Falls call

What a whirlwind of a summer. I find myself this fall, having random flashbacks of events from last year. Like yesterday, I was speaking with a friend who has taken a role in my life as a Great-Aunt, and we were talking about the West Seattle Junction Halloween party for young kids. And suddenly I was taken back, to hanging out in my office in West Seattle, at Keller Williams with my friend Kristen and her young daughter. I was too sick, too weak to walk around with them., so I just hung out in the office and watched all the youngsters in their adorable costumes. I was so sick. Ugh! I had lost my hair and I was just trying so hard to "do" something that day. Its hard to not cry thinking of that time. I would not want anyone to go through that. Ugh! I got through it. I am and we are stronger than we can ever imagine. Which brings me to the other day at my Acupuncturists office.

As I laid on her table with all the needles in me, the lights were turned off, and I went into the Savahsana mindfulness, and my Spirit said to me, "Hi, Soldier. There you are. You can relax now. You are safe. Be still." And all I did was weep. But then the needles started hurting so I stopped, LOL. I realized in that moment, that yes, I have had to be a Soldier to get through this. A fierce soldier. A fierce athlete. A fierce everything. Its time to be softer on an energetic level now. But the Soldier keeps fear at bay.

I have been wading through the feelings of fear the past few weeks. Slowly since my ritual, it has begun creeping up and flittering about in my psychic fields. I am safe, in the present moment. That is all we ever know, right? My three month appointment is coming up in a few weeks, but I have been a little panicky so I am going to see my Onc on the 4th instead. There has been a little lump above my scar and he felt it three months ago. But I have felt it again, and it freaks me out. I need him to just do a biopsy of it, so I can let go of any fear around it. Its one thing for him to say its scar tissue, and yes I did just have a free and clear Mammo and MRI, but still...there's no problem with double checking, or for that matter triple checking.

Where the fear also comes from is my initial doc missed my lump. She dismissed it as just a cyst, or whatever it was she thought because she never told me. She simply hesitated over it, and kept going and then said I was good to go. She was the first lesson I learned in that Doctors are just people, practicing medicine. And it is up to us to be our own advocates and I want the lump/scar tissue biopsied, end of story.

I honestly 100% believe the acupuncturist is going to get my moon to come back. My ovaries felt really warm for the past few days, and I just have a good feeling about it. She told me to eat lots of meat, and to stay stress free. Of coarse the Cancer ND's tell me stay away from meat. And my Onc tells me, no red meat, but to eat anything else...except sugar.

Which brings me to my newest thought about this NO sugar diet. Okay...so..if cancer feeds on sugar because it runs faster than anything else in the body. So when you have a sugar spike it jumps on that and has a feeding frenzy like a shark to a nice bloody tuna head. But....that shark had to be in the water in the FIRST PLACE. Just having the bloody tuna head does not cause the shark to suddenly be made and plopped into the ocean.
You are following me right? Eating Sugar does NOT cause Cancer to begin. If I have cancer still after all that chemo and radiation then I still have cancer, in its microscopic form. And the sugar will just cause the cancer to speed up, but not create it in the first place.

So....that is my newest thought.

Horrible sleep

I have been sleeping pretty well the past few nights, but not last night. Went to bed at usual 830 but woke up all through the night. At one point I thought about how scared I really am. To get through this I haven't allowed myself to feel the fear mainly because the fear isn't a healthy place to visit nor reside in for a period of time. I don't feel safe feeling the fear, nor acknowledging it alone. I am going to start seeing and oncology therapist and I will do that with her.
Today i have a few massages early this morning, and then and HIV/AIDS continuing ed class for massage. I took the class 14 years ago, so I thought it was time for a recap.
I am seriously beginning to dream of my veggie garden I am going to have this year. The entire time I've lived in the city I have always thought that living in the city one doesn't get to have a big garden. This year, I thought what balonie and I am going to have one, the size I'd have on Vashon! I'm excited.

Ode to the Popsicle

I just bought my last fruit sweetened popsicle box.  Strawberry, with yummy little chunks of berries in it.  Innately I know that I need to cut out all sweets.  I know that cancer feeds on sugar. End of story.  I have for the past month, forced myself to stop going to the bakery.  I went once and got a quiche.  That sucks compared to a twice baked almond croissant from my favorite bakery in West Seattle, Bakery Nouveau. This is a bakery-a-holics nightmare distance of just four blocks east from my home.  

I keep teasing and testing myself since I found out I have breast cancer.  This is how it goes in my head, "If I don't get cancer back, then I will never know if changing my diet mattered.  If I do get it back, then I will either have something to take out, if I don't take it out now.  How much do I want to risk, or how much do I want to eliminate all the things I can blame if it does come back."  But today, in Susan Loves Breast Book I read this golden tidbit, " It just illustrates that we have only odds, no certainty; to some extent, it's a crap shoot.  You have to just search your heart and make your own choice."  I can and do have the same philosophy with my journy with every freaking aspect.  This WHOLE DAMN THING IS A CRAPSHOOT!  Crapshoot, crapshoot, crapshoot.  No certainty.  No, noone knows if everything is going to be okay.  And that is the thrill of life.  Don't you see.  

We all seek and desire these limits.  Our limits.  I am just on a journey with limits I didn't want to explore.  But I get to explore them.  I get to see how my body will fight its good fight against breast cancer.  And it is my responsibility to do everything I can to put the right fuel in my machine.  Would I before a big run drink a milkshake and eat a popsicle.  No.  So, I get to juice lots of greens, and carrots, and ginger, and, and, and....  

Today, I felt awesome.  Until we got outside.  We walked up to the west seattle farmer's market.  I got up there and ran into my friend Marni.  In the middle of our conversation I started feeling dizzy and really weak and I had to leave.  We got home, and watched another documentary on the Golden Gate Bridge.  Then I thought I was okay to go the grocery store.  I get tired, really tired within about ten minutes of being away from the house.  I think its running into "normal" people and telling them about my experience and knowing that they just don't get it.  The feel for me, but no one knows unless you've gone through it.  If I wasn't such a people person I could see how someone could indulge in this separateness.  It could be lonely.  If any of you survivors are feeling lonely, I always find just talking to other survivors to be very empowering.  They remind me that its totally normal how I am feeling, and that always helps.  

My fear disappeared for a few days.  But I am scared again.  Although its not in my nodes, it still comes down to the, its a crapshoot thing.  It sure will be interesting to see my destiny.  This may sound grim, but its just life.  The bug that flew into your windshield didn't mean to, it just was on its merry little way, and bam.  Dead.  We all joke that we could die on the way to work in a car crash, or whatever, but its true.  I am a tenacious fighter, and I can totally hippie out and focus on those cells in meditation and I will start that this week.  This week, I have to start back on the hippie train.  Hard core.  But it is a crapshoot.

   

List of Potions

Here is the List of Potions and photos of me taking them, as of 6/27/2008. 

1. F18-Radio Isotope for the Bone Scan

2. Liquid Oral contrast w/ Barium a disgusting Berry or Vanilla Flavored Drink

3. IV Contrast with Iodine (this is the one that gave me the heat wave sensation)

4. F18-FDG as an IV again Radio Isotopes   So 2-4 were for PET/CT scans

5. IV Liquid Contrast w/ Gadolinium for the MRI