Still Point

Coming to a place of gratefulness. How does one get there? Choice.

Sure cancer stole a lot from me, and during this time of writing I get to go back and relive all of that. But..But..there are a lot of pluses, and movements inside me that I choose to look at. Don't get me wrong. When my sister told me she was pregnant, I mourned. She mourned as well, because we'd always hoped and talked about the day we'd be pregnant together. There is loss. There is grief. I do not think its healthy, nor am I saying to overlook, or to shuffle the loss under a rug of pain.

I just choose to look at the positives. The fact that I am here, to be at my nephews birth. To see life. To be apart of his life.

My life, that could've been taken, with the aggressiveness of Triple Negative. I get to train, and run a marathon, that I would've never done before cancer. My mind and the self-imposed limitations are less restrictive now.

Grieve at your own pace. Feel at your own pace. Simply being with yourself, in and on, your journey. It is a journey. This Cancer Journey. If you choose to pay attention in that way. Others choose to not think, and just get through, and go on living life. There is no right way. I would love to hear from any of you, privately, or in the public comments if you wish..when you do come to your place of gratefulness. This will make my heart soar! I am also here, to hear your despair. Believe me, I am there. In the still point. One side is despair, the other gratitude.

Contemplating Sources

I have enjoyed the soul searching of various forms of therapy since I was five. I love looking at myself, in deep ways. I highly suggest for you Survivors out there, to find a top notch Cancer specializing therapist. I find Janet Abrams is a huge source for me. She understands all the medications, all the emotional ups and downs, the fear, the joy, she can hear everything I say, and get it.
What I talked to her about last time is the walking on eggshells around myself that I have been feeling. How I find myself unable to cope with multi-tasking and dealing with life all at the same time since I got cancer. My plate feels full, and I long to be back in the game of life. Don't get me wrong, before cancer, my Dad said regularly to me, "There is no need to stress over it Heather, stressing over it will not change the outcome." Wise words, that I knew would sink in later in life. Like a lot later. Like, as an old lady...a lady in my 60's. A wink, and a hug to those of you at this glorious age ( I now wish, and hope I make it to that age).
So, I got cancer. And lived in the present moment, and got finally what my Dad said. I had to know live my life like that. Do not stress over anything. What will be, will be. I am not a God believer. So, to me, trusting that God will would be done. And even if I was a believer in The One Way, I would not believe God's will would be to have my immune system, that dreaded day be overtaken by cancer.
Okay...so where was I? Oh, yes...back in the present moment. So, here I am presently filled with the now known understanding and fully integrated new way of living of living in the present and taking life as it may. And find myself struggling over how to be done with cancer, how to get a divorce and move gracefully through it, how to be single, how to buy a car, how to do it all on my own, how to run a successful real estate business, and how to run a successful massage practice. There is a lot of juggling that takes place. My massage practice is in peoples homes. So I drive around all day, and in between appointments I am seeing my real estate clients, and or talking to them on the phone. Real estate on its on is incredibly stress provoking. And then I find myself working until 10 or 11 at night again, and look at myself and say, "Now Heather, this is not taking care of yourself." I get that, really I do now.
Besides cancer, besides my health, I am still Heather. And Heather, loves to work. Heather, loves to work and be busy, and I love everyone so much. What more is there than a life of service. Well, that is until I get to be a Mom, and serve them (a blessed day indeed).
I'm straying again. In therapy I looked at my stress and why is it, that when I see a simple text message or get a call, or hear my sister mention something, or how at any moment I find myself not being able to deal? I literally, have freak out inside, and start the process of calming myself back down. ( I have learned how to do this, at least).
I kept picking up my phone during the therapy session, unbeknownst to me, whenever I said the word, STRESS. And finally, I said Why is it that I keep picking this thing up? And then, I had my Ahhh-Hhhaaaa moment. My mind went back to that day, to that phone call. To those words.
Heather, you do have cancer. You need to come down here right now.
Oh, right. And then, I had everything go wrong, and then more during my treatment.
All the worst case scenarios were MY LIFE. For the first time in my life.
I have grown, in the past year and a half, to expect the worst. That the worst case scenario is what very well may happen, and I have been living with that. I have been living on Eggshells since June 2, 2008. That is along time.
Oh. Right. That is the root.
Now that I recognize this, I can heal it.

Morning tea

This just happened, and its kind of funny...kind of. So I thought I'd share it.

I am sitting here in my comfy chair, drinking my homemade chai (fresh tumeric root, ginger root, tons of cardamon, cinnamon sticks, and black tea) and I ran my hand through my hair. Its soft I thought. So soft. Then I found myself saying out loud, "Are you kidding? I did chemo. I lost all my hair. I did 11 chemo. Then I did 33 radiations? Seriously? I did that?"

Opening

I have been working and visiting with friends like a maniac. Yesterday was my first day in weeks where I did nothing, and spent most of the day alone. I was able to slow down and get tired, finally. About a week ago I hiked a nearby mountain, well..not all the way to the top, but close. My body felt great and I wasn't in pain. I am not sure if what happened yesterday is related to the hike or not, the doc's will all say no it didn't. But I think it did. But then again, I'm not a doc and maybe they are right.
But two days ago, I noticed when I was giving massages that my chest started hurting when I bent over to grab my massage oil. So, I started to put the bottle of oil on counter tops and not on the floor. This is a classic symptom of pericarditis. Bending forward and hurting. Even though I've gone through this a few times now, I still ignored that I was in pain so much that I had to change my pattern of doing things. I'm stubborn what can I say!
That night when I crawled into bed, my chest hurt to lay on my side. When I woke up, I new I was in trouble when simply walking down the stairs made my heart really hurt. I found myself holding onto my chest as I jostled my way down to the kitchen. I can't believe my good luck, but one of the top cardiologists in the city is one of my new clients and I was just so happening to give him a massage that morning (yesterday). He told me what he thought, but then again he hasn't seen my charts. I made some laughs about girly stuff like, "Crap! I don't want to go back on steroids. I am just starting to lose this weight. I don't want a moon face again!"
I left there and phoned my cardio, who was and is on-call all weekend. He put me back on steroids and it took until this morning for me to take in a deep breath with no pain, but I can now say, I am pain free again.
This sucks for many reasons. One, is that my inflammation punched through the anti-inflammatories that are non-steroidal. This is not good because for Two, inflammation around the lining of the heart can cause the lining to thicken which leads to a surgery that sounds straight out of a horror film to me. The surgeon would peel/scrap the lining away so that it is thinner. No thank you. Third, I might have to be on a low dose of steroids for a while. Four, I don't want a moon face anymore, and I was really liking the beginning of being able to see my damn cheeck bones again.

