Opening

I have been working and visiting with friends like a maniac. Yesterday was my first day in weeks where I did nothing, and spent most of the day alone. I was able to slow down and get tired, finally. About a week ago I hiked a nearby mountain, well..not all the way to the top, but close. My body felt great and I wasn't in pain. I am not sure if what happened yesterday is related to the hike or not, the doc's will all say no it didn't. But I think it did. But then again, I'm not a doc and maybe they are right.
But two days ago, I noticed when I was giving massages that my chest started hurting when I bent over to grab my massage oil. So, I started to put the bottle of oil on counter tops and not on the floor. This is a classic symptom of pericarditis. Bending forward and hurting. Even though I've gone through this a few times now, I still ignored that I was in pain so much that I had to change my pattern of doing things. I'm stubborn what can I say!
That night when I crawled into bed, my chest hurt to lay on my side. When I woke up, I new I was in trouble when simply walking down the stairs made my heart really hurt. I found myself holding onto my chest as I jostled my way down to the kitchen. I can't believe my good luck, but one of the top cardiologists in the city is one of my new clients and I was just so happening to give him a massage that morning (yesterday). He told me what he thought, but then again he hasn't seen my charts. I made some laughs about girly stuff like, "Crap! I don't want to go back on steroids. I am just starting to lose this weight. I don't want a moon face again!"
I left there and phoned my cardio, who was and is on-call all weekend. He put me back on steroids and it took until this morning for me to take in a deep breath with no pain, but I can now say, I am pain free again.
This sucks for many reasons. One, is that my inflammation punched through the anti-inflammatories that are non-steroidal. This is not good because for Two, inflammation around the lining of the heart can cause the lining to thicken which leads to a surgery that sounds straight out of a horror film to me. The surgeon would peel/scrap the lining away so that it is thinner. No thank you. Third, I might have to be on a low dose of steroids for a while. Four, I don't want a moon face anymore, and I was really liking the beginning of being able to see my damn cheeck bones again.

The good news, is I knew what to look for and jumped on it. And I am not going to have another full blown attack. The other news, is that I am switching to one of the top cardio's in the United States, and will be in good hands. Not that I wasn't before. But at least we can get to the bottom of this and I can relax knowing that I am in good hands. No more, "well this is where art and medicine come together." Hopefully my new cardio, can talk to other good cardio's in the US and figure it out.

Signed,

Pissed off on a sunny day in Seattle

In my dreams

Last night, as I slept, I thought about the title of my blog. Heathers journey to health. Mmmm...

Finally, I feel like I AM this tangible road. This past year, I was on it, but there were obstacles at every bend. Like the road out to Hana, on Maui. Over 200 bends, and curves, but along the way waterfalls and sacred places to clear the heart and soul. This year has been full of this. I made it.

I am not sure why I feel like I am now "really" on the road to healing. But maybe its because I notice my body coming to life again. I see my nails growing, my heart opening further, the tiger in my starting to fluff its main and feel the growl (speaking of, I need to do more of this), and I get to call my ND next week and start the cleansing procedure. I get to take trips away, see friends, walk up hills and not feel like I am an old woman gasping for air.

The road to health, to healing, is much longer than I thought. Just like Hana. Next time I go there, I am flying past all the bends and curves, to get to my favorite spots. And I am ready to let this past year, be in the past. Phew! She says with tears.

Another thing I love, is that I get to hold other sisters hands, all strangers linked by a common thread. A friend said to me yesterday that I should do rituals for other woman when they are done. Or help them with creating their unique way of moving forward. I like this idea. Life is so expansive and open. Ceaseless, endless opportunities to grow, to love, and to usher others. I feel blessed to be on this road.

Good and Bad News

First of all, I am going to say that my Onc told me and my Cardiologists told me it was totally fine to start exercising. Okay.
I ran Monday, ran Tuesday, and felt awesome, during and afterwards. Well, Tuesday night I woke up with a pain in my chest on the left side. Not just sort of pain, but excruciating pain. I couldn't sleep on either side because of this pain. The pain was/is totally different than lat time, in that its super painful. Last time, it gradually was painful. So, I woke up Wednesday didn't excercise and ended up calling my Onc in the late afternoon because I could hardly breathe. He wanted me to go to the ER and I wouldn't go. Last time it was such a horrible experience, in that you check in talk to a doc that has no idea whats actually going on, and its a run around. So, I didn't go. I called and spoke with my cardiologist twice in the evening and was assured that I was probably going to be fine.
I couldn't sleep well at all last night because the pain has only gotten worse. This morning after my rad, I got a chest X-ray and an Eccho again. The good news, my heart is awesome. The bad news, I have a moderate level of fluid in both my lungs again. I really don't think this is caused by me running, as if you remember a few weeks back I noticed the swelling came back in my ankles, which is a symptom of all this crap. I am over it!
I do not want to take predisone anymore. I am sick of steroids. I want to be get back to my slim and FIT body. I want to be pretty again. I am just so sick of the weight. Please don't write and say I will be soon enough, I know I will. I just am sick of it. SICK OF IT!! I was really excited to start exercising like a freak and get back into health.
I am not supposed to know any of this as I saw it on the Eccho, but am waiting to hear back from a DR who is allowed to tell me the info. I've had the eccho done enough now, that I can see fluid.

