Bloating can be...

Summer is in full swing, and I literally have been home just a few days here and there over the past few months. I went on a motorcycle tour of Italy, Switzerland, Austria, Slovenia, and Croatia..with my new man. Life is so fun. I catch myself playing with my hair and I can actually almost pull it back into the tiniest of ponytails now. This makes me smile secretly to myself. What I found out at my doctors visit last week is this. My ticker is awesome the swelling is not from that. Which leaves it to, Chemo and/or hormones. It is common for a few years following chemo to experience what I am experiencing. They do not know why, but really that is now okay with me. It seems that that is the answer to so many of the crazy things that have happened to my body. "Heather, we have no idea why, but we do know, its chemo induced." Okay, I can live with that. My numbers all seem to be in the awesome range. I'm off, into the sea of living life and enjoying every moment of it.

Contemplating Sources

I have enjoyed the soul searching of various forms of therapy since I was five. I love looking at myself, in deep ways. I highly suggest for you Survivors out there, to find a top notch Cancer specializing therapist. I find Janet Abrams is a huge source for me. She understands all the medications, all the emotional ups and downs, the fear, the joy, she can hear everything I say, and get it.
What I talked to her about last time is the walking on eggshells around myself that I have been feeling. How I find myself unable to cope with multi-tasking and dealing with life all at the same time since I got cancer. My plate feels full, and I long to be back in the game of life. Don't get me wrong, before cancer, my Dad said regularly to me, "There is no need to stress over it Heather, stressing over it will not change the outcome." Wise words, that I knew would sink in later in life. Like a lot later. Like, as an old lady...a lady in my 60's. A wink, and a hug to those of you at this glorious age ( I now wish, and hope I make it to that age).
So, I got cancer. And lived in the present moment, and got finally what my Dad said. I had to know live my life like that. Do not stress over anything. What will be, will be. I am not a God believer. So, to me, trusting that God will would be done. And even if I was a believer in The One Way, I would not believe God's will would be to have my immune system, that dreaded day be overtaken by cancer.
Okay...so where was I? Oh, yes...back in the present moment. So, here I am presently filled with the now known understanding and fully integrated new way of living of living in the present and taking life as it may. And find myself struggling over how to be done with cancer, how to get a divorce and move gracefully through it, how to be single, how to buy a car, how to do it all on my own, how to run a successful real estate business, and how to run a successful massage practice. There is a lot of juggling that takes place. My massage practice is in peoples homes. So I drive around all day, and in between appointments I am seeing my real estate clients, and or talking to them on the phone. Real estate on its on is incredibly stress provoking. And then I find myself working until 10 or 11 at night again, and look at myself and say, "Now Heather, this is not taking care of yourself." I get that, really I do now.
Besides cancer, besides my health, I am still Heather. And Heather, loves to work. Heather, loves to work and be busy, and I love everyone so much. What more is there than a life of service. Well, that is until I get to be a Mom, and serve them (a blessed day indeed).
I'm straying again. In therapy I looked at my stress and why is it, that when I see a simple text message or get a call, or hear my sister mention something, or how at any moment I find myself not being able to deal? I literally, have freak out inside, and start the process of calming myself back down. ( I have learned how to do this, at least).
I kept picking up my phone during the therapy session, unbeknownst to me, whenever I said the word, STRESS. And finally, I said Why is it that I keep picking this thing up? And then, I had my Ahhh-Hhhaaaa moment. My mind went back to that day, to that phone call. To those words.
Heather, you do have cancer. You need to come down here right now.
Oh, right. And then, I had everything go wrong, and then more during my treatment.
All the worst case scenarios were MY LIFE. For the first time in my life.
I have grown, in the past year and a half, to expect the worst. That the worst case scenario is what very well may happen, and I have been living with that. I have been living on Eggshells since June 2, 2008. That is along time.
Oh. Right. That is the root.
Now that I recognize this, I can heal it.

A little pink

Today's radiation marked the beginning of pink. I think it burned a little bit afterwards, but no big deal. I put on the Biafin and off I went. Life is incredibly hectic right now. I have a few realty deals going on, my massage practice, and just doing things again is a lot. My mind has caught up to the real world again, or should I say to this reality again. Where it has been was the real world as well. I am just glad to be done, or almost done with that world.
Tomorrow I am going to see an oncology therapist for the first time, I hope she is good. I have heard incredible things about her.
Life is weird now. I am 34, but have tons of those menopause things happening, and this morning I cried because I am so sad about it. It affects everything in my life right now.
I am overwhelmed and enjoying it.

Picking up the leaves

Today was a big day, and this will be a long post. Where to start?

I was on the island today and during the massage I was giving I felt my athlete in me. Doing massage, I always have felt her. As, occasionally I (unbeknownst to my clients~now you guys know) I put myself into a yoga posture to stretch as I am doing massage moves. What happened to me when I got diagnosed was that my life imploded. I let go of everything as everything, and I mean everything fell apart and to the side. All that I had ever thought I'd known, disintegrated. Even my athlete. Although I have called on her during my treatment, I haven't connected with her yet.

