Wrap my brain around what?

My web of life is spinning in a new direction today, at least my mind would like me to believe this.  Today, I caution myself to again stay in the present moment as now, I am wondering about the future again.  This future that I wonder/worry about is one that belittles the very fact that I had breast cancer removed from my breast.  Since its not in my nodes, I find myself lessening the fact that I have/had breast cancer.  I feel like I am in an in between state.  Do I have breast cancer in my body anywhere else?  Isn't that why I need to do chemo and radiation?  If I don't and my Doc's knew that for sure, then I wouldn't need to do any other treatments.  Which brings me back to the present moment of forcing myself to wait until I see my Oncologist on the 8th.  I will then sit down and listen to his treatment plan.  

I guess the part of me that wants to make me not having breast cancer a big deal is the part of me that is still in shock.  Shock that I had it in my breast first of all, and secondly, that it isn't in my nodes.  Why was that one so huge, I wonder?  I just have to not minimize it at this point.  I have to keep saying out loud to myself, so that I can believe that its true.  I find myself still saying to D, to my sis, to my friend Gen, to anyone, "Can you believe I have breast cancer?"  The question no one will ever know, is if "It" was "All" cutout the other day, or if I in fact do have breast cancer cells elsewhere, and yes, it will be good that I do the treatment to kill those little avengers.