, and I don't want to. I want to see all the ways that life isn't perfect and see the beauty in it.
In fact, I am starting to feel empowered again. So, to the people that thought I was being destructive, or that I should be working faster than I was able to, or that I was not "doing" to their unknown (because they have never had cancer, nor had to face their mortality, at a young age) standards, I AM BACK. THE WAY YOU WANTED ME. BUT ON MY TERMS. AND ON MY CLOCK. I am so proud of the way I have gone through this and frankly, I made it. I feel good. Cancer isn't just about facing treatment and making it. Its about facing my life, and facing mortality and being brave to know that noone can tell me if I am going to make it 100% and thats the real truth, not to mention what I had to go through with the whole fertility thing.
So, Heather is trickling back into my blood. I am back tentatively attacking real estate again. I actually am enjoying it tremendously. My office rocks. I love going there and have such support from my family there. From the beginning. Support that hasn't gone away with time.
I still have about five months to go. But I am starting to learn to live with my cancer treatment and all the unknowns. I don't get to know if my cancer counts are going down during this, I just get to have faith that they are. I will get to wait until January to know if I am in fact in remission and that I am living cancer free. So for today, I get to go forward with a beautiful sunny day and I get four more good days until my last AC. I am not looking forward to feeling sick again, and having my soul sucked from my veins. I get to just hope that Taxol is easier and that it gives me a few good days in between the treatments. I am scared that I won't. Changing to weekly chemo treatments brings a bit of anxiety to me. But at least I am now carrying grocery bags and going for bike rides.
Thursday, September 11, 2008
The week of friends
This week friends have brought by a lot of food, and thank you all for that. I honestly haven't been cooking the healthiest possible in the past month, and with the food made with love from you guys, I can just pull it out and it makes life so much easier. I am back to Heather. In fact, D and I are going for a bike ride in a few moments. We are going to try shaving my head today. I have about ten little hairs that are still growing, and so they stand straight up in the air and they are driving me nuts.
I don't have any new major thought provoking ideas to share with you all. It doesn't change. I just have to get through this. Each day, many times through the day, I have to give myself a pep talk and know that I can and will make it through this. I have to give myself these pep talks because its so rough to do what I am doing. Its so disgusting. I say that I would never do it again, but then I think life is worth it. And maybe I would. I just have to say right now that I never would do it again because I can't imagine doing it more than I already need to. In fact, remember when I asked my doctor for the four more treatments of Taxol, because of the 27% increase in survivial rate? Well, right now, and in fact this very second I am listening to myself and my mind, heart, body, and soul now doesn't want to do the extra month. I can't imagine doing it to myself. I could be done with chemo in two months instead of three more. Its going to be each week now (after my last AC, next wed). What if I don't get days of feeling good in between. I know these weeks of feeling good and feeling the joy in my spirit rise again is the ONLY thing that gets me through this. This bike ride I get to go on. The one that I will need to wear a little hat because the wind rustling through the almost bare scalp will be cold. So, can I handle weekly Taxol for three months. No, I know I can't. But then, I know I will. The athlete in me knows I will. I just have to get on my game face, and I am scared. I am so scared, and so sad, and so devestated, and so tired of not feeling good. I am tired of crying and waiting to live life again. I am so pissed.
I don't have any new major thought provoking ideas to share with you all. It doesn't change. I just have to get through this. Each day, many times through the day, I have to give myself a pep talk and know that I can and will make it through this. I have to give myself these pep talks because its so rough to do what I am doing. Its so disgusting. I say that I would never do it again, but then I think life is worth it. And maybe I would. I just have to say right now that I never would do it again because I can't imagine doing it more than I already need to. In fact, remember when I asked my doctor for the four more treatments of Taxol, because of the 27% increase in survivial rate? Well, right now, and in fact this very second I am listening to myself and my mind, heart, body, and soul now doesn't want to do the extra month. I can't imagine doing it to myself. I could be done with chemo in two months instead of three more. Its going to be each week now (after my last AC, next wed). What if I don't get days of feeling good in between. I know these weeks of feeling good and feeling the joy in my spirit rise again is the ONLY thing that gets me through this. This bike ride I get to go on. The one that I will need to wear a little hat because the wind rustling through the almost bare scalp will be cold. So, can I handle weekly Taxol for three months. No, I know I can't. But then, I know I will. The athlete in me knows I will. I just have to get on my game face, and I am scared. I am so scared, and so sad, and so devestated, and so tired of not feeling good. I am tired of crying and waiting to live life again. I am so pissed.
