Feathers and Fire

Once again, I find myself in awe of the lessons cancer has taught me, and is still revealing unto me. Before Cancer, I sure was a goal setter. A planner to the T. List maker extraordinaire. I am really loving making my lists again, but now my ego is not attached to these lists, or to an outcome. I sit here this morning, full of joy and have gotten closer to a whole(r) place of being in my body, mind, and soul.

This past weekend, I attended a ceremony for my friends daughters second birthday. I have been putting of attending a ceremony since I have been going through this stuff (sounds so trivial when I put it that way..), for the main reason of a few postings ago..I had let go of Faith in my life. I had to. I had to set it aside, and just be "in" the present moment, that in all reality was much more of a spiritual journey than I have ever been on.

Well, this weekend it just happened that my jam packed real estate schedule (yippee a schedule) all vanished for various meant to be reasons, and there was nothing holding me to the city. I drove down to Southern Oregon, and met with friends that had gathered from Washington, Idaho, Alaska, Oregon, and California. Old friends that I have not seen in years. Friends, that are my brothers in my life. Men that have my back. Men that I can call for any reason, and they are there for me. For no other reason, than they love me. Which is hard pressed in my life. I would say I only have two others in my life, that there are no ulterior motivations. Just pure sister brother relations.

In this ceremony, I prayed and prayed, and prayed some more for my friends daughters life. For their life as parents, for their guidance for her, for their continued communication and love for one another so that she may have good examples of the love she deserves in her later life, ect.

In praying for her life, I connected back into my faith. A faith that I thought had gone away. A faith that I felt had betrayed me. A faith that had not been there. A faith that indeed I did feel all along, but that I chose to exile, so that I could dig deeper, and be "alone".

What I learned this weekend is that my faith is not an extension of me. It is not outside of me. It is not something I can "have" or "believe in" or even "live by". It simply is my heart, it is my soul, it is my breath and my blood that pulses through my body with each heartbeat. I looked deeper into myself this weekend and found a stronger me. A wholer me. A me, that I do not not need to exile any longer.

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This week is the second biggest week of my training for this marathon. I run 40 miles, and am very excited about it. I woke up in the middle of the night, freaking out about my Saturday run that will be 20 miles!! Its small compared to April 25th's 26.285... I ran through my first pair of shoes, and bought a new pair yesterday. Very excited to bring these new ones for my ten miles spin today. Its a beautiful day here in Seattle. I am opening my life up for change on many levels. I'm noticing here in my life, that I am not connected to any one thing, as I had been before cancer. I believe after this weekend, it is through my faith, faith in my life, and my body, my soul, my path, that what will be, will simply just be. I have nothing to hold onto, other than change, and the perpetual motion of being in the present moment and living in awe of the unknowns.

Ode to the 6 month tests

Tomorrow morning is my next six month check up. I tried really, really hard to squirm my way out of getting the darn mammogram. But the MRI folks realized I didn't have the films sent to them today, and called me and asked for them. Drats! Foiled!! Since the mammo failed me the first time, since it didn't find the cancer, didn't even SHOW my cancer, I don't want it. LIke last week I went to the dentist, and I didn't want the xrays. I don't want the extra radiation. Hahaha!! I don't want that little bit of radiation, but I'll take high dose radiation where it counts. haha.. life and all of its ironies you gotta love.
So...I got caught. I called my stellar oncology doc and the awesome team there scheduled everything for me and then made all the calls to the MRI folks. I realized how lucky I was today, when I spoke with a newbie. She is a cherished mother of dear friends of mine. It was a big day on Survivor land.
I spoke with her, with not a stretch for my heart, at all. I felt empowered and full of just the right things for her. I realized when speaking with her, how I was able to give my treatment to Dr. K. I let him be in charge of getting me through, so that I could just be with myself. My job, my only job was to get better, to take care of Heather. I did a good job. I sure did have some growing pains. I laugh out loud to myself thinking of them. LIke the time that I walked all the way down to the beach, down a very steep long hill, barely able to see, walking into branches, and then having to call D to come and pick me up. Totally deflated that I couldn't walk home. I learned about limits. I learned that I needed to not be such an athlete all the time. I learned I didn't have to prove anything to myself. It was okay to be vulnerable. To be true. To be in the present moment, and to listen to my body.
These lessons are helping me succeed and to now push my machine into marathon shape.
Okay, back to the survivors today. So that was this afternoon that I spoke with her. But this morning, one of the only woman that is my age, and is a dynamite kick ass power house, who by the way is a Triple Negative Stage 1 too, told me today that she found a new lump while she was in class. Fuck! I had that scare, we both reminded each other of that. BUt you know what? We share the knowing of what it is like. There is the club, that I hope to God none of you have to belong to..but we understand down to a cellular level of what she is going through right now. I'm feeling for you, E. Hugs.
Okay, so tomorrow. The mammo that I didn't get out of, and the MRI. I always get sick from the toxic stuff the put in you. I have to run eight miles tomorrow, so I might run from my part of town, which is Queen Anne to First Hill. You know what rocks, is that I am not super scared (well, the past few days I have not been sleeping again...so maybe I am), and I am running there. I feel strong. Last Saturday I ran sixteen miles in two hours and fifty-three minutes. I loved it, and when I wasn't loving it, I thought about my life, and how lucky I am to be alive and happy. Truly happy. Tomorrow isn't here yet, so I am going to relax and try to get some sleep.

