I've been processing

I have just had the best three days since this all started back in June. June 2 to be concise. (It just took me three attempts, 3, to remember how to spell concise, how frustrating). I'm going to go back to Thursday. My friend Chris and Dean, bought me a pedicure. Now, for all you mom's out there that wrote to me and said, "NO PEDICURES. Wait for your body to heal." I want to let you know, that here in Seattle there are some very good pedicure places. I didn't go to a place that would give me a nasty case of toe nail fungus. So don't you guys worry!
Chris emailed me and asked where I would like to go, and I said, "Frenchy's on Madison." Now, I am no fool...I was there in an hour and a half!! Frenchy's uses disposable liners in their bath basins, AND they got all NEW scrubbies and tools off the shelves, and even opened them all in front of me. I made sure of this, as I walked in and told them this was my first since I got diagnosed, they had their work cut out for them, and I need them to not do any cutting (I also cut my own nails before I went).
Okay, back to heaven. So, I walked in to a sea of women chatting, gossiping, and telling their latest travel stories (complete with camera pics that I got to view). I didn't bawl, but I sure did cry. For those of you that haven't been here, it is like walking in to a very girly girls dressing and bathroom. I love it.
I sat down and sank deep into the plushy chair with plushy pillows. I wasn't scared to let my head rest on them, for fear that I might get sick, because my WBC's are strong again. I didn't have to worry about anything. I just sank deeper and deeper, into the warm water my feet were placed in. Kim gave me a very thorough scrub, what normally takes an hour, took almost double that. They didn't charge me any extra.
What passed through my mind as I sat there was that I was being a girl again. I was being Heather again. I was adoring my body, adorning it, and suddenly I couldn't just do a french pedicure!! I needed colour! Big colour! I picked a deep red to celebrate. As I sat there I noticed all the women walking around shopping with their nails extended as they were still drying. And I just thought we all, each of us in this room are not immune to breast cancer. They all could or have or would get it. I cried. I cried for letting go of all the dead skin, all the skin that had chemo in it, all the skin that had all the grief and all the horrible experiences and feelings and depths of ickiness and saddness. Kim scrubbed, and I cried. Kim scrubbed, and I let go. Kim washed, and then scrubbed some more, and I let go further.
I left Frenchy's with my toes and feet sparkling. I headed to the car wash.
To get through this whole thing I have used a lot of symbolism. The first one that I did when I got diagnosed is that I stopped buying car and driver tickets to Vashon. There is an expiration date on there. And I think its only good for 3 maybe 4 months at the most. Well, in the beginning I knew I had a long road ahead of me, and I knew that that date would haunt me because I wouldn't be done. So, I stopped buying them. This week, when I start doing massage again, I am going to buy one because in 3 or 4 months, I will be done with all this. And I can't wait to have that card expire, be used up, and starting my new life.
The past few months I stopped getting my car washed. I wasn't working doing real estate so I had no one to impress with a clean car. I wasn't really driving anywhere because I was just so sick. In bed all the time really. With all the snow and gravel on the roads in December my car was very dirty. Caked on dirty.
As I went through the car wash I just sat there and visualized all my pain, all my saddness, all the icky stuff again, just getting washed away. My favorite part of a car wash are the side sprayers that are so forceful that it always makes me wonder for a sheer moment if its going to dent my car. I just welcomed those sprayers and thanked them for also washing me clean. I came out of the car wash sparkly and shinny and so did my feet and my car!
I came home feeling so pretty. My feet weren't swollen and I just looked and looked at my toes. My feet never do this, but that night as I had my feet up on a pillow, I could feel them still humming. Thanks you guys! Thanks for making this special experience for me.
I have continued losing weight. I woke up yesterday, on Friday and my FAT pants were just hanging on me. I still can't fit in my old jeans, and D's parents from BC were coming down for dinner. So, I went and bought a new pair because I am ready to feel good. I don't want to wear baggy old anything. Last night was incredible for me. I put on make-up for the first time, put a scarff around my neck, and got dressed up. We went to dinner and had a wonderful time. It felt so good to have a meal with others and talk and not feel like I wished I was at home in bed. I had lots of energy, ate two raw oysters, and had a crab louise. I even had dessert, and could taste it (key lime pie). I tasted the crab, not like usual, but there were at least hints of it that I loved.
Yesterday during the day, I worked for the first time all day. I pushed myself a little too much, I got really shaky and actually sick to my stomach. But I got everything done that I wanted to. That class I took the day before I went into the hospital, for first time home buyers, I am teaching at the end of February. I am excited for this and I needed to get the marketing together yesterday. Today is a relaxing day, I have an open house during the afternoon. So, I will just chill and chat with folks. Heather is beginning to come back. I can't wait to meet her.