Living Life

***CLICK on the photos and it will come up larger, if you wish.***

Wishful Endings...

May flowers bring me one year and eleven months from the day I was initially diagnosed. I wrote this posting days ago. I have been sitting with it, making sure it is something I am really ready to do. My dear friend asked me the other day, " are you sad in your decision? I said no." But as I write here, I feel sad. But the sadness is not in the letting go, but in all that I have gone through. I am ready to start placing my energy on going moving forward and writing my book, and living life.

***My friends keep texting me and saying, You are a Marathoner. Wow! I am. I did it. I never let myself think about the whole 26 miles. I didn’t want to psyche myself out. I must say, that I think I could run a fifty mile, ultra-marathon now. With proper training of coarse. But for sure, I am already signed up for another marathon, and my new goal is to run four marathons a year.

I made a little Picasa web album with comments so that you all could see the beautiful place I ended all of this. I cannot think of a more triumphant ending. I was diagnosed at 33, went through fertility treatments, eleven chemo’s, and 33 radiations, on top of experiencing all the wonderful side effects that seemed to be ever present with each bend in the road, and then ending treatment I filed for divorce.

I got knocked down over and over and over. I learned how to not let that take anything away from me. Instead, I learned to surrender to all the twists and challenges and embrace them. I hope my blog will continue to help you woman and men out there that feel alone on your journey of cancer. Whether it is your journey, your sisters journey, or your wife’s journey. My prayer is that my words bring peace into your lives.

I often wrote thinking of some young woman in a little town in South Dakota with no support around her. I wrote to comfort you, to comfort me, and to comfort our families. I am totally done writing here, with the exceptions of posting updates of events I will be speaking at and creating. I am ready to start writing and being there again for the woman on the Triple Negative Breast Cancer Foundations website. This site was one of the most helpful, loving, supportive, and real places I could bring all of my emotions, all of my thoughts, and not be judged.

There will be a new chapter in my life, but first I must close this book, and regroup in the life that I now have worked so hard to be a part of. My life has come to that joyous place that Survivors ahead of me said would come, “Heather, some day you will go a day without thinking of breast cancer. You will have a life back. You will have a new normal, but normal you will have again..I promise.”

Thank you all for your love, for following my journey, and I look forward to hearing from you. Please continue passing this blog onto anyone you think that it will bring comfort, peace, and healing to.

Ode to the 6 month tests

Tomorrow morning is my next six month check up. I tried really, really hard to squirm my way out of getting the darn mammogram. But the MRI folks realized I didn't have the films sent to them today, and called me and asked for them. Drats! Foiled!! Since the mammo failed me the first time, since it didn't find the cancer, didn't even SHOW my cancer, I don't want it. LIke last week I went to the dentist, and I didn't want the xrays. I don't want the extra radiation. Hahaha!! I don't want that little bit of radiation, but I'll take high dose radiation where it counts. haha.. life and all of its ironies you gotta love.
So...I got caught. I called my stellar oncology doc and the awesome team there scheduled everything for me and then made all the calls to the MRI folks. I realized how lucky I was today, when I spoke with a newbie. She is a cherished mother of dear friends of mine. It was a big day on Survivor land.
I spoke with her, with not a stretch for my heart, at all. I felt empowered and full of just the right things for her. I realized when speaking with her, how I was able to give my treatment to Dr. K. I let him be in charge of getting me through, so that I could just be with myself. My job, my only job was to get better, to take care of Heather. I did a good job. I sure did have some growing pains. I laugh out loud to myself thinking of them. LIke the time that I walked all the way down to the beach, down a very steep long hill, barely able to see, walking into branches, and then having to call D to come and pick me up. Totally deflated that I couldn't walk home. I learned about limits. I learned that I needed to not be such an athlete all the time. I learned I didn't have to prove anything to myself. It was okay to be vulnerable. To be true. To be in the present moment, and to listen to my body.
These lessons are helping me succeed and to now push my machine into marathon shape.
Okay, back to the survivors today. So that was this afternoon that I spoke with her. But this morning, one of the only woman that is my age, and is a dynamite kick ass power house, who by the way is a Triple Negative Stage 1 too, told me today that she found a new lump while she was in class. Fuck! I had that scare, we both reminded each other of that. BUt you know what? We share the knowing of what it is like. There is the club, that I hope to God none of you have to belong to..but we understand down to a cellular level of what she is going through right now. I'm feeling for you, E. Hugs.
Okay, so tomorrow. The mammo that I didn't get out of, and the MRI. I always get sick from the toxic stuff the put in you. I have to run eight miles tomorrow, so I might run from my part of town, which is Queen Anne to First Hill. You know what rocks, is that I am not super scared (well, the past few days I have not been sleeping again...so maybe I am), and I am running there. I feel strong. Last Saturday I ran sixteen miles in two hours and fifty-three minutes. I loved it, and when I wasn't loving it, I thought about my life, and how lucky I am to be alive and happy. Truly happy. Tomorrow isn't here yet, so I am going to relax and try to get some sleep.