Sunday, September 7, 2008
The only skirt that fits
I've ballooned up again. Its all water weight, I hope. My skin hurts, and I have no clothes that fit. The only thing I can get on my over my hips is a skirt that I put on over my head. I have been so hungry and I have to eat. The steroids make me. They send out this crazy hunger in me that paralyzes all will and I succumb as quickly as I'd imagine a tiny tot with a cookie in front of his/her face. In seconds. My friend Kristen today said, "its sounds just like when I was pregnant."
I didn't sleep again last night. I woke up at 1, at 3, at 5, and then at 6:30, each time just starving and I had to eat. Luckily my sister made lots of little meals for me, so I just would pop a little stuffed red pepper in the oven and eat it up before it was fully warmed. Or yogurt, or a peach...you get the idea. This morning I brought myself out to a nice breakfast, alone. On the drive there, I was so hungry. I didn't stop for a quick pastry, even though my mind was telling me that if this little french restaurant was packed and I had to wait I might go insane with food cravings. Like my mouth would start watering, the corners of my mouth would start to pucker, and I might eat the food off of a sweet little lovebirds table next to me. But I resisted, and luckily there wasn't much of a wait. I tried to disappear within the pages of the book that every girl in America has read, the one you know that everyone carries with them, Love, Eat, and Pray. I do like the book and her travels are fun, especially since she is almost obsessed with food as I am. That brings me an idea, I should read some real "foody" books right now. In fact, if any of you know of one please give me the title. Anyways, so life is about feeding the steroid rage as wendy my sis, and D call it. I hope its gone tomorrow. I have eaten and eaten and honestly this afternoon I am not as starved as I was yesterday. I am feeling much better today. In fact I just woke up from a nap. My body doesn't ache, I can see, and lord I AM MORE THAN HALF WAY FINISHED...with hell. I just have one more AC and then its Taxol baby.
I didn't sleep again last night. I woke up at 1, at 3, at 5, and then at 6:30, each time just starving and I had to eat. Luckily my sister made lots of little meals for me, so I just would pop a little stuffed red pepper in the oven and eat it up before it was fully warmed. Or yogurt, or a peach...you get the idea. This morning I brought myself out to a nice breakfast, alone. On the drive there, I was so hungry. I didn't stop for a quick pastry, even though my mind was telling me that if this little french restaurant was packed and I had to wait I might go insane with food cravings. Like my mouth would start watering, the corners of my mouth would start to pucker, and I might eat the food off of a sweet little lovebirds table next to me. But I resisted, and luckily there wasn't much of a wait. I tried to disappear within the pages of the book that every girl in America has read, the one you know that everyone carries with them, Love, Eat, and Pray. I do like the book and her travels are fun, especially since she is almost obsessed with food as I am. That brings me an idea, I should read some real "foody" books right now. In fact, if any of you know of one please give me the title. Anyways, so life is about feeding the steroid rage as wendy my sis, and D call it. I hope its gone tomorrow. I have eaten and eaten and honestly this afternoon I am not as starved as I was yesterday. I am feeling much better today. In fact I just woke up from a nap. My body doesn't ache, I can see, and lord I AM MORE THAN HALF WAY FINISHED...with hell. I just have one more AC and then its Taxol baby.
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Already?
