Years ago, I met a woman that lived on the Eastside, in Bellevue actually that sold beautiful rugs. I asked her if she would be willing to trade massage for one. Quickly, she and I hit it off and we spent the next few years, every week, trading. I have a bazillion rugs now that are housed at various friends homes and are also strewn about my cabin.
She was a young mother of two teenage kids. Michelle was in her early forties. I met her just as she had finished Breast Cancer treatment, her hair was a delightful pixie cut, and she was in the process of getting implants. I learned a lot while I worked on her, all-the-while thinking OF COURSE, I would never be dealing with Cancer. That was about eight years ago now.
I admired that she loved to go out dancing, and rage at various local shows till the wee hours. I watched her fall in love with a man that loved her despite her being without breasts & during the process of getting breasts. I loved her spunk. She was a wonderful mother, her sense of “Napoleon Dynamite” humor with her kids, and… and…SHOOT! I totally thought she had Health in her future!!
Finally, I got my fill of rugs and ended our trades. I got married, and life went along the road of the living. Well…we all know how my story goes and that I entered her side of the Club I didn’t want to belong to.
The past couple of weeks, I have been driving past her neck of the woods for the first time in years and I thought, I should go by her house and say hello. I tossed that idea around for a few weeks, feeling it sink deep into the bottom of my belly. Feeling the undeniable, “I wonder if her cancer came back? I wonder if she is alive? I wonder if she is married to that nice man?” Well, this week I decided to take a left off the road I travel on, and make my way up to her house.
I got a little lost, I couldn’t remember exactly. When I was a little girl, my Mother taught me to get around and remember directions by landmarks…by trees and such. That helped guide me to her house as I saw a familiar Rhododendron and I took that right. As I pulled into her driveway I noticed a “Baby Girl” balloon outside the door. I thought, Jez…did she just have another baby?
I didn’t have to knock because a nice man opened the door and I introduced myself as I asked if Michelle was still here. He said he had bought the house a year and a half ago and that he was (I knew it was coming) sorry to be the one to give me the bad news, but that Michelle had not made it. I looked up into the stairwell and saw that his families photos had replaced Michelle’s families. I thanked him, and as I walked away, I said, “Looks like you have a lot of life to be celebrating in there. Enjoy.” I walked away with a newborns cry and a somber mood.
I drove away and cried, and spoke to her, and remembered her. The past few days I have been thinking about her and realized that I did much of the “coming back to life post treatment” that she had. I rarely missed a night of dancing in the city and had a summer of the most fun I have ever had as an adult. I partied (in a good way) like it was 1999!!! (I’m a Prince fan, what can I say)..
For some reason the length of her hair when I last got to work on her stuck with me. I’ve been mulling and processing in my head how sad I am that I never got to sit and have that cup of tea with her. I never got to shock the heck out of her and tell her I got sick too! I never got to ask her to go dancing with me! Why did she not make it? Where are her kids now? This is my next step is to track them down. The Seattle area is small, and I know enough people that once I start the “did you know”, to my friends I will find her kids or her parents.
Tears are pretty full this past week. If I slow down and just look, they come. This morning, as I was massaging I looked in the mirror and saw that my hair is now the longest its been since I was diagnosed in ’08. Its shoulder length now! Wow! I cocked my head from side to side, and watched it sway back and forth. I still enjoy my new treat of swirling my hair when I am in bad traffic. I never was a twirler before cancer, but it’s a sweet and fun way of connecting in with my ego, my girly side, and celebrating having hair.
I thought today, Wow! At each stage of length bald, fuzz, chemo curls with pixie, at ear length, and now at shoulder length I was healing in drastically different ways. One of the hardest parts of writing this particular book for me is processing all that I went through in one fell swoop. It takes me months to process from a full weeks worth of work and I then start to compile thoughts through that healing, and then go back to paper and write more. Hhhmmmm…Yes, I am still healing. I feel incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to do all this personal growth and am excited to some day share it.
People want to know when I will be done with the book? These folks are not writers, as the published writers in my life, all laugh when I talk to them about how I REALLY feel like answering this question. I have no idea when it will be done. It’s not just a fun book to write, you know. It’s a beautiful piece of artwork that is in the process of healing my heart as I birth it. It will take some time.
Well…Michelle, I am so sorry you didn’t make it babe. You were amazing. I am so very sorry and bummed I didn’t get to drink tea with you. Ugh. Belly cries and sadness.
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label sad. Show all posts
Wednesday, August 31, 2011
Friday, February 5, 2010
Which one is worse?
I don't know what would be worse, if I got my cancer back, or the news I just found out. For a woman like me, all she's dreamt about is having children of her own, One Day. To watch their faces lite up when they first learn how to ride a bike, the pain in their eyes when they get stung by a bee, the whole thing. I"ll back track.
Chemo puts girls/woman my age into a Chemopause like state. My Onc told me I had a 50/50 chance of getting my period back. I went through the fertility steps of harvesting eggs. I got 6. I ruined 3 with my X, because in the fertilized state they are hardier and have more of chance of being a viable pregnancy. So now, I just have 3. Chances of that working are 30% maybe a little lower.
I went to see my Onc a few days ago. My tumor markers are low, Yay...at 12. I told him through tears in my eyes, "It would just be nice to know if I am going to get my moon back." He said that usually it comes back within in a year, I am a year and two months out. It should've come back by now, he said. So, he went on to explain that we should do a hormone level on my blood draw as well. If the number is high then my chances are good that I'll get it back. If they are medium, chances pretty low. If they come in low, exteremely doubtful.
Well, I just got his call, and they are a 6. VERY, VERY low. WOman my age that are pre-menopausal are between 15-26. He said that at my next check-up if it hasn't come back, that we need to talk about Osteoporosis, ect....I'm so sad.
He said that it still could come back. And we all know how incredible bodies are. But, I need to be pragmatic, I need to move on, and forward. The limbo state is very, very hard.
At least I know. Now I can begin my process of mourning. I have three eggs. If that doesn't work I can use my sisters, and fertilize it, then I can carry a baby. I still can do that. If that fails, then I can adopt, and I have two incredible soul friends that have been examples of this love. So sad.
I will probably never ever bleed again. I guess, I can embrace all the night sweat/hot flash herbs now. I am going to make a ritual for this. I have to. It is a rites of passage. One that I am sad to be embracing. But embrace it I will.
Chemo puts girls/woman my age into a Chemopause like state. My Onc told me I had a 50/50 chance of getting my period back. I went through the fertility steps of harvesting eggs. I got 6. I ruined 3 with my X, because in the fertilized state they are hardier and have more of chance of being a viable pregnancy. So now, I just have 3. Chances of that working are 30% maybe a little lower.
I went to see my Onc a few days ago. My tumor markers are low, Yay...at 12. I told him through tears in my eyes, "It would just be nice to know if I am going to get my moon back." He said that usually it comes back within in a year, I am a year and two months out. It should've come back by now, he said. So, he went on to explain that we should do a hormone level on my blood draw as well. If the number is high then my chances are good that I'll get it back. If they are medium, chances pretty low. If they come in low, exteremely doubtful.
Well, I just got his call, and they are a 6. VERY, VERY low. WOman my age that are pre-menopausal are between 15-26. He said that at my next check-up if it hasn't come back, that we need to talk about Osteoporosis, ect....I'm so sad.
He said that it still could come back. And we all know how incredible bodies are. But, I need to be pragmatic, I need to move on, and forward. The limbo state is very, very hard.
At least I know. Now I can begin my process of mourning. I have three eggs. If that doesn't work I can use my sisters, and fertilize it, then I can carry a baby. I still can do that. If that fails, then I can adopt, and I have two incredible soul friends that have been examples of this love. So sad.
I will probably never ever bleed again. I guess, I can embrace all the night sweat/hot flash herbs now. I am going to make a ritual for this. I have to. It is a rites of passage. One that I am sad to be embracing. But embrace it I will.
Friday, October 30, 2009
Falls call
What a whirlwind of a summer. I find myself this fall, having random flashbacks of events from last year. Like yesterday, I was speaking with a friend who has taken a role in my life as a Great-Aunt, and we were talking about the West Seattle Junction Halloween party for young kids. And suddenly I was taken back, to hanging out in my office in West Seattle, at Keller Williams with my friend Kristen and her young daughter. I was too sick, too weak to walk around with them., so I just hung out in the office and watched all the youngsters in their adorable costumes. I was so sick. Ugh! I had lost my hair and I was just trying so hard to "do" something that day. Its hard to not cry thinking of that time. I would not want anyone to go through that. Ugh! I got through it. I am and we are stronger than we can ever imagine. Which brings me to the other day at my Acupuncturists office.
