Feathers and Fire

Once again, I find myself in awe of the lessons cancer has taught me, and is still revealing unto me. Before Cancer, I sure was a goal setter. A planner to the T. List maker extraordinaire. I am really loving making my lists again, but now my ego is not attached to these lists, or to an outcome. I sit here this morning, full of joy and have gotten closer to a whole(r) place of being in my body, mind, and soul.

This past weekend, I attended a ceremony for my friends daughters second birthday. I have been putting of attending a ceremony since I have been going through this stuff (sounds so trivial when I put it that way..), for the main reason of a few postings ago..I had let go of Faith in my life. I had to. I had to set it aside, and just be "in" the present moment, that in all reality was much more of a spiritual journey than I have ever been on.

Well, this weekend it just happened that my jam packed real estate schedule (yippee a schedule) all vanished for various meant to be reasons, and there was nothing holding me to the city. I drove down to Southern Oregon, and met with friends that had gathered from Washington, Idaho, Alaska, Oregon, and California. Old friends that I have not seen in years. Friends, that are my brothers in my life. Men that have my back. Men that I can call for any reason, and they are there for me. For no other reason, than they love me. Which is hard pressed in my life. I would say I only have two others in my life, that there are no ulterior motivations. Just pure sister brother relations.

In this ceremony, I prayed and prayed, and prayed some more for my friends daughters life. For their life as parents, for their guidance for her, for their continued communication and love for one another so that she may have good examples of the love she deserves in her later life, ect.

In praying for her life, I connected back into my faith. A faith that I thought had gone away. A faith that I felt had betrayed me. A faith that had not been there. A faith that indeed I did feel all along, but that I chose to exile, so that I could dig deeper, and be "alone".

What I learned this weekend is that my faith is not an extension of me. It is not outside of me. It is not something I can "have" or "believe in" or even "live by". It simply is my heart, it is my soul, it is my breath and my blood that pulses through my body with each heartbeat. I looked deeper into myself this weekend and found a stronger me. A wholer me. A me, that I do not not need to exile any longer.

***

This week is the second biggest week of my training for this marathon. I run 40 miles, and am very excited about it. I woke up in the middle of the night, freaking out about my Saturday run that will be 20 miles!! Its small compared to April 25th's 26.285... I ran through my first pair of shoes, and bought a new pair yesterday. Very excited to bring these new ones for my ten miles spin today. Its a beautiful day here in Seattle. I am opening my life up for change on many levels. I'm noticing here in my life, that I am not connected to any one thing, as I had been before cancer. I believe after this weekend, it is through my faith, faith in my life, and my body, my soul, my path, that what will be, will simply just be. I have nothing to hold onto, other than change, and the perpetual motion of being in the present moment and living in awe of the unknowns.

Faith

I'm down in one of my favorite little towns in California, St. Helena. Today I met up with an old friend, an old friend that we have a deep spiritual understanding together. I would say, my closest friends and I share a deep connection in this way. He was telling me about a shoulder injury he has and that he is heading to Brazil to see a spiritual surgeon, or he'll have surgery in the states.

I looked him in the eye and said, "You are going to need to have real surgery."

He and I looking deeply into each others eyes, and he responded by saying, "I don't know why you are saying that. I am not even going to hear that. I am not going to take that reality on. I am not sure if you are saying that, Heather because Western medicine worked for you, and you chose to go that route."

I started telling him more of my story, and I'll skip most of what I said otherwise this post could be a book in and of itself.

But the jest of it, with lots of tears, was this:

" I lost my faith." To get to where I am now, to go through what I went through, I had to let go of it all. How was it, that I..ME..and again, I got cancer in the first place? I remember blogging about this, but one conversation that occurred frequently was this...some loving caring person (because they always meant well)would say, "You will be fine, Heather. You will make it through this." And I would get really angry inside, and say as loving as I could back, "I will be until I am not." And then they would say, "I believe that you create and bring to you whatever you believe. So be careful what you say." And I would say, " I never thought I was going to get cancer, and I did."

