Twilight Zone

I am really tired today. I had an open house for a listing, so I just went and sat and talked to the few people that came by. I am home now and am laying on the coach watching TV and researching things on the net. Lets see...so many things that I haven't written about in a while that I will now.
First of all body stuff. Nails. I have on every finger about half the nail. They are doing much better, kind of drying up. They don't stink as bad, and (those of you that are queazy pass over this sentence) the pus is almost gone in most of the fingers. My body is still pretty swollen. I don't have a scale here at the house, but I can tell I've lost a lot of the water weight. My chin you can now see. Before it was just a round rolly polly face. Its still round, but I can see my cheeckbones ever so slightly again. My legs are still swollen and get more if I do anything. There seems to be a lot of similarities with getting chemo and being pregnant.
I had a really weird experience today. Keiko was leaving this morning so I drove her, like I have 100 times to the airport. Living in West Seattle, its easier just to take Roxbury to the 509. But..my mind is not working the way it used to. Granted, I haven't gone to the airport in a while, but still. What would normally take 17 minutes or so, took almost an hour. I kept taking wrong exits and got lost and my freakin' navigation system that kicks ass, suddenly went bazerck. It kept having us head north instead of south. And...she missed her flight. Very bizarre.
I did have really bad chemo brain in the beginning, and I have noticed that I am not dealing with stress in the way I would normally do, and there are things that I am just slower on. And I have wondered if my brain had been effected, and after todays twilight zone airport adventure, makes me worry a little. Maybe I am just overwhelmed right now and thinking is hard. I don't know. All I know is that I KNOW how to get to the airport and I simply couldn't remember. Weird.
I am still in awe of all that Keiko did for me while she was here. I am too weak right now to feel sad or to miss too terribly my old energetic self. But to watch her run around my house, and run back and forth to the hardware store getting me stuff to fix up my house was very inspiring. I have that to look forward to. To the day when I can multi-task and get a bazillion things done. Keiko if you're reading this thank you. I feel so warm and cuddly in my house. We left the bed and furniture where you moved it, and I love everything!!!

Free at last

Free and better. I get to get discharged later this morning. I am thrilled. I am better. AFter yesterdays procedure, with them really sucking that lung dry it hurt. I was in a fair bit of pain. There is still a little water in my right lung, and a strange thing happened last night around 6. My heart started hurting like it had been when I take in a deep breath only. Not walking around.
I asked my Onc this morning if all the water could come back, and he said he doesn't know. Its a wait and see thing. The tests also came back inconclusive as to wether it was viral or caused by the taxotere. But all along, both the cardiologists and the two different Onc's said that this would probably be the case.

BUT THE GOOD NEWS!!! I'VE LOST 18 POUNDS!!! I now only weigh 155, and am so thrilled. I started out at 138, and can't wait to get there again. I have a feeling it will be in no time, since I haven't even started working out yet.

Panicked breathing

I just wrote a post, and it disappeared. What I don't understand is why one day I am fine, and the next I am swollen and unable to get enough oxygen. My legs have been swollen since the eve of my birthday. And last night they swelled up so much and today, that it is hard to walk. Last night I was in a near panick as I tried to sleep because it felt like I wasn't getting enough oxygen/air. Its been two weeks since my last chemo, and I feel like crap. Weak. Unable to sweep my kitchen floor without taking breaks, ect. I am on my way for another eccho and to see my cardiologist in a bit. I hope he can get rid of the swelling!!

The clown do

Since I've been home from the hospital I haven't had internet access. We still haven't had those guys come by and hook it up for us. Life with one channel, is such a bore!! For a short re-cap of the past few days. Monday was hellashish. I had a really really bad reaction to the Indocin, the heart anti-inflammatory. I woke up with a really upset stomach, a headache that almost popped my head off, and I almost threw up all day. In the afternoon I called my Onc, and he switched me to Cylebrax(sp). I took that Monday night, and then all night long, an even worse headache that woke me up several times. To the point that I started to panic I was going to have a stroke like my mom did.
I got a call from my cardiologist, Dr. Lewis at 8 am! Can I tell you these specialized doctors are so passionate about what they do! Anyways, he took me off of that and just put me on Advil. With the directions to take advil for a day, and then try the cylebrax again. But I haven't done that. Tuesday was my birthday, and I didn't want to get sick. And today, I have a broker's open for my condo listing and a bunch of other realty stuff, so I'll take it tonight. I mean, think about it. Would you want to "try" one more time a pill that made you really sick. NO! Its a no-brainer. In fact, I am not going to. I have an appointment with my cardiologist tomorrow afternoon, and I'll tell him, but I don't think he's going to slap me on the wrist.
The reason being, is that I think this whole liquid around my heart is a waiting game. They are still trying to see if I am getting worse or better. TOmorrow they'll give me another eccho and hopefully they'll be able to see if I have more water or not.
Honestly, its very hard to tell. I feel good, thanks to just being on Advil. But to walk any short distance is hard. Impossible to walk, even with a garbage bag outside to drop in the garbage can. Carrying anything, and walking makes me pant and my heart leap out of my chest. My legs are still very swollen. So, I don't feel like I am getting any better.
Yesterday, I had a great day. I went out to Vashon, had lunch, and visited with my friend Peggy. She is 6 months pregnant, has the same b-day as me, and we've known each other since I was 17. Its amazing to know someone that long. Then I went and got a massage from my ex- boyfriend of 6 yrs mom, Lyn. It was so nice to have someone touch me. Softly. It was wonderful. Then I went home. Starting feeling sick, took an anti-nausea med and waited a bit to feel good. Then D and I went to have sushi. My Onc. said no sushi for me. So I stuck to cooked classics of Soft Shell crab and a veggie roll. My stomach couldn't handle the deep fried crab or the wasabi, so dinner wasn't that great. I feel like a drug addict chasing my last "good" high with my food the past few months. Not being able to taste, and the texture being all messed up because of my mouth being numb and full of cotton sucks. I think of food I want, I try it and it tastes nothing like what it should. I am always askind D, how does that taste?
Well, now I am 34. Its 2009. And I can't wait to be done with all this crap. I can't wait to have a week when I feel so good, that I can run a zillion miles a minute and think clearly and feel good. No lingering sickness in my stomach!
My nails are all gross and I have them bandaged up because they look so gross. They are cut way back because they're dead.
Oh, the title of this post. Here's a funny. You know how clowns hair is. Thick all the way around the sides and the back? Well, that is how my hair is. My head looks like I have some serious widows peaks going on!! I have clowns head!! I hope my hair grows back and I don't have bald spots for the rest of my life!!