So I am not crazy...

I feel so good that I just read that two of you understand fully what I have been feeling. I thought that last night, maybe I came closer to understanding it. But honestly, I am starting to think that my therapist is right and I am suffering from PTSD, post traumatic stress
But maybe its just that I was a healthy 33 yr old, living life and had a pretty darn carefree, easy breezy life. And then the next moment, the phone call, the shattering, the world crumbling, making decisions, facing decisions i never thought i'd have to face, being sick, losing everything in my life, e*v*e*r*y*t*h*i*n*g, being sick some more, just trying to get through, not being understood, not being loved through my deepest darkest sickness, you get the idea.
So, maybe I am just seriously shell shocked, and scared to feel and scared to love and scared to feel some more, and scared to feel myself, and scared to trust myself, scared to trust my body, scared to trust my immune system, scared to put faith and trust in my future, scared to get close to anything or anybody again, as it may all be ripped from me again. She says, and types with tears streaming down my face.
And I am really, really tired right now, I just ran a year of IronMan's and am exhausted. And I don't have the energy to do this opening right now. So, I walk through life like a zombie. Or maybe its not this at all.
I feel happiness, and joy, and victory, and vanity, and love, and fear, and I FEEL, its just not sinking in. Like I am not getting invested in life.
WEll, thanks for saying Krisa and Tink that you get it, or are experiencing this.

Too bad there isn't a place that us young woman, after this hell we go through, can't go to and sit in a teepee together, or sit and massage and braid each others tears and look at each other and say, WE MADE IT! WE ARE DONE. Now, how do we go on. How to we rebuild from here? Where is this place? I wonder how many of us, loose our mates through this, and are left to rebuild a life from the beginning?

Well, Heather, You made it. Krisa, You made it. Tink, You made it. How is it that you are moving through this?

**

The other thing I find myself grappling with is for the past year, to get through this I had to live in the present moment, constantly. That is how I made it through. But now that I am done, in the beginning is was hard to think 2 days out, then 7 days out, now I am trying to imagine a few weeks out. Its hard to plan stuff, although my planner in me would like to think that she is ready to go gangbusters. But in reality, I like that I learned how to live in the present moment and would like to continue living my life. But how do I do that when there are goals and things that I want to do? Like having kids?