I think I have to start with yesterday before I go further. Yesterday, as I watched Ellen Degeneres ( I am now a TV holic that loves, and I mean loves all these TV shows, so funny to me) so as I watched her, I got up as I was feeling well enough to do exercises for the first time since I was diagnosed, in a serious way. Every commercial I did lunges, squats, calf raises, tricep dips, and crunches. I felt great doing it and but I didn't say hi to my athlete. I just did the exercises.

Fast forward to today, my calf's were a little sore and I felt supported by my body, by my athlete. Back again, during the massage, I looked in the mirror as I was doing a massage stroke, and said hi to her. And in that moment, I realized how far from her I was. I checked in with myself, and there was the base emotion of anger. But when I looked closer, I was angry that she, the athlete had forsaken me. I mean hell, I have exercised religiously my whole life. She let me down. She let me have cancer. She, oh, the tears started. Not heavy, as I was working, and this all happened in a matter of probably two minutes. But it was deep. I realized that I had to forgive her. I had to forgive my athlete/my body for giving up. For not fighting off that fucking cancer. And in this forgiveness, of really myself, I had to recognize on a deep level that she wasn't at fault. But that I had been pissed and disappointed in her efforts. I had been let down and that we needed to come back together. I needed to forgive her. So, during that massage I welcomed myself back to my athlete/my body.

I told her that I am ready to do those yoga postures again, and to feel my body again, and to risk loving my body again. Risk, thinking and ultimately believing that if I love my body by exercising I will live a longer healthier life.

I was ready to feel again. So, through the few eyelashes I have the tears got heavy, and I wiped them away and I was whole. I went for a three mile walk today around the Burton Loop. There is a flat stretch along the way, and my athlete in me said, "Why don't you run that half mile, Heather." So I did. I felt my lungs rise and fill with air, and felt my body get warm again. I was in touch with my breath. I was and am, alive. I caught the cancer as early as I could. My life is in the hands of what I agreed to as I entered this body. I am learning from all of this. I am growing and learning to love myself in a deeper way. And that is all I can say.

I am ready to start doing yoga again, and start feeling my body again. I am no longer afraid of her. I am no longer angry with her. And I am no longer disappointed in her.

Where did the weekend go?

I can't believe its already Sunday night. I had a blast this weekend. In fact, I can't remember a weekend that I had this much fun. Today I met my friend Sarah (long time friend from Vashon) and we walked all around the Arboretum. For those of you that don't live in Seattle, it is one of the most beautiful parks here in the city. WIth the fall leaves at their peak I had sensory overload. She reminded me to put myself first and again, I was reminded of the foremost lesson that "cancer" is/has taught me. I need to put Heather first.
Why is it that woman tend to think of their mates/children first, putting off their needs and desires for the greater good. When the greater good often gets neglected in return. I had a great weekend because I put Heather first all weekend, as I have been doing on a much smaller scale since I got diagnosed.
I miss living on Vashon. When I am out there my community is around me at every turn in the road. Literally, it is. I get to say Hello to the folks crossing in the streets. I miss that to the core of my spirit. Taking walks out there I can hear, actually hear the rustle of the leaves and the distant eagle chirping. These are sounds in the city that get eaten up by the roar and vibrant beat of all the people.

I spent all day yesterday out on the island. I had lunch and dinner with friends and in between took a long long walk all by myself. This used to be a daily routine. I can't wait to live out there again. Life is just simpler out there.

The Lint Roller..

It works just as good as the blue painter's tape, if you're wondering! Maybe a little easier since its is on a roller. I am now down to a few strands, here and there, with a bit of fuzz. I look bald. Bald enough that I am getting those infamous looks. Yesterday I was at the store getting my med's and a group of teenage girls were alerted by one of the girls and suddenly they all looked up at me. I wanted to say, "Hey, I have cancer." But instead, I just took it in. Remember, I am trying to learn from this whole experience, as it is my choice to parade around bare. I must admit that I was hurt by it. Hurt enough that I couldn't write about it yesterday and I took the day to process it.
The house is set to go on the market tomorrow. All the last minute doings are almost wrapped up. We get to fill out the Form 17, the disclosure and such. It will be an interesting week with me doing chemo and needing to be ushered into the car so that people can, by appointment view the home. Luckily my Dad is coming for the week and I am excited to get this done. My thumb started hurting me again today, just a little. I am afraid that it hasn't healed enough to do the chemo as scheduled, so I will call my Doctor tomorrow and talk to him. Not much else. I am ready for my journey to begin again. I am scared.

Hot Seattle Day

Today was incredible in Seattle. Perfect weather. If I didn't have cancer, I would have taken a plunge into the Sound. I had to call my doctor today and get an extension of the antibiotic. My hand is not 100% cured yet. But it doesn't hurt to move my thumb around, just when I push on it.
This weekend I managed to clean our 3400 SQFT house, all by myself. D worked on getting all the odds and ends completed around the house. The photographer came yesterday as did many other subs and now we are all set to go on the market, on Monday. Very exciting. Life has luckily been busy so that chemo day, Wednesday comes quickly. Hair is still limply holding on. I might roll a lint roller over it. I have no desire to risk shaving my head. I can't get another infection right now.

