Summer is just around the corner

This year, I get to have a summer. I am one of those girls that absolutely loves to go to the beach, lay out in a bikini and lay in the sun. I love to sit out on my deck and read, watching the sun set, or as it will be in a little longer, the sun rise. The roses from the pixies and roses picture (down below) are just starting to bloom the past few days. I remember that picture. My sister drove up to Seattle from Eugene to hold my hand because that was the day I was brave enough to cut my hair from shoulders length to the pixie cut. I needed support. She took a good pic of me. Vanity is starting to trickle back in waves of fierceness. I am really sick of my pudgy cheeks and want desperately to see my cheekbones again. I think I've lost tons of weight the past few weeks, now that the steroids are lessened.
Yesterday I took my longest walk that I've been able to take in a long while, I need to get in my car and actually drive it to see how many miles it is. It took me a few hours, I'm guessing 8 miles. I'm not sore at all today, and I want to do it all over again. Especially since I can't sleep and I could leave right now. But I am going to force myself to take it easy today, because yesterday on the walk my lungs, both of them were kind of burning towards the end of the walk. They felt fine after my walk, and even right now okay to breath in deeply. I am sure I am fine. I am so sick of this leash I have around me, that I've been forced to have around me. Okay, a more positive spin, I sure am thankful that I've learned to slow down a bit and listen to my body. I actually don't know if I learned to slow down, but I sure did learn the listen to my body bit.

I am getting very excited for my party this weekend, and to be around all my family and friends. I can't wait to hold my sisters hand, and kick her butt at some board game.

I am so Ex-ci-t-ed

And I just can't h-i-de it! I know, I know....

Its great. I lost another 6 pounds since I was in the hospital! I am now 150.9!!! WhooHoo!!

I only have 12 more to go, Yippee!!!

My lungs are doing great. He said it appears that all the water is gone. He is starting to take me slowly off the steroids, but slowly. We have to be careful of the inflammation in the lining of my heart and lungs. He said I may start to hurt, and if so I need to call him. We don't want what happened to happen again.

My WBC's are above normal, 14,000, because of the steroids. Watch out sushi, here I come! Watch out pedicures (this is making me cry right now) here I come. I probably shouldn't be going and buying a pedicure since I am not working right now, but I am going to. I need to celebrate!

I had a tough conversation with my Onc today. I wasn't looking for an apology, but I was wanting reassurance for the future. He did apologize and said that he missed it. I gave him so many signs and symptoms, and he ignored me. I was afraid that what if in the future I get a feeling of something and he ignores it.

He said that he now knows, and will never forget because this was such a big "overly dramatic" event, that he won't forget that I am really in tune with my body, unlike many people, and that he will pay much closer attention. "if you twitch, I'll move." So, I feel good. And I am also happy that he took responsibility for not hearing me. I hated it. I was starting to feel like I was a Hyperchondriact.

Nails of death

Not sure, and hope I never do know for sure what a dead body smells like. But I now have seven, count them 7 nails that are falling off and two of them smell like death. Talking on my phone is hard to do as they are close to my nose and make me sick. I am almost ready to start wearing latex gloves when I eat are touch food. In fact, I think I will. I know the air is good for them. Twice a day I soak them in epson salt for ten minutes and it just cleans out the skin deeper and deeper under the nail beds. The nails that stink have a disgusting red liquid that comes out from under them. Last week my doc wasn't concerned this week he said, "looks like you have a little infection." He prescribed an anitbiotic that is disgusting. I am supposed to take it four times a day for seven days. I took it at 9 and then I have been on a kick for the rest of the day of deciding I knew better than the doc and that I wasn't going to take them. I tried flushing under the nail with tea tree oil (which is very smelly usually) and lavender oil, both good at anti-bacterial stuff. But they didn't even come near taking away the death smell. Coudln't even smell the yummy lavender.
As I am writing this I can oh, so little smell my fingers and I know I am being ridiculous. I even tried calling my Onc, but the office is closed. I just don't want to take another freakin' pill, don't want to take something that hurts my stomach and makes me have heart burn, doesn't want to take a med that I have to take on an empty stomach, I don't want to take another fucking pill. But I am being dumb, I am risking a bigger infection sense my counts are low, and I took another fucking pill. Fuck. Fuck the stench.
The little sister in me that loved, and I mean loved to terrorize my siblings whenever it was my turn to do so, keeps trying or suggesting D, "just smell them." (okay, if you're going to read any further, you must pinkie swear me that you're not going to tell D). And the (I'm laughing) even naughtier sibling in me, that is surely pushing my luck, (more naughty laughter) when he sleeps (more naughty laughter) puts my hands close to his face. Oh, its so bad. I know. I have this evil side of me, and it is just wanting to share with him. This whole cancer thing is not sexy. Nothing about it is sexy. And trying to get my husband to smell my disgusting fingers is not sexy. So why do it to him. Because he is also my brother at times. He is my father at times. He is everything to me at different times. And sometimes I like to scratch him with my toe nails when he is relaxing just to hear him squeal. I don't know. Call me a turd. Its fun.
Tomorrow I have a CT scan to check my lungs. I hope something shows up. Maybe my ( ugh. that pill is starting to make my throat taste gross) lungs have some weird thing going on just from the chemo. I just don't want it to not show anything, because something is happening. I am not a hyperchondriac. They hurt.