As I laid on her table with all the needles in me, the lights were turned off, and I went into the Savahsana mindfulness, and my Spirit said to me, "Hi, Soldier. There you are. You can relax now. You are safe. Be still." And all I did was weep. But then the needles started hurting so I stopped, LOL. I realized in that moment, that yes, I have had to be a Soldier to get through this. A fierce soldier. A fierce athlete. A fierce everything. Its time to be softer on an energetic level now. But the Soldier keeps fear at bay.
I have been wading through the feelings of fear the past few weeks. Slowly since my ritual, it has begun creeping up and flittering about in my psychic fields. I am safe, in the present moment. That is all we ever know, right? My three month appointment is coming up in a few weeks, but I have been a little panicky so I am going to see my Onc on the 4th instead. There has been a little lump above my scar and he felt it three months ago. But I have felt it again, and it freaks me out. I need him to just do a biopsy of it, so I can let go of any fear around it. Its one thing for him to say its scar tissue, and yes I did just have a free and clear Mammo and MRI, but still...there's no problem with double checking, or for that matter triple checking.
Where the fear also comes from is my initial doc missed my lump. She dismissed it as just a cyst, or whatever it was she thought because she never told me. She simply hesitated over it, and kept going and then said I was good to go. She was the first lesson I learned in that Doctors are just people, practicing medicine. And it is up to us to be our own advocates and I want the lump/scar tissue biopsied, end of story.
I honestly 100% believe the acupuncturist is going to get my moon to come back. My ovaries felt really warm for the past few days, and I just have a good feeling about it. She told me to eat lots of meat, and to stay stress free. Of coarse the Cancer ND's tell me stay away from meat. And my Onc tells me, no red meat, but to eat anything else...except sugar.
Which brings me to my newest thought about this NO sugar diet. Okay...so..if cancer feeds on sugar because it runs faster than anything else in the body. So when you have a sugar spike it jumps on that and has a feeding frenzy like a shark to a nice bloody tuna head. But....that shark had to be in the water in the FIRST PLACE. Just having the bloody tuna head does not cause the shark to suddenly be made and plopped into the ocean.
You are following me right? Eating Sugar does NOT cause Cancer to begin. If I have cancer still after all that chemo and radiation then I still have cancer, in its microscopic form. And the sugar will just cause the cancer to speed up, but not create it in the first place.
So....that is my newest thought.
As I laid on her table with all the needles in me, the lights were turned off, and I went into the Savahsana mindfulness, and my Spirit said to me, "Hi, Soldier. There you are. You can relax now. You are safe. Be still." And all I did was weep. But then the needles started hurting so I stopped, LOL. I realized in that moment, that yes, I have had to be a Soldier to get through this. A fierce soldier. A fierce athlete. A fierce everything. Its time to be softer on an energetic level now. But the Soldier keeps fear at bay.
I have been wading through the feelings of fear the past few weeks. Slowly since my ritual, it has begun creeping up and flittering about in my psychic fields. I am safe, in the present moment. That is all we ever know, right? My three month appointment is coming up in a few weeks, but I have been a little panicky so I am going to see my Onc on the 4th instead. There has been a little lump above my scar and he felt it three months ago. But I have felt it again, and it freaks me out. I need him to just do a biopsy of it, so I can let go of any fear around it. Its one thing for him to say its scar tissue, and yes I did just have a free and clear Mammo and MRI, but still...there's no problem with double checking, or for that matter triple checking.
Where the fear also comes from is my initial doc missed my lump. She dismissed it as just a cyst, or whatever it was she thought because she never told me. She simply hesitated over it, and kept going and then said I was good to go. She was the first lesson I learned in that Doctors are just people, practicing medicine. And it is up to us to be our own advocates and I want the lump/scar tissue biopsied, end of story.
I honestly 100% believe the acupuncturist is going to get my moon to come back. My ovaries felt really warm for the past few days, and I just have a good feeling about it. She told me to eat lots of meat, and to stay stress free. Of coarse the Cancer ND's tell me stay away from meat. And my Onc tells me, no red meat, but to eat anything else...except sugar.
Which brings me to my newest thought about this NO sugar diet. Okay...so..if cancer feeds on sugar because it runs faster than anything else in the body. So when you have a sugar spike it jumps on that and has a feeding frenzy like a shark to a nice bloody tuna head. But....that shark had to be in the water in the FIRST PLACE. Just having the bloody tuna head does not cause the shark to suddenly be made and plopped into the ocean.
You are following me right? Eating Sugar does NOT cause Cancer to begin. If I have cancer still after all that chemo and radiation then I still have cancer, in its microscopic form. And the sugar will just cause the cancer to speed up, but not create it in the first place.
So....that is my newest thought.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
The anger of Blood
Okay, yesterday as I was massaging I revisited the hard part of my weekend. The hard part being the part that I had the base emotion of anger when hearing about woman laugh and joke about their menopause symptoms. Hell..I laugh about mine. What more can you do right? But in the care, in the safety of others that have been through it, I was able to be in the anger. I say as tears stream down my face. Its not quite time to do a ritual about my chemopause. Because I still am in belief that it is Chemopause, and not menopause. This morning I woke up to my ovaries feeling really warm.
But back to the safety. I could miss the opportunity to get real with myself. But luckily I am looking at it. I want to be a mom more than anything in the world, well...besides getting to be healthy for their lives (of coarse there is a their~I want twins....). This has been the hardest part of this whole, "Heather, you have cancer." Thing. And now its a, "Heather, you HAD cancer." And I just simply want my life to be back. I want my ovaries to work. I want to sweat again. Funny thing at the retreat, I found out that I am not alone with that one. There are others that have never starting sweating in their arms again. I have not under the right one.
So...The Anger..deserves to be capitalized. It deserves to have an alter made for itself. And it deserves to be acknowledge so that I can get to the real feelings of sadness, despair, hope, and trust. I just need to trust. If it doesn't come back, I have those little frozen eggs. And if those don't work...there are lots of fertility options and then adoption...but I really want to have my own, in some form.
I am so thankful for Casting For Recovery. I feel like I have been walking through a jungle to get to a lake, for nine months, or however long its been that my moon went away. Now, I am standing at the lake, just looking at it. And all the feelings that I have about my moon going on vacation, swims in the lake. CFR allowed me the space, the grace, and the ungrace, to finally see myself at the waters edge. Each day, I now need to look for a rock that speaks to this pain, and start piling my rocks into a pile, and talking to the rock that I place there. Sharing my pain, sharing my wishes. I need to let go of this grief. I am scared to. Maybe more scared than anything so far on this journey to health. I have to use all the lessons Cancer taught me to get through this. Time to surrender and to open my palm even more, and just love myself and be with myself. Be with my ovaries. Be with my blood, that circulates through my body. And a famous sentence my Dad always says, that has been so helpful during this past year pops into my head again, "Heather, there is no reason to stress over it, stressing over it won't change a thing."
I am heading out to Vashon in a few hours. I am going to start my rock pile out there next to my favorite pond. Fisher Pond.
But back to the safety. I could miss the opportunity to get real with myself. But luckily I am looking at it. I want to be a mom more than anything in the world, well...besides getting to be healthy for their lives (of coarse there is a their~I want twins....). This has been the hardest part of this whole, "Heather, you have cancer." Thing. And now its a, "Heather, you HAD cancer." And I just simply want my life to be back. I want my ovaries to work. I want to sweat again. Funny thing at the retreat, I found out that I am not alone with that one. There are others that have never starting sweating in their arms again. I have not under the right one.
So...The Anger..deserves to be capitalized. It deserves to have an alter made for itself. And it deserves to be acknowledge so that I can get to the real feelings of sadness, despair, hope, and trust. I just need to trust. If it doesn't come back, I have those little frozen eggs. And if those don't work...there are lots of fertility options and then adoption...but I really want to have my own, in some form.
I am so thankful for Casting For Recovery. I feel like I have been walking through a jungle to get to a lake, for nine months, or however long its been that my moon went away. Now, I am standing at the lake, just looking at it. And all the feelings that I have about my moon going on vacation, swims in the lake. CFR allowed me the space, the grace, and the ungrace, to finally see myself at the waters edge. Each day, I now need to look for a rock that speaks to this pain, and start piling my rocks into a pile, and talking to the rock that I place there. Sharing my pain, sharing my wishes. I need to let go of this grief. I am scared to. Maybe more scared than anything so far on this journey to health. I have to use all the lessons Cancer taught me to get through this. Time to surrender and to open my palm even more, and just love myself and be with myself. Be with my ovaries. Be with my blood, that circulates through my body. And a famous sentence my Dad always says, that has been so helpful during this past year pops into my head again, "Heather, there is no reason to stress over it, stressing over it won't change a thing."
