Sheer Delight

Bundled in my robe, fuzzy blanket, and slippers, I sit drinking Lap Sang Souchang (my favorite smoky tea). It is absolutely freezing this morning here in Seattle, a whopping 18 degrees. When i was a little girl, I kept journals. I still have years and years of journals. On rainy Seaside, Oregon stormy weather days, I would go back and read, what I had done the year before on that particular frigid day. Maybe this is why I am doing so much thinking of last year, so much comparing. One thing for sure, the little type A in me has to be okay with my inability to spell. Chemo clouded this part of my brain. I am getting way better, but still it is very hard. Like yesterday I could not figure out if I should use the word "than" or "then". I have NEVER in my life not been able to figure this out. It totally makes me jump out of my skin seeing misspelled words, and all my bad grammar. I am trying to embrace this here in this blog. Free style writing....
So, yes! It is freezing. Yesterday, and many days I feel deep inside me an inner raging of delight, that is new to me. Before cancer, I was a very happy joyful person, don't get me wrong. But now, there is a waterfall of gushing energy that is at my core. Billowing from my stomach, and I am not sure its healthy. When I was on vacation, I did not notice it. I was relaxed, calm, focused on the sun, the ocean, and I slept very well.
Now that I am home, the waterfall is gently raging once again. I notice that I get stressed very easily, overwhelmed at a drop of a hat, and toss and turn all night long. I feel like I am walking on eggshells around myself. haha. But seriously. It all makes sense right? It is obvious what needs to be done, right? Like someone that has come and gone through what I just did, should in a perfect world sit on a warm sunny beach, drinking Green smoothies with an IV drip of golden cleansing whatevers, and not have any "life" stuff to deal with. I would not get bored of this in a the slightest. But, that is not life. And I am back, and at a running start of coarse. Still my style, some things do not change.
I have learned through cancer to allow people to help me, and that is what i am starting now. The little control girl in me, the girl that believes she can do everything herself, is now entering a partnership with my Real Estate and that will lessen the load.
Okay, back to real stuff. My body is awesome. A few months ago, I started running. I ran everyday, and for the first time in my life, I hurt myself. Being what my doc's refer to as "deconditioned" I had to stop running, and let my knees heal. They did. Now i am running every other day, and yoga and lifting weights on the alternate ones. I am feeling strong.
I have a core sense of self, that i had pre-cancer, but its stronger. She is stronger. I am really excited for the integration that this cold weather is going to bestow upon me. Off to do some yoga. Loving that today, I am healthy, I am smiling, I am sitting with tea and joy, and a gushing waterfall of love pouring forth on to all of you.

Falls call

What a whirlwind of a summer. I find myself this fall, having random flashbacks of events from last year. Like yesterday, I was speaking with a friend who has taken a role in my life as a Great-Aunt, and we were talking about the West Seattle Junction Halloween party for young kids. And suddenly I was taken back, to hanging out in my office in West Seattle, at Keller Williams with my friend Kristen and her young daughter. I was too sick, too weak to walk around with them., so I just hung out in the office and watched all the youngsters in their adorable costumes. I was so sick. Ugh! I had lost my hair and I was just trying so hard to "do" something that day. Its hard to not cry thinking of that time. I would not want anyone to go through that. Ugh! I got through it. I am and we are stronger than we can ever imagine. Which brings me to the other day at my Acupuncturists office.

As I laid on her table with all the needles in me, the lights were turned off, and I went into the Savahsana mindfulness, and my Spirit said to me, "Hi, Soldier. There you are. You can relax now. You are safe. Be still." And all I did was weep. But then the needles started hurting so I stopped, LOL. I realized in that moment, that yes, I have had to be a Soldier to get through this. A fierce soldier. A fierce athlete. A fierce everything. Its time to be softer on an energetic level now. But the Soldier keeps fear at bay.

I have been wading through the feelings of fear the past few weeks. Slowly since my ritual, it has begun creeping up and flittering about in my psychic fields. I am safe, in the present moment. That is all we ever know, right? My three month appointment is coming up in a few weeks, but I have been a little panicky so I am going to see my Onc on the 4th instead. There has been a little lump above my scar and he felt it three months ago. But I have felt it again, and it freaks me out. I need him to just do a biopsy of it, so I can let go of any fear around it. Its one thing for him to say its scar tissue, and yes I did just have a free and clear Mammo and MRI, but still...there's no problem with double checking, or for that matter triple checking.

