Battle Wounds

September was a whirlwind and October is already half way over. Each day is filled with times of reclaiming Heather. Reclaiming her and integrating Heather. The new and old.

Like today, I took a five mile walk, as yesterday I went for a run and lifted weights so I was trying to be gentle on my knees. Strangely, my knees had a hard time for the first time ever, in my whole life. I realized that running everyday is not good and that I need to be slow with the running again. So, I'm trying to do every other day. On my walk, I noticed the fall leaves and the spiders living in their new spun homes. As I walked my brain had a flashback of last Autumn. How the very bald head seemed to find every unseen spider web and how happy I was this year to be blissfully in lala hair zone and not know about all the spider webs getting caught in my SUPER curly hair. The longer it gets the curls just get curlier. The phrase "chemo curls" seems to have been coined due to my hair! I am absolutely loving having hair. Each day, I bound into the shower to wet it, no need for shampoo yet, and rinse out the day befores product, and then put more on it. I love the smell and the ritual. My eyelashes are not fully in and that is starting to drive me nuts.

The other thing that I realized today as my friend felt my port stitches (the stitches we removed the other day), is that its a little rough. She mentioned that there is vitamin E, and whatever else stuff. I intterupted her and told her that I don't want to use anything. The hippie girl in me knows about all that stuff. I told her, that with all this cancer stuff I just don't want to use anything alternative. Not that Vitamin E is alternative. But I just DON'T want to use anything. The scar is what it is. Its rough. Its my battle wound. It helps as I run my fingers across it, to remind me that yes, indeed what I have gone through is and was real. It was rough. It will heal. It will move on. It will be whole again. Forever changed. Forever different. But it will be smooth again. And I don't want to pretend or take away anything from it. That is where my medicine went into my heart and healed me. I want it to be a reminder. For that delicious day that I am full of health and living the life that I get to live. That. One. Day. In. The. Future.

I had a dinner party at my house tonight. I made soup, Made a plum cobbler. I am eating sugar. Some would say, The Devil. I am not going to go without everything just out of fear. If eating plum cobbler, or drinking wine, or having a cookie makes cancer come back and kill me Some Day...then...it does. Who knows. We all are going to have to die. Some Day. Some. Day.
Life is full of those thoughts lately. That someday. There is a ton of sadness. I am full of sadness. Less tears. More just integrating right now. I am not as manic. I am sleeping. I am loving, EVERYONE deeply around me. Its interesting seeing who can take it in. Who cannot. How those that can't make me want to give more or to totally remove myself. Knowing full well, that in the end, it and none of really matters. Because of that some day. Those that are in my life now, will be..until they are not. Pretty simple.
I need to start writing my book. I am hoping for a respite soon. Loving deeply. Feeling deeply. Heart wide open. Loving myself a TON. Loving feeling alive. And loving those spider webs.

Summer is just around the corner

This year, I get to have a summer. I am one of those girls that absolutely loves to go to the beach, lay out in a bikini and lay in the sun. I love to sit out on my deck and read, watching the sun set, or as it will be in a little longer, the sun rise. The roses from the pixies and roses picture (down below) are just starting to bloom the past few days. I remember that picture. My sister drove up to Seattle from Eugene to hold my hand because that was the day I was brave enough to cut my hair from shoulders length to the pixie cut. I needed support. She took a good pic of me. Vanity is starting to trickle back in waves of fierceness. I am really sick of my pudgy cheeks and want desperately to see my cheekbones again. I think I've lost tons of weight the past few weeks, now that the steroids are lessened.
Yesterday I took my longest walk that I've been able to take in a long while, I need to get in my car and actually drive it to see how many miles it is. It took me a few hours, I'm guessing 8 miles. I'm not sore at all today, and I want to do it all over again. Especially since I can't sleep and I could leave right now. But I am going to force myself to take it easy today, because yesterday on the walk my lungs, both of them were kind of burning towards the end of the walk. They felt fine after my walk, and even right now okay to breath in deeply. I am sure I am fine. I am so sick of this leash I have around me, that I've been forced to have around me. Okay, a more positive spin, I sure am thankful that I've learned to slow down a bit and listen to my body. I actually don't know if I learned to slow down, but I sure did learn the listen to my body bit.