You see, this conversation is on FAITH. Faith in lord knows what. Those of you that are Christian could be upset I just used your lords name in vain. Or whatever religion. Whatever religion you are, any walk of life, in any part of this miraculous planet, we all on this planet are just trying to make sense of what happens in life, and to us. Through faith.

We pray, we meditate, we fast, we walk, we run, we do all these things to help us get through. Because life is hard, and life is challenging, and life sometimes simply does not make sense.

It is easier to put your faith out there, and allow yourself to believe that "some great entity's" will, will be done. For your own good.

I am a deeply spiritual person. And this was one of the hardest things for me, and still is. I realized that Faith, is Control. Control in the idea that we do make our own reality. That we are our own magicians. That we can pray to a deity/God and through our faith, "Let go, and Let God." But this is a form of control, as I see it.

I feel like all the praying, all the seeking is our minds just trying to make sense of all of this life stuff, in reality we have nothing to figure out. Life just is.

For me, I chose to surrender into the unknown. Surrender and in the surrendering I learned to love myself deeper. It all boiled down to that. Surrendering and Loving. In the present moment, that is all I had. I believe it is all we ever really have. The hippie in me years ago, used to say its either Fear or Love. But it really is, just Love.

I have a bumper sticker on my car that sums it all up for me, Love Wins. It does, and through this Love, I will come back to having Faith. Because I do deeply believe I am my own magician. And that I do create my reality. But I do also now believe, that sometimes, stuff just happens. And it doesn't make any sense, and no one can tell you why, or how, or even IF at the end of a long struggle, it'll all be worth it.

There is a sadness in this harshness. I cried a lot today, and have over this many times. Faith is what I have stood behind for years. A mask of faith, full archetypal images, and mysticism...but a mask all the same.

My last 3 month check-up?

I haven't written from Swedish Cancer Institute in a while, or maybe ever. Chemo took the memory of the past. Driving into the garage, a calm came over me. Pushing the blinking garage ticket button, the arm raised, and I drove in. As I circled my way into the garage, I parked at the same time as another person. A man, and his child. I got out of my car, and looked in his direction. Hoping to catch an eye, an eye of understanding. A Tribal understanding. Walking into the elevator, pushing 1, and going up. Walking through and into the Institue I felt a sense of home. Of a welcoming. Tears started down, and I felt the sadness.
The girls at the front desk remember my name, and handed me my slip with the directions for the blood folks..the infamous tumor marker blood draw..CA 27-? Can't remember. Who cares. Its the test for Breast Cancer, my tumor markers. The test that I will call tomorrow and find out my numbers. I'll mark them down in my little journal, so that I can graph them. Watch them. Live by them, as a cobweb lives in a window sills corner.
As I waited for my blood to be drawn, I look around the room that is full of every kind of person and walk of life. I am nervous now. I was able to keep those feelings at bay until now. I tried calling a few friends before todays appointment, but didn't get in touch with them all. I just wanted to tell everyone that I think today will be my last 3 month appointment. Its February now. In three months, it will be a full year that I was done with my treatment. A full year later, and I will be running a marathon in Big Sur. Big Sur to Carmel. I cannot wait to tell Dr. K this news. I can't wait to hug him, and tell him that I am ready to start being available to young woman who get diagnosed. I came armed with my blog business cards to give him. I am ready to start being a beakon of hope for these girls/woman. To tell them with a determined look, as I was gifted by a Survivor, that they will get through this. They will.
I am going to go now. I want to smile at the folks around me. I want to open myself up to this experience. Feel it. I can't wait to get on the scale.

