Good and Bad News

First of all, I am going to say that my Onc told me and my Cardiologists told me it was totally fine to start exercising. Okay.
I ran Monday, ran Tuesday, and felt awesome, during and afterwards. Well, Tuesday night I woke up with a pain in my chest on the left side. Not just sort of pain, but excruciating pain. I couldn't sleep on either side because of this pain. The pain was/is totally different than lat time, in that its super painful. Last time, it gradually was painful. So, I woke up Wednesday didn't excercise and ended up calling my Onc in the late afternoon because I could hardly breathe. He wanted me to go to the ER and I wouldn't go. Last time it was such a horrible experience, in that you check in talk to a doc that has no idea whats actually going on, and its a run around. So, I didn't go. I called and spoke with my cardiologist twice in the evening and was assured that I was probably going to be fine.
I couldn't sleep well at all last night because the pain has only gotten worse. This morning after my rad, I got a chest X-ray and an Eccho again. The good news, my heart is awesome. The bad news, I have a moderate level of fluid in both my lungs again. I really don't think this is caused by me running, as if you remember a few weeks back I noticed the swelling came back in my ankles, which is a symptom of all this crap. I am over it!
I do not want to take predisone anymore. I am sick of steroids. I want to be get back to my slim and FIT body. I want to be pretty again. I am just so sick of the weight. Please don't write and say I will be soon enough, I know I will. I just am sick of it. SICK OF IT!! I was really excited to start exercising like a freak and get back into health.
I am not supposed to know any of this as I saw it on the Eccho, but am waiting to hear back from a DR who is allowed to tell me the info. I've had the eccho done enough now, that I can see fluid.

fentanyl

Well...MY TUBE IS OUT OF MY HEART NOW!! Yippee! The cardiologist just came by and though I got 75 CC's off the heart the past day, he was nervous about keeping in the tube because of infection. So, he pulled it out. The ultrasound showed no fluid around my heart and so he felt confident with this decision. I am thrilled. I have just gotten better and better today. And the funny thing is is that everyone the past day have remarked that my hair has gotten longer. I love that I get to be vain again soon. I can just feel its around the corner. I had a dream the other day of putting on mascara! I just got hopefully my last life dose of fentanyl for the procedure just now. I still don't know what my Onc's decision is going to be with pulling the fluid off my lung. I am going to ask him to do it because I much rather be forced to lay in here and get better faster for the next few days then go home and slowly get better. It is really hard and nearly impossible for me to not "do" things around the house. When grocery shopping is too much of a strain, ect. My friend Keiko is flying from SF on thursday to be with me over the weekend. I am looking forward to having the help and love around. I've known her for years and she is so much fun. The kind of fun I have had to forget about and put away under the rug. But soon, when the frogs are ribbeting on Vashon I will be pulling that rug back, and throwing it into a bomb fire on the beach, and beginning my new life.

Upside to technology

Wow! Swedish rocks! That's Swedish hospital for those of you that are out of towners. I just picked up the phone and ordered a huge meal. All I've eaten today was an egg on toast (of coarse.haha) and then I went to do the Bone scan. Which turned up AWESOME!!! Of coarse!! But back to the meal. So I went right after that to see my Onc and he was not so happy about what was happening. He said when I asked him how often this happens, and he said, "once in a career." So I am pretty sad about this. I have a considerable amount of water around my heart. So, they wheeled me on over to the main hospital and I sat here in my scrubbies and had tons of tests, and watched the clock click...for six hours before I saw the Cardiologist. I was begging for food. And finally I was given the okay.

It seems that when I first started talking to the cardiologist he wanted to do the tap right away, tonight he said. But then I asked if I'd be knocked out, and what the procedure is. He said no, i'd be awake, given a mild sedative so perhaps I wouldn't remember it. But I would need to lean forward so they could stick my lining of my heart sack with this needle and aspirate it. Well, from the look of horror I think he started back paddling and soon he story changed to just giving me an anti-inflammatory drug for a week and seeing how I respond. What it seems to me, is that what he said is that there is no way to find out if this is from a viral infection, if its from the taxotere, and then the other that my Onc has ruled out from cancer. So, its possible to find out by testing the fluid they pull out of its viral, but also this might not be able to come to a conclusion.

I'd rather not do the needle thing. It sounds traumatic.

So I just ate this huge meal, and then the nurse came in and said, "eat some more." I guess the med's their about to give me can mess up my stomach. So they want lots of food in there like you would IBproferan. I am going to sleep here tonight and wait for my Onc to get me out of here tomorrow morning.
Luckily D brought me my computer. He doesn't like hospitals at all, and was pretty squirmish until he left. I have become immune to this whole thing.

I feel sad and shocked and overwhelmed about this whole thing though. I almost start to cry and then I don't. Our house closed today in the midst of all this. I have been pretty stressed out with it. The buyers lender was a nightmare and so it was not a smooth closing.

So, I guess I get to go home and if I have any sudden light headedness, more pain in my chest, ect..then I am to call him again. I want to get out of here. The smells and cleaners remind me of getting chemo and make me sick.
I am off to watch TV and listen to my roomate snore. I wish this wasn't true, but I like hospital food. I know its gross. But I do love it

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I just read this and I know it is all over the place and may not make sense. Its just how I feel right now.