The good news, is I knew what to look for and jumped on it. And I am not going to have another full blown attack. The other news, is that I am switching to one of the top cardio's in the United States, and will be in good hands. Not that I wasn't before. But at least we can get to the bottom of this and I can relax knowing that I am in good hands. No more, "well this is where art and medicine come together." Hopefully my new cardio, can talk to other good cardio's in the US and figure it out.

Signed,

Pissed off on a sunny day in Seattle

In my dreams

Last night, as I slept, I thought about the title of my blog. Heathers journey to health. Mmmm...

Finally, I feel like I AM this tangible road. This past year, I was on it, but there were obstacles at every bend. Like the road out to Hana, on Maui. Over 200 bends, and curves, but along the way waterfalls and sacred places to clear the heart and soul. This year has been full of this. I made it.

I am not sure why I feel like I am now "really" on the road to healing. But maybe its because I notice my body coming to life again. I see my nails growing, my heart opening further, the tiger in my starting to fluff its main and feel the growl (speaking of, I need to do more of this), and I get to call my ND next week and start the cleansing procedure. I get to take trips away, see friends, walk up hills and not feel like I am an old woman gasping for air.

The road to health, to healing, is much longer than I thought. Just like Hana. Next time I go there, I am flying past all the bends and curves, to get to my favorite spots. And I am ready to let this past year, be in the past. Phew! She says with tears.

Another thing I love, is that I get to hold other sisters hands, all strangers linked by a common thread. A friend said to me yesterday that I should do rituals for other woman when they are done. Or help them with creating their unique way of moving forward. I like this idea. Life is so expansive and open. Ceaseless, endless opportunities to grow, to love, and to usher others. I feel blessed to be on this road.

Not sleeping

I have slept maybe a total of 30 minutes tonight. I have been on lots of steroids and with the pain I have been in, I am wide awake. At 2:30 they finally dosed me with lot of IB proferuen. THey think the cathader is poking my heart or somewhere in there and causing me pain. Its hard to tell whats going on with your guts. I would have never thought I had as much water in my lung as I have, and I honestly would have not imagined any water around my heart. So, I am wide awake getting OBAMAED up.
I called Gen, since she is 3 hours ahead. The IBproferuen helped take the low grade pain to the curb so now I am just up on steroids. I'd have them give me a sleeping pill, but once I realized what was happening to me, it is now the time for everyone to start making their rounds. So I just ordered a small breakfast and maybe that will help me get sleepy.
I am hoping they pull the liquid off my left lung today. Since they keep saying both lungs have about the same amount, and now that I know how much was in the right side. I want the left side tapped so that it can heal quicker. But I don't know the protocol with doing both and the heart within a few days of one another.
I can feel my body besides all this doing better. My blood counts are getting higher and that makes me happy. Soon, this will be a distant memory all you Survivors say. I can't wait. Yesterday I had a few dear friends stop by. Margie, Lea, Sarah, George, and D stopped by after work. They kept me company and helped talk me into a nice sleep. It reminded me of when I first was on AC and Gen was in town taking care of me. I'd have her just talk, and talk she would. She would tell me every story and thought under the sun until I fell asleep.
I'll write more later in the day. Once whatever is going to happen happens. I doubt I will go home today because I still cannot stand up and walk a few steps to the bathroom, use it and walk back, lay down without being in such pain that I need fentanyl. So well see..

Laying in bed with my new world

As I am coming to the end of my miserable chemo treatment so many things rush through my mind. Like I remember when I hadn't started chemo yet, and I was listening to a select few women and their chemo stories. I luckily told myself to stop comparing my possible journey with theirs. Luckily I did that. Because this has been hell. I will never mince words with that. From the cellulitis to the weeks in bed because I had to be in bed because I've been so sick, there is no playing nice guy with my experience. The depth of pain and agony I've gone through has stripped away any old part of me that wasn't compassionate. I have such a renewed, almost child like innocence of wanting to help and be there for women who are fighting for their lives. That is what I have been doing the past six months.
If I hadn't done this, I would have surely died as being a Triple Negative and the aggressiveness of this particular breast cancer is tenacious. So yes, I have been fighting to live and that is what has made this worth it. Would I do it again. Probably not. I have been dreaming of the day of just being in Maui with friends and giggling on the beach. Its been a long time, since I have felt like truely giggling. Laughing. I laugh now a days, but its always with a twinge of disgust of sickness that is lingering.
The depth of sadness is outrageous. I have had to push aside the sadness on many levels just to be able to deal. Knowing full well that it will need to be brought into the center of the room when I am done with all this treatment. I think that is why I cry so often throughout the day. Because I simply cannot address its complete source and depth and so I have spurts of it slide down my checks. I opened a book that my friend Deena brought me the other day called, the victoria secrets catalog never stops coming and other lessons I learned from breast cancer. I devoured it in a day, and cried and bawled the whole time. There are so many cancer books out there, but to read a book with similar views as I have hit my heart, with a powerful punch.
Since the beginning of all this, and my main reason I've been blogging is to help me post treatment and heal myself by writing a book. My book, I want it to be deep. I want it to have funny things in it like, 1. make sure your accupuncturist cleans your skin before sticking a needle in your arm-so that you don't get cellulitis. A list of things to watch for. A list of cures and a list of things I liked to eat. By far, the most palatable meal is egg on toast. Luckily chemo never made me sick of it. Now when I am all done, who knows.
I am still numb. I know I only have a few weeks of not feeling good left, and perhaps just one more week. But I can't quite think of all the things in the book because I'm still getting through it.
One thing I've learned is that even in the loneliness of being with oneself in one's agony, its easier to pick up the phone and cry to someone and allow someone to see my vulnerability than pretend I can take care of it alone. Its hard being a woman and needing to receive, actually being forced to accept food, accept a book, accept a hug, accept tender words, accept a hat, accept anything without giving something back. I have learned through this acceptance to love myself deeper and to open myself up to love in such a profound way. I have more limits now. Where as before I'd lived my life for others, I now have spent six months thinking of basically myself. And that is a good thing now. Whereas before, I would've cringed with the though and I would have never said it out loud.