I am heading out to Vashon in a few hours. I am going to start my rock pile out there next to my favorite pond. Fisher Pond.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Opening
I have been working and visiting with friends like a maniac. Yesterday was my first day in weeks where I did nothing, and spent most of the day alone. I was able to slow down and get tired, finally. About a week ago I hiked a nearby mountain, well..not all the way to the top, but close. My body felt great and I wasn't in pain. I am not sure if what happened yesterday is related to the hike or not, the doc's will all say no it didn't. But I think it did. But then again, I'm not a doc and maybe they are right.
But two days ago, I noticed when I was giving massages that my chest started hurting when I bent over to grab my massage oil. So, I started to put the bottle of oil on counter tops and not on the floor. This is a classic symptom of pericarditis. Bending forward and hurting. Even though I've gone through this a few times now, I still ignored that I was in pain so much that I had to change my pattern of doing things. I'm stubborn what can I say!
That night when I crawled into bed, my chest hurt to lay on my side. When I woke up, I new I was in trouble when simply walking down the stairs made my heart really hurt. I found myself holding onto my chest as I jostled my way down to the kitchen. I can't believe my good luck, but one of the top cardiologists in the city is one of my new clients and I was just so happening to give him a massage that morning (yesterday). He told me what he thought, but then again he hasn't seen my charts. I made some laughs about girly stuff like, "Crap! I don't want to go back on steroids. I am just starting to lose this weight. I don't want a moon face again!"
I left there and phoned my cardio, who was and is on-call all weekend. He put me back on steroids and it took until this morning for me to take in a deep breath with no pain, but I can now say, I am pain free again.
This sucks for many reasons. One, is that my inflammation punched through the anti-inflammatories that are non-steroidal. This is not good because for Two, inflammation around the lining of the heart can cause the lining to thicken which leads to a surgery that sounds straight out of a horror film to me. The surgeon would peel/scrap the lining away so that it is thinner. No thank you. Third, I might have to be on a low dose of steroids for a while. Four, I don't want a moon face anymore, and I was really liking the beginning of being able to see my damn cheeck bones again.
The good news, is I knew what to look for and jumped on it. And I am not going to have another full blown attack. The other news, is that I am switching to one of the top cardio's in the United States, and will be in good hands. Not that I wasn't before. But at least we can get to the bottom of this and I can relax knowing that I am in good hands. No more, "well this is where art and medicine come together." Hopefully my new cardio, can talk to other good cardio's in the US and figure it out.
Signed,
Pissed off on a sunny day in Seattle
But two days ago, I noticed when I was giving massages that my chest started hurting when I bent over to grab my massage oil. So, I started to put the bottle of oil on counter tops and not on the floor. This is a classic symptom of pericarditis. Bending forward and hurting. Even though I've gone through this a few times now, I still ignored that I was in pain so much that I had to change my pattern of doing things. I'm stubborn what can I say!
That night when I crawled into bed, my chest hurt to lay on my side. When I woke up, I new I was in trouble when simply walking down the stairs made my heart really hurt. I found myself holding onto my chest as I jostled my way down to the kitchen. I can't believe my good luck, but one of the top cardiologists in the city is one of my new clients and I was just so happening to give him a massage that morning (yesterday). He told me what he thought, but then again he hasn't seen my charts. I made some laughs about girly stuff like, "Crap! I don't want to go back on steroids. I am just starting to lose this weight. I don't want a moon face again!"
I left there and phoned my cardio, who was and is on-call all weekend. He put me back on steroids and it took until this morning for me to take in a deep breath with no pain, but I can now say, I am pain free again.
This sucks for many reasons. One, is that my inflammation punched through the anti-inflammatories that are non-steroidal. This is not good because for Two, inflammation around the lining of the heart can cause the lining to thicken which leads to a surgery that sounds straight out of a horror film to me. The surgeon would peel/scrap the lining away so that it is thinner. No thank you. Third, I might have to be on a low dose of steroids for a while. Four, I don't want a moon face anymore, and I was really liking the beginning of being able to see my damn cheeck bones again.
The good news, is I knew what to look for and jumped on it. And I am not going to have another full blown attack. The other news, is that I am switching to one of the top cardio's in the United States, and will be in good hands. Not that I wasn't before. But at least we can get to the bottom of this and I can relax knowing that I am in good hands. No more, "well this is where art and medicine come together." Hopefully my new cardio, can talk to other good cardio's in the US and figure it out.
Signed,
Pissed off on a sunny day in Seattle
Monday, March 16, 2009
A little pink
Today's radiation marked the beginning of pink. I think it burned a little bit afterwards, but no big deal. I put on the Biafin and off I went. Life is incredibly hectic right now. I have a few realty deals going on, my massage practice, and just doing things again is a lot. My mind has caught up to the real world again, or should I say to this reality again. Where it has been was the real world as well. I am just glad to be done, or almost done with that world.
Tomorrow I am going to see an oncology therapist for the first time, I hope she is good. I have heard incredible things about her.
Life is weird now. I am 34, but have tons of those menopause things happening, and this morning I cried because I am so sad about it. It affects everything in my life right now.
I am overwhelmed and enjoying it.
Tomorrow I am going to see an oncology therapist for the first time, I hope she is good. I have heard incredible things about her.
Life is weird now. I am 34, but have tons of those menopause things happening, and this morning I cried because I am so sad about it. It affects everything in my life right now.
I am overwhelmed and enjoying it.
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Party is coming to an end
My last radiation planning appointment is this morning, after my teeth cleaning. When you are getting chemo you can't get your teeth cleaned because of all the germs that get flung around in your mouth. Before I started back in late June I got my teeth cleaned, so I am very excited to get them done again. I can't remember if I posted this or not, but the other day on of my molars just decided it was done and so the front of it exploded when I was eating bread. Luckily it was just one part and I only needed a filling.
I am feeling anxious about the radiation. I am sick of everyone telling me its no big deal. How the hell does everyone know that? I have heard very unpleasant stories, and stories that it was harder than chemo, so this statement drives me even more crazy. I hope that I am fine and I hope that it isn't a big deal, but who knows. I mean, please it is RADIATION. Its not like I am just going to pop myself into a tanning bed for quick ten minute tan up. I am choosing to get radiated. My radiation oncologist said that not much of my lung is involved which is great.
Today I need to fill my prescripstion for the Biofin, I think that is what you call it. I have heard wonders about this, wonders about lots of stuff. My Rad. Onc. said really who knows if any of it works, and who's to say the skin wouldn't heal just the same without it. I am nearing the end of treatment.
The other day my Triple Negative friend found out a year and a half out that her cancer migrated to her brain. I am devastated by this news. Sad because she was told she only has two years left, sad that breast cancer sucks, sad that each breast cancer survivor especially the triple negative has a high reoccurance/migration stage the first three years. JUST SAD.
How the hell did the TN live through all the chemo and radiation? It stays small for a year and a half and then wham, there you are showing up, lite up in an MRI in the brain.
So, for all those that didn't think I had anything to worry about, and why wasn't I happier when I found out I was only a stage 1, there is your answer, another answer, another reason.
Is that for the rest of my life, and for the next three years, when I I am all done with treatment and I get to start counting my three year mark, I will have the potential of this on my shoulders. She was given just two years. I hope she is around to at least be there for her little girl when she starts her moon.
I am feeling anxious about the radiation. I am sick of everyone telling me its no big deal. How the hell does everyone know that? I have heard very unpleasant stories, and stories that it was harder than chemo, so this statement drives me even more crazy. I hope that I am fine and I hope that it isn't a big deal, but who knows. I mean, please it is RADIATION. Its not like I am just going to pop myself into a tanning bed for quick ten minute tan up. I am choosing to get radiated. My radiation oncologist said that not much of my lung is involved which is great.
Today I need to fill my prescripstion for the Biofin, I think that is what you call it. I have heard wonders about this, wonders about lots of stuff. My Rad. Onc. said really who knows if any of it works, and who's to say the skin wouldn't heal just the same without it. I am nearing the end of treatment.
The other day my Triple Negative friend found out a year and a half out that her cancer migrated to her brain. I am devastated by this news. Sad because she was told she only has two years left, sad that breast cancer sucks, sad that each breast cancer survivor especially the triple negative has a high reoccurance/migration stage the first three years. JUST SAD.
How the hell did the TN live through all the chemo and radiation? It stays small for a year and a half and then wham, there you are showing up, lite up in an MRI in the brain.
So, for all those that didn't think I had anything to worry about, and why wasn't I happier when I found out I was only a stage 1, there is your answer, another answer, another reason.
