379 Posts...

You know, its really hard to stop writing here. So, today, as I sit for my latest three month appointment in a room of folks with varying hair lengths and varying levels of anxiety (both partners and loved ones and patients) I sit waiting for my name to be called. I really try to let the scared feelings of "what if its back" stay out of my mind. I am pretty much a believer in my "cancer free" status, even though I have not been told I am yet by my doctor. I haven't been declared NED. Maybe I should ask him today if I am. Or when I get to be. I am here for a few things and a few of them have been driving me crazy. One that started when I ran my 18 miler, my body started retaining water and has slowly kept this up. Last check up I was the heaviest ever in my life, and even my doc was shocked once he saw my numbers..I have been traveling a bit and airplanes are a nightmare for me. For some reason the retention stays for weeks, and does not go away without water tabs. Then I lose about 5-7 pounds in one night, and still my legs are full of fluid. I can feel it, its uncomfortable to say the least, and I want an answer. No more, well...that's just what happened because of chemo. I want to find someone to explain to me, why and how, and then I can rest. Because in this unknown is where the scared, "is it back" feelings go. I start worrying that there is undetected cancer somewhere causing the retention. My latest vacations have been really almost unbearable with this. I swell, and secretly worry a lot. I finally am talking about it. Okay, now I am back in the little room. The room where I've sat with D, and was initially told all about my cancer, the room that I sat processing all the icky stuff that happened to me, the room that I sit cancer free? No one knows that for sure, that is why I still have to come back here every three months..I wonder when I get to graduate to every six months. There is a question about that..that is why he didn't graduate me yet. hhmmm...so I guess my fretting is okay, and maybe its okay to talk to the loves in my life about it.
There is a sense of...I have worried them all so much and talked to them what feels like to me, till they are all cancer blue in the face, and I just don't want to worry any of them. Its been easier to just talk to my cancer therapist about it (she's very concerned and is the reason I sit here today) and just let everyone go back to living their little lives. My life has gone back to a near normal. But it hasn't arrived yet to my New Normal. I am still figuring it all out.
The other thing we are keeping an eye on are my hormone levels. They were very, very, very low six months ago..low as in there is no way you will come out of menopause...but miracles do happen. To starting my moon, and the numbers coming up ever so slightly to my Onc saying, "maybe you are just doing a sporadic sloughing, and still kid...don't get your hopes up." To, know this past month, I've had two moons, and I think last time I was a little nutty. Maybe. I have NEVER in my life gotten nutty with hormones, but maybe my body just got inundated with them and my counts are way up. I am trying to not get hopeful, and excited about this. We will see. What I do know, is that I am living life to the freaking fullest. There has not been one missed opportunity to have fun. I have started opening my heart and falling in love with a dear tender soul, and that feels good and scary and beautiful.
Life is full. Excited to have my Onc walk in and give him a hug. I can feel the tears already.

Did I? uhh..No

I have been grappling with wether or not to post this, but have decided to be brave and do, strictly for you other breast cancer survivors that are young. Just a quick requests for all my beloveds in my life, reading this, if I have not brought this up to you, please do not talk to me about it. Gulp..here I go..

You all know how badly I want(ed) to be a mom. I am now going to not capitalize the word, and will also add (ed), as in what limbo state am I in? Or more importantly who am I trying to fool? Or who am I trying to just live with, in this present moment, and not start planning and living thoughts for tomorrow that I may not even need to worry about.

Ok...no more stalling. After my long runs (I just completed an 18 miler last Saturday) I bleed for a day..a small amount, but blood is present nonetheless. On Sunday, this was still occurring so I called a few of my closest and shared. Everyone got really excited. I was secretly excited, that is why I called. I wanted to share my potential news. Like, HEY!!! I THINK I STARTED. I even have allowed myself to start planning my party, if it comes back. Setting myself up for failure? Uh, No. Just dreaming. Everyone will have to wear red.. : ) Who would've thought I'd ever be planning a party for this! Too funny. Really? You got to laugh.

I am also planning for the ritual of embracing its non-return as well. Tight rope. Or how about just no rope, Heather. In the present moment its not happening, you still have some more time ahead of you.