I am getting very excited for my party this weekend, and to be around all my family and friends. I can't wait to hold my sisters hand, and kick her butt at some board game.

Good and Bad News

First of all, I am going to say that my Onc told me and my Cardiologists told me it was totally fine to start exercising. Okay.
I ran Monday, ran Tuesday, and felt awesome, during and afterwards. Well, Tuesday night I woke up with a pain in my chest on the left side. Not just sort of pain, but excruciating pain. I couldn't sleep on either side because of this pain. The pain was/is totally different than lat time, in that its super painful. Last time, it gradually was painful. So, I woke up Wednesday didn't excercise and ended up calling my Onc in the late afternoon because I could hardly breathe. He wanted me to go to the ER and I wouldn't go. Last time it was such a horrible experience, in that you check in talk to a doc that has no idea whats actually going on, and its a run around. So, I didn't go. I called and spoke with my cardiologist twice in the evening and was assured that I was probably going to be fine.
I couldn't sleep well at all last night because the pain has only gotten worse. This morning after my rad, I got a chest X-ray and an Eccho again. The good news, my heart is awesome. The bad news, I have a moderate level of fluid in both my lungs again. I really don't think this is caused by me running, as if you remember a few weeks back I noticed the swelling came back in my ankles, which is a symptom of all this crap. I am over it!
I do not want to take predisone anymore. I am sick of steroids. I want to be get back to my slim and FIT body. I want to be pretty again. I am just so sick of the weight. Please don't write and say I will be soon enough, I know I will. I just am sick of it. SICK OF IT!! I was really excited to start exercising like a freak and get back into health.
I am not supposed to know any of this as I saw it on the Eccho, but am waiting to hear back from a DR who is allowed to tell me the info. I've had the eccho done enough now, that I can see fluid.

trickling back to life

Most of the time, I feel like I am back to "life". I have been pretty upset the past few weeks, emotionally. Not for any other reason that just coming to grips with the fact that I "got" breast cancer. I am trying to not dwell on the fact that my period hasn't returned yet, but this is upsetting. There are lots of things that are upsetting.
But there are a lot of things that are positive. For instance, morning, I had radiation #11, so only 22 left. I saw my eye doc again, and he said in surgery they found a bunch of little obstructions. My eye isn't tolerable yet to me, so we may have a few other options in a few weeks to discover. I am now eating vegetarian. My Onc says he doesn't care what I eat. My ND that focuses just on cancer says only red meat once a month. And most of the literature I read says that I need to not eat red meat, as it turns carcinogenic in the body. So. Diet is one of three things I can control.
#1 Diet
#2- Exercise

Which leads me to my other positive so far in the day, is that I started running again. I started lifting weights and walking last week. And today, I walked a 1/2 mile to the beach, ran I think 3/4 of a mile, and walked back up the hill doing lots of lunges to my home. I feel great.

and the
#3 is attitude. Of coarse. This one makes me angry because I had a really good attitude before cancer. I never dwelt on getting cancer or even thought of it. So this one pisses me off. LIke my attitude is going to keep cancer away. Well, who knows if it will or not. So, I am going to opt to try to get back to the attitude of not thinking about "getting" cancer again.

Last week I saw my first mental health Oncology Therapist. I basically cried the whole time I was in there. Literally. I am sure she clincally diagnosed me as "depressed". I think I might be. Or maybe I'm not. Maybe I am hormonal with lots of those changes, since I don't have my period. Or maybe its because I am overwhelmed with emotions because of what I have had to face in such a short period of time or maybe its because I had to face it at all.
I told my eye doctor today that I just want to be a normal 33 year old girl again. I really do. I want to bleed every month, I want to get hormonal achne again, I just want to not have my world be full of hot flashes, and doctor appointments. My friend Gen is in Eugene visiting her boyfriend for the next month and my sister lives there, and she's pregnant. I want to go visit them, but I can't because I have doctor appointments every freakin' day.
Did i mention how incredible my body feels right now? I just ate a delicious salad had some "Veggie Delight" on the side (look it up for those of you that don't know it) and my spirit feels pretty good right now.

