Triple Negative

I am scared today.  There are a few different kinds of breast cancer, and the kind I have is called Triple Negative.  They don't know what it feeds on and because of this they don't have anything other than chemo to treat it with.  I am scared that mine won't respond to the chemo.  I am afraid that it will come back.  If it does come back, which my TN have the highest 2 year recurrence rate, chemo probably won't work.  See, the other cancer's can be scary too.  Her2Nu grows/feeds off of the growth hormone, which makes it a faster grower, than Triple Negative.  But the Doc's have found that a adjuvant therapy of Herceptin works to keep that hormone level low.  Or if you have a positive tumor for either Estrogen or Progesterone than they'll give you some other drug to keep those levels down.  You would steer clear from foods that have a lot of Estrogen in them, ect.  

But I don't have anything like that.  Its chemo, Baby!  And that is it.  I am scared.  I don't want to keep telling D how scared I am because he is scared.  He has to shut down a little because its just to much.  It is too much to live in the future and to worry right now.  I just keep hearing my Oncologist say two things, #1, " We just know your cancer is bad, real bad." #2, "That's bullshit, and cancer is curable."  So, they are the opposites sides of the bar and I feel helpless.  *ucking helpless.  I am scared, I could cry, but D just walked by.  I need to stay in the present moment and just whistle along, D's whistling right now, and let go.  There is absolutely nothing I can do, so back to what Dad says, "Worrying isn't going to change a thing."  Or my friend Sarah writes in a song, "Why worry, when you can pray."  Worry?  Because I could die from this.  I could.  

I think the shock is wearing off.  I am in the angry stage right now.  A stage that I won't be in when I am logging off of this site.  Anger is not good.  Okay, its past. A deep breath took it away.  I am so sad.  The roller coaster is a hard one.  Self-indulgence is cruel, yet necessary right now.