Where the fear also comes from is my initial doc missed my lump. She dismissed it as just a cyst, or whatever it was she thought because she never told me. She simply hesitated over it, and kept going and then said I was good to go. She was the first lesson I learned in that Doctors are just people, practicing medicine. And it is up to us to be our own advocates and I want the lump/scar tissue biopsied, end of story.

I honestly 100% believe the acupuncturist is going to get my moon to come back. My ovaries felt really warm for the past few days, and I just have a good feeling about it. She told me to eat lots of meat, and to stay stress free. Of coarse the Cancer ND's tell me stay away from meat. And my Onc tells me, no red meat, but to eat anything else...except sugar.

Which brings me to my newest thought about this NO sugar diet. Okay...so..if cancer feeds on sugar because it runs faster than anything else in the body. So when you have a sugar spike it jumps on that and has a feeding frenzy like a shark to a nice bloody tuna head. But....that shark had to be in the water in the FIRST PLACE. Just having the bloody tuna head does not cause the shark to suddenly be made and plopped into the ocean.
You are following me right? Eating Sugar does NOT cause Cancer to begin. If I have cancer still after all that chemo and radiation then I still have cancer, in its microscopic form. And the sugar will just cause the cancer to speed up, but not create it in the first place.

So....that is my newest thought.

A rat race in my head

I have so much going on in my head, in my heart, in my body, in my mind, in my everything. I am enjoying it all immensely. I enjoy it all so much, that I get overwhelmed and then I cry. I need to start writing here more often again, because I need to process stuff.
Today was an all day doctor visit day. I saw my Cardiologist and he thankfully has started the steroid taper, tomorrow I go from 20 mg to only 10, for a week. And then to 5 mg's the following thursday. I am excited to start this process. Nervous that I will have another reoccurence, but hoping that doesn't happen. He said he wanted me to wait to start excercising until Monday. I told him that I am finally feeling better. Its taken almost two months to regain my body energy from the last attack. Pretty incredible really. I kept thinking I was all better, or back to normal, but weeks later, I can tell you that I feel totally different than I did a few weeks ago, and am totally ready to start exercising. I want to start going to boot camp, but he said wait a bit longer. At least until Monday, so that I can if I do have pain in my chest, know what caused it.
Then I went and saw my cancer therapist, and talked body stuff. Good.
Then I gave a massage.
Then I went and had my yearly eye exam. Got the eyes dilated, and didn't bring with me a pair of sunglasses so drove around with those instant unfold plastic wrap mock sunglasses. Funny.
Then...I went to see my Oncologist and waited in the lobby for an hour to get in, and got my first Tumor marker test, and another chest x-ray. I am of coarse nervous, about the whole base line thing. I am nervous and afraid that my cancer will come back some day. You know, I am so young. I am only 34, so what if it does? That's the base fear, right? I can try to be in the present moment, and do that well. I really do. I found myself asking Kaplan all my questions, and then looked at him, and said, "Really, does any of this matter? REally? What I really want to say to you is, will my cancer ever come back, and will we catch it early, and will I live?" That is the core of it all. I am scared. I want to cry. And I do cry. I have a long life a head of me, and I just don't want to ever go through this again.
My body is starting to come alive again. For the first time since chemo, I have had to start bathing everyday because underarms are starting to say, Hey! We are here!! Not in an offensive way, but soon, I am sure I will need deoderant again. Kaplan said he they don't know why the body does all these strange things, but thumbs up that my body is starting to work again.
My house sit ends tomorrow, thank God!! Phew! I can't wait to be home and to dig my hands into my garden. This miserable spring is not helping my veggies grow. I desperately want to do a fast, and cleanse my body in a super serious way. But need to not do that. I know this. I need to wait to till I'm off all these drugs. Which is the same answer I got when I asked K when I can get my port out. I need to wait to get off the steroids. They inhibit healing.
I'll get my tumor marker tomorrow. Supposedly it will be my baseline. What if its high already? I was just a stage 1, so I calm myself down and tell myself my chances are super low. But then again, my chances were super low initially and I got it. Shit happens.
Which brings me to the obvious that we only grow in hard times. I've been thinking of this idea, and am not sure I agree to it yet. I have grown deeply in and with love, so not sure if I agree to this. I of coarse have never grown as deeply as I have this year. I was telling my cancer therapist today, that I need to bring my old self up to par with my new self, and I told her I was afraid I might forget all that I learned. She said that was impossible. I think she's right. How lucky am I that I got to learn all that I learned this year, at the age of 33 and 34? I am serious!

