Hamster & The Wheel

Learning to live life again is intense. I was "off" for so long, learning so much about myself and just fighting to live, fighting my ego in the process of surrendering actually. I think that is the biggest one I learned this past year, in every aspect, was surrender. Like a cat who is a good kittie who has no intention to suddenly scratch you, but a kittie laying in the sun, on its back with all limbs thrown every which way. That is surrender. The picture I had for myself was the open palm, with curled fingers. And I would say to myself, nope, curled won't do. You must open further, just when I didn't think I could anymore, you find it.
Boring and exciting stuff....I've been working. I've been working too much. I am finally acknowledging this. Why is it that now that I am done, all I want to do is work? Its either extreme really, work or go on a vacation...I got to find the equilibrium with those two tasks.

Since I haven't been writing in this its hard to go deep about some of the great things that have happened. I need to start writing in here regularly. Yesterday I tromped my stuff over to my new house that I am living in. No more house sitting here and there. I unpacked, and am excited to be here. To start my new life. To get into my new routines, and that will allow me to write again.

This past weekend was a lot of fun. The most fun I've had since I was diagnosed. I went to the OCF, and was united with literally 100's of friends. I have always been the kind of person that has tons of groups of friends, so I end up knowing lots of people, and the faire is a lot of fun in that way. The whole idea that we are all connected in some way, is always evident there. As I spend my days running around hugging and catching up with everyone. I loved every minute of it. I got to a place of relaxation there that I haven't felt in so so long. I was able to sleep, which was unbelievable as live music played into the wee morning hours regularly. But I went to bed, (I resisted the temptation to stay up with everyone and chose to take care of myself) and found myself waking up and doing a little dance in my tent under my covers and then going back to sleep when I was touched the music. I finally slept a real nights sleep of 7 hours, phew! And its stuck, I am sleeping normally again.

When I got back I saw a bunch of doctors. I saw my new cardiologist who IS EXACTLY WHO I SHOULD HAVE SEEN a long time ago! I got to talk to my Onc about his referrals of lame cardio's. The lame part is that these other doc's have been scaring me and just guessing. She looked at me and said, "this is not common, but its also not uncommon. You will be fine. You do not have cancer in your chest, this is simply your body having an inflammatory response to the chemo/radiation."

Phew...I was able to breath again. She said I should be better in the next 3-6 months, and that I do not need to be on all these meds. In fact she has already started my taper off the IB profuren. My heart is still hurting a tad, but its good. Next week I go in for a stress eccho. Which is where I'll run on a treadmill and they'll do an echo before and after.

Overall, I have been feeling totally prednisoned out. Very very irritable, very irrational at moments, you got the picture. Luckily I'm getting pretty good at recognizing when I am acting like a maniac, and try to calm myself down. Now this is only possible because now I'm only on a measly 2.5 mg. I am sure this new found ability to calm myself down would go out the window if I was on 20 mg for longer than a few days. :)

I am enjoying connecting with all my friends in the city and vashon again. This is going to be a great summer, if I can slow down. OH! Which brings me back to what the new cardio said. She told me I needed to stop working so hard. She said that the stress of over-working causes my adrenals to be depleted which causes inflammation in the body. So I will try to slow down. Right now I WANT to work hard, not sure why. Maybe its just that I have been storing up for this day. I layed around for so long, I just want to LIVE.

I need to book myself a yoga retreat at Hollyhock or something. I am also going to take advantage of my mornings again. I think if I start later in the day that is better. I can chill, drink tea, go for a run, or do yoga and then work like a little hamster on its wheel. I love the wheel. I do. I just need to have the wheel jump its track sometimes and GO DO something else...regardless its doing something. We always are doing something. Why is work such a bad thing in our society? Why if I work do my adrenals get taxed? That's a silly question. I know how good it feels to do nothing and sink my toes into sand. Did I mention that my favorite secret beach in the city is just down the road from my new house? ( I do not, NOT have a huge smile across my face right now)

