Battle Wounds

September was a whirlwind and October is already half way over. Each day is filled with times of reclaiming Heather. Reclaiming her and integrating Heather. The new and old.

Like today, I took a five mile walk, as yesterday I went for a run and lifted weights so I was trying to be gentle on my knees. Strangely, my knees had a hard time for the first time ever, in my whole life. I realized that running everyday is not good and that I need to be slow with the running again. So, I'm trying to do every other day. On my walk, I noticed the fall leaves and the spiders living in their new spun homes. As I walked my brain had a flashback of last Autumn. How the very bald head seemed to find every unseen spider web and how happy I was this year to be blissfully in lala hair zone and not know about all the spider webs getting caught in my SUPER curly hair. The longer it gets the curls just get curlier. The phrase "chemo curls" seems to have been coined due to my hair! I am absolutely loving having hair. Each day, I bound into the shower to wet it, no need for shampoo yet, and rinse out the day befores product, and then put more on it. I love the smell and the ritual. My eyelashes are not fully in and that is starting to drive me nuts.

The other thing that I realized today as my friend felt my port stitches (the stitches we removed the other day), is that its a little rough. She mentioned that there is vitamin E, and whatever else stuff. I intterupted her and told her that I don't want to use anything. The hippie girl in me knows about all that stuff. I told her, that with all this cancer stuff I just don't want to use anything alternative. Not that Vitamin E is alternative. But I just DON'T want to use anything. The scar is what it is. Its rough. Its my battle wound. It helps as I run my fingers across it, to remind me that yes, indeed what I have gone through is and was real. It was rough. It will heal. It will move on. It will be whole again. Forever changed. Forever different. But it will be smooth again. And I don't want to pretend or take away anything from it. That is where my medicine went into my heart and healed me. I want it to be a reminder. For that delicious day that I am full of health and living the life that I get to live. That. One. Day. In. The. Future.

I had a dinner party at my house tonight. I made soup, Made a plum cobbler. I am eating sugar. Some would say, The Devil. I am not going to go without everything just out of fear. If eating plum cobbler, or drinking wine, or having a cookie makes cancer come back and kill me Some Day...then...it does. Who knows. We all are going to have to die. Some Day. Some. Day.
Life is full of those thoughts lately. That someday. There is a ton of sadness. I am full of sadness. Less tears. More just integrating right now. I am not as manic. I am sleeping. I am loving, EVERYONE deeply around me. Its interesting seeing who can take it in. Who cannot. How those that can't make me want to give more or to totally remove myself. Knowing full well, that in the end, it and none of really matters. Because of that some day. Those that are in my life now, will be..until they are not. Pretty simple.
I need to start writing my book. I am hoping for a respite soon. Loving deeply. Feeling deeply. Heart wide open. Loving myself a TON. Loving feeling alive. And loving those spider webs.

Treatment and all that Jazz

I sure was hoping that I wasn't going to need chemo.  But ALL Triple Negative breast cancer patients get it.  It is all we have.  My final diagnosis is T1c.  I am a stage 1, which is awesome!  I did catch it early!!  But what he doesn't like is that I am a Triple Negative.  The numbers look like this for me.  One in 6 will get a second recurrence within the first two years.  Which freaks me out a little.  Driving home we were on a little road that merged us onto the West Seattle bridge.  I told D, its like all of us cars are Triple Negative Breast Cancer Survivor's and one of six cars will just blow up.  It will get that cancer back.  

Those odds are not that great.  I am mean, should I be happy that one in six of my friends could die?  No, I don't think that is good.  But, if I want to put on the happy hat with all its charms and whistles sure, I only have a 15% chance., that's low.  My margins around the tumor were all good except the back one.  The Doc's like to get a 1cm all around the tumor and the back one is 1mm.  He said he was happy with that and so was the surgeon because in the back, the Pectoralis Major muscle is a sheath that stops/protects the cancer from spreading.  This isn't that reassuring and even D said, I hope you don't get to worried about that.  He said he could see my overtly expressive face freaking out about it, or maybe he can see the springs in my brain popping over it.  This whole thing is unnerving.

