Rugs of Hair

Years ago, I met a woman that lived on the Eastside, in Bellevue actually that sold beautiful rugs. I asked her if she would be willing to trade massage for one. Quickly, she and I hit it off and we spent the next few years, every week, trading. I have a bazillion rugs now that are housed at various friends homes and are also strewn about my cabin.
She was a young mother of two teenage kids. Michelle was in her early forties. I met her just as she had finished Breast Cancer treatment, her hair was a delightful pixie cut, and she was in the process of getting implants. I learned a lot while I worked on her, all-the-while thinking OF COURSE, I would never be dealing with Cancer. That was about eight years ago now.
I admired that she loved to go out dancing, and rage at various local shows till the wee hours. I watched her fall in love with a man that loved her despite her being without breasts & during the process of getting breasts. I loved her spunk. She was a wonderful mother, her sense of “Napoleon Dynamite” humor with her kids, and… and…SHOOT! I totally thought she had Health in her future!!
Finally, I got my fill of rugs and ended our trades. I got married, and life went along the road of the living. Well…we all know how my story goes and that I entered her side of the Club I didn’t want to belong to.
The past couple of weeks, I have been driving past her neck of the woods for the first time in years and I thought, I should go by her house and say hello. I tossed that idea around for a few weeks, feeling it sink deep into the bottom of my belly. Feeling the undeniable, “I wonder if her cancer came back? I wonder if she is alive? I wonder if she is married to that nice man?” Well, this week I decided to take a left off the road I travel on, and make my way up to her house.
I got a little lost, I couldn’t remember exactly. When I was a little girl, my Mother taught me to get around and remember directions by landmarks…by trees and such. That helped guide me to her house as I saw a familiar Rhododendron and I took that right. As I pulled into her driveway I noticed a “Baby Girl” balloon outside the door. I thought, Jez…did she just have another baby?
I didn’t have to knock because a nice man opened the door and I introduced myself as I asked if Michelle was still here. He said he had bought the house a year and a half ago and that he was (I knew it was coming) sorry to be the one to give me the bad news, but that Michelle had not made it. I looked up into the stairwell and saw that his families photos had replaced Michelle’s families. I thanked him, and as I walked away, I said, “Looks like you have a lot of life to be celebrating in there. Enjoy.” I walked away with a newborns cry and a somber mood.
I drove away and cried, and spoke to her, and remembered her. The past few days I have been thinking about her and realized that I did much of the “coming back to life post treatment” that she had. I rarely missed a night of dancing in the city and had a summer of the most fun I have ever had as an adult. I partied (in a good way) like it was 1999!!! (I’m a Prince fan, what can I say)..
For some reason the length of her hair when I last got to work on her stuck with me. I’ve been mulling and processing in my head how sad I am that I never got to sit and have that cup of tea with her. I never got to shock the heck out of her and tell her I got sick too! I never got to ask her to go dancing with me! Why did she not make it? Where are her kids now? This is my next step is to track them down. The Seattle area is small, and I know enough people that once I start the “did you know”, to my friends I will find her kids or her parents.
Tears are pretty full this past week. If I slow down and just look, they come. This morning, as I was massaging I looked in the mirror and saw that my hair is now the longest its been since I was diagnosed in ’08. Its shoulder length now! Wow! I cocked my head from side to side, and watched it sway back and forth. I still enjoy my new treat of swirling my hair when I am in bad traffic. I never was a twirler before cancer, but it’s a sweet and fun way of connecting in with my ego, my girly side, and celebrating having hair.
I thought today, Wow! At each stage of length bald, fuzz, chemo curls with pixie, at ear length, and now at shoulder length I was healing in drastically different ways. One of the hardest parts of writing this particular book for me is processing all that I went through in one fell swoop. It takes me months to process from a full weeks worth of work and I then start to compile thoughts through that healing, and then go back to paper and write more. Hhhmmmm…Yes, I am still healing. I feel incredibly blessed to have the opportunity to do all this personal growth and am excited to some day share it.
People want to know when I will be done with the book? These folks are not writers, as the published writers in my life, all laugh when I talk to them about how I REALLY feel like answering this question. I have no idea when it will be done. It’s not just a fun book to write, you know. It’s a beautiful piece of artwork that is in the process of healing my heart as I birth it. It will take some time.
Well…Michelle, I am so sorry you didn’t make it babe. You were amazing. I am so very sorry and bummed I didn’t get to drink tea with you. Ugh. Belly cries and sadness.

