Summer is just around the corner

This year, I get to have a summer. I am one of those girls that absolutely loves to go to the beach, lay out in a bikini and lay in the sun. I love to sit out on my deck and read, watching the sun set, or as it will be in a little longer, the sun rise. The roses from the pixies and roses picture (down below) are just starting to bloom the past few days. I remember that picture. My sister drove up to Seattle from Eugene to hold my hand because that was the day I was brave enough to cut my hair from shoulders length to the pixie cut. I needed support. She took a good pic of me. Vanity is starting to trickle back in waves of fierceness. I am really sick of my pudgy cheeks and want desperately to see my cheekbones again. I think I've lost tons of weight the past few weeks, now that the steroids are lessened.
Yesterday I took my longest walk that I've been able to take in a long while, I need to get in my car and actually drive it to see how many miles it is. It took me a few hours, I'm guessing 8 miles. I'm not sore at all today, and I want to do it all over again. Especially since I can't sleep and I could leave right now. But I am going to force myself to take it easy today, because yesterday on the walk my lungs, both of them were kind of burning towards the end of the walk. They felt fine after my walk, and even right now okay to breath in deeply. I am sure I am fine. I am so sick of this leash I have around me, that I've been forced to have around me. Okay, a more positive spin, I sure am thankful that I've learned to slow down a bit and listen to my body. I actually don't know if I learned to slow down, but I sure did learn the listen to my body bit.

I am getting very excited for my party this weekend, and to be around all my family and friends. I can't wait to hold my sisters hand, and kick her butt at some board game.

Steroid Feast

Reluctantly, last night I ate two steroids and began my next hurdle of my LAST (yippee) set of Chemo treatment. I had a few minutes of, "Crap, I don't want to start all this again." But, after a little dinner, I downed the tabs and walked into the unknown. I slept pretty well last night, woke up only once. When I did wake up this morning, West Seattle was immersed in a blanket of thick fog. I welcome this change of weather. I want to move forward as fast as I can with all these seasons. It is hard to believe that I have been dealing with all this since early May. That is the day, the little girl in me brought myself to my regular doctor and had no idea what I was in store for in the coming month. She didn't scare me and just referred me off to get checked, just because she wasn't sure. WASN"T SURE!! Thank God forLeslie C. Tregillus, M.D., and that she didn't take a chance with me. DIDN'T TAKE A CHANCE. Huge! Unbelievable.
Those weeks of waiting came and went and I was nervous. But not that nervous. I knew in my gut though. I did. I tried to prepare D for it the "possibility" the best I could. When I got diagnosed I remembered about a year and a half earlier I had this really odd month. I wasn't pregnant, impossible due to my IUD, but I had three sponanteous times that I got really whoozy and then threw up. Maybe this is when I got "Cancer".
Yesterday I watched Oprah's show on BC. I cried a lot. The sisterhood of familiar feelings and depths of loss, only understood by Survivors.
So, today I start the treatment. I have not allowed myself to read what other people experience, just listened to my Onc. I don't want to fill my head with possibilities. I want to have my own experience, and right now I am very impressionable. So, I am protecting myself from myself. My sister is coming this weekend. I hope that I am doing awesome and we get to take a long walk together and make food together and cuddle and hold hands.

Already?

Chemo day number three. I am not stoked that its here. I feel like I am running the best race of my life and I twisted my ankle and I have to stop. Bummer! I am having so much fun again and now I get to feel like total crap for another week. My sister is on her way up from Eugene. I haven't wanted to talk to her that much this past week because I didn't want to talk about her coming. You know how you do that with guest. The excitement that they are coming. Because she is coming to help us out, there isn't in an excitement to see her because she's coming to help me through this chemo crap. Chemo does weird things to my brain. It makes me sick to even think about today and what's going to happen. I called her yesterday and told her, "okay, I'm ready to talk about you coming. I've got my game hat on again." I was serious. I have to put on my kick ass, or the actual Fuck Cancer hat, my friend Tamara got me to get myself psyched for this. After today, I only have one more AC and that's going to be awesome!!