Chemo day number three. I am not stoked that its here. I feel like I am running the best race of my life and I twisted my ankle and I have to stop. Bummer! I am having so much fun again and now I get to feel like total crap for another week. My sister is on her way up from Eugene. I haven't wanted to talk to her that much this past week because I didn't want to talk about her coming. You know how you do that with guest. The excitement that they are coming. Because she is coming to help us out, there isn't in an excitement to see her because she's coming to help me through this chemo crap. Chemo does weird things to my brain. It makes me sick to even think about today and what's going to happen. I called her yesterday and told her, "okay, I'm ready to talk about you coming. I've got my game hat on again." I was serious. I have to put on my kick ass, or the actual Fuck Cancer hat, my friend Tamara got me to get myself psyched for this. After today, I only have one more AC and that's going to be awesome!!
Monday, August 25, 2008
My Belly's so Full!!!
First of all I have to explain my body's amazing ability yesterday to gain at least, and this is not an exaggeration of at least seven to ten pounds in one day. I woke up with my Dad and my husband all not wanting to say, "Holy shit! You got huge." But it was inevitable. I was. I was so sad all day yesterday. Nothing I put on fit. Nothing. Not even my blouses, they all were so tight in the back that finally I just put on a wife beater and sweats and tried to welcome that my very loose baggy sweat pants were now tight on me everywhere. I went to bed not feeling that great, and an incredible thing happened all night long. I went pee, over and over and over and over. I lost all that weight in one night from urinating. I have no idea if this is from the steroids or the chemo, or what. But I can tell you when I woke up this morning I was back to normal and even D noticed. Very strange.
Today has been spent sleeping and eating. I am what I would say, almost back to normal. This chemo session was totally different, like night and day from the first one. It wasn't as severe and I can say that I just drove for the first time up to get some Pho and I could do it without any strain. As I sat there eating the soup my very bald head started sweating and I got so uncomfortable I had to get it to go. Nowadays I can't eat big portions and it helps to lay down in between shoveling the food in the mouth. There is absolutely nothing sexy or attractive to having cancer and trying to get back to normal after my sessions. My stomach is a raging 18 wheeler truck that can't watch my normal "Food Channels" as I cannot handle the intense food cravings I get for anything I see on the TV. Although I can only eat small portions right now, I can eat lots of them. I just have to lay on the floor in between as if I am making a snow angel in the carpet and relax in between the stuffings.
I realize that I have only ten more days until my next session, and that makes me sick to think about. My sister is coming up for the next one. My Dad was an angel for this past session. He got me everything I was hungry for, including a blackberry pie that once he got it here I couldn't eat. THis post is all about food and the interesting thing is is that that is all that I can think about. Believe it or not, maybe its because I can't taste anything that isn't salty or sweet. Water is the most disgusting thing to drink right now. Even with two packets of emergencies in a 12 oz glass it still tastes like plastic. I have these cravings and they are usually not satisfied because the food doesn't taste the way its supposed to.
Today has been spent sleeping and eating. I am what I would say, almost back to normal. This chemo session was totally different, like night and day from the first one. It wasn't as severe and I can say that I just drove for the first time up to get some Pho and I could do it without any strain. As I sat there eating the soup my very bald head started sweating and I got so uncomfortable I had to get it to go. Nowadays I can't eat big portions and it helps to lay down in between shoveling the food in the mouth. There is absolutely nothing sexy or attractive to having cancer and trying to get back to normal after my sessions. My stomach is a raging 18 wheeler truck that can't watch my normal "Food Channels" as I cannot handle the intense food cravings I get for anything I see on the TV. Although I can only eat small portions right now, I can eat lots of them. I just have to lay on the floor in between as if I am making a snow angel in the carpet and relax in between the stuffings.
