trickling back to life

Most of the time, I feel like I am back to "life". I have been pretty upset the past few weeks, emotionally. Not for any other reason that just coming to grips with the fact that I "got" breast cancer. I am trying to not dwell on the fact that my period hasn't returned yet, but this is upsetting. There are lots of things that are upsetting.
But there are a lot of things that are positive. For instance, morning, I had radiation #11, so only 22 left. I saw my eye doc again, and he said in surgery they found a bunch of little obstructions. My eye isn't tolerable yet to me, so we may have a few other options in a few weeks to discover. I am now eating vegetarian. My Onc says he doesn't care what I eat. My ND that focuses just on cancer says only red meat once a month. And most of the literature I read says that I need to not eat red meat, as it turns carcinogenic in the body. So. Diet is one of three things I can control.
#1 Diet
#2- Exercise

Which leads me to my other positive so far in the day, is that I started running again. I started lifting weights and walking last week. And today, I walked a 1/2 mile to the beach, ran I think 3/4 of a mile, and walked back up the hill doing lots of lunges to my home. I feel great.

and the
#3 is attitude. Of coarse. This one makes me angry because I had a really good attitude before cancer. I never dwelt on getting cancer or even thought of it. So this one pisses me off. LIke my attitude is going to keep cancer away. Well, who knows if it will or not. So, I am going to opt to try to get back to the attitude of not thinking about "getting" cancer again.

Last week I saw my first mental health Oncology Therapist. I basically cried the whole time I was in there. Literally. I am sure she clincally diagnosed me as "depressed". I think I might be. Or maybe I'm not. Maybe I am hormonal with lots of those changes, since I don't have my period. Or maybe its because I am overwhelmed with emotions because of what I have had to face in such a short period of time or maybe its because I had to face it at all.
I told my eye doctor today that I just want to be a normal 33 year old girl again. I really do. I want to bleed every month, I want to get hormonal achne again, I just want to not have my world be full of hot flashes, and doctor appointments. My friend Gen is in Eugene visiting her boyfriend for the next month and my sister lives there, and she's pregnant. I want to go visit them, but I can't because I have doctor appointments every freakin' day.
Did i mention how incredible my body feels right now? I just ate a delicious salad had some "Veggie Delight" on the side (look it up for those of you that don't know it) and my spirit feels pretty good right now.

Yoga

I jumped over a hurdle yesterday, one that I've been scared to do, but I did it. I went to my first yoga class that cancerlifeline(.org) offers. It was in West Seattle at the 8 limbs studio. I was scared to feel my pain, my sadness, to be silent and listen to my heart, my feelings, my spirit. My spirit that doesn't change, that hasn't changed, that no one or nothing can change, my resilient self, and be with her. And I knew there was a lot of grieving in this place. Before I went I spoke with my friend Gen, and I said something about me being changed, a different person. And she said tentatively, not really, you're still the same. And I am. And I am not. There is the new normal, or the new me, that Survivors speak of. And I agree. And yesterday in yoga, I got to disagree too. I'll get to that moment in a second..But first
I had to walk in to the class. Up three flights of stairs, I was tired by the time I got up there. I was the only one there for a few minutes and was worried the class was not going to happen. But then the teacher came. As I introduced myself and she asked questions about my journey, I told her that I hadn't wanted to be in touch with myself since I was diagnosed. And I was going to probably cry a lot through the class. She told me that was totally fine, and to do whatever I needed to do. Some people even sleep, she said.
Sure enough, as I layed on my mat (my own mat that was being newly christened) in a room of other women that all had had cancer or were care-givers. We have all been affected by cancer. And I just bawled. I sobbed. I breathed, and sobbed. I dabbed my tears, and sobbed some more. "Heather, there you are." There you are sweet one. I was so sad. I have gone through so much, in such a little amount of time. So, we did a relaxation technique and the gentle yoga made my muscles quiver and shake as they remembered that they are supposed to be long and lean, not taught and bound. Opening, my muscles, my heart, my soul, my child in me, my scared adult, my fear, my love, my future, my present.
The one thing that drove me a little crazy was that the teacher through the entire class spoke, and she spoke of being present, and not thinking in the future. And this probably was helpful for the care givers in the class. But to me, I thought, how could a Survivor get through what we have to get through if she isn't living in the present. My yoga class was a world of difference for this one reason. I think I have really learned and gotten closer to reaching the idea of being in the present. I wanted to tell the teacher this. To tell her that she was putting fear in the room by talking about not being in the future and not worrying about the future. But I didn't. Her words got me out of the present, and so I was able to stop crying, and I just pretended that I was in a room with someone that was trying to brain wash me and I wasn't listening to her anymore. I just sank deeper into my own breath and my own stretching.
As my little body moved with the ebb and flow of my breath, I found that the fear that resided in the idea that I've heard over and over, that I will be a different person, I decided that was a bunch of balony. I am not a different person. I am still Heather, just a Heather that has grown into a deeper place of spiritual deepness. One that has had to learn to open when I didn't think I could open anymore, and be still when I didn't think I could ever be that still, and I got to grab tightly to Heathers hand yesterday. Soon, before I know it, I will be up and running again.