Which one is worse?

I don't know what would be worse, if I got my cancer back, or the news I just found out. For a woman like me, all she's dreamt about is having children of her own, One Day. To watch their faces lite up when they first learn how to ride a bike, the pain in their eyes when they get stung by a bee, the whole thing. I"ll back track.

Chemo puts girls/woman my age into a Chemopause like state. My Onc told me I had a 50/50 chance of getting my period back. I went through the fertility steps of harvesting eggs. I got 6. I ruined 3 with my X, because in the fertilized state they are hardier and have more of chance of being a viable pregnancy. So now, I just have 3. Chances of that working are 30% maybe a little lower.

I went to see my Onc a few days ago. My tumor markers are low, Yay...at 12. I told him through tears in my eyes, "It would just be nice to know if I am going to get my moon back." He said that usually it comes back within in a year, I am a year and two months out. It should've come back by now, he said. So, he went on to explain that we should do a hormone level on my blood draw as well. If the number is high then my chances are good that I'll get it back. If they are medium, chances pretty low. If they come in low, exteremely doubtful.

Well, I just got his call, and they are a 6. VERY, VERY low. WOman my age that are pre-menopausal are between 15-26. He said that at my next check-up if it hasn't come back, that we need to talk about Osteoporosis, ect....I'm so sad.

He said that it still could come back. And we all know how incredible bodies are. But, I need to be pragmatic, I need to move on, and forward. The limbo state is very, very hard.

At least I know. Now I can begin my process of mourning. I have three eggs. If that doesn't work I can use my sisters, and fertilize it, then I can carry a baby. I still can do that. If that fails, then I can adopt, and I have two incredible soul friends that have been examples of this love. So sad.

I will probably never ever bleed again. I guess, I can embrace all the night sweat/hot flash herbs now. I am going to make a ritual for this. I have to. It is a rites of passage. One that I am sad to be embracing. But embrace it I will.

Darker thoughts

I have been grappling on wether or not to post a few things, but I've decided to do so since my cancer therapy. Please do not write me and be worried. I write these thoughts mainly for you other cancer survivors out there. For you to read my darker thoughts, and so that you feel that you are not on this road alone. Kind of like new mothers, how I always support them talking about their despair they feel usually because of the surge of hormones. I think if more people shared their real thoughts and feelings, we would all feel more connected.

I must preface this with: I do not have an eating disorder, nor will I ever.