Faith

I'm down in one of my favorite little towns in California, St. Helena. Today I met up with an old friend, an old friend that we have a deep spiritual understanding together. I would say, my closest friends and I share a deep connection in this way. He was telling me about a shoulder injury he has and that he is heading to Brazil to see a spiritual surgeon, or he'll have surgery in the states.

I looked him in the eye and said, "You are going to need to have real surgery."

He and I looking deeply into each others eyes, and he responded by saying, "I don't know why you are saying that. I am not even going to hear that. I am not going to take that reality on. I am not sure if you are saying that, Heather because Western medicine worked for you, and you chose to go that route."

I started telling him more of my story, and I'll skip most of what I said otherwise this post could be a book in and of itself.

But the jest of it, with lots of tears, was this:

" I lost my faith." To get to where I am now, to go through what I went through, I had to let go of it all. How was it, that I..ME..and again, I got cancer in the first place? I remember blogging about this, but one conversation that occurred frequently was this...some loving caring person (because they always meant well)would say, "You will be fine, Heather. You will make it through this." And I would get really angry inside, and say as loving as I could back, "I will be until I am not." And then they would say, "I believe that you create and bring to you whatever you believe. So be careful what you say." And I would say, " I never thought I was going to get cancer, and I did."

You see, this conversation is on FAITH. Faith in lord knows what. Those of you that are Christian could be upset I just used your lords name in vain. Or whatever religion. Whatever religion you are, any walk of life, in any part of this miraculous planet, we all on this planet are just trying to make sense of what happens in life, and to us. Through faith.

We pray, we meditate, we fast, we walk, we run, we do all these things to help us get through. Because life is hard, and life is challenging, and life sometimes simply does not make sense.

It is easier to put your faith out there, and allow yourself to believe that "some great entity's" will, will be done. For your own good.

I am a deeply spiritual person. And this was one of the hardest things for me, and still is. I realized that Faith, is Control. Control in the idea that we do make our own reality. That we are our own magicians. That we can pray to a deity/God and through our faith, "Let go, and Let God." But this is a form of control, as I see it.

I feel like all the praying, all the seeking is our minds just trying to make sense of all of this life stuff, in reality we have nothing to figure out. Life just is.

For me, I chose to surrender into the unknown. Surrender and in the surrendering I learned to love myself deeper. It all boiled down to that. Surrendering and Loving. In the present moment, that is all I had. I believe it is all we ever really have. The hippie in me years ago, used to say its either Fear or Love. But it really is, just Love.

I have a bumper sticker on my car that sums it all up for me, Love Wins. It does, and through this Love, I will come back to having Faith. Because I do deeply believe I am my own magician. And that I do create my reality. But I do also now believe, that sometimes, stuff just happens. And it doesn't make any sense, and no one can tell you why, or how, or even IF at the end of a long struggle, it'll all be worth it.

There is a sadness in this harshness. I cried a lot today, and have over this many times. Faith is what I have stood behind for years. A mask of faith, full archetypal images, and mysticism...but a mask all the same.

Still Point

Coming to a place of gratefulness. How does one get there? Choice.

Sure cancer stole a lot from me, and during this time of writing I get to go back and relive all of that. But..But..there are a lot of pluses, and movements inside me that I choose to look at. Don't get me wrong. When my sister told me she was pregnant, I mourned. She mourned as well, because we'd always hoped and talked about the day we'd be pregnant together. There is loss. There is grief. I do not think its healthy, nor am I saying to overlook, or to shuffle the loss under a rug of pain.

I just choose to look at the positives. The fact that I am here, to be at my nephews birth. To see life. To be apart of his life.

My life, that could've been taken, with the aggressiveness of Triple Negative. I get to train, and run a marathon, that I would've never done before cancer. My mind and the self-imposed limitations are less restrictive now.

Grieve at your own pace. Feel at your own pace. Simply being with yourself, in and on, your journey. It is a journey. This Cancer Journey. If you choose to pay attention in that way. Others choose to not think, and just get through, and go on living life. There is no right way. I would love to hear from any of you, privately, or in the public comments if you wish..when you do come to your place of gratefulness. This will make my heart soar! I am also here, to hear your despair. Believe me, I am there. In the still point. One side is despair, the other gratitude.