Start Living

So much has happened since I wrote last. I wanted to write after my ceremony, but wanted to wait to get the pictures to upload here. But, I'm still waiting on those from a few other friends.
Where to start? I'll start from now and work my way back.
I've been selling a few homes this week, and its exhausting. I need a vacation desperately. I have been doing lots of massages, but this month I have kept my weekends free. This is nice. I feel good. I feel like a rooobbboottttt right now. I am so tired that its hard to think. I need to drink tea and wake up a bit.
Wednesday was a fun day. I went to all my doctors in a row. My eye doc, said that my left eye will continue to heal and he thinks will get better. I ordered some amazing eye lash stuff that has been proven to help eyelashes grow. I have been waiting on this one, but now that they are coming in so incredibly slow, and I want to use mascara, I thought I'd give this a whirl.
Then I went to see my Cardiologist, and he said no more steroids! Yippeee!! I was thrilled. And if everything goes good, I can stop taking all the other anti-inflammatories. I skipped happily over to my Oncologist, who was very behind that day. I waited for a long while to see him, and got in and spoke just for a few minutes. Everything is good. He said that tumor marker tests generally are all over the map. He doesn't want me to be alarmed if this one goes up to 14, that doesn't mean anything he said. The only thing he would be concerned about is if my tests steadily went higher and higher. And no, he won't wait to do extra testing if my marker ever reaches the 20's. Even though they usually don't worry until over 38, since mine was (and anything below 38, is considered cancer free) but since mine was diagnosed at 28, his antennas will go into high alert he said. So there you have that. Good to know. I am not afraid of that happening at this point. He graduated me from every month, to every two. I get to see him again in August. I told him about the whole kind of bleeding thing, and he ordered an ultra sound for today. He said that there could be a lot of blood up there and because of hormones it can't come down. If this is the case then he may want to give me hormones to trick my body into getting back to normal. I of coarse, hate this idea.
What is next on the list of taking care of Heather things, is for me to call my ND and start the cleansing process. I think this will kick my body into gear, naturally.
So, that was wednesday. The rest of the days are spent working. One of my massage clients said that she thinks I dove into work because I was trying to prove something to myself. That is highly possible. I also think that I've been laying around for so long, that once I didn't have to, I went crazy. Its all or nothing baby! I have taken the weekends off. And last weekend was my ceremony. I will talk about that later. Another post. It was perfect. Perfect. Perfect.

The taper begins

I was just sitting here on the coach, drinking my favorite black tea of the moment, Earl Grey, and was thinking, "What to write?" Its always more like, "Where to start?" Which the word start flashed across my damn eyes, and remembered, reluctantly that I have to start taking that anti-inflammatory pill for a year. Today. April, 3, 2009. You know what, I'm not going to do it. Fuck it. What if I take it for a year, and then stop, and then suddenly have another attack of it. Does that mean I will have to be on it forever. I don't want to be on a pill forever.
So, maybe if I don't take it today, or tomorrow,and have my Onc call me today, well..and I need to see my actual cardio, since I have not even seen him yet. I feel like a kid, scheming up a plan down a hidden and usused alley way, rubbing his (yes, I'd have to be a little boy for this kind of behaviour) hands together snickering of a fantastically absurd plan.

But, maybe its not absurd. So, since I haven't seen my actual cardio yet, I will. No rush to start taking a medicine.

Phew~ That was a close call. I almost just forced myself to go into the kitchen and ruin a perfect cup of tea with a memory of taking a pill.

Last night I took a 10mg of Predisone, instead of the 20mg. I'll see my Onc again on Monday, and will taper me if my lungs look good again. My chest X-Ray still showed fluid in there, but not that much.

Okay, Okay, O-KKK--AAA-YYYY

Okay, already. I'll go on the medicine, Colichine (spelling may be wrong) for a year. Every freakin' day. After I go kick and screaming. Isn't there a food that I can take to take away the inflammation? Sure, there is. But really, I need to not mess around with this. What just happened to me was really really not good for me. Its taken me a week to get my sails up. Albeit, steroid induced insanity. For some reason, this time my side-effects are TOTALLY different. I am super manic, intense (more than usual~watch out), and aggressive. My sister joked around "Roid rage".
So....Dr. K asked me if I wanted to go on anything to help relax me. When he started explaining what the med's were for, I said, "stop. No thanks." I'll try meditating and doing yoga each day instead. I'm slowly getting tapered off the steroids, so here we go. If I don't go on this colichine, than I have to stay on predisone. So, we'll give it a try and cross my fingers that I don't have another attack.
As far as exercise, I can start today. I misunderstood my Onc in the hospital. He thinks the exercise just exhasberated the inflammation and was NOT, NOT the cause of my recent attack. He agrees that I would've had it regardless.
Good news..I've lost 6 pounds in 4 days. Lots of water weight. I feel the best I've felt in a while. Well, in a way. Other ways, I feel a little jittery, and excessively hyper.