Rollerblading

I still don't have a voice, but I am feeling great!! I worked at my realty office for a bit today, and then I went down to Alki in West Seattle to roller blade. Now, for those of you that don't live here, Alki is a beach neighborhood with an incredible boardwalk that goes on for miles along the beach. I have only roller bladed once in my life, and for not long as I fell and crashed into a poor man. So today, I had on all the pads, wrist guards, and helmet and was so excited to teach myself how to do this. I went slow, as I am not good at all at trying to stop. The key word here is trying, as I really couldn't get a good feel for stopping. I took it slow, but did it long enough that I got a wee bit of a workout in my gluteals muscles and managed to get a blister that made me stop.
It felt incredible to be outside in the sunny weather excersising. I came home and made a big pot of chili and my friend Debbie told me a yummy new cornbread recipe, you stick blue cheese inside the muffins...they turned out delicious!!

I am really excited to watch LOST tonight, I am hopelessly addicted to TV. Luckily I am getting a new life and do not have my eyes glued to the TV constantly!!

Still sick

I have had a fever all weekend long. This morning I woke up and barely got dressed. It had snowed outside and I really wanted to walk up to the bakery and drink hot cocoa. D didn't think we should go, but I really wanted to get out of bed, out of the house, and celebrate the winter wonderland. We have a few big hills to walk up to get up to the bakery and I just couldn't do it. I got almost there and had to sit in a squatting position for a few minutes and couldn't stand back up without feeling like I was going to get sick and faint. D was pissed at me because I pushed myself too hard. And I was pissed that I just couldn't get to the bakery. I am so sick of laying around and I really really wanted to be with other people and watch them enjoying the winter day.
So, back we went home and I've been in bed with a fever off and on all day. I guess I must be trying to fight some kind of bug off since the fever has lasted for so many days. I will call my Oncologist tomorrow and just let the nurses know I've been sick all weekend.

Picking up the leaves

Today was a big day, and this will be a long post. Where to start?

I was on the island today and during the massage I was giving I felt my athlete in me. Doing massage, I always have felt her. As, occasionally I (unbeknownst to my clients~now you guys know) I put myself into a yoga posture to stretch as I am doing massage moves. What happened to me when I got diagnosed was that my life imploded. I let go of everything as everything, and I mean everything fell apart and to the side. All that I had ever thought I'd known, disintegrated. Even my athlete. Although I have called on her during my treatment, I haven't connected with her yet.

I think I have to start with yesterday before I go further. Yesterday, as I watched Ellen Degeneres ( I am now a TV holic that loves, and I mean loves all these TV shows, so funny to me) so as I watched her, I got up as I was feeling well enough to do exercises for the first time since I was diagnosed, in a serious way. Every commercial I did lunges, squats, calf raises, tricep dips, and crunches. I felt great doing it and but I didn't say hi to my athlete. I just did the exercises.

Fast forward to today, my calf's were a little sore and I felt supported by my body, by my athlete. Back again, during the massage, I looked in the mirror as I was doing a massage stroke, and said hi to her. And in that moment, I realized how far from her I was. I checked in with myself, and there was the base emotion of anger. But when I looked closer, I was angry that she, the athlete had forsaken me. I mean hell, I have exercised religiously my whole life. She let me down. She let me have cancer. She, oh, the tears started. Not heavy, as I was working, and this all happened in a matter of probably two minutes. But it was deep. I realized that I had to forgive her. I had to forgive my athlete/my body for giving up. For not fighting off that fucking cancer. And in this forgiveness, of really myself, I had to recognize on a deep level that she wasn't at fault. But that I had been pissed and disappointed in her efforts. I had been let down and that we needed to come back together. I needed to forgive her. So, during that massage I welcomed myself back to my athlete/my body.