D Day

This is the last that you'll hear of D. He and I are divorcing (another D) and he has asked that I not talk about him here. I am thankful that he allowed/compromised his private life as long as he did to allow me to write about "our" journey together. At times using his inital. Big ol' nutshell. He realized after our marriage that he rightfully does not want to have kids, I have never changed my mind.
And even if I do not get out of this chemopause, I will use my solo eggs I have (I was not strong enough to listen to reason, and begged and begged for us to make embryo's and waisted 3 of my precious 6) and hopefully that does the trick. But if not, there are lots of wonderful incredible babies in this world that are just waiting to be loved with all the love I have to give and more in this world.
Yes, this is too soon. But we have pushed it to a point, that home has been not home for years and its easier to get all the hurt, all the stress out now, than to wait and get the stress and hurt out later. Life is difficult, and beautiful, and there is never a good time to as my friend says, cleave. So, off to cleaving, and crying, and sobbing, and mourning this inevitable loss.
Lesson learned, many. Will I make this same mistake again, no way.
Its easy in life to over look what you don't want to see. Love is a coyote. Our job is to be present and not live in the future when we fall in love, but to be present and witness what is really there. The maiden, that did this has gratefully blossomed into a woman because of the past few years, and the woman in me will live in the present from here on out. So mote it be.

Egg nog

Yesterday, as I was on the ferry going home, I got really sick. It felt like I had a fever with chills and body aches. I layed in bed from 3 until I fell asleep. I called my Dad and my sister and had a big cry. Its been a while. I did have a fever and I felt horrible. I had egg nog earlier in the day and was worried that I had gotten sick from the raw eggs. But this morning I feel fine, actually totally fine and am going to do a massage this afternoon. I've been laying in bed this morning, watching murderous shows. I am scared out of my mind right now. I am going to go rake some leaves for a bit to get a little exercise.

Raspberries

Yesterday, I got a pint of fresh local organic raspberries. I had read everywhere that I wasn't supposed to eat raw fruit and veggies and my doctor said that was balony. At least right now while my WB's are good. He told me to eat whatever I was hungry for. I asked him about one of my favorite, raspberries and he said sure. So, I am rinsing everything and have been enjoying eating whatever that I want. Until yesterday that is. I ate about 1/4 of the pint and gave up because they just didn't taste that great. In fact they were tasteless, they smelled good. I left them out on the counter for D to eat. Sure enough, he came around and ate them and said they were the best berries he'd had all summer. What? I didn't think, I mean would you, that my taste buds were gone? My tongue did feel coarser and yes, I got mouth sores the very first day (even with impeccable mouth rinsing after I ate-every single time~my skin basically just came off the first day, I know gross, but this blog is in detail) but I still have always been able to taste everything. I just couldn't believe it. The next thing that I noticed was our water. We just got a new fridge and D and I drank from it yesterday, as the water was filtered really well and tasted excellent. Well today, that was yesterday now, I can't drink water anymore. It suddenly tasted like plastic, so that is why I really wanted to go get those 10G jugs of freshly filtered water yesterday. I got home with that water, same thing. Some chemo patients say they have a metal taste in their mouths, and I am familiar with this taste due to the scans and injections with them. And this is why I was taken by surprise yesterday. I don't have that taste in my mouth. Yes, I am in a lot of pain in my mouth~and it doesn't really bother me because its the least of body symptoms right now, usually a little sore in my mouth would kill me, and last night they did keep me up a bit, but generally not a big deal. BUT plastic, tasteless fresh raspberries, plastic water. Luckily we have a lot of fresh mint here around the house so I put it in the water. D tasted it a few times for me throughout the day, as even with a huge sprig of mint in my glasses, the water still tasted lifeless.
I wanted to share my thoughts on losing my hair. For those of you that remember me pre-cancer I had gotten my hair so long, and just were I wanted it, finally. I was really, really sad to lose my hair. If you haven't read the hair posts, you may want to go back and recap, as I am not going to again. So, my hair is now in a pixie cut, and it took me a week of feeling the symbolism of losing everything in my life right now, to get over it. I love it now. All this week, I keep running my fingers through my hair, just waiting for the day that clumps start coming out. I kind of tug on my little short strips of hair between my fingers to see if they are coming out any easier, and to my delight they are holding firm. I am ready for my hair to come out though.
As ready as one can be. I am sure the emotional response to having a bald head will be deflating and sad, or maybe it won't be. There is absolutely no way for me to know how I will feel and what feelings will be evoked from the ritual shaving. Or from the looks I will get, you know the young precious kids that can't help but say something. My mom was a very large lady, and I got used to those remarks or the insensitivity of people "trying" to say or do the right thing my entire life. So, maybe I will be okay and used to it. There is also no way of saying this for me other than just bluntly, and those of you that know me, know I am NOT an ego maniac, but I know that I was blessed with a beautiful face and body in this life. I have never personally had anyone discriminate against me because of the way I look. Ever. If anything, my life is much easier because of my looks, and I have always known that. So, this will be my challenge that I am wanting to experience, and am actually excited for the growth. There may be days, that I write in this blog about how hard it is not having hair. And you all will have to understand, that I will be processing this growth as a person. So, this I am looking forward to.
I do not want to wear a damn wig. The wig is for everyone else. I HAVE CANCER. I am undergoing a debilitating treatment and everything in my life is gone, except for the love of my family and friends~which on a side note is incredible. The love that grows between a husband and wife through the trails of life-and living together is absolutely a great reason to sleep with one person for the rest of your life. So, yes, we all know I have cancer, and the wig is for everyone else. It is a costume that I am unwilling to act the part. I love more than life itself going to festivals and dressing up in various costumes and morphing into aspects of my spirit that I can explore. I am unwilling, thank god I've been in counseling since the age of 5~smirking again, to not wear a fucking wig. I am going to embrace this and I am going to go bald. I am going to have sunscreen, don't worry to all of you that are my mom's out there, and wear hats, pretty scarffs, and I am going to rock my electric blue wig if D and I go out on the town. For fun. I won't wear my blue eyelashes, because they say I can't, I might get an eye infection. But, I will have fun, or not and that is okay.