Oncology Therapy

I have found a wonderful mental health, talky-talky therapist here in Seattle. Her name is Janet Abrams and she is wonderful. I have seen therapists off and on since I was a little girl, and I feel so blessed to have found her. When my mom first had her stroke, I went to see my first specialized therapist for Grief and he was mind-blowingly perfect for me. I learned a lot. The main lesson, and I know this is a deviated (steroids and all the energy and mind-altering deviations they give me) but the main lesson he taught me was that when I was with my mom, it wasn't about me. It wasn't about me needing to and trying to convey, fix, or repair anything. That work could be done in therapy, but what I needed to do was just be present with her and in the present. You know what I am saying? Am I saying this correctly. My mom deserved to have her kids usher her into the otherworld, and to allow her, her sacred rites of passage, of passing. Not me crying over all the hurtful stuff, things unsaid, but just loving. Being in the Love.
So, this grief therapists is sortof like Janet in that they specialize. I like specialists is what I am discovering through all this. My Grandad told me once, get really good at one thing, Heather.
I saw Janet a few weeks ago, and I wasn't on steroids. Today I walked in there, and it was very centering, healing, and opening to be me to see ME. She validated me. She understood how traumatic of a week I just had. Not that she has gone through it, but she has made Cancer, her lifes work. One thing that is really hard going through this is that no one truly "gets" what or where I am at. Or what I have/will/had had to go through. D surely doesn't get it. Which I get. I learned from my mom's passing, that until you lose a parent, it is very hard to be in a place of understanding. But of coarse, there is just being a simple caring soul who is there for someone.
And I get that. Lots of you, lots of the girls on the Triple Negative Breast Cancer Foundation site, friends, family, and my Keller Williams family are there for me. All asking me how I am doing. But unless you've gone through this you don't get it. So, I just cry. There is so much loneliness at a time when life is so full and feeling all that life is about. Such a contradictory journey.
Janet helped lead me to an understanding that I am different on the med's. I am pretty manic really. That was this morning a few hours after I took my med's. Now I am exhausted, barely able to keep my eyes open, on the coach, and will take them again tonight at 9.
At the base of all the "manic-ness" and all the anger, and all the crap, there sits sadness. Just blue, deep, dark, ocean blue with the foggiest, unknowns following it. Hovering over the sea with the heaviest rain falling. Just sad. There are a lot of tears to come. To heal. To come full circle again. I only have 16 radiation appointments left. And then, I can enter this place. Safely. The unknowns of life and my imminent time of departing this world can once again become part of a future time that won't be on my shoulder, cawing and scratching at my every move.

Steroids, the Cure All

I have been on steroids, the Predisone since the hospital. 20 MG in morning, and 20 MG at night. A few days ago, we went to 20/15, and I had to keep taking the sleeping pill. The night before I tried a half pill, and that worked pretty good. Last night I went down to 20/10 and didn't take a pill and now I am up. I am going to wait an hour, and see if I still can't sleep. I am not sure if its the predisone or what but since the hospital my hot flashes have been rolling over me all time of day again. They calmed down a lot the past few months, and now they feel like they are back with a venegance. I just woke up in a sweat, sheets wet and my husbands phone getting a text. I decided to get up and write.
Yesterday was my first day back being Heather. I worked a full day doing real estate, I put out a new listing, and then I gave two massages back to back. I started my day around 11 and got home at 8, just in time for the Bachelor (heehee). I didn't feel sick at all, which is great because the past two days I got really weak and sick to my stomach in the afternoons. I realized the day before yesterday that I had just started taking my vitamins again in the late morning and that maybe it was the vitamins that were making me sick. Since I didn't take them yesterday and I felt great, I think this is the case. My body is so fragile right now I think trying to digest flax seed oil, anti-inflammatory herbs, and a one-a-day vitamin is just too much. I need to remember to make an appointment with my ND.
So yesterday was awesome. My brain is definetly not working well, it went to the wayside in conjunction with my hot flashes returning. Maybe its hormonal.
Saturday was a fun night. As you see to the right of the screen the new photo. Tamara, who remarks here a lot, she and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant on Capitol Hill called Oddfellows. It was delicious. My friend Jack told me about it. We then went out to Dillitante and had dessert. I was struck to near tears, when the very sweet waitress brought me an extra celebratory lemon bar and truffles, as I had explained to her the reason for my celebration. End of chemo, and having fun, and Heather time.
I wanted to write about a few things that I keep forgetting to do.