Horrible sleep

I have been sleeping pretty well the past few nights, but not last night. Went to bed at usual 830 but woke up all through the night. At one point I thought about how scared I really am. To get through this I haven't allowed myself to feel the fear mainly because the fear isn't a healthy place to visit nor reside in for a period of time. I don't feel safe feeling the fear, nor acknowledging it alone. I am going to start seeing and oncology therapist and I will do that with her.
Today i have a few massages early this morning, and then and HIV/AIDS continuing ed class for massage. I took the class 14 years ago, so I thought it was time for a recap.
I am seriously beginning to dream of my veggie garden I am going to have this year. The entire time I've lived in the city I have always thought that living in the city one doesn't get to have a big garden. This year, I thought what balonie and I am going to have one, the size I'd have on Vashon! I'm excited.

More sleep and sleepy

I will write a big one tomorrow, but for now just know I am exhausted! I am forcing myself to stay up way past my bedtime of 8:30 to watch LOST that is starting in 13 minutes...I'm not counting heehee..

Sleeping alot

I have been going to sleep around 8:30 for a while now. Last night, the Amazing Race was on, and I fell asleep watching it. I have just been exhausted. I slept pretty well last night, woke up around 2:30, drank some water, and then fell back to sleep until 6 AM. I woke up with tons of energy, so I made a beef stew. Today is absolutely gorgeous and I am wishing my blister wasn't having such a hard time healing. I think now that I am lowering the steroid dosage, that my WBC count is getting lower, possibly. I just don't understand if it was high why it got so infected. As, I have had neosporin on it constantly with clean bandages. I wish the rollerblading blister was healed, so I could go bladding again today. Yesterday, I took my first 2 mile walk down to the beach and back. There is a huge hill that I walked briskly up, but had to stop a couple of times and catch my breath. It felt so good to walk up a hill, to feel my heart beating, and to feel the strength in my legs. My leg muscles were actually a little sore, not noticeable, but just a little, "hey, were here," feeling.
I am beginning to have fleeting moments of feeling my athlete in my rise again, and she dreams about the day I can go for a run again. She thinks of just running down the block and then doing lunges home. : )


****

I took another 2 mile walk today down to the beach, but this time I didn't have to stop to catch my breath. Its amazing how sore my tibialis anterior's were! Ouch!! My body is waking up and being sore!

Not sleeping

I have slept maybe a total of 30 minutes tonight. I have been on lots of steroids and with the pain I have been in, I am wide awake. At 2:30 they finally dosed me with lot of IB proferuen. THey think the cathader is poking my heart or somewhere in there and causing me pain. Its hard to tell whats going on with your guts. I would have never thought I had as much water in my lung as I have, and I honestly would have not imagined any water around my heart. So, I am wide awake getting OBAMAED up.
I called Gen, since she is 3 hours ahead. The IBproferuen helped take the low grade pain to the curb so now I am just up on steroids. I'd have them give me a sleeping pill, but once I realized what was happening to me, it is now the time for everyone to start making their rounds. So I just ordered a small breakfast and maybe that will help me get sleepy.
I am hoping they pull the liquid off my left lung today. Since they keep saying both lungs have about the same amount, and now that I know how much was in the right side. I want the left side tapped so that it can heal quicker. But I don't know the protocol with doing both and the heart within a few days of one another.
I can feel my body besides all this doing better. My blood counts are getting higher and that makes me happy. Soon, this will be a distant memory all you Survivors say. I can't wait. Yesterday I had a few dear friends stop by. Margie, Lea, Sarah, George, and D stopped by after work. They kept me company and helped talk me into a nice sleep. It reminded me of when I first was on AC and Gen was in town taking care of me. I'd have her just talk, and talk she would. She would tell me every story and thought under the sun until I fell asleep.
I'll write more later in the day. Once whatever is going to happen happens. I doubt I will go home today because I still cannot stand up and walk a few steps to the bathroom, use it and walk back, lay down without being in such pain that I need fentanyl. So well see..