Where have the hummingbirds gone?

My hair is cut and I'm not okay with it.  Please don't tell me its okay.  It is not.  It isn't about the hair and it is not about how people will perceive me.  I could careless if I am beautiful or not.  My body is what it is.  End of story on that.  I am pissed because this isn't the hair cut I wanted. I didn't want to have short hair.  I wanted to have long hair.  This may seem ridiculous to some. D hit the nail on the head when he said, "It just isn't the hair cut you wanted."  For me the sadness is because I have so many things being taken from me right now.  I do not have a choice.  

The west seattle street fair is this weekend.  Walking around up there is horrible.  I remember last year, how I felt at this little street fair.  I know that my usual little hummingbird self is happy and cheerful.  I just don't feel that way.  I feel like my spirit was crushed.  And THIS is what I am sad about.  I feel broken.  I don't feel sorry for myself.  I don't wish something was different.  I don't wish anything.  That is the problem.  I don't feel empowered.  I just feel blah.  I feel like my eternal fountain of happiness and cheer and ability to see the bright side of any situation as stopped flowing.  I worry that it won't come back.  I worry that D can feel this gloominess and I wonder if he will stop being attracted to me.  Not because of my hair, but because the spirit of the woman he married has changed. Has it changed forever, who knows.  I am scared of the depths of sadness and shock I am in.  

It could be a torrential downpour outside and that would be fine.  Even that is horrible.  I used to love summer.  I need to pull my head out of the self-deprecating, but its hard.  Because there is no normal to go back to.  Normal doesn't exist anymore.  Normal life is gone.  I am in a transition, but one that just realized I am in transition.  My little car light just flashed, need oil.  I still need to go to the store and get the oil (chemo) and then put it in and then hopefully that is all the car needed and I can start racing around town again.  

Mowing the Lawn

I woke up this morning thinking of getting out there and mowing the lawn.  It has finally stopped raining in the city of perpetual rain, Seattle.  I also want to get dressed and go up to my Realty office and make like thirty boxes of my blog address on it.  When someone asks me, like at the PCC, "How are you doing?"  I am going to tell them I just got diagnosed with Breast Cancer.  I have always disliked this question.  I don't dislike the question, I just dislike the chitter-chatter of it.  The fake depth, but we all know that if you answer, "I feel like shit."  The person asking would react like you told them too much information.  The main reason I need to share, is that it helps me say cancer, I have breast cancer.  D and I both feel like this is maybe a mistake.  Maybe someone will call us and tell us that "Oh, Jez!  Sorry!  We mixed up all the tests, we've been looking at someone else's file." 

So, I am going to tell people.  The other reason is is that I want to educate people while I am the picture of seemingly "Perfect" health.  I want to be the face of cancer that says, "Look at Me, this could be you, check your boobs!"  Have your sister check her boobs.  Last night my sis and I went into a store and this exact thing happened.  He asked me how I was, I told him.  I told him because I saw he had a wedding band on.  I hope that he does call his wife when I leave and tell her. 