I told her that I am ready to do those yoga postures again, and to feel my body again, and to risk loving my body again. Risk, thinking and ultimately believing that if I love my body by exercising I will live a longer healthier life.

I was ready to feel again. So, through the few eyelashes I have the tears got heavy, and I wiped them away and I was whole. I went for a three mile walk today around the Burton Loop. There is a flat stretch along the way, and my athlete in me said, "Why don't you run that half mile, Heather." So I did. I felt my lungs rise and fill with air, and felt my body get warm again. I was in touch with my breath. I was and am, alive. I caught the cancer as early as I could. My life is in the hands of what I agreed to as I entered this body. I am learning from all of this. I am growing and learning to love myself in a deeper way. And that is all I can say.

I am ready to start doing yoga again, and start feeling my body again. I am no longer afraid of her. I am no longer angry with her. And I am no longer disappointed in her.

Fall walks

Last time my sis was here, I really liked to eat Pho after chemo. Now, just her mentioning that she wanted to go there made me sick to stomach. Mouth watering, ick! I have to be careful, because many things I have eaten during chemo I can no longer even think about. Gatorade for one. Yhew!!! Chicken noodle soup. Disgusting... I think you got the point, I won't keep making myself sick. So for those of you just starting chemo, stay away from things that you like to eat.
Today, she brought us to Indian food for lunch and then she hit the road back to Eugene. It was nice to have her here for a day. I really am doing okay, so I told her to go be with her husband. Today I am doing good. Yesterday, for some reason was a really icky day. I kept feeling like I was going to throw up and I kept hugging the toilet bowl, and nothing would happen. Anytime I stood up for a period of time, I would feel like this..so I forced myself to lay around, and hold hands with my sis.
When wendy left, D and I drove to the Arboretum and took a walk. What a beautiful park it is! We kissed under a group of cedar trees and talked about what a stressful time it is for us. He said, 'Luckily we have each other to go through this together.' I agreed. We get to do all the stressful things at once, this year. Have a house on the market, and cancer. Awesome time.

Bag Lady

Okay, sorry I took a few days off. I admittedly have been slammed with real estate and absolutely loving it. Yeah know, when I got diagnosed my life fell apart. It had to. I had to spend weeks on the coach in shock, unable to move. I had to spend time reading everything I could get my hands on about breast cancer and I needed to do this. It empowered me. The pain of family members calling and not understanding and feeling free to judge and ask me why, I wasn't happier, ect...still is painful. I felt so misunderstood in a time that I needed to just be held. The compassionate person in me can and does understand that they are just people, trying to connect the best they can. But my heart has a ways to go with understanding their questions.
I remember when I was afraid of everything in the beginning. Even questioning and being met with no real answers from my doctors about the simplest life things. After my surgery will I be able to carry heavy grocery bags? Will this cause lymphadema? Yesterday, as I left the grocery store I decided to test this for the first time. The once unconscious act of carrying multiple bags in my right and left arms. Well, yesterday I carried two heavy bags with that right arm. I thought to myself, "wow, I am doing it. It doesn't cause any discomfort. I think its safe." That is how my life feels again. I think its safe to be Heather again.
A friend Anna from Vashon made a collague for me. Its a beautiful yellow flower that has shattered glass swirled in a beautiful pattern around its budding flower. This is how my life has and still feels. I was that beautiful radiant flower that gleamed all that I am. And then, cancer came into my life. It shattered the mirror of my life into a million pieces and it was up to me to get them into a beautiful pattern. As I was not going to let cancer make an ugly pattern of my life. So for the past few months I alone, have taken each piece of my shattered life and begun putting it into a beautiful mosaic again. I cannot put the mirror back the way it was. That is impossible, and I don't want to. I want to see all the ways that life isn't perfect and see the beauty in it.
In fact, I am starting to feel empowered again. So, to the people that thought I was being destructive, or that I should be working faster than I was able to, or that I was not "doing" to their unknown (because they have never had cancer, nor had to face their mortality, at a young age) standards, I AM BACK. THE WAY YOU WANTED ME. BUT ON MY TERMS. AND ON MY CLOCK. I am so proud of the way I have gone through this and frankly, I made it. I feel good. Cancer isn't just about facing treatment and making it. Its about facing my life, and facing mortality and being brave to know that noone can tell me if I am going to make it 100% and thats the real truth, not to mention what I had to go through with the whole fertility thing.
So, Heather is trickling back into my blood. I am back tentatively attacking real estate again. I actually am enjoying it tremendously. My office rocks. I love going there and have such support from my family there. From the beginning. Support that hasn't gone away with time.
I still have about five months to go. But I am starting to learn to live with my cancer treatment and all the unknowns. I don't get to know if my cancer counts are going down during this, I just get to have faith that they are. I will get to wait until January to know if I am in fact in remission and that I am living cancer free. So for today, I get to go forward with a beautiful sunny day and I get four more good days until my last AC. I am not looking forward to feeling sick again, and having my soul sucked from my veins. I get to just hope that Taxol is easier and that it gives me a few good days in between the treatments. I am scared that I won't. Changing to weekly chemo treatments brings a bit of anxiety to me. But at least I am now carrying grocery bags and going for bike rides.