I realize that I have only ten more days until my next session, and that makes me sick to think about. My sister is coming up for the next one. My Dad was an angel for this past session. He got me everything I was hungry for, including a blackberry pie that once he got it here I couldn't eat. THis post is all about food and the interesting thing is is that that is all that I can think about. Believe it or not, maybe its because I can't taste anything that isn't salty or sweet. Water is the most disgusting thing to drink right now. Even with two packets of emergencies in a 12 oz glass it still tastes like plastic. I have these cravings and they are usually not satisfied because the food doesn't taste the way its supposed to.
Saturday, August 2, 2008
Feeling Good
Today was just perfect. Perfect weather, perfect day, prefect body. I feel good, and have my nose in an incredible Canadian best seller the past few days. It is called, The Book of Negroes by Lawrence Hill. One of the best books I've read in a while. It has been a God send. For the past few days, I am able to get my mind off of cancer, and live the life of a slave.
I have bouts of anxiety about my upcoming chemo treatment and brush them away. I have to stay in the present moment, and when I get scared, I just remind myself that lots and lots and lots of people go through chemo, for even a year and they all make it. I will make it through this, and I'll be okay. Oh! I did get an incredible mouth wash that numbs my mouth so I can eat now. It makes my mouth and me so happy to be out of pain its incredible.
I have bouts of anxiety about my upcoming chemo treatment and brush them away. I have to stay in the present moment, and when I get scared, I just remind myself that lots and lots and lots of people go through chemo, for even a year and they all make it. I will make it through this, and I'll be okay. Oh! I did get an incredible mouth wash that numbs my mouth so I can eat now. It makes my mouth and me so happy to be out of pain its incredible.
Tuesday, July 29, 2008
Yogurt and my meanderings
Okay, I can finally say it, " I made it thru my first chemo treatment." I am really done. Last night, though the heartburn was severe, I slept every couple hours. Then I would wake up and have a huge bowl of Nancys Lowfat Plain Yogurt. The chemo's new second food must have. I think I ate three huge bowls, or was that four? All I know is that I bought a big one, the biggest one they make yesterday and I ate half of it last night. It was the only thing that soothed my stomach. I slept. That is huge. I thought, as I can still feel the steroid's or, maybe its just the anxities of going through this treatment.
This disease is teaching me many things. One of the big ones is compassion. Not that I wasn't a compassionate person before but because I see the fragility of who we all are. I knew that we are all trying our hardest and trying to be the best we can, but now I don't feel the judgement that was there before. I have an exceptance in a more universal way. The second biggy is a fact. I am learning to surrender. That though, the "normal" Heather, or the Heather that has died in the past few months, once believed she was God. I truely did, guys. I thought I 100% was what I believed, projected, willed, everything, you name it, I believed that I could actually shift anything if I believed in it enough. But what I am learning through surrendering, is that I do not have control over anything (oh, please spare me the attitude one, I know that-I say that with a smirk) and the old "God" that I thought I once was/is/have been~because I was once a this, I is now gone. In its place in me learning to be okay with the unknown. There could rest fear in this place, but I have to disregard it. I have to push it aside. I have to trust in the winds of change, or spirit, or allah, or jesus, whatever we "cope" with by calling on the greater, I have to trust that everything is going to be alright. And for the first time in my life, not just because I feel like its me that is projecting on itself. Me, the all knowing manifester~ smirking again.
So, yes, I have to surrender, and trust, and have more compassion ALL for myself during this time, which in and of itself is teaching me to open my spirit like a lotus blossom and just love.
This is incredibly painful to me. I feel a sense of death to the young superwoman that flew in all her glory. I feel an age of understanding that my Dad, would have hoped I wouldn't see for twenty more years. But, for some reason the winds brought these lessons to me this summer, and I get to be a better person sooner, than I had thought in my all knowing, was due me.