Is that for the rest of my life, and for the next three years, when I I am all done with treatment and I get to start counting my three year mark, I will have the potential of this on my shoulders. She was given just two years. I hope she is around to at least be there for her little girl when she starts her moon.
Monday, February 23, 2009
Totally Annoyed
Well...I went to see my Onc today, and sure enough the lining around my lungs have a minute amount of water around them, and I've gained 3 pounds in a few days since I last saw him. My ankles/legs are way more swollen this evening then they have been in a while. I am totally annoyed, exhausted, and ready for this to be over. I have another eccho tomorrow to see how my heart is doing, and I can guarentee that there is water around it. It feels weird to bend over, its hard to differentiate between my heart and lungs, all I know is that my guts feel weird.
My Onc is not concerned right now, and so i am not as well. Yeah, right! I just want to be fine, I just want to start my damn rads and be done with this. I asked him today if this could be something I might have to deal with for the rest of my life because maybe my systems got messed up with the chemo, and he said he didn't think so. He thinks that it might just be that my body needs more time to heal, or it might be a virus. He told me to keep working, to keep walking, and to keep doing whatever I am doing. I am fine. We'll know more tomorrow. I feel fine, really I do. I am not trying to talk myself into anything. I DO however, feel kind of depressed with the news that there is more water around my lungs.
I feel like I was told I had to run five miles, and I had it in me to just do that. I ran the freakin' five miles, and I can't do anymore. I am done. I want a massage, and to drink some water, and then eat a really good meal. I don't want to have to run another three miles. I want to be DONE!! Of coarse we all know that I have it in me to do more, and we all have it in us to dig deep and do more, I just am hoping I don't have to.
What I would love to happen, is that there is no water around my heart, and that my Onc and my Onc Radiologist tells me this week that I am allowed to start my rads next Monday and that i am done with all this crap by Mid-April!!!!!!!!! Lets cross our fingers that this is the case.
Okay, the TV junkie is me is off to watch the Bachelor and to put my feet up.
My Onc is not concerned right now, and so i am not as well. Yeah, right! I just want to be fine, I just want to start my damn rads and be done with this. I asked him today if this could be something I might have to deal with for the rest of my life because maybe my systems got messed up with the chemo, and he said he didn't think so. He thinks that it might just be that my body needs more time to heal, or it might be a virus. He told me to keep working, to keep walking, and to keep doing whatever I am doing. I am fine. We'll know more tomorrow. I feel fine, really I do. I am not trying to talk myself into anything. I DO however, feel kind of depressed with the news that there is more water around my lungs.
I feel like I was told I had to run five miles, and I had it in me to just do that. I ran the freakin' five miles, and I can't do anymore. I am done. I want a massage, and to drink some water, and then eat a really good meal. I don't want to have to run another three miles. I want to be DONE!! Of coarse we all know that I have it in me to do more, and we all have it in us to dig deep and do more, I just am hoping I don't have to.
What I would love to happen, is that there is no water around my heart, and that my Onc and my Onc Radiologist tells me this week that I am allowed to start my rads next Monday and that i am done with all this crap by Mid-April!!!!!!!!! Lets cross our fingers that this is the case.
Okay, the TV junkie is me is off to watch the Bachelor and to put my feet up.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Thinking of Me
When I got diagnosed suddenly I found myself interupting people in their mid-sentences and talking about my cancer, my disbelief, my emotions. I just was in such a state of shock, that grace and social to-do's went flying out the window. I didn't care what the hell people were talking about because all I could think about was cancer, my cancer, my breasts, my life that had just been shattered and was laying at my feet. I realized I was doing it, and I knew from the shock on peoples faces that they knew I was doing it, and everything became Cancer for me. There was and still is nothing else. If you are not a survivor you may not understand this. And I hope you never do.
In this place resides part of how I survived. I made Heather a priority. I made what I was feeling a priority. I made what I was thinking a priority. I made everything about me. I suddenly had to understand my new world, as if I had signed up with an experimental NASA trip to Venus and was living there for five years alone. With no help from anyone, unless I asked questions and read and asked more questions, and maybe I might find a few souls that had been to Venus and had survived the worst trip of their lives.
For D this has been very hard. And I don't want to talk about his process here. All I can say is that he never reached out to anyone, not even his parents on a regular basis, to get the support he needed to be supportive of me on an emotional level. There are/were so many options for him with support groups, counseling (even my Onc suggested a few for him because he was having such a hard time months back) and I have not had the energy to "take" on the usual responisbiliites I forced myself into in supporting him to do healthy things for him. All I had the energy to do was, call a few of his friends and say, "can you call him. can you hang out with him." Or call his mom and ask her to call. I feel sad and have felt very sad for him.
But the survivor in me that had to A Rise to survive has less sympathy. He is almost 40, he is 36, he is a man. And this survivor in me says, he can take care of himself, AND Me. So, I was able to relax into the state of asking him to fetch a million things for me when I couldn't walk ten steps without feeling like I was going to die.
This chemo hell ride I was on almost killed me. I just pray that in a few years time, my body doesn't start showing any negative effects of the chemo. But back to D, and you other supporters of survivors.
In the place of making everything about me, there is time for you, for D. And I just was too weak, and I also believe a changed person, in that I do not feel it is my responsiblity to take care of him. I was there, trust me. I tried talking to him about his feelings. And we had a few discussions on this topic, when he would allow himself to open up to me. But that's all I can/could do. I had to focus on me. And cancer and my treatment actually forced this to happen. I was so sick, so sick that I couldn't feel anything except my pain. So again, if there are any of you spouses out there reading this that have to go through this hell ride with your beloved. Take care of yourself, get the support you need. Otherwise your well will be dried up and it will be hard to get to the finish line. D, is going to Hawaii he let me know the other day. Alone. I am not allowed to come. He needs a break. He loves me but feels disgusted by me and can't stand to be around me anymore. What can you say about that? There is a breaking point. In all of us. And we are too young to go through this, and sure possibly, possibly as an older man he might be more gracious with his process. But the fact is, is there is no excuses in life. He is a man, and he has a choice in his life on how he wants to walk this earth. I have no control over that.
So back to me. In being diagnosed with cancer, to get through there is a place of Needing to be selfish. This was very hard to wrap my mind around in the beginning. Because my whole life I have taken care of others and put their needs first. For instance. When I was five my mom was in an accident. I took care of my then six month old brother, all the time. My massage practice, I booked appointments whenever so be it 7 am or 10 pm for clients so that I was flexible for them. My my husband and old boy friends, I did whatever I could to make their lives easier. Always, always thinking of others. Thinking that they would give back to me, or thinking the universe would give back to me.
This old disgusting habit was broken, clearly broken with me getting diagnosed with cancer. I will never do that again, unless I am a mother. And I think that this is a must if you're a mom.
So, in being a Survivor, there resides a place of needing to be selfish and its a good thing. Its a hard thing for me because I through old habits want to do for everyone. But I need to remember this lesson, and stick with it. When one is doing all the time, there isn't room to receive. And to open up to this beautiful gift. I really like the new Heather. Not that I didn't see my value before, because I did. But I see the value in my life, and my wants, and my needs, and my desire, and me not stopping what I am wanting to do or doing, to make anyones life easier for them. At least this is how it is right now.
In this place resides part of how I survived. I made Heather a priority. I made what I was feeling a priority. I made what I was thinking a priority. I made everything about me. I suddenly had to understand my new world, as if I had signed up with an experimental NASA trip to Venus and was living there for five years alone. With no help from anyone, unless I asked questions and read and asked more questions, and maybe I might find a few souls that had been to Venus and had survived the worst trip of their lives.
For D this has been very hard. And I don't want to talk about his process here. All I can say is that he never reached out to anyone, not even his parents on a regular basis, to get the support he needed to be supportive of me on an emotional level. There are/were so many options for him with support groups, counseling (even my Onc suggested a few for him because he was having such a hard time months back) and I have not had the energy to "take" on the usual responisbiliites I forced myself into in supporting him to do healthy things for him. All I had the energy to do was, call a few of his friends and say, "can you call him. can you hang out with him." Or call his mom and ask her to call. I feel sad and have felt very sad for him.
But the survivor in me that had to A Rise to survive has less sympathy. He is almost 40, he is 36, he is a man. And this survivor in me says, he can take care of himself, AND Me. So, I was able to relax into the state of asking him to fetch a million things for me when I couldn't walk ten steps without feeling like I was going to die.
This chemo hell ride I was on almost killed me. I just pray that in a few years time, my body doesn't start showing any negative effects of the chemo. But back to D, and you other supporters of survivors.