One of my first visits with my Onc he asked me a few questions, and one that I thought was very odd that made a lot of sense especially being done now, is, "Have you ever had an eating disorder?" I of coarse said no. Another thought that comes to my mind in explaining what I am about to is, that during treatment I remember some Survivor writing me and saying, "If only they'd told us everything that would happen to us during treatment." Well, yes and no. It is totally not possible to tell a newbie what will be encountered because no one know how their body is going to react. But they do know that breast cancer treatment does add on pounds. I also remember a very dear friend told me at lunch during my second chemo, " You will gain 40 pounds, probably." I thought, yeah...right! Me? No, way! Well, Hell Yes, that did happen. Not because I was eating tons of food. Not the case at all. I don't really know, and maybe I will ask next appointment, but really it doesn't matter. I think it was a lot of fluid, for those of you that remember the months and months of pericarditis and pleural effusion.
I still remember last birthday, I had finished chemo December 31st, (hard to believe almost a year now. That makes me cry because I still feel there, in so many ways) and I had to wait two weeks to get my white cell counts up so that I could eat Sushi! I went for my birthday, January 13th, and by the end of the meal I could not stand up easily at all, because my legs had swollen so badly I could NOT bend my knees. My Oncologist did not catch on with this, even though it was a clue, of the pain I was soon to be in with pericarditis. Remember Survivors, they are just doctors practicing medicine, you are in Charge of Your Body.

Alright, so I'll stop reminiscing, and just say it. For months, as I lost the weight, and started exercising, I have been teetering on a tight rope of wanting to starve myself. I of coarse will not do that. But it is there. Very silently, but there all the same. Like I just have a few more pounds to loose now, and then I'll be back to my pre-cancer weight of 136. It does not help at all when people say, "you look great, you don't need to lose anymore weight." It only makes me angry inside, because I KNOW MY BODY. And I want it back. Okay, I said it. Publicly. I said it to my cancer therapist first. She understood. Done.

The other interesting thing, is being a Triple Negative Breast Cancer Survivor, I don't have the other medicines after treatment that other Survivors have. I have my diet to be attentive of, and exercise. Both of which I feel I was good before cancer. But know, its stepped up a wee bit more in the exercise department. I am now up to four miles every other day, with running. I am hoping to start running longer distances within the year. I am excited for this new change.

The other dark thing I've noticed that I only do for myself in kindof a manic way, is take TONS of photos. My friend a few weeks ago, looked through my photos on my phone and remarked, "You take photos of everything." Well, cancer changed this for me. I want to "document" my life now more than ever. I guess in a way pictures validate what I do, what I see, how I felt at that moment, or what simply puts me in awe, like spider eggs hatching. Deep down, I take all these photos, so that if I do get my cancer back, my sister and super close friends can see what touched my soul. Then they can have those photos of my life, to look at and smile. This is incredibly dark, I realize. But again, here it is.

I like this last new change, I am not so keen on the food thing. The food thing is hard. My body became out of control and I had no control wether or not I gained that weight. Now I do have control, and I just have to be gentle with myself.

Party is coming to an end

My last radiation planning appointment is this morning, after my teeth cleaning. When you are getting chemo you can't get your teeth cleaned because of all the germs that get flung around in your mouth. Before I started back in late June I got my teeth cleaned, so I am very excited to get them done again. I can't remember if I posted this or not, but the other day on of my molars just decided it was done and so the front of it exploded when I was eating bread. Luckily it was just one part and I only needed a filling.
I am feeling anxious about the radiation. I am sick of everyone telling me its no big deal. How the hell does everyone know that? I have heard very unpleasant stories, and stories that it was harder than chemo, so this statement drives me even more crazy. I hope that I am fine and I hope that it isn't a big deal, but who knows. I mean, please it is RADIATION. Its not like I am just going to pop myself into a tanning bed for quick ten minute tan up. I am choosing to get radiated. My radiation oncologist said that not much of my lung is involved which is great.
Today I need to fill my prescripstion for the Biofin, I think that is what you call it. I have heard wonders about this, wonders about lots of stuff. My Rad. Onc. said really who knows if any of it works, and who's to say the skin wouldn't heal just the same without it. I am nearing the end of treatment.
The other day my Triple Negative friend found out a year and a half out that her cancer migrated to her brain. I am devastated by this news. Sad because she was told she only has two years left, sad that breast cancer sucks, sad that each breast cancer survivor especially the triple negative has a high reoccurance/migration stage the first three years. JUST SAD.
How the hell did the TN live through all the chemo and radiation? It stays small for a year and a half and then wham, there you are showing up, lite up in an MRI in the brain.
So, for all those that didn't think I had anything to worry about, and why wasn't I happier when I found out I was only a stage 1, there is your answer, another answer, another reason.
Is that for the rest of my life, and for the next three years, when I I am all done with treatment and I get to start counting my three year mark, I will have the potential of this on my shoulders. She was given just two years. I hope she is around to at least be there for her little girl when she starts her moon.