What a difference

I hate to say it so early in the day, so I'll knock on some virtual wood, but today is a good day. I feel good, and my little hummingbird is waking from hibernation. She isn't buzzing yet, but at least the tears I cried yesterday just because I never thought I'd feel her again, are not needing to be shed again today. I woke up and ate some breakfast. I even had the energy to make it myself, and then I drove to my realty office and did a bunch of work.
I am home now just about to eat a potato and some broccoli for lunch. I have to be careful eating too much of the same thing because then I get sick of it and it makes me want to puke. I've been eating lots of broccoli and brussel sprouts lately, and potatoes but I am beginning to not like them. I think today will be the last day to eat them.
I am wearing my new clothes. Ones that aren't tight around the mid-section, arms, or legs. I feel pretty. A feeling I haven't really allowed myself to indulge in the past few months. Its funny how my inner spirit feels one way and then I look in the mirror, and see a totally different person. I guess this is how my Nana might feel.

Picking up the leaves

Today was a big day, and this will be a long post. Where to start?

I was on the island today and during the massage I was giving I felt my athlete in me. Doing massage, I always have felt her. As, occasionally I (unbeknownst to my clients~now you guys know) I put myself into a yoga posture to stretch as I am doing massage moves. What happened to me when I got diagnosed was that my life imploded. I let go of everything as everything, and I mean everything fell apart and to the side. All that I had ever thought I'd known, disintegrated. Even my athlete. Although I have called on her during my treatment, I haven't connected with her yet.

I think I have to start with yesterday before I go further. Yesterday, as I watched Ellen Degeneres ( I am now a TV holic that loves, and I mean loves all these TV shows, so funny to me) so as I watched her, I got up as I was feeling well enough to do exercises for the first time since I was diagnosed, in a serious way. Every commercial I did lunges, squats, calf raises, tricep dips, and crunches. I felt great doing it and but I didn't say hi to my athlete. I just did the exercises.

Fast forward to today, my calf's were a little sore and I felt supported by my body, by my athlete. Back again, during the massage, I looked in the mirror as I was doing a massage stroke, and said hi to her. And in that moment, I realized how far from her I was. I checked in with myself, and there was the base emotion of anger. But when I looked closer, I was angry that she, the athlete had forsaken me. I mean hell, I have exercised religiously my whole life. She let me down. She let me have cancer. She, oh, the tears started. Not heavy, as I was working, and this all happened in a matter of probably two minutes. But it was deep. I realized that I had to forgive her. I had to forgive my athlete/my body for giving up. For not fighting off that fucking cancer. And in this forgiveness, of really myself, I had to recognize on a deep level that she wasn't at fault. But that I had been pissed and disappointed in her efforts. I had been let down and that we needed to come back together. I needed to forgive her. So, during that massage I welcomed myself back to my athlete/my body.

I told her that I am ready to do those yoga postures again, and to feel my body again, and to risk loving my body again. Risk, thinking and ultimately believing that if I love my body by exercising I will live a longer healthier life.

I was ready to feel again. So, through the few eyelashes I have the tears got heavy, and I wiped them away and I was whole. I went for a three mile walk today around the Burton Loop. There is a flat stretch along the way, and my athlete in me said, "Why don't you run that half mile, Heather." So I did. I felt my lungs rise and fill with air, and felt my body get warm again. I was in touch with my breath. I was and am, alive. I caught the cancer as early as I could. My life is in the hands of what I agreed to as I entered this body. I am learning from all of this. I am growing and learning to love myself in a deeper way. And that is all I can say.

I am ready to start doing yoga again, and start feeling my body again. I am no longer afraid of her. I am no longer angry with her. And I am no longer disappointed in her.

Bag Lady

Okay, sorry I took a few days off. I admittedly have been slammed with real estate and absolutely loving it. Yeah know, when I got diagnosed my life fell apart. It had to. I had to spend weeks on the coach in shock, unable to move. I had to spend time reading everything I could get my hands on about breast cancer and I needed to do this. It empowered me. The pain of family members calling and not understanding and feeling free to judge and ask me why, I wasn't happier, ect...still is painful. I felt so misunderstood in a time that I needed to just be held. The compassionate person in me can and does understand that they are just people, trying to connect the best they can. But my heart has a ways to go with understanding their questions.
I remember when I was afraid of everything in the beginning. Even questioning and being met with no real answers from my doctors about the simplest life things. After my surgery will I be able to carry heavy grocery bags? Will this cause lymphadema? Yesterday, as I left the grocery store I decided to test this for the first time. The once unconscious act of carrying multiple bags in my right and left arms. Well, yesterday I carried two heavy bags with that right arm. I thought to myself, "wow, I am doing it. It doesn't cause any discomfort. I think its safe." That is how my life feels again. I think its safe to be Heather again.
A friend Anna from Vashon made a collague for me. Its a beautiful yellow flower that has shattered glass swirled in a beautiful pattern around its budding flower. This is how my life has and still feels. I was that beautiful radiant flower that gleamed all that I am. And then, cancer came into my life. It shattered the mirror of my life into a million pieces and it was up to me to get them into a beautiful pattern. As I was not going to let cancer make an ugly pattern of my life. So for the past few months I alone, have taken each piece of my shattered life and begun putting it into a beautiful mosaic again. I cannot put the mirror back the way it was. That is impossible, and I don't want to. I want to see all the ways that life isn't perfect and see the beauty in it.
In fact, I am starting to feel empowered again. So, to the people that thought I was being destructive, or that I should be working faster than I was able to, or that I was not "doing" to their unknown (because they have never had cancer, nor had to face their mortality, at a young age) standards, I AM BACK. THE WAY YOU WANTED ME. BUT ON MY TERMS. AND ON MY CLOCK. I am so proud of the way I have gone through this and frankly, I made it. I feel good. Cancer isn't just about facing treatment and making it. Its about facing my life, and facing mortality and being brave to know that noone can tell me if I am going to make it 100% and thats the real truth, not to mention what I had to go through with the whole fertility thing.
So, Heather is trickling back into my blood. I am back tentatively attacking real estate again. I actually am enjoying it tremendously. My office rocks. I love going there and have such support from my family there. From the beginning. Support that hasn't gone away with time.
I still have about five months to go. But I am starting to learn to live with my cancer treatment and all the unknowns. I don't get to know if my cancer counts are going down during this, I just get to have faith that they are. I will get to wait until January to know if I am in fact in remission and that I am living cancer free. So for today, I get to go forward with a beautiful sunny day and I get four more good days until my last AC. I am not looking forward to feeling sick again, and having my soul sucked from my veins. I get to just hope that Taxol is easier and that it gives me a few good days in between the treatments. I am scared that I won't. Changing to weekly chemo treatments brings a bit of anxiety to me. But at least I am now carrying grocery bags and going for bike rides.