Announcement over loud speaker

Announcement over the loud speaker, “ Heather is Done with Chemo.” Finished. Forever, and ever, and ever. I got a call Monday night from my Oncologist around 9:30. Here I must call him out into the middle of the room and name him finally. I have hesitated in doing so, but I don’t necessarily see the harm in it. So, Dr. Henry Kaplan is the kind of guy that calls you at 9:00 pm, because he is still working. Still trying to get back to each and every patient he needs to, and to then once on the phone give them his undivided attention. I have not once felt rushed by him or gotten the sense that he’d rather be doing something else. In fact that is what he said when I guiltily answered the phone so late and I said, “ Wow. You’re still working?” And he said, “I don’t have anything else better to do.” If you think about it, and trust me the past few days I have been waking up at 2 am and then not sleeping anymore so I have had time to think a lot.
But to have nothing better to do than to conduct yourself with as much compassion, intensity, honesty, to be there 100% for each of your clients (he’s one of the top, if not the top Oncologist in this state~which equals lots and lots of patients) is in my book one hell of a way to give back. To give back to planet earth and make it a better place. What a blessing he has been, and will be, until he retires in 12 years.
Anyways, so the long awaited CT scan results. He said, “Having trouble breathing still?” And I went into my litany of complaints about my lungs. He said, “its because you have water in there. You’re done with chemo. Were going to call it quits and be done.” I then went into an elated shock and said stuff like, “forever. Done. Whoohoo!!.” He also said that he wanted to get a Bone Scan before I saw him this week, just to make sure nothing more sinister is happening. I thanked him, and got off the phone.
D and I just looked at each other gave each other high fives, (D hates high fives. But me being a super duper athlete loves them. They are at my core of being. There are times like these that he does them with such verve-well okay, not such verve, but he does them, and they are for me) yes, the high fives, and we spoke of the fact. I AM DONE WITH CHEMO. FOR FUCKING EVER!!! Never again. Done. In complete health.
Well sortof, complete health. I have water in my lungs. Dr. Kaplan said he wanted to see if it’d go away by itself in the next few weeks, if not he’d put me on a diuretic. I didn’t ask, because honestly I’m sick of med’s. But I think the reason he isn’t putting me on it right away is that my body is so taxed that any med just seems to tax whatever organ, in that case I’d think my kidneys. Who know’s. But I am done. And I am not experiencing the end of treatment hyperchondriac syndrome of thinking everything is wrong. There is something wrong with my lungs, and they’ll get better.
He said it’s just a side effect from the chemo, a rarer one, but it seems I’ve had a few of those during all this stuff. I explain it like this to the person that asks, “how is it?” I say, “ Its kind of like they try to see how close they can come to killing you. I guess that’s a good thing. So that it kills all the cancer. “ So kids, its time for recess, we are taking recess early. I guess recess isn’t a good word because there is doom and gloom attached to it for all of us, the foreboding of needing to go back to school after all the fun. And I just want to say now, that I have no intention whatsoever in not one morsel of my cellular being that I intend to go back and do any of this ever again. I am one hundred percent done. So, it’s a big long adult recess.
Earlier in the day on Monday I went and saw Dr. Heffernan my other favorite doctor. I was feeling really sick and like my soul had been sucked from me that day. I am not sure if its my lungs or what, but its simply hard to stand and hard to walk and its not even enough to use the “old” word of hard. Heather since she’s been through this seems to have to throw out my old definitions of what some words meant/mean to me. Hard like, it takes every ounce of me to stand for a few minutes or to walk from my car into a building and stand and wait for an elevator. I find myself bringing myself down into a squatting position and then needing to stand because its more painful to do that because my leg muscles can’t stretch that far anymore. Anyways, I made a joke with the Dr. when he finished sticking a needle in my tear ducts again, “Wow! What a profession. You got to have a lot of confidence to stick a needle in someone’s eye. Sure does take away any nausea by doing that.” Its true. My body goes into such a state of freak out that all systems are on hyper alter and buzzing with adrenaline. I HATE the procedure. He said he didn’t want to see me for a month, and that it looked like I was on track for 100% recovery!
So that was Monday. Phew. In that day, D and I moved all our stuff or should I say I pointed to have all our stuff packed up and then either moved into the moving truck or brought next door to our new 750 SQFT home. I love living in here. The 3400 SQFt home we’ve been in for us was ridiculous. Now, its simple. We have just what we need, nothing more (seriously) and I am happy as a peach!! Thrilled. The kitchen is just right behind me (I’m on the coach) and every other room is just a few steps here or there.
Today, well yesterday, I am writing this at 3 AM, was jammed packed with realty stuff. I got a new condo listing this week and it came on the market yesterday and there is always a long list of things to do. I even cleaned his carpets for him myself! I couldn’t sleep Monday night at all, and one of the reason’s was Dr. Kaplan’s whole, “you need to get a bone scan thing.” I should have known that if something questionable came up on the CT scan he would have said that to me. He didn’t. But I still had to call the office today, I mean yesterday, and ask them to ask him this. Because I was freaking out. I haven’t had a Bone scan yet, and frankly don’t want to. I am still recovering from the CT scan. The disgusting glow stick solution they make you drink is horrible. For the bone scan I have to go a whole two hours ahead of time and drink some god awful concoction and then wait an hour and a half so that I am totally glowing. Yippee. I have the TV on, just for sound and there are infomercials on one after the other.
So I am done with chemo. That means on my birthday, January 13th I get to have sushi. Lots and lots and lots and lots and lots of sushi. My onc. said I had to wait two weeks until I eat it after my last chemo. It will be almost 14 days, 13…close enough! He said it is okay I took myself off those horrible antibiotics for my disgusting nails. I just have to say, that the whole stinky rotting nail thing is the most disgusting thing I’ve gone through thus far. They are horrible!!