Sky High Estrogen Levels

Okay, I am laughing because I feel totally normal.  Totally, 100% normal, but D is loosing his mind with me.  To quote him, "You're driving me crazy."  I told him, "Remember what the doc's said.  I might get really emotional.  And I feel normal, and I think you are being the jerk.  Try to remember what the doc's said, and it will be over in a couple of days."  Folks, I feel like I am being the sweetest person possible.  And my husband is very insensitive.  

To put a framework up for you so you have an idea of my estrogen levels.  The high for a normal cycle is between 400-500.  As of today, around 9 am my level was 1, 638.  Holly shit!  I am so convinced that I am acting and feeling normal that I don't want to say, "Poor D."  Although, maybe I should.  I feel like sleeping on the coach I am so annoyed.  Pretty funny, I guess.  

To give you all a little lesson in IVF, as I just learned what I thought was wrong.  The med's I've been taking are just keeping those eggs alive so that they continue to mature.  What is causing the estrogen levels to sky rocket into, watch out your driving me mad status, are all those 12 eggs that are maturing.  Remember, us girls usually just have one egg that matures and those PMS symptoms are from one egg.  Well, I have 12 eggs that are pumping me full of sweetness, sweet as cherry pie.  I am serious!  I am a joy to be around!!  So, the little follicles, that are holding my eggs are getting bigger and bigger.  

I have one last golden shot remaining.  I get to give it precisely at 9 PM tonight and then no more shots.  This shot, will trigger me (I forgot to ask what that means) and then exactly 35 hours later I will be in the surgery room getting all those eggs out of me.  Thursday morning at 7:30 is when we need to be there.  I can't wait to have this done with.  The IVF stuff has been taking up so much of my time and worry in my head.  I am ready to start focusing on support groups, meeting up with other ladies in my area that are Triple Negatives, and getting my healing together.  

This whole thing of getting sick to get better thing is still very foreign to me.  I look to be the picture of health and it is hard to believe I have cancer.  I have a disease in me that is slowly taking my life from me!  Unbelievable!!  

Treatment and all that Jazz

I sure was hoping that I wasn't going to need chemo.  But ALL Triple Negative breast cancer patients get it.  It is all we have.  My final diagnosis is T1c.  I am a stage 1, which is awesome!  I did catch it early!!  But what he doesn't like is that I am a Triple Negative.  The numbers look like this for me.  One in 6 will get a second recurrence within the first two years.  Which freaks me out a little.  Driving home we were on a little road that merged us onto the West Seattle bridge.  I told D, its like all of us cars are Triple Negative Breast Cancer Survivor's and one of six cars will just blow up.  It will get that cancer back.  

Those odds are not that great.  I am mean, should I be happy that one in six of my friends could die?  No, I don't think that is good.  But, if I want to put on the happy hat with all its charms and whistles sure, I only have a 15% chance., that's low.  My margins around the tumor were all good except the back one.  The Doc's like to get a 1cm all around the tumor and the back one is 1mm.  He said he was happy with that and so was the surgeon because in the back, the Pectoralis Major muscle is a sheath that stops/protects the cancer from spreading.  This isn't that reassuring and even D said, I hope you don't get to worried about that.  He said he could see my overtly expressive face freaking out about it, or maybe he can see the springs in my brain popping over it.  This whole thing is unnerving.

There always seems to be some twist to make me never feel safe.  I am settling or learning how to settle into the true unknown's I get to live with for the rest of my life.  My Oncologist that I always want to hug goodbye, said that after 5 years, my numbers of recurrence drop tremendously.  So it looks like I will be crossing my fingers, for five years thanks to my tumor not being positive for any of these hormones.   