Painter's Tape

Last night I was laying in bed and telling D how much my stubble hurts my head. Not hurt as in cellulitis hurt, but like when someone rakes their stubble across your tender little face, or for guys maybe when your gal doesn't shave her legs. My hair has limply been hanging on just by its follicles this past week. My friend Nic told me yesterday that she thought the reason it was bothering me was that the hair is out of the follicle and poking the nerve endings. That makes sense to me.
Needless to say, I've been fantasizing about shaving my head or getting it waxed. I've even thought of using Duct tape to pull it out. Shaving and waxing I am scared to do because they both pull the first layer of skin off, and I don't want an infection. So, like I was saying, last night I was laying in bed and told D how uncomfortable it is to lay my head against a pillow. He said, "Why don't you use duct tape." That is all I needed.
Never in my life would I EVER have thought that I would find myself in the bathroom with my husband pulling my hair off my head (now that is not out, it is off because its literally just hanging in there for dear life at this moment), with blue painter's tape. Yes, we pulled it off like you'd do to an old sweater with all its little annoying balls of pitted yard. The tape worked! I now look like a dog with severe mange. I have bald spots all over and at this moment can feel the air's circulation through my house against my head more than I could yesterday. Any ideas on how to get the rest out??

Pixie cut

My sis is on her way down from Eugene, she should be here within the hour.  I need her moral support when I get my hair freakin' chopped off on Friday.  I am not looking forward to it at all.  I am really sad about it, however vain it is.  I loved my hair, it was the longest it had ever been and I just hate not accomplishing a goal.  My goal was to get it down to my butt.  It will take probably ten years to get it that long again.  Besides the fertility thing, this is the runner up with being pissed at something.  You know what?  I am going to make a Pissed off list right now.

1.  Possible menopause and will be not be able to conceive naturally (which sucks. I always dreamt about the day looking into my man's eyes and saying, "let's make a baby."

2.  Cutting my hair down to nothing and then being bald

3.  Not being able have an awesome August and September in the PNW

4.  Not doing real estate as hard core as I was

5. Not being able to carry heavy things, i.e. my massage table

6. Worrying that chemo might not work

7.  Dying and having D love someone else

8.  Dying 

9.  Not eating sugar anymore

10. Not eating baked goods 

11. Worrying about having cancer come back

12.  Worrying about wether or not I should even have kids now

13.  Having so many things ripped from me that I can't even think anymore.

14. The ability to think about having kids and being indulgent with thinking about being a mom is GONE!  That sucks.

So that is a list and that list doesn't seem so dark and horrible.  I must be forgetting something.  So yep, the hair gets to be cut short as a boy's in a few days and that sucks.  The non-sucky thing lately is that my fertility doc's were afraid my follicles were too big and they weren't going to get many eggs.  As it looks today, I have 10-15 eggs, that's awesome!  I am still going to divide them up, as D just isn't sure.  I am sure he would be more reflective if he wasn't in the middle of building a house, and trying to be there 100% for a wife that has breast cancer.  It is so messed up.  OH!  I just thought of #14.  My sis should be here soon.  D is stoked, he gets off of dish duty for a few days!!

Mowing the Lawn

I woke up this morning thinking of getting out there and mowing the lawn.  It has finally stopped raining in the city of perpetual rain, Seattle.  I also want to get dressed and go up to my Realty office and make like thirty boxes of my blog address on it.  When someone asks me, like at the PCC, "How are you doing?"  I am going to tell them I just got diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  I have always disliked this question.  I don't dislike the question, I just dislike the chitter-chatter of it.  The fake depth, but we all know that if you answer, "I feel like shit."  The person asking would react like you told them too much information.  The main reason I need to share, is that it helps me say cancer, I have breast cancer.  D and I both feel like this is maybe a mistake.  Maybe someone will call us and tell us that "Oh, Jez!  Sorry!  We mixed up all the tests, we've been looking at someone else's file." 

So, I am going to tell people.  The other reason is is that I want to educate people while I am the picture of seemingly "Perfect" health.  I want to be the face of cancer that says, "Look at Me, this could be you, check your boobs!"  Have your sister check her boobs.  Last night my sis and I went into a store and this exact thing happened.  He asked me how I was, I told him.  I told him because I saw he had a wedding band on.  I hope that he does call his wife when I leave and tell her. 

 In a while I am going to my office, nobody's ever there on Sundays.  Which is perfect.  If I see someone, I'll start to cry.  I am going to make these little boxes, and if any of you want to get it out there too, please do.  

I am going to mow our lawn today.  I feel good.  I feel like Heather again, just a shocked Heather.  I feel that little girl inside me, that can sit on her Dad's lap and cry.  Dad, she is crying all the time right now.  I am scared.  I am sad.  I am bewildered and shocked, and will probably be pissed for a bit.  I hope not.  I hope that I can stay in a peaceful place with this, as peaceful as possible.  Love.  Its all about Love or Fear.  I must continue the choice to stay in the Light of the Present Moment.  Have a great day all of you.  I might even go watch Sex and the City!!