Daphne

This time of year always brings a smile to my face. Actually, anytime brings a smile to my face, but lately its waffs of Daphne in full bloom that I breathe in as I run, or as I walk into my sisters house. I love this plant, and if I am ever lucky enough to be a mother to a little girl, I would love to name her Daphne, if they are a fit.
I have decided to not write here unless I have something to process or share, and I do again finally. Finding the place to start seems to be harder and harder because I am not writing as often. I am not sure what is good for me. Maybe I should be writing more often. I guess I just do not have the desire to make my writing interesting and fun right now.
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One thing that I have learned from an early age is that I do not want to put myself in a place of being a victim, or feeling sorry for myself. This is not a Heather thing to do. But (there are always Buts in life) I did choose to become very in~sync with myself, and I shared my entire process. I feel like in this introspection there is, and very well maybe a place of being too in tune. Like maybe i just need to be. Not think everything through so much. Maybe its as simple as loving myself back in that now learned place of...dah..dah..dahhhh..dahh..the present moment.
As right now, the Daphne is in bloom, it is night, and I am laying in bed all cozied in with my new snuggle buddy (stuffed elephant that is HUGe, LOL) and that is all I need right now. I am content, in fact I feel blissed out.
As I was walking with a friend today I explained that when I am around her, I don't feel like I need to protect her, or worry about her, and that I can just process my feelings. I notice this with most of my close friends. I feel like I am "living life" around her. But at other times I feel myself protecting loved ones and not "living life" around them. This past weekend I visited my beloved sister and my baby nephew.
I knew visiting my nephew may be difficult for me since I just came to the understanding that I may very well not be able to be a mother in the way that I had always dreamt. I have even come to a place in the last couple of weeks, with toying around and sitting with the elephant in the room, that maybe I will just not be a mother at all. I am not going there totally yet, because I know that that will not be the case. I have to trust that Spirit will bring my children to me, in whatever form, but a form they will come. They must. I have too much love to share to not.
Anyhow, so visiting my sister was great. But I felt the whole time I was not fully giving myself to her. We did fall asleep and cuddle like two peas in our usual pod, but I was careful with her. I just didn't give 100% to her, not even 60%. SHe knows it, I am sure she felt it. I blurted out on my walk today, that I think its because what if I die and I don't want to cause her anymore pain. And I also shared my little morbid reason of my new found obsession with taking photos of everything. It is for her to look back when I die and see all the things, all the things that make Up Life, and see what touched my heart.
Or maybe I am just reminding myself of what is My Life, and what touches my heart, and its as simple as that. Everything means more now. The Daphne is intoxicating, whereas before I just loved it immensely. Now, it creeps into poems and is a thought in my daily mind like a new lover.
Other changes I am noticing is in my work. I love being a healer, and I will die, one day, being a healer. I also love selling real estate and enjoy the game of it. I truly do. But the past few weeks, I have been toying around with the idea of not selling real estate anymore and just being a Healer. Because life is too short to have so much stress. But that is not what its really about for me. At all. I enjoy it. I simply am not able to do it all as much as I need to be doing, and to do it all gracefully. I guess Grace is gone for the moment. I feel like a clunky teenager. For example, tonight I had plans to go out to dinner with a friend and catch up. I had a buyer call a half hour before I was to pick her up, and say, I am finally ready to make an offer on this house. I chose to take care of myself instead of doing what the old Heather would do. I did not cancel my plans. But went to dinner and had a great time. I got home at 10. The old Heather was saying, go to the office and write up the offer tonight so you can sleep in. But the new Heather said, No, go home write, and wake up early and write the offer up.
Is it insane to work until midnight? If you love what you do? Yes.
So, I am fine doing them both. And you may even wonder why it is that I write this since its not really about my Journey with cancer. But really it is. You see, I had the Pre-Cancer Heather, the Cancer-Heather, and now these two young women need to integrate so that I can start living my life as Heather. I need to stop being in limbo and actively start molding these lovely ladies together. Well, Hello there. Nice to meet you. Way to start taking care of yourself.
Speaking of taking care of myself, I ran last Saturday 15 miles in 2 hrs and 35 minutes. I am feeling incredible. My stress levels and anxiety are way lower.
I am able to handle more. Each week that goes by I notice a huge change in my well being. I feel calmer, though at times--- I grew up watching The Jetsens-- I feel like Rosie the robot when she has her meltdowns and wonder if people can see my bolts and screws go haywire in the air..haha.
I guess these juxtapositions are life. I guess its okay that I am not back to normal, and that normal is trying to still catch up to the whirling dervish I have been enraptured by. There is no right way to deal with being told you have a life threatening illness, no right way to go through treatment, and no right way to heal from the trauma. It just is what it is and that is it. Pretty simple really.
I am doing better. I am feeling strong and I am sleeping finally ( I write this as I yawn). I think I am in shock still when I think about what I have gone through. I am nearing the time that I will read through my blog and start writing my book. I am becoming clearer and clearer on how it will be written. It is a fun thing to think about as I run.