What is odd to me is all the self-awareness I carry with me now. In the present moment, I pay attention to everything now. I listen very carefully to everyone now. I listen very closely to my feelings, my thoughts, my process.

When I phone my friends and sister, I heard their delight. I found that I was detached. The Tigger in me, the one that wants to jump and play, was wrapped in bubble wrap. Its great listening to everyones responses, don't get me wrong. They mimic the joy that is in my soul. Its just hard, sharing sometimes. Being vulnerable with me...myself..and I.

I can feel my ovaries getting warm, like in my pre-moon days before cancer. The hot flashes and night sweats are totally gone. I hope they stay at bay. It feels like my body is trying to work. It wants to work, it wants to have a baby in a magickal way. I have always thought of looking someone (I wonder who that will be.. smile to the unknowns) in the eye, and calling forth those spirits (with all fingers crossed for twins) and consciously conceiving. I even have the book, Conscious Conception. Great book, by the way.

Anyways, those are thoughts for the future, because a year from now, it will be very evident if I am going to get my moon back or not. My Onc, thinks I'll know in the next three months. Or wait...a few months have gone by already. I am scheduled to go in after my marathon. In the beginning of May..(I am going to give him a picture (I'm giving one to my surgeon and eye doc too) of me running through the finish line with my medallion around my neck!

Ok....I'm going to stop the what if's. The possible painful possibilities. There is so much sadness around this that bubble wrap very tightly can contain it. Talking about it seems to pop one of those bubbles, which I love, but its just safer to keep the precious cargo protected right now. I have a race to finish, and then a blood draw. Until then, I am going to stay focused, and real. If I feel like crying, I'll cry, and just be with myself..and those unborn babes I have since I was a little girl talked about with everyone.

Which one is worse?

I don't know what would be worse, if I got my cancer back, or the news I just found out. For a woman like me, all she's dreamt about is having children of her own, One Day. To watch their faces lite up when they first learn how to ride a bike, the pain in their eyes when they get stung by a bee, the whole thing. I"ll back track.

Chemo puts girls/woman my age into a Chemopause like state. My Onc told me I had a 50/50 chance of getting my period back. I went through the fertility steps of harvesting eggs. I got 6. I ruined 3 with my X, because in the fertilized state they are hardier and have more of chance of being a viable pregnancy. So now, I just have 3. Chances of that working are 30% maybe a little lower.

I went to see my Onc a few days ago. My tumor markers are low, Yay...at 12. I told him through tears in my eyes, "It would just be nice to know if I am going to get my moon back." He said that usually it comes back within in a year, I am a year and two months out. It should've come back by now, he said. So, he went on to explain that we should do a hormone level on my blood draw as well. If the number is high then my chances are good that I'll get it back. If they are medium, chances pretty low. If they come in low, exteremely doubtful.

Well, I just got his call, and they are a 6. VERY, VERY low. WOman my age that are pre-menopausal are between 15-26. He said that at my next check-up if it hasn't come back, that we need to talk about Osteoporosis, ect....I'm so sad.

He said that it still could come back. And we all know how incredible bodies are. But, I need to be pragmatic, I need to move on, and forward. The limbo state is very, very hard.

At least I know. Now I can begin my process of mourning. I have three eggs. If that doesn't work I can use my sisters, and fertilize it, then I can carry a baby. I still can do that. If that fails, then I can adopt, and I have two incredible soul friends that have been examples of this love. So sad.

I will probably never ever bleed again. I guess, I can embrace all the night sweat/hot flash herbs now. I am going to make a ritual for this. I have to. It is a rites of passage. One that I am sad to be embracing. But embrace it I will.

Falls call

What a whirlwind of a summer. I find myself this fall, having random flashbacks of events from last year. Like yesterday, I was speaking with a friend who has taken a role in my life as a Great-Aunt, and we were talking about the West Seattle Junction Halloween party for young kids. And suddenly I was taken back, to hanging out in my office in West Seattle, at Keller Williams with my friend Kristen and her young daughter. I was too sick, too weak to walk around with them., so I just hung out in the office and watched all the youngsters in their adorable costumes. I was so sick. Ugh! I had lost my hair and I was just trying so hard to "do" something that day. Its hard to not cry thinking of that time. I would not want anyone to go through that. Ugh! I got through it. I am and we are stronger than we can ever imagine. Which brings me to the other day at my Acupuncturists office.