This disease is teaching me many things. One of the big ones is compassion. Not that I wasn't a compassionate person before but because I see the fragility of who we all are. I knew that we are all trying our hardest and trying to be the best we can, but now I don't feel the judgement that was there before. I have an exceptance in a more universal way. The second biggy is a fact. I am learning to surrender. That though, the "normal" Heather, or the Heather that has died in the past few months, once believed she was God. I truely did, guys. I thought I 100% was what I believed, projected, willed, everything, you name it, I believed that I could actually shift anything if I believed in it enough. But what I am learning through surrendering, is that I do not have control over anything (oh, please spare me the attitude one, I know that-I say that with a smirk) and the old "God" that I thought I once was/is/have been~because I was once a this, I is now gone. In its place in me learning to be okay with the unknown. There could rest fear in this place, but I have to disregard it. I have to push it aside. I have to trust in the winds of change, or spirit, or allah, or jesus, whatever we "cope" with by calling on the greater, I have to trust that everything is going to be alright. And for the first time in my life, not just because I feel like its me that is projecting on itself. Me, the all knowing manifester~ smirking again.
So, yes, I have to surrender, and trust, and have more compassion ALL for myself during this time, which in and of itself is teaching me to open my spirit like a lotus blossom and just love.
This is incredibly painful to me. I feel a sense of death to the young superwoman that flew in all her glory. I feel an age of understanding that my Dad, would have hoped I wouldn't see for twenty more years. But, for some reason the winds brought these lessons to me this summer, and I get to be a better person sooner, than I had thought in my all knowing, was due me.
Monday, July 28, 2008
What rabbit hole was that?
I can't sleep again. I keep waking up to eat TUMS, and drink water, which leads to the inevitable and I thought I'd just type a bit. First of all, there are heros each and everyday that appear and help D and I in various ways. But yesterday, our family was really really blessed by many acts of supreme kindness. I need to call these folks out into the middle of the circle and say thank you for supporting us in such an incredible way. FIrst of all D's Dad, Roger and Brother Kale, Thank You two for taking the time and energy and pain in the ass, that moving is out of your day to help D move all of the staging furniture (packing and loading it) into a u-haul, then driving it down from Lynden yesterday, to move it all into our house, and then you moved all of our furniture from our downstairs MIL, into the main house. I won't go into how much this time was good for D, but for me, it was not just about moving our stuff. Being as vulnerable as you can with family is always powerful. Thank You. These words just don't say what I mean, and that is frustrating.
Maryam, thank you for being a gentle spirit in my morning yesterday. You tender touch of your hands on my shoulder reassured me that I was not alone, and your support helped me feel my own strength that this was just passing, and I was going to get through this.
Tamara, thank you for sitting with me for a huge portion of the day. You gave me the energy to watch 3 movies, and you waited on me like a momma bear. I really needed the time to just not have to get up and "DO" anything. WIth all the chaos of the move, you helped me remember that it wasn't my job right now to help anybody, but myself.
Ann Leda, thank you for making a special trip to my house to give me an acupuncture journey. I don't need to say anything else here, you know how special you are to me, and what it meant that you came.
So, now to the rabbit hole.. What the hell?? I cannot for the life of me remember what I just went through, except for yesterday. So, from Wednesday to Saturday, one big blur. I vaguely remember visiting a cedar tree with Gen, Gen washing and washing, and washing some more dishes, Gen making me egg on top of toast over and over and over again, and not a lot else. D asked me how I felt, is it kindof like the flu? I said no way. He asked, "If I woke up feeling like this what would I do." I said, "I'd have you take me to the emergency room." My soul was sucked from me, it felt like. The Adriamycin or the Cytocxtan, who knows which evil but my 33 year old body feels like a 76 year old women. I walk in a shuffled gait, I am out of breath by walking a few paces, my body aches in a way that I tried to describe a few days ago, words just do not capture how it is that I feel. Or they do, and I am just to brain dead still to think of a poetic way to explain to you all, how intimately my body has been held captive by poison. Someone asked me why I wasn't happier finding out I was a Stage 1, instead of a 2. Because, I am 33 years old, and I have Breast Cancer. That is why. Because I knew I had 12 treatments of Chemotherapy ahead of me. Today, I have something to be VERY happy about, I am done with number 1, and I have only 11 chemo treatments left!!
