Morning tea

This just happened, and its kind of funny...kind of. So I thought I'd share it.

I am sitting here in my comfy chair, drinking my homemade chai (fresh tumeric root, ginger root, tons of cardamon, cinnamon sticks, and black tea) and I ran my hand through my hair. Its soft I thought. So soft. Then I found myself saying out loud, "Are you kidding? I did chemo. I lost all my hair. I did 11 chemo. Then I did 33 radiations? Seriously? I did that?"

Teenage Love

I finally gave in and started reading the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer. Life has come to a halt, and I can do nothing but read them. I feel like a teenager in Love again. Teen angst. I love it. I am devouring it. And I find myself walking around the house to D, saying "Bloodsuckers, come and make me immortal!!" Oh, I want to be bitten and live the life of a vampire too! I love the books so much, to my utter surprise, that I could wear a Twilight, bloodsucker wanna be T-shirt even. Its a hysterical, escape.

I am feeling much better today. I honestly for a few days there was an emotional wreck. Absolutely overwhelmed. I think my body is trying really hard to bleed right now, and the hormones are running rampant! The hot flashes have diminished and well..maybe its just be hoping? Who knows?? But I think I might be on to something.

Anyhoo, I am feeling "normal" again, and do not have tears streaming down my face. Not that I was uncontrollable, and crying out in public like I was a few months ago. I was just uncontrollable in my home. I only have two more radiations left. Going through the motions and then..wowzers! What to do? How to feel? What to think? What to say? How to feel? The whole thing. I am looking forward to a house sitting gig that starts the same day on the 29th of this month that my dear friend Angela is flying in. She'll be here for almost a week, and I am really excited to see her. Its perfect timing!!

Vashon, good friend, girl time, healing time, massage trades all day (she's a massage therapist too-well, she's almost done w/ accupuncture school as well), good food, talking, hand holding, walks, walks on the beach, dancing, what else is there she said! Its so true. Can't wait!!

Oncology Therapy

I have found a wonderful mental health, talky-talky therapist here in Seattle. Her name is Janet Abrams and she is wonderful. I have seen therapists off and on since I was a little girl, and I feel so blessed to have found her. When my mom first had her stroke, I went to see my first specialized therapist for Grief and he was mind-blowingly perfect for me. I learned a lot. The main lesson, and I know this is a deviated (steroids and all the energy and mind-altering deviations they give me) but the main lesson he taught me was that when I was with my mom, it wasn't about me. It wasn't about me needing to and trying to convey, fix, or repair anything. That work could be done in therapy, but what I needed to do was just be present with her and in the present. You know what I am saying? Am I saying this correctly. My mom deserved to have her kids usher her into the otherworld, and to allow her, her sacred rites of passage, of passing. Not me crying over all the hurtful stuff, things unsaid, but just loving. Being in the Love.
So, this grief therapists is sortof like Janet in that they specialize. I like specialists is what I am discovering through all this. My Grandad told me once, get really good at one thing, Heather.
I saw Janet a few weeks ago, and I wasn't on steroids. Today I walked in there, and it was very centering, healing, and opening to be me to see ME. She validated me. She understood how traumatic of a week I just had. Not that she has gone through it, but she has made Cancer, her lifes work. One thing that is really hard going through this is that no one truly "gets" what or where I am at. Or what I have/will/had had to go through. D surely doesn't get it. Which I get. I learned from my mom's passing, that until you lose a parent, it is very hard to be in a place of understanding. But of coarse, there is just being a simple caring soul who is there for someone.
And I get that. Lots of you, lots of the girls on the Triple Negative Breast Cancer Foundation site, friends, family, and my Keller Williams family are there for me. All asking me how I am doing. But unless you've gone through this you don't get it. So, I just cry. There is so much loneliness at a time when life is so full and feeling all that life is about. Such a contradictory journey.
Janet helped lead me to an understanding that I am different on the med's. I am pretty manic really. That was this morning a few hours after I took my med's. Now I am exhausted, barely able to keep my eyes open, on the coach, and will take them again tonight at 9.
At the base of all the "manic-ness" and all the anger, and all the crap, there sits sadness. Just blue, deep, dark, ocean blue with the foggiest, unknowns following it. Hovering over the sea with the heaviest rain falling. Just sad. There are a lot of tears to come. To heal. To come full circle again. I only have 16 radiation appointments left. And then, I can enter this place. Safely. The unknowns of life and my imminent time of departing this world can once again become part of a future time that won't be on my shoulder, cawing and scratching at my every move.