As I laid on her table with all the needles in me, the lights were turned off, and I went into the Savahsana mindfulness, and my Spirit said to me, "Hi, Soldier. There you are. You can relax now. You are safe. Be still." And all I did was weep. But then the needles started hurting so I stopped, LOL. I realized in that moment, that yes, I have had to be a Soldier to get through this. A fierce soldier. A fierce athlete. A fierce everything. Its time to be softer on an energetic level now. But the Soldier keeps fear at bay.

I have been wading through the feelings of fear the past few weeks. Slowly since my ritual, it has begun creeping up and flittering about in my psychic fields. I am safe, in the present moment. That is all we ever know, right? My three month appointment is coming up in a few weeks, but I have been a little panicky so I am going to see my Onc on the 4th instead. There has been a little lump above my scar and he felt it three months ago. But I have felt it again, and it freaks me out. I need him to just do a biopsy of it, so I can let go of any fear around it. Its one thing for him to say its scar tissue, and yes I did just have a free and clear Mammo and MRI, but still...there's no problem with double checking, or for that matter triple checking.

Where the fear also comes from is my initial doc missed my lump. She dismissed it as just a cyst, or whatever it was she thought because she never told me. She simply hesitated over it, and kept going and then said I was good to go. She was the first lesson I learned in that Doctors are just people, practicing medicine. And it is up to us to be our own advocates and I want the lump/scar tissue biopsied, end of story.

I honestly 100% believe the acupuncturist is going to get my moon to come back. My ovaries felt really warm for the past few days, and I just have a good feeling about it. She told me to eat lots of meat, and to stay stress free. Of coarse the Cancer ND's tell me stay away from meat. And my Onc tells me, no red meat, but to eat anything else...except sugar.

Which brings me to my newest thought about this NO sugar diet. Okay...so..if cancer feeds on sugar because it runs faster than anything else in the body. So when you have a sugar spike it jumps on that and has a feeding frenzy like a shark to a nice bloody tuna head. But....that shark had to be in the water in the FIRST PLACE. Just having the bloody tuna head does not cause the shark to suddenly be made and plopped into the ocean.
You are following me right? Eating Sugar does NOT cause Cancer to begin. If I have cancer still after all that chemo and radiation then I still have cancer, in its microscopic form. And the sugar will just cause the cancer to speed up, but not create it in the first place.

So....that is my newest thought.

The anger of Blood

Okay, yesterday as I was massaging I revisited the hard part of my weekend. The hard part being the part that I had the base emotion of anger when hearing about woman laugh and joke about their menopause symptoms. Hell..I laugh about mine. What more can you do right? But in the care, in the safety of others that have been through it, I was able to be in the anger. I say as tears stream down my face. Its not quite time to do a ritual about my chemopause. Because I still am in belief that it is Chemopause, and not menopause. This morning I woke up to my ovaries feeling really warm.
But back to the safety. I could miss the opportunity to get real with myself. But luckily I am looking at it. I want to be a mom more than anything in the world, well...besides getting to be healthy for their lives (of coarse there is a their~I want twins....). This has been the hardest part of this whole, "Heather, you have cancer." Thing. And now its a, "Heather, you HAD cancer." And I just simply want my life to be back. I want my ovaries to work. I want to sweat again. Funny thing at the retreat, I found out that I am not alone with that one. There are others that have never starting sweating in their arms again. I have not under the right one.
So...The Anger..deserves to be capitalized. It deserves to have an alter made for itself. And it deserves to be acknowledge so that I can get to the real feelings of sadness, despair, hope, and trust. I just need to trust. If it doesn't come back, I have those little frozen eggs. And if those don't work...there are lots of fertility options and then adoption...but I really want to have my own, in some form.
I am so thankful for Casting For Recovery. I feel like I have been walking through a jungle to get to a lake, for nine months, or however long its been that my moon went away. Now, I am standing at the lake, just looking at it. And all the feelings that I have about my moon going on vacation, swims in the lake. CFR allowed me the space, the grace, and the ungrace, to finally see myself at the waters edge. Each day, I now need to look for a rock that speaks to this pain, and start piling my rocks into a pile, and talking to the rock that I place there. Sharing my pain, sharing my wishes. I need to let go of this grief. I am scared to. Maybe more scared than anything so far on this journey to health. I have to use all the lessons Cancer taught me to get through this. Time to surrender and to open my palm even more, and just love myself and be with myself. Be with my ovaries. Be with my blood, that circulates through my body. And a famous sentence my Dad always says, that has been so helpful during this past year pops into my head again, "Heather, there is no reason to stress over it, stressing over it won't change a thing."
I am heading out to Vashon in a few hours. I am going to start my rock pile out there next to my favorite pond. Fisher Pond.