In the place of making everything about me, there is time for you, for D. And I just was too weak, and I also believe a changed person, in that I do not feel it is my responsiblity to take care of him. I was there, trust me. I tried talking to him about his feelings. And we had a few discussions on this topic, when he would allow himself to open up to me. But that's all I can/could do. I had to focus on me. And cancer and my treatment actually forced this to happen. I was so sick, so sick that I couldn't feel anything except my pain. So again, if there are any of you spouses out there reading this that have to go through this hell ride with your beloved. Take care of yourself, get the support you need. Otherwise your well will be dried up and it will be hard to get to the finish line. D, is going to Hawaii he let me know the other day. Alone. I am not allowed to come. He needs a break. He loves me but feels disgusted by me and can't stand to be around me anymore. What can you say about that? There is a breaking point. In all of us. And we are too young to go through this, and sure possibly, possibly as an older man he might be more gracious with his process. But the fact is, is there is no excuses in life. He is a man, and he has a choice in his life on how he wants to walk this earth. I have no control over that.
So back to me. In being diagnosed with cancer, to get through there is a place of Needing to be selfish. This was very hard to wrap my mind around in the beginning. Because my whole life I have taken care of others and put their needs first. For instance. When I was five my mom was in an accident. I took care of my then six month old brother, all the time. My massage practice, I booked appointments whenever so be it 7 am or 10 pm for clients so that I was flexible for them. My my husband and old boy friends, I did whatever I could to make their lives easier. Always, always thinking of others. Thinking that they would give back to me, or thinking the universe would give back to me.
This old disgusting habit was broken, clearly broken with me getting diagnosed with cancer. I will never do that again, unless I am a mother. And I think that this is a must if you're a mom.
So, in being a Survivor, there resides a place of needing to be selfish and its a good thing. Its a hard thing for me because I through old habits want to do for everyone. But I need to remember this lesson, and stick with it. When one is doing all the time, there isn't room to receive. And to open up to this beautiful gift. I really like the new Heather. Not that I didn't see my value before, because I did. But I see the value in my life, and my wants, and my needs, and my desire, and me not stopping what I am wanting to do or doing, to make anyones life easier for them. At least this is how it is right now.
Saturday, January 17, 2009
Someone's stepping on the hose
Okay. For all you mom's out there. I am back in room 705, at Swedish. I got in touch with my Onc and he had me check myself into the ER. He said that the cardiologist and the on-call Onc would meet me here. One of the messages of this post is that miscommunication happens, and you must be on your tippee toes to be your own advocate, constantly. Because ER doc wanted to give me, himself, alone the diuretic..Which 4 doc's have been debating for an entire week. The reason being is this..Hold on it gets deep...
Okay. Here's the deal. There are two water problems in my body right now and they are related. One being that my whole body is swollen with fluid. The way a body typically gets rid of this fluid is that it gets into your blood vessels and gets pumped through, by your heart, and eventually your kidneys pee it out. Here comes the second water problem. Which is, there is a pocket of water around my hear that is squeezing it. Which makes my heart beat as fast as if I was running. Which is insane. So..its working hard enough doing its thing, (very healthfully i will add) but it can't handle anything more. Like getting rid of my the water in my body. Which has caused a literal backup in my body. Its a vicious cycle.
So the problem with diuretics is two things. THe first thing is that it works on the first fluid problem, the fluid in my legs and everywhere else. Not the fluid around my heart and lungs, which by the way is worse now than last week, says the x-rays and another eccho tonight. The second problem with diuretics is that it lowers the amount of water in my vessels which means that squeezing around my heart would be allowed to squeeze my heart even more. Which would cause low blood pressure. And this would be dangerous.
So...they have now decided to do the heart tap, so that hopefully the vicious back-up problem can be fixed. I of coarse have feelings about this. But that is tomorrow or the next day.
My friend Tamara came and met me at the ER because I was very scared and sad and scared some more. I will write more later. I don't know how this is all going to work out. I am sure I won't die from getting my heart punctured. But just in case, I want to let those of you that know me, know that I love you all. And I have lived a wonder-filled life. And I do not regret anything. I have LIVED! I am just saying this, not to be melodramatic, but because often people hide and don't share how they really feel. So there you go!
****
I am going through my blog, as I write my book years later. February 1, 2012 to be exact. This is the one post that I must change..
Now, I no longer am protecting D. To go back to the phone call my Doc and I had. The one he told me to go to the ER. Well, I was in such debilitating pain, that that night I had a CT scan because they were all afraid I was having a heart attack. I thought I was as well. That is how badly I hurt. Do you know what D said when I said, We have to go to the ER? Sorry, I can't go. I need a break. I am not going to cancel my dinner plans with my friend and we are going to see a show. I can come see you tomorrow. Fuck him. I was so incredibly hurt by this. I was his wife at this point. But a wife that was starting to see the man I had chosen for myself. I was the type of woman that did everything around the house, even during treatment. I still tried grocery shopping, even if I had to ask someone at the grocery to push my cart through the isles. This sucked, and hurt, and tore a huge irreparable whole in my heart allowing me to see that the marriage I'd signed up for, was always, going to be about him.
Okay. Here's the deal. There are two water problems in my body right now and they are related. One being that my whole body is swollen with fluid. The way a body typically gets rid of this fluid is that it gets into your blood vessels and gets pumped through, by your heart, and eventually your kidneys pee it out. Here comes the second water problem. Which is, there is a pocket of water around my hear that is squeezing it. Which makes my heart beat as fast as if I was running. Which is insane. So..its working hard enough doing its thing, (very healthfully i will add) but it can't handle anything more. Like getting rid of my the water in my body. Which has caused a literal backup in my body. Its a vicious cycle.
So the problem with diuretics is two things. THe first thing is that it works on the first fluid problem, the fluid in my legs and everywhere else. Not the fluid around my heart and lungs, which by the way is worse now than last week, says the x-rays and another eccho tonight. The second problem with diuretics is that it lowers the amount of water in my vessels which means that squeezing around my heart would be allowed to squeeze my heart even more. Which would cause low blood pressure. And this would be dangerous.
So...they have now decided to do the heart tap, so that hopefully the vicious back-up problem can be fixed. I of coarse have feelings about this. But that is tomorrow or the next day.
My friend Tamara came and met me at the ER because I was very scared and sad and scared some more. I will write more later. I don't know how this is all going to work out. I am sure I won't die from getting my heart punctured. But just in case, I want to let those of you that know me, know that I love you all. And I have lived a wonder-filled life. And I do not regret anything. I have LIVED! I am just saying this, not to be melodramatic, but because often people hide and don't share how they really feel. So there you go!
****
I am going through my blog, as I write my book years later. February 1, 2012 to be exact. This is the one post that I must change..
Now, I no longer am protecting D. To go back to the phone call my Doc and I had. The one he told me to go to the ER. Well, I was in such debilitating pain, that that night I had a CT scan because they were all afraid I was having a heart attack. I thought I was as well. That is how badly I hurt. Do you know what D said when I said, We have to go to the ER? Sorry, I can't go. I need a break. I am not going to cancel my dinner plans with my friend and we are going to see a show. I can come see you tomorrow. Fuck him. I was so incredibly hurt by this. I was his wife at this point. But a wife that was starting to see the man I had chosen for myself. I was the type of woman that did everything around the house, even during treatment. I still tried grocery shopping, even if I had to ask someone at the grocery to push my cart through the isles. This sucked, and hurt, and tore a huge irreparable whole in my heart allowing me to see that the marriage I'd signed up for, was always, going to be about him.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Pissed off
I am so angry right now. Its seems that no one has a game plan on what to do. My cardiologist said that indeed it looks like I have more fluid around my heart, and in the left lung. He didn't see my right lung, because the eccho was for my heart, the left side. As of yesterday, so in 5 days I gained 8 pounds. Of water. My leggs are so swollen that its hard to walk and they hurt. When I do walk somewhere I start panting and get out of breath. My heart pounds when I am resting. So, my cardiologist said that my heart is healthy and though its getting squeezed right now, its not in danger. He wants to see me in another week.
I then spoke with my Onc and he gave me 3 choices for getting rid of the liquid in my lungs. Come now and go into the hospital and get it out, come (today, I spoke w/ him on thurs) and do an outpatient and get it out, or wait until Monday. Well, this was a tough call. But I had waited for 3 months for a class I had signed up for and I didn't want to cancel it. So I said wait until MOnday. But if things get worse, call the doctor on call over the weekend and get it out. Which I may do.
I am laying in bed with leggs up and they are literally burning. I forgot to ask my Onc what he wants to do for the swelling. I put a call into him today, but didn't hear back. I am super pissed off and nearing my end of patience. I want to be better and not struggling to live anymore. I am super SUPER over this.