15 down, 1 to GO

Today was another wonderful day. I jammed as much as I could in a few hours before I had to go to chemo. I wasn't looking forward to it at all, knowing full well that I will be ill for the next few days. The degree of illness is always a new adventure with each chemo. Last chemo, though I had three wonderful days, I was really really sick right after my session. Lets cross our fingers. The other thing that is never constant, and has no rhyme or reason are my blood counts. My friend Tamara asked me what does it mean to have low counts? Her question made me realize that I may not have explained this. Before each session I have to have my port accessed and they stick a huge freakin' needle into the middle of the port, which doesn't hurt at all. Once they've done that they draw blood and check for my White Blood Cell, Platletts,and another one. I forget right now. So far, all my cancellations have been due to my WBC's being too low. Although for the past month my Plateletts have been very low. Today they were really low, but not low enough to cancel.
Anyhoo, so the blood counts are off of that test. Today for some reason they were 4,800 which is good for right now. Last week they were 3,600. A normal person not going through chemo is around 7-10,000. When they cancel my sessions my counts have been in the low 2,000's.
So, I am done with chemo number 15, and only have one left. I am so excited. I have officially gained 29 pounds. I just stood on the scale, in sheer disbelief. It really did take me a few seconds for me to realize that that was right. I stood there getting my numbers wrong. I just can't believe it. I have been eating super good the past month, and not super good in a bad way. Super good in a egg and toast for breakfast, a sandwhich with a fruit for lunch, bake potato and veggie for dinner. Maybe some chicken, on a few days. But that's it. It must be tons of extra water in my body right now.
I haven't said this because I have been hoping and am still hoping that its just some weird infection that isn't causing phlegm in my lungs. But for exactly a month, when I lay on my side my lungs hurt. And I mean hurt. They hurt so bad that I have to cough and cough. It happens when I sleep, but mostly when I wake up in the morning. All the usual sicky things are not happening to me. Today, after four weeks of me telling my Onc this, and me not coming up with a cold, he ordered me to have a CT scan of my upper chest and abdomen. Last night they hurt so bad (I'm a side sleeper) that it woke me up over and over. He thinks its very strange and says that its almost zero percent that I'd develop cancer in my lungs while I am getting such high doses of chemo. Nevertheless, its a scary thing that is happening and on friday I am getting the scan. We'll see what's going on and at least I can sleep with painful lungs knowing that there isn't anything in there that is hurting them. Maybe its just a strange side effect from the chemo, or the sheer weight of 30 new pounds squishing my little lungs. Which seems to be the culprit, I bet!

Chemo Today

I had my chemo appointment early today and because of this I got to see many new faces. There were two young girls around my age. One older, and one younger. I wanted to walk up to them and ask, " What kind of cancer do you have?" And ask them about their story. I usually do this if I am by myself. But D was with me and so I didn't. The other reason I didn't is that I couldn't stop crying in there. It started when they were putting in my port. I was so overwhelmed with sadness for everyone in there today. I was sad for them that they were going through this and that we were all in there doing this on Christmas eve instead of out doing Christmassy things. LIke baking cookies, or simple merriment with family. D said he too was feeling really sad in there today.
This is the first chemo that once I was done with my treatment I could barely walk out of exhaustion to the car. Luckily D parked directly outside the Swedish Cancer Institute and so I was okay to walk to the truck.
But once I got home at one, I fell asleep. This sleep was an intensely deep barely could move a bone sleep. I just woke up, three hours later and feel good. When I was in getting my port the nurse in there looked at my fingernail that was coming off. As I was showing it to her, I squeezed it a bit and tons of puss came out from under the nail bed. My doc said just to soak my fingernails, all ten of them in epson salts twice a day for ten minutes. I am going to give it a whirl. At the present moment it doesn't hurt really at all, which i am very thankful for.
I think I feel good enough to try to make a desert for Christmas right now. But then again, I haven't stood up. Well see. I am so exhausted its hard to get excited that I only have two more left, but trust me, I am thrilled!!
Merry Christmas you guys. May this holiday great you with a kind and gentle kiss and hug from a healing wind, may your spirits feel the true spirit of giving and the healing that this act gives your heart, may with this returning of light fill your mind with the fact that all things change and are cyclical and may it remind us all that we are stronger than we ever knew possible, and lastly may you walk tall with the knowing that if you are battling something in life that you are the miracle and the light of the New year where every possibility resides. Blessings.