I figured it out

Phew! These steroids are making me hungry this time. Bizarre! Last time I was on Predisone they didn't make me hungry at all. I didn't sleep well without a pill, but I didn't wake up starving. I am not letting myself eat out of ordinary times right now. So I am just sitting with the hunger. I am sick of being heavy. Over it. Totally.
As a watchful young woman, I have witnessed all these beautiful women in my life get old. Or I have met them once they are old, and lamenting on the "good old days, of being "hot" I understand, more than ever know. But I understood before cancer. Vanity, and pride are huge ego boosters. And so not what is real, nor what matters. Before cancer, I understood this, I did, and so I always had a little less patience for it. Hearing all these grown women gawk at their arms, their wrinkles, their thighs, their whatever wasn't up to their par. As a young woman looking at these women, and hearing them, I always do and have seen their power that comes with those changes, and personally felt their beauty deeper than the peripheral they were grieving the loss of.
Basically, I wanted to say to them, " Get over it. Its not what lifes about. Love yourself, accept yourself."
I think one of the hardest parts of being a woman in America/Canada/Europe, wherever, is that we have a lack of ritual to guide us through our losses and our rites of passages. We have long ago let that go, and I think it makes it harder for, in this case, a woman to "change".
I've changed. I took down the pictures of myself two days ago. Pictures of my once beautiful, long hair, in various shades. The joy I had kills me to look at now. I am joyful, no one, not even cancer can take that away from me. I was born spastic for life, not crawling, but got up and ran at 7 months. I'm still there. But there is (oh, i'm starving, I might have to eat) no point making and pointing out to myself daily, constantly throughout the day, of the old carefree that I so long to reunite with. Those pictures of her, of me, have been helpful up to this point. And now that I am nearing the end of my battle, I don't want to see them. So I put all the pics away, all the wedding photos. Can't stand to look at them. I hope D and I make it through this. But honestly, its been incredibly hard. Words cannot express how hard. I just feel very thankful I have had him to go through this with me. To get me water when I couldn't move, to get me meds, to care for me the best he could.
Its easy to want and expect someone to love you the way you would to them. But that is not truely loving someone. I believe. I believe it is loving the person for who they are and accepting what it is they are able to give to you. At times like these, and in life, though I never could imagine it, and now I do, this is how people can grow apart. The giving, the needing, in my case, changed. It grew to an intensity, that no one wishes for. But I needed to need, and I deserved to need, and it was and is all encompassing. Its a beautiful thing to grow.
Back to me changing. Body stuff. So, its hard. The wise young woman has to say to the "chemopausal" "menopausal" 34, how fucked up is that? that its okay I have lots and lots of gray hair coming in, where before cancer I had blond/brown hair. Its okay, that I am swollen and huge. Its okay. Yesterday, since I just sold a house, I went and bought myself a new outfit, that fits. The super-sized Heather pants no longer fit, yeah! And the 1st time out of hospital pants I bought don't fit, they're too tight right now. Wearing pants that don't fit, sucks. I have never had to deal with this, and I realized waiting to fit in to the smaller ones was ridiculous and a form of not accepting myself and loving myself. I was in costant torture, or I was constantly walking around with super baggy pants. Ick!
Those are the two ways I decided to love myself more this week. Take down the old pictures that were torturing me, and get a pair of pants that fit.
Two last thoughts. One is that I spelled the therapists name wrong, for those of you that googled her. It is Janet Abrams.
And the last, is that maybe my left eye (its getting better, by the way) want to be weepy because it is reminding me to cry more often.