I then spoke with my Onc and he gave me 3 choices for getting rid of the liquid in my lungs. Come now and go into the hospital and get it out, come (today, I spoke w/ him on thurs) and do an outpatient and get it out, or wait until Monday. Well, this was a tough call. But I had waited for 3 months for a class I had signed up for and I didn't want to cancel it. So I said wait until MOnday. But if things get worse, call the doctor on call over the weekend and get it out. Which I may do.
I am laying in bed with leggs up and they are literally burning. I forgot to ask my Onc what he wants to do for the swelling. I put a call into him today, but didn't hear back. I am super pissed off and nearing my end of patience. I want to be better and not struggling to live anymore. I am super SUPER over this.
Friday, January 9, 2009
Upside to technology
Wow! Swedish rocks! That's Swedish hospital for those of you that are out of towners. I just picked up the phone and ordered a huge meal. All I've eaten today was an egg on toast (of coarse.haha) and then I went to do the Bone scan. Which turned up AWESOME!!! Of coarse!! But back to the meal. So I went right after that to see my Onc and he was not so happy about what was happening. He said when I asked him how often this happens, and he said, "once in a career." So I am pretty sad about this. I have a considerable amount of water around my heart. So, they wheeled me on over to the main hospital and I sat here in my scrubbies and had tons of tests, and watched the clock click...for six hours before I saw the Cardiologist. I was begging for food. And finally I was given the okay.
It seems that when I first started talking to the cardiologist he wanted to do the tap right away, tonight he said. But then I asked if I'd be knocked out, and what the procedure is. He said no, i'd be awake, given a mild sedative so perhaps I wouldn't remember it. But I would need to lean forward so they could stick my lining of my heart sack with this needle and aspirate it. Well, from the look of horror I think he started back paddling and soon he story changed to just giving me an anti-inflammatory drug for a week and seeing how I respond. What it seems to me, is that what he said is that there is no way to find out if this is from a viral infection, if its from the taxotere, and then the other that my Onc has ruled out from cancer. So, its possible to find out by testing the fluid they pull out of its viral, but also this might not be able to come to a conclusion.
I'd rather not do the needle thing. It sounds traumatic.
So I just ate this huge meal, and then the nurse came in and said, "eat some more." I guess the med's their about to give me can mess up my stomach. So they want lots of food in there like you would IBproferan. I am going to sleep here tonight and wait for my Onc to get me out of here tomorrow morning.
Luckily D brought me my computer. He doesn't like hospitals at all, and was pretty squirmish until he left. I have become immune to this whole thing.
I feel sad and shocked and overwhelmed about this whole thing though. I almost start to cry and then I don't. Our house closed today in the midst of all this. I have been pretty stressed out with it. The buyers lender was a nightmare and so it was not a smooth closing.
So, I guess I get to go home and if I have any sudden light headedness, more pain in my chest, ect..then I am to call him again. I want to get out of here. The smells and cleaners remind me of getting chemo and make me sick.
I am off to watch TV and listen to my roomate snore. I wish this wasn't true, but I like hospital food. I know its gross. But I do love it
***
I just read this and I know it is all over the place and may not make sense. Its just how I feel right now.
It seems that when I first started talking to the cardiologist he wanted to do the tap right away, tonight he said. But then I asked if I'd be knocked out, and what the procedure is. He said no, i'd be awake, given a mild sedative so perhaps I wouldn't remember it. But I would need to lean forward so they could stick my lining of my heart sack with this needle and aspirate it. Well, from the look of horror I think he started back paddling and soon he story changed to just giving me an anti-inflammatory drug for a week and seeing how I respond. What it seems to me, is that what he said is that there is no way to find out if this is from a viral infection, if its from the taxotere, and then the other that my Onc has ruled out from cancer. So, its possible to find out by testing the fluid they pull out of its viral, but also this might not be able to come to a conclusion.
I'd rather not do the needle thing. It sounds traumatic.
So I just ate this huge meal, and then the nurse came in and said, "eat some more." I guess the med's their about to give me can mess up my stomach. So they want lots of food in there like you would IBproferan. I am going to sleep here tonight and wait for my Onc to get me out of here tomorrow morning.
Luckily D brought me my computer. He doesn't like hospitals at all, and was pretty squirmish until he left. I have become immune to this whole thing.
I feel sad and shocked and overwhelmed about this whole thing though. I almost start to cry and then I don't. Our house closed today in the midst of all this. I have been pretty stressed out with it. The buyers lender was a nightmare and so it was not a smooth closing.
So, I guess I get to go home and if I have any sudden light headedness, more pain in my chest, ect..then I am to call him again. I want to get out of here. The smells and cleaners remind me of getting chemo and make me sick.
I am off to watch TV and listen to my roomate snore. I wish this wasn't true, but I like hospital food. I know its gross. But I do love it
***
I just read this and I know it is all over the place and may not make sense. Its just how I feel right now.
Wednesday, December 24, 2008
Chemo Today
I had my chemo appointment early today and because of this I got to see many new faces. There were two young girls around my age. One older, and one younger. I wanted to walk up to them and ask, " What kind of cancer do you have?" And ask them about their story. I usually do this if I am by myself. But D was with me and so I didn't. The other reason I didn't is that I couldn't stop crying in there. It started when they were putting in my port. I was so overwhelmed with sadness for everyone in there today. I was sad for them that they were going through this and that we were all in there doing this on Christmas eve instead of out doing Christmassy things. LIke baking cookies, or simple merriment with family. D said he too was feeling really sad in there today.
This is the first chemo that once I was done with my treatment I could barely walk out of exhaustion to the car. Luckily D parked directly outside the Swedish Cancer Institute and so I was okay to walk to the truck.
But once I got home at one, I fell asleep. This sleep was an intensely deep barely could move a bone sleep. I just woke up, three hours later and feel good. When I was in getting my port the nurse in there looked at my fingernail that was coming off. As I was showing it to her, I squeezed it a bit and tons of puss came out from under the nail bed. My doc said just to soak my fingernails, all ten of them in epson salts twice a day for ten minutes. I am going to give it a whirl. At the present moment it doesn't hurt really at all, which i am very thankful for.
I think I feel good enough to try to make a desert for Christmas right now. But then again, I haven't stood up. Well see. I am so exhausted its hard to get excited that I only have two more left, but trust me, I am thrilled!!
Merry Christmas you guys. May this holiday great you with a kind and gentle kiss and hug from a healing wind, may your spirits feel the true spirit of giving and the healing that this act gives your heart, may with this returning of light fill your mind with the fact that all things change and are cyclical and may it remind us all that we are stronger than we ever knew possible, and lastly may you walk tall with the knowing that if you are battling something in life that you are the miracle and the light of the New year where every possibility resides. Blessings.
This is the first chemo that once I was done with my treatment I could barely walk out of exhaustion to the car. Luckily D parked directly outside the Swedish Cancer Institute and so I was okay to walk to the truck.
But once I got home at one, I fell asleep. This sleep was an intensely deep barely could move a bone sleep. I just woke up, three hours later and feel good. When I was in getting my port the nurse in there looked at my fingernail that was coming off. As I was showing it to her, I squeezed it a bit and tons of puss came out from under the nail bed. My doc said just to soak my fingernails, all ten of them in epson salts twice a day for ten minutes. I am going to give it a whirl. At the present moment it doesn't hurt really at all, which i am very thankful for.
I think I feel good enough to try to make a desert for Christmas right now. But then again, I haven't stood up. Well see. I am so exhausted its hard to get excited that I only have two more left, but trust me, I am thrilled!!
Merry Christmas you guys. May this holiday great you with a kind and gentle kiss and hug from a healing wind, may your spirits feel the true spirit of giving and the healing that this act gives your heart, may with this returning of light fill your mind with the fact that all things change and are cyclical and may it remind us all that we are stronger than we ever knew possible, and lastly may you walk tall with the knowing that if you are battling something in life that you are the miracle and the light of the New year where every possibility resides. Blessings.
Tuesday, December 23, 2008
Little Hopes
I have decided from the get go of this whole cancer thing to not dwell on future possibilities and to be in the present moment as much as possible. And more than any other time in my life I have been able to do this. This practice allows the possibilities to come through the thought process, acknowledge them and then let them go. One of those things is, Will I loose my fingernails? In this place of non-dwelling there is hope. Hope of coarse that whatever the random fear is, won't happen. Out of my 10 fingernails, only two have not turned black and blue and disgusting looking. Luckily all of them have stopped being numb and absolutely painful at the same time. But this morning one of the two that wasn't black and blue was numb and tonight it came right up off the nail bed. Not painful at all, although I didn't tug on it. It is still connected to the cuticle area, so I know have it securely wrapped with a bandage.
