Chemo Today

I had my chemo appointment early today and because of this I got to see many new faces. There were two young girls around my age. One older, and one younger. I wanted to walk up to them and ask, " What kind of cancer do you have?" And ask them about their story. I usually do this if I am by myself. But D was with me and so I didn't. The other reason I didn't is that I couldn't stop crying in there. It started when they were putting in my port. I was so overwhelmed with sadness for everyone in there today. I was sad for them that they were going through this and that we were all in there doing this on Christmas eve instead of out doing Christmassy things. LIke baking cookies, or simple merriment with family. D said he too was feeling really sad in there today.
This is the first chemo that once I was done with my treatment I could barely walk out of exhaustion to the car. Luckily D parked directly outside the Swedish Cancer Institute and so I was okay to walk to the truck.
But once I got home at one, I fell asleep. This sleep was an intensely deep barely could move a bone sleep. I just woke up, three hours later and feel good. When I was in getting my port the nurse in there looked at my fingernail that was coming off. As I was showing it to her, I squeezed it a bit and tons of puss came out from under the nail bed. My doc said just to soak my fingernails, all ten of them in epson salts twice a day for ten minutes. I am going to give it a whirl. At the present moment it doesn't hurt really at all, which i am very thankful for.
I think I feel good enough to try to make a desert for Christmas right now. But then again, I haven't stood up. Well see. I am so exhausted its hard to get excited that I only have two more left, but trust me, I am thrilled!!
Merry Christmas you guys. May this holiday great you with a kind and gentle kiss and hug from a healing wind, may your spirits feel the true spirit of giving and the healing that this act gives your heart, may with this returning of light fill your mind with the fact that all things change and are cyclical and may it remind us all that we are stronger than we ever knew possible, and lastly may you walk tall with the knowing that if you are battling something in life that you are the miracle and the light of the New year where every possibility resides. Blessings.

Bed Sores?

I have been laying in bed so much that I have a few little bed sores developing on my rump. I need to do a little more laying on my side I think. Seattle is getting hit hard with snow. This is the tenth snow day, and its still coming down. I have been feeling really good the past few days, but not good enough to try to go out in the snow. A really sweet neighbor dropped off a couple really cool hats yesterday. I can't wait to go outside and use them. I just made a yummy veggie curry and coconut dish, its so good. D and I have decided to forgo any Christmas celebrating this year. His mom isn't coming now because of the roads and I'd love to go down to Seaside to be with my family but the roads are too bad, and I'll be too sick as the Christmas Eve is my next chemo. I was going to make a traditional Norwegian christmas dinner (D's half Norwegian) but its just too much this year. He doesn't want to help cook, so I'm not going to knock myself out. I'm not even going to make cookies.
Each year I make cookies for about two weeks, and I give them away to everyone. But not this year. I feel badly for all the people that are stuck in all the airports because of the crazy weather we have. My Dad said that Seaside got nine inches of snow the past few days. I have never seen that much snow on the coast. That's insane!!

Heart Racing Morning

One of my all time favorite things in life is to hear the VERY early morning birds chirp.  Oh, that little brat in me that LOVES to wake people up, just feels like a kid at christmas every single morning I hear those sweet little chirps.  I am up before them this morning.  I couldn't sleep, so I found myself inch my way over to D, like a babe trying to find its mom.  I needed to be touched, even if he is sound asleep and all I could have contact with was his foot.  I wanted to wake him up, and open all the christmas presents, to get him up with me and talk, (I'm laughing) but I won't.  If my younger sister Wendy was here, she'd be up for sure.  Not that I disrespect her less, I just love and I know she finds delight (laughing, delight, yeah sure!)  in my early morning wakings.  Delight, uh wiendel??  It doesn't matter,  I will anyways, I am your older sister : )  

But this is way too early.  I just can't freakin' sleep.  My heart is going to jump out of my chest with all the anxieties of having Breast Cancer.  You know, now that I have my business cards, my I am going to kick this thing and so I need to make it a business.  A business of Kicking Ass, it helps to legitimize it for me.  Thanks again D, for telling me I needed to get some made.  Anyways, anyone at anytime throughout my day, I just tell them, "I just got diagnosed with breast cancer."  I tell the bank teller, I tell the hardware clerks, I tell everyone.  I want everyone to know, that I GOT IT.  That they CAN GET IT, and women need to check their breasts.  It also helps me to just tell someone.  Everyone.  Pass it on.  So I hand them a card, with this blog address on it.

This would be the one time in my small town self, that I don't care if everyone gossips about me.  Let everyone be shocked.  Maybe the shock will remind them to check their breasts or remind those men to tell their wives to check their breasts more often.  

Yesterday was a fun day.  Sometimes in life, we just don't know why our heart tells us to do things but we all know that if you follow your heart it is always the right thing.  Almost 10 years ago (is this when that little ittzy bittzy cell went haywire), I dated a guy for a year whose mom had breast cancer that had come back for a second time.   She went through her treatment the year we dated, this all makes more sense to me know.  I think one of the reasons Spirit had me date him,  so that she would be one of my rocks through this.  I was in her life just enough that there is a comfortableness around her that my heart during this rough time can find solace and trust whatever she is telling me.  Yesterday I met up with her finally and we took a walk around Greenlake.  

She showed me her port, since she's a little stats monger, she told me that she is 1 of 2 women in America that our Oncologist knows of, that has had their ports in this long to have the continued Herceptin treatments, for nine years.  She is almost 74, and as active as could be, she had a faster stride then myself around that lake.  She told me that I will not need, I am going to say this again, I will NOT NEED to get a bone marrow transplant.  See, what happens with this whole being a newbie at Breast Cancer is if someone mentions to me, "Will you need a Bone Marrow Transplant?"  I get freaked out.  People are trying to help because they are scared for me.  But in reality, in me trying to stay present, I have just been ripped from that place and now start worrying about that.  

Luckily, she said I won't.  I was starting to worry that my whole body was going to be almost killed off from this chemo.  Like if my skin was just going to start peeling off from my bones.  Note to all, please don't ask "Future" questions.  You'll know if I need to get some horrid thing done, as I will "tell" you.  Okie Dokie??  

The count down is on for surgery.  There is a part of me that doesn't want this tumor gone. How do I explain this?  It's kind of part of me.  Hell, I made it.  It's some weird thing.  Did I tell you guys yet that the first week and my first Oncology appointment I tried convincing D and my Doc that I could handle being awake for my surgery and that I wanted to watch them take it out ( am I a control freak or what).  I don't want to miss seeing it.  I had my appendix taken out, and I still wish I could've seen that.  Like a tooth that had fallen out and swallowed before you realize, its just gone.  I told the Doc, I've dissected bodies before (in a cadaver class, don't worry I am not a serial killer) I can handle it!!  

My surgeon was glad that I have decided to not be awake.  He said, "It just doesn't happen."  But I am not the first that has wanted that they both said.  So, I have to remember, in fact on D's little iphone, I had him put a note on surgery day to bring the digital camera!  Oh, that kid on Christmas morning is jumping up and down inside me again.  Do you know what that means?  Some great pic's are soon to come!