Another one bites the dust..

Yesterday, is now behind me. Chemotherapy number 11. I have actually done eleven chemotherapies. To get through this I just have had to keep my head down and go. Move. Don't think to much, little one. Just do it. Just get your port put in. Don't think, feel a bit, and move forward. Yesterday, I let myself think about the monstrosity of chemo and what I have actually gone through. All the stuff. The IVF stuff, all the injections I had to give myself, all the emotions of coming to grips with possibly not getting to have my own kids someday, all the tests, the hair cuts, the hair falling out, the sleepless nights, the not feeling good, the losing and tearing away of the veils of my former life, on and on the list goes. I let myself think about my these feets yesterday. I have actually allowed myself to receive eleven chemo's so far. Incredilbe. There are tears running down my face right now.
Yep, I have only five more and I can't wait. I am a little scared of all the tears that will start percolating in early March, when I am all done, and am safe to REALLY start processing. You know, when you go traveling to a third world place and you are suddenly able to live and do things that you in your first world mentalities would never allow yourself to come in contact with, and you can fully function and love life in this new way. I've always wondered how I was able to live with the people in West Africa for as long as I did. And I loved every moment of it. Having cancer is sortof like this. I for some reason, am able to transcend my old way of being, (although its just in reach, whenever I am ready to go back to it) and do and go through things that I once didn't know I could go through. We are all like this. We are so much more than we ever really know.
I had relatives this past winter tell me and D that they didn't think I could handle being on Survivor. It was such a funny statement to me when they said this. First of all, it was clear they didn't know who I was very well, and secondly to think that a human spirit isn't able to transcend was such a foreign concept to me. This is what WE do. This IS life. And WE all do it, daily. Maybe not Cancer level, or Survivor level, or Africa level, but we do it. Its how we survive what we call life. Its our opportunity to grow spiritually.
So, here I am unable to sleep and thinking about what I've done so far. I told my Onc yesterday that if there are any microscopic cancer cells that have not been killed, and rear their heads on a MRI in a couple years (it takes sometimes, a few years to grow large enough to be detected) that i wasn't sure if I'd go through this again. He said, that right about now this is how everyone feels. I have been, not out of morbidity, but out of the very real fact that it could happen, thinking about my action plan if it does come back. I told my Onc that I was thinking a nice beach in Costa Rica would be a good way to go, instead of poisoning myself in my last days in hopes that something works.
He told me, that he's giving me the most powerful chemo drugs he can this time, in hopes that that doens't happen. The brite side, is if it does come back, he'd give me lessor powerful drugs to see if that would do the trick. And in a couple years, the medicine will have new innovative treatments. He told me its common to go through this. Which leads me to thinking about how vulnerable I will feel when this is all done.
As it is right now, each day I have to stop myself from doing breast exams. I keep thinking I feel lumps, and panicking. D, reminds me that my Onc, "the best guy in the state to do a breast exam, Heather" just did one last week and you are OKAY. Right. I am okay. Sure. Sure. Its so unsettling. I already know that I am going to NEED a few support groups and I can't wait to start turning this blog, into a book. This process is really going to help my process.re

Few I'm so hot..

These hot flashes are intense. I sleep with a thin sheet on. If the sheet goes above my shoulders for some reason it triggers a hot flash and then they all come off. Same with clothing. I wear tank tops under everything right now, so if I get too hot I just take the top layer off. My head gets sweaty all the time. It is amazing but when you have hair on your head you have no idea what your little scalp goes through in a day. I have gotten very intimate with the chemistry of my scalp!! My nose and throat symptoms came back this week, and am not sure if these are precursors to low blood counts. But I won't be surprised if my Onc says no to chemo today.
Yesterday was my first big day of real estate since I was diagnosed. I now have the energy and the full spirit to go gangbusters again with bells on. I am and have always been a firm believer that you must be passionate about what you do and love what you do . If you don't then its not worth it. And I love what I do again, so I had a great time yesterday.
Will keep you posted on whether or not I get to do chemo today. I hope so, because then I will only have 8 more weeks left!!