There always seems to be some twist to make me never feel safe.  I am settling or learning how to settle into the true unknown's I get to live with for the rest of my life.  My Oncologist that I always want to hug goodbye, said that after 5 years, my numbers of recurrence drop tremendously.  So it looks like I will be crossing my fingers, for five years thanks to my tumor not being positive for any of these hormones.   

I will be starting treatment after they have harvested my eggs, so in about two weeks.  We are getting our floors refinished probably next weekend, so that monday, maybe the 21st.  I will let you know.  My chemo will be for 4 months.  I will have A/C and T, probably Taxol.  Then I will get 3 weeks off for good behavior and then 6 or so weeks of radiation and then I will be done!!  

The things you do

I really didn't realize all the things I do with my pec muscles until after the surgery.  Movements like washing my hair are not even an option, at least not today.  After surgery, I was wheeled back to the room where D, my Dad, and D's mom were.  I swear I was speaking coherently.   I was so thrilled and stunned that the nodes didn't look like they had cancer in them I just kept repeating, I guess they say over and over, "My nodes look good."  Or, "My nodes don't have cancer in 'em."  I was showing them that I wasn't even in pain, and I showed them once how I could move my arm around.  They all said, "No, stop!  Just relax."  Yesterday, D finally had to tease me a little.  Now that I am off the med's and he mimicked a very slow motioned voice say, "My nodes look good."  I swear I didn't sound like that.  haha.

I can't sleep anymore.  I know my cancer has put my into a very very uplifted cloud in the breast cancer arena.  But I am still a bit nervous.  I feel like I have the luxury of wondering if I acted to hastily in chopping my hair.  I have to just not care.  It will grow back and if I don't have to do chemo, then having short hair for a while can help me in some way.  Right now I am sick, sick, sick of my low back or kidney's whatever it is killing me.  I can't sleep and I feel like one of my massage clients that I love dearly.  She is always telling me that she has to wake up and take IBprofren for her back pain.  Although mine isn't going away with tylenol.  I keep stretching as best I can.  Keeping both of my wings close to my body and turning to either side in between typing.  

I can feel my port in my chest.  It just feels really tight under the skin.  I wonder if I won't need chemo and I'll just have this taken out?  For all you fellow survivor's out there that are tempted to write to me, and tell me wether you think I will or won't, please don't.  I am simply not wanting an opinion here, other than my Oncologists.  I am just sharing this time.  Usually when I ask a question here,  I DO want a response from any of you. But not this time.  I am also up because that means I am either getting closer to the time I start chemo, or not.  And so I am hoping like 60% of me that my Doc says I do not need it.  But then since my Triple Negative feeds on something, they just don't know what and they know that it responds the best to chemo like 80% of me wants to do it.  I realize these numbers don't make up the correct mathematical whatever you call it ( I was horrible in math) totalling 100%.  To me those numbers make all the sense, because this cancer doesn't make any sense.  So, these numbers do make sense.  

I am anxious that I am doing this fertility thing for nothing, and if my Doc says no chemo, I will be again, thrilled to stop this whole process.  I am drinking enough water to water log a camel, so my back isn't hurting do to that.  I just think its all the horrible med's that are finding their way out of my system and I have to remember that my body was just violated and maybe my back mmls were tensing up during surgery, although, I doubt it.  I looked, from the pictures pretty much out of it.  People are bringing by delicious food and we really appreciate it.  I need to get my sister to make a list and a calendar for you guys that have offered.  If I haven't responded yet, its just because there is so much to do.  And to worry about.  If I don't need Chemo, then I think we are fine with the food front.  But if I do, then I want my sis to make it kindof spread out, food coming on the night before chemo. The little planner in me has to find a way to work.

This little planner, The Dictator is what D called it jokingly the day I got back from surgery is trying to find control in the most ridiculous ways.  I am sure it was funny to the 3 of them (my Dad, D, and D's mom) with my slurred words telling them all what to do or how to find things.  One lesson was revealed to me during this time.  One obvious one, I spend entirely too much time worrying about everyone else's needs, even when I've just been operated on.  When I have the luxury of time, to go see a therapist when the Breast Cancer horses are reigned in, it will be a fun self journey to start putting Heather first.  I guess that is what having cancer does to people.  It makes you or should I say FORCES you to put yourself first.  There is a list getting started in my head, a new List of Positives.  This will be a post someday in the future.  