A bright Sunny Day

Seattle weather. The word that I could use to describe it in a positive light would be gloomy. What was with the almost tornado that hovered over Lake Washington the other day. Seattle? Despite this, I started feeling like my little Tigger self yesterday and D had to slow the little hummingbird down a few times. I get so excited now that I am feeling good that I get overwhelmed and start talking at lightening speed about things. If you could imagine. My life is kindof like my tongue.
People say that you can check out someone's tongue and see how healthy/unhealthy they are and I am starting to be a believer in that. When I do chemo, my life shuts down and so does my taste buds. They happen about the same day. Shit, even my eyes become blurry and I cannot see the TV or read for days. Can you imagine anything worse? I feel like crap, everything hurts, your mind is numb, you can't think, you can't remember where the toothpaste is and water starts tasting like poison? Awesome time! I mean, give me more.
I am laughing and I am joking, because I have exactly one week to do so. Laughing and joking is going to help me through this and you all get to remind me that I will soon feel better and the hell I went/going through is passing. So yes, the grey skies of the PNW are just like my taste buds.
But the good thing, is that I am drinking some delicious vanilla roobios tea right now and it finally tastes the way its supposed to and my heart feels like exploding with love again. What happens to the joy during chemo? What happens to my spirit? Where does it go? It feels like a grey cloud is injected into my port (my skin actually turns an ashen/grey colour during the chemo injection) and for a week "Heather" disappears. I have no control over that, nor do I have the energy to try to go and find her. She just goes away, far away and I feel like I am left with a shell of who I am. What animal do I transcend into? Let me think. A snail, with no shell. A...leaf that is at the end stage of rotting on the forest floor in early March? Yes, a leaf in March. That is what I feel like.
So today, is a good day. The little kid in me wants to sing lots of songs and happy songs at that. I want to look at all the blades of grass outside as if its the first time ever and ask "Why" a lot. I feel reborn and happy I have one FULL week of bliss ahead of me. One of my favorite bands is playing at Bumbershoot Saturday night, Band of Horses and I am looking forward to having the energy to trawl around like a salmon in the sea of people all day and night this Saturday with D. It will be fun.

Raspberries

Yesterday, I got a pint of fresh local organic raspberries. I had read everywhere that I wasn't supposed to eat raw fruit and veggies and my doctor said that was balony. At least right now while my WB's are good. He told me to eat whatever I was hungry for. I asked him about one of my favorite, raspberries and he said sure. So, I am rinsing everything and have been enjoying eating whatever that I want. Until yesterday that is. I ate about 1/4 of the pint and gave up because they just didn't taste that great. In fact they were tasteless, they smelled good. I left them out on the counter for D to eat. Sure enough, he came around and ate them and said they were the best berries he'd had all summer. What? I didn't think, I mean would you, that my taste buds were gone? My tongue did feel coarser and yes, I got mouth sores the very first day (even with impeccable mouth rinsing after I ate-every single time~my skin basically just came off the first day, I know gross, but this blog is in detail) but I still have always been able to taste everything. I just couldn't believe it. The next thing that I noticed was our water. We just got a new fridge and D and I drank from it yesterday, as the water was filtered really well and tasted excellent. Well today, that was yesterday now, I can't drink water anymore. It suddenly tasted like plastic, so that is why I really wanted to go get those 10G jugs of freshly filtered water yesterday. I got home with that water, same thing. Some chemo patients say they have a metal taste in their mouths, and I am familiar with this taste due to the scans and injections with them. And this is why I was taken by surprise yesterday. I don't have that taste in my mouth. Yes, I am in a lot of pain in my mouth~and it doesn't really bother me because its the least of body symptoms right now, usually a little sore in my mouth would kill me, and last night they did keep me up a bit, but generally not a big deal. BUT plastic, tasteless fresh raspberries, plastic water. Luckily we have a lot of fresh mint here around the house so I put it in the water. D tasted it a few times for me throughout the day, as even with a huge sprig of mint in my glasses, the water still tasted lifeless.
I wanted to share my thoughts on losing my hair. For those of you that remember me pre-cancer I had gotten my hair so long, and just were I wanted it, finally. I was really, really sad to lose my hair. If you haven't read the hair posts, you may want to go back and recap, as I am not going to again. So, my hair is now in a pixie cut, and it took me a week of feeling the symbolism of losing everything in my life right now, to get over it. I love it now. All this week, I keep running my fingers through my hair, just waiting for the day that clumps start coming out. I kind of tug on my little short strips of hair between my fingers to see if they are coming out any easier, and to my delight they are holding firm. I am ready for my hair to come out though.
As ready as one can be. I am sure the emotional response to having a bald head will be deflating and sad, or maybe it won't be. There is absolutely no way for me to know how I will feel and what feelings will be evoked from the ritual shaving. Or from the looks I will get, you know the young precious kids that can't help but say something. My mom was a very large lady, and I got used to those remarks or the insensitivity of people "trying" to say or do the right thing my entire life. So, maybe I will be okay and used to it. There is also no way of saying this for me other than just bluntly, and those of you that know me, know I am NOT an ego maniac, but I know that I was blessed with a beautiful face and body in this life. I have never personally had anyone discriminate against me because of the way I look. Ever. If anything, my life is much easier because of my looks, and I have always known that. So, this will be my challenge that I am wanting to experience, and am actually excited for the growth. There may be days, that I write in this blog about how hard it is not having hair. And you all will have to understand, that I will be processing this growth as a person. So, this I am looking forward to.
I do not want to wear a damn wig. The wig is for everyone else. I HAVE CANCER. I am undergoing a debilitating treatment and everything in my life is gone, except for the love of my family and friends~which on a side note is incredible. The love that grows between a husband and wife through the trails of life-and living together is absolutely a great reason to sleep with one person for the rest of your life. So, yes, we all know I have cancer, and the wig is for everyone else. It is a costume that I am unwilling to act the part. I love more than life itself going to festivals and dressing up in various costumes and morphing into aspects of my spirit that I can explore. I am unwilling, thank god I've been in counseling since the age of 5~smirking again, to not wear a fucking wig. I am going to embrace this and I am going to go bald. I am going to have sunscreen, don't worry to all of you that are my mom's out there, and wear hats, pretty scarffs, and I am going to rock my electric blue wig if D and I go out on the town. For fun. I won't wear my blue eyelashes, because they say I can't, I might get an eye infection. But, I will have fun, or not and that is okay.

