I have always been a high energy girl! Like those of you know that have read this blog from the get-go, I never crawled and at 7 months I just got up and started running, and screaming of coarse! I'm still really vocal, and still full of energy. But not like the past few months. I'm not sleeping very well at all. I toss and turn and finally get out of bed in the middle of the morning. Thank God for my new addiction, FaceBook. I would described myself, and did to my Onc the other day as maniacally enjoying life. He said, " how about taking sleeping pills a few nights a week." I balked at that idea, but honestly its starting to sound appealing. I told him that I am taking 1/2 a one every few weeks just to get one night of solid sleep. He said he doesn't think I can keep going at the pace that I am, without sleep. That makes sense. No one could go for very long, even if they were a coach potato with the amount of sleep I am getting.
What wakes me is my little hummingbird just whirling inside of my chest and I find myself wanting to jump up and down on my bed with sheer delight! YOU GUYS!! I AM BACK, AND I'M FEELING AWESOME!!! This is possibly one of the most exciting times in my life. When I was married, I shut out all but a select few of my girl friends, and this summer being as my friend Emily always sings to me over the years when I am single, "free and single, she likes to mingle, she lovveess the part-y liiiffeee." Its true. Cancer, forced me to open my heart to all of my friends again, and now that i am all done, and single, they are all still rallied around me and I don't have a spare moment without one of them loving me up! So I get to love back, and be loved, and I couldn't be happier.
I find myself driving down the road and I start crying (a manic sign....who knows-maybe its a coming to life sign) because I am simply exploding with love.
I have not called (because I've been having too much fun) Dr. K's office to get my tumor marker numbers. They are of coarse good, other wise he would've called me. I have it in my to do on Monday, so that I can keep track of my numbers.
I told Dr. K that he should not refer anymore patients to the dip whit cardiologists I had been seeing. I told him my new one rocked, he agreed. He asked my what about her I liked, and I made him laugh out loud when I said, " You know, all the cardio's I had seen were just guessing, and telling me they were guessing. With her, even if she didn't know what to do, and even if she is guessing, she didn't tell me that. She allowed me to feel safe, and that I was in competent hands."
Which leads me into the thought I've (one of many-one reason I don't sleep) been having. There was a study done years ago, with children with cancer. The study did a visualization with the kids while they were getting their chemo that Pack-men were eating up their cancer. And then every night their parents would lead them through the same visualization. The kids that had this done, survived 50% more than the other kids.
Which made me think about how dip-whit cardio, who will not be mentioned kept telling me he had no idea how to treat me, and "this is where art and medicine come together", and a slew of ridiculous stuff. He freaked me out. He made me not be able to trust my body. I tried really hard. But honestly I felt like I was a walking time bomb.
Visualization is an awesome thing. And I just live my life like that. I always have. I think it started with sports. The night before a game, I'd visualize me playing, ect..It works. It does. Its time for me to start having faith in something again. This is kind of one of the hardest things for me right now. I am a deeply spiritual person. But this foundation of mine got shattered. I still believe everything I did, before cancer. But now, I also see that possibly all the faith and visualization in the world, still doesn't change one's Karmic path, or ones whatever. However, we as humans use words to make it okay to go through tough times.
The other hard thing is vanity. It was NOT hard losing my hair. When I did, I was in the beginning of a race, and I knew what was a head. I knew I had to let go of everything. But now, that I am done. Now, that I am starting to run again, and exercise, and laugh, and feel awesome, I want my long hair back. I am actually loving that its growing. But at the sametime, hating how short it is. And it is SUPER, SUPER curly. Its those chemo curls!
I'll leave you all with an exploding love for life, and go out there and do something fantastic just for you, today!
Showing posts with label cancer support groups. Show all posts
Showing posts with label cancer support groups. Show all posts
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Thinking of Me
When I got diagnosed suddenly I found myself interupting people in their mid-sentences and talking about my cancer, my disbelief, my emotions. I just was in such a state of shock, that grace and social to-do's went flying out the window. I didn't care what the hell people were talking about because all I could think about was cancer, my cancer, my breasts, my life that had just been shattered and was laying at my feet. I realized I was doing it, and I knew from the shock on peoples faces that they knew I was doing it, and everything became Cancer for me. There was and still is nothing else. If you are not a survivor you may not understand this. And I hope you never do.
In this place resides part of how I survived. I made Heather a priority. I made what I was feeling a priority. I made what I was thinking a priority. I made everything about me. I suddenly had to understand my new world, as if I had signed up with an experimental NASA trip to Venus and was living there for five years alone. With no help from anyone, unless I asked questions and read and asked more questions, and maybe I might find a few souls that had been to Venus and had survived the worst trip of their lives.
For D this has been very hard. And I don't want to talk about his process here. All I can say is that he never reached out to anyone, not even his parents on a regular basis, to get the support he needed to be supportive of me on an emotional level. There are/were so many options for him with support groups, counseling (even my Onc suggested a few for him because he was having such a hard time months back) and I have not had the energy to "take" on the usual responisbiliites I forced myself into in supporting him to do healthy things for him. All I had the energy to do was, call a few of his friends and say, "can you call him. can you hang out with him." Or call his mom and ask her to call. I feel sad and have felt very sad for him.
But the survivor in me that had to A Rise to survive has less sympathy. He is almost 40, he is 36, he is a man. And this survivor in me says, he can take care of himself, AND Me. So, I was able to relax into the state of asking him to fetch a million things for me when I couldn't walk ten steps without feeling like I was going to die.
This chemo hell ride I was on almost killed me. I just pray that in a few years time, my body doesn't start showing any negative effects of the chemo. But back to D, and you other supporters of survivors.