I will be starting treatment after they have harvested my eggs, so in about two weeks.  We are getting our floors refinished probably next weekend, so that monday, maybe the 21st.  I will let you know.  My chemo will be for 4 months.  I will have A/C and T, probably Taxol.  Then I will get 3 weeks off for good behavior and then 6 or so weeks of radiation and then I will be done!!  

Sunny skies and eagle fly's

I was driving back from seeing my fertility Doc's at PNW Fertility and an eagle flew high and above me and I just felt wrapped in its wings.  I am so sad today, that I am crying off and on.  But I couldn't ask for a better experience through this.  To be a young woman that wants to have kids and to explore the world with her family and to have all of this put up in front of me as a road block, showing me how desperately I want it, and that this life lives on the other side of this Breast Cancer Roadblock.  I really can't say that I haven't felt totally comforted by each and every doctor, receptionist, technician, blood drawerer, everyone has made this easier for me.  I am so thankful that I have had a team at PNW Fertility that has acted fast so that my treatment wouldn't be delayed. 

 I spoke with a Doc there today that told me that just this winter they went to Oncologists at Swedish and told them that they are now ready to start doing egg freezing for women.  This is huge.  I feel really lucky that I got breast cancer now, and not a few years ago.  At least I have embryo insurance if I need it!  

The other thing I want to share today is this, if anyone is reading this and you know of a way that I can get involved in a large way (like a commercial or ad's or whatever) in being a face for young women with breast cancer, let me know!!  I totally want to do something like this.  Especially when I look healthy and all.  I want women to know that they could be me, and that they need to check their breasts.  

Deal or No Deal Seriously

Met with the Surgeon today.  He helped calm me down with a few key questions and statistics.  I asked how soon after I get my mastectomy can I get my reconstruction done.  He said, "What is your goal?"  I said, "To Live."  Well then, if your goal is to live and if you were my daughter I would suggest not waiting for the whole process of getting reconstructive surgery, (its a whole process, unlike fake boobs) and start with your treatment.  I am wanting to give myself the best odds, and that is to kill this cancer as soon as I can.  He said because I am thin, reconstructive surgery is going to be a bit of a challenge.  I will have to cross that bridge when I come to that.  

He told me that Since I am so Young and Since its a Triple Negative I have (D and I again remember different numbers here, funny what stress does to our brains, we need to remember to bring a tape recorder) a 10-30% chance of me developing breast cancer a second time if I do a Lumpectomy.  I quoted the first surgeon's statement, "There is 30 years of research showing there is no difference in survival rates if I get a lumpectomy vs. a mastectomy."  He said that he disagrees with that as it really boils down to A Quality Of Life issue.  If I want to have the lumpectomy and risk getting it back and fighting this thing again I gave you my chances above. If I get a mastectomy I have a 1 % chance of getting cancer again.  

This is a no brainer, I am taking the deal of Mastectomy.  If my cancer was one of the other 3 that feed on things that they know about and if they could give me whatever drug to decrease my chances of getting it again, I would take that Lumpectomy.  But I am not going to risk this again.  If two months ago, someone said, "If you go down this road you have a 10-30% chance of getting it, heck even a 10% chance of getting breast cancer, and if you go down this road you have a 1% chance."  What road would you choose?  I choose to stick to the road that is going to insure my life for the next 55 years.  I am so young, and there is so much ahead of me that I have a larger amount of time that this could come back vs. a woman getting this in her 50's.  

Hard questions that I can only answer.  I am the one who will have quality of life issues, dealing with the pain of tighter tissue and restricted movement due to this surgery.  And if I go under, and they do find more and the tumor is bigger and more nodes are involved than expected, I would be getting the mastectomy anyways.  My Oncologist is going to call me tonight and talk with me about all of this.  I am interested to hear what he thinks.  Can you believe I am getting to deal with this?  Amazing.  The Why's are all around and I am ignoring them.    