A little pink

Today's radiation marked the beginning of pink. I think it burned a little bit afterwards, but no big deal. I put on the Biafin and off I went. Life is incredibly hectic right now. I have a few realty deals going on, my massage practice, and just doing things again is a lot. My mind has caught up to the real world again, or should I say to this reality again. Where it has been was the real world as well. I am just glad to be done, or almost done with that world.
Tomorrow I am going to see an oncology therapist for the first time, I hope she is good. I have heard incredible things about her.
Life is weird now. I am 34, but have tons of those menopause things happening, and this morning I cried because I am so sad about it. It affects everything in my life right now.
I am overwhelmed and enjoying it.

selling more houses

Getting back to work has been a whirlwind. Yesterday was my first day that was like the old days, before cancer. I woke up, for my painful time of 8:15 radiation appointment. As soon as I got on my robe, they called my name. It couldn't have been better. Then I got home and showed houses to a few buyers I have until noon. Then I got on the ferry and went out to Vashon to do a few massages. Then I got back on the ferry, and showed a house until 7, and then went to my office and wrote up a deal, and had them sign it and got home at 9. Phew..It felt good, but I was shaky and a bit of a wreck.

I will take it easy for a while now. I am really looking forward to today. I have a continuing ed. class for massage from 9-5. The great part of taking a con. ed. class for massage is that you get massaged all day long. You have to learn on each other. Darn that!! I am really really looking forward to the class. It is a side-lying paraspinals and shoulders...mmmm...The owner of my massage school, Brian Utting is teaching the coarse, so I am really excited to study with him again. Its been 14 years.

I have officially finished my first full week of radiation and I am doing FANTASTIC!!! My Dad bet me a lunch if this wasn't a breeze for me. I told him I wouldn't bet him, but he'd be winning right now if I had. I am haphazordly using the Biafin, whenever I think of it. I will probably need to become a bit more routine with it next week. It seems like everyone says that you start feeling "it" the 2nd week. I did, by the 2nd day start feeling tired. And in fact every day after that had to take a nap during the day. Except yesterday, I just drank lots of coffee.

Off to make oatmeal, with cherries, for my big rough day ahead. I just don't know if I'll be able to handle laying on the massage table and having an accomplished massage therapist learning a new technique on me. Wish me luck. Luck that my drool will only fall when nobody is looking.hahha

Old people in robes

The waiting room for radiation makes me feel out of place, with the exception of one thing. I can look around and anyone in a robe, ask, " What kind of cancer do you have?" I have lots of emotions in there. One when I hear old people, like old.. Like super wrinkly and not able to update their own watches because they don't know how to or can't remember how to. So they come up to me and ask me to, when all I want to do is sit and think about myself and what I am doing to myself. It pisses me off that I am in there with a bunch of old people. None of them knowing how it is for me at my age to go through this. To them, who the hell knows. I don't know what its like for them, and I honestly do not have the patience, the humor, or the grace right now to try to understand what its like to get cancer and try to fight it when you just have years left.
The kind girl in me, and the adult woman in me knows that this anger isn't really angry at them. I am just angry, and pissed. So, I try to not talk to them. I am sure over the next 6 weeks this anger will pass. And I can see the truth that we are just people trying to live, trying to buy ourselves time. Me, probably more time then them.
Yesterday, I almost started to cry when I got on my robe and sat in the chair and waited to be called. It was just us ladies, and we all had gone through our various treatments. I being the newbie, didn't know any of them, but they all said hi to one another. You see, you go at the same time every week, so there begins to be a connection to the other people in robes. For a moment, this room reminded me of a women's sweat lodge. All the emotional baggage we can bring along with us in our daily lives, all our grief, all our saddness, all our joy, and share it with one another in chanting or song, or story. And this last one is what it felt like. We all had a story, a horrendous story, and we all shared a similar thread. I couldn't help but breath deeply as this experienced washed over me.
Touched so deeply, and finally around my kind.
I haven't cried on the radiation table the past few days. Once they position me, so that my tattoos line up with the red laser beams, the treatment itself is just about four minutes. Tops. My skin is still doing great, three treatments down, only thirty left. As my best friend Gen said today, you're an eleventh of the way done! I loved her optimism. I am using a topical treatment called Biafin. Not sure what if anything it is doing but I am using it.
I am starving right now. I have a quick eye surgery at 2:30 today, and since I am going to see an athenthsiologist, I haven't been able to eat since 6 AM. I am really hoping this does the trick. Yesterday, I gardened outside and the cold just makes my left eye tear up so badly that it is hard to garden and wipe my eyes at the same time and not get dirt in my eye. For those of you out there that have this same problem, I would tell you that Dr. Heffernan is incredible and a joy to be around. You should get this surgery done.