I have learned so much since this all started. Yesterday was my eighth month anniversary of being diagnosed. 8 months. Its a long time. I have learned so much, and have come to a very thankful place of being in accepting and being thankful for "getting" cancer.
One thing I have noticed and opened my heart up to is people and love. Everyone loves drama. Good or Bad, and because of this overly dramatic event/journey/hell ride I have had many many people rise to support me. There have been the very few bad apples that have come to my side that I have had to not respond to (usually survivors that have found my blog that have chosen to become victims to their experience) or the the wonderful flip side, I have had so many beautiful experiences.

Yesterday was an incredible description of this. I showed up a bit early to my massage appointment. My client just broke her knee, and was waiting for me at her condo entry on cruches, she was speaking to a woman that wanted my number as she wanted a massage, and then there was me. We all spoke in the lobby, and the woman's sister had had BC, She lives in Brazil and just lived through the worst national disaster in 100 years she said. There was a gigantic mudslide and she was in her home and luckily she lived. THey had to pluck her out of her house, and she lost everything. Then there was my massage client her broke her knee, hasn't worked in 10 weeks, and then there was me and you guys know my story. Picture it (like the Golden Girls..Sicily 19..just kidding) but picture it, the three of us standing in the lobby, speaking on how in moments life changes and you move through it. All three of us said the same thing, that we were thankful for our experience that people around us helped make these lessons even deeper.

And this is what I am saying. I have had to ripe open the grips on my heart to allow people to make me food, to call me concerned, to love me and that is incredible. I have had so many touching people come into my life and I am just blown away with the goodness of people when things get rough, you see the beauty in folks. Just like at Dillatante. She didn't need to bring me extra goodies, but she did. All these acts of kindness just kill me, and regularly reduce me to tears. I am tired and am not sure if I am giving words to what I want to explain but this is one of the biggest "lessons" I've learned. Tonight as I lay in bed wide awake, I thought of something. Not only should I and will I write a book for my healing when I am done with all this. I should write a smaller book on the lessons I've learned. Or maybe they will be a chapter in my book.

The other thing I wanted to explain was Healthcare in America. I have said that my cancer treatment is well over a million dollars to date. This is the case, if I was uninsured. Luckily since I was 22 I have had really good health insurance, that I privately paid (since I am self-employed). How insurance works is that I go to doc's they bill a certain amount and then the insurance company allows the docs to only bill a certain amount. If you don't have the insurance company to regulate the amount, there is a huge difference. So the over million bill is really only around a hundred grand. So what I don't understand is what happens to the uninsured in this country. I understand that the hospital cannot deny anyone treatment, and I am sure the government/tax payers end up paying this?? This is of coarse after these poor folks lose everything.
I worry what might happen if my cancer came back, D is at his whitts end with all this, he cannot handle "helping" me at all anymore, and if it came back he is so near divorce right now that he would probably go through with it and what if I was sick like I was again and I couldn't get out of bed to work, and what if I couldn't pay my mortgage or my rent, or my health insurance? What then? This is a very scary thing. Having cancer and going through cancer treatment leaves so many "things" to deal with.

So, I am up its almost an hour later and I need to take a sleeping pill. I just hate to do it, but I have another exciting day ahead of me. I am going out with some buyers in the morning and then a few massages in the afternoon. I am really really excited. It feels so good to be out and about. I walked into my realty office today and made a huge announcement to anyone that would lend me an ear, "I am feeling good. GOOOOODDDDDD." Its incredible!!

I am so Ex-ci-t-ed

And I just can't h-i-de it! I know, I know....

Its great. I lost another 6 pounds since I was in the hospital! I am now 150.9!!! WhooHoo!!

I only have 12 more to go, Yippee!!!