Sheer Delight

Bundled in my robe, fuzzy blanket, and slippers, I sit drinking Lap Sang Souchang (my favorite smoky tea). It is absolutely freezing this morning here in Seattle, a whopping 18 degrees. When i was a little girl, I kept journals. I still have years and years of journals. On rainy Seaside, Oregon stormy weather days, I would go back and read, what I had done the year before on that particular frigid day. Maybe this is why I am doing so much thinking of last year, so much comparing. One thing for sure, the little type A in me has to be okay with my inability to spell. Chemo clouded this part of my brain. I am getting way better, but still it is very hard. Like yesterday I could not figure out if I should use the word "than" or "then". I have NEVER in my life not been able to figure this out. It totally makes me jump out of my skin seeing misspelled words, and all my bad grammar. I am trying to embrace this here in this blog. Free style writing....
So, yes! It is freezing. Yesterday, and many days I feel deep inside me an inner raging of delight, that is new to me. Before cancer, I was a very happy joyful person, don't get me wrong. But now, there is a waterfall of gushing energy that is at my core. Billowing from my stomach, and I am not sure its healthy. When I was on vacation, I did not notice it. I was relaxed, calm, focused on the sun, the ocean, and I slept very well.
Now that I am home, the waterfall is gently raging once again. I notice that I get stressed very easily, overwhelmed at a drop of a hat, and toss and turn all night long. I feel like I am walking on eggshells around myself. haha. But seriously. It all makes sense right? It is obvious what needs to be done, right? Like someone that has come and gone through what I just did, should in a perfect world sit on a warm sunny beach, drinking Green smoothies with an IV drip of golden cleansing whatevers, and not have any "life" stuff to deal with. I would not get bored of this in a the slightest. But, that is not life. And I am back, and at a running start of coarse. Still my style, some things do not change.
I have learned through cancer to allow people to help me, and that is what i am starting now. The little control girl in me, the girl that believes she can do everything herself, is now entering a partnership with my Real Estate and that will lessen the load.
Okay, back to real stuff. My body is awesome. A few months ago, I started running. I ran everyday, and for the first time in my life, I hurt myself. Being what my doc's refer to as "deconditioned" I had to stop running, and let my knees heal. They did. Now i am running every other day, and yoga and lifting weights on the alternate ones. I am feeling strong.
I have a core sense of self, that i had pre-cancer, but its stronger. She is stronger. I am really excited for the integration that this cold weather is going to bestow upon me. Off to do some yoga. Loving that today, I am healthy, I am smiling, I am sitting with tea and joy, and a gushing waterfall of love pouring forth on to all of you.