 In a while I am going to my office, nobody's ever there on Sundays.  Which is perfect.  If I see someone, I'll start to cry.  I am going to make these little boxes, and if any of you want to get it out there too, please do.  

I am going to mow our lawn today.  I feel good.  I feel like Heather again, just a shocked Heather.  I feel that little girl inside me, that can sit on her Dad's lap and cry.  Dad, she is crying all the time right now.  I am scared.  I am sad.  I am bewildered and shocked, and will probably be pissed for a bit.  I hope not.  I hope that I can stay in a peaceful place with this, as peaceful as possible.  Love.  Its all about Love or Fear.  I must continue the choice to stay in the Light of the Present Moment.  Have a great day all of you.  I might even go watch Sex and the City!!

Family

When I hung the phone up with the first lady that called to tell me I have breast cancer and that I needed to come to the Breast Center right away, I hung up and called my Dad.  I told him that I knew nothing more than that I have Breast Cancer (do you capitalize this or not?  To me its EVERYTHING right now, and seems like it has earned its right to be so)  and could he call the family and tell them, and call my best friend that I grew up with Jody; her mom fought a long and serious battle with this evil disease, I knew she'd totally understand.  

The hard part with all of this is that my older sister, by nine years found a lump in her breast the week I went to my first Doc.  Her Doc's said that it had calicified, whatever that means.  Which makes this whole thing a bit scarier because my Nana got diagnosed in her late fifties.  We have learned this could be genetic, something I had only heard of and thought was for people on the news.   She went to the MAYO clinic and because my Nana is one heck of a good fighter it didn't come back.  Now didn't I just say that Jody's mom was a Scraper too? Its funny how we as a society believe if someone beats someone or something that they were the best.  With this Disease there are no "best" there is no such thing as someone who "won" their battle because they fought a good fight.  It comes down to chance, and how this silent killer is going to be in ones body.  Okay Heather, remember your young.  This is going to be alright.  Right?  Everyone keeps saying that to me.  Everyone.  I will be alright.  My new Mantra.  A young Survivor I spoke with on the phone this week told me a Mantra for her, This IS Manageable.  

I knew what she meant this week.  As I have had the most toxic stuff pushed through my body.  It has taken me two days to get over those PET/CT scans goodies.  Yesterday for my MRI I got a new kind of liquid contrast based with Gadolinium.  The bottle said it was FDA approved but if you have kidney problems I should tell them.  I was so elated when I left that MRI place.  Finally the sortof good news, that it wasn't in my bones, but may be in my lymph nodes under my arm sank in.  I was done with my Scans!!  Yippee!  Last night the three of us (my younger sister is in town), drove up to the Alaska Junction to have dinner.  I still do not have an appetite but D keeps reminding me that I still have to choke down some food.  Jokingly reminding me that he has seen me eat some big meals, and knows that I love to eat.  So we drove up to the Junction and it was packed.

We parked behind my office.  The office that I used to kick butt in as a Realtor and just last month sold 4 homes.  I felt a sense of something had been taken from me.  I had to let go of three upcoming listings this week as I just new the stress was immediately not going to work.  I love everyone in my office.  It was a little sad.  Oh, here comes that pity party again.  I have to remember my mom here.  A very religious woman, she'd just caste that devil out of here.  So, I will just caste those bad thoughts out of here.  Or was there that 80's commercial of, " I'm going to wash this, mmmm right out of my"  now this isn't a singalong you guys.  Dinner.  We walk up to have Sushi, my sis loves it.  By the time we walked just 4 blocks I was spent.  There was a line, and just four chairs in the waiting area that were full.  How do you ask someone to get up because I need to sit down.  Would I look convincing?  I am just 33 and look from the outside world healthy as could be.  My stomach started to feel a bit nauseous and the lady said it was going to be a half hour wait, we could write down our cell number and she'd call us.  

Usually this would be fun.  I could stroll around looking at the shops.  I usually find my eyes and heart wanting to go past this really cute kids clothing store, but not today.  I told D and my sis that I had to go home.  Let's just get something to go.  D walked back and got the car as we got Mexican to go for them.  I wasn't going to eat.  