Family

When I hung the phone up with the first lady that called to tell me I have breast cancer and that I needed to come to the Breast Center right away, I hung up and called my Dad.  I told him that I knew nothing more than that I have Breast Cancer (do you capitalize this or not?  To me its EVERYTHING right now, and seems like it has earned its right to be so)  and could he call the family and tell them, and call my best friend that I grew up with Jody; her mom fought a long and serious battle with this evil disease, I knew she'd totally understand.  

The hard part with all of this is that my older sister, by nine years found a lump in her breast the week I went to my first Doc.  Her Doc's said that it had calicified, whatever that means.  Which makes this whole thing a bit scarier because my Nana got diagnosed in her late fifties.  We have learned this could be genetic, something I had only heard of and thought was for people on the news.   She went to the MAYO clinic and because my Nana is one heck of a good fighter it didn't come back.  Now didn't I just say that Jody's mom was a Scraper too? Its funny how we as a society believe if someone beats someone or something that they were the best.  With this Disease there are no "best" there is no such thing as someone who "won" their battle because they fought a good fight.  It comes down to chance, and how this silent killer is going to be in ones body.  Okay Heather, remember your young.  This is going to be alright.  Right?  Everyone keeps saying that to me.  Everyone.  I will be alright.  My new Mantra.  A young Survivor I spoke with on the phone this week told me a Mantra for her, This IS Manageable.  

I knew what she meant this week.  As I have had the most toxic stuff pushed through my body.  It has taken me two days to get over those PET/CT scans goodies.  Yesterday for my MRI I got a new kind of liquid contrast based with Gadolinium.  The bottle said it was FDA approved but if you have kidney problems I should tell them.  I was so elated when I left that MRI place.  Finally the sortof good news, that it wasn't in my bones, but may be in my lymph nodes under my arm sank in.  I was done with my Scans!!  Yippee!  Last night the three of us (my younger sister is in town), drove up to the Alaska Junction to have dinner.  I still do not have an appetite but D keeps reminding me that I still have to choke down some food.  Jokingly reminding me that he has seen me eat some big meals, and knows that I love to eat.  So we drove up to the Junction and it was packed.

We parked behind my office.  The office that I used to kick butt in as a Realtor and just last month sold 4 homes.  I felt a sense of something had been taken from me.  I had to let go of three upcoming listings this week as I just new the stress was immediately not going to work.  I love everyone in my office.  It was a little sad.  Oh, here comes that pity party again.  I have to remember my mom here.  A very religious woman, she'd just caste that devil out of here.  So, I will just caste those bad thoughts out of here.  Or was there that 80's commercial of, " I'm going to wash this, mmmm right out of my"  now this isn't a singalong you guys.  Dinner.  We walk up to have Sushi, my sis loves it.  By the time we walked just 4 blocks I was spent.  There was a line, and just four chairs in the waiting area that were full.  How do you ask someone to get up because I need to sit down.  Would I look convincing?  I am just 33 and look from the outside world healthy as could be.  My stomach started to feel a bit nauseous and the lady said it was going to be a half hour wait, we could write down our cell number and she'd call us.  

Usually this would be fun.  I could stroll around looking at the shops.  I usually find my eyes and heart wanting to go past this really cute kids clothing store, but not today.  I told D and my sis that I had to go home.  Let's just get something to go.  D walked back and got the car as we got Mexican to go for them.  I wasn't going to eat.  

No matter how old we are those sibling " I want what you have" passes through me still at times.  And dinner last night was one of those times.  I got what she had ordered and we drove home.  I feel closer to "normal" at home.  I am not around a ton of city people that are healthy all running around with their heads full of their to-do lists.  We tried to watch the newest Will Farrell flick, boring.  I instead wrote down my list of questions for my Oncologist.  I get to meet with him this morning at eleven.  This meeting is what woke me up early today.  I have a huge whirling Monarch butterfly family in there.  So many questions.  