A rat race in my head

I have so much going on in my head, in my heart, in my body, in my mind, in my everything. I am enjoying it all immensely. I enjoy it all so much, that I get overwhelmed and then I cry. I need to start writing here more often again, because I need to process stuff.
Today was an all day doctor visit day. I saw my Cardiologist and he thankfully has started the steroid taper, tomorrow I go from 20 mg to only 10, for a week. And then to 5 mg's the following thursday. I am excited to start this process. Nervous that I will have another reoccurence, but hoping that doesn't happen. He said he wanted me to wait to start excercising until Monday. I told him that I am finally feeling better. Its taken almost two months to regain my body energy from the last attack. Pretty incredible really. I kept thinking I was all better, or back to normal, but weeks later, I can tell you that I feel totally different than I did a few weeks ago, and am totally ready to start exercising. I want to start going to boot camp, but he said wait a bit longer. At least until Monday, so that I can if I do have pain in my chest, know what caused it.
Then I went and saw my cancer therapist, and talked body stuff. Good.
Then I gave a massage.
Then I went and had my yearly eye exam. Got the eyes dilated, and didn't bring with me a pair of sunglasses so drove around with those instant unfold plastic wrap mock sunglasses. Funny.
Then...I went to see my Oncologist and waited in the lobby for an hour to get in, and got my first Tumor marker test, and another chest x-ray. I am of coarse nervous, about the whole base line thing. I am nervous and afraid that my cancer will come back some day. You know, I am so young. I am only 34, so what if it does? That's the base fear, right? I can try to be in the present moment, and do that well. I really do. I found myself asking Kaplan all my questions, and then looked at him, and said, "Really, does any of this matter? REally? What I really want to say to you is, will my cancer ever come back, and will we catch it early, and will I live?" That is the core of it all. I am scared. I want to cry. And I do cry. I have a long life a head of me, and I just don't want to ever go through this again.
My body is starting to come alive again. For the first time since chemo, I have had to start bathing everyday because underarms are starting to say, Hey! We are here!! Not in an offensive way, but soon, I am sure I will need deoderant again. Kaplan said he they don't know why the body does all these strange things, but thumbs up that my body is starting to work again.
My house sit ends tomorrow, thank God!! Phew! I can't wait to be home and to dig my hands into my garden. This miserable spring is not helping my veggies grow. I desperately want to do a fast, and cleanse my body in a super serious way. But need to not do that. I know this. I need to wait to till I'm off all these drugs. Which is the same answer I got when I asked K when I can get my port out. I need to wait to get off the steroids. They inhibit healing.
I'll get my tumor marker tomorrow. Supposedly it will be my baseline. What if its high already? I was just a stage 1, so I calm myself down and tell myself my chances are super low. But then again, my chances were super low initially and I got it. Shit happens.
Which brings me to the obvious that we only grow in hard times. I've been thinking of this idea, and am not sure I agree to it yet. I have grown deeply in and with love, so not sure if I agree to this. I of coarse have never grown as deeply as I have this year. I was telling my cancer therapist today, that I need to bring my old self up to par with my new self, and I told her I was afraid I might forget all that I learned. She said that was impossible. I think she's right. How lucky am I that I got to learn all that I learned this year, at the age of 33 and 34? I am serious!

Glorious Fall Day

I had an incredible day today. I did a little real estate in the morning, (found an awesome house for some buyers) and then hit the ferry dock! I got out to Vashon island just before the Burton coffee stand closed, got a latte and took a walk around the Burton loop. Its exactly three miles if you park down at the stand. In the past, I usually run from this point. But today, I was just really happy to feel like I was healthy enough and not sick to my stomach to take a fast paced stroll. Walking up the first hill, I kept my eyes high in the sky. The wind from last nights storm was still swooshing around the trees and I was filled with such delight as I felt this breeze whip around my body. I felt embraced by the smell of the needles on the moist ground and felt warmed by the cool wind. I felt my leg muscles lengthening as I took long strides and honestly was shocked that at the end of the walk my muscles felt like I had a good workout. This laying around is starting to take a toll on my body.
I went to the old SBC store and sat and read a book for a few hours before I did a couple massages. I feel really really good right now. Being out on Vashon and being held by community at every turn in the day was a blessing. I always say a little prayer when I go out there. I say, " Please bring whomever I am to see today into my path." Maybe just having the open heart to talk and be present with whoever I run into, opens me to seeing everyone. I always appreciate the spontaneity of this prayer. I usually never call a friend and suggest to hang out. I have so many friends out there, that I just like to bop into people, here there and everywhere. Chemo is tomorrow and I have the strength to do it again because of the smells I have in my memory from my magnificent little isle of love.