Pumkin pies and Fall

Fall is my favorite season by far. The past few days my friend Gen has been here from Toronto. Its been great having a friend around to make pies with and take really long walks with. But mainly just to talk. When I lived on Vashon I used to make pies almost everyday. There was a year there that I was learning how to make crusts and I'd make a pie a day and give it away. There are just so many pies you can personally eat without gaining weight. Gen's been making a lot of pies lately and she definetly has mastered the art of a pie crust. Flaky, moist, buttery...mmmm good. We took about a 5 or 6 mile walk and I felt awesome. That walk was Tuesday. My sore throat and nose are almost healed.

Yesterday she came with me to chemo, and gave D a break. My counts had almost doubled and so I now to get to that I have nine, count that 9 more chemo's left. I can't wait to be done. I am looking forward to the rains and taking have an excuse of weather to take life easy and eat lots of soup. It will be a good feeling to be done with my treatments at the beginning of Spring when things start to grow. I wonder if the frogs will start their chorus of songs on Vashon in unison with my celebrations of being done with all this.

I am feeling good today so far. I just can't sleep because of those darn steroids.

Chemo Guns

I am glad that now, a few hours ago, yesterday is over. Yesterday sucked. I hit a wall and really was done with doing chemo. I didn't/don't want to do it anymore and after a little BBQ last night D and I took a walk around the block. I told him that I really didn't want to do it anymore. I just want to stop doing chemo. I feel like its killing me and killing my spirit, and killing any future I may have. I told him that this wasn't worth "hoping" albeit that hope is an 85% chance, of being cured. I told him, that I am past it now, but these were the very real thoughts I had grappled with all day. Maybe I could/can cure myself in some alternative way.

Don't worry, this was just a passing thought. A passing thought that consumed all of yesterday but it passed. I am going to stick to the chemo guns and hopefully I will get through this. Hopefully my kidneys, my heart, my freakin' mind, my little veins, my blood, my liver, my stomach, hopefully we all get through this unmarked. But doing chemo is horrible. There is absolutely nothing nice or enjoyable about it. And I am not going to lie so that anyone feels okay reading this, or so that you don't feel uncomfortable. I am totally freaked out and feel horrible. When I run into people the past few days, that is what I say. I am not going to try to be anyone's chemo hero and act like its a breeze, because it isn't.

So, its 2:30ish in the morning, I can't sleep because I am full of anxiety and the anxiety woke me up. As I slept, I started thinking about Clinton's speech last night and our future as Americans. This lead to my future and before I knew it there was no way I could lay in bed any longer because I was full of butterfly's. The mind I used to have is long gone. I used to have great control over it but now its a wild caboose heading down a mountain. It gets off track so very easily and I understand more how my Nana used to wake up in the middle of the night worrying about us kids. My mind has developed into an entity all its own and the drugs I am on doesn't really help. I know, mediation would help and I probably should give it a try. But honestly, just doing a bit of yoga a day is huge for me. I don't want to quiet myself and relax into my body. I am so sickened and saddened by what I am doing to my poor body, that I don't want to get "closer" to these facts. I would like to just try to numb my way through this.

What if I am doing irreversible damage to myself? Is all this really worth it then? How many more years will I really get to live because I've done this chemo shit? These are questions that hang out in my mind and in my quiet bones that woke me this morning. I have to have faith in the chemo gods and hope that this is worth it. Otherwise I will talk myself out of doing it. What also helps me is remembering that little kids go through this and they make it, and so can I.

Tears on the Pillow

Last night I cried myself to sleep. I am already tired of being sick. The doc's say that this cellulitis thing isn't common. Hopefully from now on, its a smoother ride. I have been on antibiotics since July 24th. That is upsetting to me, I still have six days of them. I am sick of being in pain. Last night I woke up at four a.m. with my hand pounding, and should have taken a vicodin but I am scared of them, and just took Advil. I am getting sick of taking Advil all day everyday. Sick because I know how bad they are on my little body. Then I start thinking about everything else that I am doing to my body right now and all I can do is cry. I want my old healthy lifestyle back.
I have to remember what my Dad said in the beginning when I told him I didn't want to do chemo, "The alternative sucks." Yes, death would suck, but who really, really knows that that isn't my fate. We all want me to live because of the little hummingbird that I am, but really, who knows. That makes me cry.
Life is so precious. Time is precious. Its hard to go through this as a married woman. My life is coupled with someone that is healthy and hasn't, due to our young age, had to endure death or facing death before. I lost my mom, and in a way this helps me. But D hasn't. He has no clue how I am feeling. He only, and for his sanity he just sees this as a passing thing. He is making his life normal. He is even going to record his album in the middle of me doing chemo. He has to keep his life the way it is. So, when I was saying "we" have cancer, he isn't taking that on. So in a way, I am pretty lonely through this. Its hard. For those of you that haven't gone through this sortof experience you probably don't understand what I am saying.
I am just really sad the past couple of days. I still don't know if I am going to do chemo on Monday. I hope so I just want to do it and get it over with. I was hoping to be done with everything by the New Year, but it doesn't look like it.