The week of friends

This week friends have brought by a lot of food, and thank you all for that. I honestly haven't been cooking the healthiest possible in the past month, and with the food made with love from you guys, I can just pull it out and it makes life so much easier. I am back to Heather. In fact, D and I are going for a bike ride in a few moments. We are going to try shaving my head today. I have about ten little hairs that are still growing, and so they stand straight up in the air and they are driving me nuts.

I don't have any new major thought provoking ideas to share with you all. It doesn't change. I just have to get through this. Each day, many times through the day, I have to give myself a pep talk and know that I can and will make it through this. I have to give myself these pep talks because its so rough to do what I am doing. Its so disgusting. I say that I would never do it again, but then I think life is worth it. And maybe I would. I just have to say right now that I never would do it again because I can't imagine doing it more than I already need to. In fact, remember when I asked my doctor for the four more treatments of Taxol, because of the 27% increase in survivial rate? Well, right now, and in fact this very second I am listening to myself and my mind, heart, body, and soul now doesn't want to do the extra month. I can't imagine doing it to myself. I could be done with chemo in two months instead of three more. Its going to be each week now (after my last AC, next wed). What if I don't get days of feeling good in between. I know these weeks of feeling good and feeling the joy in my spirit rise again is the ONLY thing that gets me through this. This bike ride I get to go on. The one that I will need to wear a little hat because the wind rustling through the almost bare scalp will be cold. So, can I handle weekly Taxol for three months. No, I know I can't. But then, I know I will. The athlete in me knows I will. I just have to get on my game face, and I am scared. I am so scared, and so sad, and so devestated, and so tired of not feeling good. I am tired of crying and waiting to live life again. I am so pissed.

Today is a Oozy

I didn't sleep well last night at all. i was so anxious about little things. I do not have the mind control I once had of being able to let go of things right now. The chemo has just taken over my mind. I worry about our move upstairs and I worry about nonsensical things like a bad dream about my friend Gen and I just can't sleep. That is what one of the chemo drugs is for. I took it twice last night, at the intervalled times I could. I woke up feeling pretty bad and gen and I tried to walk to the beach but I didn't make it back up the hill without calling D to get us. I kept walking into branches and scratching my face because I can't see that well right now. I called it my Pheriphreal Village on accident. The typos are driving me crazy, sorry. I just don't have the energy or brain power right now to fix them. I have been in bed basically all day now since the walk. It took too much out of me. The only thing that sounds good to me to eat is a fried egg on top of a toasted piece of bread. MMmmm... Delicious. G keeps making me smoothies and ginger tea. We are going to watch Nacho Libre a little later today, so that we can laugh a little. That movie still gets to me