A perfect summer day

One of my all time favorite movies is on right now, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I couldn't sleep last night. The fact that I can't sleep anymore is so foreign to me. I could go to sleep at 9 or even 8 in the evening and wake up at 6 or 7 the next day, everyday of my life. I have never ever had trouble sleeping. I also never used to not be able to control my mind. Last night was one of those nights. I literally was loosing my mind over everything. I called my friend Gen close to 1 a.m. I knew she'd answer her phone and I also knew she could calm me down. I am anxious about starting chemo. I feel so much pressure to not have any side effects. When I first got diagnosed so many people said they knew people that it didn't effect them at all. At that time, I didn't realize there were different kinds of chemo and different treatments. Now that I have walked in the cancer shoes for almost 7 weeks now, I would say that 90 % of the women I have talked with that did AC got pretty darn sick. I am really nervous about this. I could breeze through this and just need to sleep a lot, or worst case scenario I would be staying in the hospital.
The vast experiences do not bring comfort to me. Sure, those that say attitude made it be a positive experience for them, are also the ones that breezed through it. Is that again just a coping mechanism we have? Attitude doesn't change much, other than I can smile as I go through everything. My mom taught me this as I watched her journey for close to nine years after she had her stroke. My aunts and my siblings, we would choose to laugh with my mom, or we would cry. So, sure, attitude does make things better. The other thing I have found so confusing is that EVERYONE that mentions (usually those of you that do not have cancer) that they have spoke to people that went through chemo #5 was the worst, or #1 was the worst, or #? whatever. You get the idea. What this shows me is that it is my body's chemistry that is going to present to ME, MY process through this. MY body's ability to cope with the chemo and radiation is unknown to everyone, including my Oncologist. He more than anyone, and D is a close second, is just saying we'll have to see. So, last night I couldn't sleep. This whole process is teaching me so much, and one of those lessons is simply not being able to plan. I mean, how could you plan for something like this? Either I just sleep a lot, or I could be walking on the 12th floor of Swedish hospital a few weeks a month. There are too many possibilites. There is one thing for certain, next week at this time we all will know!
On a very fun note, today D and I went out on our friends Todd and Kim's boat. We got lots of sun and I got to have one more summer day before this all starts!

Where have the hummingbirds gone?

My hair is cut and I'm not okay with it.  Please don't tell me its okay.  It is not.  It isn't about the hair and it is not about how people will perceive me.  I could careless if I am beautiful or not.  My body is what it is.  End of story on that.  I am pissed because this isn't the hair cut I wanted. I didn't want to have short hair.  I wanted to have long hair.  This may seem ridiculous to some. D hit the nail on the head when he said, "It just isn't the hair cut you wanted."  For me the sadness is because I have so many things being taken from me right now.  I do not have a choice.  

The west seattle street fair is this weekend.  Walking around up there is horrible.  I remember last year, how I felt at this little street fair.  I know that my usual little hummingbird self is happy and cheerful.  I just don't feel that way.  I feel like my spirit was crushed.  And THIS is what I am sad about.  I feel broken.  I don't feel sorry for myself.  I don't wish something was different.  I don't wish anything.  That is the problem.  I don't feel empowered.  I just feel blah.  I feel like my eternal fountain of happiness and cheer and ability to see the bright side of any situation as stopped flowing.  I worry that it won't come back.  I worry that D can feel this gloominess and I wonder if he will stop being attracted to me.  Not because of my hair, but because the spirit of the woman he married has changed. Has it changed forever, who knows.  I am scared of the depths of sadness and shock I am in.  

It could be a torrential downpour outside and that would be fine.  Even that is horrible.  I used to love summer.  I need to pull my head out of the self-deprecating, but its hard.  Because there is no normal to go back to.  Normal doesn't exist anymore.  Normal life is gone.  I am in a transition, but one that just realized I am in transition.  My little car light just flashed, need oil.  I still need to go to the store and get the oil (chemo) and then put it in and then hopefully that is all the car needed and I can start racing around town again.  

Not a pocket full of posies

I am pissed this morning.  As I lay in bed under my fuzzy flannel sheets, I started thinking about breast feeding.  I have to.  Just incase you guys didn't get this earlier, I have wanted to be a mom badly, I mean badly my whole life.  When I was a little girl I babysat for anyone in my neighborhood.  My doll collection that I still have were my little babies and I often would pretend I was breast feeding them right along my mother's side, as she fed my brother. 

Thoughts came to my head as I was under the sheets and I started getting so mad.  I understand that anger is a base emotion, and I understand that it is my sadness that is fueling it right now.  But if that gene comes back positive and I choose out of sheer statistics to remove my breasts (which is the no brainer choice for MY body, maybe not yours but for mine) and  I don't get a chance to nurture a young one in this way, oh.  Watch out.  I am going to loose my mind.  I mean it, loose it.  All the things that I have read for years will no longer be possible for me.

I won't be able to give birth and put my baby to my breast and feed the little tiger.  I won't be able to feel the benefits of oxytocin being released through my body and getting the baby high from nursing.  I won't be able to walk around with a pad in my bra because of the "let down" reaction.  I won't feel a "let down".  I won't be in the kitchen making muffins and hear my baby cry and have my breast start pumping that milk.  I won't have the accidental let down in public if I hear another baby cry.  Do you wonder if I really meant it now when I say, " All I've thought about is having a baby."  I could be crying over nothing, maybe I won't have that gene.  I hope the Genetic Counselor is right this time around, and the other Doc's are wrong.  That would be nice.  I wonder if I will be able to breast feed with the breast that has cancer in it if I just do the lumpectomy?  That sounds like from my ignorance a bad thing.  Like a dirty thing that I wouldn't want my precious little one to be near.  My breast that had cancer in it.  Would there be a transfer of any little particles in the tiniest amount at all??  Not that this is shrouding in the tiniest amount my decision to either do or not do a mastectomy.  Because right now I haven't been faced with the genetic answers yet.  

As I take in a deep breath, I am breathing in the sun's rays deep into my body and breathing out all this sadness and I am going to go through my day staying in the present moment.  All of these fears can stay here.  In Wonka Land, up in the " TV Mikey" room of space in the sky.  For those of you that haven't watched Willy Wonka as obsessively as I have in my life (maybe 200 times) you have a fun movie to watch tonight!    