Couldn't be better

Today was such a great day, I got to forget I have breast cancer. I even feel that its right to not capitalize it. How fun today was. I worked all day doing real estate and had a very accomplished day. I don't have much to say other than I am equally bummed that tomorrow is another chemo and thrilled that it is my last of AC. I got a letter this morning from a dear reader that said her sister is on the same treatment as me. She had just as rough a time on AC that I have had but that the three months of Taxol were much easier on her. It was a wonderful way to start my day. I had a big smile of hope on my face and I really do hope that in three weeks time, when I start the Taxol that I find that it is easier.
I will just have to wait and see, and until then have faith that this is going to be the case.

Yogurt and my meanderings

Okay, I can finally say it, " I made it thru my first chemo treatment." I am really done. Last night, though the heartburn was severe, I slept every couple hours. Then I would wake up and have a huge bowl of Nancys Lowfat Plain Yogurt. The chemo's new second food must have. I think I ate three huge bowls, or was that four? All I know is that I bought a big one, the biggest one they make yesterday and I ate half of it last night. It was the only thing that soothed my stomach. I slept. That is huge. I thought, as I can still feel the steroid's or, maybe its just the anxities of going through this treatment.
This disease is teaching me many things. One of the big ones is compassion. Not that I wasn't a compassionate person before but because I see the fragility of who we all are. I knew that we are all trying our hardest and trying to be the best we can, but now I don't feel the judgement that was there before. I have an exceptance in a more universal way. The second biggy is a fact. I am learning to surrender. That though, the "normal" Heather, or the Heather that has died in the past few months, once believed she was God. I truely did, guys. I thought I 100% was what I believed, projected, willed, everything, you name it, I believed that I could actually shift anything if I believed in it enough. But what I am learning through surrendering, is that I do not have control over anything (oh, please spare me the attitude one, I know that-I say that with a smirk) and the old "God" that I thought I once was/is/have been~because I was once a this, I is now gone. In its place in me learning to be okay with the unknown. There could rest fear in this place, but I have to disregard it. I have to push it aside. I have to trust in the winds of change, or spirit, or allah, or jesus, whatever we "cope" with by calling on the greater, I have to trust that everything is going to be alright. And for the first time in my life, not just because I feel like its me that is projecting on itself. Me, the all knowing manifester~ smirking again.
So, yes, I have to surrender, and trust, and have more compassion ALL for myself during this time, which in and of itself is teaching me to open my spirit like a lotus blossom and just love.
This is incredibly painful to me. I feel a sense of death to the young superwoman that flew in all her glory. I feel an age of understanding that my Dad, would have hoped I wouldn't see for twenty more years. But, for some reason the winds brought these lessons to me this summer, and I get to be a better person sooner, than I had thought in my all knowing, was due me.

Treatment and all that Jazz

I sure was hoping that I wasn't going to need chemo.  But ALL Triple Negative breast cancer patients get it.  It is all we have.  My final diagnosis is T1c.  I am a stage 1, which is awesome!  I did catch it early!!  But what he doesn't like is that I am a Triple Negative.  The numbers look like this for me.  One in 6 will get a second recurrence within the first two years.  Which freaks me out a little.  Driving home we were on a little road that merged us onto the West Seattle bridge.  I told D, its like all of us cars are Triple Negative Breast Cancer Survivor's and one of six cars will just blow up.  It will get that cancer back.  

