The week of friends

This week friends have brought by a lot of food, and thank you all for that. I honestly haven't been cooking the healthiest possible in the past month, and with the food made with love from you guys, I can just pull it out and it makes life so much easier. I am back to Heather. In fact, D and I are going for a bike ride in a few moments. We are going to try shaving my head today. I have about ten little hairs that are still growing, and so they stand straight up in the air and they are driving me nuts.

I don't have any new major thought provoking ideas to share with you all. It doesn't change. I just have to get through this. Each day, many times through the day, I have to give myself a pep talk and know that I can and will make it through this. I have to give myself these pep talks because its so rough to do what I am doing. Its so disgusting. I say that I would never do it again, but then I think life is worth it. And maybe I would. I just have to say right now that I never would do it again because I can't imagine doing it more than I already need to. In fact, remember when I asked my doctor for the four more treatments of Taxol, because of the 27% increase in survivial rate? Well, right now, and in fact this very second I am listening to myself and my mind, heart, body, and soul now doesn't want to do the extra month. I can't imagine doing it to myself. I could be done with chemo in two months instead of three more. Its going to be each week now (after my last AC, next wed). What if I don't get days of feeling good in between. I know these weeks of feeling good and feeling the joy in my spirit rise again is the ONLY thing that gets me through this. This bike ride I get to go on. The one that I will need to wear a little hat because the wind rustling through the almost bare scalp will be cold. So, can I handle weekly Taxol for three months. No, I know I can't. But then, I know I will. The athlete in me knows I will. I just have to get on my game face, and I am scared. I am so scared, and so sad, and so devestated, and so tired of not feeling good. I am tired of crying and waiting to live life again. I am so pissed.