Down with AC

Yippee! I am so happy that I am finally done, for the rest of my life, with Adriamycin!! No more, and done with Cytoxan! Thrilled. I have been really emotional the past few days. I don't know what is about going to the PCC but I always have a little cry when I am done. This morning, I woke up and cried too. I have moments of disbelief still. I just can't believe it. It, being the simple, very simple truth that I got cancer. I no longer have cancer, it was taken out of me, but just the fact that it grew in the first place. I feel this crazy healthy person rising inside me, and I know that when I am done with this freakin' nightmare of a treatment, or as my Oncologist likes to refer to it, precautionary clean up, I am going to REALLY take care of myself. Not just as in food, but in every aspect of my life. I am going to make sure that I am happy and that I am living and doing what it is the way I want, because life is too short to not live this way.
There will be major changes. But honestly these changes have already begun, they're in the works right now. There is so much to change because of my growth. The growth I guess is what makes me cry, and made me cry today. Its painful.

I get to ask myself each day, "Is this the kind of woman I want to be?"

Triple Negative

I am scared today.  There are a few different kinds of breast cancer, and the kind I have is called Triple Negative.  They don't know what it feeds on and because of this they don't have anything other than chemo to treat it with.  I am scared that mine won't respond to the chemo.  I am afraid that it will come back.  If it does come back, which my TN have the highest 2 year recurrence rate, chemo probably won't work.  See, the other cancer's can be scary too.  Her2Nu grows/feeds off of the growth hormone, which makes it a faster grower, than Triple Negative.  But the Doc's have found that a adjuvant therapy of Herceptin works to keep that hormone level low.  Or if you have a positive tumor for either Estrogen or Progesterone than they'll give you some other drug to keep those levels down.  You would steer clear from foods that have a lot of Estrogen in them, ect.  

But I don't have anything like that.  Its chemo, Baby!  And that is it.  I am scared.  I don't want to keep telling D how scared I am because he is scared.  He has to shut down a little because its just to much.  It is too much to live in the future and to worry right now.  I just keep hearing my Oncologist say two things, #1, " We just know your cancer is bad, real bad." #2, "That's bullshit, and cancer is curable."  So, they are the opposites sides of the bar and I feel helpless.  *ucking helpless.  I am scared, I could cry, but D just walked by.  I need to stay in the present moment and just whistle along, D's whistling right now, and let go.  There is absolutely nothing I can do, so back to what Dad says, "Worrying isn't going to change a thing."  Or my friend Sarah writes in a song, "Why worry, when you can pray."  Worry?  Because I could die from this.  I could.  

I think the shock is wearing off.  I am in the angry stage right now.  A stage that I won't be in when I am logging off of this site.  Anger is not good.  Okay, its past. A deep breath took it away.  I am so sad.  The roller coaster is a hard one.  Self-indulgence is cruel, yet necessary right now.   

My new club that you can't belong to!!

I guess the best place to start is to explain what started this whole thing, but first want to say that all my posts won't be this long. 

 One day about a month ago I found a lump.  Never in my mind did I actually believe I had Breast Cancer.  My mom and sisters all have/had lumpy breast and so that is how mine are.  Instead of making an appointment with my regular ND, I went to see a new MD.  She said not to worry, but anytime she had any hesitation she sent the woman off to Swedish's Comprehensive Breast Center.  Two weeks out, and I wasn't all that worried. All of my family and friends were all saying not to worry, "Its just a cyst."  I was joking around with everyone about it, and the worst case scenarios, throwing my life around as I didn't realize what NOT A JOKE this was soon to be.   

The folks at the Comprehensive Breast Center were great.  I said goodbye to my husband, as I got to walk into the world of woman in robes waiting to see a Doc.  We all just looked at each other in that warm room with suddenly unimportant magazines about what clothes are cool right now.  My husband said that he sat in his room with a bunch of scared men that he was totally thinking, he wasn't part of this club either.  My appointment seemed to get a little scarier when after the Ultrasound & Mammogram I was asked to sit in a little room.  I asked, "Is this the not so great room, should I get my husband?"  They let him come back with me.  The Doc told me she wasn't certain either way, and wanted to get  what's called a Core Biopsy.  She also asked me if I wouldn't mind getting a tag implanted into my breast, just in case in the future I needed surgery.  That didn't go so well. 