My lungs are doing great. He said it appears that all the water is gone. He is starting to take me slowly off the steroids, but slowly. We have to be careful of the inflammation in the lining of my heart and lungs. He said I may start to hurt, and if so I need to call him. We don't want what happened to happen again.

My WBC's are above normal, 14,000, because of the steroids. Watch out sushi, here I come! Watch out pedicures (this is making me cry right now) here I come. I probably shouldn't be going and buying a pedicure since I am not working right now, but I am going to. I need to celebrate!

I had a tough conversation with my Onc today. I wasn't looking for an apology, but I was wanting reassurance for the future. He did apologize and said that he missed it. I gave him so many signs and symptoms, and he ignored me. I was afraid that what if in the future I get a feeling of something and he ignores it.

He said that he now knows, and will never forget because this was such a big "overly dramatic" event, that he won't forget that I am really in tune with my body, unlike many people, and that he will pay much closer attention. "if you twitch, I'll move." So, I feel good. And I am also happy that he took responsibility for not hearing me. I hated it. I was starting to feel like I was a Hyperchondriact.

Tear Ducts and Nails

This is going to be a gripe session. I am going to start off on the lessor of evils. My nails. They hurt. Each session they get darker and darker and the cuticles get more and more swollen and I am hoping that they can hang in there and not fall out. It sucks, and it hurts and I am getting sick of it.
The other crazy thing is that my eyes have been tearing constantly for about a couple of weeks. Luckily I mentioned this to my Onc and luckily he knows that this is not a good thing, and luckily he referred me to a eye specialist. I saw him today, and indeed my particular chemo, Taxotere that I am on causes a weird thing in the tear ducts. For some reason it accumilates in the tear ducts more than anywhere else in the body and causes an inflammation in the tear ducts (no wonder my eyes have been hurting and burning~the chemo is in my tears). Left untreated, it would cause scar tissue that would form on the tear ducts, and I'd have to get tear duct replacement surgery, a glass tear duct. But, luckily all the luckies that were mentioned above happened, and I have tear duct surgery on Nov. 25 to open the tear ducts wider so that the tears can get through them.
I am sick of feeling gross. My stomach always hurts, kindof like having the flu but with a little pain that goes all the way up to my mouth. My throat hurts because I have a sores in it, and my mouth feels like there is cotton stuffed into it and my tonuge is almost entirely numb now. I get bloody noses constantly and I am really really sick of this.
Water used to taste like poison, now it just doesn't have any taste, except it hurts to swollow cold water because of the sore in my throat. It hurts to type today because of my fingers. Luckily the two tastes that have a faint taste still are savvory and sweet.
With the lack of taste you'd think I wouldn't be that excited about Thanksgiving. But I am. My mother in law, Brianna is coming, as she always does to our house and we all pig out for a couple of days. I am really excited. I was going to try to cook on Tuesday the 25th and the morning of the 26th before chemo. But now, I have that surgery and so, I think we'll just be cooking all day on turkey day.
I hope I feel good on thursday, turkey day so that we can make a really yummy feast.

Pumkin pies and Fall

Fall is my favorite season by far. The past few days my friend Gen has been here from Toronto. Its been great having a friend around to make pies with and take really long walks with. But mainly just to talk. When I lived on Vashon I used to make pies almost everyday. There was a year there that I was learning how to make crusts and I'd make a pie a day and give it away. There are just so many pies you can personally eat without gaining weight. Gen's been making a lot of pies lately and she definetly has mastered the art of a pie crust. Flaky, moist, buttery...mmmm good. We took about a 5 or 6 mile walk and I felt awesome. That walk was Tuesday. My sore throat and nose are almost healed.

Yesterday she came with me to chemo, and gave D a break. My counts had almost doubled and so I now to get to that I have nine, count that 9 more chemo's left. I can't wait to be done. I am looking forward to the rains and taking have an excuse of weather to take life easy and eat lots of soup. It will be a good feeling to be done with my treatments at the beginning of Spring when things start to grow. I wonder if the frogs will start their chorus of songs on Vashon in unison with my celebrations of being done with all this.

I am feeling good today so far. I just can't sleep because of those darn steroids.

Wow! I feel Great!