I just have to leave you all with this.  I loved with every cell of my being growing up in Seaside, Oregon.  The fourth of July fireworks there is unbelievable.  I have always loved and watched the sky this evening in delight and wonder and I know that at one point during our united show across America we can all take a second to send out a united Cheer and Thankfulness with me, that my nodes are negative and that Our Lives Are Beautiful.  Whatever our challenges are, we are so blessed to be Americans and to be alive Today.  Opening our hearts each and every minute to loving all of those around us, and not taking our lives for granted.  We are blessed to have the luxury of breathing. 

Pain meds are not my cup of tea

I have never taken Percocet or Vicodin before.  In fact, I have to google their correct spelling to get it right.  I puked and puked yesterday on the percocet.  Horrible stuff.  We switched to vicodin yesterday evening and a half pill did me just fine until this morning at 8.  I tried to not take anything but just a bit ago I had to. I have had an incredibly horrible headache all day and a wee bit of pain.  Since I am doing the fertility shots, I cannot take IBprofren.  I still have a headache but its been dulled by the pain med and reruns of The Bachelorette.  I think DeAnna is going to pick Jason and D thinks she is going to pick the snowboarder dude.  

Since I have the med's in me and my head hurts I am not going to make this a good post.  I just don't feel up to it. AND THE NEWS I HAVE IS INCREDIBLY SHORT AND SWEET!! 

My surgeon just called and said that the 2 sentinel nodes on the first screening came back negative and that the 3rd node they pulled out is negative.  They are doing one other test right now and we might get the results back later today, if not by Monday.  So that means, the Cancer did not move out of my breast and we did catch it early!!  The second part of the good news is that my tumor was smaller than expected.  It was 1.8cm only.  Good good news!  I wonder if I am only a stage one now??  I will find out on the 8th when I meet with my Oncologist.  

Have a good fourth.

Day of Surgery

I am laying in bed typing.  I just gave myself my second fertility shot.  I am trying to not think about the bubbles I saw that I didn't get out of the needle.  I tried to, clicked the needle and then pushed the blunger thing up to make a little drop, or two.  But as I started injecting it I saw bubbles.  I was afraid I'd waste more medicine so I didn't do the whole bubble drop thing again.   Yesterday I got a little sick from the shot, 45 min. after the shot.  Within an hour I felt okay and normal again.  

I woke myself up screaming, "NO," last night.  My heart was racing and I was afraid someone was going to inject me with more medicine.  I really don't have much to say this morning.  I am not as ready for my Lumpectomy as I had hoped.  Although, I am not sure if you're ever ready for surgery.  I don't know how typing will be.  I might as my friend Gen to type for me for a while.  I wonder if I'll be able to extend my right arm enough to even type.  We'll well see.  I am going to go wake up my mother in law.

Simply Sad

All the masks I've worn in the past month have been put aside today.  My brain is numb, I can't remember little things, I feel fuzzy.  I feel like I am in a blurry tornado.  I am exhausted, yet ready for a fight.  Ready to learn more about myself.  Ready to see how deep I can dive.  Wondering if my lungs will collapse.  Although I know they won't.  I am back at that first week of feeling. Feelings of utter despair.  Surgery is tomorrow and I am freaked out.  

I will be admitted at 9 am.  At 11 I have a radio active dye injected into my right breast just above the nipple to help my surgeon locate my sentinel nodes.  If you are wondering what sentinel nodes are, my visual may help you.  I keep thinking of my lymph nodes like a bee hive.  And the Queen bee are my sentinel nodes.  They are the lymph nodes that get all the garbage dumped at them first, all the garbage that comes off my chest.  So the dye, theoretically would show the Doc where the cancer would spread to first.  They pull these guys out and any others that feel hard to the touch.  As hard ones, would indicate possible cancer.  They would then biopsy them and I will know within a few days if they have cancer.  