A little pink

Today's radiation marked the beginning of pink. I think it burned a little bit afterwards, but no big deal. I put on the Biafin and off I went. Life is incredibly hectic right now. I have a few realty deals going on, my massage practice, and just doing things again is a lot. My mind has caught up to the real world again, or should I say to this reality again. Where it has been was the real world as well. I am just glad to be done, or almost done with that world.
Tomorrow I am going to see an oncology therapist for the first time, I hope she is good. I have heard incredible things about her.
Life is weird now. I am 34, but have tons of those menopause things happening, and this morning I cried because I am so sad about it. It affects everything in my life right now.
I am overwhelmed and enjoying it.

Party is coming to an end

My last radiation planning appointment is this morning, after my teeth cleaning. When you are getting chemo you can't get your teeth cleaned because of all the germs that get flung around in your mouth. Before I started back in late June I got my teeth cleaned, so I am very excited to get them done again. I can't remember if I posted this or not, but the other day on of my molars just decided it was done and so the front of it exploded when I was eating bread. Luckily it was just one part and I only needed a filling.
I am feeling anxious about the radiation. I am sick of everyone telling me its no big deal. How the hell does everyone know that? I have heard very unpleasant stories, and stories that it was harder than chemo, so this statement drives me even more crazy. I hope that I am fine and I hope that it isn't a big deal, but who knows. I mean, please it is RADIATION. Its not like I am just going to pop myself into a tanning bed for quick ten minute tan up. I am choosing to get radiated. My radiation oncologist said that not much of my lung is involved which is great.
Today I need to fill my prescripstion for the Biofin, I think that is what you call it. I have heard wonders about this, wonders about lots of stuff. My Rad. Onc. said really who knows if any of it works, and who's to say the skin wouldn't heal just the same without it. I am nearing the end of treatment.
The other day my Triple Negative friend found out a year and a half out that her cancer migrated to her brain. I am devastated by this news. Sad because she was told she only has two years left, sad that breast cancer sucks, sad that each breast cancer survivor especially the triple negative has a high reoccurance/migration stage the first three years. JUST SAD.
How the hell did the TN live through all the chemo and radiation? It stays small for a year and a half and then wham, there you are showing up, lite up in an MRI in the brain.
So, for all those that didn't think I had anything to worry about, and why wasn't I happier when I found out I was only a stage 1, there is your answer, another answer, another reason.
Is that for the rest of my life, and for the next three years, when I I am all done with treatment and I get to start counting my three year mark, I will have the potential of this on my shoulders. She was given just two years. I hope she is around to at least be there for her little girl when she starts her moon.

Wow! I feel Great!

I was mistaken, I am not going to be on a steroid feast! I only had to take four tabs total. Two the night before, two yesterday morning, and then they gave me a bunch as a pre-med yesterday. But that is it. No more, till next Wednesday! I got the most naseuous I have as I left the hospital and for the first few hours. But no big deal. I much rather feel sick to my stomach and have my mind. I have been awake since 2 am, because of the steroids, but again I don't feel like crap. I feel like Heather. In fact, I am going to stick with a massage for tomorrow morning that I had booked in the hopes that this is how I was going to feel.
With this chemo I do have chance of losing my nails and have neuropathy in my hands and feet, but I will just keep hoping that it doesn't come to that.

I have officially missed my first period. My body tried so hard. I learned yesterday that it isn't just that my body is shutting down and not bleeding. It is that my ovaries are so full of toxins that they are forced to shut down. Like my bones, they too are full of toxins and my chances of developing Osteoposis is high because of this. I have hot flashes now and its just part of it. I have total faith that after this chemo and I start doing all the detoxing that I plan to do, I will get it back. Hopefully...