Simple Things

I didn't sleep again last night. I am full of anxiety and worries. This is getting annoying. I am a big sleeper. Like big, in that if I don't get at least 8-10 hours of sleep, now this was pre-cancer, I would get flu like symptoms. This has been how my body has been my entire life. Now, I get about 3-6 hours of sleep. Last night, I fell asleep around 11 and woke up at 4. I just didn't feel good. Hard to explain other than my body didn't feel right. I went downstairs and just sat looking at my newly remodeled kitchen and just sat and looked at how beautiful it is. I got bored doing that after a half hour or so, so I started cleaning. I mopped all the floors in the house and ate two bowels of yogurt. I fell back to sleep for a few hours and woke up feeling great.
D reminded me this morning that for the past three days, I've said, "I finally feel back to normal." I tried explaining, but soon realized that I am simply up against my competitive nature. I'll explain in a bit.
So, I woke up and went grocery shopping. Yippee! Fun, fun, fun. Its is the small things in life that make me happy now. I mean, I can drive, and feel like I will get there safely now! That is a big accomplishment. I drove to get our mail, and went to PCC. I had our 2 ten gallon jugs of H2O to fill. By the time I wove that cart around through the aisles with those jugs full, I could barely walk out to the car. Normally I would be embaressed that I had to ask for help, but today I simply didn't care. They got me out of there, and I could barely walk up the stairs. We have a lot of them. I can't wait till the garage is all done, and then I can just park in the back and walk right into the house. Anyways, so I layed in bed resting for about an hour and just went downstairs and made lunch for D and I. I feel a bit lucid and a bit foggy, but I put on my shoes to mow the lawn next door. I am very independent and because of this it was hard to listen to D. But he nicely put his foot down and said that he wasn't going to let me do that. Damn it! I reluctantly agreed with him that I keep getting bouts of energy and then I do something that wipes me out. He asked me to take one more day to just lay around and watch TV. Okay, so I am in bed now watching Ellen Degenres, and laughing. I am going to wait another day to start doing massages.

Quick before I change!

I am wide awake. Full of various chemo anxietities and a new burning sensation, heart burn! I thought I'd write know, just in case in the morning I feel like crap again. I think I feel like Heather, at least I do right now. The waves are intense. The pain is horrible. I am not wanting to mince words and i am sure you're all glad I am not. It hurts down to my core. Last night I asked G, if she could feel me shaking. She wrapped her arms around my stomach and said, No. But then I placed her hands on my leg and then she could feel it. It is like the booster shot, is taking grab of my femur, tibia, and ulna bones and just shaking them. The shake goes up into my stomach were it circles around my sacrum and radiates out and around my hip bones. Incredible uncomfortable. For the Julie, that commented the other day, child birth is a breeze after chemo, thank you for saying that. I can, and will get through this.
Yesterday, I had a bit of a cry with G and D outside, on our new beautiful patio. I just cried and cried. Not so much Why me? But How Me? What could I have done differently? Why not a coach potatoe? Why not, okay, yes, there was some Why Me, mixed in there. I just don't want to be spending my summer doing this. Treatment for six months, it is so wrong. Soooo, I cried, they listened, and they pulled me out of the mud and gave me a pep talk, both of them. One would let me get down, the other would pick me up, and then they would change. Tomorrow D, is heading up north to get all of our staging furniture for the house. His Dad, Roger and brother Kale will help him move all the stuff down here, and then spend the day setting up the house! Thanks you guys!! We wouldn't be able to have gotten this all together if it wasn't for you.
I will have two babysitters. I cannot be left alone yet. My day yesterday, but mainly my brain is simply not working. Or at least it wasn't about 3 hours ago. Now, 1 am, here you are and my brain is working and there is a hunger that is unquenchable. The steroids they give you for anti-nausea are, "Eat NOW!! You ARE HUNGRY!! ORR...Your Going TO VOMIT." So, I eat. Usually the egg and toast, with Wildwood Aioli sauce, but right now I am sipping on some very bland, delicious I might ad, veggie soup. All the veggies are from my friend Dave's Organic farm, in Eugene. The difference between fresh produce and store bought is huge!!
So, in a few hours my friend, Maryam from work, is coming over to watch me in the morning, as G has to leave back to Toronto. And then my other Tamara, is coming from 12-5. Then my old time friend Ann Leda an Acupuncturist is making a house call to me to give me a very needed treatment. The other day, my also very old friend Lyn Solander, gave me a massage I think the day before Chemo. It is all a blur now, as I am a wreck. A very tired wreck. If I go back into bed, I will just lay there, tossing and turning and THINKING! This sucks. Off to check email. Read the paper. Who knows. Hopefully I'll be a easy baby to watch tomorrow guys. I am not getting that much sleep, about three hours worth. Maybe I'll just sleep right through.