Those odds are not that great.  I am mean, should I be happy that one in six of my friends could die?  No, I don't think that is good.  But, if I want to put on the happy hat with all its charms and whistles sure, I only have a 15% chance., that's low.  My margins around the tumor were all good except the back one.  The Doc's like to get a 1cm all around the tumor and the back one is 1mm.  He said he was happy with that and so was the surgeon because in the back, the Pectoralis Major muscle is a sheath that stops/protects the cancer from spreading.  This isn't that reassuring and even D said, I hope you don't get to worried about that.  He said he could see my overtly expressive face freaking out about it, or maybe he can see the springs in my brain popping over it.  This whole thing is unnerving.

There always seems to be some twist to make me never feel safe.  I am settling or learning how to settle into the true unknown's I get to live with for the rest of my life.  My Oncologist that I always want to hug goodbye, said that after 5 years, my numbers of recurrence drop tremendously.  So it looks like I will be crossing my fingers, for five years thanks to my tumor not being positive for any of these hormones.   

I will be starting treatment after they have harvested my eggs, so in about two weeks.  We are getting our floors refinished probably next weekend, so that monday, maybe the 21st.  I will let you know.  My chemo will be for 4 months.  I will have A/C and T, probably Taxol.  Then I will get 3 weeks off for good behavior and then 6 or so weeks of radiation and then I will be done!!  

It's not about the breast

Today was my last visit with my surgeon before surgery.  He helped me feel more informed and I use this word because the fact is is that "they" the Doc's of the world do not know what, how, or why breast cancer was, is , or in the future maybe formed.  And the 10% recurrence rate is a relative value, for all of us.  If you get cancer than X is your chance.  My numbers are not 10% but my numbers are either 0 or 100%. Not a mixture, not a smaller or bigger percent but either I don't ever get Breast Cancer back or I do, and it will come back 100% not sortof, not kindof, not a little, but if it does come back it does.  End of Story.  Okay, so the spiritual side of me can shift all those cells, and I will get to that work when I can.

First, I need to realize what I am working with, what the hell I am trying to shift.  The other fact is that I did visualize my body in complete harmony and I still got cancer.  The doc's and books say I should call it what it is, Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma.  So, that is what I have and I know it doesn't make me what I am, but I have this cancer in my body right now.  Right now I am sick.  Right now I don't feel sick.  My heart is absolutely exploding with pain and grief, and sadness but I could be a poster child for health.  I am that model that is promoting health but takes a break and smokes a cigarette behind closed doors.  

Whether I get a lumpectomy or a mastectomy there is no survival difference.  I will survive, all the Doc's are saying that.  It is a difference of a Quality of Life.  Which today I understood on a deeper level verses the superficial "Range of Motion" I might have due to a mastectomy or wether or not my husband will be attracted to me still.  The real quality of life that my Surgeon spoke about today is that it might come back.  Which CANNOT be mixed up with survival rate, they are different.   No one can tell me any different.  They will have new numbers, numbers that are again for the general public, after my surgery.  Depending on how many lymph nodes are involved.  I will then again be faced depending on that outcome with new "life"decisions.  

My quality of life will be measured with questions only I can answer.  Because if the cancer comes back, there is a big possibility he said that it will come back in another place other than my breast.  So it is NOT ABOUT MY BREAST!  It is about my life, and how much of a risk taker am I.  It is also about the Doc's not knowing ANY real number for me, for my body, and for my immune system on wether or not it will or won't come back.  And if it does, where it would come back to, and when it would.  No one will ever be able to answer this for me.  So my faith comes into play here.  I have decided for sure to do the lumpectomy and before surgery I have got to get myself ready for that decision.  I have to look at it as it is "giving" me a choice, a choice after surgery, depending on lymph node involvement on wether to go back and do a mastectomy it is sparing my breast.  The question I will never know, until "it" comes back, "if" it does, is how long I am sparing this breast.  Which brings me back to It is About the Breast.