Party is coming to an end

My last radiation planning appointment is this morning, after my teeth cleaning. When you are getting chemo you can't get your teeth cleaned because of all the germs that get flung around in your mouth. Before I started back in late June I got my teeth cleaned, so I am very excited to get them done again. I can't remember if I posted this or not, but the other day on of my molars just decided it was done and so the front of it exploded when I was eating bread. Luckily it was just one part and I only needed a filling.
I am feeling anxious about the radiation. I am sick of everyone telling me its no big deal. How the hell does everyone know that? I have heard very unpleasant stories, and stories that it was harder than chemo, so this statement drives me even more crazy. I hope that I am fine and I hope that it isn't a big deal, but who knows. I mean, please it is RADIATION. Its not like I am just going to pop myself into a tanning bed for quick ten minute tan up. I am choosing to get radiated. My radiation oncologist said that not much of my lung is involved which is great.
Today I need to fill my prescripstion for the Biofin, I think that is what you call it. I have heard wonders about this, wonders about lots of stuff. My Rad. Onc. said really who knows if any of it works, and who's to say the skin wouldn't heal just the same without it. I am nearing the end of treatment.
The other day my Triple Negative friend found out a year and a half out that her cancer migrated to her brain. I am devastated by this news. Sad because she was told she only has two years left, sad that breast cancer sucks, sad that each breast cancer survivor especially the triple negative has a high reoccurance/migration stage the first three years. JUST SAD.
How the hell did the TN live through all the chemo and radiation? It stays small for a year and a half and then wham, there you are showing up, lite up in an MRI in the brain.
So, for all those that didn't think I had anything to worry about, and why wasn't I happier when I found out I was only a stage 1, there is your answer, another answer, another reason.
Is that for the rest of my life, and for the next three years, when I I am all done with treatment and I get to start counting my three year mark, I will have the potential of this on my shoulders. She was given just two years. I hope she is around to at least be there for her little girl when she starts her moon.

A Whirlwind

This week was insanely fun. For the medical stuff, I think it was thursday..I can't remember, I got my radiation tatoos. There are three tiny little marks they made around my breast. It was not fun. They used a black permaenant marker and made three different X's on me. Now remember, I am the girl that when I go into see a show does not allow someone to put a stamp on my wrist because I worry about the ink getting into me. So the stinky marker was used and then they took calligraphy ink and put a big dot of that in the center of the X's and then the nurse took a tiny needle/torture divice and in a screwing back and forth motion worked this needle into my chest. Done, I know have three little tatooed freekle markes on my chest. Spelling is not happening this morning. Ugh!

I feel great, my legs are still pretty swollen and I think that I feel water in my lungs. Who knows. I will see my Onc sometime this coming week. Luckily this week isn't as busy as last. I did 15 massages in 5 days, had two days off to see doc's ect, and I put a house on the market. And it sold, or should I say Pending Inspection in 5 days. The number 5 was a reoccuring theme for me last week. Like maybe I should have stopped and counted to five..hahaha

I had two interviews for publication about this journey. One for the Seattle Woman's Mag on genetic testing, and you all know what an advocate I am for this testing. And then last night I spoke to a college journalist student, and I think she is writing a story/paper on me. The wind is howling outside, and I am really excited about that.

Totally Annoyed

Well...I went to see my Onc today, and sure enough the lining around my lungs have a minute amount of water around them, and I've gained 3 pounds in a few days since I last saw him. My ankles/legs are way more swollen this evening then they have been in a while. I am totally annoyed, exhausted, and ready for this to be over. I have another eccho tomorrow to see how my heart is doing, and I can guarentee that there is water around it. It feels weird to bend over, its hard to differentiate between my heart and lungs, all I know is that my guts feel weird.
My Onc is not concerned right now, and so i am not as well. Yeah, right! I just want to be fine, I just want to start my damn rads and be done with this. I asked him today if this could be something I might have to deal with for the rest of my life because maybe my systems got messed up with the chemo, and he said he didn't think so. He thinks that it might just be that my body needs more time to heal, or it might be a virus. He told me to keep working, to keep walking, and to keep doing whatever I am doing. I am fine. We'll know more tomorrow. I feel fine, really I do. I am not trying to talk myself into anything. I DO however, feel kind of depressed with the news that there is more water around my lungs.
I feel like I was told I had to run five miles, and I had it in me to just do that. I ran the freakin' five miles, and I can't do anymore. I am done. I want a massage, and to drink some water, and then eat a really good meal. I don't want to have to run another three miles. I want to be DONE!! Of coarse we all know that I have it in me to do more, and we all have it in us to dig deep and do more, I just am hoping I don't have to.
What I would love to happen, is that there is no water around my heart, and that my Onc and my Onc Radiologist tells me this week that I am allowed to start my rads next Monday and that i am done with all this crap by Mid-April!!!!!!!!! Lets cross our fingers that this is the case.

Okay, the TV junkie is me is off to watch the Bachelor and to put my feet up.