Deal or No Deal Seriously

Met with the Surgeon today.  He helped calm me down with a few key questions and statistics.  I asked how soon after I get my mastectomy can I get my reconstruction done.  He said, "What is your goal?"  I said, "To Live."  Well then, if your goal is to live and if you were my daughter I would suggest not waiting for the whole process of getting reconstructive surgery, (its a whole process, unlike fake boobs) and start with your treatment.  I am wanting to give myself the best odds, and that is to kill this cancer as soon as I can.  He said because I am thin, reconstructive surgery is going to be a bit of a challenge.  I will have to cross that bridge when I come to that.  

He told me that Since I am so Young and Since its a Triple Negative I have (D and I again remember different numbers here, funny what stress does to our brains, we need to remember to bring a tape recorder) a 10-30% chance of me developing breast cancer a second time if I do a Lumpectomy.  I quoted the first surgeon's statement, "There is 30 years of research showing there is no difference in survival rates if I get a lumpectomy vs. a mastectomy."  He said that he disagrees with that as it really boils down to A Quality Of Life issue.  If I want to have the lumpectomy and risk getting it back and fighting this thing again I gave you my chances above. If I get a mastectomy I have a 1 % chance of getting cancer again.  

This is a no brainer, I am taking the deal of Mastectomy.  If my cancer was one of the other 3 that feed on things that they know about and if they could give me whatever drug to decrease my chances of getting it again, I would take that Lumpectomy.  But I am not going to risk this again.  If two months ago, someone said, "If you go down this road you have a 10-30% chance of getting it, heck even a 10% chance of getting breast cancer, and if you go down this road you have a 1% chance."  What road would you choose?  I choose to stick to the road that is going to insure my life for the next 55 years.  I am so young, and there is so much ahead of me that I have a larger amount of time that this could come back vs. a woman getting this in her 50's.  

Hard questions that I can only answer.  I am the one who will have quality of life issues, dealing with the pain of tighter tissue and restricted movement due to this surgery.  And if I go under, and they do find more and the tumor is bigger and more nodes are involved than expected, I would be getting the mastectomy anyways.  My Oncologist is going to call me tonight and talk with me about all of this.  I am interested to hear what he thinks.  Can you believe I am getting to deal with this?  Amazing.  The Why's are all around and I am ignoring them.    

++

Okay I just spoke with my Surgeon.  It is a 10 % recurrence rate for the lumpectomy without the gene bit.  Those numbers are high, much higher and I could be freaking out over nothing and warping my brain about things that will not matter.  But I need to weigh this all, and need to decide before surgery.  If I do the lumpectomy or the mastectomy either way I am going to be watched like a hawk for the next 5 years or so.  If a second cancer does appear they will catch it very early and then off with that boob!  What my surgeon did say is that he is concerned that I am under the age of 35 and that it is a Triple Negative.  

I have a question for my Oncologist now since he works closely with young woman with Triple Negative.  What I need to know is from that 10% (guys I got a D in Alegbra 2 with a tutor) you get the four sub-groups, the feeders on Progesterone, Estrogene, Her2Nu, and my lucky devil Triple Negative.  What are the rates of recurrence with women UNDER 35 and that have the Triple Negative?  Are we 75% of that 10%?  Phew...Right now I am leaning towards the lumpectomy.

If I get the lumpectomy and during surgery if they find more nodes than one that is cancerous the Surgeon said it does not changed my recurrence rate.  It isn't higher.  This is why I do Chemo and radiation.  The lumpectomy will allow me to be a better athlete, a massage therapist, and allow me to be closer to the person I am now.  I love to go snowboarding, ect.. Although I am not sure if I will be able to do that, if I fall will it cause me to have lifetime lymphadema?  I asked the Surgeon how will he know if he got all the cancerous nodes out, he said that he wouldn't know for sure, and this is again why I do chemo and radiation.  Another interesting thing he said is choosing a mastectomy gives me control with what I can have control with.  It is bringing my recurrence rate down to 1%.

 

All too fast and painful

Have any of you watched Deal or No Deal?  If not, it's a game show that people have the chance to try to win a million dollars.  I like to watch this show because right before your eyes you get to see someone forgo a whopping $200,000- $300,000 in hope that they get the million bucks. I am always screaming at the TV, "Take the Deal!!"  Seriously, they walk in with zero bucks and they could walk out with a nice little chunk.  I am not that much of a risk taker.

I am a risk taker that likes to jump off of bridges into a known natural swimming pool.  This "known" is the key.  I wouldn't do that if other people hadn't, and the older I get these risks are getting fewer and farer between.  This is the exact thing we, D and I are dealing with this morning. Fertility.  As most of you know, D has been trying to figure out if he wants to have kids and with all of this he has moved to a closer place of possibly wanting them.  I totally respect his decision either way. I have to.  I am not one of those woman that would poke a whole in a condom and say, "oops."  So today we got a call from the fertility nurse.  We, D and I didn't know that there are two types of freezing eggs/sperm.  In fact I didn't know the sperm was even an option.  D is supportive of me freezing my eggs, if I feel that I have to do that.  It's my body.

He is just not into freezing our embryo's, at least in the, "right now you have to decide because we have to move on this as my cancer treatment has to move forward, right now."  This is the deal.  My Oncologist says that some of the women my age return from Menopause, if the chemo forces them into it.  D's point is that this is all IF's.  IF I go into menopause, if I don't go out of menopause, and if, if.  This is all too much, too soon for him.  A month ago he was dead set on not wanting kids, with the not for sure still being tossed around.  Now, he realizes that he may and so he has to decide now.  Now if he wants to risk not getting to have a biological son/daughter with me, if I am unable to due to my treatments.  My Dad says just pull back, just freeze your eggs.  If I just freeze my eggs it is a 20% chance that they will be able to make an embryo when we are ready.  Since eggs are so fragile, this is not the greatest of odds.  If we freeze an embryo the chances go to 60% that we would be successful, they aren't as fragile.  This just sucks.  I need to be focusing on getting well and not on wether or not I am going to be able to have kids in the future.  It is so much all at once.  I have a call into the Oncologist.  We need the stats.  

