Letting go

I realized that my chemo getting cancelled didn't effect me the way it did last time. I was so freaked out last time. Freaked out because I was skipping a treatment. Freaked out because I was supposed to do one. This time, I think I can see my growth as a person, in a big way. I have really learned to let go. It really doesn't matter either way. I can only do what I can do, and that is it. So, I'm patting myself on the back. As today, I was reflecting and realized this. Maybe what my Dad has been saying to me my entire life is starting to become actualized. "Why stress over the things you have no control of, Heather?" Well Dad, even though your not reading this because, it chokes you up to much, I'm starting to learn what you mean(t).

Before Cancer

Before I got that call that ended the carefree world of chosen anxiety ridden emotional moments I was reading The Diving Bell and the Butterfly. I had been listening to Sarah Cahoones latest record, over and over and over again.  In the past few weeks, I have had a strong repulsion to listening to that album or of picking up that book.  Those items helped me process and go over my old thoughts, or was it my old thought processes.  That book and that album will forever signify to me, my 33 year old fun and ridiculously stressed out life.  What a joke.

What a joke that I used to get so bent on all the small stuff.  I got my feelings hurt if something happened in real estate or in my life.  I always tried to make the situation better.  I am not that person anymore.  I actually have no energy to care.  Maybe I will care again someday.  But I don't think so.  I think I've just changed, and for the better.  My Dad always says, "Worrying about it doesn't change it.  Might as well not stress about something you can't change."  I understand now.  I understood then, but always new that that lesson would take age and life experience.  I have gotten a good dose of life experience in the past 3 weeks, three weeks in six hours.  

Last night I picked up that book and started reading it.  I did only because I hate to not finish a book, or anything for that matter.  It silently would drive me crazy.  I LOVE to check things off my to do list.  When D got back from band practice last night and crawled into bed, I asked him how he was doing.  He said that he is right now, just trying to act like our life is normal.  I told him, that my life is never going to be the way it was.  It will be new and we together will make a new normal.  I told him I understood what he was thinking and trying to be, but I also told him his life would never be the same way.  It is scary not knowing what is ahead for us on this journey.  I have no idea what this Breast Cancer road looks like and what I have to do to get better.  Curse that BEACHES movie!!  Damn Beth Midler!!  I wish there were more awesome cancer movies out there that depicted a good fight that was won!!