The thing that I have been bracing myself with all day, (I have to think of the possible bad outcomes so I am protected) is that they know of one node that was a few weeks ago 1.5cm's.  That isn't a small size.  So, if that isn't one of my sentinel nodes, that would possibly (all the possibilities of life-you gotta love them) indicate that the cancer has moved to other nodes and other places.  I read in Susan Loves The Breast that the scans I have done only detect chunks of cancer.  And when I remember my surgeon saying that they won't know if they got all the cancer, that is why I have to do Chemo.  Oh!  I just do a doozie on myself.  Putting stats together that may very well not belong together and I just have to reign in those horses.  So, you see, I am worried that the cancer is traveling around.  

The feeling when my Oncologist palpated those big node was a horrible icky, finger nails scratching to the tenth degree, painful and icky.  So, I want that thing out of me.  Today I called both my surgeon and Oncologist to confirm that they both know about that darn node and I want it out.  

My mother in law is here and will be for a few days.  I mistakenly told my Dad and my sis that I wanted them to come later, and today I realized I wanted them here.  This was a little too late.  I have been focusing on how sick I may be with Chemo, and wanted them here then.  What I didn't get until today, is that this is HUGE what I am going through, and them coming here is different than just coming to visit.  I have to stop worrying about inconveincing them but the fact is is that We all need to need each other now.  This cancer effects everyone in our families.  

My poor Dad finally brought himself to reading my blog.  The pain he must be going through, I feel for you Dad.  I can't wait to understand the depth of loving a child, like you love me.  Speaking of, not only have I been getting ready for surgery all day, I also gave myself my FIRST fertility SHOT!  I was able to do it, and it didn't hurt at all.  I am going to try to get some sleep.  I can't eat or drink anymore tonight or in the morning.  I am really scared to finally know what they can find out about this cancer.  It is doubly scary having something that they are unable to know exactly what this cancer is about.  The positive note, my statistics will help some new woman my age next year, with hers.  

 

Now calm down...

There, there, I keep soothing myself today.  It's all going to be known soon.  What is all?  My surgery is in 1 day and 22 hours.  Not that I am counting.  I sure am hell am counting.  I am freaked out today.  I have a few more hours of being my little limber 33 year old body.  D and I have been remodeling our house for the past five months, and it is almost ready to go on the market.  So today, I have been packing stuff and doing things, as soon I won't be able to lift a box. I can only imagine how hard that day will be for me.  I pride myself in my strength, I still have 17 years later my undefeated squat record at my high school for girls.  

Do you remember in the 80's the Hefty bag commercial.  As siblings do, I used to tease my younger sister by saying, "Hefty hefty Heather, wimpy wimpy Wendy."  So, wimpy wimpy wendy, will be coming and lending a hand as I won't be able to lift my arm.  I'll get over it, I am sure.  I am going to try to not take any pain med's.  Doc's say and other survivors say that the Lumpectomy isn't that painful.  What is painful is the axillary dissection.  I won't know how many lymph nodes will be taken out until I wake up.  

Which leads me to my inner freak out.  What if the cancer is in my lymph nodes and there is a little army of pac men just eating up my lymph nodes?  That scares me.  How does this change my 0 to 100% of getting "it" back, or from it not dying off in Chemotherapy.  Here is one of those 40 times, I have to stop myself and just think about how nice it is outside.  I need to go smell some Lavender.  Speaking of nice things.  My friends Marife and Hans stopped by yesterday with a care package.  She has started a business called Athema.  She makes tons of incredible concoctions of Lavender creams, my favorite- a Rosemary Infused Olive Oil (that is to die for), nettle infused vinegar, ect..  

After they left, I was extremely tired since I didn't sleep the night before, and I couldn't go to sleep because I started dipping bread into this Rosemary Oive oil and mmm  mmm, I was in heaven.  I wondered how my mouth will do with Chemo and if I will be able to eat this still.  Everywhere I read, Chemo makes mouth sores.  I guess it dries up the saliva in your mouth so it makes a haven for all those, icky things I won't talk about.  So, I need to do lots of rinses a day, ect.  If worse comes to worse, I will just blend up everything and suck it through a straw. Luckily I love protein smoothies.  Oh, but no fruit.  No veggies.  My sis, said in the hospital there is some kind of veggie/fruit rinse that she learned about for people with Cancer.  But then I think, if it kills harmful stuff on the produce, do I want to then digest that?  I don't think so.  