Maryam, thank you for being a gentle spirit in my morning yesterday. You tender touch of your hands on my shoulder reassured me that I was not alone, and your support helped me feel my own strength that this was just passing, and I was going to get through this.
Tamara, thank you for sitting with me for a huge portion of the day. You gave me the energy to watch 3 movies, and you waited on me like a momma bear. I really needed the time to just not have to get up and "DO" anything. WIth all the chaos of the move, you helped me remember that it wasn't my job right now to help anybody, but myself.
Ann Leda, thank you for making a special trip to my house to give me an acupuncture journey. I don't need to say anything else here, you know how special you are to me, and what it meant that you came.
So, now to the rabbit hole.. What the hell?? I cannot for the life of me remember what I just went through, except for yesterday. So, from Wednesday to Saturday, one big blur. I vaguely remember visiting a cedar tree with Gen, Gen washing and washing, and washing some more dishes, Gen making me egg on top of toast over and over and over again, and not a lot else. D asked me how I felt, is it kindof like the flu? I said no way. He asked, "If I woke up feeling like this what would I do." I said, "I'd have you take me to the emergency room." My soul was sucked from me, it felt like. The Adriamycin or the Cytocxtan, who knows which evil but my 33 year old body feels like a 76 year old women. I walk in a shuffled gait, I am out of breath by walking a few paces, my body aches in a way that I tried to describe a few days ago, words just do not capture how it is that I feel. Or they do, and I am just to brain dead still to think of a poetic way to explain to you all, how intimately my body has been held captive by poison. Someone asked me why I wasn't happier finding out I was a Stage 1, instead of a 2. Because, I am 33 years old, and I have Breast Cancer. That is why. Because I knew I had 12 treatments of Chemotherapy ahead of me. Today, I have something to be VERY happy about, I am done with number 1, and I have only 11 chemo treatments left!!
Saturday, July 26, 2008
Meds and more meds
My very nice Oncology nurse said to me the other day, " Heather, you just have to let go of the alnertavive way in you go while you are doing this chemo. You need to stay up on the meds, you need to take them." I have found this to be true. No waiting, to see how badly I need them, because badly is going to come, and it is going to come rolling at m like a frieght train, a black one at that. I have med's that I have to take that make me unable to drive, to keep my nausea down, and that make it very hard for me to type and to read, or even watch TV. My eyes are pretty blury. This is a close second to the overall jest of not feeling well and achy. I am hoping today is a better day. We will just have to see. Everyday, I have walked with Gen down to the beach,sat and watched the ferries leave Vashon Island and then walk back up the hill.
Yesterday, I had to water a cedar tree, on my own accord. There was nothing I could do. I tired to get deep into the tree, but I am on so many med's right now, and drinking so much water (tons and tons) that if I did get caught, I would have first of all looked ill and very believable and secondly my excuse would have worked. If none of those worked, I am a girl. : )
As we sat yesterday, on one of our walks. One walk we drove down to Alki. We took a break on one of the benches and talked about coping. I am ready to come back to the copying side of life again. Copying, as in letting, and allowing myself to believe, and fall into what we as humans do. We use our various stretched out, enlightening, purpose filled, you got my picture reasons why and how life is so hard and how we get through it. I am ready to fall back into this. However much, getting a life threatening disease took this from me for almost two months. More acutely just being faces with my own mortality on such a deep and devastating level. I think its fair to start trusting in "things" again. We all have them. It is what makes us get up on the right side of the bed. Taking another med, so that I can get some sleep and deal with the nausea. I have to wake up, eat my new favorite bland meal of egg on toasted toast, and go back to sleep. Or is that, lay in bed and wait for the medicine to put me to sleep. This is all so foreign!