Stinky breath dreams

Last night I kept having dreams of running into people and scaring them away with my bad breath. I haven't gotten a toothbrush here yet, so I woke up and asked my nurse for a toothbrush and paste. Nothing is better than having fresh breath!
My Onc just came in and spoke with me. He said that if I am feeling more out of breath that I needed to stay in here. But like I told him, the best place for me to know if I am feeling out of breath is home. Since my toilet here in the hospital in just steps away, its hard to measure with that. He also said that once i get home if my legs start swelling more, if I get out of breath more, or if I start feeling bad to call him immediately. He has said a few times to me, that this could get worse before I get better.
So, I am letting D sleep (he went to a show last night and got home in the 2 amish) so I am letting him sleep, and then will call him around 9 to pick me up.
I am going to have another Eccho on Tuesday or Wed. to see if there is more fluid in there. I asked if I have to wait on this to clear before radiation and he said yes. So, it looks like I'll have more of a break than just a few weeks. And it also means that we can't even go to Vancouver island for a weekend trip or go home to Seaside, because I need to be around my doc's. I asked, because i've been doing lots of research on line about pericarditis, which is what I have. And asked my Onc if I could get congestive heart failure, and he said yes. That is scary. The reason I could get it is that if the liquid continues to increase it squeezes my heart more and that is what would cause it. But he said that if I keep them well posted with how I feel and with the eccho's this shouldn't happen. Because if more liquid gets in there, they'll tap it out. Which I am sure if there is more in there, I'll be begging them to do it. My chest is already so tight, and it feels so hard to breath, that more tightness sounds very uncomfortable.
No more hospital food, thank God. I am now taking away my earlier statement that I liked the food here. I think I was just excited that I wasn't going to have to cook it myself, go grocery shopping, ect.. That was it I am sure. Because all I want is oatmeal and eggs on toast!!

Gearing up

I feel good today, phew! Yesterday, I remembered how my whole life I used to go up any kind of stair. I always, always skipped one and lept to the one above. It was always a fun little thing I did. I can't even remember the last time I had the energy to do that. There is no way I could do that now. I get out of breath simply making the bed now. I sit down, afterwards and feel my heart just thumping away. I only have three more weeks, and after wednesday, only two more treatments left. I can't wait. I am in a little time bubble now, and will be done with it soon. I can't wait. I spoke with a fellow survivor today, and she told me that she worked out the whole time she did radiation. I really liked that she told me that because I've heard so many daunting stories lately of how hard other's rads have been.
I am going to try to go to the gym everyday before my radiation, and then go to the appointment and then go home and go to sleep. Or maybe I won't be really tired, and I'll be okay. I'll just have to wait and see. But regardless, I can't wait to start working out again. At this point just being on a treadmill and walking will be a work out. My back will be happy about that.
Tomorrow is D's birthday and I am hoping to drive to the store to get his cake ingrediants. It is really snowy here, and in West Seattle the streets are really bad. D told me I'm not allowed to drive today, but its pretty sunny and the streets look like they are drying up. And I have a cake to make!! He loves carrot cake so that is what it'll be.
I love baking!!

Winter break

It sure has been nice having a break. This break, unlike last time doesn't feel like a break though. For some reason, maybe my body thinks it had chemo, but I feel like I have those same flu like symptoms. I feel 75% like Heather. Because I had eye surgery I can't do any strenuous activities. I sortof wish I could go for a run. But then again, I don't feel well. The flu is going around, but I am not throwing up nor do I have a fever. D thinks it just that my blood counts are low.
Thanksgiving was great. My mother in law, Brianna came and we cooked all day. I made three pies, cranberries, stuffing, and the turkey. She made her famous sweet potatoes, mashed potatoes, and we together tackled the gravy. Which wasn't a hit this year, D thought Brianna and I didn't like it either so he threw it out. I am still in disbelief and whenever we eat left overs, I say ,"I wish I had the gravy." He threw out turkey day gravy!!
My body feels an over all exhaustion at this point. My muscles all are sore and tired, as if I exercised all day long the day before. My fingers are still very achy and if I extend my fingers out, they hurt like the nail beds are being lifted off. So my fingers are in a constant curl. I cannot take off my socks without a lot of pain. My taste buds are gone. And I have sores in my throat and nose still. I am listing all these symptoms because I am hoping for a break from one of them during this winter break. Its already Saturday, so my hoping is getting less and less.
I am now set, unless there is another set back, to be done on New Years eve. When you're all out whooping it up, I am going to be getting chemo. And I will be whooping it up that I am done with this leg of the journey. I am nervous about radiation. A few women I have talked to say that it was the hardest part of the treatment for them. But that was for them and maybe it will be easy for me. Regardless, even if its the hardest part, I will only have six weeks, every day of it, but still only six weeks, and I can count each day down.

Wrap my brain around what?

My web of life is spinning in a new direction today, at least my mind would like me to believe this.  Today, I caution myself to again stay in the present moment as now, I am wondering about the future again.  This future that I wonder/worry about is one that belittles the very fact that I had breast cancer removed from my breast.  Since its not in my nodes, I find myself lessening the fact that I have/had breast cancer.  I feel like I am in an in between state.  Do I have breast cancer in my body anywhere else?  Isn't that why I need to do chemo and radiation?  If I don't and my Doc's knew that for sure, then I wouldn't need to do any other treatments.  Which brings me back to the present moment of forcing myself to wait until I see my Oncologist on the 8th.  I will then sit down and listen to his treatment plan.  