++

Okay I just spoke with my Surgeon.  It is a 10 % recurrence rate for the lumpectomy without the gene bit.  Those numbers are high, much higher and I could be freaking out over nothing and warping my brain about things that will not matter.  But I need to weigh this all, and need to decide before surgery.  If I do the lumpectomy or the mastectomy either way I am going to be watched like a hawk for the next 5 years or so.  If a second cancer does appear they will catch it very early and then off with that boob!  What my surgeon did say is that he is concerned that I am under the age of 35 and that it is a Triple Negative.  

I have a question for my Oncologist now since he works closely with young woman with Triple Negative.  What I need to know is from that 10% (guys I got a D in Alegbra 2 with a tutor) you get the four sub-groups, the feeders on Progesterone, Estrogene, Her2Nu, and my lucky devil Triple Negative.  What are the rates of recurrence with women UNDER 35 and that have the Triple Negative?  Are we 75% of that 10%?  Phew...Right now I am leaning towards the lumpectomy.

If I get the lumpectomy and during surgery if they find more nodes than one that is cancerous the Surgeon said it does not changed my recurrence rate.  It isn't higher.  This is why I do Chemo and radiation.  The lumpectomy will allow me to be a better athlete, a massage therapist, and allow me to be closer to the person I am now.  I love to go snowboarding, ect.. Although I am not sure if I will be able to do that, if I fall will it cause me to have lifetime lymphadema?  I asked the Surgeon how will he know if he got all the cancerous nodes out, he said that he wouldn't know for sure, and this is again why I do chemo and radiation.  Another interesting thing he said is choosing a mastectomy gives me control with what I can have control with.  It is bringing my recurrence rate down to 1%.

 

Genes and not much more..

Today was my genetics appointment with the Genetics Counselor Robert Resta, or as he suggested Your Majesty.  Great guy, D and I loved talking with him.  He thinks that I do not have any of the genes that caused this cancer. He said that one week he is right the other week my Oncologist is right.  It is such a new science that they are learning new things each day and sometimes they just don't have any answers for you.  Unless you have one of six known genes.  He is certain I do not have four of the genes.  That leaves BRCA 1 and BRCA 2.  The test will take between two and three weeks to get the results.  I know, everyone is wondering if this cancer is so aggressive why haven't I had surgery yet.  Well, we needed to get the results from last week and this week.  My appointment with my Surgeon is on Thursday, he is coming in before hours to meet with us as he is slammed.  We'll be crossing the bridge over to Bellevue around 6 A.M.  

The thing is is that me getting cancer at age 33 is uncommon but this is starting to happen more or more.  Or the Doc's are just starting to look for it and are catching it more and more. Plus I am a Triple Negative so this points towards a gene, or a mutated gene so I betcha the Surgeon will want to wait to get my results.  I hope not, but who know's.  I am in the best hands in this city, and am putting their suggestions in their hands.  Whatever they tell me to do, I am going to do.  The cancer has probably been in my body for a while, and waiting two more weeks to make sure I do not have the BRCA's is a good idea.  No need to have one surgery and then have to go back in and have another breast removed.  Plus, I am totally speculating that my right breast will need to be taken off.  It is just moving in that direction.  I will know more on Thursday. 

 I also got an Eccho Cardio Gram done today.  I think that is what it is called.  It's an ultrasound of my heart.  It enababled the Doc's to know if I have a heart murmur, (I don't think I have one) and it also gives my Doc's a base line.  This might be because some Chemo treatments are hard on the heart. If my treatment does get hard on my heart they will be able compare my heart to pre-chemo to make sure I am okay.  I am just going through the days now.  Like a little ant.  I have a specific trail that I have to follow home and I am now done with this bit of testing!! Yeah!!

The not so great news

We went to my Oncologist Doc for the first time today.  He is everything anyone of us could hope for.  If your child got cancer you'd want to see him.  He is loving, intuitive, blunt, witty, a good winker (reassuring both of us in a physical body way), loves what he does, words just don't work here.  He is the first Doctor that I felt like I could hug.  The first Doctor that I know I will know or be in contact with for the rest of my life.  The kind of Doctor that looks in a scared young married couples eyes and says with great certainty when asked by my husband, that he's heard that this could possibly not be curable, that, "That's bullshit."  