Yesterday, I had to water a cedar tree, on my own accord. There was nothing I could do. I tired to get deep into the tree, but I am on so many med's right now, and drinking so much water (tons and tons) that if I did get caught, I would have first of all looked ill and very believable and secondly my excuse would have worked. If none of those worked, I am a girl. : )
As we sat yesterday, on one of our walks. One walk we drove down to Alki. We took a break on one of the benches and talked about coping. I am ready to come back to the copying side of life again. Copying, as in letting, and allowing myself to believe, and fall into what we as humans do. We use our various stretched out, enlightening, purpose filled, you got my picture reasons why and how life is so hard and how we get through it. I am ready to fall back into this. However much, getting a life threatening disease took this from me for almost two months. More acutely just being faces with my own mortality on such a deep and devastating level. I think its fair to start trusting in "things" again. We all have them. It is what makes us get up on the right side of the bed. Taking another med, so that I can get some sleep and deal with the nausea. I have to wake up, eat my new favorite bland meal of egg on toasted toast, and go back to sleep. Or is that, lay in bed and wait for the medicine to put me to sleep. This is all so foreign!
Wednesday, July 23, 2008
Almost ready to JUMP!!
I feel the past week or so that I have been on the edge of a giant mountain, with my toes curled around the edges of the earth. I have been looking down and noticing how far down it is, so far that I cannot see the bottom. I see giant boulders that I may strike and I don't let myself spend too much time thinking how much it will hurt when I hit them as I tumble into the abyss. I see clumps of grass that I am hoping to land in and that is my journey I am faced with with starting chemotherapy today. Hard to believe.
I think back on the first week or two that I was diagnosed and I have moved on from that numb place of shock. I am able to believe that I have cancer, but somehow my mind has made it just what IS now, instead of the big bad monster that word con notates. It helps me when I want to relate to the bigness that cancer is is if I think of a dear friend, or my sister having it. Many emotions than arise, but if I bring it back to me, I am just going through the motions.
I have absolutely no idea how today will be. Down to the simplest unknown of how they will access my port. I wonder if my skin will make a popping noise as its accessed or maybe not. I wonder if the chemo will come in one of those cylinders that the radiation for my various scans came in. Or will it be a simple IV. I don't know if I will be ravenous coming out of the treatment or if I will have the 'metal' taste in my mouth that everyone mentions.
I ate a big breakfast today, and am filling in this morning at my real esate business since the secretary is out of town. I thought it would be better, however crazy it is, that I work here today until around 1, instead of sitting at home worrying. Well, it doesn't really help. I am at the office, still worrying, because Cancer is Always WITH ME. It is all consuming. Some of you that don't understand this will think, "jes, move on think of something else." I am sure there are those of you out there. This is the first time in my life that it is impossible for me to seperate myself from my disease. Maybe it is because I have never had a disease before. Maybe like a woman that has not had a child before. She thinks she will act in a way for this particular event or if this or that happened. But then, she becomes a mom and finds that she acts totally different. And then there are the mom's that get to have a few kids. And again, she finds herself doing something she never thought she would.
So, today, at 2:20 I check in for my first chemo. Something I never thought I would do. Funny, the day I got diagnosed, as D and I drove to the hospital I told him, " Okay, I am going to treat this totally alternatively, this is my body and I don't want you to tell me that you think that I shouldn't be doing what I am going to do. I am going to drink mothers milk (as this in Europe has been effective for treating many cancers), and I am going to treat myself alternatively." He was so sweet, to agree with this request. By the time I left the doctor's office, I realized that my cancer if treated JUST alternatively would very much be sealing my envelope of death. So, here I go. Into a zone that I never thought in a million years I would be entering and I am nervous, excited to start killing the cancer that is floating in my body, and anxious. I am almost ready to jump! Almost.
