Steroids, the Cure All

I have been on steroids, the Predisone since the hospital. 20 MG in morning, and 20 MG at night. A few days ago, we went to 20/15, and I had to keep taking the sleeping pill. The night before I tried a half pill, and that worked pretty good. Last night I went down to 20/10 and didn't take a pill and now I am up. I am going to wait an hour, and see if I still can't sleep. I am not sure if its the predisone or what but since the hospital my hot flashes have been rolling over me all time of day again. They calmed down a lot the past few months, and now they feel like they are back with a venegance. I just woke up in a sweat, sheets wet and my husbands phone getting a text. I decided to get up and write.
Yesterday was my first day back being Heather. I worked a full day doing real estate, I put out a new listing, and then I gave two massages back to back. I started my day around 11 and got home at 8, just in time for the Bachelor (heehee). I didn't feel sick at all, which is great because the past two days I got really weak and sick to my stomach in the afternoons. I realized the day before yesterday that I had just started taking my vitamins again in the late morning and that maybe it was the vitamins that were making me sick. Since I didn't take them yesterday and I felt great, I think this is the case. My body is so fragile right now I think trying to digest flax seed oil, anti-inflammatory herbs, and a one-a-day vitamin is just too much. I need to remember to make an appointment with my ND.
So yesterday was awesome. My brain is definetly not working well, it went to the wayside in conjunction with my hot flashes returning. Maybe its hormonal.
Saturday was a fun night. As you see to the right of the screen the new photo. Tamara, who remarks here a lot, she and I went out to dinner at a new restaurant on Capitol Hill called Oddfellows. It was delicious. My friend Jack told me about it. We then went out to Dillitante and had dessert. I was struck to near tears, when the very sweet waitress brought me an extra celebratory lemon bar and truffles, as I had explained to her the reason for my celebration. End of chemo, and having fun, and Heather time.
I wanted to write about a few things that I keep forgetting to do.

I have learned so much since this all started. Yesterday was my eighth month anniversary of being diagnosed. 8 months. Its a long time. I have learned so much, and have come to a very thankful place of being in accepting and being thankful for "getting" cancer.
One thing I have noticed and opened my heart up to is people and love. Everyone loves drama. Good or Bad, and because of this overly dramatic event/journey/hell ride I have had many many people rise to support me. There have been the very few bad apples that have come to my side that I have had to not respond to (usually survivors that have found my blog that have chosen to become victims to their experience) or the the wonderful flip side, I have had so many beautiful experiences.

Yesterday was an incredible description of this. I showed up a bit early to my massage appointment. My client just broke her knee, and was waiting for me at her condo entry on cruches, she was speaking to a woman that wanted my number as she wanted a massage, and then there was me. We all spoke in the lobby, and the woman's sister had had BC, She lives in Brazil and just lived through the worst national disaster in 100 years she said. There was a gigantic mudslide and she was in her home and luckily she lived. THey had to pluck her out of her house, and she lost everything. Then there was my massage client her broke her knee, hasn't worked in 10 weeks, and then there was me and you guys know my story. Picture it (like the Golden Girls..Sicily 19..just kidding) but picture it, the three of us standing in the lobby, speaking on how in moments life changes and you move through it. All three of us said the same thing, that we were thankful for our experience that people around us helped make these lessons even deeper.

And this is what I am saying. I have had to ripe open the grips on my heart to allow people to make me food, to call me concerned, to love me and that is incredible. I have had so many touching people come into my life and I am just blown away with the goodness of people when things get rough, you see the beauty in folks. Just like at Dillatante. She didn't need to bring me extra goodies, but she did. All these acts of kindness just kill me, and regularly reduce me to tears. I am tired and am not sure if I am giving words to what I want to explain but this is one of the biggest "lessons" I've learned. Tonight as I lay in bed wide awake, I thought of something. Not only should I and will I write a book for my healing when I am done with all this. I should write a smaller book on the lessons I've learned. Or maybe they will be a chapter in my book.

The other thing I wanted to explain was Healthcare in America. I have said that my cancer treatment is well over a million dollars to date. This is the case, if I was uninsured. Luckily since I was 22 I have had really good health insurance, that I privately paid (since I am self-employed). How insurance works is that I go to doc's they bill a certain amount and then the insurance company allows the docs to only bill a certain amount. If you don't have the insurance company to regulate the amount, there is a huge difference. So the over million bill is really only around a hundred grand. So what I don't understand is what happens to the uninsured in this country. I understand that the hospital cannot deny anyone treatment, and I am sure the government/tax payers end up paying this?? This is of coarse after these poor folks lose everything.
I worry what might happen if my cancer came back, D is at his whitts end with all this, he cannot handle "helping" me at all anymore, and if it came back he is so near divorce right now that he would probably go through with it and what if I was sick like I was again and I couldn't get out of bed to work, and what if I couldn't pay my mortgage or my rent, or my health insurance? What then? This is a very scary thing. Having cancer and going through cancer treatment leaves so many "things" to deal with.

So, I am up its almost an hour later and I need to take a sleeping pill. I just hate to do it, but I have another exciting day ahead of me. I am going out with some buyers in the morning and then a few massages in the afternoon. I am really really excited. It feels so good to be out and about. I walked into my realty office today and made a huge announcement to anyone that would lend me an ear, "I am feeling good. GOOOOODDDDDD." Its incredible!!