I guess the part of me that wants to make me not having breast cancer a big deal is the part of me that is still in shock.  Shock that I had it in my breast first of all, and secondly, that it isn't in my nodes.  Why was that one so huge, I wonder?  I just have to not minimize it at this point.  I have to keep saying out loud to myself, so that I can believe that its true.  I find myself still saying to D, to my sis, to my friend Gen, to anyone, "Can you believe I have breast cancer?"  The question no one will ever know, is if "It" was "All" cutout the other day, or if I in fact do have breast cancer cells elsewhere, and yes, it will be good that I do the treatment to kill those little avengers.  

Thinking all day about this

I want this blog to touch peoples hearts, to bring awareness, and to keep my loved ones in touch with my journey.  That being said, my earlier post today was one that I did not write but I found on another survivor's blog.  It is negative.  It is intense, and it may very well make many of you that do not belong to this club think that I am heading in a wrong direction with my healing.  I chose to post this, first and foremost because it is how I feel.  I have had many things said to me on this short time on my journey that hurt because people care and want to ask things.  But the questions are so insensitive.  So I posted this to help protect me from questions that are NOT needed nor helpful.  To be helpful to you all that are in my daily life wether it be in person or in email. 

Everything is uncomfortable.  My life is on hold, and I get to watch from a distant room everyone living their lives, fretting over all of their goals being met or not.  I can feel peoples fears now more than ever.  And it causes these uncomfortable questions from pouring out of their mouths.

I know I will be okay, wether I make it through this or I find myself coming into this world as a new little being with new parents, I will be OKAY.  Life is beautiful.  I am blessed to have such a wonder filled adventurous life so far.  I have LIVED and LOVED deeply.  I am not scared about my journey or how hard it will be because I have so much love and support around me. Although this changes from second to second.  Yes, to answer many of these questions, I am scared, so badly that I have to force myself probably 40 times a day to not think about it, otherwise it becomes debilitating. 

I felt like it was important to add this post because as of about two weeks ago I got SICK of hearing everyone TELL me I am going to be okay (just as sure of themselves as if before I got cancer, if I had asked if they thought I had cancer, they'd all say NO; well guess what, that was wrong), especially if I kept a good attitude.  Attitude has nothing to do with this.  And it has everything to do with this.  I guess I posted this to help protect me when and IF I get really ill from Chemo and people ask me questions that hurt and I don't have the energy to nicely respond.  This sounds so melodramatic, and I've resisted saying this but, I am going to be fighting for my life.  And it is insulting to me to have everyone tells me I am going to be okay.  Like I shouldn't go through this horrific experience of treatment and just trust blindly that I will be Okay.  

No one knows if I am going to be okay.  That is why I have to do Chemo and Radiation, for a long time.  No one knows 100%.  But what feels good is when people ask me, "what can I do?"  or any uplifting, " Your a fighter, you have strength."  Oh!  I just thought of a good one.  It's kind of like if your little son/daughter was about to play a game of baseball.  You wouldn't say, "You are going to do Okay."  You'd say ( or at least I would say), " Go get 'em tiger!  You have a slammin' swing."  Or, "You can catch every fly ball." 

Just being real with me.  Imagine you puking in a toilet bowl and what would you want someone to say to you?  I would like someone to say, "Here is a warm cloth to wipe your face with."  So, that is why I posted someone else's thoughts as they are how I feel at times.  I just want to help you all be kind and thoughtful with your comments or questions or concerns as I KNOW you WANT TO BE.  I mean really, if you haven't had someone with cancer in your life, how do you know what to say?  I sure didn't when my friend Jody was going through this with her mom.  I sure wish and regret I was there more for her.  I love you Jodster!!

Happy Solstice

One of the best things I do for myself is force myself from my fuzzy flannel sheets when I cannot sleep.  Since I've found out I have cancer, my sleep can become all about the fury of Breast Cancer. All the questions start piling on top of one another and soon my heart is pounding and I start getting so anxious.  The best thing I do for myself is get out of bed.  Luckily I love to write, so this is my only way of talking about all the hard stuff.  I can talk to D about anything, but there are only so many times I can talk about a port-a-cath to him.  I layed in bed this morning imagining that port-a-cath's tail being like a scorpion's tale to my heart and started panicking.  What if it hurts my heart?  What if it does start to hurt me and I can't get to the emergency room fast enough?  Do you know what this tells me, in the middle of my slumber?