In the time that I realized indeed another one of those fears has manifested, I had to get sad. It is so disappointing and a bit crushing to my spirit to have my body that I cared for so tenderly for so many years literally falling apart. I feel the sadness for my fingernails in my solar plexus for some reason. Its a bit heavy there right now. Chemo got moved from my traditional afternoon appointment time to the morning, 9 am tomorrow. I agreed, and now wish I didn't. I would've like those extra five feel good hours. Christmas is going to be absolutely uneventful. I was going to cook a traditional Norwegian meal, but its just too much this year. I am exhausted and were going to rest. I feel really emotional that I have chemo tomorrow and that it's snowy and Christmas and I feel that this holiday is just breezing past us. I feel the spirit of Christmas, I've been singing all my favorite carols and such. It's just totally different this year. I can't put my finger on it other than it feels like Heather is gone some where else.
I ran into my yoga teacher today as I sat up at my real estate office for a bit this afternoon. I've known her since I was 17, so that's 16 years later. It was nice to see her today. She said oh, your such a Pitta and the chemo is so Pitta. Well, yes. I am, and it is, and maybe that is why its so incredibly difficult for me. But really, who is chemo not difficult on. Soon, soon, it will be all done. s
In the time that I realized indeed another one of those fears has manifested, I had to get sad. It is so disappointing and a bit crushing to my spirit to have my body that I cared for so tenderly for so many years literally falling apart. I feel the sadness for my fingernails in my solar plexus for some reason. Its a bit heavy there right now. Chemo got moved from my traditional afternoon appointment time to the morning, 9 am tomorrow. I agreed, and now wish I didn't. I would've like those extra five feel good hours. Christmas is going to be absolutely uneventful. I was going to cook a traditional Norwegian meal, but its just too much this year. I am exhausted and were going to rest. I feel really emotional that I have chemo tomorrow and that it's snowy and Christmas and I feel that this holiday is just breezing past us. I feel the spirit of Christmas, I've been singing all my favorite carols and such. It's just totally different this year. I can't put my finger on it other than it feels like Heather is gone some where else.
I ran into my yoga teacher today as I sat up at my real estate office for a bit this afternoon. I've known her since I was 17, so that's 16 years later. It was nice to see her today. She said oh, your such a Pitta and the chemo is so Pitta. Well, yes. I am, and it is, and maybe that is why its so incredibly difficult for me. But really, who is chemo not difficult on. Soon, soon, it will be all done. s
Monday, December 22, 2008
Weeping Eyes
I went to the eye doctor today. He said that everything is fine, he thinks. He flushed my tear ducts with a huge freakin' needle. The way you do this is the doctor puts in numbing eye drops (but you still can feel, maybe its just the pressure I felt) and with a huge needle when you're wide awake he sticks it into your lower tear duct and flushes some kind of fluid in there. It clears open the duct and drains to the back of your throat/nose. D was in the room with us just talking away and I was in such a panic telling myself, don't move, don't move, just breathe. Luckily the doctor asked him to stop talking while he was doing this. I couldn't talk and before I knew it it was all over.
He is one of the nicest doctors I get to work with through all this cancer stuff. His appointment today burst my heart open again with hope and I am no longer worried that my life is going to be full of tissue and tears. If you think about it, it is one thing to have an emotional upset in your home. But if you are bald, and walking down the street dabbing your eyes, it looks like you're crying when you're not.
So, I am thrilled that the doc thinks everything will be fine. He said that the next few weeks we just need to keep the ducts open while doing the chemo. And then about six months after treatment my eyes should be back to normal.
I am feeling really good today. Not sick to my stomach at all. Here is a link to a picture so you can check out the anatomy of the eye.
http://www.goldblumeye.com/Web%20Pages/NLDO.HTM
He is one of the nicest doctors I get to work with through all this cancer stuff. His appointment today burst my heart open again with hope and I am no longer worried that my life is going to be full of tissue and tears. If you think about it, it is one thing to have an emotional upset in your home. But if you are bald, and walking down the street dabbing your eyes, it looks like you're crying when you're not.
So, I am thrilled that the doc thinks everything will be fine. He said that the next few weeks we just need to keep the ducts open while doing the chemo. And then about six months after treatment my eyes should be back to normal.
I am feeling really good today. Not sick to my stomach at all. Here is a link to a picture so you can check out the anatomy of the eye.
http://www.goldblumeye.com/Web%20Pages/NLDO.HTM
Tuesday, December 9, 2008
Yoga
I jumped over a hurdle yesterday, one that I've been scared to do, but I did it. I went to my first yoga class that cancerlifeline(.org) offers. It was in West Seattle at the 8 limbs studio. I was scared to feel my pain, my sadness, to be silent and listen to my heart, my feelings, my spirit. My spirit that doesn't change, that hasn't changed, that no one or nothing can change, my resilient self, and be with her. And I knew there was a lot of grieving in this place. Before I went I spoke with my friend Gen, and I said something about me being changed, a different person. And she said tentatively, not really, you're still the same. And I am. And I am not. There is the new normal, or the new me, that Survivors speak of. And I agree. And yesterday in yoga, I got to disagree too. I'll get to that moment in a second..But first
I had to walk in to the class. Up three flights of stairs, I was tired by the time I got up there. I was the only one there for a few minutes and was worried the class was not going to happen. But then the teacher came. As I introduced myself and she asked questions about my journey, I told her that I hadn't wanted to be in touch with myself since I was diagnosed. And I was going to probably cry a lot through the class. She told me that was totally fine, and to do whatever I needed to do. Some people even sleep, she said.
Sure enough, as I layed on my mat (my own mat that was being newly christened) in a room of other women that all had had cancer or were care-givers. We have all been affected by cancer. And I just bawled. I sobbed. I breathed, and sobbed. I dabbed my tears, and sobbed some more. "Heather, there you are." There you are sweet one. I was so sad. I have gone through so much, in such a little amount of time. So, we did a relaxation technique and the gentle yoga made my muscles quiver and shake as they remembered that they are supposed to be long and lean, not taught and bound. Opening, my muscles, my heart, my soul, my child in me, my scared adult, my fear, my love, my future, my present.
The one thing that drove me a little crazy was that the teacher through the entire class spoke, and she spoke of being present, and not thinking in the future. And this probably was helpful for the care givers in the class. But to me, I thought, how could a Survivor get through what we have to get through if she isn't living in the present. My yoga class was a world of difference for this one reason. I think I have really learned and gotten closer to reaching the idea of being in the present. I wanted to tell the teacher this. To tell her that she was putting fear in the room by talking about not being in the future and not worrying about the future. But I didn't. Her words got me out of the present, and so I was able to stop crying, and I just pretended that I was in a room with someone that was trying to brain wash me and I wasn't listening to her anymore. I just sank deeper into my own breath and my own stretching.
As my little body moved with the ebb and flow of my breath, I found that the fear that resided in the idea that I've heard over and over, that I will be a different person, I decided that was a bunch of balony. I am not a different person. I am still Heather, just a Heather that has grown into a deeper place of spiritual deepness. One that has had to learn to open when I didn't think I could open anymore, and be still when I didn't think I could ever be that still, and I got to grab tightly to Heathers hand yesterday. Soon, before I know it, I will be up and running again.
I had to walk in to the class. Up three flights of stairs, I was tired by the time I got up there. I was the only one there for a few minutes and was worried the class was not going to happen. But then the teacher came. As I introduced myself and she asked questions about my journey, I told her that I hadn't wanted to be in touch with myself since I was diagnosed. And I was going to probably cry a lot through the class. She told me that was totally fine, and to do whatever I needed to do. Some people even sleep, she said.
Sure enough, as I layed on my mat (my own mat that was being newly christened) in a room of other women that all had had cancer or were care-givers. We have all been affected by cancer. And I just bawled. I sobbed. I breathed, and sobbed. I dabbed my tears, and sobbed some more. "Heather, there you are." There you are sweet one. I was so sad. I have gone through so much, in such a little amount of time. So, we did a relaxation technique and the gentle yoga made my muscles quiver and shake as they remembered that they are supposed to be long and lean, not taught and bound. Opening, my muscles, my heart, my soul, my child in me, my scared adult, my fear, my love, my future, my present.
The one thing that drove me a little crazy was that the teacher through the entire class spoke, and she spoke of being present, and not thinking in the future. And this probably was helpful for the care givers in the class. But to me, I thought, how could a Survivor get through what we have to get through if she isn't living in the present. My yoga class was a world of difference for this one reason. I think I have really learned and gotten closer to reaching the idea of being in the present. I wanted to tell the teacher this. To tell her that she was putting fear in the room by talking about not being in the future and not worrying about the future. But I didn't. Her words got me out of the present, and so I was able to stop crying, and I just pretended that I was in a room with someone that was trying to brain wash me and I wasn't listening to her anymore. I just sank deeper into my own breath and my own stretching.