 This was the first time that I medically (and I didn't realize it until now) got to make a decision about my little body that I would have NEVER considered, and I didn't for too long.  I told her, "No way" was I going to have someone put some foreign thing in me.  If I got Breast Cancer then we'll go to those drastic measures.  That was on a Wednesday, results take 2-3 days, so I had to wait until Monday.  This was the weekend I started practicing becoming a Yogi, and I hadn't realized it yet.  We went to the Hoh Rain Forest and the little lovely town of Forks (there are good things about it, like the ocean and the forests).  This was just the trip we both needed.  Even last night when we couldn't sleep, we both remarked that the Ocean's beaches of this area is what was helping us to relax.  Anyways, so here came Monday.  The call, " Heather, unfortunately you do have Breast Cancer.  You need to come down here right now.  We have an opening just for you at 3."  

I just couldn't believe it.  In one moment Our Lives had Changed.  We both got dressed in a fury, and numbly walked into a new Zone.  When we first met we used to call it The Zone.  We'd just look into each other's eyes and suddenly our spirits would start flying in a reality that seemed to only exist with each other.  Now, I was experiencing this but in not a loving way.  In a Twilight Zone way.  My husband, (from now on will be named D for short) "Okay, we don't know anything.  Let's not panic.  We just know you have Breast Cancer," says D.  Right, we don't know." As we got to the front desk, I was hit so hard.  I couldn't talk.  I just started crying.  This was the first time I was about to utter the words of cancer and my name.  The lady was so sweet.  Saying to me calming and caring words.  Words I simply cannot remember now.  I got the strength to say, because it was important so important for me to say what I had to say.  " Hi, my name is Heather __ and I was just told I have Breast Cancer."  Phew!  It was true, and I said it.  I think D new that I needed to say this.  He gave me a Kleenex and walked with me to start filling out all the paperwork.  

We met with my Doc, she was going to be my Surgeon they told me.  I found her to be incredibly confident, a wonderful communicator, personal, trustworthy, and again confident.  For the first time in my medical history, there was no feeling of being rushed in there.  She made us feel like we were the center of the world and took lots of time with us.  Even as I just sat there and wept, I just couldn't believe it.  This was so much to take on within a few hours.  The team at the Comprehensive Breast Center Rock!!  I left there not floundering at all, and had the miraculous experience of having all my Scans scheduled for me, this week to boot!  I left there totally knowing, if I chose to stay with them that I was going to see my Oncologist on Monday and have surgery on Friday the 12th.  Incredible!  We felt completely deflated as we left, but for the first time empowered with the information we needed to start doing our own research.

We got home and just cried.  There are no words to express this than utter despair.  Shock.  Disbelief, why me, why you.  The Why's started to kick in.  So we started cleaning the house, both of us.  Taking control of what we could, and started kicking around those why's and how is this possible.  

For those of you who don't know me, I am a bit of a Health Fanatic.  I love to fast, eat only Organic everything, exercise, love yoga, I mean I love to be healthy.  I took this approach since the age of 17.  On my own, I worked at a health food store in Kodiak, AK and started learning about my new life path.  One of healing my body and one of being a Healer.  I got my first massage from a co-worker.  As this massage was happening, I heard a whisper in my ear, a calling I was soon to realize, that I was to not go to College, but instead go to Massage School.  I looked up thinking that maybe she- the massage therapist had whispered this, but no she was down at my feet.  I have been a Healer since 1994, and have even studied Cancer Massage.  Since a few of my clients had/was going through this journey.  I loved working with these woman.  Their range of motion wasn't so great in their little arms and they had lymphadema.  My massages really helped them and that is what my life is all about.  So, how could it be that I am now part of this club.  As D put it, " A club you didn't want to belong to."  I corrected him,    " A club we didn't want to belong to."

As I am feeling, hearing, and reading, this Cancer thing affects everyone in our family.  We are ALL living with Cancer now.  Not only has our marriage come from 3 (each of us representing ourselves, and a 3rd-the spirit of our marriage) but now, I feel on an energetic level a 4th spirit, kindof like a ghost in the room that is now claiming its presence.  We need to call Ghost Busters!!  So, where was I.  Yeah, yeah, the picture of health.  Seriously.  The picture of FREAKIN HEALTH.  What more could I have done. Seriously.  I can't remember who now, but one of you Angels said to me, " Heather, there is nothing more you could have done.  You couldn't have been better.  You couldn't have done anything different.  You did everything your supposed to do."  

