The ubiquitous saying

I'm trying to teach myself how to sleep again, without those wonderful sleeping pills. Tonight is my first night without them, I've woken up four times so far. I looked at the ceiling a bit, let my feet dance for a bit, and then talked myself into relaxing a bit. There are many things that I want to talk about here, and I forget to do so. But this one just popped up into my mind, and its a biggie so here it goes....
I am so sick of hearing people tell me, after I have been brave enough to share with them this classic conversation, Me, " I am going to move to Maui, if my cancer comes back. I am going to live in a little yurt, have a little garden, swim in the ocean everyday, and just live a happy life." Whoever says, " Its not going to come back. You are going to be fine."
As I am coming along with being a Survivor, I have come to a real grateful place of "getting" cancer. I am not just saying that to be shocking, or to just say something shocking. I mean it, 100%. I am not saying that I want to go through with what I have gone through again, because like the above paragraph, I am not sure that I will put myself through this hell. But, I really, really mean it. I have learned so much.
There has been one person that thinks she "knew" me, with her few odd days spent with me, and she thought she'd tallied me up pretty well with this time spent before cancer. She couldn't be more wrong. She hasn't even spent enough time with me during this process to "know" me even better, or to say what she said, "I like the new Heather better." All she has done is read my blog. And frankly, what a hurtful thing to say to someone.
My soul is still the same, my heart is still the same, but what I'll put up with is different, and sure my heart is different, in that the biggest things I am grateful for is my spiritual evolvement. Evolving because I have had to learn to let go of everything since I heard the sentence, "Heather, you have cancer," I've had to learn to let go and in this, control flies out the window.
Which brings me back to the saying, "I will be fine. It won't come back." The idea that there is some sort of control that some force has over what could possibly be a gene that scientists haven't discovered, or just that its how a body is made up. Seems ridiculous. No body's knows if I will be fine. Nobody knows this. So, I wish people would stop pretending that they know this.
I believe this is people just not wanting to face, or it is unbeknownst to them, facing their unknown fears of death. We all, even those atheists out there, are spiritual beings on this planet. This sentence simply puts trust in that spirituality that really boils down no matter what belief system into one and the same. That some force out there is going to keep me safe. That some force is going to keep my cancer away. Yeah, right. If we could bottle this sentence, and this belief, the Oncologists of the world would be thrilled. No they wouldn't, because they know how ridiculous it is.
Then there is another sentence I hear about 70/30 of the time that usually follows the above: "you know I believe that you attract what you think" in its various forms. My rebuttle is, " Yeah. I used to think that too. But I never thought I'd actually get cancer, and I did." Sure we all think about the various crazy things that can/could/might happen to us at times. But really guys, come on!
So, I am sick of people wanting me to be a sheep and just go along with the idea that I am going to be fine, and that there is nothing to worry about, keep my chin up little soldier.
That is why, when today, I met a young woman that is 38, and she said to me the GOLDEN sentence, that she was FIVE years out herself of being a breast cancer survivor. That means she was 33 as well when she got diagnosed. That, is the only sentence that calms my spirit down, because it brings and gives me hope. I can only hope that my cancer doesn't come back, I can only do the things that will make me healthier, and I can only try to create as much harmony in my life so that I am happy and living the life I deserve so that all my fighter T-cells keep strong and fight off the cancer that all of our bodies are fighting off each and everyday.
A real funny example of this was a few months after I got diagnosed. D was playing a show at a bar in Seattle, and I saw a Vashonite there. A super hippy Vashonite. I told her what was going on with me, and gave her my blog card. She put both hands on my shoulders looked me in the eye and said, "You are going to live till your 76." Seriously? Only 76? I always thought I'd live till my early 90's.

Okay, rant done. I am still wide awake. Maybe even more now. Yawn. I am going to make myself go lay down again. Hopefully the sand man comes.