In the place of making everything about me, there is time for you, for D. And I just was too weak, and I also believe a changed person, in that I do not feel it is my responsiblity to take care of him. I was there, trust me. I tried talking to him about his feelings. And we had a few discussions on this topic, when he would allow himself to open up to me. But that's all I can/could do. I had to focus on me. And cancer and my treatment actually forced this to happen. I was so sick, so sick that I couldn't feel anything except my pain. So again, if there are any of you spouses out there reading this that have to go through this hell ride with your beloved. Take care of yourself, get the support you need. Otherwise your well will be dried up and it will be hard to get to the finish line. D, is going to Hawaii he let me know the other day. Alone. I am not allowed to come. He needs a break. He loves me but feels disgusted by me and can't stand to be around me anymore. What can you say about that? There is a breaking point. In all of us. And we are too young to go through this, and sure possibly, possibly as an older man he might be more gracious with his process. But the fact is, is there is no excuses in life. He is a man, and he has a choice in his life on how he wants to walk this earth. I have no control over that.
So back to me. In being diagnosed with cancer, to get through there is a place of Needing to be selfish. This was very hard to wrap my mind around in the beginning. Because my whole life I have taken care of others and put their needs first. For instance. When I was five my mom was in an accident. I took care of my then six month old brother, all the time. My massage practice, I booked appointments whenever so be it 7 am or 10 pm for clients so that I was flexible for them. My my husband and old boy friends, I did whatever I could to make their lives easier. Always, always thinking of others. Thinking that they would give back to me, or thinking the universe would give back to me.
This old disgusting habit was broken, clearly broken with me getting diagnosed with cancer. I will never do that again, unless I am a mother. And I think that this is a must if you're a mom.
So, in being a Survivor, there resides a place of needing to be selfish and its a good thing. Its a hard thing for me because I through old habits want to do for everyone. But I need to remember this lesson, and stick with it. When one is doing all the time, there isn't room to receive. And to open up to this beautiful gift. I really like the new Heather. Not that I didn't see my value before, because I did. But I see the value in my life, and my wants, and my needs, and my desire, and me not stopping what I am wanting to do or doing, to make anyones life easier for them. At least this is how it is right now.
In this place resides part of how I survived. I made Heather a priority. I made what I was feeling a priority. I made what I was thinking a priority. I made everything about me. I suddenly had to understand my new world, as if I had signed up with an experimental NASA trip to Venus and was living there for five years alone. With no help from anyone, unless I asked questions and read and asked more questions, and maybe I might find a few souls that had been to Venus and had survived the worst trip of their lives.
For D this has been very hard. And I don't want to talk about his process here. All I can say is that he never reached out to anyone, not even his parents on a regular basis, to get the support he needed to be supportive of me on an emotional level. There are/were so many options for him with support groups, counseling (even my Onc suggested a few for him because he was having such a hard time months back) and I have not had the energy to "take" on the usual responisbiliites I forced myself into in supporting him to do healthy things for him. All I had the energy to do was, call a few of his friends and say, "can you call him. can you hang out with him." Or call his mom and ask her to call. I feel sad and have felt very sad for him.
But the survivor in me that had to A Rise to survive has less sympathy. He is almost 40, he is 36, he is a man. And this survivor in me says, he can take care of himself, AND Me. So, I was able to relax into the state of asking him to fetch a million things for me when I couldn't walk ten steps without feeling like I was going to die.
This chemo hell ride I was on almost killed me. I just pray that in a few years time, my body doesn't start showing any negative effects of the chemo. But back to D, and you other supporters of survivors.
In the place of making everything about me, there is time for you, for D. And I just was too weak, and I also believe a changed person, in that I do not feel it is my responsiblity to take care of him. I was there, trust me. I tried talking to him about his feelings. And we had a few discussions on this topic, when he would allow himself to open up to me. But that's all I can/could do. I had to focus on me. And cancer and my treatment actually forced this to happen. I was so sick, so sick that I couldn't feel anything except my pain. So again, if there are any of you spouses out there reading this that have to go through this hell ride with your beloved. Take care of yourself, get the support you need. Otherwise your well will be dried up and it will be hard to get to the finish line. D, is going to Hawaii he let me know the other day. Alone. I am not allowed to come. He needs a break. He loves me but feels disgusted by me and can't stand to be around me anymore. What can you say about that? There is a breaking point. In all of us. And we are too young to go through this, and sure possibly, possibly as an older man he might be more gracious with his process. But the fact is, is there is no excuses in life. He is a man, and he has a choice in his life on how he wants to walk this earth. I have no control over that.
So back to me. In being diagnosed with cancer, to get through there is a place of Needing to be selfish. This was very hard to wrap my mind around in the beginning. Because my whole life I have taken care of others and put their needs first. For instance. When I was five my mom was in an accident. I took care of my then six month old brother, all the time. My massage practice, I booked appointments whenever so be it 7 am or 10 pm for clients so that I was flexible for them. My my husband and old boy friends, I did whatever I could to make their lives easier. Always, always thinking of others. Thinking that they would give back to me, or thinking the universe would give back to me.
This old disgusting habit was broken, clearly broken with me getting diagnosed with cancer. I will never do that again, unless I am a mother. And I think that this is a must if you're a mom.
So, in being a Survivor, there resides a place of needing to be selfish and its a good thing. Its a hard thing for me because I through old habits want to do for everyone. But I need to remember this lesson, and stick with it. When one is doing all the time, there isn't room to receive. And to open up to this beautiful gift. I really like the new Heather. Not that I didn't see my value before, because I did. But I see the value in my life, and my wants, and my needs, and my desire, and me not stopping what I am wanting to do or doing, to make anyones life easier for them. At least this is how it is right now.
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