I was just sitting here on the coach, drinking my favorite black tea of the moment, Earl Grey, and was thinking, "What to write?" Its always more like, "Where to start?" Which the word start flashed across my damn eyes, and remembered, reluctantly that I have to start taking that anti-inflammatory pill for a year. Today. April, 3, 2009. You know what, I'm not going to do it. Fuck it. What if I take it for a year, and then stop, and then suddenly have another attack of it. Does that mean I will have to be on it forever. I don't want to be on a pill forever.
So, maybe if I don't take it today, or tomorrow,and have my Onc call me today, well..and I need to see my actual cardio, since I have not even seen him yet. I feel like a kid, scheming up a plan down a hidden and usused alley way, rubbing his (yes, I'd have to be a little boy for this kind of behaviour) hands together snickering of a fantastically absurd plan.
But, maybe its not absurd. So, since I haven't seen my actual cardio yet, I will. No rush to start taking a medicine.
Phew~ That was a close call. I almost just forced myself to go into the kitchen and ruin a perfect cup of tea with a memory of taking a pill.
Last night I took a 10mg of Predisone, instead of the 20mg. I'll see my Onc again on Monday, and will taper me if my lungs look good again. My chest X-Ray still showed fluid in there, but not that much.
Showing posts with label drinking tea. Show all posts
Showing posts with label drinking tea. Show all posts
Friday, April 3, 2009
Wednesday, January 21, 2009
Percolating to home
Do you remember those aluminum coffee makers that had the clear plastic bubble on top and you can look at it spurting and brewing? That is how I feel this morning. Heather is percolating. I can feel my spirit coming back, and brewing deep inside me. My happy level, or my spirit, or my soul, or my joy is starting to warm up, and I just get hit with tears of joy..not bawling. Just a few drops here. But mainly it just feels like home. Home in my own skin. And this, I guess is where the grief is, because now that I am typing this, I am crying again. But a little more than just tears. I have just really really really truely missed ME. Me, had to go some place, and I can't wait (my tears are dripping down to my chest) till this is all gone, to go and get her.
Its something only I can do, on my own. When I feel safe to do it.
I mean, I have an Advance Life Directive on my table here in the hospital. It is the mature thing to do, to have a will so that my Sis and D wouldn't have to decide to what to do with me. But, my naive 33 year old, 7 1/2 months ago self, wouldn't have it on my table at home. I would have put it off. It reminds me of the day I got diagnosed, and the first surgeon I met with asked me if I had one, and if I didn't I should get one done.
She is right. And this is needing to be done out of that not safe place. I have a few big hitters for goals for myself when I come out of this. One is that I do not allow myself to live in the future, one of the life changing lessons of cancer, and not think about, "my stats for the next three years." I do need to spew about it every in a while, because it is scary. All the other breast cancers have medications to treat what their cancer feeds on to keep it at bay. But mine doesn't. And that is why I did so much chemo and rads, being just a stage one. A stage one, that had a deep BC that went 1 cm into my pec mmls. That is scary to me. That it just wasn't in my boob. That it had traveled into the muscle. But that is where I have to stop my mind, myself.
So, I haven't cracked that damn book, but will. Maybe over a cup of warm tea. When I am all done with my treatment in a few months. For those of you that don't know this, I am a tea whore. I covet tea. I sniff and drink tea, like the hipsters do these days wine. I have stopped drinking tea since chemo, because I love it so much that I didn't want to risk hating it when I am done. But I will make my will and my what if scenarios, just in case, the chance happens.
Its something only I can do, on my own. When I feel safe to do it.
I mean, I have an Advance Life Directive on my table here in the hospital. It is the mature thing to do, to have a will so that my Sis and D wouldn't have to decide to what to do with me. But, my naive 33 year old, 7 1/2 months ago self, wouldn't have it on my table at home. I would have put it off. It reminds me of the day I got diagnosed, and the first surgeon I met with asked me if I had one, and if I didn't I should get one done.
She is right. And this is needing to be done out of that not safe place. I have a few big hitters for goals for myself when I come out of this. One is that I do not allow myself to live in the future, one of the life changing lessons of cancer, and not think about, "my stats for the next three years." I do need to spew about it every in a while, because it is scary. All the other breast cancers have medications to treat what their cancer feeds on to keep it at bay. But mine doesn't. And that is why I did so much chemo and rads, being just a stage one. A stage one, that had a deep BC that went 1 cm into my pec mmls. That is scary to me. That it just wasn't in my boob. That it had traveled into the muscle. But that is where I have to stop my mind, myself.
So, I haven't cracked that damn book, but will. Maybe over a cup of warm tea. When I am all done with my treatment in a few months. For those of you that don't know this, I am a tea whore. I covet tea. I sniff and drink tea, like the hipsters do these days wine. I have stopped drinking tea since chemo, because I love it so much that I didn't want to risk hating it when I am done. But I will make my will and my what if scenarios, just in case, the chance happens.
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