I was mistaken, I am not going to be on a steroid feast! I only had to take four tabs total. Two the night before, two yesterday morning, and then they gave me a bunch as a pre-med yesterday. But that is it. No more, till next Wednesday! I got the most naseuous I have as I left the hospital and for the first few hours. But no big deal. I much rather feel sick to my stomach and have my mind. I have been awake since 2 am, because of the steroids, but again I don't feel like crap. I feel like Heather. In fact, I am going to stick with a massage for tomorrow morning that I had booked in the hopes that this is how I was going to feel.
With this chemo I do have chance of losing my nails and have neuropathy in my hands and feet, but I will just keep hoping that it doesn't come to that.

I have officially missed my first period. My body tried so hard. I learned yesterday that it isn't just that my body is shutting down and not bleeding. It is that my ovaries are so full of toxins that they are forced to shut down. Like my bones, they too are full of toxins and my chances of developing Osteoposis is high because of this. I have hot flashes now and its just part of it. I have total faith that after this chemo and I start doing all the detoxing that I plan to do, I will get it back. Hopefully...

I am really excited for the debate tonight. I am going to make popcorn and laugh. Oh, laugh, laugh, laugh.

Steroid Feast

Reluctantly, last night I ate two steroids and began my next hurdle of my LAST (yippee) set of Chemo treatment. I had a few minutes of, "Crap, I don't want to start all this again." But, after a little dinner, I downed the tabs and walked into the unknown. I slept pretty well last night, woke up only once. When I did wake up this morning, West Seattle was immersed in a blanket of thick fog. I welcome this change of weather. I want to move forward as fast as I can with all these seasons. It is hard to believe that I have been dealing with all this since early May. That is the day, the little girl in me brought myself to my regular doctor and had no idea what I was in store for in the coming month. She didn't scare me and just referred me off to get checked, just because she wasn't sure. WASN"T SURE!! Thank God forLeslie C. Tregillus, M.D., and that she didn't take a chance with me. DIDN'T TAKE A CHANCE. Huge! Unbelievable.
Those weeks of waiting came and went and I was nervous. But not that nervous. I knew in my gut though. I did. I tried to prepare D for it the "possibility" the best I could. When I got diagnosed I remembered about a year and a half earlier I had this really odd month. I wasn't pregnant, impossible due to my IUD, but I had three sponanteous times that I got really whoozy and then threw up. Maybe this is when I got "Cancer".
Yesterday I watched Oprah's show on BC. I cried a lot. The sisterhood of familiar feelings and depths of loss, only understood by Survivors.
So, today I start the treatment. I have not allowed myself to read what other people experience, just listened to my Onc. I don't want to fill my head with possibilities. I want to have my own experience, and right now I am very impressionable. So, I am protecting myself from myself. My sister is coming this weekend. I hope that I am doing awesome and we get to take a long walk together and make food together and cuddle and hold hands.

The only skirt that fits

I've ballooned up again. Its all water weight, I hope. My skin hurts, and I have no clothes that fit. The only thing I can get on my over my hips is a skirt that I put on over my head. I have been so hungry and I have to eat. The steroids make me. They send out this crazy hunger in me that paralyzes all will and I succumb as quickly as I'd imagine a tiny tot with a cookie in front of his/her face. In seconds. My friend Kristen today said, "its sounds just like when I was pregnant."
I didn't sleep again last night. I woke up at 1, at 3, at 5, and then at 6:30, each time just starving and I had to eat. Luckily my sister made lots of little meals for me, so I just would pop a little stuffed red pepper in the oven and eat it up before it was fully warmed. Or yogurt, or a peach...you get the idea. This morning I brought myself out to a nice breakfast, alone. On the drive there, I was so hungry. I didn't stop for a quick pastry, even though my mind was telling me that if this little french restaurant was packed and I had to wait I might go insane with food cravings. Like my mouth would start watering, the corners of my mouth would start to pucker, and I might eat the food off of a sweet little lovebirds table next to me. But I resisted, and luckily there wasn't much of a wait. I tried to disappear within the pages of the book that every girl in America has read, the one you know that everyone carries with them, Love, Eat, and Pray. I do like the book and her travels are fun, especially since she is almost obsessed with food as I am. That brings me an idea, I should read some real "foody" books right now. In fact, if any of you know of one please give me the title. Anyways, so life is about feeding the steroid rage as wendy my sis, and D call it. I hope its gone tomorrow. I have eaten and eaten and honestly this afternoon I am not as starved as I was yesterday. I am feeling much better today. In fact I just woke up from a nap. My body doesn't ache, I can see, and lord I AM MORE THAN HALF WAY FINISHED...with hell. I just have one more AC and then its Taxol baby.