To get out of bed, write about my fears, and then read about my fears.  Ignorance is a bad thing for me.  I have now turned my soon to be implanted port-a-cath into a scorpion's tale!!  Oh, I feel better now, I am laughing out loud.  Well, quietly it is 2 am and D needs to sleep.

I am so excited it is summer, as of almost three hours ago.  I wonder if I'll be able to go to my favorite little beach in Leschi this summer to lay out and listen to the little ripples of Lake Washington?  Will a sun tan be okay?  Will the chemo make my skin sensitive to the sun and may I burn more?  So many questions?  My Oncologist must get some pretty wacked out ones?Like my panic with the port-a-cath.  I am going to have to make it my friend.  Okay, that's it.  I am going to have to welcome it to my body.  It is going to save my little veins from being poked and prodded over and over again.  It will save them from getting burnt from the chemo.  It is my little helper.  I wonder what I  will call it?  One young survivor told me she called hers "Alien".  She made a joke to the surgeon once all her treatment was done, a year later, "Okay, now is your time to put anything else in me!  Are you sure there is nothing else?"  

Oh, boy!  I surely have no idea what is in store for me.  Yesterday was another doctor's visit.  I felt myself get kind of panicked over knowing I needed to go to another one yesterday. I thought to myself, " I can't wait till all these doctor visits are over."  I felt my body relax back to normal for a second, and then I realized that I was just getting started.  My life is soon to be one huge doctor appointment, starting July 1st.  How will I be able to make this fun?  I will soon find out I am sure.  Instead of date night, I will have chemo night, radiation night, will D and I have fun?  I have to stop myself here, as I will of coarse have fun.  Fun just might be measured in a new way for a while.

Everyone is wondering when I am starting my treatment.  I have no idea.  I am thinking mid-July?  I will of coarse be posting more info when I know.      

Sunny Days

I have been feeling so good and healthy the last few days.  It is so weird to me that I feel healthy but this cancer is quietly so quietly killing my body.  What is even weirder is that I have to for the first time in my life make myself sick to make myself healthy again.  I keep waiting to start spontaneously blowing chunks or to start loosing tons of weight or just a sign that I am not well. But there are no signs.  My friend Gen said to me when I first got diagnosed, "When you scan your body can you feel the cancer?"  Great question because normally we can do that.  Its a silent killer this guy.  How bizarre.  

So the impending chemotherapy and radiation treatments are ahead a few weeks and I have right now to feel awesome.  And I do.  All day D and I were out in the sun tooling around hand in hand.  We went to the Tacoma Art Museum and then took the Vashon Ferry over to have lunch, and then drove home.  Our summer is going to soon be full of doctor appointments and a frame of mind that now I am trying to get ingrained in my and our heads.  It is that I have never wanted to be a victim of anything in this life.  I truely believe that I have the power to make anything be positive and if not than I fall into the victim role.  I am going to learn about myself in a deeper way, and am going to look deep into the meaning of life for me, and when anything gets hard for me I want to remind myself that we found it, we found it early.  And that I have the chance to kill this silent killer that once stalked me unknowingly.  And it is a good day.  It is a good day as I am alive and I am fighting a fight and I am going to make it.  

I spoke with a long time friend the other day that almost a decade ago was diagnosed with tongue cancer.  She has had a long battle with this disease as it goes away and comes back, goes away and comes back.  She explained to me that she is living with a chronic disease.  She remarked that it is only my first two weeks, and I am being so positive.  I told her that is all we have.  If not than I fall into the fear.  If all I have is two more years I want those two years to be full of love and of light and of me digging deeper into myself than I ever have.  I don't want to miss any opportunity to love in a deeper way.  So, yes this has been only two weeks in about five hours, but I get to stretch myself in new and exciting ways.

Today I am getting appointments made with my new Cancer specializing ND to help with any adjuvant therapies that are out there and also with a dietician so that I am eating all the right things through this process.  It is another sunny day here in Seattle, and I am going to go take a walk.  

My new club that you can't belong to!!

I guess the best place to start is to explain what started this whole thing, but first want to say that all my posts won't be this long. 

 One day about a month ago I found a lump.  Never in my mind did I actually believe I had Breast Cancer.  My mom and sisters all have/had lumpy breast and so that is how mine are.  Instead of making an appointment with my regular ND, I went to see a new MD.  She said not to worry, but anytime she had any hesitation she sent the woman off to Swedish's Comprehensive Breast Center.  Two weeks out, and I wasn't all that worried. All of my family and friends were all saying not to worry, "Its just a cyst."  I was joking around with everyone about it, and the worst case scenarios, throwing my life around as I didn't realize what NOT A JOKE this was soon to be.   