One is that it seems like all these little glow potions have really sucked the soul from me the past days.  Is this normal?  Or since my body is so pure (like the word pure, I struggle for about 30 seconds trying to remember how to spell it) is this all going to affect me a huge way.  Not that I want him to treat me not aggressively because we need to.  I have at least 50 more years on this planet.  But maybe I will need more anit-nausea medicine.  Medicine I would never had agreed with.  Guys I think the flu shot is bad.  One of those things that is the pharmaceutical companies way of getting their pocket books into America.  So..when I say I don't take anything, that means nothing.  

My sis is sleeping on the coach.  She is really worried about her breasts too.  This sis is only a year and seven days younger.  My Dad says when we are around each other we become one person.  We talk on the phone at least once a day, usually more.  Yesterday before she came up here, she went to see her Doc about her breasts.  She graduates from nursing school next Friday.  I still don't know if I can drive all the way down to Eugene.  I don't want to miss it for anything in the world.  But right now, I can't imagine driving down there.  She said she doesn't want me down there if I don't feel good.  I think I will though, no more chemicals for a while.  She's decided to get a Mammogram and an UltraSound just to make sure everything looks good.  I feel bad for her.  She is so young and I know she is scared for herself.  My poor Dad had to face the possibility of my older Sis and I having it in one week.  I think a little too much for him to bare.  He has always said that one of the worst thing that could happen in life is if one of his kids went before him, "Parents shouldn't have to bury their young."   Dad, you won't need to.  Don't worry.  

Good thing he raised a little athlete.  This is where I plug sports, for all of those that think that playing sports is dumb, I will prove to you how more than a little game they all are.  One of the core strengths I am pulling from right now is my athlete in me.  I am SUPER competitive.  I can't even make myself play a game of freakin' dominos with D without being pissed if I lose.  So with this Cancer that I have, I have had to go this athlete that resides deep in me.  I've had to call her to action.  I acutally for the first time in my life have a true battle ahead of me.  The Docs and all of you are on my team.  But I am the leader, K. I'm laughing right now.  I'm not trying to be egocentric, this is just how I've made it in my head. And thanks D for being so nurturing in this way as to let me tell you I need to change the plans. I am now, for the first time in my life.  THE CENTER of it ALL.  I have to have it be that way.  If I am talking on the phone and need to get off, now I get off.  I just say I have to go.  If I need to leave the restaurant because I don't feel good, we leave.  

My mother in law came two nights ago.  I HAD to FORCE myself to relax.  She was here to help me (the night of the PET/CT's).  I kept going into the kitchen and trying to help her.  She gently said, "I'm trying to help."  I realized I needed to let go.  She can find the plastic wrap, she can find a glass for water for me to drink.  She made me an amazing bowl of potato salad, I can't wait to eat.  I think its time for me to take time for myself.  Luckily I am not a single mom who has to put food on the table.  For those of you that are out there, I shed a tear for you and how hard this is.  Is there a place in this amazing city, that people going through treatment like this single mom can have dinner and groceries brought to her at no charge?  I don't believe in handouts.  In fact I don't want to help anyone that can help themselves, as I see it I am just causing them to be further victimized.  But I do believe in helping people that can't help themselves and that are trying to be better/healthier Americans.

My little sis is gently doing some cute Zzz's on the coach.  How is it that we love so deeply.  What is it like to have a child?  This is something that all of you know has been a bit of a despair in my life.  I want them so badly, and waiting has been sucking my life from me.  Luckily, D was wanting to wait a few more years.  D, Thank YOU!!  But now, for the first time in my life, I can't imagine going through this with kids.  Mainly because of the unknown's at this time.  I can take space from friends and family but kids are always there just in that Present state of being being precious.  Just looking up at you with all the love that ever existed in the world, just beaming that love at you, yes..even when they are kicking and screaming, it shines through.  Shining through because they feel safe enough to kick and scream and develop into their little selves before your eyes.  What a gift this will be someday.  But that day now, is further from today than I'd hoped a month ago.  

I was offered by friends Lisa and Jack to bring their baby by for a play date, during my treatment.  This was the one thing that I knew I'd be calling to ask for.  With them here of coarse, but that sounds fantastic!!