As my little body moved with the ebb and flow of my breath, I found that the fear that resided in the idea that I've heard over and over, that I will be a different person, I decided that was a bunch of balony. I am not a different person. I am still Heather, just a Heather that has grown into a deeper place of spiritual deepness. One that has had to learn to open when I didn't think I could open anymore, and be still when I didn't think I could ever be that still, and I got to grab tightly to Heathers hand yesterday. Soon, before I know it, I will be up and running again.
Thursday, November 20, 2008
Another one bites the dust..
Yesterday, is now behind me. Chemotherapy number 11. I have actually done eleven chemotherapies. To get through this I just have had to keep my head down and go. Move. Don't think to much, little one. Just do it. Just get your port put in. Don't think, feel a bit, and move forward. Yesterday, I let myself think about the monstrosity of chemo and what I have actually gone through. All the stuff. The IVF stuff, all the injections I had to give myself, all the emotions of coming to grips with possibly not getting to have my own kids someday, all the tests, the hair cuts, the hair falling out, the sleepless nights, the not feeling good, the losing and tearing away of the veils of my former life, on and on the list goes. I let myself think about my these feets yesterday. I have actually allowed myself to receive eleven chemo's so far. Incredilbe. There are tears running down my face right now.
Yep, I have only five more and I can't wait. I am a little scared of all the tears that will start percolating in early March, when I am all done, and am safe to REALLY start processing. You know, when you go traveling to a third world place and you are suddenly able to live and do things that you in your first world mentalities would never allow yourself to come in contact with, and you can fully function and love life in this new way. I've always wondered how I was able to live with the people in West Africa for as long as I did. And I loved every moment of it. Having cancer is sortof like this. I for some reason, am able to transcend my old way of being, (although its just in reach, whenever I am ready to go back to it) and do and go through things that I once didn't know I could go through. We are all like this. We are so much more than we ever really know.
I had relatives this past winter tell me and D that they didn't think I could handle being on Survivor. It was such a funny statement to me when they said this. First of all, it was clear they didn't know who I was very well, and secondly to think that a human spirit isn't able to transcend was such a foreign concept to me. This is what WE do. This IS life. And WE all do it, daily. Maybe not Cancer level, or Survivor level, or Africa level, but we do it. Its how we survive what we call life. Its our opportunity to grow spiritually.
So, here I am unable to sleep and thinking about what I've done so far. I told my Onc yesterday that if there are any microscopic cancer cells that have not been killed, and rear their heads on a MRI in a couple years (it takes sometimes, a few years to grow large enough to be detected) that i wasn't sure if I'd go through this again. He said, that right about now this is how everyone feels. I have been, not out of morbidity, but out of the very real fact that it could happen, thinking about my action plan if it does come back. I told my Onc that I was thinking a nice beach in Costa Rica would be a good way to go, instead of poisoning myself in my last days in hopes that something works.
He told me, that he's giving me the most powerful chemo drugs he can this time, in hopes that that doens't happen. The brite side, is if it does come back, he'd give me lessor powerful drugs to see if that would do the trick. And in a couple years, the medicine will have new innovative treatments. He told me its common to go through this. Which leads me to thinking about how vulnerable I will feel when this is all done.
As it is right now, each day I have to stop myself from doing breast exams. I keep thinking I feel lumps, and panicking. D, reminds me that my Onc, "the best guy in the state to do a breast exam, Heather" just did one last week and you are OKAY. Right. I am okay. Sure. Sure. Its so unsettling. I already know that I am going to NEED a few support groups and I can't wait to start turning this blog, into a book. This process is really going to help my process.re
Yep, I have only five more and I can't wait. I am a little scared of all the tears that will start percolating in early March, when I am all done, and am safe to REALLY start processing. You know, when you go traveling to a third world place and you are suddenly able to live and do things that you in your first world mentalities would never allow yourself to come in contact with, and you can fully function and love life in this new way. I've always wondered how I was able to live with the people in West Africa for as long as I did. And I loved every moment of it. Having cancer is sortof like this. I for some reason, am able to transcend my old way of being, (although its just in reach, whenever I am ready to go back to it) and do and go through things that I once didn't know I could go through. We are all like this. We are so much more than we ever really know.
I had relatives this past winter tell me and D that they didn't think I could handle being on Survivor. It was such a funny statement to me when they said this. First of all, it was clear they didn't know who I was very well, and secondly to think that a human spirit isn't able to transcend was such a foreign concept to me. This is what WE do. This IS life. And WE all do it, daily. Maybe not Cancer level, or Survivor level, or Africa level, but we do it. Its how we survive what we call life. Its our opportunity to grow spiritually.
So, here I am unable to sleep and thinking about what I've done so far. I told my Onc yesterday that if there are any microscopic cancer cells that have not been killed, and rear their heads on a MRI in a couple years (it takes sometimes, a few years to grow large enough to be detected) that i wasn't sure if I'd go through this again. He said, that right about now this is how everyone feels. I have been, not out of morbidity, but out of the very real fact that it could happen, thinking about my action plan if it does come back. I told my Onc that I was thinking a nice beach in Costa Rica would be a good way to go, instead of poisoning myself in my last days in hopes that something works.
He told me, that he's giving me the most powerful chemo drugs he can this time, in hopes that that doens't happen. The brite side, is if it does come back, he'd give me lessor powerful drugs to see if that would do the trick. And in a couple years, the medicine will have new innovative treatments. He told me its common to go through this. Which leads me to thinking about how vulnerable I will feel when this is all done.
As it is right now, each day I have to stop myself from doing breast exams. I keep thinking I feel lumps, and panicking. D, reminds me that my Onc, "the best guy in the state to do a breast exam, Heather" just did one last week and you are OKAY. Right. I am okay. Sure. Sure. Its so unsettling. I already know that I am going to NEED a few support groups and I can't wait to start turning this blog, into a book. This process is really going to help my process.re
Saturday, November 8, 2008
Egg nog
Yesterday, as I was on the ferry going home, I got really sick. It felt like I had a fever with chills and body aches. I layed in bed from 3 until I fell asleep. I called my Dad and my sister and had a big cry. Its been a while. I did have a fever and I felt horrible. I had egg nog earlier in the day and was worried that I had gotten sick from the raw eggs. But this morning I feel fine, actually totally fine and am going to do a massage this afternoon. I've been laying in bed this morning, watching murderous shows. I am scared out of my mind right now. I am going to go rake some leaves for a bit to get a little exercise.
Friday, September 26, 2008
Chemo Nurse
I woke up and cried last night. I remembered that in my chemo induced fog, last time I was at the hospital my chemo nurse Cara told me that it was the last time I'd see her. I was so sad to say goodbye. She is one of two nurses that has always given me my chemo. They are both my age, a bit younger and are traveling nurses. It is crazy that I just processed it. Chemo makes me so icky and all I can do is focus on me and getting better that now that I am better I remembered and I am sad about her departure.
I have officially reached the point that anytime I even write chemo, I get sick. My mouth waters and I get a full body "Icky" feel. Ewhh!!
The changing weather has given me an invigoring feel the past few days. I love my head being cold and not hot. I never realized how many spider webs my head goes through with hair. Now, I notice it a few times a day. My taste buds are still wacked out. Water tastes like poison. I can't handle anything spicy. Not even pepper.
I can't wait till the debate tonight. I can hardly wait actually.
I have officially reached the point that anytime I even write chemo, I get sick. My mouth waters and I get a full body "Icky" feel. Ewhh!!
The changing weather has given me an invigoring feel the past few days. I love my head being cold and not hot. I never realized how many spider webs my head goes through with hair. Now, I notice it a few times a day. My taste buds are still wacked out. Water tastes like poison. I can't handle anything spicy. Not even pepper.
I can't wait till the debate tonight. I can hardly wait actually.
Thursday, September 25, 2008
Sad for a friend
Today I ran into another Keller Williams agent that just had surgery on his neck. Within one month, a tumor grew and he found out that though it didn't appear on MRI to be cancer, that the surgeon said it looked like it was. I couldn't help but get sad for him and his lovely family. What choked me up was when he talked about the things that could've happened during the surgery and how lucky he was that that didn't happen. I said to him, "Yeah, but even if it did it doesn't matter because your alive." He and his wife, now having entered the cancer realm knew what I meant, and he said, " Its true. Life is so precious." It killed me. It killed me because I was/am so sad that another person has to look at life in such a serious paradigm shifted way. Sad, that they are sad.
Off to do a few massages. On my merry little way. Loving it..
Off to do a few massages. On my merry little way. Loving it..
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