D is a numbers guy and we need to know, do all the young woman my Doc works with go out of menopause/return to normal? If so, then are we worrying over nothing?  But if there are woman that don't return to normal, then I will just be freezing my eggs, and not our embryo.  D said, it is just wrong, just not natural.  My point is that none of this is natural.  If I wasn't going to do the super science of Chemo (very unnatural) I would probably be dead in the next few years. We are all dealing with this news of my having cancer the best we can and as fast we can, and dealing with all the unknown's the best we can.    There is only so much both D and I can move through in a matter of a week.  

Last night on Oprah an incredilbe man said that roadblocks aren't for stopping us, they are put in our lives to help us see how much we want something.  This is one of those times.  

++++++++

I just got back from the gym.  While I was on the treadmill my athlete rose inside me again, and shared this story with me.  Even though I fell overboard in a huge stormy sea, the team (you guys and D) threw me a dingy.  Right now I am swimming towards that dingy and getting hit in the face and gulping air and fighting for my life, fighting to get to that damn dingy.  I know I am going to make it and I know that I am going to paddle to the big boat with all of my loved ones. While I am getting back to all of you, and D, you're going to be cheering me on, and wiping the tears off my face.   But I am the one who is in the Sea and Dingy named Breast Cancer.  I am the only one that is going to be a Survivor and if all I have once I get on board is that 20% to have kids, I am going to take it.  So, regardless I've decided to get my eggs frozen.  The embryo thing is intense.  D even said, "I'm surprised you want to do it."  Funny how when your are faced with severe options our choices become at times wider than we'd ever imagined.  And D isn't in the sea with me, and if I go to his side of things I do totally understand how "icky" or "wrong" freezing our unborn, pre-fetus, embryo's this option is.  

So, I've got that 20% and I am going to take it because that is what I have to do.  End of story.  I am not going to let cancer potentially take what I value the most in life.  I refuse.  I am going and will be a mother someday.  I want nothing more.  Nothing more.

++++++

I've been waiting to post this to my blog till I talk to my doctor, he should call sometime this evening.  I spoke with a young survivor today, who got breast cancer when she was 30.  Funny how she was sent my way today because she is one of those woman that didn't go back from menopause.  She wasn't able to freeze eggs, and later in her life, she met the man of her dreams and got married and they adopted a little girl.  She made a few good points to me, points that in my franticness of the moment tried overlooking.  One of the main points is this, to be able to do the egg retrieval they need to wait till my second day of my next moon.  Which I just finished, so I am out for a month already.  At which point they will give me estrogen or progesterone or both, I can't remember right now.  For two to three weeks I am on those med's and then they can start doing the egg retrieval.  So this whole fertility trying to get my egg thing is pushing my VERY needed cancer treatment out for about two months.  This is what does not sound good to me. 

The other point she made is that cancer feeds off of something.  Like I said in earlier posts. My Triple Negative feeds off of something they just don't know what.  If my body is pumped full of these hormones, which cancer usually feeds on am I increasing my chances of giving my cancer a party?  A party that wants to go visit all of its neighbors, like my ovaries?  No Doctor is going to be able to say yes or no to this.  There is not enough information about Triple Negative yet.  

My new cancer survivor friend also said, " You have to remember, you are the most important thing right now.  Getting you cancer free as soon as possible.  Getting you healthy."  I cannot agree with her more.  Since I have such an aggressive form of cancer, is it worth waiting?  What if my fight is super hard, super super hard.  What if in the back of my mind did we wish that I hadn't waited to start treatment.  We know it is in my lymph node(s) so speed is important, right.  Get it done.  Like yesterday!  Or am I just trying to talk myself out of this?  The woman I spoke with today also said a great thing," Don't you want to know what your chances are when you do beat this, for you to be able to conceive a baby naturally?"  The other thing is if we wait 3 weeks to get the genetic tests back, and If (oh, the freakin' if's) I am positive for one of the whopper's do I want to inflict that 50-60% chance on my kids of them getting breast cancer?  That is something I do not even for a second have to think about that is a no.  

So, I am left, waiting for my Oncologist to call and spew this all out to him.  He will wait and do whatever I want.  This is my game I am playing.  My Deal or No Deal.  If I didn't want Chemo, he would say okay.  But I do want chemo and I do want my own kids, but this waiting to be treated thing is also something I do not want to do.  There is too much empty time filling up and allowing my precious healthy cells in my body to be sabotaged by those evil little sick cancer cells.  I am exhausted, yes.  I feel like today was the worst day I've had except the day I found out I have breast cancer.  I am playing God, and I am asking my husband to play God too. It is so wrong.  I am starting to look at this whole thing as, look this is in the hands of something greater than I.  If I am meant to have my own kids, I will be able to snap out of the Menopause and have my own kids.  If not, I have friends that adopted two beautiful little girls and I know they couldn't be more loved or love than they do.  I think I've come to my answer.  I'll wait to talk to my Doctor.

++

My Doctor just called. He said one thing that just put it all to rest, if one of you doesn't want to do it, move forward.  

He also told me that no one is going to treat me with this fertility thing until we have my pathology.  We won't get this until surgery, and then we will have to wait a week or so to get my results.  If the cancer has moved to many nodes and if its a super nasty tumor, he very well may suggest that we not delay treatment.  Which couldn't start until I heal from my surgery.  If its just in a node and not a nasty tumor than he said he may say I have the six weeks it will take to get my eggs.  He also said that there are no stats available, and if someone tries to tell me otherwise they are simply not true.  There is absolutely no way to have stats that prove if someone hadn't delayed treatment six weeks if their outcome was better or if the hormones they pumped me with did anything to the cancer.  

He told me to wait until after surgery and we will all know more then.  I did ask him what my chances of being able to bear my own kids when done with chemo, not great.  They are 40 to 50%.  Chemotherapy is so toxic.  Crazy, thanks for going through this with me.  Today was the worst day, maybe more than getting cancer.  I have officially had the most precious thing for me possibly being taken from me.  

  

Don't make that face..

When I was a kid, one of my favorite books was about this kid that used to make the most horrid faces imaginable.  But one day, much like today (as its terribly windy here) the wind changed and his face wasn't able to change back to normal.  I kind of felt like that today.  

D said a very sweet thing to me this morning, after my sister left.  He said, " I want our old lives back."  Simple.  Cutting.  Sweet, and Painful. " Yeah, maybe in a year," I said.  I think both of us know that our lives will never be the same.  I felt the life in me fill my heart today so I got dressed and went to my office and finished some paperwork on a few of the houses I'd just sold.  Walking into my office I got a hug from everyone and tried to not to cry.  Looking and listening to everyone working hard on their houses, I felt a little jealous.  I just cannot believe that I am on hold.  I'm on hold because despite what most people think, Realtors work their butts off and it is an incredibly stressful job.  A job that I knew I wouldn't be able to give my 110% to. 