Today, I am scared. Soon I will know as much as they will know about my cancer in about a week.  And then, I will know how sucky and lame the other team is.  On a side note, I am now in Love with my short hair.  Especially since it is so hot here today.  I am going to go outside now. I love you all, and thanks for following my journey.  This jester alone, means so much to me.  To have this support.   

The Flood Gates are Wide Open

I was thinking last week that it had been almost a week since I cried last.  Today, watch out I couldn't stop crying, and I am not a crier.  We went to the fertility clinic this morning and set up my plan.  The girl who stopped taking birth control pills about eight years ago because I was worried I would get some horrible disease, today agreed to taking DOUBLE doses of birth control pills for the next ten days.  My angels have orchestrated an unbelievable timing that fits perfectly into my timeline of healing from surgery, harvesting eggs, and then starting treatment without delay.  The ride home was very rough and upsetting, so many decisions in just two weeks.  

I left the city for the afternoon and visited friends out on Vashon Island.  I got great news while out there, I do not have the BRCA 1 or 2 genes.  So that means no mastectomy on either of my breast.  I will heal much faster with the lumpectomy.  Phew, that was a huge hurdle to jump through.  I have had a day of running into people that I love and I would just start crying. My heart got opened up and I am thrilled that I am not a carrier and I am also so sad that I don't have anything to blame.  There is simply no excuse.  Absolutely no excuse as to why I have cancer.  Crazy.

  

Genes and not much more..

Today was my genetics appointment with the Genetics Counselor Robert Resta, or as he suggested Your Majesty.  Great guy, D and I loved talking with him.  He thinks that I do not have any of the genes that caused this cancer. He said that one week he is right the other week my Oncologist is right.  It is such a new science that they are learning new things each day and sometimes they just don't have any answers for you.  Unless you have one of six known genes.  He is certain I do not have four of the genes.  That leaves BRCA 1 and BRCA 2.  The test will take between two and three weeks to get the results.  I know, everyone is wondering if this cancer is so aggressive why haven't I had surgery yet.  Well, we needed to get the results from last week and this week.  My appointment with my Surgeon is on Thursday, he is coming in before hours to meet with us as he is slammed.  We'll be crossing the bridge over to Bellevue around 6 A.M.  

The thing is is that me getting cancer at age 33 is uncommon but this is starting to happen more or more.  Or the Doc's are just starting to look for it and are catching it more and more. Plus I am a Triple Negative so this points towards a gene, or a mutated gene so I betcha the Surgeon will want to wait to get my results.  I hope not, but who know's.  I am in the best hands in this city, and am putting their suggestions in their hands.  Whatever they tell me to do, I am going to do.  The cancer has probably been in my body for a while, and waiting two more weeks to make sure I do not have the BRCA's is a good idea.  No need to have one surgery and then have to go back in and have another breast removed.  Plus, I am totally speculating that my right breast will need to be taken off.  It is just moving in that direction.  I will know more on Thursday. 

 I also got an Eccho Cardio Gram done today.  I think that is what it is called.  It's an ultrasound of my heart.  It enababled the Doc's to know if I have a heart murmur, (I don't think I have one) and it also gives my Doc's a base line.  This might be because some Chemo treatments are hard on the heart. If my treatment does get hard on my heart they will be able compare my heart to pre-chemo to make sure I am okay.  I am just going through the days now.  Like a little ant.  I have a specific trail that I have to follow home and I am now done with this bit of testing!! Yeah!!

The not so great news

We went to my Oncologist Doc for the first time today.  He is everything anyone of us could hope for.  If your child got cancer you'd want to see him.  He is loving, intuitive, blunt, witty, a good winker (reassuring both of us in a physical body way), loves what he does, words just don't work here.  He is the first Doctor that I felt like I could hug.  The first Doctor that I know I will know or be in contact with for the rest of my life.  The kind of Doctor that looks in a scared young married couples eyes and says with great certainty when asked by my husband, that he's heard that this could possibly not be curable, that, "That's bullshit."  