The folks at the Comprehensive Breast Center were great.  I said goodbye to my husband, as I got to walk into the world of woman in robes waiting to see a Doc.  We all just looked at each other in that warm room with suddenly unimportant magazines about what clothes are cool right now.  My husband said that he sat in his room with a bunch of scared men that he was totally thinking, he wasn't part of this club either.  My appointment seemed to get a little scarier when after the Ultrasound & Mammogram I was asked to sit in a little room.  I asked, "Is this the not so great room, should I get my husband?"  They let him come back with me.  The Doc told me she wasn't certain either way, and wanted to get  what's called a Core Biopsy.  She also asked me if I wouldn't mind getting a tag implanted into my breast, just in case in the future I needed surgery.  That didn't go so well. 

 This was the first time that I medically (and I didn't realize it until now) got to make a decision about my little body that I would have NEVER considered, and I didn't for too long.  I told her, "No way" was I going to have someone put some foreign thing in me.  If I got Breast Cancer then we'll go to those drastic measures.  That was on a Wednesday, results take 2-3 days, so I had to wait until Monday.  This was the weekend I started practicing becoming a Yogi, and I hadn't realized it yet.  We went to the Hoh Rain Forest and the little lovely town of Forks (there are good things about it, like the ocean and the forests).  This was just the trip we both needed.  Even last night when we couldn't sleep, we both remarked that the Ocean's beaches of this area is what was helping us to relax.  Anyways, so here came Monday.  The call, " Heather, unfortunately you do have Breast Cancer.  You need to come down here right now.  We have an opening just for you at 3."  

I just couldn't believe it.  In one moment Our Lives had Changed.  We both got dressed in a fury, and numbly walked into a new Zone.  When we first met we used to call it The Zone.  We'd just look into each other's eyes and suddenly our spirits would start flying in a reality that seemed to only exist with each other.  Now, I was experiencing this but in not a loving way.  In a Twilight Zone way.  My husband, (from now on will be named D for short) "Okay, we don't know anything.  Let's not panic.  We just know you have Breast Cancer," says D.  Right, we don't know." As we got to the front desk, I was hit so hard.  I couldn't talk.  I just started crying.  This was the first time I was about to utter the words of cancer and my name.  The lady was so sweet.  Saying to me calming and caring words.  Words I simply cannot remember now.  I got the strength to say, because it was important so important for me to say what I had to say.  " Hi, my name is Heather __ and I was just told I have Breast Cancer."  Phew!  It was true, and I said it.  I think D new that I needed to say this.  He gave me a Kleenex and walked with me to start filling out all the paperwork.  

We met with my Doc, she was going to be my Surgeon they told me.  I found her to be incredibly confident, a wonderful communicator, personal, trustworthy, and again confident.  For the first time in my medical history, there was no feeling of being rushed in there.  She made us feel like we were the center of the world and took lots of time with us.  Even as I just sat there and wept, I just couldn't believe it.  This was so much to take on within a few hours.  The team at the Comprehensive Breast Center Rock!!  I left there not floundering at all, and had the miraculous experience of having all my Scans scheduled for me, this week to boot!  I left there totally knowing, if I chose to stay with them that I was going to see my Oncologist on Monday and have surgery on Friday the 12th.  Incredible!  We felt completely deflated as we left, but for the first time empowered with the information we needed to start doing our own research.

We got home and just cried.  There are no words to express this than utter despair.  Shock.  Disbelief, why me, why you.  The Why's started to kick in.  So we started cleaning the house, both of us.  Taking control of what we could, and started kicking around those why's and how is this possible.  

For those of you who don't know me, I am a bit of a Health Fanatic.  I love to fast, eat only Organic everything, exercise, love yoga, I mean I love to be healthy.  I took this approach since the age of 17.  On my own, I worked at a health food store in Kodiak, AK and started learning about my new life path.  One of healing my body and one of being a Healer.  I got my first massage from a co-worker.  As this massage was happening, I heard a whisper in my ear, a calling I was soon to realize, that I was to not go to College, but instead go to Massage School.  I looked up thinking that maybe she- the massage therapist had whispered this, but no she was down at my feet.  I have been a Healer since 1994, and have even studied Cancer Massage.  Since a few of my clients had/was going through this journey.  I loved working with these woman.  Their range of motion wasn't so great in their little arms and they had lymphadema.  My massages really helped them and that is what my life is all about.  So, how could it be that I am now part of this club.  As D put it, " A club you didn't want to belong to."  I corrected him,    " A club we didn't want to belong to."

As I am feeling, hearing, and reading, this Cancer thing affects everyone in our family.  We are ALL living with Cancer now.  Not only has our marriage come from 3 (each of us representing ourselves, and a 3rd-the spirit of our marriage) but now, I feel on an energetic level a 4th spirit, kindof like a ghost in the room that is now claiming its presence.  We need to call Ghost Busters!!  So, where was I.  Yeah, yeah, the picture of health.  Seriously.  The picture of FREAKIN HEALTH.  What more could I have done. Seriously.  I can't remember who now, but one of you Angels said to me, " Heather, there is nothing more you could have done.  You couldn't have been better.  You couldn't have done anything different.  You did everything your supposed to do."  

