Happy Solstice

One of the best things I do for myself is force myself from my fuzzy flannel sheets when I cannot sleep.  Since I've found out I have cancer, my sleep can become all about the fury of Breast Cancer. All the questions start piling on top of one another and soon my heart is pounding and I start getting so anxious.  The best thing I do for myself is get out of bed.  Luckily I love to write, so this is my only way of talking about all the hard stuff.  I can talk to D about anything, but there are only so many times I can talk about a port-a-cath to him.  I layed in bed this morning imagining that port-a-cath's tail being like a scorpion's tale to my heart and started panicking.  What if it hurts my heart?  What if it does start to hurt me and I can't get to the emergency room fast enough?  Do you know what this tells me, in the middle of my slumber?

To get out of bed, write about my fears, and then read about my fears.  Ignorance is a bad thing for me.  I have now turned my soon to be implanted port-a-cath into a scorpion's tale!!  Oh, I feel better now, I am laughing out loud.  Well, quietly it is 2 am and D needs to sleep.

I am so excited it is summer, as of almost three hours ago.  I wonder if I'll be able to go to my favorite little beach in Leschi this summer to lay out and listen to the little ripples of Lake Washington?  Will a sun tan be okay?  Will the chemo make my skin sensitive to the sun and may I burn more?  So many questions?  My Oncologist must get some pretty wacked out ones?Like my panic with the port-a-cath.  I am going to have to make it my friend.  Okay, that's it.  I am going to have to welcome it to my body.  It is going to save my little veins from being poked and prodded over and over again.  It will save them from getting burnt from the chemo.  It is my little helper.  I wonder what I  will call it?  One young survivor told me she called hers "Alien".  She made a joke to the surgeon once all her treatment was done, a year later, "Okay, now is your time to put anything else in me!  Are you sure there is nothing else?"  

Oh, boy!  I surely have no idea what is in store for me.  Yesterday was another doctor's visit.  I felt myself get kind of panicked over knowing I needed to go to another one yesterday. I thought to myself, " I can't wait till all these doctor visits are over."  I felt my body relax back to normal for a second, and then I realized that I was just getting started.  My life is soon to be one huge doctor appointment, starting July 1st.  How will I be able to make this fun?  I will soon find out I am sure.  Instead of date night, I will have chemo night, radiation night, will D and I have fun?  I have to stop myself here, as I will of coarse have fun.  Fun just might be measured in a new way for a while.

Everyone is wondering when I am starting my treatment.  I have no idea.  I am thinking mid-July?  I will of coarse be posting more info when I know.