I am really excited for the debate tonight. I am going to make popcorn and laugh. Oh, laugh, laugh, laugh.

Fertile Hope

What a day its been!  I got the great news today that I got a grant from an incredible company based in New York called Fertile Hope.  This company gives money out for the fertility medications for young women with cancer, who are high risk of becoming infertile due to their treatment.

The weather in Seattle today is incredible.  I mowed the lawn, which is no small feet.  We have a huge lot with a gigantic hill!  I couldn't help but wonder how long it will be until I am out there again mowing the lawn.  I keep reading that if the chemo makes me tired, (sometimes hard to even breath one book said) that  the only way to combat the fatigue is to get outside and do some exercise.  Last night I spoke with my hair stylist who's been helping me to grow my hair super long.  I told her that I had Breast Cancer ( I can't help but capitalize it) and told her that in a few weeks I want to cut my hair to my shoulders, and then right before chemo I want to go shorter.  Then once my hair starts to fall out, then I just want to shave it.  I know that it will be a huge let down if I had huge clumps falling out on my pillow.  My way, I will feel empowered.

She mentioned that not all peoples hair falls out.  But I corrected her and told her that my Doctor looked me in the eye and told me mine was going to.  People without cancer seem to think that all cancer's are treated with one kind of chemo, and this is simply not true.  Since my cancer is aggressive and responds well to chemo, I will be given the extra strength elixir's.  Funny to think that I used to love to drink real healthy elixir's and now, I will have some disgusting lifesaving elixir poured into my port-a-cath.  I've also been thinking about how it will feel to have the port-a-cath stuck under my skin in my chest, I wonder if I'll feel it wrap its way around to its resting place above my heart.  I wonder If D and everyone else will have to hug me gently.  Ick!!

Not a pocket full of posies

I am pissed this morning.  As I lay in bed under my fuzzy flannel sheets, I started thinking about breast feeding.  I have to.  Just incase you guys didn't get this earlier, I have wanted to be a mom badly, I mean badly my whole life.  When I was a little girl I babysat for anyone in my neighborhood.  My doll collection that I still have were my little babies and I often would pretend I was breast feeding them right along my mother's side, as she fed my brother. 

Thoughts came to my head as I was under the sheets and I started getting so mad.  I understand that anger is a base emotion, and I understand that it is my sadness that is fueling it right now.  But if that gene comes back positive and I choose out of sheer statistics to remove my breasts (which is the no brainer choice for MY body, maybe not yours but for mine) and  I don't get a chance to nurture a young one in this way, oh.  Watch out.  I am going to loose my mind.  I mean it, loose it.  All the things that I have read for years will no longer be possible for me.

I won't be able to give birth and put my baby to my breast and feed the little tiger.  I won't be able to feel the benefits of oxytocin being released through my body and getting the baby high from nursing.  I won't be able to walk around with a pad in my bra because of the "let down" reaction.  I won't feel a "let down".  I won't be in the kitchen making muffins and hear my baby cry and have my breast start pumping that milk.  I won't have the accidental let down in public if I hear another baby cry.  Do you wonder if I really meant it now when I say, " All I've thought about is having a baby."  I could be crying over nothing, maybe I won't have that gene.  I hope the Genetic Counselor is right this time around, and the other Doc's are wrong.  That would be nice.  I wonder if I will be able to breast feed with the breast that has cancer in it if I just do the lumpectomy?  That sounds like from my ignorance a bad thing.  Like a dirty thing that I wouldn't want my precious little one to be near.  My breast that had cancer in it.  Would there be a transfer of any little particles in the tiniest amount at all??  Not that this is shrouding in the tiniest amount my decision to either do or not do a mastectomy.  Because right now I haven't been faced with the genetic answers yet.  

As I take in a deep breath, I am breathing in the sun's rays deep into my body and breathing out all this sadness and I am going to go through my day staying in the present moment.  All of these fears can stay here.  In Wonka Land, up in the " TV Mikey" room of space in the sky.  For those of you that haven't watched Willy Wonka as obsessively as I have in my life (maybe 200 times) you have a fun movie to watch tonight!    