Today is a Oozy

I didn't sleep well last night at all. i was so anxious about little things. I do not have the mind control I once had of being able to let go of things right now. The chemo has just taken over my mind. I worry about our move upstairs and I worry about nonsensical things like a bad dream about my friend Gen and I just can't sleep. That is what one of the chemo drugs is for. I took it twice last night, at the intervalled times I could. I woke up feeling pretty bad and gen and I tried to walk to the beach but I didn't make it back up the hill without calling D to get us. I kept walking into branches and scratching my face because I can't see that well right now. I called it my Pheriphreal Village on accident. The typos are driving me crazy, sorry. I just don't have the energy or brain power right now to fix them. I have been in bed basically all day now since the walk. It took too much out of me. The only thing that sounds good to me to eat is a fried egg on top of a toasted piece of bread. MMmmm... Delicious. G keeps making me smoothies and ginger tea. We are going to watch Nacho Libre a little later today, so that we can laugh a little. That movie still gets to me

A perfect summer day

One of my all time favorite movies is on right now, Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. I couldn't sleep last night. The fact that I can't sleep anymore is so foreign to me. I could go to sleep at 9 or even 8 in the evening and wake up at 6 or 7 the next day, everyday of my life. I have never ever had trouble sleeping. I also never used to not be able to control my mind. Last night was one of those nights. I literally was loosing my mind over everything. I called my friend Gen close to 1 a.m. I knew she'd answer her phone and I also knew she could calm me down. I am anxious about starting chemo. I feel so much pressure to not have any side effects. When I first got diagnosed so many people said they knew people that it didn't effect them at all. At that time, I didn't realize there were different kinds of chemo and different treatments. Now that I have walked in the cancer shoes for almost 7 weeks now, I would say that 90 % of the women I have talked with that did AC got pretty darn sick. I am really nervous about this. I could breeze through this and just need to sleep a lot, or worst case scenario I would be staying in the hospital.
The vast experiences do not bring comfort to me. Sure, those that say attitude made it be a positive experience for them, are also the ones that breezed through it. Is that again just a coping mechanism we have? Attitude doesn't change much, other than I can smile as I go through everything. My mom taught me this as I watched her journey for close to nine years after she had her stroke. My aunts and my siblings, we would choose to laugh with my mom, or we would cry. So, sure, attitude does make things better. The other thing I have found so confusing is that EVERYONE that mentions (usually those of you that do not have cancer) that they have spoke to people that went through chemo #5 was the worst, or #1 was the worst, or #? whatever. You get the idea. What this shows me is that it is my body's chemistry that is going to present to ME, MY process through this. MY body's ability to cope with the chemo and radiation is unknown to everyone, including my Oncologist. He more than anyone, and D is a close second, is just saying we'll have to see. So, last night I couldn't sleep. This whole process is teaching me so much, and one of those lessons is simply not being able to plan. I mean, how could you plan for something like this? Either I just sleep a lot, or I could be walking on the 12th floor of Swedish hospital a few weeks a month. There are too many possibilites. There is one thing for certain, next week at this time we all will know!
On a very fun note, today D and I went out on our friends Todd and Kim's boat. We got lots of sun and I got to have one more summer day before this all starts!

Day of Surgery

I am laying in bed typing.  I just gave myself my second fertility shot.  I am trying to not think about the bubbles I saw that I didn't get out of the needle.  I tried to, clicked the needle and then pushed the blunger thing up to make a little drop, or two.  But as I started injecting it I saw bubbles.  I was afraid I'd waste more medicine so I didn't do the whole bubble drop thing again.   Yesterday I got a little sick from the shot, 45 min. after the shot.  Within an hour I felt okay and normal again.  

I woke myself up screaming, "NO," last night.  My heart was racing and I was afraid someone was going to inject me with more medicine.  I really don't have much to say this morning.  I am not as ready for my Lumpectomy as I had hoped.  Although, I am not sure if you're ever ready for surgery.  I don't know how typing will be.  I might as my friend Gen to type for me for a while.  I wonder if I'll be able to extend my right arm enough to even type.  We'll well see.  I am going to go wake up my mother in law.