Enough of the self-indulgent behaviour!  We both needed to start telling our parents and siblings and dear friends.   That is when the tears really started to spill.  Disblief, sheer and utter disbelief.  But now Support.  At some point we went to bed, crying and trying to start finding the postitives in a sea of unknowns.   I woke up at my now new time, 5 AM.  It seems that this is the time that my mind starts to race and I start thinking not positively so I get up, and START DOING STUFF (heres that D in me not my husband, but as in DISC profiling).  I emailed everyone that I knew could help me with the new daunting task of finding the best Doc's.   I then went back to sleep and was awoken by a call from a Dear Friend Steve.  He is an amazing athlete, a so far 2 time oh, heck what is that crazy race he does.  The one that would kill me, the one that takes almost 3/4 of a day to complete, the uhh..IRONMAN!! That's it.  He literally (as if I was trying to run the race next to him) grabbed the back of my neck as I was crouched down in almost a fetal position, and stood me up.  And looked me in the eye and said, "We are just getting started here, friend.  Gather your strength, let's get going.  You can do this."  I told him to call in the horses, I mean Calvary and he started Networking like all extraordinary Networkers do.  

Steve asked if I was going to get a second opinion.  I was so exhausted, my spirit was exhausted.  For those of you that don't know me I like to think of myself as 2 animals, Tiger from Winnie the Pooh and a Hummingbird.  I love to do as many things I can at once, I love to be busy.  But this was gone, momentarily.  So, I said no.  They know what it is.  I have decided now my second opinion will come in the form of my treatment.  

Jumping ahead, Tuesday the day after being diagnosed, was spent with my phone and laptop on me at all times.  You little worker bees!  I will tell you that I have not felt so Support and Love as I have in one day as this day.  Except the day I got married.  Slowly, D and I got pumped up more and more.  As you all, started resourcing for me.  Everyone that said what can I do, just let me know.  I said, " I need to find the best Doc's in this city.  Not that other's aren't but, I wanted to know who everyone has gone to.  My little list was being made.  Soon, I found 3 Docs names that kept coming around and around.  I want to mention here, that there are a lot of Best Docs but I wanted the ones that have been doing this a LONG time, and that is what I needed.  So yesterday (Wednesday), I called the Breast Place and told them, " I am calling to break up with you guys."  It truely felt/feels this way.  I know that everyone supports me making my own health care decisions but I had a connection with these folks and I knew I was with good hands. But for those of you that don't know me, I am a little Type A and in DISC a D.  Okay, I hate to say it, but here it goes, alright... yes, I am a bit of a Control Freak.  

  I needed to know that if it(breast cancer) comes back for a 2nd visit, that D and I can look into each other's eyes and say that I did everything I could.  I saw everyone I could, and should've and I would more importantly have no regrets.  So the KICK ASS ROCK STAR team was formed through the help of a few Key Players, calling these Docs and getting me in.  I am not going to mention anyone's names as I do not want the other KICK ASS Doc's being thought of as not good.  This was just my team that I needed.  I feel that My Angels brought them to me. Thank you Angels, as you know who you are.

So yesterday, was the Team Together day, YEAH!! and my first day of Scans.  I got to have a Bone Scan.  I am excited to get these results as its my little body and I have absolutely no control over the fact that either the Cancer has or hasn't gone anywhere else.  This is going to either way be a fact, and I will face those challenges when I face the.  So, D and I go into the little room that they will soon inject me with RadioIsotopes AKA F18.  I looked him in the eye and we both had a little psychic moment.  We both new that in no possible way would I have EVER  in a million years agreed to allowing someone to pollute my body with Radiation.  The Doc said that it similar to what I would get if I had flown to NY.  I said, " Can I fly to NY instead."  We all knew it wasn't like that.  My tongue a day later can tell you it isn't the same.  I have a nice Metallic taste, mmm...

Before I go, I want to say how we are.  We are only surrounding and reaching out to folks that are seriously not giving us any Negative energy in the tiniest amount.  I am going to not only make it through this, but I am going to be transformed and am looking forward to my new growth in every aspect.  I believe I am on this earth to GROW and I have attacked my life thus far in this fashion.  I am opening my heart to a new path as a Healer whatever may come.  I feel that suddenly I am a Yogi.  For years meditation has been nearly impossible for me, as I am a little Hummingbird.  But I feel a new animal coming into my life.  I and We are only being in the Present.  I know we all know its important to do.  But now it is all there is.  No looking ahead at things we do not know if I even need to think about.  Like a wig.  Like maybe just I'll be bald.  Because I may not need Chemo.  If I do, I will get to cross that path.  So, if anyone does comment, please do not go ahead.  Practice with us, simply being in the moment as that is all we all EVER REALLY HAVE.  Lots of love and light and tears and love to you.