Family

When I hung the phone up with the first lady that called to tell me I have breast cancer and that I needed to come to the Breast Center right away, I hung up and called my Dad.  I told him that I knew nothing more than that I have Breast Cancer (do you capitalize this or not?  To me its EVERYTHING right now, and seems like it has earned its right to be so)  and could he call the family and tell them, and call my best friend that I grew up with Jody; her mom fought a long and serious battle with this evil disease, I knew she'd totally understand.  

The hard part with all of this is that my older sister, by nine years found a lump in her breast the week I went to my first Doc.  Her Doc's said that it had calicified, whatever that means.  Which makes this whole thing a bit scarier because my Nana got diagnosed in her late fifties.  We have learned this could be genetic, something I had only heard of and thought was for people on the news.   She went to the MAYO clinic and because my Nana is one heck of a good fighter it didn't come back.  Now didn't I just say that Jody's mom was a Scraper too? Its funny how we as a society believe if someone beats someone or something that they were the best.  With this Disease there are no "best" there is no such thing as someone who "won" their battle because they fought a good fight.  It comes down to chance, and how this silent killer is going to be in ones body.  Okay Heather, remember your young.  This is going to be alright.  Right?  Everyone keeps saying that to me.  Everyone.  I will be alright.  My new Mantra.  A young Survivor I spoke with on the phone this week told me a Mantra for her, This IS Manageable.  

I knew what she meant this week.  As I have had the most toxic stuff pushed through my body.  It has taken me two days to get over those PET/CT scans goodies.  Yesterday for my MRI I got a new kind of liquid contrast based with Gadolinium.  The bottle said it was FDA approved but if you have kidney problems I should tell them.  I was so elated when I left that MRI place.  Finally the sortof good news, that it wasn't in my bones, but may be in my lymph nodes under my arm sank in.  I was done with my Scans!!  Yippee!  Last night the three of us (my younger sister is in town), drove up to the Alaska Junction to have dinner.  I still do not have an appetite but D keeps reminding me that I still have to choke down some food.  Jokingly reminding me that he has seen me eat some big meals, and knows that I love to eat.  So we drove up to the Junction and it was packed.

We parked behind my office.  The office that I used to kick butt in as a Realtor and just last month sold 4 homes.  I felt a sense of something had been taken from me.  I had to let go of three upcoming listings this week as I just new the stress was immediately not going to work.  I love everyone in my office.  It was a little sad.  Oh, here comes that pity party again.  I have to remember my mom here.  A very religious woman, she'd just caste that devil out of here.  So, I will just caste those bad thoughts out of here.  Or was there that 80's commercial of, " I'm going to wash this, mmmm right out of my"  now this isn't a singalong you guys.  Dinner.  We walk up to have Sushi, my sis loves it.  By the time we walked just 4 blocks I was spent.  There was a line, and just four chairs in the waiting area that were full.  How do you ask someone to get up because I need to sit down.  Would I look convincing?  I am just 33 and look from the outside world healthy as could be.  My stomach started to feel a bit nauseous and the lady said it was going to be a half hour wait, we could write down our cell number and she'd call us.  

Usually this would be fun.  I could stroll around looking at the shops.  I usually find my eyes and heart wanting to go past this really cute kids clothing store, but not today.  I told D and my sis that I had to go home.  Let's just get something to go.  D walked back and got the car as we got Mexican to go for them.  I wasn't going to eat.  

No matter how old we are those sibling " I want what you have" passes through me still at times.  And dinner last night was one of those times.  I got what she had ordered and we drove home.  I feel closer to "normal" at home.  I am not around a ton of city people that are healthy all running around with their heads full of their to-do lists.  We tried to watch the newest Will Farrell flick, boring.  I instead wrote down my list of questions for my Oncologist.  I get to meet with him this morning at eleven.  This meeting is what woke me up early today.  I have a huge whirling Monarch butterfly family in there.  So many questions.  