No matter how old we are those sibling " I want what you have" passes through me still at times.  And dinner last night was one of those times.  I got what she had ordered and we drove home.  I feel closer to "normal" at home.  I am not around a ton of city people that are healthy all running around with their heads full of their to-do lists.  We tried to watch the newest Will Farrell flick, boring.  I instead wrote down my list of questions for my Oncologist.  I get to meet with him this morning at eleven.  This meeting is what woke me up early today.  I have a huge whirling Monarch butterfly family in there.  So many questions.  

One is that it seems like all these little glow potions have really sucked the soul from me the past days.  Is this normal?  Or since my body is so pure (like the word pure, I struggle for about 30 seconds trying to remember how to spell it) is this all going to affect me a huge way.  Not that I want him to treat me not aggressively because we need to.  I have at least 50 more years on this planet.  But maybe I will need more anit-nausea medicine.  Medicine I would never had agreed with.  Guys I think the flu shot is bad.  One of those things that is the pharmaceutical companies way of getting their pocket books into America.  So..when I say I don't take anything, that means nothing.  

My sis is sleeping on the coach.  She is really worried about her breasts too.  This sis is only a year and seven days younger.  My Dad says when we are around each other we become one person.  We talk on the phone at least once a day, usually more.  Yesterday before she came up here, she went to see her Doc about her breasts.  She graduates from nursing school next Friday.  I still don't know if I can drive all the way down to Eugene.  I don't want to miss it for anything in the world.  But right now, I can't imagine driving down there.  She said she doesn't want me down there if I don't feel good.  I think I will though, no more chemicals for a while.  She's decided to get a Mammogram and an UltraSound just to make sure everything looks good.  I feel bad for her.  She is so young and I know she is scared for herself.  My poor Dad had to face the possibility of my older Sis and I having it in one week.  I think a little too much for him to bare.  He has always said that one of the worst thing that could happen in life is if one of his kids went before him, "Parents shouldn't have to bury their young."   Dad, you won't need to.  Don't worry.  

Good thing he raised a little athlete.  This is where I plug sports, for all of those that think that playing sports is dumb, I will prove to you how more than a little game they all are.  One of the core strengths I am pulling from right now is my athlete in me.  I am SUPER competitive.  I can't even make myself play a game of freakin' dominos with D without being pissed if I lose.  So with this Cancer that I have, I have had to go this athlete that resides deep in me.  I've had to call her to action.  I acutally for the first time in my life have a true battle ahead of me.  The Docs and all of you are on my team.  But I am the leader, K. I'm laughing right now.  I'm not trying to be egocentric, this is just how I've made it in my head. And thanks D for being so nurturing in this way as to let me tell you I need to change the plans. I am now, for the first time in my life.  THE CENTER of it ALL.  I have to have it be that way.  If I am talking on the phone and need to get off, now I get off.  I just say I have to go.  If I need to leave the restaurant because I don't feel good, we leave.  

My mother in law came two nights ago.  I HAD to FORCE myself to relax.  She was here to help me (the night of the PET/CT's).  I kept going into the kitchen and trying to help her.  She gently said, "I'm trying to help."  I realized I needed to let go.  She can find the plastic wrap, she can find a glass for water for me to drink.  She made me an amazing bowl of potato salad, I can't wait to eat.  I think its time for me to take time for myself.  Luckily I am not a single mom who has to put food on the table.  For those of you that are out there, I shed a tear for you and how hard this is.  Is there a place in this amazing city, that people going through treatment like this single mom can have dinner and groceries brought to her at no charge?  I don't believe in handouts.  In fact I don't want to help anyone that can help themselves, as I see it I am just causing them to be further victimized.  But I do believe in helping people that can't help themselves and that are trying to be better/healthier Americans.

My little sis is gently doing some cute Zzz's on the coach.  How is it that we love so deeply.  What is it like to have a child?  This is something that all of you know has been a bit of a despair in my life.  I want them so badly, and waiting has been sucking my life from me.  Luckily, D was wanting to wait a few more years.  D, Thank YOU!!  But now, for the first time in my life, I can't imagine going through this with kids.  Mainly because of the unknown's at this time.  I can take space from friends and family but kids are always there just in that Present state of being being precious.  Just looking up at you with all the love that ever existed in the world, just beaming that love at you, yes..even when they are kicking and screaming, it shines through.  Shining through because they feel safe enough to kick and scream and develop into their little selves before your eyes.  What a gift this will be someday.  But that day now, is further from today than I'd hoped a month ago.  

I was offered by friends Lisa and Jack to bring their baby by for a play date, during my treatment.  This was the one thing that I knew I'd be calling to ask for.  With them here of coarse, but that sounds fantastic!!