A Spa on The Chemo Floor

AS we drove to The Swedish Cancer Institue, I sue was emotional. I would cry and then be fine, but mainly I was anxious. I had read so much, to prepare me for my sessions. I am glad did because then I know the big the bad and the ugly. And yesterday it was all about the biggness of the expereience instead of anything ugly. In fact it was terrific! We went in to visit my my Onc just to talk to him about all my fears, reality, pressures, and how D has been feeling, kindof getting us insnyc again, with the Narcissisum Breast Cacner is, it is all about me and my care. This and that is what she will need if everything goes well, well as excpected. But if not, this is what you can expect to help her with. A very needed conversation.
After that we went to the pharmacy within in the building to get my chemo anti-nauseau med's. These drugs are not cheap! The are almost 500$ a month. Insurance only covers the ones that are generic, so I have prada sytled drugs in my body. I love it.

We then were ushered into the chemo area, and told that all the rooms were taken. The place they brought us to was perfect, it felt like a room too. Very private, we couldn't hear other people around us. I had 2 great nurses, and at one point 4 in my room. I was good to go with my port being accessed. In a bizarre way it felt good. I have been so gentile with it over this time and D gets queezie thinking of touching it. So, to have someone that knows how to firmly touch it, the port was in heaven. So, the port was accesssed and they starting pumping all the anit-nausea med's in me for a few hours. Then came the big guns. The Adrimayicin came in two giganict seryinges. It was read, and made my urine reddish orange right away, and still this moring. As my nurse was putting the AC in me, in an untouchable place (within the port site) it was burning me. I am very sensitive, and I am VERY intune with my body (except knowing if I had cancer) but I was being, if you can use the gentle word, gently burned. She called in a few other nurses and thye ended up just agreeing with me that I am sensitve. They have not known anyone that has been able to feel the AC before. I told them, look see if its in my head, I will close my eyes and look the other way and do it off and on. But still, it was the case. I felt it.

The room was fantastic. D, sat and talked with me whenever I felt like i needed to, otherwise he watched a movie on his laptop. I had an old friends healing music playing in my ears as I leafed through my book of healing collages. I was there with the support I needed from D, but then in my ears my music helped me drift into a deep healing place for me and process and cry and know that I am finally killing those cancer cells in my body.

Last night I felt really wobbly coming home, but good enough to take a walk with one of my best friend's Gen. D stayed home, and we slowly wound our way down to the beach. We got down there just when the sun was setting, sat at a bench and we reminicesnt of old days and our freewheelin' girl days. We had a lot of fun together. By the time we walked up the hills to home, every cell in my body felt as if I had run a marathon. I barely got myself up the stairs to get inside, but I did. I can't remember the rest of the evening. I think Gen made us some really yummy food, and then I took more anti-nausea med's and went to bed. Gen came in there and told me stories of us until I feel asleep.

I woke up around 2 or 3 feeling sick, so D got me my zolofron, and I drank it down. Went back to sleep. This morning, I took all my med's again, as I am not feeling good. I cannot lift a water bottle, there are probably lots of typing errors and it is just because its hard to type when your laying flat My head is pounding, but this isn't that bad. I feel pretty crappy, but not super crappy. So, I am happy about that. Mostly happy that D isn't getting overwhelmed, with needing to lay in bed with me. Gen is here, and D can go about business on the house and go grab straws from store, ect. He has me all organized that that is helpful. Gen is here, she said that I can just order her around to get me water, ect. I feel extremely blessed that I have this support today.

This whole thing is and has to be about me. Me getting better, everything. A very very very strange concept for me. As my entire life, I have always put everyone else first. Gotta go feeling like puking.

Thinking all day about this

I want this blog to touch peoples hearts, to bring awareness, and to keep my loved ones in touch with my journey.  That being said, my earlier post today was one that I did not write but I found on another survivor's blog.  It is negative.  It is intense, and it may very well make many of you that do not belong to this club think that I am heading in a wrong direction with my healing.  I chose to post this, first and foremost because it is how I feel.  I have had many things said to me on this short time on my journey that hurt because people care and want to ask things.  But the questions are so insensitive.  So I posted this to help protect me from questions that are NOT needed nor helpful.  To be helpful to you all that are in my daily life wether it be in person or in email. 

Everything is uncomfortable.  My life is on hold, and I get to watch from a distant room everyone living their lives, fretting over all of their goals being met or not.  I can feel peoples fears now more than ever.  And it causes these uncomfortable questions from pouring out of their mouths.

I know I will be okay, wether I make it through this or I find myself coming into this world as a new little being with new parents, I will be OKAY.  Life is beautiful.  I am blessed to have such a wonder filled adventurous life so far.  I have LIVED and LOVED deeply.  I am not scared about my journey or how hard it will be because I have so much love and support around me. Although this changes from second to second.  Yes, to answer many of these questions, I am scared, so badly that I have to force myself probably 40 times a day to not think about it, otherwise it becomes debilitating. 

I felt like it was important to add this post because as of about two weeks ago I got SICK of hearing everyone TELL me I am going to be okay (just as sure of themselves as if before I got cancer, if I had asked if they thought I had cancer, they'd all say NO; well guess what, that was wrong), especially if I kept a good attitude.  Attitude has nothing to do with this.  And it has everything to do with this.  I guess I posted this to help protect me when and IF I get really ill from Chemo and people ask me questions that hurt and I don't have the energy to nicely respond.  This sounds so melodramatic, and I've resisted saying this but, I am going to be fighting for my life.  And it is insulting to me to have everyone tells me I am going to be okay.  Like I shouldn't go through this horrific experience of treatment and just trust blindly that I will be Okay.  

No one knows if I am going to be okay.  That is why I have to do Chemo and Radiation, for a long time.  No one knows 100%.  But what feels good is when people ask me, "what can I do?"  or any uplifting, " Your a fighter, you have strength."  Oh!  I just thought of a good one.  It's kind of like if your little son/daughter was about to play a game of baseball.  You wouldn't say, "You are going to do Okay."  You'd say ( or at least I would say), " Go get 'em tiger!  You have a slammin' swing."  Or, "You can catch every fly ball." 

Just being real with me.  Imagine you puking in a toilet bowl and what would you want someone to say to you?  I would like someone to say, "Here is a warm cloth to wipe your face with."  So, that is why I posted someone else's thoughts as they are how I feel at times.  I just want to help you all be kind and thoughtful with your comments or questions or concerns as I KNOW you WANT TO BE.  I mean really, if you haven't had someone with cancer in your life, how do you know what to say?  I sure didn't when my friend Jody was going through this with her mom.  I sure wish and regret I was there more for her.  I love you Jodster!!