Enough of the self-indulgent behaviour!  We both needed to start telling our parents and siblings and dear friends.   That is when the tears really started to spill.  Disblief, sheer and utter disbelief.  But now Support.  At some point we went to bed, crying and trying to start finding the postitives in a sea of unknowns.   I woke up at my now new time, 5 AM.  It seems that this is the time that my mind starts to race and I start thinking not positively so I get up, and START DOING STUFF (heres that D in me not my husband, but as in DISC profiling).  I emailed everyone that I knew could help me with the new daunting task of finding the best Doc's.   I then went back to sleep and was awoken by a call from a Dear Friend Steve.  He is an amazing athlete, a so far 2 time oh, heck what is that crazy race he does.  The one that would kill me, the one that takes almost 3/4 of a day to complete, the uhh..IRONMAN!! That's it.  He literally (as if I was trying to run the race next to him) grabbed the back of my neck as I was crouched down in almost a fetal position, and stood me up.  And looked me in the eye and said, "We are just getting started here, friend.  Gather your strength, let's get going.  You can do this."  I told him to call in the horses, I mean Calvary and he started Networking like all extraordinary Networkers do.  

Steve asked if I was going to get a second opinion.  I was so exhausted, my spirit was exhausted.  For those of you that don't know me I like to think of myself as 2 animals, Tiger from Winnie the Pooh and a Hummingbird.  I love to do as many things I can at once, I love to be busy.  But this was gone, momentarily.  So, I said no.  They know what it is.  I have decided now my second opinion will come in the form of my treatment.  

Jumping ahead, Tuesday the day after being diagnosed, was spent with my phone and laptop on me at all times.  You little worker bees!  I will tell you that I have not felt so Support and Love as I have in one day as this day.  Except the day I got married.  Slowly, D and I got pumped up more and more.  As you all, started resourcing for me.  Everyone that said what can I do, just let me know.  I said, " I need to find the best Doc's in this city.  Not that other's aren't but, I wanted to know who everyone has gone to.  My little list was being made.  Soon, I found 3 Docs names that kept coming around and around.  I want to mention here, that there are a lot of Best Docs but I wanted the ones that have been doing this a LONG time, and that is what I needed.  So yesterday (Wednesday), I called the Breast Place and told them, " I am calling to break up with you guys."  It truely felt/feels this way.  I know that everyone supports me making my own health care decisions but I had a connection with these folks and I knew I was with good hands. But for those of you that don't know me, I am a little Type A and in DISC a D.  Okay, I hate to say it, but here it goes, alright... yes, I am a bit of a Control Freak.  

  I needed to know that if it(breast cancer) comes back for a 2nd visit, that D and I can look into each other's eyes and say that I did everything I could.  I saw everyone I could, and should've and I would more importantly have no regrets.  So the KICK ASS ROCK STAR team was formed through the help of a few Key Players, calling these Docs and getting me in.  I am not going to mention anyone's names as I do not want the other KICK ASS Doc's being thought of as not good.  This was just my team that I needed.  I feel that My Angels brought them to me. Thank you Angels, as you know who you are.

So yesterday, was the Team Together day, YEAH!! and my first day of Scans.  I got to have a Bone Scan.  I am excited to get these results as its my little body and I have absolutely no control over the fact that either the Cancer has or hasn't gone anywhere else.  This is going to either way be a fact, and I will face those challenges when I face the.  So, D and I go into the little room that they will soon inject me with RadioIsotopes AKA F18.  I looked him in the eye and we both had a little psychic moment.  We both new that in no possible way would I have EVER  in a million years agreed to allowing someone to pollute my body with Radiation.  The Doc said that it similar to what I would get if I had flown to NY.  I said, " Can I fly to NY instead."  We all knew it wasn't like that.  My tongue a day later can tell you it isn't the same.  I have a nice Metallic taste, mmm...

Before I go, I want to say how we are.  We are only surrounding and reaching out to folks that are seriously not giving us any Negative energy in the tiniest amount.  I am going to not only make it through this, but I am going to be transformed and am looking forward to my new growth in every aspect.  I believe I am on this earth to GROW and I have attacked my life thus far in this fashion.  I am opening my heart to a new path as a Healer whatever may come.  I feel that suddenly I am a Yogi.  For years meditation has been nearly impossible for me, as I am a little Hummingbird.  But I feel a new animal coming into my life.  I and We are only being in the Present.  I know we all know its important to do.  But now it is all there is.  No looking ahead at things we do not know if I even need to think about.  Like a wig.  Like maybe just I'll be bald.  Because I may not need Chemo.  If I do, I will get to cross that path.  So, if anyone does comment, please do not go ahead.  Practice with us, simply being in the moment as that is all we all EVER REALLY HAVE.  Lots of love and light and tears and love to you.