I got to do my first massage today since we got the news.  I like to think of my massage practice as my walking mediation practice.  It felt so good to focus on someone else's body for a while.  A body that is in good health, a body that is working the way it should.  How is it that none of my Doctors found this lump in the past few years, or in my last exam four months ago?How is it that I was overlooked?  My Oncologist says its because most Doctors will never see cancer in younger woman in their entire careers, so they don't think out of the box when doing exams.  They just don't think its possible.

I got a manicure today.  The ladies all know my name, as I walk in they say, "Hello, Heather."  They asked me how I was, and I explained that I had breast cancer.  I told her I was 33, and she said, "Me too."  Quickly, they bantered back and forth and she explained to them all, in another language, one that I don't know, that I had breast cancer.  I told them next time I see them, I might not have hair.  How crazy is that.  "Your hair is so beautiful, are you sad?"  

I am sad, and sure my ego is sad and threatened that it will loose these locks.  Will I just go bald? Maybe I'll wear a scarf and a hat.  When my sister was here she told me that five years ago, she got fourteen inches cut off her hair for Locks of Love.  The biggest surprise was that she had never given it away, that she still had it.  Unbelievable!!  I love it, I actually might be able to have a wig with my sisters hair.  How cool, but do I want a wig?  Isn't the wig, for everyone else?

When my mom was in the nursing home, since she had a stroke at 54, and was paralyzed she didn't ever leave the home.  Eventually she just shaved her head, it was easier to take care of and she had no one to impress.  I wonder what I will do.  At the Oregon Country Fair, one of my favorite summer festivals I used to love to dress up and wear wigs.  I was able to morph into a freer me.  I just don't know about this.  We all know its ego.  I mean really, if I was on a deserted island would I care if I had to shave my head?  If someone left a wig on a rock, would I wear it around?  Yes, the girl in me that likes to dress up would.  And yes, the girl in me that likes to braid my hair might.  I just can't believe I have breast cancer.  It's crazy.

So yes, the wind is blowing and my life has changed and my life is never going to be the same.  That is what I didn't say to D this morning.  That for the better or the worse, my life and his life has changed.  When I get healthy again, and when I go into remission, our lives still have been changed.  The life of waking up in the morning and taking everything for granted is over.  Simply over.  

Today was the day that my Dad and I got to trace all the cancer in our family.  Back to my grandparents on both sides.  Tomorrow morning we are meeting with my Genetic Doctor and will start to learn if I have the genes that pre-dispose me to getting breast cancer.  On my Dad's side only my Nana had it and she had six brother's and sisters.  On my mother's side, my grandma had skin cancer on her face-no big deal- and my grandpa had hand cancer.  Neither died of cancer.  I am hoping I do not have one of the known six genes.  But I kind of wouldn't mind either because at least there could be some kind of blame.  I want to point one of my fingers at something.  D is always saying I have a little detective in me.  I'm that person driving down the road that looks for drunks, or calls 911 when I see a reckless driver.  He always laughs at me, but hey, if I can help the little detective in me loves to do it.  I'd make a great cop.  

Today I was out with all the "normal" people and starting to face the fact that my body is going to change and morph into a new butterfly.  I am a little nervous about it.  End of story.  I am just nervous.  Here comes lots of yoga and meditation and soul searching like my hippie days of the past have never seen.  I get to look square in my eye, an eye that may not have eye lashes for long.

 

Mowing the Lawn

I woke up this morning thinking of getting out there and mowing the lawn.  It has finally stopped raining in the city of perpetual rain, Seattle.  I also want to get dressed and go up to my Realty office and make like thirty boxes of my blog address on it.  When someone asks me, like at the PCC, "How are you doing?"  I am going to tell them I just got diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  I have always disliked this question.  I don't dislike the question, I just dislike the chitter-chatter of it.  The fake depth, but we all know that if you answer, "I feel like shit."  The person asking would react like you told them too much information.  The main reason I need to share, is that it helps me say cancer, I have breast cancer.  D and I both feel like this is maybe a mistake.  Maybe someone will call us and tell us that "Oh, Jez!  Sorry!  We mixed up all the tests, we've been looking at someone else's file." 

So, I am going to tell people.  The other reason is is that I want to educate people while I am the picture of seemingly "Perfect" health.  I want to be the face of cancer that says, "Look at Me, this could be you, check your boobs!"  Have your sister check her boobs.  Last night my sis and I went into a store and this exact thing happened.  He asked me how I was, I told him.  I told him because I saw he had a wedding band on.  I hope that he does call his wife when I leave and tell her. 

 In a while I am going to my office, nobody's ever there on Sundays.  Which is perfect.  If I see someone, I'll start to cry.  I am going to make these little boxes, and if any of you want to get it out there too, please do.  

I am going to mow our lawn today.  I feel good.  I feel like Heather again, just a shocked Heather.  I feel that little girl inside me, that can sit on her Dad's lap and cry.  Dad, she is crying all the time right now.  I am scared.  I am sad.  I am bewildered and shocked, and will probably be pissed for a bit.  I hope not.  I hope that I can stay in a peaceful place with this, as peaceful as possible.  Love.  Its all about Love or Fear.  I must continue the choice to stay in the Light of the Present Moment.  Have a great day all of you.  I might even go watch Sex and the City!!

Good News

I just got a call from my Oncologist and he said that my bones are clear as a whistle.  But that it appears that the cancer has moved to the lymph nodes under my arm.  Does this mean I may have to say goodbye to that boob?  Who knows.  We are relieved but my heart is racing a bit.  I can feel all the questions start whirling in my mind.  We have to stay focused and in the present.  We don't know what this means.  The Doc graciously is making an appointment with me tomorrow morning now so that we can meet and go over the MRI that will be later today and talk.  

How I deal with this news, is that I have to protect myself from being blindsided.  I have to prepare myself for the worst, and that would be for the breast to be removed, and for all my lymph nodes in my right arm to be removed.  I might have lymphadema.  I might not be able to carry a heavy grocery sack nor a 5 gallon paint bucket upstairs.  These are all questions I will be able to ask soon.  We are going to breakfast to celebrate.  The cancer is not in my bones.