I think back on the first week or two that I was diagnosed and I have moved on from that numb place of shock. I am able to believe that I have cancer, but somehow my mind has made it just what IS now, instead of the big bad monster that word con notates. It helps me when I want to relate to the bigness that cancer is is if I think of a dear friend, or my sister having it. Many emotions than arise, but if I bring it back to me, I am just going through the motions.
I have absolutely no idea how today will be. Down to the simplest unknown of how they will access my port. I wonder if my skin will make a popping noise as its accessed or maybe not. I wonder if the chemo will come in one of those cylinders that the radiation for my various scans came in. Or will it be a simple IV. I don't know if I will be ravenous coming out of the treatment or if I will have the 'metal' taste in my mouth that everyone mentions.
I ate a big breakfast today, and am filling in this morning at my real esate business since the secretary is out of town. I thought it would be better, however crazy it is, that I work here today until around 1, instead of sitting at home worrying. Well, it doesn't really help. I am at the office, still worrying, because Cancer is Always WITH ME. It is all consuming. Some of you that don't understand this will think, "jes, move on think of something else." I am sure there are those of you out there. This is the first time in my life that it is impossible for me to seperate myself from my disease. Maybe it is because I have never had a disease before. Maybe like a woman that has not had a child before. She thinks she will act in a way for this particular event or if this or that happened. But then, she becomes a mom and finds that she acts totally different. And then there are the mom's that get to have a few kids. And again, she finds herself doing something she never thought she would.
So, today, at 2:20 I check in for my first chemo. Something I never thought I would do. Funny, the day I got diagnosed, as D and I drove to the hospital I told him, " Okay, I am going to treat this totally alternatively, this is my body and I don't want you to tell me that you think that I shouldn't be doing what I am going to do. I am going to drink mothers milk (as this in Europe has been effective for treating many cancers), and I am going to treat myself alternatively." He was so sweet, to agree with this request. By the time I left the doctor's office, I realized that my cancer if treated JUST alternatively would very much be sealing my envelope of death. So, here I go. Into a zone that I never thought in a million years I would be entering and I am nervous, excited to start killing the cancer that is floating in my body, and anxious. I am almost ready to jump! Almost.
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Treatment and all that Jazz
I sure was hoping that I wasn't going to need chemo. But ALL Triple Negative breast cancer patients get it. It is all we have. My final diagnosis is T1c. I am a stage 1, which is awesome! I did catch it early!! But what he doesn't like is that I am a Triple Negative. The numbers look like this for me. One in 6 will get a second recurrence within the first two years. Which freaks me out a little. Driving home we were on a little road that merged us onto the West Seattle bridge. I told D, its like all of us cars are Triple Negative Breast Cancer Survivor's and one of six cars will just blow up. It will get that cancer back.
Those odds are not that great. I am mean, should I be happy that one in six of my friends could die? No, I don't think that is good. But, if I want to put on the happy hat with all its charms and whistles sure, I only have a 15% chance., that's low. My margins around the tumor were all good except the back one. The Doc's like to get a 1cm all around the tumor and the back one is 1mm. He said he was happy with that and so was the surgeon because in the back, the Pectoralis Major muscle is a sheath that stops/protects the cancer from spreading. This isn't that reassuring and even D said, I hope you don't get to worried about that. He said he could see my overtly expressive face freaking out about it, or maybe he can see the springs in my brain popping over it. This whole thing is unnerving.
There always seems to be some twist to make me never feel safe. I am settling or learning how to settle into the true unknown's I get to live with for the rest of my life. My Oncologist that I always want to hug goodbye, said that after 5 years, my numbers of recurrence drop tremendously. So it looks like I will be crossing my fingers, for five years thanks to my tumor not being positive for any of these hormones.
I will be starting treatment after they have harvested my eggs, so in about two weeks. We are getting our floors refinished probably next weekend, so that monday, maybe the 21st. I will let you know. My chemo will be for 4 months. I will have A/C and T, probably Taxol. Then I will get 3 weeks off for good behavior and then 6 or so weeks of radiation and then I will be done!!
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