All too fast and painful

Have any of you watched Deal or No Deal?  If not, it's a game show that people have the chance to try to win a million dollars.  I like to watch this show because right before your eyes you get to see someone forgo a whopping $200,000- $300,000 in hope that they get the million bucks. I am always screaming at the TV, "Take the Deal!!"  Seriously, they walk in with zero bucks and they could walk out with a nice little chunk.  I am not that much of a risk taker.

I am a risk taker that likes to jump off of bridges into a known natural swimming pool.  This "known" is the key.  I wouldn't do that if other people hadn't, and the older I get these risks are getting fewer and farer between.  This is the exact thing we, D and I are dealing with this morning. Fertility.  As most of you know, D has been trying to figure out if he wants to have kids and with all of this he has moved to a closer place of possibly wanting them.  I totally respect his decision either way. I have to.  I am not one of those woman that would poke a whole in a condom and say, "oops."  So today we got a call from the fertility nurse.  We, D and I didn't know that there are two types of freezing eggs/sperm.  In fact I didn't know the sperm was even an option.  D is supportive of me freezing my eggs, if I feel that I have to do that.  It's my body.

He is just not into freezing our embryo's, at least in the, "right now you have to decide because we have to move on this as my cancer treatment has to move forward, right now."  This is the deal.  My Oncologist says that some of the women my age return from Menopause, if the chemo forces them into it.  D's point is that this is all IF's.  IF I go into menopause, if I don't go out of menopause, and if, if.  This is all too much, too soon for him.  A month ago he was dead set on not wanting kids, with the not for sure still being tossed around.  Now, he realizes that he may and so he has to decide now.  Now if he wants to risk not getting to have a biological son/daughter with me, if I am unable to due to my treatments.  My Dad says just pull back, just freeze your eggs.  If I just freeze my eggs it is a 20% chance that they will be able to make an embryo when we are ready.  Since eggs are so fragile, this is not the greatest of odds.  If we freeze an embryo the chances go to 60% that we would be successful, they aren't as fragile.  This just sucks.  I need to be focusing on getting well and not on wether or not I am going to be able to have kids in the future.  It is so much all at once.  I have a call into the Oncologist.  We need the stats.  

D is a numbers guy and we need to know, do all the young woman my Doc works with go out of menopause/return to normal? If so, then are we worrying over nothing?  But if there are woman that don't return to normal, then I will just be freezing my eggs, and not our embryo.  D said, it is just wrong, just not natural.  My point is that none of this is natural.  If I wasn't going to do the super science of Chemo (very unnatural) I would probably be dead in the next few years. We are all dealing with this news of my having cancer the best we can and as fast we can, and dealing with all the unknown's the best we can.    There is only so much both D and I can move through in a matter of a week.  

Last night on Oprah an incredilbe man said that roadblocks aren't for stopping us, they are put in our lives to help us see how much we want something.  This is one of those times.  

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I just got back from the gym.  While I was on the treadmill my athlete rose inside me again, and shared this story with me.  Even though I fell overboard in a huge stormy sea, the team (you guys and D) threw me a dingy.  Right now I am swimming towards that dingy and getting hit in the face and gulping air and fighting for my life, fighting to get to that damn dingy.  I know I am going to make it and I know that I am going to paddle to the big boat with all of my loved ones. While I am getting back to all of you, and D, you're going to be cheering me on, and wiping the tears off my face.   But I am the one who is in the Sea and Dingy named Breast Cancer.  I am the only one that is going to be a Survivor and if all I have once I get on board is that 20% to have kids, I am going to take it.  So, regardless I've decided to get my eggs frozen.  The embryo thing is intense.  D even said, "I'm surprised you want to do it."  Funny how when your are faced with severe options our choices become at times wider than we'd ever imagined.  And D isn't in the sea with me, and if I go to his side of things I do totally understand how "icky" or "wrong" freezing our unborn, pre-fetus, embryo's this option is.  

So, I've got that 20% and I am going to take it because that is what I have to do.  End of story.  I am not going to let cancer potentially take what I value the most in life.  I refuse.  I am going and will be a mother someday.  I want nothing more.  Nothing more.