Meds and more meds

My very nice Oncology nurse said to me the other day, " Heather, you just have to let go of the alnertavive way in you go while you are doing this chemo. You need to stay up on the meds, you need to take them." I have found this to be true. No waiting, to see how badly I need them, because badly is going to come, and it is going to come rolling at m like a frieght train, a black one at that. I have med's that I have to take that make me unable to drive, to keep my nausea down, and that make it very hard for me to type and to read, or even watch TV. My eyes are pretty blury. This is a close second to the overall jest of not feeling well and achy. I am hoping today is a better day. We will just have to see. Everyday, I have walked with Gen down to the beach,sat and watched the ferries leave Vashon Island and then walk back up the hill.
Yesterday, I had to water a cedar tree, on my own accord. There was nothing I could do. I tired to get deep into the tree, but I am on so many med's right now, and drinking so much water (tons and tons) that if I did get caught, I would have first of all looked ill and very believable and secondly my excuse would have worked. If none of those worked, I am a girl. : )
As we sat yesterday, on one of our walks. One walk we drove down to Alki. We took a break on one of the benches and talked about coping. I am ready to come back to the copying side of life again. Copying, as in letting, and allowing myself to believe, and fall into what we as humans do. We use our various stretched out, enlightening, purpose filled, you got my picture reasons why and how life is so hard and how we get through it. I am ready to fall back into this. However much, getting a life threatening disease took this from me for almost two months. More acutely just being faces with my own mortality on such a deep and devastating level. I think its fair to start trusting in "things" again. We all have them. It is what makes us get up on the right side of the bed. Taking another med, so that I can get some sleep and deal with the nausea. I have to wake up, eat my new favorite bland meal of egg on toasted toast, and go back to sleep. Or is that, lay in bed and wait for the medicine to put me to sleep. This is all so foreign!

Long Walks and Steaks

My sis is here and we went for a six mile walk from my house, here in West Seattle down to Alki and back up the hill to home.  She kept stopping, and here I am going to have her type in what she thinks of that walk.

Wendy says, "It sucks walking with you. Especially going up all the hills.  You have breast cancer and your in better shape than I'm in, without breast cancer."  I loved that!  We had a great time.  My Dad had to go in today to see if he needed Angioplasty.  I think that is how you spell it.  I asked him last night if he was okay, and he said, "Sure.  I just wish I had time to have two more steaks."  For those of you that do not know my Dad, he could (he'd be uncomfortable) but he could have them in one seating.  This made me mad, which is my usual response to his indifference to his health.  But this time, he couldn't blow off my fury because I have something in common, and I won't let him get off this easy anymore.  I felt that this is a good thing to bring up in my blog because we all do things that we know we shouldn't be doing for our health. 

Not often in a child's life, do kids get to teach their parents lessons.  Occasionally that does happen, and oh, do I love it when it does.  My little chest feathers get in a furl over it!  Last night when he made the steak comment I said, "Dad, I have the same thing going on right now. I love to eat sugar, and I can't anymore.  Sugar is the Devil for Cancer.  I totally understand how it is to want something you know you shouldn't be having.  And it sucks.  But Dad, I have to stop myself. I have to have the strength to stop myself.  I have to stop having ALL forms of sugar."  

So, I know how he feels and I have more compassion for everyone that needs to be exercising regularly but doesn't.  But if WE want to live, we, as in all you, have to start putting the right fuel into our bodies and start working out daily.  Even if it is a walk.  It is much easier and funnier I will add, to have a delicious little cookie or whatever.  But I just can't anymore.  And Dad, you need to stop eating red meat!  

Onto another note.  I am getting my hair wacked short tomorrow.  This time tomorrow I will have had a short do for two hours.  Not looking forward to having short/bald hair for a year.  I am increasingly becoming more and more emotional or controlling or whatever you want to call it.  My fertility shots are boosting my estrogen levels sky freaking high so that they can harvest the eggs.  The Doc warned us of this, but I didn't think it would happen.  I still don't notice it happening, but poor D keeps saying, "Relax."  I guess it is happening.