It's not about the breast

Today was my last visit with my surgeon before surgery.  He helped me feel more informed and I use this word because the fact is is that "they" the Doc's of the world do not know what, how, or why breast cancer was, is , or in the future maybe formed.  And the 10% recurrence rate is a relative value, for all of us.  If you get cancer than X is your chance.  My numbers are not 10% but my numbers are either 0 or 100%. Not a mixture, not a smaller or bigger percent but either I don't ever get Breast Cancer back or I do, and it will come back 100% not sortof, not kindof, not a little, but if it does come back it does.  End of Story.  Okay, so the spiritual side of me can shift all those cells, and I will get to that work when I can.

First, I need to realize what I am working with, what the hell I am trying to shift.  The other fact is that I did visualize my body in complete harmony and I still got cancer.  The doc's and books say I should call it what it is, Infiltrating Ductal Carcinoma.  So, that is what I have and I know it doesn't make me what I am, but I have this cancer in my body right now.  Right now I am sick.  Right now I don't feel sick.  My heart is absolutely exploding with pain and grief, and sadness but I could be a poster child for health.  I am that model that is promoting health but takes a break and smokes a cigarette behind closed doors.  

Whether I get a lumpectomy or a mastectomy there is no survival difference.  I will survive, all the Doc's are saying that.  It is a difference of a Quality of Life.  Which today I understood on a deeper level verses the superficial "Range of Motion" I might have due to a mastectomy or wether or not my husband will be attracted to me still.  The real quality of life that my Surgeon spoke about today is that it might come back.  Which CANNOT be mixed up with survival rate, they are different.   No one can tell me any different.  They will have new numbers, numbers that are again for the general public, after my surgery.  Depending on how many lymph nodes are involved.  I will then again be faced depending on that outcome with new "life"decisions.  

My quality of life will be measured with questions only I can answer.  Because if the cancer comes back, there is a big possibility he said that it will come back in another place other than my breast.  So it is NOT ABOUT MY BREAST!  It is about my life, and how much of a risk taker am I.  It is also about the Doc's not knowing ANY real number for me, for my body, and for my immune system on wether or not it will or won't come back.  And if it does, where it would come back to, and when it would.  No one will ever be able to answer this for me.  So my faith comes into play here.  I have decided for sure to do the lumpectomy and before surgery I have got to get myself ready for that decision.  I have to look at it as it is "giving" me a choice, a choice after surgery, depending on lymph node involvement on wether to go back and do a mastectomy it is sparing my breast.  The question I will never know, until "it" comes back, "if" it does, is how long I am sparing this breast.  Which brings me back to It is About the Breast.