Laying in bed with my new world

As I am coming to the end of my miserable chemo treatment so many things rush through my mind. Like I remember when I hadn't started chemo yet, and I was listening to a select few women and their chemo stories. I luckily told myself to stop comparing my possible journey with theirs. Luckily I did that. Because this has been hell. I will never mince words with that. From the cellulitis to the weeks in bed because I had to be in bed because I've been so sick, there is no playing nice guy with my experience. The depth of pain and agony I've gone through has stripped away any old part of me that wasn't compassionate. I have such a renewed, almost child like innocence of wanting to help and be there for women who are fighting for their lives. That is what I have been doing the past six months.
If I hadn't done this, I would have surely died as being a Triple Negative and the aggressiveness of this particular breast cancer is tenacious. So yes, I have been fighting to live and that is what has made this worth it. Would I do it again. Probably not. I have been dreaming of the day of just being in Maui with friends and giggling on the beach. Its been a long time, since I have felt like truely giggling. Laughing. I laugh now a days, but its always with a twinge of disgust of sickness that is lingering.
The depth of sadness is outrageous. I have had to push aside the sadness on many levels just to be able to deal. Knowing full well that it will need to be brought into the center of the room when I am done with all this treatment. I think that is why I cry so often throughout the day. Because I simply cannot address its complete source and depth and so I have spurts of it slide down my checks. I opened a book that my friend Deena brought me the other day called, the victoria secrets catalog never stops coming and other lessons I learned from breast cancer. I devoured it in a day, and cried and bawled the whole time. There are so many cancer books out there, but to read a book with similar views as I have hit my heart, with a powerful punch.
Since the beginning of all this, and my main reason I've been blogging is to help me post treatment and heal myself by writing a book. My book, I want it to be deep. I want it to have funny things in it like, 1. make sure your accupuncturist cleans your skin before sticking a needle in your arm-so that you don't get cellulitis. A list of things to watch for. A list of cures and a list of things I liked to eat. By far, the most palatable meal is egg on toast. Luckily chemo never made me sick of it. Now when I am all done, who knows.
I am still numb. I know I only have a few weeks of not feeling good left, and perhaps just one more week. But I can't quite think of all the things in the book because I'm still getting through it.
One thing I've learned is that even in the loneliness of being with oneself in one's agony, its easier to pick up the phone and cry to someone and allow someone to see my vulnerability than pretend I can take care of it alone. Its hard being a woman and needing to receive, actually being forced to accept food, accept a book, accept a hug, accept tender words, accept a hat, accept anything without giving something back. I have learned through this acceptance to love myself deeper and to open myself up to love in such a profound way. I have more limits now. Where as before I'd lived my life for others, I now have spent six months thinking of basically myself. And that is a good thing now. Whereas before, I would've cringed with the though and I would have never said it out loud.

Missing my hair

I have really been missing having hair the past few days. Looking in the mirror to my bald little head is something that I am not sure I will ever get used to. Going out in public is always a big deal. Kids cannot help their curiosities. They stare and stare and last week, I sweetly looked at the boy that was in front of me in the grocery store and said, "I know, I don't have any hair. I look kind of different, uh?" Is it that adults stare, looking at how healthy I look, but knowing and letting it register that I have cancer? I mean, besides losing my hair I look the picture of health.
I have been feeling like the picture of health lately, too. Wednesday is coming too soon. I wish it weren't. Simple things I used to take for granted like washing all my floors in a matter of minutes because I am a swirling dervish. When I am sick for the week after chemo, I can't do that. Nor do I even want to spend my bit of energy I do have on cleaning the floor as fast as the tasmanian devil. Its funny how the accomplishments I used to make in a day, accomplishments that used to really matter to me, just vanish and all I can do is get through the day. And that is a huge accomplishment.

I'm Back

I feel so much better today.  Yesterday was hard.  I have the right to have a hard day once in a while. Although, before BC I never allowed myself to wallow in anything hard for more than a few seconds.  I have never been able to stand the victim attitude and that is what is going to pull me through this.  Remember that earlier post, I am swimming to my little Breast Cancer raft you all threw me.  I am going to get there!

 This is just so big and it takes a lot of spirit to rise above it all.  And I do.  I see the big picture.  I keep reminding myself, that I FOUND IT!  I get to live because I found it.  Imagine if I had waited until next year and possibly my Doctor missing it again.  I have a lot to be happy about and my joy is bubbling forth again today.  It is awesome outside.  My sis left this morning. She just graduated from nursing school and her state boards are in one week.  YOU ARE GONNA DO GREAT DUDE!!!  I am so proud of her.