He is my Doctor.  I love it.  We can beat this.  But its not the Rosie picture we had gotten on Monday.  In fact this picture may yet again change.  I may wake up from surgery, and find out the story has changed.  Since I made a super long post earlier today I will be quick, if that is possible.  I doubt it will be.  D's three categorizes which are helpful for me to not get overwhelmed.  First its the tumor and the cancer in my body.  Second its Fertility, and Third its Genetics.  My cancer is to quote the Doc, " A nasty aggressive kind."  It has not been feeding on Progesterone or Estrogen nor on the Growth Hormone, Her2Nu.  It is a Triple Negative.  This is what my Doc is not happy about.  He is happy with the size.  We found out it is not as small as they had projected earlier.  It seems to be a 2.2 cm's.  This number could change in surgery.  It could be bigger or smaller, its just hard to say.  

When  tumors are over 2 cm's they like to refer to this as Stage 2.  I have stage 2 breast cancer.  This could change as well, and again we'll know more after surgery.   My Doctor likes that it looks like it is confined, but as we looked at my pics from this week together, he found a possible other site in my breast.  It appears that only one lymph node has cancer in it.  But like he said, "In surgery they may find that others have cancer and they may need to pull out globs of them."  I like that he said that, it was intense but a true statement.   He is saying a possibility.  Few doctor's so far have been upfront with us like this.  They've been more protective, saying the better outcomes, instead of saying, "Hey, this may be the way it is." This also means that if more nodes are involved and if it is spread out in my breast more, I will choose to go back and loose that boob.   There is good news, I won't have to take any Hormone drugs for ten years.  Bad news, the Cancer Doctors of the world don't know enough about this Triple Negative to know how bad it is.  My Doctor is actually one of the Docs that is actively researching, Triple Negative Breast Cancer.

Since my Cancer is so Nasty, I get to do Chemo.  This will hopefully kill any microscopic cancer cells that have entered my fluid channels in my body, from my lymph system.  My cancer is aggressive and I will need to have one of the most aggressive forms of treatment.  My Doc looked me in the eye and told me I am going to loose my hair, I will need to go wig shopping.  I wonder if I can make my wig out of my own hair?   My chemo will be for 20 weeks, give or take a week.  Usually people get sick for 2-3 days after the treatment.  Some people don't get sick at all.   Regardless, everyone feels like they were hit by huge truck.  Since I need chemo, I will need to see a Fertility Doc this week.  I am going to need to freeze my eggs for the day in years to come they tell me I am in remission.  As I do not want to have kids until I know I licked this thing.

On a fun note.  Those that know me well know that I have always wanted twins.  They run in my family.  But now, my baby's will be made in a little petri dish and then placed inside me.  I would guess.  Maybe not, but pretty sure.  So the good news is that my chances of having twins has now just doubled!!  Onto the Genetics part.  Since my tumor is so nasty and aggressive he is pretty sure that it is genetic.  Like 95% sure.  If it is, we will take both my breasts.  I am the kind of person that knows I cannot lie in bed hoping that the cancer doesn't come back.  Because when you have the gene, your chances are 50-60% that they will.  This also means that I will in my early forties start being bugged by my Doc to have a hysterectomy.  If I get cancer anywhere else in my body, even if its in my lungs, it will be breast cancer in the lungs.  

D wanted to know if we caught it early.  No, we didn't, but luckily its not that far along.  Yes, it is curable, and yes, I will fight a good fight.  We all wish for the best.  As every being on this planet, this is how we cope.  So that we can manage what is on our plates in this life.  If we couldn't pray, meditate, walk, smile, write, and hope this would all not be manageable.  All of life's challenges.  But my breast cancer is manageable. My brain has done a wonderful thing for me this week.  It has simply shut down.  I am simply in the Twilight Zone, in shock, and bless this place of being.  Blessed Shock!!