He is my Doctor.  I love it.  We can beat this.  But its not the Rosie picture we had gotten on Monday.  In fact this picture may yet again change.  I may wake up from surgery, and find out the story has changed.  Since I made a super long post earlier today I will be quick, if that is possible.  I doubt it will be.  D's three categorizes which are helpful for me to not get overwhelmed.  First its the tumor and the cancer in my body.  Second its Fertility, and Third its Genetics.  My cancer is to quote the Doc, " A nasty aggressive kind."  It has not been feeding on Progesterone or Estrogen nor on the Growth Hormone, Her2Nu.  It is a Triple Negative.  This is what my Doc is not happy about.  He is happy with the size.  We found out it is not as small as they had projected earlier.  It seems to be a 2.2 cm's.  This number could change in surgery.  It could be bigger or smaller, its just hard to say.  

When  tumors are over 2 cm's they like to refer to this as Stage 2.  I have stage 2 breast cancer.  This could change as well, and again we'll know more after surgery.   My Doctor likes that it looks like it is confined, but as we looked at my pics from this week together, he found a possible other site in my breast.  It appears that only one lymph node has cancer in it.  But like he said, "In surgery they may find that others have cancer and they may need to pull out globs of them."  I like that he said that, it was intense but a true statement.   He is saying a possibility.  Few doctor's so far have been upfront with us like this.  They've been more protective, saying the better outcomes, instead of saying, "Hey, this may be the way it is." This also means that if more nodes are involved and if it is spread out in my breast more, I will choose to go back and loose that boob.   There is good news, I won't have to take any Hormone drugs for ten years.  Bad news, the Cancer Doctors of the world don't know enough about this Triple Negative to know how bad it is.  My Doctor is actually one of the Docs that is actively researching, Triple Negative Breast Cancer.

Since my Cancer is so Nasty, I get to do Chemo.  This will hopefully kill any microscopic cancer cells that have entered my fluid channels in my body, from my lymph system.  My cancer is aggressive and I will need to have one of the most aggressive forms of treatment.  My Doc looked me in the eye and told me I am going to loose my hair, I will need to go wig shopping.  I wonder if I can make my wig out of my own hair?   My chemo will be for 20 weeks, give or take a week.  Usually people get sick for 2-3 days after the treatment.  Some people don't get sick at all.   Regardless, everyone feels like they were hit by huge truck.  Since I need chemo, I will need to see a Fertility Doc this week.  I am going to need to freeze my eggs for the day in years to come they tell me I am in remission.  As I do not want to have kids until I know I licked this thing.

On a fun note.  Those that know me well know that I have always wanted twins.  They run in my family.  But now, my baby's will be made in a little petri dish and then placed inside me.  I would guess.  Maybe not, but pretty sure.  So the good news is that my chances of having twins has now just doubled!!  Onto the Genetics part.  Since my tumor is so nasty and aggressive he is pretty sure that it is genetic.  Like 95% sure.  If it is, we will take both my breasts.  I am the kind of person that knows I cannot lie in bed hoping that the cancer doesn't come back.  Because when you have the gene, your chances are 50-60% that they will.  This also means that I will in my early forties start being bugged by my Doc to have a hysterectomy.  If I get cancer anywhere else in my body, even if its in my lungs, it will be breast cancer in the lungs.  

D wanted to know if we caught it early.  No, we didn't, but luckily its not that far along.  Yes, it is curable, and yes, I will fight a good fight.  We all wish for the best.  As every being on this planet, this is how we cope.  So that we can manage what is on our plates in this life.  If we couldn't pray, meditate, walk, smile, write, and hope this would all not be manageable.  All of life's challenges.  But my breast cancer is manageable. My brain has done a wonderful thing for me this week.  It has simply shut down.  I am simply in the Twilight Zone, in shock, and bless this place of being.  Blessed Shock!!