Yesterday my arm hurt and it got a little swollen from surgery, so today I am going to be a lefty.  I don't have much to say other than I am stoked that I found my lump, and I am one day closer to kicking cancer's butt.  One day closer to starting chemotherapy and one more day closer to having my life back.  

Thanks to my friend Lynn, she got me in touch with the Susan B. Komen foundation here in Puget Sound.  I am going to start training in September for public speaking with them.  I am really, really, REALLY excited about this.  Besides telling every single person I run into, I can hopefully go to schools and talk to young teenage girls (is my hope, not sure where they will send me) or anywhere.  I am excited to see where my life leads me.  I am not sure if I will do real estate full time again.  I know for sure I want to use this blog as a tool to help rekindle this experience and to write a book for young women that are newly diagnosed.  Women of any age really.  I guess age doesn't matter.  What I am going through is a collective experience.  

Where have the hummingbirds gone?

My hair is cut and I'm not okay with it.  Please don't tell me its okay.  It is not.  It isn't about the hair and it is not about how people will perceive me.  I could careless if I am beautiful or not.  My body is what it is.  End of story on that.  I am pissed because this isn't the hair cut I wanted. I didn't want to have short hair.  I wanted to have long hair.  This may seem ridiculous to some. D hit the nail on the head when he said, "It just isn't the hair cut you wanted."  For me the sadness is because I have so many things being taken from me right now.  I do not have a choice.  

The west seattle street fair is this weekend.  Walking around up there is horrible.  I remember last year, how I felt at this little street fair.  I know that my usual little hummingbird self is happy and cheerful.  I just don't feel that way.  I feel like my spirit was crushed.  And THIS is what I am sad about.  I feel broken.  I don't feel sorry for myself.  I don't wish something was different.  I don't wish anything.  That is the problem.  I don't feel empowered.  I just feel blah.  I feel like my eternal fountain of happiness and cheer and ability to see the bright side of any situation as stopped flowing.  I worry that it won't come back.  I worry that D can feel this gloominess and I wonder if he will stop being attracted to me.  Not because of my hair, but because the spirit of the woman he married has changed. Has it changed forever, who knows.  I am scared of the depths of sadness and shock I am in.  

It could be a torrential downpour outside and that would be fine.  Even that is horrible.  I used to love summer.  I need to pull my head out of the self-deprecating, but its hard.  Because there is no normal to go back to.  Normal doesn't exist anymore.  Normal life is gone.  I am in a transition, but one that just realized I am in transition.  My little car light just flashed, need oil.  I still need to go to the store and get the oil (chemo) and then put it in and then hopefully that is all the car needed and I can start racing around town again.  

Before Cancer

Before I got that call that ended the carefree world of chosen anxiety ridden emotional moments I was reading The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. I had been listening to Sarah Cahoones latest record, over and over and over again.  In the past few weeks, I have had a strong repulsion to listening to that album or of picking up that book.  Those items helped me process and go over my old thoughts, or was it my old thought processes.  That book and that album will forever signify to me, my 33 year old fun and ridiculously stressed out life.  What a joke.

What a joke that I used to get so bent on all the small stuff.  I got my feelings hurt if something happened in real estate or in my life.  I always tried to make the situation better.  I am not that person anymore.  I actually have no energy to care.  Maybe I will care again someday.  But I don't think so.  I think I've just changed, and for the better.  My Dad always says, "Worrying about it doesn't change it.  Might as well not stress about something you can't change."  I understand now.  I understood then, but always new that that lesson would take age and life experience.  I have gotten a good dose of life experience in the past 3 weeks, three weeks in six hours.  

Last night I picked up that book and started reading it.  I did only because I hate to not finish a book, or anything for that matter.  It silently would drive me crazy.  I LOVE to check things off my to do list.  When D got back from band practice last night and crawled into bed, I asked him how he was doing.  He said that he is right now, just trying to act like our life is normal.  I told him, that my life is never going to be the way it was.  It will be new and we together will make a new normal.  I told him I understood what he was thinking and trying to be, but I also told him his life would never be the same way.  It is scary not knowing what is ahead for us on this journey.  I have no idea what this Breast Cancer road looks like and what I have to do to get better.  Curse that BEACHES movie!!  Damn Beth Midler!!  I wish there were more awesome cancer movies out there that depicted a good fight that was won!!