Yogurt and my meanderings

Okay, I can finally say it, " I made it thru my first chemo treatment." I am really done. Last night, though the heartburn was severe, I slept every couple hours. Then I would wake up and have a huge bowl of Nancys Lowfat Plain Yogurt. The chemo's new second food must have. I think I ate three huge bowls, or was that four? All I know is that I bought a big one, the biggest one they make yesterday and I ate half of it last night. It was the only thing that soothed my stomach. I slept. That is huge. I thought, as I can still feel the steroid's or, maybe its just the anxities of going through this treatment.
This disease is teaching me many things. One of the big ones is compassion. Not that I wasn't a compassionate person before but because I see the fragility of who we all are. I knew that we are all trying our hardest and trying to be the best we can, but now I don't feel the judgement that was there before. I have an exceptance in a more universal way. The second biggy is a fact. I am learning to surrender. That though, the "normal" Heather, or the Heather that has died in the past few months, once believed she was God. I truely did, guys. I thought I 100% was what I believed, projected, willed, everything, you name it, I believed that I could actually shift anything if I believed in it enough. But what I am learning through surrendering, is that I do not have control over anything (oh, please spare me the attitude one, I know that-I say that with a smirk) and the old "God" that I thought I once was/is/have been~because I was once a this, I is now gone. In its place in me learning to be okay with the unknown. There could rest fear in this place, but I have to disregard it. I have to push it aside. I have to trust in the winds of change, or spirit, or allah, or jesus, whatever we "cope" with by calling on the greater, I have to trust that everything is going to be alright. And for the first time in my life, not just because I feel like its me that is projecting on itself. Me, the all knowing manifester~ smirking again.
So, yes, I have to surrender, and trust, and have more compassion ALL for myself during this time, which in and of itself is teaching me to open my spirit like a lotus blossom and just love.
This is incredibly painful to me. I feel a sense of death to the young superwoman that flew in all her glory. I feel an age of understanding that my Dad, would have hoped I wouldn't see for twenty more years. But, for some reason the winds brought these lessons to me this summer, and I get to be a better person sooner, than I had thought in my all knowing, was due me.

Meds and more meds

My very nice Oncology nurse said to me the other day, " Heather, you just have to let go of the alnertavive way in you go while you are doing this chemo. You need to stay up on the meds, you need to take them." I have found this to be true. No waiting, to see how badly I need them, because badly is going to come, and it is going to come rolling at m like a frieght train, a black one at that. I have med's that I have to take that make me unable to drive, to keep my nausea down, and that make it very hard for me to type and to read, or even watch TV. My eyes are pretty blury. This is a close second to the overall jest of not feeling well and achy. I am hoping today is a better day. We will just have to see. Everyday, I have walked with Gen down to the beach,sat and watched the ferries leave Vashon Island and then walk back up the hill.
Yesterday, I had to water a cedar tree, on my own accord. There was nothing I could do. I tired to get deep into the tree, but I am on so many med's right now, and drinking so much water (tons and tons) that if I did get caught, I would have first of all looked ill and very believable and secondly my excuse would have worked. If none of those worked, I am a girl. : )
As we sat yesterday, on one of our walks. One walk we drove down to Alki. We took a break on one of the benches and talked about coping. I am ready to come back to the copying side of life again. Copying, as in letting, and allowing myself to believe, and fall into what we as humans do. We use our various stretched out, enlightening, purpose filled, you got my picture reasons why and how life is so hard and how we get through it. I am ready to fall back into this. However much, getting a life threatening disease took this from me for almost two months. More acutely just being faces with my own mortality on such a deep and devastating level. I think its fair to start trusting in "things" again. We all have them. It is what makes us get up on the right side of the bed. Taking another med, so that I can get some sleep and deal with the nausea. I have to wake up, eat my new favorite bland meal of egg on toasted toast, and go back to sleep. Or is that, lay in bed and wait for the medicine to put me to sleep. This is all so foreign!