One is that it seems like all these little glow potions have really sucked the soul from me the past days.  Is this normal?  Or since my body is so pure (like the word pure, I struggle for about 30 seconds trying to remember how to spell it) is this all going to affect me a huge way.  Not that I want him to treat me not aggressively because we need to.  I have at least 50 more years on this planet.  But maybe I will need more anit-nausea medicine.  Medicine I would never had agreed with.  Guys I think the flu shot is bad.  One of those things that is the pharmaceutical companies way of getting their pocket books into America.  So..when I say I don't take anything, that means nothing.  

My sis is sleeping on the coach.  She is really worried about her breasts too.  This sis is only a year and seven days younger.  My Dad says when we are around each other we become one person.  We talk on the phone at least once a day, usually more.  Yesterday before she came up here, she went to see her Doc about her breasts.  She graduates from nursing school next Friday.  I still don't know if I can drive all the way down to Eugene.  I don't want to miss it for anything in the world.  But right now, I can't imagine driving down there.  She said she doesn't want me down there if I don't feel good.  I think I will though, no more chemicals for a while.  She's decided to get a Mammogram and an UltraSound just to make sure everything looks good.  I feel bad for her.  She is so young and I know she is scared for herself.  My poor Dad had to face the possibility of my older Sis and I having it in one week.  I think a little too much for him to bare.  He has always said that one of the worst thing that could happen in life is if one of his kids went before him, "Parents shouldn't have to bury their young."   Dad, you won't need to.  Don't worry.  

Good thing he raised a little athlete.  This is where I plug sports, for all of those that think that playing sports is dumb, I will prove to you how more than a little game they all are.  One of the core strengths I am pulling from right now is my athlete in me.  I am SUPER competitive.  I can't even make myself play a game of freakin' dominos with D without being pissed if I lose.  So with this Cancer that I have, I have had to go this athlete that resides deep in me.  I've had to call her to action.  I acutally for the first time in my life have a true battle ahead of me.  The Docs and all of you are on my team.  But I am the leader, K. I'm laughing right now.  I'm not trying to be egocentric, this is just how I've made it in my head. And thanks D for being so nurturing in this way as to let me tell you I need to change the plans. I am now, for the first time in my life.  THE CENTER of it ALL.  I have to have it be that way.  If I am talking on the phone and need to get off, now I get off.  I just say I have to go.  If I need to leave the restaurant because I don't feel good, we leave.  

My mother in law came two nights ago.  I HAD to FORCE myself to relax.  She was here to help me (the night of the PET/CT's).  I kept going into the kitchen and trying to help her.  She gently said, "I'm trying to help."  I realized I needed to let go.  She can find the plastic wrap, she can find a glass for water for me to drink.  She made me an amazing bowl of potato salad, I can't wait to eat.  I think its time for me to take time for myself.  Luckily I am not a single mom who has to put food on the table.  For those of you that are out there, I shed a tear for you and how hard this is.  Is there a place in this amazing city, that people going through treatment like this single mom can have dinner and groceries brought to her at no charge?  I don't believe in handouts.  In fact I don't want to help anyone that can help themselves, as I see it I am just causing them to be further victimized.  But I do believe in helping people that can't help themselves and that are trying to be better/healthier Americans.

My little sis is gently doing some cute Zzz's on the coach.  How is it that we love so deeply.  What is it like to have a child?  This is something that all of you know has been a bit of a despair in my life.  I want them so badly, and waiting has been sucking my life from me.  Luckily, D was wanting to wait a few more years.  D, Thank YOU!!  But now, for the first time in my life, I can't imagine going through this with kids.  Mainly because of the unknown's at this time.  I can take space from friends and family but kids are always there just in that Present state of being being precious.  Just looking up at you with all the love that ever existed in the world, just beaming that love at you, yes..even when they are kicking and screaming, it shines through.  Shining through because they feel safe enough to kick and scream and develop into their little selves before your eyes.  What a gift this will be someday.  But that day now, is further from today than I'd hoped a month ago.  

I was offered by friends Lisa and Jack to bring their baby by for a play date, during my treatment.  This was the one thing that I knew I'd be calling to ask for.  With them here of coarse, but that sounds fantastic!!