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I've been waiting to post this to my blog till I talk to my doctor, he should call sometime this evening.  I spoke with a young survivor today, who got breast cancer when she was 30.  Funny how she was sent my way today because she is one of those woman that didn't go back from menopause.  She wasn't able to freeze eggs, and later in her life, she met the man of her dreams and got married and they adopted a little girl.  She made a few good points to me, points that in my franticness of the moment tried overlooking.  One of the main points is this, to be able to do the egg retrieval they need to wait till my second day of my next moon.  Which I just finished, so I am out for a month already.  At which point they will give me estrogen or progesterone or both, I can't remember right now.  For two to three weeks I am on those med's and then they can start doing the egg retrieval.  So this whole fertility trying to get my egg thing is pushing my VERY needed cancer treatment out for about two months.  This is what does not sound good to me. 

The other point she made is that cancer feeds off of something.  Like I said in earlier posts. My Triple Negative feeds off of something they just don't know what.  If my body is pumped full of these hormones, which cancer usually feeds on am I increasing my chances of giving my cancer a party?  A party that wants to go visit all of its neighbors, like my ovaries?  No Doctor is going to be able to say yes or no to this.  There is not enough information about Triple Negative yet.  

My new cancer survivor friend also said, " You have to remember, you are the most important thing right now.  Getting you cancer free as soon as possible.  Getting you healthy."  I cannot agree with her more.  Since I have such an aggressive form of cancer, is it worth waiting?  What if my fight is super hard, super super hard.  What if in the back of my mind did we wish that I hadn't waited to start treatment.  We know it is in my lymph node(s) so speed is important, right.  Get it done.  Like yesterday!  Or am I just trying to talk myself out of this?  The woman I spoke with today also said a great thing," Don't you want to know what your chances are when you do beat this, for you to be able to conceive a baby naturally?"  The other thing is if we wait 3 weeks to get the genetic tests back, and If (oh, the freakin' if's) I am positive for one of the whopper's do I want to inflict that 50-60% chance on my kids of them getting breast cancer?  That is something I do not even for a second have to think about that is a no.  

So, I am left, waiting for my Oncologist to call and spew this all out to him.  He will wait and do whatever I want.  This is my game I am playing.  My Deal or No Deal.  If I didn't want Chemo, he would say okay.  But I do want chemo and I do want my own kids, but this waiting to be treated thing is also something I do not want to do.  There is too much empty time filling up and allowing my precious healthy cells in my body to be sabotaged by those evil little sick cancer cells.  I am exhausted, yes.  I feel like today was the worst day I've had except the day I found out I have breast cancer.  I am playing God, and I am asking my husband to play God too. It is so wrong.  I am starting to look at this whole thing as, look this is in the hands of something greater than I.  If I am meant to have my own kids, I will be able to snap out of the Menopause and have my own kids.  If not, I have friends that adopted two beautiful little girls and I know they couldn't be more loved or love than they do.  I think I've come to my answer.  I'll wait to talk to my Doctor.

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My Doctor just called. He said one thing that just put it all to rest, if one of you doesn't want to do it, move forward.  

He also told me that no one is going to treat me with this fertility thing until we have my pathology.  We won't get this until surgery, and then we will have to wait a week or so to get my results.  If the cancer has moved to many nodes and if its a super nasty tumor, he very well may suggest that we not delay treatment.  Which couldn't start until I heal from my surgery.  If its just in a node and not a nasty tumor than he said he may say I have the six weeks it will take to get my eggs.  He also said that there are no stats available, and if someone tries to tell me otherwise they are simply not true.  There is absolutely no way to have stats that prove if someone hadn't delayed treatment six weeks if their outcome was better or if the hormones they pumped me with did anything to the cancer.  

He told me to wait until after surgery and we will all know more then.  I did ask him what my chances of being able to bear my own kids when done with chemo, not great.  They are 40 to 50%.  Chemotherapy is so toxic.  Crazy, thanks for going through this with me.  Today was the worst day, maybe more than getting cancer.  I have officially had the most precious thing for me possibly being taken from me.